The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 14 - Special Project - full transcript

Ho-ho

Look who's back reporting
for duty Hey, guys

Hey
Hi

Pam! Ha

Look what I can do now that
she's no longer pregnant

Bam! Bam! Bam! Pam

Are you glad
to be back?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I could have
used another week, or three

You still had eight
weeks more than we did.

Well, it's not
exactly a vacation

Hello, everyone! Remember?
Little old me. Hi



What are you doing here?
You just had our baby.

Our collective Dunder Mifflin
family baby four days ago.

I wanted to come
back to work.

Not everybody needs some long,
luxurious, Parisian maternity leave

Damn, girl! Your body!
What?

Angela, you
look amazing

Really? I feel like
this big rhinoceros

Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for
covering for me, so I made some treats

I've got brownies
and magic cookie bars

Mm-mm-mm

Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them
and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts.

You're allergic to
walnuts right, Kevin?

Extremely, but I'm going
to fight through it

It's okay, Angela. I have mommy brain, too



what that is, Pam

special for you,
Kevin. Right here.

When did you find time
to do all this?

Babies sleep a lot, Pam
if you feed them enough

Brownie, Pam?

Thank you

Oh, my gosh
It's really good

I'm watching my weight

Say, guys, you know what's an even
more useful treat is cash. So

Nope. It's over. No. Okay
We wanted to say thank you

Dwight, I have exciting
news for you What?

Going to like it

You can't tantalize me

Oh, maybe I can

I got an e-mail
from corporate

that told me
Okay.

...that you got
a promotion

Right? I mean, that's not the kind of thing
you want to read quietly at your desk

If you make me head of sales
one more time, I swear

No. This is legit

You will be assembling a team to
go to Tallahassee for three weeks

to develop and launch
a chain of Sabre stores

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah
Yeah! Yeah!

The Schrutes
have a word for when

everything in a man's life
comes together perfectly

"Perfektenschlag.'

Right now, I'm in it

I finally get a chance to
prove myself to corporate

a competent team
I am likely a father

I am so deep inside of
perfektenschlag right now

And just to be clear,
there is a second definition

"perfect pork anus, '
which I don't mean

And here's
the fax for you

And here's
some facts for you

Did you know frogs can
hear with their lungs?

And that flamingos can have
orgasms that last 30 minutes

Love to learn. Yeah, it's weird
that I said that last one.

So

Yeah, look at that
We're pin twins.

Pin twins

This is a gift from Jessica
Kind of a gag gift, really

Real gifts come later

Yeah. That's cute

When I saw it at CVS
it made me gag, too. Just

For a while there, I thought
something would change, but nope.

Andy's still with Jessica

They even carpool
together most days.

I don't know.

I wouldn't mind carpooling
every day with Andy,

but I wouldn't want to spend
that much time with Jessica

What do we have here?

Val knit me a beanie.

But I can't tell if it's a
"We're just friends" beanie

or a "I'm hot, you're hot,
let's get it popping" beanie

So I'm going
to up the ante

Give her a clearly
romantic gift.

And we'll get to the
meaning of the beanie.

Pam, pack up your
post-natal swimwear

make it a one piece or
this offer is rescinded

and join me for a fantastic barbeque one
week from today in Tallahassee, Florida

where I'm going to be living
for the next three weeks.

Really?
Mm-hmm

I'll fly anywhere
for some good barbeque

Ooh, me three

No plus ones. This is for
competent workers only.

And don't worry about the cost.
Sabre is footing the bill

Does this have anything to do with
what you were talking to Andy about?

God, you're
such a spy.

Notice anything
different about me?

You're wearing the beanie.
You like it?

Super comfortable Like
sweatpants for my head.

It's really itchy

uh, but to be fair, my
head is constantly itching

so I can't really
peg it on the hat

Wow. It's like the Nation
of Islam down here.

Don't hate.

Who's that for?

Oh. This is a gift for
my man Nate here.

What?
Yeah

Darryl, you
shouldn't have

Can I open it? No, no,
no maybe just later

Ah, I can't wait I'm sorry.
I'm too excited.

Darryl

Wow. Those
are really nice

They're so elegant

Cashmere
How did you know?

Just a hunch

Your gift is on the way

Can't wait

"I'm glad you're in my life
Happy Valentine's Day."

