The Office (2005–2013): Season 7, Episode 3 - Andy's Play - full transcript

Andy?

Attend the tale Of Sweeney Todd
His skin was pale And his eye was odd
Yes.
He shaved the faces Of gentlemen
Who never thereafter Were heard of again
He trod a path That few have trod
Did Sweeney Todd
The demon barber Of Fleet Street
Did you write this? No.
Who did? Stephen Sondheim.
Who is he?
Swing your Razor wide, Sweeney
Hold it to the skies
Freely flows the blood Of those who moralize
What the hell is happening?
We are the cast of Sweeney Todd:
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.
We open in a couple of weeks
at the Loose Screw Playhouse, here in Scranton.
And today, just doing a wee bit of viral marketing, gov'nor!
ALL: Attend the tale Of Sweeney Todd

He served a dark and a vengeful God
He served a dark and a vengeful God

What happens then Well, that's the play
And he wouldn't Want us to give it away

Not Sweeney Todd
The demon barber of Fleet
Street
Wow!
Oh, that was amazing! That was awesome!
I auditioned for this! When did the cast list go up?
Like a month ago.
Really? They didn't call me!
Who am I playing?
Andy?

Two comps for milady and her Gabe. It's closing night.
Tomorrow we have to give the theater over
to the Scranton's Miss Fitness Pageant.
I am so excited, but I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry.
What? Yeah.
That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy.
Gabe is not coming, which is huge,
because my plan is to make Erin
fall back in love with me tonight.
Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes.
It's so powerful, even a lot of men
can't resist a man singing show tunes.
Oh, who else is going? Everyone.
Gabe seemed to think no one was going.
What kind of terrible rumormonger is Gabe?
He is woefully ill informed, all right?
Excuse me.

Everybody, you're all coming to my show tonight, right?
Andy, what time's it start?
8:00 p.m. Sharp.
How long is it? Hour and 45...
No, I can't make it.
They say that no one can take your pride,
but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine.
Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right?
Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry.
Dwight? No, thank you.
Last time I went to the theater,
a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.
It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight.
I can't, Andy. It's too hard.
That's...
I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that?
If it makes you feel any better,
no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part.
They had to bring in a ringer.
This guy's, like, world class. You should not feel bad.
I'm asking you, thespian to thespian,
will you please be the bigger man and come to my show?
I wish I could, Andy, but I can't.
I have plans that night.
I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd.
You're that friend. I'm going to see your play.

Nice!
And scene.
Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight.
Please, waste of time.
You know what? Let's just knock this out right now.
Disrobe.
Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore.
Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.
Give me the punch card. No.
If you want to punch the punch card,
you have to take me to the show.
That is not in the contract.
Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause.
Do you want to re-mediate?
All right, fine! I'll go to your little show.
But I'm not wearing a cape.
Thank you.
Dwight and I have a contractual agreement
to procreate five times, plain and simple.
And should he develop feelings for me?
Well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2,
so I would not object.
Hey. How are those salads?
It's my own fault...
My parents used to scramble to find babysitters
so they could take my little brother to do stuff.
I understand how hard it can be.
I just... Tonight, I mean, if you could...
We'll keep looking.
Yes! Really?
I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.
Oh, my gosh, that would be amazing.
Yeah. For a lot of reasons.
Yeah, I know. Niece!
Oh! Hey, guys.
You brought balloons to a play?
I did, because I am being the bigger man,
and balloons are bigger than flowers.
It's nice, like Up.
Yes.
Excuse me. Are you the guy that did an entire
Law & Order episode for his audition?
Nope.
Guys? ALL: Hey!
Andy! Hey!
You all made it. Thank you so much.
You should actually thank Erin.
She's the one who agreed to babysit.
She's babysitting?
I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented,
but I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever.
The 13- year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly.
It's almost like a babysitters' club.
I understand.
This is, like, a huge opportunity for her.
This is ridiculous.
You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons.
Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber.
No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor.
He doesn't daylight as your plumber.
No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio.
Apparently, the director discovered him doing karaoke.
It's his first play. He didn't even audition.
Are you kidding me? Shh.
If we don't listen to the overture,
we won't recognize the musical themes
when they come back later.
All right, I'm sorry.
God.
Attend the tale Of Sweeney Todd
His skin was pale And his eye was odd
He shaved the faces Of gentlemen
Who never thereafter Were heard of again
He trod a path That few have trod
Did Sweeney Todd
The demon barber Of Fleet Street

