The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 21 - Happy Hour - full transcript

Okay.

Breathe.

Work your core!

Come on.

How many is that?

Not counting
the last one, 25.

Count the last one.

Okay, 25 and
one girl pushup.

Oh, new record!

Okay.
Oh!

What did you do today?



I made a sale.

Oh, yeah,
sitting on your big fat butt.

All right, that is
the number to beat.

What do we get
if we do them?

My respect.

Okay, I'll make it
a little more interesting.

Anyone who does
more than 25 pushups...

And one girl pushup.

...gets to go home.

I say "dance,"
they say "how high?"

Three, four...

Here we go.
No, no, no, butt too high.

Disqualified!

What do we got?
Creed, disqualified.



Oh, come on!

Nineteen.

I had a really hard
workout this morning.

Oh, wow!
That is adorable!

- Ten.
- Yeah!

I'm betting one more.

Eleven.

Wow!
Good.

Stanley! Stanley!
Stanley! Stanley! Stanley!

All right.
All right.

Stanley!
Stanley! Stanley!

Essentially what we have
here is one of those stories

where a mother lifts
a car to save her baby.

Well, it's not exactly fair.

He's got all this weight
that's helping him go down.

- Twenty-five!
- Come on!

One more! One more, Stanley!
Yeah, come on! You can do it.

Come on, Stanley!
Let's do it. Come on.

Go!

Yes!

Yes!
- Yeah!

- Are you okay?
- Very nicely done.

Are you okay, Stanley?

Excuse me.

Wow.

All right,
Papa Bear.

Hey!

Matt, right?

Hey, Oscar.
You're here early.

No.
I always come in at 7:00.

No you don't.

Well...

Hey, are you doing
anything later tonight?

I don't know. I'm free.

If you hear of anything
going on, let me know.

Yeah.

Yeah, we talked this morning,

and we talked at Christmas,

so a little momentum there.

Couple hours to kill
before work.

Hey, what's up?
Hey.

Nice office.

Thanks. It's cool.

So...

You know what we haven't
done in a while?

Happy hour.

Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody
just going out for a drink.

Has that ever
happened? Ever?

Didn't we?
I think we did.

Want me to invite Matt?

Yeah, the whole gang.
Matt included.

Look, just be straight
with me, man.

You can be gay with Matt,
just be straight with me.

So, happy hour.
Happy hour.

Just invite everybody.

My pleasure.

All right.

So, what do you think?
- Hmm.

I saw a new drink
on TV I'd like to try.

I'll ask Bob.

Yeah. I love going to bars with Bob.

I tend to wear
something low-cut,

get men to flirt with
me, and Bob beats them up.

What?

A bunch of us are talking
about happy hour.

I would love,
love, love to go.

Only problem is,

Pam's at home with the baby and
I think she wants a night in.

Oh, baloney.
Good one.

Ring her up.

Absolutely.
I'll do that right now.

I gotta tell you,
this baby is amazing.

She gets me
out of everything.

And I love her.
I also love her very much.

So, some of
the coworkers

were thinking of going out
tonight, but I told them...

Yes! Yes,
I would love to!

Knew it!

It's been so long since
I've been with adults.

I'm so excited
to see everybody.

Creed, Ryan.
Oh, my God, Stanley!

Stanley's gonna be there.
Yes! Oh, my God...

I did not
see this coming.

Erin, I need you to fax this and
get me a confirmation, pronto.

Are you going later?

Sure, if you are.
Yes.

Talk to me that way again
and I'll cut your face off.

Whoa!

We recently struck up a
romantic relationship, and...

But we're kind of
keeping it quiet for now,

'cause it's still kind of a new
thing, it's a little delicate,

and we just don't want
all the drama. Exactly.

Yeah, 'cause when everyone
knows, it...

That's actually pretty funny,
but in general, you know...

Quiet.

Hey, boss man.
- Yes.

A bunch of us are going
to get some drinks. You in?

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is quitting time.

I'm sorry,
I meant later.

Okay. Yes.
For happy hour?

Sure. No, I got that.

Trying to
get a head count.

I am in!

All right.

Yes. It's a deal.

It's a deal.

Hey, I invited my friend Julie. Okay.

I want her
to meet Michael.

Why?

They're both single. I
have a sense they might...

You've been
gone for a long time.

It is not that... Kevin!

Yeah!

How are you?

Oh, I missed you so much.
Oh!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, when a new mom
hears a baby cry,

her you-know-whats
fill up with you know what,

and then her shirt gets,
you know...

That would be funny.

Oh, wow. I cannot believe this is
happening. This is everything I dreamed.

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Easy.

It's not a birthday,
it's not a goodbye party.

Hey, Pam and I
are gonna go play pool

with one of her friends,
and we need a fourth.

Sucks to be you.

Would you like
to be our fourth?

That would be sublime.

All right.

So, the guy shows me
the deck he's built,

and I'm like, "I'll call this
a deck if it'll make you happy,

"but this is just
a porch without a roof."

It was
ridiculous, man.

It was, like, you could maybe
get two chairs on the thing.

