The Office (2005–2013): Season 7, Episode 4 - Sex Ed - full transcript

Mmm.

Necesito un bueno worker.
Tu es fuerte. Come on.

We don't go with that man.
I've seen several men go with that man and none come back.
We've lost friends...
We don't know what he does with them.
I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
I pick up day laborers
and tell them that they'll get paid at 6:00 p.m.
At 5:45, a certain I.N.S. Agent,
by the name of Mose Schrute,
throws them in the back of a van,
drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg
and tells them it's Canada.

Tu es un bueno worker?
Si. Yo muy bueno worker.
Yel acento... Donde are you from?
Scranton.
Y... before that, la Philadelphia.
You speak English? Yes.
I'm really good at English. Okay, good, me too.
Get in the car. Okay.
Who is this guy by our cars?
That is my new maintenance worker, Nate,
and you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of
that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
Yeah. I got stung up my dress.
Poor hornet.
I've left him all the tools he needs.
This is do or die.
If he chooses correctly, he'll conquer the hornets.
And if he doesn't?
He'll die.
What? Beg your pardon?
DWIGHT: When did the phrase "do or die" become so corrupted?
KELLY: Is that a blowtorch? No.
No, no, no! No, no!
DWIGHT: Interesting choice.
PAM: Yes.
ANDY: Very, very smart.
PAM: Walking away.
No! No, no, no!
The bat.
PAM: What is he doing?
ANDY: Oh! They're stinging him!
ALL: No, no, no!
No, no!

Good morning, Erin. Any mustaches, I mean messages?
Terrific.
MICHAEL: There are many reasons
a man would wear a fake mustache to work.
He is a fan
of the outrageous.
He loves to
surprise!
He loves other things as well.
Wow.
Okay.
It's a pimple, Phyllis.
Avril Lavigne gets them all the time,
and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
That's no pimple, Michael.
You mean cancer?
What? No way. No. Definitely not. Not cancer.
It's just good to catch a Michael train of thought early
before it derails and destroys the entire town.
MEREDITH: Wait, wait, wait.
It's just a cold sore.
It is?
Yup, just a cold sore. Just a cold sore.
Thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne.
I have a cold sore. I didn't even have a cold.
I don't know how I got it.
I know how you got it.
How?
Michael, come on.
A cold sore is herpes.
What? What you should do, Michael,
is have a doctor take a look at it,
'cause we don't really know what that is.
I know tons and tons of people who have herpes.
I have it myself.
That's what it is.
I've never seen herpes on you.
'Cause it's on my genitals, genius.
You have a penis?
Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?
Yeah, my last physical when I was 40.
That was, like, 10 years ago.
No, it was, like, four years ago.
Michael, you're at least 46.
Why "at least"?
If you're guessing 46, just say 46.
Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?
This is what you get
when you treat your body like an outhouse.
ANDY: You know what, guys?
How about we just chill out a little bit on the herp chat?
Okay? I was an R.A. In college,
and I can tell you,
the number one sexually transmitted disease
is ignorance.
I guess maybe she could marry a meth dealer with crabs...
I don't even want to know about these things.
Hey, guys.

How did this happen? How did I get this?
Sometimes it can lie dormant in a woman for years.
They may not even know that they have it.
You know what? I feel like
one of those old-timey sailors with VD.
Eh, it's me own darn fault.
Girl in every port! What port?
The Jan port?
The Holly port? Don't even...
Holly was clean, okay?
If anything, I gave it to her.
You may have. Oh, my God.
What if I did?
You need to contact Holly.
You need to notify her that she is crawling with herpes.
Okay. You know what?
Might.
Might be crawling with herpes.
I might have gotten it after her.
You need to contact every woman you've been with
and notify them of your herpes infestation.
It's the right thing to do.
There's no way I'm gonna do that.
Then I will.
All right, I...
Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me
that we all have an obligation to the public health
to track down anyone who gives us a disease,
inform them of it,
and take overwhelming revenge on that person.
Again, I'm no doctor.
I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.

