The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 8 - Koi Pond - full transcript

And then, I think I'm going
to go to the garlic festival.

Wow. Sounds like fun.
You guys would love it.

No, we wouldn't.
They have a TCBY booth.

Cool. Same stuff you get downtown.

Do you like TCBY?
Who doesn't?

"I can't believe it's
yogurt." It'll be fun.

I confirmed with Raskin Design and they're
expecting the both of you in an hour.

Oh, actually, it's just going to be me.

They said
the both of you.

That's a mistake.

You should give them
a call, check that out.



All right,
just clear this up.

Well, there's actually been
a few changes in the company,

and Michael and I are
actually at the same level.

So, I can... No.

No, why would
that be a problem?

Jim's a good kid,
he can handle a lot,

but sometimes you
have to call in a master.

Why would you date an amateur
when you could date a professional?

Great. See you then.

What?

They said that they would feel
more comfortable if you came along.

Why don't they just want
you to go by yourself?

Why do they want me to come,
too? I don't understand.

I absolutely don't
understand, either.



I don't want you to feel like
I'm babysitting you or something.

All right.
All right.

Let me go get your stroller.

Sure.
Michael's a good teacher.

A teacher is someone who stands

right next to you
your whole life

and never lets
you do anything.

That's what
a teacher is, right?

What are you going to call him? Dave.

No. What is his name? Dave.

Mr. Borchard.
They're very formal.

Yeah. I've spoken
to them on the phone.

Yeah, well,
this is not the phone.

This is real life, baby,
and you got to own it.

Is that what
you are wearing?

Yes, it is.

And that is the watch
that you are going to wear?

No, it is not. You
should wear this watch.

I will loan it to you.

It is a Tankard. I highly
recommend you wear that.

No, thanks.
They are into style.

Mmm-hmm.

They are into appearance.
We are selling success.

And paper.
That's sort of secondary.

Nope. No.

He's trying to
micro co-manage me.

Or co-micromanage me.

Here we are outside of
the Wilkes-Barre... W.B.

...lndustrial Park.
Industrial P.

Making cold calls.

The two people
with the lowest sales

in the quarter
have to do them.

Palpabon
Drilling, where are you

Dean Trophies,
suite 100

Sherman Blinds & Rugs,
suite 202

Here it is.

Palpabon Drilling

Suite 401.

Yeah, I was going
to sing that part.

I know. Now you
don't have to.

Well, except it was going
to resolve the melody,

so now my head hurts.

It feels like
I held in a sneeze.

I hate this feeling.

Suite 401

All right.

Hi. Any messages?

You're soaking wet.

Oh, well, Jim and I
got caught in a little

flash rain, flash winds,
flash lightning.

Wow. Sounds scary.

It was. It was. And then
in an instant, it wasn't.

Why isn't Jim wet?

I outran it.

I don't think it rained.
My hip would be throbbing.

It rained. Michael,
can I get you something?

A towel, some cocoa?

Nothing. Cocoa.

I'll just leave that
suit in your office, then?

Good, yeah.

Must be nice to have
company on these cold calls.

We're kind of
a dynamic duo.

Or trio.

How exciting! Do you
guys know the sex yet?

Oh, no, no.

We're not together. No,
no, no. Definitely not.

Definitely not. No,
we just work together.

Looks like somebody's got
a case of the definitelys.

Michael, the custodian from
Raskin Design is on the line.

He said they found your
keys in the koi pond.

Okay, thank you.

Did you say
koi pond?

Yeah? Michael, people
are asking questions.

Okay. Put them on speaker.

Hey, guys,
what's going on?

Hey, Michael, did you
fall into a koi pond?

I can't really hear you. I think
we have sort of a bad connection.

Jim, did Michael
fall into a koi pond?

It's like Michael said.
It was something else.

Okay, this is what it was.
It was these bunch of idiots

that had put a fish tank in the
ground with no cover and no railing.

So you fell in?
No.

Maybe I was trying to save
a child that had fallen in.

So a child
had fallen in?

Not yet.

That is hilarious.

No. Don't. I'm not going to
bump. I'm not going to bump.

And it was not hilarious.
It was very, very terrifying.

Truthfully, it wasn't
the way he fell in.

It was how long it
took him to get out.

And we'd like to offer you
15% off your first purchase

as our way of welcoming
you to the area.

Well, that sounds
like a really nice deal.

Sha-bow!