Two lawn chairs.

Hey, Michael.
Yes?

This is my friend Julie.

Hello. How are you?
Hi.

What is a nice girl like you
hanging out with these bums for?

There you go.

Julie laughs
at everything.

So you work
with Pam and Jim?

Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me,

and if they win,
they are fired.

I should hope not.

No. No. Not really. Not
really. But they better not win.

Hey.
- Hey, Isabel, you made it.

Oh, my goodness!
Of course.

You want to play pool?

I'm gonna do a lap, see
if I know anyone. Okay.

And then they said the most
ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper,

which I do not have
the decency to repeat,

but trust me when
I tell you that it...

Hold that thought.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Isabel.
Mmm-hmm.

What's a girl like you
doing in a place like this?

A girl like me is why a guy like
you comes to a place like this.

Ooh. I love repartee.

Do you?

Usually means there's
a battle scene coming.

So what do you do?

I am an ESL teacher.

Really?
Yeah.

See, I didn't think
you could teach that.

I thought that was
something you were born with.

What am I thinking
right now?

Are you thinking
that I said ESP?

Yes. I feel like
an idiot. Awesome.

I was a little nervous when
Pam told me he was her boss,

but he doesn't act
like a boss at all.

If I had a boss like that,
we'd never get anything done.

So what do you think?

About what?

About Julie?

She seems nice.

Yeah?
Yeah.

So you like her?
Uh, yeah, sure.

So Pam was right.

About what?

About you two
hitting it off.

Well, apparently Michael
Scott is on a date,

and that... That, my
friend, changes everything.

My brother, good head, bad
heart. Good head, bad heart.

I know.

- Yeah, you told me about him.
- Yeah.

- Oh, boy!
- He's all right.

Hey, Michael,
where have you been?

Hey, you're supposed to hit
the white ball first, buddy.

Hey!
Nice one.

Can I talk to you
for a second? Mmm-hmm.

Everything okay? Why are
you wearing a hat now?

Guys, come on.
I'm on a date.

Let me do my thing.

Hi, I'm Date Mike.
Nice to meet me.

How do you like
your eggs in the morning?

Do you want to
just make a run for it?

Maybe.

Mommy!

What is happening?

Whoa!

What is cracking?
One second.

Guys, we're focusing.
We can't talk.

What's this game?
One second.

Yeah. How do you play?

Guys, guys, guys,
please. Okay.

All right, it's all yours.
Only three tickets.

If we save them up, we can get
more than a sticker this time.

Stop telling me how
to spend my tickets.

I know,
but you wanted...

Wow! Can you imagine
what people would say

if they saw us
dancing together?

Oh, I know.

They'd be like,
"What's up with those two?"

"Hey, guys, get
a bedroom already."

"Did we miss the wedding?"

I got it. I'll do this and
you play the racing game

and then we'll switch.

Yes. Okay.
Yeah, that's smart.

No drama. Okay.

Oh, air hockey, basketball.

We could play that.

Oh, Whac-A-Mole.

Any brothers or sisters?

Three brothers.
Really?

Mmm-hmm. Two are in
the Marines, one's a cop.

Vegetarian?

No. I love meat.

What's your blood type?

O negative.
Universal donor.

Universal donor!
Mmm-hmm.

Angela versus Isabel.
Height, advantage Isabel.

Birthing hips,
advantage Isabel.

Remaining childbearing years,
advantage Isabel.

Legal obligation,
advantage Angela.

Hey, guys, guys,
guys. Excusez-moi. Hey.

Watch this. Ready?

What are you doing?

I'm tying a knot in
the stem with my tongue.

Michael, you don't have
to do this.

Wow. That was close.

I would say I kind of
have an unfair advantage,

because I watch reality
dating shows like a hawk.

And I learn.
I absorb information

from the strategies of
the winners and the losers.

Actually, I probably
learn more from the losers.

Hey, you two having fun?

Did you tell them?

No.

This is exactly
what I don't want.

The drama.

I don't want the drama!

Oh.

You are amazing at this.
How did you get so good?

Whacking moles.
Hit him on the head. Whack!

Whack!
Whack! Say it with me.

Whack!
Extend the fingers more.

Whack!
Good.

This looks like a hoot.

Hey, monkey, how you doing? Whack.

Listen, can I talk
to you for a second?

Okay.

You know, I've been
thinking, we had a good run,

we really did,
but you don't need to worry

about this whole
contract thing anymore.

It's no worry.

It's just that we both...
We want different things.

You know,
I want a big family.

I could see enjoying that.

No, no, no, no, no.
I want a big family.

Tall, thick. A big,
physically big family.

Listen, you go have fun.

You're off the hook.

But we signed the contract.

It's dissolved.
Don't worry. You're free.

Okay? Okay.
We'll see you later.

But we both...
And you didn't do...

Wow! Maybe we should tell her
he's not normally like this.

Maybe it should
come from a man.

Maybe it should
come from a note.

With flowers. Tomorrow.

Hello.
Hello.

Hi.
Hi.

You want to pay 400 bucks
to re-felt this table?

