The Office (2005–2013): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Sting - full transcript

Look at that, huh? Nice!
I love cycling.
Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city.
I literally can't wait to wake up every morning.
Okay. She is a beaut.
Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that pedals itself.
Yes, it is.
Look at that, smooth roll.
Yeah. KEVIN: You got it!
Lance Armstrong's bike.
Yes!
His ass was on that seat? All right! KEVIN: Nice.
No, Meredith, it's not his actual bicycle.
But it is the same exact model he uses.
I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing,
so I feel really weird right now.
PAM: Michael! MICHAEL: Oh, God!
Yes, I can ride a bike.
I take spinning classes three times a month.
I think I know how to ride a bike.
Are you sure you once knew how to do this?
I did, yes!
I had those extra wheels on the back that support you.
Michael! Michael!
ALL: Michael! Michael!
Michael! Michael!
Michael! Michael!
Michael! Yeah!
All right! PAM: Yeah!
Just steer more now.
Oh, my God!
Not the car! No, no.

You never forget.

How do I look?
Amazing. How do I look?
Normal. Ugly.
Well, I do the best with what I've got.
Let's go. All right.
Wait, wait, wait, wait for me. It's weird if I come in slightly after.
We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select, Steve Nash.
He's not "the" Steve Nash. He's...
He's big, though. He's kind of like Scranton's Steve Nash.
Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think they'll understand?
It's condescending.
I'm not doing that. I'm just explaining.
And who is this "the" Steve Nash?
Phoenix Suns' point guard?
No. No? Nothing?
No, Mr. Jock Hipster.
Well, I'm neither of those things, so...
Oh ho.
Libby Dirketts got married.
Big, red mazel tov to the Libster.
Ooh.
It says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro
in a climbing accident.
It appears Dan's Sherpa survived
to tell the tale... Oh, my God!
What? Is Dan okay?
No, he died.
It's Broccoli Rob.
You know this guy. I showed you his picture on Facebook.
Yes.
"Some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96,
"in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song Calci-yum,
"featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio.
"Says Broccoli, 'Trey and I had a ton of fun in the studio,
"'and I think you can hear it in the song."'
Oh, that's great news for your friend.
Yeah. Yeah. It's great.
You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder.
I was the artsy musical one.
In Here Comes Treble, I had four solos, Broccoli Rob had three.
Right?

Go tell her we're here. You're good with receptionists. Ha.
Dwight.
Crap.
Danny Cordray is the worst.
Well, by worst, you mean the best.
The best salesman ever.
He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop,
steals more clients from Dunder Mifflin than anyone.
So the situation is the worst.
Also, he slept with Pam.
No, he didn't.
Tell them. Nothing happened.
We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again.
What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.
That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.
Yeah, I thought you started it.
No, I liked him.
For a couple of days.
Four years ago.
You know I have a kid with you, right?
Aah!
I'm gonna intimidate him. Okay?
Okay, great.
I'm just gonna watch. Watch this.
So anyway, she says, "That is the biggest penis I have ever seen."
And I said, "I know.
"That's why I brought you to the penis museum,
"where tickets are $1,000." Well, hello, Danny.
Hey, Dwight. Good to see you. Jim, hey.
How are you? I'm good.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm just here for the coffee.
Like hell you are. Dwight!
He's not just here for the coffee, Jim. Wake up.
Brainstorming session is now open.
Anyone has an idea... Hold on.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello?
Hey, it's Jim. Listen, this is important. Are you busy?
Oh, hey. No, I'm not busy. What's up?
You are busy! We're in a meeting! What?
It's Jim, okay? Yes.
Listen, you gotta get over here,
'cause we're pitching Steve Nash
and Danny Cordray's here.
You need the big guns, yes?
Yes. What'd he say?
What did he say? The big gun thing. Stop.
I will see you in 10. Bye! Hold tight.

