The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 20 - New Leads - full transcript

Hey, Jim.
Jim! Come here.

Do you know who that is?

No.

Look at him.
Look at him.

T-shirt, jeans.

Is it you?
I am flattered.

That's Johnny Depp.

Where'd you take that?
In my condo complex.

Oh, my God, that's right!
I read in People magazine

that he was looking for a
two-bedroom condo in Scranton.

I'm flipping out, man.



Well, you remember my idea
for the fourth Pirates movie.

Sure. That they should do one.

Hey, Jim, Jim, where do
I find the Black Pearl?

Who's that?
Captain Jack Sparrow.

Captain Jack Sparrow, Jim.

John Dillinger.

No, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.

Cap'n Crunch.

Okay. Okay.

Screw you, Halpert.

You know, it's not easy
getting excited about stuff.

Remember how you felt when you
thought you'd seen Roger Clemens?

At the Yankees game.

Yeah. Well, it wasn't him.



I had a little better
reason to believe that...

You're right.
You're right.

Well, you're not right,
because Johnny Depp...

I know. I know!
...in your condo complex?

It also explains why the name
on his mailbox was M. Schulman.

M. Night Schulman?

First up,

the Lost and Found has
gone missing.

It itself is lost,

so please try not to lose
anything until we find it.

Pet day. If you don't
have a pet please don't feel like...

When are we
getting to sales topics?

Yeah. What about those leads? Did
you hear anything from corporate?

Ah, yes, the leads.

The leads that
Sabre has spent $50,000

to get from a market research
company are not here yet.

- Man.
- But will be...

Damn it! No, no,
no. No. Meeting's not over.

But is there anything relevant
to the sales staff here?

No sales topic, per se.

Well, then
no Andy Bernard, per se.

I agree.

Dwight? Sorry. Michael,
I got calls to make.

I would like your
undivided attention, please.

You couldn't handle
my undivided attention.

Over the last few weeks,
things have been changing here.

Sabre says it is our duty
to support the sales team,

and the salesmen are
letting it go to their heads.

I think it's kind of
screwed up,

because the way
this place used to work

was make friends first,
make sales second,

make love third,
in no particular order.

Listen, Michael,

about what
happened earlier.

Yeah?

When I was asking about
the leads.

Mmm-hmm.

Is there any news
on the leads?

Is that all you have to say to me?

Yeah. You got any
news on the leads?

Okay, I tell you what.

I'm going out on a very
important sales call.

You get any news about
the leads, you try me.

All of my numbers.
All six of my numbers, okay?

Including the car phone!

All right, Dwight out!

Salesman is King.

As the best salesman,
I am King of Kings.

Oh, you say Jesus
is King of Kings?

Well, what does that say to
you about how I think of myself?

Do you not
answer emails anymore?

Because I have emailed you four
times asking you to come to my desk.

Honey, if I don't have
time to answer an email,

I definitely don't have time
to walk over to your desk.

Wow, wowie, wowie.

Congratulations.
It's a big check.

Oh, sorry, one second.

Stop sexting Pam.

I'm trying to
congratulate you.

This is actually a big
potential sale, so...

You're writing your
memoirs over there?

You writing your
name over there?

Well, it's a pretty big check.

It's good, you know,
with the kid.

Okay. Don't gloat.
Here's the thing.

This kind of money
can corrupt people.

All right,
here we go. "Michael."

I'm just
saying that...

"Michael."

Great.

Teddy, nice. Let me just... Let
me write that down real quick.

Pencil. Give me a pencil.

Hang on, Teddy.
I'm making a sale.

Mmm-hmm.
Sales.

Mmm-hmm.

There's other pencils
in this office.

Give me...

Honey and jelly
sandwich time.

Mike.

Oh, you gotta
be kidding me.

Look at that. That's...

I know who did that.

You saw who did
this and you didn't stop them?

Didn't have to see.
It was sales, I can feel it.

They are out of control.

The sales department
smashed my sandwich.

Yes. All of them.

Together.
It's a conspiracy.