He kept a shop In London town
Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats.
What if none of Their souls were saved
They went to their Maker impeccably shaved
By Sweeney
By Sweeney Todd
The demon barber Of Fleet Street
I feel you
Johanna
I feel you
I was half convinced I waited
I work with that guy.
Satisfied enough To dream you
Happily I was mistaken
Johanna
Oh! There's gum on the seat, and now it's on my work skirt.
I have to go change.
Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.
Oh, Dwight, just move.
Do they think that walls can hide you?
His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.
I am in the dark beside you
What time is it?
Michael!
Shelby Thomas Weems, the director.
Hello.
I promise you that if you keep auditioning
with a similar gusto... Okay.
...we are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott.
Okay. Yes?
Yes. Good.
Good. Enjoy the second act.
You enjoy the second act. Have a refreshment.
Thank you. You, too.
Thank you, thank you.
Come on, Dwight.
Why are you dressed like a seed catalog model?
These are just my dirty old gardening clothes.
They were all that I had in my car.
Let's go.
Hey, Erin, it's Pam. Hey, how you doing...
No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet.
Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going.
Yeah? Yeah? It's good?
The play? The play is kind of great.
I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting.
No, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too.
Yeah. So thank you so much again. We're having a great time.
Oh, they're flashing the lights, so we should go in.
Thanks. Bye.
Okay, so we called, and everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
We can relax.
We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on.
Then I go Walking with you-hoo
You-hoo
I warm me bones On the esplanade
Have tea and scones With me gay young blade
Hey, Michael!
I'll knit a sweater While you write a letter
Unless we've Got better to do-hoo
Anything you say
Think how snug it'll be Underneath our flannel
When it's just you and me And the English Channel
In our cozy retreat Kept all neat and tidy
We'll have chums Over ev'ry Friday
By the sea
Anything you say
Don't you love the weather
Just checking my e-mails.
See if I got any last-minute "break-a-legs"
or "l-still-Iove-you" type texts.
Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall.
Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd,
the real terror comes from the vocal performances.
New paragraph.
Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her!
You found Johanna.
That monster of a judge has locked her...
üMUSICAL TONE PLAYING ON CELL PHONEä
Locked her away...
üMUSICAL TONE CONTINUES PLAYINGä
There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping.

How is that funny?
The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your bird.
üMUSICAL TONE CONTINUES PLAYINGä
Oh, for the love... Turn your phone off! There are signs!
Oh!
It appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time.
He's gone to sleep now. I closed his beak.

What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna?
üMUSICAL TONE PLAYS ON CELL PHONEä
You know what? Let me just double check.
Make sure that bird...
Okay, good. It's off.
I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it.
I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd!
See? It all connects.
Not that I know you're a murderer.
My character doesn't know that yet.
But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around.
And you spend time alone,
but you're a barber, so that's legit.
So there's that.
But...
Where is Johanna?
A madhouse. A madhouse?
Yes, a madhouse.
A madhouse?
Johanna is as good as rescued.
Where do you suppose all the wig makers
of London go to obtain their human hair?
Do you think...
So you think...
So you think... Fogg's Asylum, why not?



Sounds like Cece.
Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax.
Oh, my God. Go, go.
Oh, my God.

That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter.
I just didn't think you guys were gonna see us.
We were just gonna stop by and then get some ice cream
and then go home.
Okay, this was pretty simple. Right?
Why are you here?
All you had to do was play with her
for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed.
Then we were kind of hoping that you wouldn't touch her again.
Babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.
I'm sorry. I just... I really wanted to see Andy.
You guys made it sound so un-missable,
and you set me up with a car seat and everything.
Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital or...
But why would I take her to the hospital?
You know what, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Why don't I just take her home, and let you guys finish,
and then you should stay out as late as you want.
No, we're good. Thank you, though.
Yeah. Thanks.
Okay. All right, bye, Cece.
Okay. All right.
Well, we're never leaving the house again.
Not together.

