The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 22 - Secretary's Day - full transcript

Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair.
Have you seen them? Wait, I'm sitting on them.
This is awesome.
Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
What's the difference between a chimichanga,
a chalupa and a tostada?
Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
Wait, this isn't funny. I don't talk like that.
Say, "Me eat cookie."
No. I won't say it.
Why is everyone clumped around accounting?
Break it up, you clique.
It's Kevin as Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.
Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Mmm-hmm. I love that show.
This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Thank you. That is an amusing link.
I'd like it sent to me, please.
Me, too, Oscar, please send it to me. Yeah, totally.
Yeah, me, too.
Angela, this is inappropriate.
This is my favorite day.
It's Secretary's Day.
And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary,
so perfect storm for a romantic gesture.
Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day.
I sent an email blast, a text blast, a good old-fashioned talk blast.
I sent a snail-mail blast a week ago,
and a stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning,
so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.
Oh, thank you.
I do.
Thank you.
If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.
Welcome back. Hey, thanks.
It's my first day back after maternity leave, and I miss Cece, of course.
But we need the money.
What was maternity leave like? Oh. How do I explain it?
It rocked. It rocked my ass off.
Oh. You couldn't have watered it?
I literally did not know that existed until this moment.
Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.
It's nice to see you again, Dwight.
Hello, Pam.
I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day.
I'm going to give Erin $15.
I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch.
A one-on-one lunch with Erin?
Yeah. She really looks up to you.
There's only so much we can do as her coworkers.
Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing.
She's kind of a rube.
That's my girlfriend you're talking about.
Okay. All right. All right. Okay, I'll take her to lunch.
She's gonna be so psyched.
Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day.
Well, happy boss's day.
There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss.
I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were,
because I was hoping to ask you to lunch.
I got a picture of you asking me to lunch.
I was thinking we could go to Hayworth's, just the two of us.
Well, Hayworth's is more business-casual,
and they always screw up your order, so I'm...
Oh. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that was a stupid suggestion.
I was thinking someplace special, so I thought Hayworth's, but...
Okay, well, we'll figure something out.
Okay.
Okay, let's go to Hayworth's.
Okay!
Have a cookie, Kev.
Yeah, ha, ha, tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.
I brought those in. It's my birthday.
That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.
Man, Darryl, I'm sorry.
Happy birthday. Thank you.
They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that.
But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.
Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level...
This is violent and offensive.
Thank you.
And it really makes me self-conscious about my voice.
That's awful.
I'm not crying.
You have some food on your face.
Do my hands feel sweaty to you?
The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco.
Either they don't respect me, or they respect me too much.
And some of them still think that I'm the IT guy.
This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people
that I'm an authority figure.
Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time.
It's come to my attention that people have been watching
and laughing at a hurtful parody video.
It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or email this around.
Yeah.
And that's straight from corporate, so...
Not to be scary, but, yeah, I would listen to me.
And that's all.
Would you mind if I listened to my book on tape?
I'm kind of a bookworm.
This is a novelization of the movie Precious, Based on the Book Push by Sapphire.
I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over.
What decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?
I don't know.
I would have chosen the 1490s.
'Cause America was discovered.
Right.
And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express,
but then it became a full Taco Bell and, I don't know, I couldn't keep up.
My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk.
At my foster home I never had a desk, so it's like...
I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it.
I just didn't have a desk there.
Did you have a favorite age? Or month?
An age or month?
Yeah, like a favorite month. Like, I liked April when I was seven.
I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going.
Erin is just weird.
How many pillows do you sleep on at night?
So how are things going with Andy?
He's the best boyfriend in the world.
Tell me about him before I met him.
Well, let's see...
Andy plays the banjo.
Yeah, I love that.
Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.
What?
I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter.
Sorry. About Angela. Did you say he dated Angela?
Mmm-hmm. You didn't know that?
Here we go. Hot plate.
Oh, okay.
And your salad, miss.
Why wouldn't he tell me that?
I don't know.
