The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Lover - full transcript

They're back!
Oh, yeah!
Woo-hoo! - Jim and Pam!
How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic? JIM: It was.
It really was.
Really was.
I'm so happy for you.
Puerto Rico was awesome.
Oh, my gosh. The honeymoon was great.
We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny.
We hung out with them a lot.
Frank and Beans. Always makes her laugh.
Frank and Beans.
Is there someone there? Who's there?
I hear voices. Is somebody there?
Yeah!
Is someone here? I can't see you because I'm blind.
It's Jim and Pam, Michael.
- It is? - Yeah.
They're back?
Pam. Nope.
And, oh, Jim.
Hi, Michael.
I haven't seen you since my accident that I had when I fell...
I fell into the pool of acid, eyes-first.
Blind guy.
Blind Guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it?
It is a character I've been workshopping,
whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble.
The women in my improv class absolutely hate him.
So, what'd you bring us?
Some candy.
What else?
That's it.
Oh, because you spent so much on the wedding.
It's good to be home.
This conversation has two items on the agenda.
Did we have a conversation scheduled?
Number one, do not leave your things on my desk.
It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you.
I don't care how high they promote you.
Which brings me to item number two.
I never formally congratulated you on your promotion,
so I'd just like to say congratulations.
Wow. That's really thoughtful of you, Dwight. Thank you.
You're welcome.
I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard.
Now I can observe Jim, track Jim, and destroy Jim.
Just like in the Bavarian fairytale.
Only this time the mallard skins the toad alive.
And, of course, in this version,
you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing.
I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years.
It's a real handsome duck.
Mallard.
Okay, I'll get out of your hair.
Hey. Hey.
We brought back some Puerto Rican candy.
Coco-Leche. That's my favorite. Awesome.
I'll leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it.
Oh, let me just check with Michael first.
I think it'll be okay.
I think it will, too, but I'll just check with him, though.
Great.
Oops. Sorry. Oops!
I have recently taken a lover.
Well, that's great. Congratulations.
Who's the lucky lady?
Pam's mom.
What? Pam's mom, Helene.
Remember, from your wedding?
You're messing with me. About what?
You did not have sex with Pam's mom.
Oh, big time.
What kind of car does she drive?
She drives a green Camry,
And the seats go all the way down.
All the way down.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What?
Okay, never tell Pam, and then, secondly...
Good. A pact. A pact.
Although, I may have to break it tonight,
when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner.
You all right?
Oh, my God.
Hey, Jim... Not now, Toby. My God!
Jesus. Get the hell out of here, idiot!
What did I do?
Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that,
and please, for both of our sakes,
never, ever, ever see her again.
I think you're underestimating Pam.
I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy.
No. Not more than anything.
Okay. I...
I have a good thing with the mom. Don't call her "the mom."
She's right on my way home from work.
Then take a different way home, man!
All right, I'll take surface streets.
The last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam.
Okay. So, we're good.
Yeah.
Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?
Sure. Is it okay if I put out some candy
that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico?
Sure. Thanks for asking.
Pam, we're all set.
Yum.
Frank and Beans!
Frank and Beans!
So, what'd we decide for Michael?
The bottle of rum or the seashell alarm clock?
You know what, can I have the weekend to decide?
Bottle of rum it is.
All right, shall we? You know what?
I am really slammed trying to catch up on everything here,
and I know that Michael's slammed, too,
so maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy.
Come on, it'll take two seconds.
No, it...
Oh, wow.
That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican.
Michael, you're all set at Botticelli's.
I changed the reservation to two people.
Erin, look.
Fun. - Yeah.
Wow, Botticelli's. That sounds like a special occasion.
Yeah, no, it's nobody.
I don't know. I think Michael has a date.
No. Yeah, I think you have a date.
I don't, I don't. Come on.
Ah, I think we should just drop it.
Because obviously he doesn't want to talk about it.
I don't deserve this, guys. - Yes, you do.
No, I don't. Just take the parrot.
Okay, back to the old grind.
I was probably going to break up with her anyway.
Oh! That's too bad. Don't.
Pam, it is very complicated.
There are a lot of moving parts here.
Sounds complicated.
Yeah, but, I mean, if you really like this person,
then you should see where it goes.
You want me to be happy?
Of course.