DONNA: Hello.
Hi, Donna. It's Michael.
Michael. I didn't think I'd hear from you.
How've you been?
I have a disease
for which there is no known cure
that has been sexually transmitted to me.
Oh, no!
I can't even say it.
H-I
Oh, my God!
R-P-E-E-S.
Wait. You're calling to tell me that you have herpes?
No. I am calling to see if you gave me herpes,
because if you did,
I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations.
So you have it, right? No.
Does your stupid husband have it?
No, he doesn't.
Are you telling me I have to get tested?
Yes, I'm telling you you have to get tested for herpes.
Good-bye! So long, Donna.
Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Not again.
What do you mean "again"?
You're always asking for our attention.
Well, maybe like a year ago.
Mmm. Seems recent.
No, that's...
Andy, the reason it seems more recent
is because many of us here have never stood up
and asked for everyone's attention,
and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Everyone, I've noticed that
we've not been entirely kind to one of our own,
due to stigmas and prejudices.
Oh! When you got your new phone,
that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
STANLEY: World Cup. That's what I was thinking.
OSCAR: That's right.
You kept announcing scores.
It's the world's only international sport, so...
This is Holly.
No, this is Holly.
No, this is Holly.
No, this is Holly.
No... This is Michael Scott.
Busted.
So, what can I do for you, Holly?
I'm calling because
there was a terrible car accident.
Oh, really? Was anyone killed?
A lot of people.
Any nuns?
Three nuns.
Missionaries from South Africa.
Were they in the missionary position?

Hot pizza, check it and see
I got a whole Bunch of pepperoni
Yeah. Now you're looking at me.
Anyone who's interested in entering into
an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos
of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break.
Do you ever wonder what life would have been like
if you hadn't been transferred?
HOLLY: Yeah.
We would have twins.
I don't think we'd have kids.
Mmm-hmm. We dated for a few weeks.
Mmm-mmm. We would be married.
Michael, I've been dating A.J. For a year and a half now.
You do this, you know?
Do what?
You romanticize things.
I don't romantici...
No.
Michael, you cried
at that tag line for a movie you made up.
"He had no arms or legs.
"He couldn't see, hear or speak.
"This is how he led a nation."
You made us out to be more than we were.
Maybe we were more than we were.
I don't know what you're getting so upset about.
We had a fun fling a long time ago.
It's a good memory. Okay, all right.
I gotta go. Michael...
He forgot to mention the herpes.
It didn't come up organically.
...to accommodate the suppliers.
Gentlemen, nice to see you. It'll be just a moment.
If you could show them into conference room B.
The pharmaceutical company
should be able to accommodate us.
How do I do it? Raise my daughter,
work as director of office purchasing for this hospital
and release an album of Doris Day covers
on my own label?
If I knew, I'd tell you.
It's nice to see you doing so well.
Yeah, I'm really happy.
Me and Astrid against the world. We're loving it.
Yeah, so, kind of the supermom.
Bringing home the bacon. Yeah.
Fry it up in a pan
Never, never, never let you
Forget you're a man

Love that commercial.
I don't understand the reference.
Well,
Michael, it was nice to get your call.
We had to come over right away. It's urgent. Okay.
Michael has something to tell you. Shh.
Are you gonna keep me in suspense?

Would you excuse us?
Okay, I'm gonna
head outta here.
I know you have a lot to talk about, okay?
Is there an operating theater
that's open to visitors?
Never mind. I'll find it.
He hasn't changed. No.
So, what couldn't wait?
Am I the kind of person
to misremember our relationship
as something more than it was?
Michael Scott,
you are here for a post-mortem.
What?
You wanna dig into our relationship,
go over it, see what killed it.
Okay.
I'm in.
So, guys, I've been really bothered
by the way certain people are getting treated around here.
And I just think as an office, we're better than that.
Okay, now, I'm gonna show you a picture
of genitalia.