And I must say that since
we are a family business,

it's nice to see
that you are, too.

Oh!

Wow. You thought that...

Oh, my gosh.
Definitely not.

My mistake.
I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Nah, actually,
it's kind of not okay.

I date models.
Face models.

My girlfriend, on a
scale of one-to-Gisele,

a nine.

That's good for you.

Anyway, we also have a
special on envelopes...

Pam's carrying
our surrogate

because my girlfriend needed to
keep her figure for Fashion Week.

So, we put
our baby in Pam.

It doesn't matter
what Pam looks like.

Yeah.

You were way meaner
to me than I was to you.

No, I wasn't, okay?

The very idea of us together
made you burst out laughing

like you just bit into an Adam
Sandler and jelly sandwich.

You blew the sale,
you idiot!

Let me tell you something.

I was never going
to make that sale.

Erin, do we have any of those
clips that hold paper together?

Staples?

David Wallace called.

Oh, he did?
What did he say?

He heard you made a big
splash at the meeting.

Oh, my God, that was so mean what
I just said, and I didn't mean it.

It was Kevin and Meredith
who put me up to it.

Okay.

I'm going to kill you.

Michael, don't
listen to them.

Thank you, Stanley.

You just ignore
their carping.

Okay.

Michael?
Yes.

A carp is both a fish
and a term for complaining.

They're mocking you
with word play.

Hey, boss,
did you find Nemo?

I can name
Pixar movies, too.

Toy Story.
Don't you mean Koi Story?

And when you fell in,
did you flounder?

Michael, flounder is
both a kind of a fish...

I know what a flounder is.

Hey, Michael.
No! No!

No more! That is it!

Everybody in the
conference room, right now!

I'm not usually
the butt of the joke.

I'm usually
the face of the joke.

I wish Jim had fallen
into that pond.

Then he'd have
to put on my suit,

and it would be too
short, and he'd look...

Damn it,
he'd still look good.

The most fundamental thing
about sensitivity training

is that you cannot make fun of a
person for something or some action

that they have done
that they regret.

You can only make fun of things
that they have control over.

Like, Oscar is gay.
That is his choice.

We can make fun of that. I did
not choose to fall into a koi pond.

Michael, you still
can't make fun of people

for race or gender or sexual
orientation or religion...

Who let the lemonhead
into the room?

You are a waste of life
and you should give up.

Is what I want to say
but I won't,

because that is why we
are doing this right now.

So, Toby, welcome to sensitivity
training for real. Show of hands.

Who here has
been koi-ponded?

Who here has been the butt of
a joke that has gone too far?

Phyllis. Michael, you
make fun of us every day.

Yeah. Every single day.

You never said anything.

We have. Countless times.

Well, it is hard to tell the
difference between you guys saying,

"Stop, because
I want you to stop,"

or stop as in, "Stop, you're
making me laugh so hard.

"What you're doing is so
funny. You're on a roll.

"I am busting
a gut. Stop!"

That's never
been the case.

We are going to make

a Do Not Mock list.

Okay? Anything that we think might
be out of bounds, we put on this list.

Anything you put on this list,
you cannot be teased about.

Got it?

I'm going to kick it off.

Let's see what I have
to put on the list, right?

Okay.

I also have fallen into the
fountain at the Steamtown Mall.

You fell into
a second fountain?

Can you kick me
out of the meeting now?

Go. Go.

Starting today, teasing
will no longer be tolerated.

You mean there's
no teasing of any kind?

No, no, no, just things that are on
the list. That is the beauty of it.

Okay, who else? Who
else? Dwight, come on.

I don't want people
making fun of my nose.

Your nose?

It's too small.

The geometric proportions of my face
are perfect in every way but one.

My nose is too small.

I mean, it still works.
I can smell things.

I just have to be a lot
closer than most people.

Oh, my.
That is small.

Just write it
down, please.

Can you
breathe okay?

What keeps your
glasses on?

Hey, it's on the list,
everybody.

No, I haven't
finished writing.

Did you sneeze it off?
That's it. No more. Okay.

Who else, who else? Everybody's
going to get their chance.

I don't want people
making fun of my weight.

Okay, that's too broad. It's
got to be something else.

How about your
stomach? Yeah?

Who else? I'm very sensitive
about my petite figure.

Oh, God.

I am. I'm afraid of being
thrown around like a football.

Well, you know, Nicole Richie
might think that you are fat.