Well, I know a lot of you thought
that my sales days were behind me.
And, to be honest, so did I.
And the only reason I got out of the sales game
was to be reluctantly called back in.
You don't look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager.
No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me?
PAM: You don't? No! Okay. All right.
Knockity-knock, Don't knock back
Just kidding, you can knock. It's your office. Do you have a minute?
I'm very busy with time-sensitive work.
Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you,
but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses
that you're entering points into weightwatchers. Com.
If you don't enter them immediately, you forget.
What?
I'm starting a band, and I need you on keyboards.
Nah!
I play for pleasure.
This is for pleasure.
Wouldn't enjoy that.
I'm willing to pay you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
How much? 60 bucks a session.
That's crazy money.
I'll take 40.
Yes!
There he is.
Oh, no, that's a male model.
No, that's him. That...
Hello.
Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Danny Cordray, Osprey Paper.
Nice to meet you.
Three of you guys for one sale?
Yeah, well... We call it overkill.
Why am I telling you my strategy?
Well, whatever works for you.
Anyway, all right. All right.
Good to see you guys. Nice to meet you.
Goodbye.
I could swear that guy was a male model.
He's ready for you.
Oh! Thank you.
All right. On the count of three, it's show time.
Ready, one, two... No, I'm not doing that.
I've been in show time mode since breakfast.
You're not? Okay, all right, just forget it then.
Show time! It's show time!
Never mind. Let's go.
When I knock on your door, you know who it is.
It's Michael Scott.
We've been together forever, and...
Michael, I appreciate everything
that Dunder Mifflin has done for this company.
You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock.
Are you not? All right, we're going to deliver to you on weekends.
That's very generous, but...
And you know what else we're gonna do?
I can't believe I'm gonna say this.
We are going to offer you our paper at cost.
I know.
I could get in a lot of trouble for this,
so you'd better shake my hand right now.
He's not kidding.
Shake it, shake it!
Michael, I'm going with Danny.
Oh.
Thanks for coming in.
Okay. Thank you.
Thank you.
Jim talked too much. No, I didn't.
Yes, you did. Stop it. Just stop it.
We did what we should have done. We just got bested.
Why is there a door close button
if it doesn't even close the door?
How do I feel about losing the sale?
It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement,
jumped in the pool, belly-flopped and drowned.
You know who we always lose out to?
Staples, the big guys...
Osprey? They're a small company. They're smaller than we are.
What's our excuse? How do we combat this guy?
Stanley, how do we combat him?
We sell better?
Okay. You know what?
You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave?
I would like to stay. This pertains to me.
Why don't you go outside
and take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay?
Why do you always assume I have diabetes?
I don't know. Your frame, your build.
Why don't you have a glass of apple juice
and tell me you're not a diabetic?
See? I could tell by the sound you made
when you stood up that you have...
Okay. Yes, Phyllis?
I could try to seduce him.
Oh, my God!
I know how we can learn his tricks.
What I'm about to show you is of the utmost secrecy.
Is that your office?
Yes, Jim.
And with a little tweaking, it becomes a different office.
We lure Danny to it and watch him sell. PHYLLIS: Oh.
I'm out of here. This is weird.
You know what this is? This is a stinger.
A what?
Like the movie.
I think you mean The Sting.
Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers?
Nope. Different movie. It's called The Stinger.
The Sting.
Your 2:00.
Thanks, hon.
Meredith was the perfect choice
to play the head of the company.
Her lunch break lined up with our appointment with Danny,
and... That's it.
That's really all we were looking for.
Danny Cordray. It's great to meet you.
Meredith Van Helsing. Pleased to meet you.
Meredith Van Helsing?
Van Helsing was a respected professor
before he was a vampire killer.
Okay. But what is he more famous for? Shh.
Hey! That's my mug.
You know this isn't real TV, right?
Yes.
Please, Mr. President
If you wanna Give hope a whirl
Bring our troops Home safe and sound
Says this little girl
Please, Mr. President
Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.
So, the song is from the point of view of a little girl?
Yeah. But you're singing it.
Yeah. But I'm using my falsetto.
No, that's not a good idea. I don't see it as a very good song.
Yeah, well, it'd sound a lot better
if you actually sang with some soul.
I never sing with soul. That's a lie.
I could sing it.
I just was hoping to maybe save your voice
in case we did a novelty song about frogs.
But my voice is unique. Like Bob Dylan.
Okay, three-way argument
between a drummer, a keyboardist,
and the front man, lead singer.
Wonder who's gonna win this one.
Two, three, four...
I'm gonna take off my coat, if you don't mind.
It's just a bit warm in here.
Hello!
No, no, no. Don't.
People can't keep their true natures hidden for long,
and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire.
Testify.
Okay, he's not that good-Iooking.
I don't understand why everybody's...
Yeah, he is that good-Iooking. Okay?
He's very, very handsome.
That's a great set of shoulders you got there.
What is that, genetics?
Creatine?