That was more horrifying than Nunsense.
All that singing got in the way
of some perfectly good murders.
Where's my car?
Come on.
Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried.
I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.
Darryl?
Hey!
Didn't know you were gonna be here.
How's the toilet? Silent.
Look, congratulations. Thank you.
I had no idea. This plumber has pipes.
Yeah, good job. Well done.
You're the guy who booed me.
Mmm-mmm.
No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of them.
No, I saw you, and you were the only one.
Get your eyes checked, chucklehead.
Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people.
Good work. Thank you.
You didn't have to boo him.
He was getting a lot of applause,
and I just didn't think it was indicative
of how people were really feeling.
How would you like it if we booed you?
That would never happen.
Okay.
I appreciate the feedback.

I don't like that at all.
Are you ready?
Yes.
I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me!

Blood everywhere. Oh, no.
I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work.
Yeah, me, too.
Okay, I kill you now.
Okay.
All right.
All right, let's do this.
You know, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was,
and I'm exhausted.
It's okay, I smell.
No. No, no, no. I think I just want to go home,
but it's okay. This can count as one of your times.
No, no, no. Contractually, we're obligated to have sex.
Well, I won't tell if you don't.
I will tell. I will tell the mediator.
What... What are you... Oh, okay.
Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. Oh!
Good night, Dwight.
Good night.
These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house.
Lot of people think it would be the front row, but, actually, right here,
this is where the speakers converge
and the sound just, like, nails you right here.
This is awesome.
Oh.
Sorry. Oh. Oh.
Hi, Gabe.
Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone.
Sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want?
That's broth, Gabe.
Okay, I'll see you soup.
Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much.
This was so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play,
but next time, I'll be there.
Or here. Right here, I promise.
Awesome. Okay.
See you later.
Thank you.

It's like The Hurt Locker.
This night was a disaster.
No, it was not a disaster.
It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster.
I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish Cream.
Yeah? We could put that in orange juice.
Get it. Yeah?
Let's get our juice on. Yeah.

PHYLLIS: Found him.
Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues?
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Yeah, I get those every day after work.
Your show was really great, Andy.
Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off.
It was like amateur hour.
It was an amateur production, technically.
Oscar, enough with the sass, please! God! What is wrong with you?
Andy, listen to me.
Look me in the eye.
I thought that you were awesome.
Stop just saying that.
I am not just saying that.
You can trust that I am telling you the truth.
I booed someone tonight. I have no filter.
And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed.
And if I thought you had done a better job,
I would be saying nicer things right now.
But I thought that you were exactly awesome.
No better, no worse.
Thank you. That feels good.
I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it.
Total integrity.
DARRYL: Andy, sing us another song.
Thanks, but I feel like a Ioner right now.
Come on, Andy. You were the highlight.
Come on, Andy, seriously.
Andy! Andy!
ALL: Andy!
Andy! Andy!
Okay, all right.
I try to say goodbye And I choke
Try to walk away And I stumble
Though I try to hide it It's clear
My world crumbles When you are not here
I play it off but I'm dreaming of you
I keep my cool But I'm fiending
ALL: I try to say goodbye And I choke
Try to walk away And I stumble
Though I try to hide it It's clear
My world crumbles When you are not near
My world
It crumbles
When you are not here

In the criminal justice system,
the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups,
the police who investigate the crimes,
and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.
These are their stories.

I'm just a cleaning lady.
A dead body!
He wrapped his belt around his own neck.
It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation.
Yeah, looks like everybody's tightening their belts in this economy.
üHUMMING LAW & ORDER THEMEä
Last time you saw the victim, was he happy?
Last time I saw this John he was...
He wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talking about.
DIRECTOR: Thank you. No!
That was just part... I was just getting into the first act.