Listen to me, Mike.

You gotta do
something about them.

You don't get it.

You need to get back on top.

That's what she said.
That's what she said.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Something came
for you, Michael.

Thank you very much.

What'd you get?

- Uh, it's just the stupid
leads. - All right!

About time.
Yeah! Me likey!

Yeah, finally, Michael.
Hand them over, numbnuts.

But seriously, I mean, it's
your job to give us those leads.

All right.

Then I guess I should
give them out. Hold on.

You know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking that I have
something that you want.

You guys are acting
like you own this place,

and you don't.

Not even Sabre owns
this place. It's a rental.

I'm kind of sick of
the attitude around here.

I'm sick of
the cocky walk.

I am sick of you throwing
your paycheck in my face.

I am sick of your
uppity attitude, Jim.

I think I am not going
to give these to you.

- Yes!
- Yeah!

We need those leads, Michael.

That's our job,
Michael. Michael!

Michael, we spent
a lot of money on those leads.

You have to
give them out.

Then we are just rewarding
their bad behavior.

Okay, just imagine

that instead of going to
jail for murdering someone,

you got an ice cream cone.

If that were the case,
then in the summertime,

everyone would go
around killing people

for the pleasure
of an ice cream cone.

Michael, I don't want
to incentivize murder,

but we've tried
to make it clear

that our policy
emphasizes sales staff.

They act like
I have no power.

But you do.
You are in charge...

Thank you... Of
supporting the sales staff.

You are required to hand
out those leads, Michael.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, if that is what I am required
to do, I will do exactly that.

Okay, good.
Exactly that.

Good.
Exactly that.

Why do you
keep repeating...

Hello. May I have
everyone's attention, please?

Gabe has instructed me
to hand out the leads,

so I am going to give
the leads to King Creed.

What?
What are you...

And to King Meredith!

They aren't
sales people.

And to King Angela.

Because today we are
all kings and queens.

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

I am giving them
the leads, Phyllis.

Hey.
Hey.

So I'm gonna go ahead
and save you some time,

and tell you that no one's
gonna go along with this.

But you knew that, right?

Mmm-hmm.

All right. So, why don't you just
give me my share of the leads,

and I'll start
making some calls?

Okay.

Hey, all right.
All right.

These aren't leads.
What are they?

Oh, right.
Those are clues,

and within each clue
is a lesson.

You learn a lesson,
and then you find a lead.

The leads are scattered
all over the industrial park.

I'm trying to make
your kids respect you,

because a father needs
to respect his boss,

and kids don't respect the father
who doesn't respect the boss.

Do you understand
that line of logic?

I don't even think
you understand it.

I do understand it.

This one's a map.

Or is it?

How the tables have turned!
I see you got my email.

Are you gonna give me the leads or not?

I'll give you the leads.
But you know what?

It's gonna cost you
some clerical work.

What are these for?
It doesn't matter.

Fill them out.
All of them.

And when you're done, you
can watch me shred them.

Right.

I want to watch
The Kardashians, okay?

I don't want to watch Bored
To Death. It's mindless!

Kardashians is a good show.
It is...

Thank you, Stanley!
No, you don't even know!

How would he even
know The Kardashians?

It's about a family, a real-life
family. No, Stanley, do you...

Hey, baby, what's up?

I am currently reading
incoherent riddles

on blue index cards
to find vital information

that Michael has hidden all
over the office. How are you?

Nothing but vomit
and diapers over here.

Oh, my God.
I couldn't envy you more.

Having a baby is as
exhausting as they say it is.

Having two babies,
that's just unfair.

How about this one?

"When arrogant salesmen
are mean to my face,

"a certain manager will
go to his moppy place."

He means
his mopey place.

It's under that street lamp
that he thinks was in Casablanca.

God, I love you.

Today I turned an office
crisis into a teachable moment.

A lesser manager would have
screwed this day up royally.

I can imagine some yokel
sitting behind his desk saying,

"Oh, yeah, take a lead. Learn nothing."