Sorry.
Yeah. Pull it together, all right?
Stop looking at him.
I'm sorry.
You're here to sell me some paper.
Well, actually, no, Miss Van Helsing, that's not why I'm here.
I'm here to meet you, see if we'd be a, you know, good fit.
What do you mean?
Oh, my God! He's making her sell to him.
Bring our troops Home safe and sound
Says this little girl
Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar.
That's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid.
But do you think it could be famous?
Like in a car commercial or something?
Not really.
It's kind of weird that a grown man is singing
from the point of view of a little girl. Mmm-hmm.
I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it,
you know, like in the Olympics.
I don't think they usually skate to such bad songs.
Rude. And not helpful.
Well, I really, really, really liked it.
Well, that really bums me out.
You're welcome.
Well, you should think of this as a first date.
And I think it's going very well. How about you?
Real well.
Uh...
Feels more like a third date to me.
There you go!
Stay... Shut up and let me do this!
You know, what is with this desk keeping us so far apart?
I've never been a desk man.
Always traveling on the road. Come on... Why not? Uh?
Well, we'll get this...
Oh, man. So, what's your drink?
You a vodka man? Me, too.
We gotta get someone else in there right now.
You're an exec at Pennsylvania Solartech.
That sounds fake.
What do you mean? I told you.
You're an exec at Stark Industries,
a corporation you inherited from your father.
Will you stop? Here's the story.
They need Meredith somewhere else ASAP, okay?
Okay. So you're taking over.
You just gotta get her out of there as soon as you can.
I can do that. Then what?
Then make him pitch to you.
You gotta see what he's got. Yes.
Exactly. You can do this. Okay, and remember.
You're not gay.
Stop it. It's gonna be great.
Listen, if anything else happens, just roll with it.
Meredith, I...
Manuel.
This is Manuel, my cleaning man. He doesn't speak any English.