Yeah! Why don't
you send the bill

to 23 I Don't Care Lane,
Scranton, Pennsylvania?

Hey, Michael, why
don't you just get down?

Hey, she can tell
I'm on a date, right?

Right? We're just having fun.

Ted, we having fun?

Really? You told on me.
That's lame.

We got a problem?
Yes. Homelessness.

What?
All right, go.

Where?

Get out. Now.

Okay. All right, okay. Whoa!

I'm just kidding
around. I'm sorry.

Okay, why don't we
just finish the game?

Michael, it's your shot.

She can't talk
to us that way.

You guys are stripes,
I think.

You let somebody
talk to you like that,

where does it stop?

It stopped.

Well, I am starting it again!

Do you guys
want some food?

The wings are
really good here.

Hey!

You embarrassed my friends in
front of me, and I am gonna need you

to go back over to the table
and apologize.

Then I am sorry that
I didn't kick you out.

I'm here with my employees.
I am here on a date.

Hello.

Well, I'm the
manager here, sir.

Well, it just so happens
that I'm a manager, too,

and the way I manage people is
that I touch their hearts and souls

with humor, with love and
maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle,

and I don't see that from you.

Is that how you do it?

Yes, it is.
I'm writing a book about it.

Really? How much
have you written?

I've written all of it.

In my head.

If you're really interested,
it is called Somehow I Manage,

and there's going to be a picture
of me on the cover shrugging

with my sleeves rolled up.

Have you read Lee
lacocca's? It's classic.

Read it? I own it.

But no, I have not read it.

Dude, tonight.

You're not gonna want to put it
down. It's gonna make you want

to go out and buy
a Chrysler tomorrow.

I own a Chrysler.

Shut up.

No, you shut up.

What's your drink?

Grenadine.

What?

We just have to throw everyone off
the scent a little, so follow my lead.

Hi.
Hi.

I don't normally do
this, but... Do what?

Go, go. Just sit down
next to a beautiful woman

and start talking to myself
to confuse other people.

Hey, big boy. Do you
like it when I do that?

What are you doing?

What we said to do.

We didn't say we were gonna,
like, start groping strangers.

I was flirting with a man.

Get in here.

Where did you learn
to talk like that?

The movies.
I don't know.

What movie?
Black Snake Moan?

I manage a paper company.
Dunder Mifflin-Sabre.

Do you have a card?

I did. I actually
put it in your bowl.

Stanley Hudson?

No. No.

Whoa! A lot of Stanley Hudsons in here.

No, it's Michael Scott.

Michael Scott?

He is I.

You just won
yourself a lunch.

Oh. Hey, guys!

I think I'm gonna go.

Really?

I'm sorry.
He's not usually like that.

What's he usually like?

He's more just...

Like... You can go.
Yeah.

All right.

Bye.
See you.

Nice girl.
Yeah.

Hey! Julie, having fun?

So, when are you
coming in for that free lunch?

You're gonna want to come
in on a day that I'm working.

Maybe I can hear
more about that book, too.

Hey, man. You put together a
pretty fun night for everybody.

I saw you talking to Hide. Did
you hear that dude's life story?

It's amazing, right?

I couldn't understand
a word he said.

Let me tell you something,
Oscar, all right?

Matt's an okay dude,
but he's a dummy.

You guys got
nothing in common.

Maybe you're right. I
should count myself lucky.

Hey, what's up?

There he is! Hey!

Anyone up for some hoops?
Yeah. Hoops!

Let's do it.
- Hoop it. Yeah.

This is not what I want
my relationship to look like.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Andrew Bernard and I've
been on two dates with Erin Hannon

and they went well, and
there will probably be more.

Thank you.

You know,
it got to the point

where keeping it a secret
was just too much drama.

And I hate drama,
so... There you go.

You love drama.

I know, I do, right?

I'm a total drama queen.

This move?
He can't get you.

I think that he could counter that move.

The Scranton Strangler
is a professional strangler.

Oh, please. I wish he'd come
after me. I would be like...

Dwight Schrute!

Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Shut up, what?

You are hereby served
with this summons

to appear in
Lackawanna County court...

No, no, no.
...for breach of contract

against Angela Noelle Martin.

What are you talking
about? What are you...

Dwight recently entered into a
contract with me, establishing intent

to conceive and raise
a child with me. Angela.

Did he not tell you that?
What?

You're really putting me
in an awkward position here.

Do you plan on
raising a child with me,

or do you plan on
breaking this contract?

Angela! Not here!

Dwight.

Whack.

You will see me in
small claims court!

You are an
impressive specimen.

Thank you.

And I spilled my drink and
they wouldn't give me a refill.

Oh, my gosh. Okay, yeah,
we have to get home.

Okay.
Yes!

Halperts, wait up!
What a great night!

Got to hang out
with my peeps.

Sort of did okay
with a new young lady.

Actually you didn't.
Not at all.

I think I did, but I
can't take all the credit.

Some of the credit is due, in
fact, to my good friend Date Mike.

Nice to meet me.

Tell me your story, Hide.