Some people shouldn't
be in this business.

Hey. I guess you probably
won't give me your leads

since I'm a jerk salesman.

Yeah. I basically
wish you were dead.

I hid the leads.

Where?

Colder.

Colder.

Warmer.

Warmer.

Colder. Colder. Warmer.

Warmer. Warmer!

Hot! Hotter.

Burning hot! Lower.

Are you...
Lower.

Are you sure?

Lower.

What are you doing, idiot?

Michael's stupid
scavenger hunt.

Scavenger hunt? Here.
I can solve it. Give it.

"The treasure you seek
is in the parking lot

"under the first president"?

Lincoln.

The prankster
is getting pranked.

It involves you, too.

The leads are in?

Michael?

Michael, you were supposed to
tell me when the leads came in.

Well, big shot, if you
want to find your leads,

go to the man
who never breeds.

Kevin.

Damn it!

Kevin! Give me those leads.
Where are they? Come on!

You are never
going to find them.

Really?
I'm going to enjoy this.

Give me the leads!
Where are my leads?

Give me the leads!

I'm still enjoying it!

Where are they?

They're in the trash.
They're in the trash.

The trash. It's code.

All right, Meredith.
Take off your dress.

Okey-dokey.

No, dear God, no.

It's in the trashcan.
In the kitchen.

It's coming off
either way.

Clean sack.

What...
I emptied it in the dumpster.

It had Toby's baba ghanoush.

If we don't patronize the
only Syrian restaurant in town,

there'll be nothing left
but pan pizzas

and, you know,
make-your-own-salads.

It's empty!

Wait. What day is today?

Tonight is Ghost Whisperer,
so Friday.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! No, no, no!

Hey, hey!

Wait! Wait!

Okay, you know what? Let's just
go to the dump, start looking.

Ryan, come on.
Shotgun in my car.

Michael, why would
we all go to the dump?

Why? Because I am
not going to call Sabre

and say, "Hi! You know those
very valuable, expensive leads

"that you gave us
earlier today?

"Well, because of a screw-up
by a staff member,

"they're now
in the city dump."

Not your staff, Michael. You.

Well, that's not the way
it's gonna sound.

Here's what we'll do. We'll go
to the dump, we'll look around,

then we'll all go
out and get pizza,

maybe catch a movie,
late-night drink,

some more pizza, call it
a night. What do you...

Does it have to be pizza?
Could we go for a falafel?

Really?

I'm not going.
You did this, not us.

Okay, no. You encouraged it.
You were complicit. Complicit.

You were all successories.

That sounds fun, mucking
around in the dump.

I wish I could go.
You can.

I can't.
You know that.

Okay, fine, I get it.
I'll just go by myself.

I'll go, Michael.

'Cause you'll just
screw it up.

This place has gone to hell.

You know, Dwight, there was a
time you'd be pinching yourself

to have the opportunity to
look through a dump with me.

Yeah, well,
the acorn becomes the oak.

Yeah. Well, sometimes the
acorn just stays an acorn.

If you don't believe me,
look in my gutters.

You're adorable.
You need to go for it.

I'm gonna be, like, mad at you
if you don't... Yeah, whatever.

Can't wait
for this day to be over.

Why?
Just all the drama.

What drama?

Between the...

Us and you guys.

It's unnecessary, right?

So unnecessary.

Good. Thank God you said that.

You know,
maybe if the salesmen

weren't acting like such
a bunch of stuck-up losers,

then this day wouldn't be so
bad. Did you ever think of that?

I have new
baby pictures.

Jim.

Don't use your cute
baby to make us like you.

She's wearing a Onesie.

Stop it.

If we act nice now,

then we're rewarding them
for treating us poorly.

Didn't we kind of start it?

Mmm. I think you're
remembering that wrong.

- Yeah.
- I don't know about this.

I mean, I think we
should hold our ground.

The company's changed, and if
they don't like it, they can leave.

I mean, a lot of their
work can be done from India.

Can we at least all agree
that this is uncomfortable,

and maybe heading
for something bad?