ANGELA: Andy.
What, 'cause he's black? Nope.
It's 'cause it's genitalia.
Perfectly normal genitalia, Tuna.
Now I'm gonna show you another picture
of perfectly normal genitalia.
Oh, my God!
Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see?
ANDY: Perfectly normal. Big deal.
Yeah, sure, it's got some herpes on it.
But you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.
No. In the beginning, we were not good.
Well, there was a bit of a learning curve
in the conversation department,
but between the sheets,
we were like Jordan and Pippen.
Well, if there was anything exciting about it,
it was because we both knew it was wrong.
Because we worked together.
No.
Okay, imagine there's a princess
who falls for a guy beneath her station,
and the queen doesn't like this at all.
And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it,
and so it makes her want to do it all the more
just to get at the queen.
Am I the princess? No, I'm the princess.
And the queen.
Okay. So I'm the guy at the station.
ASTRID: Mommy!
Assie! Oh!
How was school?
It was cool
What did you learn?
What did I learn?
You might have learned
Shapes, or blocks
Or clocks, or colors
Or you might have learned
That we're all sisters and brothers...
I have herpes.
What? You...
I used to think that she was "the one."
Or at least a "the one."
And if I called that one so wrong...



Herpes, like all STDs, is a consequence of sex.
Can anyone else name any other consequences?
It feels unbelievable.
Okay, I guess we can make a pros column.
"Feels..."
KEVIN: "Unbelievable."
Okay.
The ability to express love physically.
It's a magical thing.
ANDY: "Express love." "Magical."
It feels amazing.
Um... Okay, is that different from "feels unbelievable"?
Yes.
Then I will write it down.
The feeling of pure risk.
Creed, I had that in the cons column,
but... It's thrilling.
Okay. Then...
We'll move that.
"Thrill of risk."
Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex?
Yes! Thank you.
Such as...
Unplanned pregnancy.
Yes. Unplanned pregnancy.
Like Jim and Pam, what?
Hey.
Just admit that your baby was a mistake.
Whoa! Hey, our baby was not a mistake.
She was a surprise. Good.
I'm sure they don't regret having that child.
Let's move it to the pros.
BOTH: Thank you.
Okay. "Unplanned pregnancy," going in the pros column.
Next up is Helene.
You're gonna want to make a left on Willow,
which is a little ways away.
I'll remind you.
You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment.
She... Jan knows paper.
No, not paper. Relationships.
To have the ability to point out
if a man is making a bigger deal out of something
than is really there. Wait, what Holly said?
Yes! I don't... Forget it, Michael.
Today is about herpes.
I know.
Okay? Who gave it to you, who has it...
Right. And who is going to pay.
Okay.
To answer your question about Jan...
No, Jan is insane.
Why do you think I...
Left! Willow, now!
All right! God!
Hi, stranger.
Long time.
Who are you?
I'm Michael. We dated for a while.
I don't think so.
Michael?
Oh, hey!
Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk
while I talk to the real Helene?
Come on, old lady, let's go.
What is happening?
Come on.
Who can tell me the safest form of safe sex?
Condoms. Incorrect.
The only true form of safe sex...
Okay? Abstinence.
Oh! I didn't realize we were doing
trick questions.
What's the safest way to go skiing?
Don't ski.
DARRYL: Huh?
I just thought I'd bring it up
in case someone here was practicing abstinence.
That's all. Anybody?
Andy, that's way too personal of a question.
Well, someone could answer it if they wanted to.
Okay, in that case,
I will now show you how to put this condom on using...