Part of the problem is she's the mother of a close friend of mine.
Oh.
More than a friend. A coworker.
Oh, gossip. Who is it?
Who is it?
Who is it, Michael?
Who?
It's okay.
No, no, no, no, no.
No. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
No!
That could have gone one of two ways,
but I never expected her to get upset.
You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?
Okay.
There's an egg on your head And the yolk is running down
The yolk is running down
Feels good.
There's a knife in your back And the blood is gushing down
Sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes dinner.
The blood is gushing down The blood is gushing down
You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up
that you were into dating mothers.
I would have introduced you to mine.
How could you do this to me? He's my boss.
How many times have I complained about him to you?
No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!
Who wants a hot chocolate?
Thank you.
So, Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift.
I found a recording device in it.
Yes. So, I think if I play it just right,
I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother, too, now.
Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.
Andy, can I talk to you for a second?
Sure thing, Tuna boss.
How may I be of service to you?
I am going to need your advice.
I was thinking of getting this opera for Dwight's birthday.
What do you think?
This aria is a joke. Really?
What are you thinking?
I was going to go with this one.
Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all,
you will get him something better.
Nard-Dog, what was that all about?
I know, right?
What were you guys talking about in there?
Trust me, it would only make you mad.
Due to a certain recent incident,
corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas
as to how we can better communicate with our communities.
Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions
in our Peruvian paper mill?
That was a hit job.
If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release, it clearly states
that they had absolutely nothing to do
with that particular cancer cluster.
So, if there is a lesson to be learned here,
and I'm not sure that there is,
it is that in order to help our communities,
we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own.
And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate
to the restaurant of his or her choice.
Yeah. - Good, good.
Okay, who wants to help the world one step at a time?
All right, good.
Volunteerism is important.
Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter,
and they need a lot of help down there.
Last Sunday, I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself.
All right, that's...
Paint a mural of Chicano leaders. All right.
I have a way to make Scranton a better place. You could leave it.
Okay, I'm out of here. See you later, guys.
And stay out. Bye-bye.
Okay. Oh, no, here's an idea. Conservation.
I love it, conservation.
Let's start by conserving our time
and stop having these stupid meetings.
No more meetings! No more meetings!
No more meetings! No more meetings!
Anybody else? Who else has an idea?
I have some ideas about conservation. JIM: Yes.
Angela. Thank you.
Please. Can you hold down the fort?
Hey, boo. ANGELA: Well, first of all, I think that we could...
Why are you crying?
Yes, I think we should look into that.
If you could just speak up louder.
Well, for our profit and loss... MICHAEL: No, no.
No, I'll talk to her. I will. No, nobody talks to my baby that way. Uh-uh.
Yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. All right. Bye, pickle.
- Who's pickle? - Who's pickle?
Pamela Morgan Beesly.
You need to apologize to your mother right now.
I'm sorry, I was told I had the floor. Yes.
Hold on, hold on. What's going on?
Nothing.
Nothing at all. It's all good.
I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes me an apology.
For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Don't call my mother your lover.
Oh, yes! That's what I'm talking about.
That is not okay, dude.
All right, in my defense...
Disgusting. That's messed up, man.
Yes, thank you. Welcome to my personal hell.
You have no sense of boundaries, Michael. Shut up, Oscar.
Hey, all right, you know what? Clearly, I'm outnumbered here.
But can I just say one thing? Please?
What is so wrong about me?
I'm caring, I'm generous.
I'm sensual.
Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness?
Good luck, Michael. I hope you find what you're looking for.
Maybe you're right. Who are we to...
Shut up, Oscar!
What is wrong with all of you?
He is sleeping with my mother!
I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on.
Let's get back to the matter at hand.
Whatever, you know.
Sleep with my mom, just sleep with everybody's mom.
No, no, no, no, no... No.
This is not... RYAN: Whoa! That's my mom you're talking about.
I don't like the tone here.
This is a place of business. You are to listen to others,
you are to give others respect,
and you are to keep your personal issues out of it.
Oh, my God! You are ridiculous!
Do not talk to me that way!
I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out.
You are never going to be my father. You get out.
I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am.
Me, too.
Hey. Hey.
Pam, how's your day going?
Pam, just for the record, I think you're overreacting a little bit.
Your mom's old enough to make her own decisions.
