The Office (2005–2013): Season 8, Episode 12 - Pool Party - full transcript
Robert throws a party for the Dunder Mifflin staff at his house before he puts it on the market because his divorce. At the party, Erin and Dwight agree to flirt with each other to make Andy jealous, and Jim tries in vain to duck out early.
Oh... Oh
What is this?
A meatball? Really?
It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience
That was usually Pam
So now that she's out, I had to find someone else
Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan
But not everything makes him laugh.
He has very specific tastes.
Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I found out what he likes.
And it's really weird
Jim, come on. So juvenile
What the
You've been meatballed
Are you ready for some meatballs?
Oh, man
This is not very clever, Jim
I know Look for your stapler
Really, Jim? Really?
Very funny
Okay, good night
What's the haul?
Thirty-two meatballs
Good day
That idiot's been feeding us for a week
We'll never have to buy meatballs again
Dunder Mifflin
Jessica, hi, how are you?
Yay, that's so great to hear
I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on.
They have their life and I have mine
I'm taking an Italian class
So far, I have learned tortellini spaghettini, linguine.
Well, it's not so much a class as a restaurant
But I do Monday Wednesday, Friday from 7:00 to 9:00
I will patch you through right now
You sound really pretty today. Okay
Jessica, I love you
That's a message from my mom
My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so
they gave me this old family ring to use on her
Pump the brakes, Bernard
Too early, I get it I just... You know
I'm just carrying it around seeing how it feels.
I haven't proposed to anyone in years
Mom took the main diamond out She thought that had more of a
"my little brother" kind of vibe to it. But
Whoa. It's pretty nice
Got a little bit of The Shining vibe, though
Who needs a house that size?
Big, stupid, pure chump bait
I'm selling the house actually.
No, there's a glare from over here
Oh, wow, that's magnificent
It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state,
and I've got the most expensive house on the market.
The 1% are suffering too, people
I bought it to be my Playboy Mansion
A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue
This was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you.
Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own
Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place.
The ultimate insult they're calling
my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room
Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?
I'm sorry. I thought you were making a joke
What could you possibly have found funny in what I said?
What was the joke you thought you heard?
I guess I thought you were approaching it
with more of a sarcasm than misery
Kind of laughing at your own pain
Sad clown thing
Oh, yes. How hilarious it is
to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of a dying circus industry
Very funny, Jim. I get it
Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the "grumpies" in here.
A beautiful monster cost me my 40s and my dream home
I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day
Well, please tell Susan we all say hi
Dude, what if since you're feeling grumpy
we all swing by tonight and check out
your indoor pool? Kevin, no
Like some sort of last hurrah?
Yeah. All of us in the pool saying hurrah.
Maybe the last one that says hurrah is "it.'
Well, I suppose someone should enjoy the place
before I hand it over to the staging experts at RE/MAX tomorrow.
Let's try this
Everyone, tonight, my house wear a swimsuit
Let's just call it a get-together
And let's say no food
Hey, Oscar, was that you who just
created a party out of thin air or was it me?
That was you, Kevin
It was me
You going tonight, kiddo? Because I can give you a lift
Oh, I don't know Meredith, it seems like
you shouldn't drive maybe ever
It's no problem. You live right near me
How do you know where I live?
Andy followed you home after the Christmas party
Why?
He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.
Oh. Come on
Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker.
Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend,
a restraining order
It is warm
It's almost too warm
I'm feeling 82, 82.5
Oh. So close. Eighty-one
Well, we'll say it's 82 and it'll be our secret
Hey, late guy Hey
Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to
A wife and two kids at home party Oh
DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.
You're looking at the master of leaving parties early
The key is you have to make a strong impression
so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar
non sequitur that people remember
you want to note something unique, a talking point for later
I don't mean to brag but New Year's Eve, I was home by 9:00.
Robert, I just wanted to grab you for one second
This place is amazing by the way.
You should see the whole thing
That's beautiful. I'm going to e-mail that to you
I'm just about to give the tour
All right. Well Join us
You must see what you were laughing about.
Wow
Yeah, that's some pretty serious poolage
What are you doing? Hmm?
Flicking a bug off my weiner.
Gross
I'm getting a drink Do you want anything?
No, I'm good
Funny how you can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely
Hi Hi
How is everything? How's your car?
It's great, you know, reliable, great mileage
Is that so?