Does that make
you feel better?

Meredith?

I don't want to
say it out loud.

Okay, fine. Come on up
here, write it yourself.

And don't sign your name
to it, and nobody look.

Everybody,
look away, look away.

Well, I really didn't want
to put it on the board,

but I thought maybe it was
going to come out somehow.

So, what are you
going to do?

Okay.

Some of you
may have noticed

I'm in that kind of ill-defined
relationship type of thing.

Okay, what do you
want me to write?

Just put Kelly.
Aw!

That still going on?

I will claw
your tiny nose off.

It's on the list.

Creed, your turn.

If I write it down,
I can't be charged with it.

No one said that.

That is our sales pitch,
and we are sticking to it.

Well, you two are quite the
salesmen, and a very cute couple.

Well, it's...
Oh...

Thank you.
Thank you.

Some couples don't seem like
a good match, but you two do.

Well, you know.

Yeah, you know,
two peas in a pod.

We complete
each other.

What can I say?
She loves to cook...

He loves to eat.

I love to dance...

I love to watch
him dance.

Yeah, right. Sometimes I'll just
dance for hours in the living room.

And I'll watch him.

And a baby on the way?
You must be so excited.

Mmm.
Yes.

Yeah, we are thrilled.
Mmm-hmm.

In fact, we spent
the whole weekend

researching various
birthing coaches.

Wasn't that
fun, honey?

It was, sweetie.
Yeah.

Oh, I know the best teacher.
Her name is Miss Janet.

Yeah, on Clearview Avenue.

Yeah!

Yeah.

This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some
people say that I eat like a squirrel.

So now you're comparing
yourself to a cute, tiny animal?

Michael?
Hmm?

The custodian called again.
Apparently a koi has died.

Oh, man!

It's a fish.

They want you
to pay for it.

It could have died of
natural causes, though.

Well, they said you stepped
on its head. He did not suffer.

When is the funeral?

Do not mock, Oscar.
Do not mock.

How much do they want?
$300.

What? No. I could get a
fish for a five-cent worm.

You're paying way too much for
worms, man. Who's your worm guy?

Okay, great meeting,
everybody. That's it. No, no.

Thank you. No, we are
not done here. This...

One of the baby
books suggests

the best birthing posture is
on all fours, like an animal.

I just wish I had
a special telephone

so I could find out exactly
what the little soybean wants.

Right? Hey, little
soybean. What do you want?

Right? How do...

I felt it kick.
Oh, that's great!

Oh, my gosh, like a little
magical foot just high-fived me.

Yeah, well,
that'll happen.

Oh, my gosh.

It's like he's trying to say,
"I love you, too, Daddy.

"I love you, too."

Sometimes we're so excited,
we forget where we are.

Like at a business meeting.

Message received,
little soybean.

I think you just got to
ride this one out, man.

No, Jim, you don't understand.

Things like this
just don't die.

Kids in high school still call
me "Ponytail." No, they don't.

Yes, they do, Jim.
Because of the time

I got my ponytail
stuck in the power drill.

Maybe if you make fun of
yourself, it'll all go away.

I want to make fun
of you right now.

Really? Do it. I am a
big, stupid goofball.

No, don't do that.
You're not stupid.

See?

Oh, my God.

Hey, I just want to say
that I cannot believe

that I walked
into a koi pond.

I mean, seriously,
walk much?

Oh!

I should wear a snorkel to the
next business meeting that I go to.

Michael, you know, when you think
about it, it's not all your fault.

I mean, who puts
a koi pond in a lobby?

Well,
you know what?

You're right, Phyllis,
but I've been there before.

I've seen that pond.
This is the thing,

I am a world-class moron,
is the problem.

Michael, please stop it now.
You're embarrassing yourself.

It's okay.
We're having fun.

It's actually not the first time
I've been embarrassed by a pond.

In high school,

the girls volleyball team always
used to throw me into the frozen lake.

Four years in a row.

It was freezing! No, no,
no. This is even worse.

Couple of weeks ago, I
went to get a new cell phone

and I wanted one
of those packages

where you have
the five, you know,

the friends
and family thing?

And the guy was like, "Who
are your five friends?"

And I'm like...
I didn't even know.

I couldn't even think. Oh, my
God, it was so embarrassing.

That was so...

I don't even have Jan's cell
phone number, and I hate her.

She won't give it to me. I was
like, "I guess I'm a loser."