Manuel, cleano el window.
Give me the...
Who else we got?
Okay. You're a young hotshot from Stark Industries.
You've just bought this company. Meredith is fired.
It's a whole new regime. He's gotta pitch to you now.
Okay, Stark Industries isn't real.
I run Google.
Larry and Sergey brought me... Great. Sounds awesome.
Just have him pitch to you. Don't let us down.
Will do. Won't do.
Yeah, sure.
You smell like a Scorpio.
This is Esteban, another cleaning man.
He doesn't speak English either.
Esteban, el flooro.
You know what? I may have parked my car in a compact space,
and I hate when I see others do that, so...
Danny, I feel a real connection to you,
and I got to get real.
JIM: No. No, no, no.
MICHAEL: No, no, no, no, no!
I'm going in! I'm going in! Michael!
No, Michael, stop it! No!
Stop, stop! Oh, my God!
Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Gross! Stop it, please. Everybody stop.
Michael Scott.
I said stop.
Okay, Danny,
this is not Pennsylvania Solartech.
This is Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
This is Meredith Palmer.
Pleased to meet you. Don't... Stay away from him.
Please, just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever.
Hmm.
I owe you a most sincere and humble apology.
We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique
so we could stop losing so many clients to you.
Watch from where?
A surveillance room next to this one.
Okay, so you set up this fake company,
then you hired this homeless woman to impersonate an executive,
to spy on me so that you could copy my sales technique.
Yes. And it's the sincerest form of flattery.
Or crazy.
Well... I'm gonna go.
Okay. You know what, it wasn't just me.
Jim and Dwight are behind that wall
in the surveillance room, and it was their plan, as well.
No! No, no, no, no.
Well, then, yeah. All right, hey!
Good luck, guys!
Seems like you got a great operation here.
No, we don't. Here's... Here's my point.
Danny, listen, you have to understand
that we are not normally like this.
We just... We wanted to know your tricks.
What do you mean, tricks? There's no tricks, man.
I'm just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can't copy that!
You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop.
You are a good salesman.
And because of that
I want you to work for me.
Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy.
So you will. No!
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold on.
Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.
Danny, I want you to look at me.
Do you want your life to be better
or to be worse or to stay the same?
Get out of my way. Answer the question.
Do you want a better life, Danny?
I swear to God, I'm gonna hit you.
I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm not...
It's just, I'm very upset right now. I know.
I'm very upset! I know, I know.
Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same?
More freedom. I can give you more money.
There's your better life.
I can let you come and go as you please.
There's your freedom.
And you already know Dunder Mifflin
has the best service and the best prices.
But you beat us anyway.
Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff?
Everyone, may I have your attention?
I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray.
He's going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman.
Say hello to Danny!
me.
Okay. You know what?
No. No.
This is not some sort of construction site, or all of Italy
where you can just go around treating people like meat.
We are to respect him.
I respect him because he reminds me of somebody.
Can anybody guess who that is?
Josh Duhamel.
Yeah, I can see that!
No. No. No. Somebody in this office.
He's like a better-Iooking Andy.
Thanks, Kevin.
No. Me. Right?
Sort of like a little, younger version of me.
It's hard to judge ourselves accurately, isn't it?
Michael. Yes.
Can I talk to you about something? No, you may not.
It's about this very announcement you just made.
I said no. Michael...
Michael, I think you really want to talk to him.
Okay, let's... All right, all right. Let's talk.
Please don't let him leave. Don't leave.
Got you.
You hired him?
Guys, let me ask you something.
Do you want your life to be better or worse or stay the same?
ALL: Stay the same.
Okay. Well, get ready, 'cause it's gonna get better.
It's not gonna get better. He's gonna steal all of our clients.
No. No. Wrong.
He would have stolen your clients,
but you know what? He can't now.
This guy used to steal sales from us.
Now he's going to steal sales for us.
Where's he gonna sit? There's no more seats.
He doesn't need to sit. He's a traveling salesman.
Look, I am not going to exclude good people from our staff
simply because they are threatening to you.
And unless you have a better argument than that,
I suggest you leave.
Yeah.
Where's he gonna park? There's no more reserved parking spots.
Goodbye!
Songs about truth. Yeah.
What's something you really care about?
Reverse snobbery.
More universal.
Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by.
Couldn't get Out of bed today
Wish the alarm clock Would go away
Nice!
Holy crap. Are you kidding me?
You just made that... That's amazing.
Go ahead.
Which me am I Gonna be today?
Which me am I Gonna be today?
I got a closet full of mes Ha ha!
Am I gonna be the happy me?
Or the me that stinks?
Oh, my gosh. We're almost out of time.
How much for another half hour?
Don't worry about it.
Wait. Seriously? Yeah.
So we're just, like, jamming as friends?
One, two, three, hit it.
Closet full of mes...
Oh, you know, funny, your wife and I went on a few dates.
Did you? Yeah, way, way, way back.
I'm just kidding. She told me about it.
Good. She was not into me.
Oh. Obviously.
I don't even think she called me back.
You snubbed her. Dwight, please.
Let me handle this, Jim. Drop the act, Cordray. Okay?
We all know that you probably thought
that Pam was too "meh" or thin without being toned.
But I wanna tell you something.
She is one of the plain, hearty women of Scranton
that make this city great.
And so what if she doesn't wear makeup?
I wear makeup.
We like her better that way! And you steal clients, don't you?
Don't you?
Okay, that's different.
"That's different," is it?
Okay, thief.
You better check your things, people. In fact, where are my keys?
Oh. They're in my pocket. False alarm.
Okay.
So you're gonna be working here.
Uh...
I mean... Yeah.
Welcome aboard.
Thank you.
Hey, crazy. Um...
So, that's it? You're just... You're fine?
It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home.
Pleasure.
Thanks.
This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do?
I go out and I steal Danny Cordray.
The sale that mattered, I made. Boom.
Funny thing about it, we don't even need him.
We already have Packer on the road.

Crap. I forgot about Packer.

Star's in her eyes, tongue full of flies
Would you like to share my pad?
Croak, croak, croak, Bullfrog in love
Croak, croak, croak, Bullfrog in love
And I gave her the croak
That meant I love you
I'll be your croak monsieur
I'll be your croak madame
Your mama might've said That bullfrogs are dogs
But I'm here to Tell you that I'm a frog
Come and sit on my log, You little pollywog
I find you absolutely ribbitting!
Croak, croak, croak, Bullfrog in love
Croak, croak, croak, Bullfrog in love
Croak Ribbit
Scoopty splash
Nice.