Darryl, I am glad
to be in your life, too

Your card is more
beautiful than the gloves

My first task as special project
manager Dwight Schrute,

assembling a crack team.

I need people who are loyal,

people who will help me get an inroad
with the gay Hispanic community.

People who won't be missed.

We don't need idiots.

Good for nothings.

Meth heads.

Or...

What's your name?

Cathy
Cathy.

I just got a text from
Robert California that says

"Bring your clubs
to Florida."

Why? Does he think you're
going to Florida?

I hope not. Because
I am not going.

Two question marks?

No, just do one. Two question
marks is kind of aggressive

You know, it's like
"Well, what?"

Just do one

You want to take Darryl Phyllis,
Toby, Angela and Oscar?

Yes

Can I interest you
in someone less essential?

Like a Creed or a
Meredith perhaps?

Oh, my God They're not
expendable exactly

I can't think of the word
I'm trying to find

Are you kidding me?

I'm supposed to get on an
airplane with those nincompoops?

We'd never make it
off the runway

All right, look, I got to keep
this office functioning somehow

so I have put
together a list

Here's your team

Darryl and Phyllis
you can have

You're also taking Cathy
Kelly and Kevin.

Oh, God.
You have your team

Kevin? Kelly? Cathy?

Andy just gave me a chain
with three weak links

Have you ever tried to use a chain
with three weak links? I have

And now I no longer
own an Arctic Wolf

Well, let's hear it

"Robert, hey,"
exclamation point I like it so far

"Got your text
Awesome idea

"Let's hit the links the next
time you're in PA. -J.H.'

It's perfect. You emphasize the
golf, completely omit the Florida

Yeah, it's a golf text

Total golf text. Send it

Done. Wait, I just feel weird
I should just call him

You want to call someone that texted you?
Do you want to drive them away? I mean

This is Darryl

Sorry, I asked for
the main shipment number.

I just need the address
for the warehouse.

My girlfriend
some flowers.

Your girlfriend?
Is your girlfriend Val?

Yeah. Do you know her?

We're friends
We're friends

Cool. So can I get
that address or...

Yeah, yeah. Sorry I'm
just looking for a pen

Why do you
need a pen?

Back off I got my reasons

May I have your
attention, please?

Could Cathy, Phyllis,
Darryl, Kevin and Kelly

please join me in the
conference room immediately?

Why?
No big deal

It's just that you five have been
deemed most deserving of a three-week

all expenses paid business
trip to Tallahassee, Florida

Hell, yeah
What?

I'm sorry, Stanley. I can't
share any more details with you

You see
Andy rejected you

Wait
Cathy gets to go?

Why does she even still work here?
Pam is back.

It just feels like
a slap in the face

I can understand your pain.
And your rage.

But you know what?
Andy is an honorable man

Let us not question his choices.
I'm sure he had his reasons.

We're not questioning his reasons.
I just want to know what they are

I know. You and me
both, brother.

It seemed kind
of random to me

but he was pretty clear on who he thought
truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.

Well, he nailed it because
I do deserve a vacation

Sometimes Batman's
got to take off his cape

Good point. But we're going to be
working pretty hard until 5:00 p.m

After that, it's going to be beach
volleyball trips to Cape Canaveral

and sea kayaking
with Gloria Estefan

What were the
criteria for going?

It might be innate goodness
versus innate badness

But there's an easy
way to find out

Oh, Andy, got a few
questions for you

Moshi moshi.

Uh, the Florida
picks got out,

and people were just kind of curious
as to why they weren't picked,

and maybe you
could just clarify

Uh.

Well, the deliberations were confidential,
so I feel like we should respect that.

Respect it? You're
trying to tell me

Kevin Malone deserves more
than Stanley Hudson?

Hey
Okay, it's obvious

that Andy picked the people that
are least important to the office.

Important? Because you and
your enormous monster baby

are so important
to the branch?

My baby is
not a monster

Hey, be proud of your
enormous monster baby

an enormous
monster baby

Guys! Guys! Guys

Come on, seriously, we cannot let this
trip cause this kind of rift, guys

Stop calling us "guys"

when I'm nervous, guys

Guys, guys, guys. Guys.
- Stop it

Stop! Stop it! Andy

Dudes

The dudes who are going to Florida
were picked by Dwight and me

Okay, hey, I
specifically remember

that there were a lot of other people
I thought should be considered.

