The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 14 - Special Project - full transcript

Ho-ho
Look who's back reporting for duty Hey, guys
Hey Hi
Pam! Ha
Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant
Bam! Bam! Bam! Pam
Are you glad to be back?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I could have used another week, or three
You still had eight weeks more than we did.
Well, it's not exactly a vacation
Hello, everyone! Remember? Little old me. Hi
What are you doing here? You just had our baby.
Our collective Dunder Mifflin family baby four days ago.
I wanted to come back to work.
Not everybody needs some long, luxurious, Parisian maternity leave
Damn, girl! Your body! What?
Angela, you look amazing
Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros
Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for covering for me, so I made some treats
I've got brownies and magic cookie bars
Mm-mm-mm
Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts.
You're allergic to walnuts right, Kevin?
Extremely, but I'm going to fight through it
It's okay, Angela. I have mommy brain, too
what that is, Pam
special for you, Kevin. Right here.
When did you find time to do all this?
Babies sleep a lot, Pam if you feed them enough
Brownie, Pam?
Thank you
Oh, my gosh It's really good
I'm watching my weight
Say, guys, you know what's an even more useful treat is cash. So
Nope. It's over. No. Okay We wanted to say thank you
Dwight, I have exciting news for you What?
Going to like it
You can't tantalize me
Oh, maybe I can
I got an e-mail from corporate
that told me Okay.
...that you got a promotion
Right? I mean, that's not the kind of thing you want to read quietly at your desk
If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear
No. This is legit
You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks
to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah Yeah! Yeah!
The Schrutes have a word for when
everything in a man's life comes together perfectly
"Perfektenschlag.'
Right now, I'm in it
I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate
a competent team I am likely a father
I am so deep inside of perfektenschlag right now
And just to be clear, there is a second definition
"perfect pork anus, ' which I don't mean
And here's the fax for you
And here's some facts for you
Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs?
And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes
Love to learn. Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one.
So
Yeah, look at that We're pin twins.
Pin twins
This is a gift from Jessica Kind of a gag gift, really
Real gifts come later
Yeah. That's cute
When I saw it at CVS it made me gag, too. Just
For a while there, I thought something would change, but nope.
Andy's still with Jessica
They even carpool together most days.
I don't know.
I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy,
but I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica
What do we have here?
Val knit me a beanie.
But I can't tell if it's a "We're just friends" beanie
or a "I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it popping" beanie
So I'm going to up the ante
Give her a clearly romantic gift.
And we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.
Pam, pack up your post-natal swimwear
make it a one piece or this offer is rescinded
and join me for a fantastic barbeque one week from today in Tallahassee, Florida
where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks.
Really? Mm-hmm
I'll fly anywhere for some good barbeque
Ooh, me three
No plus ones. This is for competent workers only.
And don't worry about the cost. Sabre is footing the bill
Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?
God, you're such a spy.
Notice anything different about me?
You're wearing the beanie. You like it?
Super comfortable Like sweatpants for my head.
It's really itchy
uh, but to be fair, my head is constantly itching
so I can't really peg it on the hat
Wow. It's like the Nation of Islam down here.
Don't hate.
Who's that for?
Oh. This is a gift for my man Nate here.
What? Yeah
Darryl, you shouldn't have
Can I open it? No, no, no maybe just later
Ah, I can't wait I'm sorry. I'm too excited.
Darryl
Wow. Those are really nice
They're so elegant
Cashmere How did you know?
Just a hunch
Your gift is on the way
Can't wait
"I'm glad you're in my life Happy Valentine's Day."
Darryl, I am glad to be in your life, too
Your card is more beautiful than the gloves
My first task as special project manager Dwight Schrute,
assembling a crack team.
I need people who are loyal,
people who will help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community.
People who won't be missed.
We don't need idiots.
Good for nothings.
Meth heads.
Or...
What's your name?
Cathy Cathy.
I just got a text from Robert California that says
"Bring your clubs to Florida."
Why? Does he think you're going to Florida?
I hope not. Because I am not going.
Two question marks?
No, just do one. Two question marks is kind of aggressive
You know, it's like "Well, what?"
Just do one
You want to take Darryl Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar?
Yes
Can I interest you in someone less essential?
Like a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?
Oh, my God They're not expendable exactly
I can't think of the word I'm trying to find
Are you kidding me?
I'm supposed to get on an airplane with those nincompoops?
We'd never make it off the runway
All right, look, I got to keep this office functioning somehow
so I have put together a list
Here's your team
Darryl and Phyllis you can have
You're also taking Cathy Kelly and Kevin.
Oh, God. You have your team
Kevin? Kelly? Cathy?
Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links
Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have
And now I no longer own an Arctic Wolf
Well, let's hear it
"Robert, hey," exclamation point I like it so far
"Got your text Awesome idea
"Let's hit the links the next time you're in PA. -J.H.'
It's perfect. You emphasize the golf, completely omit the Florida
Yeah, it's a golf text
Total golf text. Send it
Done. Wait, I just feel weird I should just call him
You want to call someone that texted you? Do you want to drive them away? I mean
This is Darryl
Sorry, I asked for the main shipment number.
I just need the address for the warehouse.
My girlfriend some flowers.
Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val?
Yeah. Do you know her?
We're friends We're friends
Cool. So can I get that address or...
Yeah, yeah. Sorry I'm just looking for a pen
Why do you need a pen?
Back off I got my reasons
May I have your attention, please?
Could Cathy, Phyllis, Darryl, Kevin and Kelly
please join me in the conference room immediately?
Why? No big deal
It's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three-week
all expenses paid business trip to Tallahassee, Florida
Hell, yeah What?
I'm sorry, Stanley. I can't share any more details with you
You see Andy rejected you
Wait Cathy gets to go?
Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
It just feels like a slap in the face
I can understand your pain. And your rage.
But you know what? Andy is an honorable man
Let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are
I know. You and me both, brother.
It seemed kind of random to me
but he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Well, he nailed it because I do deserve a vacation
Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape
Good point. But we're going to be working pretty hard until 5:00 p.m
After that, it's going to be beach volleyball trips to Cape Canaveral
and sea kayaking with Gloria Estefan
What were the criteria for going?
It might be innate goodness versus innate badness
But there's an easy way to find out
Oh, Andy, got a few questions for you
Moshi moshi.
Uh, the Florida picks got out,
and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked,
and maybe you could just clarify
Uh.
Well, the deliberations were confidential, so I feel like we should respect that.
Respect it? You're trying to tell me
Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson?
Hey Okay, it's obvious
that Andy picked the people that are least important to the office.
Important? Because you and your enormous monster baby
are so important to the branch?
My baby is not a monster
Hey, be proud of your enormous monster baby
an enormous monster baby
Guys! Guys! Guys
Come on, seriously, we cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys
Stop calling us "guys"
when I'm nervous, guys
Guys, guys, guys. Guys. - Stop it
Stop! Stop it! Andy
Dudes
The dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me
Okay, hey, I specifically remember
that there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.
Uh.
If anybody's going to Florida, it should be me.
Every shirt that I have that isn't a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama.
I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice.
Okay. I did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly
so if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to Florida,
I'm happy to hear you out. Great idea
So why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours
come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to Florida,
and Andy and I will listen to it.
No, that is a ridiculous waste of time. For you maybe
Five to six hours? Three to four hours
No, no, no, no. No. Just two to three hours
Come up with a statement over the next hour.
Thirty minutes
I'm out
Okay, read it back to me
"Robert, great offer. Wish I could hit the links with you in Florida,
"but a father of a newborn really should be helping out his wife any chance he gets.'
Good. Doesn't sound pushy You're just stating a fact
Absolutely Works for me
Okay. Sending.
Well done. And we managed to kill the entire morning
We really did
He responded, "L.O.L.'
I am already...
I already picked my team, Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby.
And that is the team that I am taking.
What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence?
Well, that's all Baltzer Glattfuelder had
and now no one eats owls for Thanksgiving
You have two young dynamic people in this office
who know trends who know youth.
That's myself and Kelly Kapoor you need one of us there
Or both? Not both. Just one. Me
Or if not me, Kelly Ideally me
Again, youth knowledge
that's what you get when you put Ryan Howard on your special project team
Or Kelly Kapoor. Again, not both. Thanks
Very impressive
He put a lot of work into that. Mm-hmm
PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world
All show, no meat
Because I feel like that I am in a place with my gambling rehab
that I can finally start going to dog racing again
You know, just sitting watching, enjoying the sport
Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's like a crazy mismatch or something
Okay. Thank you Kevin, we'll let you know.
Thank you. When do we leave?
Thank you
It really has been a long, lonely winter
Wow. Seasonal affective disorder, a.k.a. SAD.
That sounds like a very real thing, Toby
It is real. Thank you for saying that
Yeah, wow, it's almost like
we're not all experiencing the same winter
Florida Stanley smiles Florida Stanley is happy to go to work
Florida Stanley is who you want on your Florida team
It's still... Well ...she does here
Hey, guys. Any spots left?
Erin, you want to go to Tallahassee?
I think it would be a nice way to clear my head
You know, I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head
any more than it has been already
a workplace where
the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality
Either or
But if you can find someone to fill in, I would love to go
Well, it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in
Really? Oh, great. Good
Now, is it too dark to say that Cece's having an operation?
I think you need to go to Florida.