Probably didn't want you to have a mental image
of him having sex with somebody else.
They had sex?
They were engaged, so...
Okay, you know what, sir?
Yes?
Yeah, I asked for pickles on my burger, and there are only, like, five or six.
Can I get some more pickles?
Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles.
Thank you.
They were engaged?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
Well...
What are you doing? What are you doing?
In the foster home, my hair was my room.
Okay, okay, you know what? You know what? You know what?
Everybody's looking at you right now.
I'll have what she's having.
Did you have a... Did you like your lunch?
Did you have a good lunch?
Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food?
It was good. I liked my lunch.
What's up?
Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.
Dwight, don't be gross.
No, no, he's right.
Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough.
You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.
That's weird, my breast pump is missing.
Have you seen my breast pump?
All right, this is gonna traumatize me
a hell of a lot more than you, believe me.
You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay?
Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode.
Three squeezes and I would drain you.
Mmm.
Meredith! MEREDITH: I just like the way it feels.
- What are you doing? - Just relax, okay?
Relax?
This is like the Cadillac of pumps.
Give it back to me, now!
Okay. I was just warming it up.
That's... It's disgusting!
It's not a big deal.
It's not sterile!
We're both girls. Who cares?
So, how was lunch?
Lunch was fine.
Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?
I don't know. It was lunch, Andy.
Well, I know, I'm... That's what I'm...
Just wondering... I mean...
Erin, I think we're out of fax cover sheets.
God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy.
My name is Kevin. I'm an accountant.
You see? I did the voice.
It's a little derivative.
But parody is always derivative.
It's not organic. Do you know what I mean?
Jim does a really good one. Do yours.
Oh, guys, I really refuse to participate.
"Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck,
"because a Mrs. Fields Cookies just opened up at the mall!"
Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at MADtv?
"Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies."
Okay.
Hey, can I have your attention, please?
First of all, thanks to everyone
for helping put this awesome party together,
and a very special shout-out to the chair of the party planning committee,
Miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself.
Yeah, you know what?
I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so...
I'm saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic.
No, no, no.
Specific shout-out.
Stop talking.
Okay. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection to Secretary's Day
in the form of that 115-pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon.
To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax confirmations,
but to me, she is my girlfriend,
in addition to being the person who brings me my fax confirmations.
So, I wrote a little ditty
that I would like to play for all of you right now.
It's a little tune called Secretary of Love.
One, two, one, two, three...
I know about Angela.
I know that you were engaged to her
and that you were sleeping with her.
Michael told me. Oh, God.
Erin, can we talk about this in private?
I don't want it to be in private. Is it true or is it not?
Yes. Who else did you sleep with?
Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?
No. No. No. No.
Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know?
Yeah. Pretty much.
Pretty much. Yeah.
Who are you? I don't know you. Get away!
I should probably get involved in this,
but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue.
Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anybody before you,
I would have told you.
Thanks.
So if you need anything, I'm right over there.
"Hey, Erin, you look delicious! I mean, beautiful."
Okay. Okay. There, I heard that.
So, I'm sorry, Pam, but that's it.
I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days.
What? What do you mean, suspend me?
I think you need to go a little easy.
You can't just suspend someone from work.
Yeah, you're right. You know what? You're suspended too, Jim.
Okay. Fine. You too, Dwight.
Wait, what? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making.
I don't want to hear it. Suspended.
"C" is for suspension.
Why would that be something that you would talk about on Secretary's Day?
Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with.
All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend
that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them?
That's like... That's... That's like Mr. & Mrs. Smith crap.
I was gonna tell her, just on my own time.
You know what? I resent the implication that I would keep that secret.
Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.
Who cares?
I mean, it's not like I killed somebody. Big deal, right?
This is gonna blow over in two seconds.
She never asked me, so if you think about it, it's kind of...
I probably should have told her, I guess. Everybody does stupid things.
Psst.
Hey. Erin.
You want to talk to me, come to my desk.
You embarrassed me earlier.
Take it up with the chief of police.
You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy?