Uh.

If anybody's going to
Florida, it should be me.

Every shirt that I have that isn't
a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama.

I'm the only person in this
office who watches Burn Notice.

Okay. I did not realize that so
many of you wanted to go so badly

so if you feel like you have a
very good reason to go to Florida,

I'm happy to hear you out.
Great idea

So why doesn't everyone just
take the next five to six hours

come up with a statement on why you
feel you deserve to go to Florida,

and Andy and I
will listen to it.

No, that is a ridiculous waste of time.
For you maybe

Five to six hours?
Three to four hours

No, no, no, no. No.
Just two to three hours

Come up with a statement
over the next hour.

Thirty minutes

I'm out

Okay, read it
back to me

"Robert, great offer. Wish I could
hit the links with you in Florida,

"but a father of a newborn really should be
helping out his wife any chance he gets.'

Good. Doesn't sound pushy
You're just stating a fact

Absolutely
Works for me

Okay. Sending.

Well done. And we managed
to kill the entire morning

We really did

He responded, "L.O.L.'

I am already...

I already picked my team, Darryl,
Oscar, Angela, Phyllis and Toby.

And that is the team
that I am taking.

What's that? It's not up to me?
I only have influence?

Well, that's all
Baltzer Glattfuelder had

and now no one eats
owls for Thanksgiving

You have two young dynamic
people in this office

who know trends
who know youth.

That's myself and Kelly Kapoor
you need one of us there

Or both? Not both. Just one. Me

Or if not me, Kelly
Ideally me

Again, youth knowledge

that's what you get when you put Ryan
Howard on your special project team

Or Kelly Kapoor.
Again, not both. Thanks

Very impressive

He put a lot of work into that.
Mm-hmm

PowerPoints are the peacocks
of the business world

All show, no meat

Because I feel like that I am in
a place with my gambling rehab

that I can finally start
going to dog racing again

You know, just sitting
watching, enjoying the sport

Maybe putting down a few dollars if there's
like a crazy mismatch or something

Okay. Thank you Kevin,
we'll let you know.

Thank you.
When do we leave?

Thank you

It really has been
a long, lonely winter

Wow. Seasonal affective
disorder, a.k.a. SAD.

That sounds like
a very real thing, Toby

It is real. Thank you
for saying that

Yeah, wow,
it's almost like

we're not all experiencing
the same winter

Florida Stanley smiles Florida
Stanley is happy to go to work

Florida Stanley is who you
want on your Florida team

It's still... Well
...she does here

Hey, guys.
Any spots left?

Erin, you want to go
to Tallahassee?

I think it would be a
nice way to clear my head

You know, I don't think it's a good
idea for you to clear your head

any more than it
has been already

a workplace where

the burdens of everyday life
keep you tethered to reality

Either or

But if you can find someone to
fill in, I would love to go

Well, it wouldn't be hard
to find someone to fill in

Really? Oh, great. Good

Now, is it too dark to say that
Cece's having an operation?

I think you need
to go to Florida.

It's only for three weeks

You know, with my mom and
sister at the house, it'll be

A total nightmare

because I'll have
all the help I need

Yeah, that's what I'm saying
They're incredibly helpful.

You're lucky
to have them

With them there, you probably
won't even know I'm gone

Exactly

Well

No. No! Absolutely not You are not going!
Over my dead body, no. Andy

Toons, I'm really sorry

You're too essential to the
operation here I can't let you go.

I wouldn't say that
That's a bit much

You know, Dwight if you
didn't want me to go

the smart move would be to tell Andy that
I actually am essential to the operation

That way, I couldn't go

Jim is essential Hold on. I
just want to get it on camera.

Andy, Jim is just too

Essential

This is stupid! Cut

All right. I'm going
to pack my trunks

He doesn't even
want to go.

Well, I got a text
from R.C.

inviting me to come down so I think
that's going to make us roommates.

Oh, my God

Hey, quick question, do you shower at
night? Or do you shower in the morning?

Because I want to shower when
you're showering to save some water

Okay, listen up, everyone
Here's who's going to Florida

Cathy
What?

