The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 9 - Double Date - full transcript

Good morning, everybody.
Who would like an authentic New York bagel, hmm?
Stanley? Thank you.
Oh, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you.
Wow, H&H.
You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?
Why? Is there a place closer that sells them?
This is really nice, Dwight. Thanks.
Thanks.
Oh, don't mention it.
You owe me one. You all owe me one.
Good morning, Michael. Morning, Dwight.
Hungry?
No, I had a fish stick sandwich.
Actually, I had two fish stick sandwiches.
My girlfriend didn't want hers,
because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.
Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. Yeah.
You're thinking of deer penis. It worked.
Regardless, that was over two hours ago,
and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry.
Bagel?
I don't mind if I do.
Okay, I brought cheese, too.
I'm taking one for my lady friend.
Excellent.
Brain food. Thank you very much.
Okay.
You owe me.
Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends,
so they'll owe him a favor which he can use
to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore?
Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical?
Pam, would you care for a bagel?
Oh, no, thank you.
Oh, that's right, you're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time.
I'll try again.
Please, Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.
I have an early lunch.
Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out
ever since he started dating my mom.
I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out,
but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom.
And we have to go.
No way out.
No way out.
These are amazing. You took all these?
I've always found beauty in uncommon places.
Homeless people, graffiti.
Photography lets me capture all that.
Have you ever been photographed before?
Oh, just by, like, friends.
Well, here's what I've been doing around here.
It's for a series on exposure in the workplace.
Pammy? Hey!
Hey!
Happy birthday. Thank you.
Girls, there they are.
Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch.
There's no better medicine than birthday lunch.
It'll cure all of your,
"Gee, I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother."
And fixes all occurrences of,
"I don't really see them together."
So, open wide, Pam,
and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine.
Take with food.
Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend?
I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding.
Yeah, I think everyone's met Helene. Hi.
Shall we? Wait a minute,
is that another birthday present for me?
'Cause you already gave me a necklace.
Oh, my God, I love it.
Tell her how you gave it to me. No, that wouldn't be...
He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning.
Nice way to wake up. - Yeah.
The rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriocity.
Because of sex? Kevin!
Hey, please, Kevin. You're fired.
Sorry, sorry, work with a bunch of idiots. Shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
Oh, wait.
Swartz Lumber's on the phone for you, Pam. And they say it's urgent.
Oh, you guys, just one second.
Oh, my gosh.
Are you serious?
Shipping emergency.
I don't think I can go to lunch.
Oh, man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out, too.
I know. Isn't that always how it goes?
Rarely, if ever.
Let me give it a whirl, I'll talk to them.
I will handle it. That's okay.
I feel like it's... It's my pleasure.
Hello? Well, that's great.
Turns out, the paper was there all along.
Oh, thank God.
Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.
So, Pammy, are you still liking sales?
Yeah, it's exciting.
You know, Michael and I were talking,
and maybe, if you put in a little more
face-to-face time with your clients, you could improve your sales.
Pam's sales are fine, actually.
Just want you to succeed, Pammy.
You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today.
Thank you.
Today's about family.
Why did I get in the car? I could've struggled.
I have a whistle in my purse, I didn't even blow it.
Oh, Dwight, I have a little surprise for you.
Let me guess, you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it.
Yes.
And I wanted to return the favor.
I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over
and notice that your briefcase was a little worse for the wear,
so a little elbow grease,
and she's polished right up, back to her former glory.
Well. Feel it against your cheek.
I will.
You give me a gift, bam, thank you note.
You invite me somewhere, pow, RSVP.
You do me a favor, wham, favor returned.
Do not test my politeness.
Let me get that door for you. There we go.
Thank you very much, and I got it for you.
Oh! Goodness. Thanks.
You know, here's a healthy fitness tip,
if you clench your buttocks together while walking,
you can really take the pressure off your knees.
- Is that right? - Observe.
Right? That really works.
Yeah. Feel free to use that. Anytime, okay.
Hey, hold on a second.
Do not walk around with your jacket catawampus.
And that needs to be straight as an arrow.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy. Hey, thank you very much for that.
You are welcome. Have a seat. Allow me.
Have a seat yourself.
You know what? I am going to preemptively
change the batteries in your wireless mouse.
Not necessary. No, no, no!
You didn't have to do that.
Andy is complicating things.
But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.
Hello. Scott. Table for four.
Welcome, Scott family. It'll be just a moment.
I used to love coming here. The chicken parm is good.
Big part of my childhood. Maybe Michael will start dating that, too.
What table should we take? So many to choose from.
Wow. Oh, my God.
What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations.
Oh, wait a second, you mean this one? Wow!
Michael, you did all this?
It's not about taking credit. Let's just say we all did it.
Well, thank you, all of you.
Well, it was actually me alone, so...
Wow, look at this place.
It really makes me want to go to Italy someday.
Oh, you'll love it. You can have my guidebooks.
I think I'm done with those really long plane rides.