How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something?
Maybe get caught in the rain
Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica
Couple of dopes on the slopes.
Oh. Like a goodbye trip
No. What?
Hey Hi
I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend.
But if he was jealous once before
then maybe I can make him jealous again
Just not with Robert
He told me he was a ridel wouldn't survive and I believe him.
Wow. You made it. Yeah. Yeah
Uh-oh. Look at this Red plastic cup, red plastic cup.
How about that?
You know, you are just as dumb at night
Mmm
There is... This would be no problem
No! Show me. All right
Dive in from here right now. Okay.
Hey, Dwight Snoot What you doing? Wait, relaxing. Scram
God
Hey, Stanley, what happened to my pants?
I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them
Come on, don't you want to play?
Oh, really? Yeah.
You want to play you little hick?
Dwight
Awesome - Dwight!
Here we have the parlor.
Would set down their coats
and symbolically their inhibitions.
This was the gateway
You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge,
but beyond it you are simply a penis a vagina, a hunger, an ache
Susan used it as a Pilates studio
Holy cow
My wine collection
How many bottles? Three hundred?
About 1,200.
What the hell grab a bottle.
Less inventory for the lawyers
Toby, ChÉteau Margaux, '95
You know your wine
Well. And you have a Yes, another ch√¢teau
Robert, you are too kind
Oh Too kind doesn't begin to cover it.
With ammunition like this, we are in for quite a night you and me
And Gabey makes three
Robert, thank you. Thank you for this, thank you for all this
This night's been magical
Jim, come see this next room
especially would like it
Really? Why? I don't know
Maybe not. Just come
Do you regret attacking me now, hick?
Huh? Dwight. Stop it. I was flirting with you
I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous
I'm not going to help you
Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty?
Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it!
Stop. You stop
No, you stop. No, you stop
Is he looking? You can stop
Okay, you can stop No, no, no he's not looking.
You can actually stop
Whoa, you guys
I just found this insane engagement ring
Is anyone missing this?
The main stone's missing
It looks pretty great to me
I pictured myself here every night
eating a leg of mutton, the juices
dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls
Then I met the vegan
Good night. To the kitchen
To the kitchen To the kitchen
To the kitchen
Onward - Toby
what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon
Right? Note?
It's a symphony Okay.
You have to join my wine tasting club.
Toby, you are playing a dangerous game
I guess I'm through the gateway now though, right?
You know
I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before.
I'm scared of firsts but I like it.
You guys got to try this pool.
No top scum, no Band-Aids this thing is choice.
You in?
Yeah. Sure, sure I'll be right in
I've been working out
but the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath
and that top layer hasn't burned off yet
Awkward stage
Mmm
So good. Now take a chip and crush it into my face
and rub the grease around Do it. Yeah, rub it in.
Yeah That's so good
Andy's not even looking
eating is a dead end Damn it.
What is the most romantic possible thing?
We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.
Dwight, that's just That's really perfect
Thank you. Yes Yes!
You're in my lane
Andy
Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight.
Winner take all
Chicken fight
No, thanks Dang it!
What the heck already
Cathy, chicken fight
Okay, yeah, who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?
I'm right here
Come on, Cath
Yes
Whoo
Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking We work so well together
I know. I could just bang you right now
He's not looking. Hey
I had two bears sewn together to make this king size.
Total waste of two bears
To both these bears
To both these bears - Bears.
To both these bears
When I put in the screening room I bought three movies
Caligula, Last Tango in Paris and Emmanuelle 2.
Mwa
The last two movies I actually watched in here were
Marley & Me and On Golden * Pond.
I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema
Yeah. We could watch some right now, if you want.
I've got a Korean film on my iPod.
If you want to just... If you have the cables
Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found
Yeah. Thanks, I'm really glad that I found it
I can't believe you're wearing it
Are you not superstitious at all?
Of course I'm superstitious, what are you talking about?
Ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right?
Am I just being silly?
I don't think you're being silly
Oh, God
You know what? I can just sell it
and put the money in the party fund.
Oh
Then another woman will get it, we can't allow that
We have to destroy it
Come on. Let's chicken fight those two
How was that? Okay, watch my toes
Hey, Val, want a beer?
It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking
No, I'm good. Thank you
Cool Cool.
Does Darryl not swim?