A loser!

Too far! God!

Thanks a lot, man.
Thanks for the advice.

Enjoying your nut?

Why?
- Kevin.

I'm not mocking.

I was just making an
observation about her nut.

I was.

Hey, who wants to watch
Michael's pond dive?

My roommate's friend is the
night janitor over there.

He swiped the security tape for
me, and he's bringing it over.

Mmm. You know what? Maybe we
should go easy on Michael, guys.

You know,
you watch that tape,

and you're going to have to stay late
for more sensitivity training, so.

We'll stay late.
Yeah.

You are not a joke.

I am.

You are smart.

Jim is smarter than me.

You are handsome.
Jim is more handsome.

No, Jim is ugly. Please. I mean, I'd
give anything for his nose. It's true.

The rest of him, God,
he looks like Popeye's wife.

Wow, Wilma.

See, that is funny.
That is a joke.

I know jokes
and you are not a joke.

Her name's not Wilma.

Stop making me laugh.

Well, that went
pretty well.

Yeah, I guess.

We got a maybe.
It was our first maybe.

Going by the Nard-Dog curve,
I'd say we nailed it.

If I'm being
completely honest,

I could have done
without the belly kiss.

You know what?
I'm sorry,

'cause in that moment, I knew I
was kissing your belly too much.

Yeah, way too much.
Yeah.

I mean, what the hell was that?

What the heck was that?

When you cried.

Try "almost cried." Okay?

I just got caught
up in the fantasy.

Your fantasy involves comparison
shopping birthing classes?

No. I know I'm going
to go with Miss Janet.

I just... I don't know, it
was fun to role-play, right?

Hmm.

It was fun for me, having
a wife and a little baby.

I'm so sick of
being single.

Well, are you
dating anyone?

What do you think of Erin?
I mean, she's kind of cool.

You think
I can do better?

Got to get my
going out on.

Hey, let's watch
this thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
okay, yeah.

We're not watching this.

How can we
not watch this?

What happened
to "Do not mock"?

We're not mocking,
we're watching.

That will inevitably
lead to mocking, so.

Well, we'll
deal with it as it comes.

Is this the tape
of me falling?

Yes, put the DVD in.
Yep.

Open up QuickTime.
It starts on its own.

No, use QuickTime,
trust me, I've done this.

Guys, Michael
can't handle this.

And as your boss, I'm
saying, we're not watching it.

No, it's okay, watch it.
He can't fire all of you.

What are you doing?

It's all right.
I can handle it.

No.
I am a grownup, Jim.

It's on.

There they come.

Boom!

Oh! Did you see that? See what?

Wait, why did
you stop it?

Oscar, yes, you're right to stop it.

Thank you, eject it.

Jim, you let
Michael fall in.

Play it again.

He purposefully
leaned away and let you fall.

Oh, man!

I think when I started to see
you go in, I think I just froze.

I don't think
you froze.

It's a killer
new dance move.

Do you want
to talk in your office?

No.

I didn't ask you.
Would you like to talk?

Judas.

Jim is my enemy,
but it turns out

that Jim is also
his own worst enemy.

And the enemy of my enemy is my
friend, so Jim is actually my friend.

But, because he is
his own worst enemy,

the enemy of my
friend is my enemy,

so actually
Jim is my enemy.

But...

I should have
grabbed you. I'm sorry.

Look, I thought I could have
done today's sales call alone.

I mean, I may never be as
good a salesman as you are,

but I at least need
the chance to do the job.

Jim is jealous of me?

Jim is jealous of me.

Hey, what's up,
lifeguard?

Jim, I think
I'm in your way.

Oscar's a douche.

He's all right.
No.

He's... Yeah,
he's all right.

Okay.

Thanks, Michael.
You're welcome.

Whoa! Almost fell.

Hey, Erin, do you mind
faxing this for me? Oh, sure.

Wait, hand them
to me upside down,

so I don't accidentally read them.

Okay.
Thanks.

Mmm-hmm.

How did today go, by the way?
Did you make any sales?

No, it was a total
waste of time.

It was fun, though,

because I got
to spend the day

with Andy Bernard
and he's really cool.

Yeah, he is.

Yeah, he is.

He's like the coolest
person I've ever met.

That's right.

He's like Marlon Brando.

Oh, do you mean Marlon
Wayans? 'Cause he is.

I actually do mean
Marlon Wayans. Yeah.