Thank you for...
Thanks for lending me the books.
So, Mom, which birthday are we celebrating this year?
Sticking with 49.
Forty-nine again?
That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition.
That's funny.
Well, as long as we're running numbers, Pam,
help me out with this one.
Let's see, honey, you're six months pregnant,
but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to?
Ooh, burn, burn on you. And a little bit on me, too.
You're 54 years old.
No, I'm 58.
You're 58 years old?
Uh-huh.
Congratulations.
The only time you should care about a woman's age
is if she is too young for you.
And I am not robbing the cradle.
If anything, I am robbing the grave.
Mom, have you decided what you want to be called?
I mean, I like Nana, but I also like the classic Grandma.
Please be Grandma. I want you to be Grandma. Definitely a Grandma.
Michael. What do you think? Grandma?
Uh-huh.
Yay! Grandma.
Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, you think?
Maybe.
Helene?
No. I don't think so.
I am. I'm definitely going to do it.
I've already got the run and the bike thing down,
just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in?
No, no. I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out.
I don't know, it just doesn't interest me.
So, it's a matter of interest. Good. Okay.
It's not anything you would have ever done?
I might have done it when I was younger,
but now there are just other things I'd rather be doing
than running and jumping and swimming...
Well, there's no jumping in a triathlon. Oh!
You're thinking the broad jump.
Would you try bungee jumping? No.
Snowboarding? No, no, you want to go snowboarding?
I might, I might.
Michael, what are you talking about?
Nothing, just life
and doing things before you die. I don't know.
Do I really want to go snowboarding? No.
But I would like to if I wanted to.
What's going on in here?
Andy bought lunch.
Oh, no, really?
Yep, yep.
Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
There is no book, there's only a survival guide.
You bought breakfast for everyone,
so I got lunch for everyone.
Okay, well, allow me. You know what?
Gosh, these tacos are awfully complicated to make.
I will make everyone's tacos!
So we should get the check.
What about your gift, Michael? Whoa, no, no, no.
No, it's stupid. You'd hate it, I hate it.
I'm sure I won't. Yes, you will.
He locked himself in his office all morning working on it.
Give me. Look at this wrapping paper.
It's got the word "love" on it in every language.
I literally... I put no thought into the wrapping at all.
Might as well have been toilet paper.
Toilet paper. Let's see.
"A scrapbook of our first memories, by Michael Gary Scott,
"for my girlfriend, Helene, on your birthday."
That's just an arbitrary title.
Okay, here's a penny.
What's that from? Penny for your thoughts.
It was from the wishing well at the mall.
You threw it in, I went back later, waded in, and I found it.
That's amazing.
It's not amazing at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that.
And now your wish won't come true, so that blows.
A poem. Oh, that I plagiarized, I think.
"I cannot go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay"
Shel Silverstein? Yeah.
"I have the measles and the mumps
"a gash, a rash, and purple bumps
"And my teacher's really mean
"Happy Birthday, I love you, Helene."
It's really nice, Michael.
I think it sucks.
I think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful.
Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes,
and you like lame things.
It's a generational sort of gap between us.
Oh, God, a scrapbook.
Home run, Michael.
You set the bar so high.
That was a bunt.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dwight, I'm going to do this.
Hey, hey, hey, relax. I got it covered.
No, I insist.
No, no, no, no, no, I insist.
Okay, Dwight, this is ridiculous.
Don't worry about it, you can just owe me.
Hey, where'd you go?
Oh, I just went to the bathroom.
And then you stopped at the bar on the way back?
Got thirsty.
Okay, weirdo. Come on, it's time for cake.
Okay.
Honestly, for a long time,
I thought I was going to grow old with Holly.
And then I met Helene, and she is great,
and she already knows and has done everything
that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it.
But I think I want to do those things myself.
Cake's really good.
I know. I love when they use butter-cream frosting.
Finish your cake, Helene.
I want you to enjoy that cake
because I have something terrible I need to tell you.
And I want you to enjoy your cake
before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.
Helene, I think you're a wonderful person and I...
God, I've enjoyed dating you
and being your boyfriend so much,
but I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a coworker.
I cannot, in good conscience, continue to date you,
when I know what this is doing to her.
Michael. Michael, it's okay.
No, it's not.
I know that it took me a little while to come around,
and it's still a little weird to get used to,
but you obviously make my mom very happy.
And that makes me happy.
Wow, that just... You've really grown.
Well... Oh, thank you, Pam.
And I hope you are as gracious during this next part.
Helene, once again, you are a wonderful person,
and you have lived a great life,
and I envy it, and I want it someday, but just in the future.
You need somebody who understands your references.
Who is Kafka-esque?
I've never... I don't know him.
There's another woman, and her name is Italy,
and skydiving, and bungee jumping.
Okay, so...
And I want kids.
And you, unfortunately, have already completed
that part of your journey down there. Michael.
It's not my decision, it's Mother Nature.
And Mother has very strict rules about
fertility.