That's racist. I don't know
but I would say by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim
That's all right That's all right! We got this
Yeah Yeah
Maybe we should take a little break Dwight, we've got this.
I promise. I will not leave your shoulders no matter what
Okay
One more? Yeah. Great
Mush! Mush! Mush
Come on Go
Here we go
Yay
Whoa Wow.
I cannot believe you're still on. I can't believe it either
I've got this!
Erin, did we win?
Sure. Sure, we did
You're lying. We didn't win
Hey, hey, hey, Dwight It's okay! Just rest. Just rest.
You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring.
Do it
We're in the pool Shove it, Angela.
Same old party same old people, am I right?
Reminds me of Phyllis' birthday
Ooh. Do not remind me of Phyllis' birthday I know.
But boy, that Erin, she sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she?
Meow!
And to think I always thought of her as a second Meredith
Respectfully, I don't want us walking into
a similar Angela kind of situation Mmm.
So I just want to make sure that you are completely
100% done with Erin
Last I checked I'm with Jessica and I like to get my mongo on
It's monogamy for my hog and me
Not what I asked We're done
Erin and I are over. Okay
So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her?
Just go nuts...
With sex
Have at it
Or take it slow, whatever you guys work out
You're an idiot
Cannonba
Let's do this
Oh
So I kind of stepped on this I think it's yours.
Yeah
Oh. Wow
How did you know it was mine?
The Bernard family seal, duh
Duh
Sorry if your special night was ruined
Oh, whoa, whoa, no it's not a special night
Oh, you weren't going to do it?
Honestly, Erin, I don't know what I'm doing
Thank you
Andy's confused
That's not what I was hoping for. But it's not so bad either
And, of course the pool.
Ultimate lubricant for any wild evening
It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness
To madness
Madness. To madness
To madness
Hey, I think you parked my car in
Is there any way you can move your van?
Hey, I'm sorry When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl
Are you serious?
Robert, I want you to know I'm here to rock with you as late as you want
And that goes double for me
I'll stay even later than you'd like
Toby, I am Bacchus god of wine.
And I am Bacchus' friend
Gentlemen, bear witness while I've been
mourning the nights that never were
one of them has been unfolding here before me
This is no get-together
This is a party
Yes
And there's my talking point
Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys
It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you
You two keep going
Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave
So leave
What is this?
A meatball? Really?
It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience
That was usually Pam
So now that she's out, I had to find someone else
Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan
But not everything makes him laugh.
He has very specific tastes.
Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I found out what he likes.
And it's really weird
Jim, come on. So juvenile
What the
You've been meatballed
Are you ready for some meatballs?
Oh, man
This is not very clever, Jim
I know Look for your stapler
Really, Jim? Really?
Very funny
Okay, good night
What's the haul?
Thirty-two meatballs
Good day
That idiot's been feeding us for a week
We'll never have to buy meatballs again
Dunder Mifflin
Jessica, hi, how are you?
Yay, that's so great to hear
I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on.
They have their life and I have mine
I'm taking an Italian class
So far, I have learned tortellini spaghettini, linguine.
Well, it's not so much a class as a restaurant
But I do Monday Wednesday, Friday from 7:00 to 9:00
I will patch you through right now
You sound really pretty today. Okay
Jessica, I love you
That's a message from my mom
My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so
they gave me this old family ring to use on her
Pump the brakes, Bernard
Too early, I get it I just... You know
I'm just carrying it around seeing how it feels.
I haven't proposed to anyone in years
Mom took the main diamond out She thought that had more of a
"my little brother" kind of vibe to it. But
Whoa. It's pretty nice
Got a little bit of The Shining vibe, though
Who needs a house that size?
Big, stupid, pure chump bait
I'm selling the house actually.
No, there's a glare from over here
Oh, wow, that's magnificent
It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state,
and I've got the most expensive house on the market.
The 1% are suffering too, people
I bought it to be my Playboy Mansion
A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue
This was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you.
Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own
Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place.
The ultimate insult they're calling
my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room
Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim?
I'm sorry. I thought you were making a joke
What could you possibly have found funny in what I said?
What was the joke you thought you heard?
I guess I thought you were approaching it
with more of a sarcasm than misery
Kind of laughing at your own pain
Sad clown thing
Oh, yes. How hilarious it is
to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of a dying circus industry
Very funny, Jim. I get it
Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the "grumpies" in here.