...this pencil. Oh, God!
What?
Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar.
It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.
Come on, give it a rest, pencil .
I'm doing this for you, Meredith!
I didn't want it! Well, didn't you?
Why didn't...
Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?
MEREDITH: Whoa!
It'll go away in time. Just don't touch it.
Did I make more of what we had
than was really there?
What did you think we were?
Just a quirky indie movie,
weird sort of thing,
breaking all the rules, but had to end
because the summer was over for you.
I think that for you to have come here
even expecting
that we could have a conversation like this
shows how self-deluded you are.
Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.
Jerk.
Michael.
So, this is a chef's kitchen,
which makes it perfect for real entertainers.
Real entertainer, like Billy Joel.
Michael. Carole. How are you?
I'm great. How are you?
I'm great. I saw your sign outside,
and I decided I'm gonna pull in,
and maybe I'm going to buy a house from her.
You didn't call my office
and ask them where I was? No!
That's so...
'Cause the receptionist told me that a man called,
but he would only say that he was my ex-Iover.
Weird. Yeah.
Sounds like a nice guy.
I don't know, I mean, people were being really mean to Meredith and...
But this wasn't really about Meredith, was it?
You and Erin were broken up.
How is that relevant to anything?
I asked you if it was okay if I asked her out.
You said, and I quote,
"My good sir, nothing would make me happier
"than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand."
I specifically remembered it because you said it in such a weird way.
Well, the only reason I said that
is 'cause you asked me so politely,
and it was very difficult for me to say no.
I'll let this slide,
but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you.
Oh, wow! Another living room.
It's a family room.
You put the TV there. You put your family here.
Michael, why are you here?
Somebody told me
that I romanticize relationships.
You know, we all do that.
I have herpes.
What?
Did you have that while we were together?
I just found out today.
It's right there.
Oh! Oh! What, that's what you're talking about?
Mmm-hmm. I'm sorry.
Did you have a doctor check it out?
I'm between specialists right now.
Yes. Yes, Michael.
Actually, you do make a bigger deal out of things
than you need to.
You proposed to me on our fourth date.
Well, I believe in love at first sight.
Well, so do I,
but we didn't love each other at first, either.
I don't know what you were thinking.
I know what I was thinking at the time,
but right now, it just seems ridiculous.
DWIGHT: Excuse me.
Someone died in the upstairs bathroom, didn't they?
No.
We should schedule meetings,
'cause the days can slip away with chitchat.
Are you crying?
No, I'm just sweating.
I don't know what's got you upset,
but my advice is stop crying.
I'm not crying. I'm sweating.
Look, you need to pick yourself up.
Man up, all right?
Son, you will win this in the end.
It's all about heart
and character.
Be your best self.
Okay.
Yeah.
I have no idea what his problem is.
It's just my standard advice.
It's good advice, right?
This is Holly Flax.
I can't come to the phone right now,
but please leave a message
at the sound of the tiny truck backing up.

Hi, Holly, it's Michael.
I just wanted to call and let you know
that I was thinking about what you said.
It's just, you know,
it's weird. Today, I
ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date,
and in my mind, they were all great.
And then when I actually saw them,
it was mostly a freak show.
And you and me,
that must have been a real train wreck.
You know what?
Holly, you're wrong.
You are wrong.
I remember every second of us.
And talking to you today,
I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you.
It's...
I didn't joke with any of them.
I joked with you.
You were the only one
who was actually happy to hear from me.
And I don't know why you downgraded what we had,
but I did not make us up.
Okay.
Oh, and you might, you should talk to a doctor
because you might have herpes.
Bye.
What is this about? Oscar,
We once sucked face in public
as part of an office presentation
to destroy the stigma about gay kissing.
Do you recall? Yes, and...
You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.
What?
Herpes duplex.
It's probably just an ingrown mustache hair, but we have to be exhaustive.
I've already contacted all of my ex-Iovers except for you.
We were never lovers.
I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with.
I'm talking train stations, men's rooms...
Flower shops, fireworks celebrations...
Fence with a hole in it.
Moonlit gondola.
Carriage ride through Central Park.
The woods behind the liquor store.
The swamp behind the old folks' home.
MICHAEL: Electric car dealership.
DWIGHT: The Democratic Primary.
Oscar, think about... Think.