It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled.
I want to throw up just thinking about it.
I want to throw up just thinking about it.
You are throwing up for the wrong reasons.
I don't think this fax is going through.
Oh...
Is there a different... I guess put it through again, you know?
Hey.
You know, I was engaged before Jim.
Really?
Yeah. And he worked here, too.
It was Andy, wasn't it?
No, no, it wasn't Andy. It wasn't.
It doesn't matter.
It's not about who you've been with.
It's about who you end up with.
Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Thank you.
So I can reprimand them, but I can't suspend them?
Oh, I can't do either? Uh-huh.
Fair enough.
Hey, Toby. - I called Tallahassee.
Now, he can ask you not to come in, but he can't dock your pay. It's not legal.
Very interesting.
I also learned some interesting things about how they structure their...
Thanks, Toby.
Hey, everyone. Hi.
Quite an afternoon, huh?
Cathartic, in a way. I'm glad that I got to share it with you.
Makes you think about what's really important.
It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority.
It's about forgiveness.
And, yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here.
I think that if you were to apologize to me,
then I would revoke your suspension.
I don't think an apology is enough.
I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension.
And I gotta take this bad attitude
and I gotta go home and I got to adjust it.
Oh, come on. I hope the suspension does that.
Yeah. Prideful idiots.
Watch how it's done. Gabriel, I apologize.
Great.
I kneel before you.
Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology.
Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.
Guys, to... To err is human.
Trust is the most important thing to me.
Is your name Andy Bernard?
What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein?
Will you stop walking for one second?
That's it. There's no other secrets, okay?
I mean, yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless,
and my parents pay my credit card bill.
How long were you guys together?
A year.
A year?
You were together for a year?
Yeah. But that's it. Now you know everything about me.
I promise. And if I think of anything else...
I think I have to be on my own for a little bit.
Like that girl Precious in Precious, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. Okay?
I didn't see that movie.
That was ugly. I'm sorry that you had to see that.
Well, do they still get paid?
It's tacky to discuss finances.
It's best to pretend that this never happened.
Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.
Yeah. Pathetic.
Can I buy everyone coffees?
Or cookies!
- What was that? - So gross.
Are you kidding me?
Was that an impression? All right.
"Guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in,
"because corporate told me to.
"I just want you to know, I laugh like a crazy person."
Okay, you gotta be able to...
You gotta be able to laugh at yourself here. One of the gang.
"I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit."
Yeah.
"Ciao. " Right? "Ciao.
"I say ciao 'cause I'm fancy from Tallahassee."
Why don't we say ciao to the impressions?
Ciao.
Stick insect.
God.
Erin? Oh.
Sorry. I thought everyone was gone.
No, no. I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded.
Do you mind if I sit down?
Yeah.
What's...
I can't trust Andy anymore.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that.
It's Andy's fault.
Well, yeah. Yes. So... But I still feel sorry.
You know what? I wouldn't worry about Angela. She's...
She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin.
She's old enough to be your mom, for one thing,
and she's, like, three feet tall,
And she wears pioneer women clothing,
and I don't think she's ever pooped in her life.
And Andy? You know... Come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis.
Oh, I like his butt.
You said butt.
You tricked me.
You'd love...
This... This guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore.
This is him. "Hey! Hey, Scott..."
Sometimes telling someone something is hard.
Well, at least somebody made her happy on Secretary's Day.
Hey, Kevin, it's Oscar. I'm looking at the sheet you sent me,
and I can't seem to find the column for shipping costs...
I made the most brilliant retaliation video.
It is so awesome.
I don't get it.
Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice.
Thank you.
Yeah, "I want to count to 10."
Yeah.
But Oscar is an accountant,
and the Count counts numbers.
You're an accountant, too, so it doesn't...
Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch?
That would have been funny. That would have been funny.
But the Count is purple, and Oscar wears purple.
Oh! Oh! I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? Oscar!
And the Count! Nailed him. Nailed him! Good work, Cookie Monster.
Thank you.