All those who agree
say "aye."

Aye.

All those opposed? I don't
think we need opposed.

You've changed, man.

Oh, why, 'cause I have a
shot at a 100K commission?

Since when do you
care about money?

When I first met you,
you were a wide-eyed innocent.

Hey, there is nothing I can
do about my wide-set eyes.

No, no, no, I'm talking about
your personality, Dwight!

Okay, when I first met you,
I had a lot of job offers.

And I had an offer
from lvan Schotsky.

The lvan Schotsky. If I
had assistant managed him...

Assistant to
the managed him.

Oh, that's low!

I would be number two
right now at a Home Depot!

Yeah.
Okay?

'Cause they promote
from within!

Instead I had to follow you.
You're going nowhere.

You think you would have done
better without me. Really?

I hitched my wagon
to a horse with no legs.

Wow! Okay! Man!

When I think
about all the time

that I wasted
being your friend!

I shouldn't have
been hanging out

watching karate
movies with you!

Kung fu movies!

You know what I should have been doing?

I should have been out at
bars finding my soul mate,

finding my wife,
making babies.

Nice babies you're making
with the floozies at the bars!

That's my wife you're
talking about, man!

Your made-up wife
who doesn't exist?

You watch it!

If I'd wanted to hit you, I would
have hit you. Don't do it! No, no.

You just made an enemy
with the wrong guy, Dwight.

Wait. Timeout,
timeout, timeout!

Time-in.
No!

Don't... Don't even
think about that.

Stop it!

Give me that.
That's my spool!

What's the least we can do
to make this okay?

I'll text Pam. She's
really good at this stuff.

Yeah. I'll text Erin. She's
really good at this stuff, too.

I mean, I guess we could give
them some of our new commissions.

That is
a dangerous precedent.

Pam texted back saying we
could give them all iPods.

If they don't have an iPod by
now, they really don't want one.

All right. Then we're back to cash.

And I gotta say,

if giving a small
percentage of our commissions

is gonna smooth all
this over, I'm for it.

Okay, fine,
cash it is.

Erin just texted me back.

"People love shells
from faraway beaches."

Okay, Dwight.
All right, Dwight.

Here we go! Here we go! Oh, God!

Oh.

We're never gonna find
those leads, are we?

No.

Amazing, isn't it?

No other animal on Earth
could do this.

Maybe beavers.
But not like this.

So, how about, guys, 1%
commission a month instead of 2%?

What do you think...
No.

No, we agreed 2% for the quarter. Yes.

Okay. Hey, everybody.

Nice spread. We get it.

You eat like royalty.
No, no.

This is a representation
of how we feel,

and how we feel
is really sorry.

Yeah. We wanted to bring you
in and make a peace offering.

Yeah, we wanted to
do the right thing, so...

Way to go, guys.
This...

This was an
integrity move.

Yeah. When we
walked in here,

we were all prepared
to tell you to go to hell.

Do you have any pastries without fruit?

Yes, we do. Eclairs.

Well, you better be
happy, taking 2% of our...

2% milk! What I forgot for the coffee.

Yeah, treats, Stanley.

They've accepted our
simple offer of treats only,

nothing more.

This is nice.
All of us back together.

This?

Why would somebody
throw that out?

Waste.

Hey.

You know who'd
like this? Phyllis.

Purple much?

Yeah, she does.

She loves purple.
Does it stink?

Yeah.

You know what would be
a great picture here?

Just this whole dump, and
in the middle, one flower.

Mmm-hmm.
That's it.

Wow.

And the caption
would read...

"Hope grows."

"In a dump."

Is the good news
that you found our leads?

No. Better.

We have an awesome beanbag chair

that's perfect
for the break room.

I'm never
gonna sit on that disgusting seat.

Yeah, damn right you're not,
'cause it's for me and Michael only!

Yeah!
Yeah!

It's freezing out here.

Yeah!

I have warm blood.

Oh, wow. Thank you.

You're the nicest person
I've ever met.