Stanley.
No

Ryan.
No

Erin.

And Jim

You got to be *
kidding me. Okay

Okay

Florida group,
welcome to the team

Let's go

Step it up, you runts.
You infants. Let's move

Why is it so
hot in here?

Hot? What are you talking about? This
is a nice, temperate Florida morning

Eighty-five degrees
73% humidity.

This is the exact environment
that you will be facing

for the next three
weeks of your life.

Welcome to Special
Projects orientation.

The next three weeks
of your life

are going to be the most
miserable you've ever faced.

They're going to be hard
They're going to be dirty

You're going to
wish you were dead

But?

"But?" There's no "buts.'

That's it. You'll wish you were dead.
You seem a little disturbed

Do you want to stay here?
No. No. I want to go.

Because if any of you
would prefer to stay here

all you need to do
is ring this bell

Is that the buzzer
from Taboo?

Shut up, maggot
It is.

You don't want to go
ring the be

Ring it. Ring it

How many of you have seen the
documentary Deliverance?

How did a mosquito
get in here?

I released 300 mosquitoes
into the conference room.

Just temporarily

When I'm done, the frogs will
take care of the mosquitoes.

Yes. And then he brushes
your soft supple cheeks

with his worn leathery
hands and says

"I'm going to make you
the seventh Mrs. Rosenblat!'

Unless you ring
the bell. Ring it

No.
Ring the bell

You want to spend the rest of your life
changing your husband's colostomy bags?

Huh? Do you? Ring it
What? Ah.

What was that?
Mosquito

Orientation's over

Darryl, hey

Hey, what's up?
You called?

Yeah, you know,
I felt really terrible

that you got me these lovely gloves,
and I didn't get you anything

It's cool, really

No, it's anything
but cool.

Now, I haven't really had time to
go out and buy you anything, but

here goes

"This coupon entitles you to one
free tickle monster attack."

Yeah. They're Nate coupons or
Nate-pons And they're all different

Cash that one in and I will
bring you a stick of gum

any time, any place
I'll find you.

Thanks

Nice flowers

Thanks. They're
from my mom.

Your mom?

Yeah

Oh

So I guess that was your mom who called
me earlier looking for the address.

Real deep-voiced woman

Yeah, that's her

She said her name
was Brandon, I think

Your mom's name
is Brandon?

Yeah, Darryl. My mom's
name is Brandon

out where I stand

This is a love beanie

Okay, Florida team
let's reconvene.

I'm going to Florida
And I'm not coming back

So Sabre has set up a conference room
for our use while we're at corporate.

So what is this
special project?

Basically, Sabre has
tasked us with

helping them branch into
the retail market place

They want to set up their own
version of an Apple store.

That sounds awesome

It did. It did

You know what
might be great?

Is if instead of a genius
bar, we have a lounge area

where people can ask
questions about the product

with other customers
who liked it

Yeah, and they should have a place where
people can check their computers or printers

before they see you, so you don't
have to carry it around like a dope

Like a coat check

Oh, don't write it down
unless you like it

Oh, I like it

It seems to me that the Apple
store is kind of like a party

so I think our question is how
do we make this a better party?

No. We sell business tools and
the stores need to reflect that.

They need to be all business Let all the
other stores look like a toy store.

Right. Think different
From Apple.

Dwight, is now a good time to
go over what you expect of us?

Yes

What are my expectations
for the group?

I have been given the responsibility
to manage Stanley, a solid player.

Ryan, who is capable
of surprises.

Erin, an excellent
follower.

And Cathy, a probably not
totally useless enigma.

And, well, Jim.

Under the right manager
that's not a bad team.

Perfektenschlag

I'm going to live here
without you

Me neither. Hey, will you
put this coat on my chair?

I just realized I'm not
going to need it down there

Yes, I will take
your coat.

And I will keep it
with me

and I will sleep with it
because it smells like you

No, no, no, no, no.
Just put it on my chair

All right
Bye

Bye. Call me when
you land I will.

Safe travels

Goodbye for a very
very long time.

Okay

It's only three weeks

All expenses paid

Yeah. Jim's going
to be there.

That marriage is not good
Nobody knows better than me

Definitely, we will

It's three weeks in Tallahassee.
What else is there to do?