I got it.
I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?
Well, hobbies. Stop.
What's going on? Stupid thing wedged up there.
No one in this office will help me.
Yeah, move it.
What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something?
That is a recipe for a ghost.
Oh, yeah, you're gonna owe me big time.
Looks like a little envelope, there you go.
Yup. Got it. "To Dwight"?
Starbucks gift card.
Surprise!
It's from everybody. $15 value.
Damn it! I am no closer to taking Jim down.
What a waste of a day.
I could've grown poison mushrooms that'd be this high by now!
They're mushrooms, they don't get that high.
Pamela Beesly-Halpert. What?
May I have a word with you in my office, please?
I am working.
Well, this is a work-related matter.
Really? Yes.
Really? Yes.
Join me, please, won't you?
I'm going to give you a raise, Pam.
Why?
Because of all the good work you've done.
I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
Don't, no. It's not about numbers Pam,
it's about attitude.
I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Do you want the raise or what?
Yeah, I'll take it.
Okay, hey. Pam, Pam.
With this raise, there are strings attached.
And that string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
You're bribing me?
No, no. No, I am not. Unless you want me to.
Do you want me to?
Because I will, I will bribe you.
No, your face is saying don't, unless I haven't offered you enough.
Your face isn't changing.
What is it? Talk to me, face.
Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking.
Come on, what do you want? What do you want?
Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me?
Do you want me to get down on one knee and beg you?
I want to hit you. What?
I want to hit you. I'll do that.
Okay.
What? I don't... Are you kidding?
No, are you kidding?
No, I don't...
All right. Come on, I'll take off my jacket
and tense my stomach and you just...
No, I don't think I can hit you in the office.
Okay.
So, we'll do it after work. Hmm.
In the parking lot, in front of everyone.
I'm going to hit you as hard as I can.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
See you then. See you.
Hey. Hi.
Quick question. Yeah.
Are you scared?
Never.
About what? A little. What are you talking about?
We heard about the punch. What punch?
Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work.
I'm pretty sure we said slap.
No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now.
I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand
what's going to happen. Do you?
I'm good.
All right. See you there.
Hey. Hey.
Do you and Pam ever get frisky? Inappropriate.
I mean, do you ever wrestle with each other?
All the time. Really?
Yeah. She's strong?
She wants it bad, Michael.
Can you stop this?
I can. Okay.
And I don't support her choice to hit you.
I don't, either.
But at the same time, she goes crazy,
and I do understand her reasoning.
Mmm-hmm. I know.
I just need some time. I need some time to think about it.
You got to do... Give me some time to make a decision.
How much time do you need? No more than a week, maybe two weeks.
Come on, man.
Pam, can I talk to you for a second?
I heard about the hit. Just to be sure,
it's off company property, right? Right.
Yeah, okay, I think we should probably be okay.
Okay. Okay.
And the power comes from the back foot.
So, it's all one motion through the body.
So, there's... You stay a little low and there's a twist,
and you keep your shoulder down.
And you kind of throw out the arm.
Okay, wait, you're saying it comes from the foot?
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah. Okay.
Hey, everybody.
He's not in the men's room, although the seat was warm,
so we may have just missed him.
My money's on Pam.
It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be?
Michael could win.
How? He can't hit back.
Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?
Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No.
Every day, weirdos pay dominatrixes hundreds of dollars
for that very privilege.
I'm scared I'm going to love it. Let's do this.
It's okay, guys. I can handle this. Everybody can go home.
We're here for the show, Michael.
You're just a bunch of voyeurs.
Are you eating popcorn?
It has almost no calories.
You ready?
Yes.
You have to keep your hands down. I know.
Okay. All right.
Oh, God!
Michael, you have to keep your hands down.
Put your hands in your pockets.
Okay!
Pam, Pam.
I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.
What are you sorry for? So many things.
I don't know, it's hard to choose.
How about for dating my mom?
Maybe that's it.
And dumping her on her birthday?
Yes.
Okay, just don't ever date a member of my family again.
Okay, I promise.
For the record, your mom came on to me.
Holy crap!
Are you okay? No!
You're okay.
Feel better?
No, you were right.
Wait, why are you limping?
I don't know.
Let's get some raw meat on that face.
I've got a chicken in the freezer upstairs.
As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming toward my face,
I saw my entire life flash before my eyes.
And guess what? I have four kids.
And I have a hover car and a hover house.
And my wife is a runner, and it shows.
And Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together.
And I'm happy.
And I am rich and I never die.
It doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me.
Good, good, just keep it on there for another five minutes.
It's cold, Dwight. Let the swelling go down.
Oh, thank you. Thanks. I owe you one, Dwight.
Fire Jim.
No.
I'm cashing in the favor, fire him.
What are you talking... Do it.
Promote me. Tri-managers.
Forget that.
Can I have an office? No.
You know what, you can keep your stupid favor.
It's worthless.
And this is my dinner on your face, I'm keeping it.
Oh, that feels better.