A beautiful monster cost me my 40s and my dream home
I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day
Well, please tell Susan we all say hi
Dude, what if since you're feeling grumpy
we all swing by tonight and check out
your indoor pool? Kevin, no
Like some sort of last hurrah?
Yeah. All of us in the pool saying hurrah.
Maybe the last one that says hurrah is "it.'
Well, I suppose someone should enjoy the place
before I hand it over to the staging experts at RE/MAX tomorrow.
Let's try this
Everyone, tonight, my house wear a swimsuit
Let's just call it a get-together
And let's say no food
Hey, Oscar, was that you who just
created a party out of thin air or was it me?
That was you, Kevin
It was me
You going tonight, kiddo? Because I can give you a lift
Oh, I don't know Meredith, it seems like
you shouldn't drive maybe ever
It's no problem. You live right near me
How do you know where I live?
Andy followed you home after the Christmas party
Why?
He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you.
Oh. Come on
Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker.
Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend,
a restraining order
It is warm
It's almost too warm
I'm feeling 82, 82.5
Oh. So close. Eighty-one
Well, we'll say it's 82 and it'll be our secret
Hey, late guy Hey
Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to
A wife and two kids at home party Oh
DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight.
You're looking at the master of leaving parties early
The key is you have to make a strong impression
so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar
non sequitur that people remember
you want to note something unique, a talking point for later
I don't mean to brag but New Year's Eve, I was home by 9:00.
Robert, I just wanted to grab you for one second
This place is amazing by the way.
You should see the whole thing
That's beautiful. I'm going to e-mail that to you
I'm just about to give the tour
All right. Well Join us
You must see what you were laughing about.
Wow
Yeah, that's some pretty serious poolage
What are you doing? Hmm?
Flicking a bug off my weiner.
Gross
I'm getting a drink Do you want anything?
No, I'm good
Funny how you can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely
Hi Hi
How is everything? How's your car?
It's great, you know, reliable, great mileage
Is that so?
How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something?
Maybe get caught in the rain
Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica
Couple of dopes on the slopes.
Oh. Like a goodbye trip
No. What?
Hey Hi
I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend.
But if he was jealous once before
then maybe I can make him jealous again
Just not with Robert
He told me he was a ridel wouldn't survive and I believe him.
Wow. You made it. Yeah. Yeah
Uh-oh. Look at this Red plastic cup, red plastic cup.
How about that?
You know, you are just as dumb at night
Mmm
There is... This would be no problem
No! Show me. All right
Dive in from here right now. Okay.
Hey, Dwight Snoot What you doing? Wait, relaxing. Scram
God
Hey, Stanley, what happened to my pants?
I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them
Come on, don't you want to play?
Oh, really? Yeah.
You want to play you little hick?
Dwight
Awesome - Dwight!
Here we have the parlor.
Would set down their coats
and symbolically their inhibitions.
This was the gateway
You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge,
but beyond it you are simply a penis a vagina, a hunger, an ache
Susan used it as a Pilates studio
Holy cow
My wine collection
How many bottles? Three hundred?
About 1,200.
What the hell grab a bottle.
Less inventory for the lawyers
Toby, ChÉteau Margaux, '95
You know your wine
Well. And you have a Yes, another ch√¢teau
Robert, you are too kind
Oh Too kind doesn't begin to cover it.
With ammunition like this, we are in for quite a night you and me
And Gabey makes three
Robert, thank you. Thank you for this, thank you for all this
This night's been magical
Jim, come see this next room
especially would like it
Really? Why? I don't know
Maybe not. Just come
Do you regret attacking me now, hick?
Huh? Dwight. Stop it. I was flirting with you
I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous
I'm not going to help you
Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty?
Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it!
Stop. You stop
No, you stop. No, you stop
Is he looking? You can stop
Okay, you can stop No, no, no he's not looking.
You can actually stop
Whoa, you guys
I just found this insane engagement ring
Is anyone missing this?
The main stone's missing
It looks pretty great to me
I pictured myself here every night
eating a leg of mutton, the juices
dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls
Then I met the vegan
Good night. To the kitchen
To the kitchen To the kitchen
To the kitchen
Onward - Toby
what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon
Right? Note?
It's a symphony Okay.
You have to join my wine tasting club.
Toby, you are playing a dangerous game
I guess I'm through the gateway now though, right?
You know
I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before.
I'm scared of firsts but I like it.
You guys got to try this pool.
No top scum, no Band-Aids this thing is choice.
You in?
Yeah. Sure, sure I'll be right in
I've been working out
but the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath
and that top layer hasn't burned off yet
Awkward stage
Mmm
So good. Now take a chip and crush it into my face
and rub the grease around Do it. Yeah, rub it in.
Yeah That's so good
Andy's not even looking
eating is a dead end Damn it.
What is the most romantic possible thing?
We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.
Dwight, that's just That's really perfect
Thank you. Yes Yes!
You're in my lane
Andy
Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight.
Winner take all
Chicken fight
No, thanks Dang it!
What the heck already
Cathy, chicken fight
Okay, yeah, who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim?
I'm right here
Come on, Cath
Yes
Whoo
Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking We work so well together
I know. I could just bang you right now
He's not looking. Hey
I had two bears sewn together to make this king size.
Total waste of two bears
To both these bears
To both these bears - Bears.
To both these bears
When I put in the screening room I bought three movies
Caligula, Last Tango in Paris and Emmanuelle 2.
Mwa
The last two movies I actually watched in here were
Marley & Me and On Golden * Pond.
I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema
Yeah. We could watch some right now, if you want.
I've got a Korean film on my iPod.
If you want to just... If you have the cables
Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found
Yeah. Thanks, I'm really glad that I found it
I can't believe you're wearing it
Are you not superstitious at all?
Of course I'm superstitious, what are you talking about?
Ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right?
Am I just being silly?
I don't think you're being silly
Oh, God
You know what? I can just sell it
and put the money in the party fund.
Oh
Then another woman will get it, we can't allow that
We have to destroy it
Come on. Let's chicken fight those two
How was that? Okay, watch my toes
Hey, Val, want a beer?
It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking
No, I'm good. Thank you
Cool Cool.
Does Darryl not swim?
That's racist. I don't know
but I would say by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim
That's all right That's all right! We got this
Yeah Yeah
Maybe we should take a little break Dwight, we've got this.
I promise. I will not leave your shoulders no matter what
Okay
One more? Yeah. Great
Mush! Mush! Mush
Come on Go
Here we go
Yay
Whoa Wow.
I cannot believe you're still on. I can't believe it either
I've got this!
Erin, did we win?
Sure. Sure, we did
You're lying. We didn't win
Hey, hey, hey, Dwight It's okay! Just rest. Just rest.
You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring.
Do it
We're in the pool Shove it, Angela.
Same old party same old people, am I right?
Reminds me of Phyllis' birthday
Ooh. Do not remind me of Phyllis' birthday I know.
But boy, that Erin, she sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she?
Meow!
And to think I always thought of her as a second Meredith
Respectfully, I don't want us walking into
a similar Angela kind of situation Mmm.
So I just want to make sure that you are completely
100% done with Erin
Last I checked I'm with Jessica and I like to get my mongo on
It's monogamy for my hog and me
Not what I asked We're done
Erin and I are over. Okay
So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her?
Just go nuts...
With sex
Have at it
Or take it slow, whatever you guys work out
You're an idiot
Cannonba
Let's do this
Oh
So I kind of stepped on this I think it's yours.
Yeah
Oh. Wow
How did you know it was mine?
The Bernard family seal, duh
Duh
Sorry if your special night was ruined
Oh, whoa, whoa, no it's not a special night
Oh, you weren't going to do it?
Honestly, Erin, I don't know what I'm doing
Thank you
Andy's confused
That's not what I was hoping for. But it's not so bad either
And, of course the pool.
Ultimate lubricant for any wild evening
It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness
To madness
Madness. To madness
To madness
Hey, I think you parked my car in
Is there any way you can move your van?
Hey, I'm sorry When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl
Are you serious?
Robert, I want you to know I'm here to rock with you as late as you want
And that goes double for me
I'll stay even later than you'd like
Toby, I am Bacchus god of wine.
And I am Bacchus' friend
Gentlemen, bear witness while I've been
mourning the nights that never were
one of them has been unfolding here before me
This is no get-together
This is a party
Yes
And there's my talking point
Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys
It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you
You two keep going
Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave
So leave