It's only for three weeks
You know, with my mom and sister at the house, it'll be
A total nightmare
because I'll have all the help I need
Yeah, that's what I'm saying They're incredibly helpful.
You're lucky to have them
With them there, you probably won't even know I'm gone
Exactly
Well
No. No! Absolutely not You are not going! Over my dead body, no. Andy
Toons, I'm really sorry
You're too essential to the operation here I can't let you go.
I wouldn't say that That's a bit much
You know, Dwight if you didn't want me to go
the smart move would be to tell Andy that I actually am essential to the operation
That way, I couldn't go
Jim is essential Hold on. I just want to get it on camera.
Andy, Jim is just too
Essential
This is stupid! Cut
All right. I'm going to pack my trunks
He doesn't even want to go.
Well, I got a text from R.C.
inviting me to come down so I think that's going to make us roommates.
Oh, my God
Hey, quick question, do you shower at night? Or do you shower in the morning?
Because I want to shower when you're showering to save some water
Okay, listen up, everyone Here's who's going to Florida
Cathy What?
Stanley. No
Ryan. No
Erin.
And Jim
You got to be * kidding me. Okay
Okay
Florida group, welcome to the team
Let's go
Step it up, you runts. You infants. Let's move
Why is it so hot in here?
Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice, temperate Florida morning
Eighty-five degrees 73% humidity.
This is the exact environment that you will be facing
for the next three weeks of your life.
Welcome to Special Projects orientation.
The next three weeks of your life
are going to be the most miserable you've ever faced.
They're going to be hard They're going to be dirty
You're going to wish you were dead
But?
"But?" There's no "buts.'
That's it. You'll wish you were dead. You seem a little disturbed
Do you want to stay here? No. No. I want to go.
Because if any of you would prefer to stay here
all you need to do is ring this bell
Is that the buzzer from Taboo?
Shut up, maggot It is.
You don't want to go ring the be
Ring it. Ring it
How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance?
How did a mosquito get in here?
I released 300 mosquitoes into the conference room.
Just temporarily
When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes.
Yes. And then he brushes your soft supple cheeks
with his worn leathery hands and says
"I'm going to make you the seventh Mrs. Rosenblat!'
Unless you ring the bell. Ring it
No. Ring the bell
You want to spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags?
Huh? Do you? Ring it What? Ah.
What was that? Mosquito
Orientation's over
Darryl, hey
Hey, what's up? You called?
Yeah, you know, I felt really terrible
that you got me these lovely gloves, and I didn't get you anything
It's cool, really
No, it's anything but cool.
Now, I haven't really had time to go out and buy you anything, but
here goes
"This coupon entitles you to one free tickle monster attack."
Yeah. They're Nate coupons or Nate-pons And they're all different
Cash that one in and I will bring you a stick of gum
any time, any place I'll find you.
Thanks
Nice flowers
Thanks. They're from my mom.
Your mom?
Yeah
Oh
So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address.
Real deep-voiced woman
Yeah, that's her
She said her name was Brandon, I think
Your mom's name is Brandon?
Yeah, Darryl. My mom's name is Brandon
out where I stand
This is a love beanie
Okay, Florida team let's reconvene.
I'm going to Florida And I'm not coming back
So Sabre has set up a conference room for our use while we're at corporate.
So what is this special project?
Basically, Sabre has tasked us with
helping them branch into the retail market place
They want to set up their own version of an Apple store.
That sounds awesome
It did. It did
You know what might be great?
Is if instead of a genius bar, we have a lounge area
where people can ask questions about the product
with other customers who liked it
Yeah, and they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers
before they see you, so you don't have to carry it around like a dope
Like a coat check
Oh, don't write it down unless you like it
Oh, I like it
It seems to me that the Apple store is kind of like a party
so I think our question is how do we make this a better party?
No. We sell business tools and the stores need to reflect that.
They need to be all business Let all the other stores look like a toy store.
Right. Think different From Apple.
Dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us?
Yes
What are my expectations for the group?
I have been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player.
Ryan, who is capable of surprises.
Erin, an excellent follower.
And Cathy, a probably not totally useless enigma.
And, well, Jim.
Under the right manager that's not a bad team.
Perfektenschlag
I'm going to live here without you
Me neither. Hey, will you put this coat on my chair?
I just realized I'm not going to need it down there
Yes, I will take your coat.
And I will keep it with me
and I will sleep with it because it smells like you
No, no, no, no, no. Just put it on my chair
All right Bye
Bye. Call me when you land I will.
Safe travels
Goodbye for a very very long time.
Okay
It's only three weeks
All expenses paid
Yeah. Jim's going to be there.
That marriage is not good Nobody knows better than me
Definitely, we will
It's three weeks in Tallahassee. What else is there to do?