Oh, well, thanks, Oscar.
I was just wondering, how would you feel
if Michael was sleeping with your mom?
My mother's in a wheelchair.
Well, he could still...
I'm sorry about that.
Could I just get you to sign the second page as well?
Ryan, I have to ask you a personal question.
Do you think that I should get a fedora?
I don't think so, no.
Why? I think I'd look really hot in one.
Where did you get your fedora?
I'd rather not say.
You think I'm going to get the same fedora as you?
Hey, Dwight. Shh!
Natural look. KELLY: I think I would look really cute in it.
It has to go with the persona that you already have.
Well, I think I have that persona.
Where did you get that mallard?
What the hell is a mallard?
That!
Oh, Professor Damon D. Duck. Jim gave him to me.
Okay, I gave that to him as a gift. I'm taking that back.
If you take it back, I'll scream.
I'll give you five bucks for it.
Twenty.
Ten. Deal.
You're so cool.
This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas.
Hey, Toby, can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, sure.
What's up? I just wanted to apologize
for taking that tone with you earlier.
That was uncalled for. I'm sorry.
Yeah. That means a lot. Thank you for saying it.
Can I sit down for a second?
Yeah, or pull up a chair,
or you can sit on the shredder.
This is going to sound weird,
but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment
with this whole Pam situation.
You should probably deal with that outside of the workplace.
She brought it into the workplace,
so I feel like it has to be dealt with here.
Yeah. Okay, well, I mean, I could talk to her.
Really? Yeah.
Would you do that? Yeah.
That's why they pay me the big bucks.
You're a good, good guy.
Okay.
You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me,
we'd become friends.
Hey, Pam, could I talk to you for a sec?
Sure. What's up?
Well, I was hoping that maybe in light of everything that's happened today,
it would be a good idea if you and me and Michael
head into the conference room for some conflict resolution.
What's the matter? Can't fight your own battles?
No, that's...
Maybe you should just take the rest of the day off, you know?
Oh, would that make you feel better?
I don't... I can't hear your conversation.
You can tell Michael that I'm not leaving.
Buddy, I think that you can't make her leave...
Yeah, yeah, okay, you're a jackass.
Hey, hey, you know what? You're just as stubborn as your mother.
When you don't want to do something, you just don't do it.
Michael, you're just her rebound!
You were right, Jim, I should have listened to you.
Should never have told her.
What? You knew?
Barely. I... I don't have all the facts.
Frank and Beans.
Okay, do you want me to stop dating your mom?
Is that how we're going to get past this? Because I will.
Hmm. Yes.
Well, that is not going to happen.
Then why did you even offer?
Because I assumed that you want me to be happy,
because I want you to be happy.
Michael, let me make this very easy for you.
I could give a About your happiness. Stop dating my mother!
You know what? I'm going to start dating her even harder.
What's that supposed to mean?
You know what it means.
Hey. Shut it.
Yep.
I don't need to be friends with Pam.
I have plenty of female friends.
My mom, Pam's mom, my aunt, although she just blocked me on IM.
What's-her-face from Quiznos. I see her four times a week.
Dwight, you brought the mallard back.
Well, I had to. I mean, Kelly was not...
Hi, buddy.
I'm sorry. A wooden duck?
Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you.
I was jealous that you got the promotion over me.
Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this.
And you're not equipped for espionage. I'm equipped...
Stop.
Don't tell Michael.
I won't.
But you will wash and buff our car.
Punishment fits the crime. I accept.
Good night, everyone. Night, Pam.
Thanks again for the rum.
Good night, Michael. Good night, Erin.
Hey, Pam, can I see you for a second?
So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day,
so he generously offered to wash our car.
Aw, he did that for me?
Yes, he did.
You know what was nice?
Night swimming in Biobay.
Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?
Yeah.
Say more nice things.
Well, we went on a Segway tour, and we're awesome at it.
Yes, we are.
And Frank and Beans.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
Yeah, maybe.
But I don't think I am.
You're not, nope.
Nope.
Oh! Where did you get that hat?
I'd rather not say.
We have our high quality 28-pound bond,
our heavier 38-pound bond, or our...
I've got eight hours of this.
Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard. Make him feel safe.
Did you really think I would put my primary listening device
in a wooden mallard?
I'm not insane.
Fifty-five pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper
that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer.