The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 18 - The Delivery: Part 2 - full transcript

Pam's doing great. Uh,
she's 10 inches dilated now.

Sorry, meters...
Centimeters.

And she's also fully effaced,
which I don't know what that is.

But no baby yet. It's only
been six... Nineteen hours.

And I was sent out
for some ice chips

because I might have
passed out a little bit,

but these are very
refreshing, very...

Daddy?
She's ready to push.

Okay!

Where's my little niblet?
Halpert, room D1. All right.

Family only beyond
this point. Thank you.



Here we go.

Doing great.
Push again!

Not yet.

No, don't push.
Pull! Pull!

Why don't you get
some more ice chips?

No, Jim, stay!

Okay.
Really push this time, Pam.

Okay.

Nope. Not yet.
Not yet. Not yet.

Gotta go wash my eyes.

That kid's gonna
have a lot of hair.

Have you guys seen her?
She hasn't popped yet.

What? Damn it! She was
supposed to come out yesterday.

I decided to
give Baby Halpert



the newspaper from
the day she was born.

This frame set
me back 55 bones.

But she decided to
take her sweet time,

so now I have to switch it
with today's paper.

This is ridiculous.
We just can't wait here.

I think it's gonna
be any minute now.

But you don't know that. We could
be here another half an hour.

Phyllis, what could
you possibly have to do?

I have an ice cream
cake in the car.

Oh, my God! Go! Go! Go!
Are you insane? All right.

Guys? Hello?

You're doing
great. Just relax. Um...

Sorry to be a bother, but if we could
have an ETA when this is gonna...

You're kind of
losing them.

God!

Oh, my God.
Look at her.

The baby,
she's so beautiful.

Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's
right. It's a baby, see?

Sir.

Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Okay.

Put it out.
All right.

Can't smoke
anywhere these days.

She's incredible.

You want to count her
fingers and toes again?

No, let's let her rest. I'm
sure there are still 12 of each.

Okay.

Guys, guys!

Her name is
Cecelia Marie Halpert.

Eleven pounds,
four...

She's seven pounds, two
ounces, 18 inches. Seven pounds.

Mother and daughter
are doing great.

Congratulations.
That's great.

There.

Hey, Grandma's back.

Well, it was an adventure and a
half trying to find the cafeteria,

but I have returned
with the coffee. Great.

Thank God. I haven't had
caffeine in nine months.

- May I?
- Yes.

Somebody has
a full diaper.

Oh. Let me get it.

I am a diapering master.

I have done little else
in the past two months.

There is nothing
I cannot diaper.

Go ahead. Try to think
of something. I dare you.

Where's
the baby? I want to see the baby.

Oh! Oh.

Helene, hi.

Oh, my goodness. What
are the odds of this?

Congratulations
on being a grandma.

Hello, Michael.
Hello.

Oh. How are you?

I worry about you.

You know, I think
it's time for me to go.

Oh. Okay.

Love you.

Love you as a friend.

Love you, Mom.

Oh!

I want to hold the baby.

Okay, you just have to use
the hand sanitizer first.

Oh, right.

Again. No pants.

Oh. Okay.

Ready?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, wow.

Michael. Michael.

That's so weird. She was saying
it just before you got here.

Yesterday I was dispatched to
Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod.

I searched everywhere,
but I didn't find it.

What I did find was mold,
and lots of it.

So, I did what
anyone would do.

I read a book, had a bath,
I got a good night's sleep,

and I made plans
to eradicate it.

I also made plans to ask Jim where
he bought his marvelous sheets.

Time to get to work.

There she sat.
Her name was Pam.

She was a receptionist. She
was engaged to an animal.

There sat Jim. He was
a gawky, tall salesman.

The odds of them getting
together were insurmountainable.

I made a family. I got these
two together and I made a family.

This man has a gift.

Who else here is single?

I'm not single.
I have a man.

I am offering up my
services to you all.

You saw what I did with Pam
and Jim. I can help you, too.

Why don't you find
someone for yourself

instead of meddling
in our affairs?

Okay, show of hands. Who
wants to live in a world

where Stanley has two lovers
and you don't have any?

Who else? Come on.
People, I know models.

Plus-size
models, maybe.

You got that right. Meredith?
Come on. You're obviously single.

You know it. I am never getting married.

Like Clooney.

Andrew? What about you?

Torn scrotum.
Still on the mend, so...

Not good timing.

Yes, I'm gonna ask out Erin. I'm
just waiting for the stars to align.

Literally.

I have a small
skylight in my bedroom,

and I'd like for
the moon to be visible.

Well, when you least
expect it, expect it.

I am going to fill the empty
voids in your life with love.

I am going to fill
that empty hole

in your body
with another person.

And like Cupid, I am going
to shoot you with love.

Remember yesterday, when we
were terrified of being parents?

We were just kids.
What did we know?

Hey, how we doing?

Good.
Great.

Would you like me to take her
to the nursery for the night?

Doesn't she sleep here?
She can.

But a lot of parents
choose to have the baby

spend the first
night in the nursery

to get some rest.
You've been through a lot.

I think
we'll be okay.

Okay, great.

Big yawn.

Ready, one, two, three.

One, and
then wrap around.

It's okay.

I don't understand.
Hold that arm down.

I can't. She's too strong.
Careful, though.

You don't want
to break it.

She's not
going to... Just...

I got it. All right.
- Go. Go.

I'm done.
Nurse?

How you doing?

I don't know.

I just... I can't tell
if she's getting anything.

Really?

It doesn't feel right.

Well, you're pushing
the milk out, right?

How would one do that?

Well, isn't it kind
of like... Like that?

Do you want to try it, Jim? Mmm-mmm.

I think you're good.
Doing a good job.

Somebody buzzed?

Oh, really?
Must have sat on it, Pam.

I can't tell if
she's getting anything.

It just doesn't
really feel right.

Well, maybe we should take
a break for a little while.

I can take her
to the nursery

and then bring her back and
try again a little bit later.

Even if she's not
getting anything?

Yeah, she'll be fine.

I can always give her a bottle
once we're in the nursery.

No. I read in the book
about nipple confusion.

Oh, good.
You know everything.

I mean, she's just really
tentative about latching,

and I just want to
keep her self-esteem up.

I'll bring her back in a little
while and we can try again, okay?

All right.
All right.

It's gonna be all right.

Yeah, maybe it'll
be good 'cause then

she can, like, socialize
with the other babies.

No, yeah,
that would be good.

You wanted to see me?

What would you say

if I told you that I was
about to change your life?

Oh, boy!

What's that sound?

Ta-da!

I would like you to meet
your new boyfriend.

Yes.

I don't know
what to say.

Say nothing. You will learn to love me.

Okay, hold on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You got to let
the cookies cool

before you pop them in your mouth. Okay.

Why don't you guys get to know each
other, maybe have lunch together?

Erin, would you
have lunch with me?

Okay.

Good.
Yes!

Michael, can I talk
to you privately?

Sure. Kevin, please leave.

Bye.
- Bye.

I'm so sorry if I
gave you the impression

that I'm into Kevin,
but I'm not. I like Andy.

Okay.
This is going to kill Kevin.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

I'm not so sure.

Kevin has an
enormous heart.

Literally, he has
an elephant heart.

He had a transplant
when he was 17.

Had some problems... Really?

No. Kevin doesn't have an elephant
heart, but he is very sensitive,

and it won't kill Erin to just go and
have lunch with him in the break room,

like I promised him.

I bet his heart
is enlarged, though.

I don't want
anyone to die.

Just don't let
him sit on you.

I'm kidding.
You'll have fun.

It'll be good. It'll
be good. There he is.

Go to him.

Hi.
Hi.

Nice. She touched
my shoulder.

Hey, guys. We're short on
rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.

Oh.

Hi.
Hi.

Sorry.
Hi. So sorry.

Careful.

Wow, she just shoves
the nipple right in there.

I know.

Did you see that?
I'm pretty sure she's...

Hey.

Did you grow up
around here?

No.

So, you must have grown up
around somewhere else?

Yes.

Why was I hiding
behind the plant?

Well, in college
I took a botany class,

and there was lots of
drama in that class. Uh...

Kids would gossip about me,
so I would eavesdrop on them

by hiding behind different
plants in the botany class.

And then they
would say things like,

"Oh, this guy's gonna
fail this class,"

or, "What's this guy doing
spying on us from behind plants?"

And then I would
jump out at them

and confront them
and be like,

"You think all I do is hide behind
plants and spy on people? Busted."

Oh. The reason?

The reason I was hiding behind
that plant in this situation

was that I thought that Erin and
Kevin were kind of hitting it off,

and I was jealous.

Uh, hi. Pam Halpert?

Yes.

Hi, I'm Clarke.

Josie said you might benefit
from a lactation consultant.

Yep.

Um, yeah,
that would be great.

Really great.
When's she available?

Actually, I'm the consultant.

Got milk?

All right, let's see
what we're working with.

So, the biggest thing besides not
being able to get her to latch...

I'll get that for you.
Oh, thank you.

...is that I can't tell
if I'm really producing.

I don't know if she's
getting anything.

Let me feel here.
Okay.

Yeah,
it's quite full.

Why don't you put your
hand on top of my hand?

Okay. When you're feeding you want

to press in like this, make
your hand in a C. Does that hurt?

No, it feels pressure.
Okay.

You sure it doesn't hurt? No.

It just feels like pressure.

Feel how I'm flicking
the nipple? PAM: Mmm-hmm.

Like that? It's stimulated. Mmm-hmm.

Yep. Yep.
- Mmm-hmm.

So you just want
to do that and that will...

Perfect.

The baby
should grab onto that.

I think she will.

I'm just not sure if I'm releasing,
though. I'm not sure if...

We'll figure it out,
probably. CLARKE: It doesn't...

Why don't you bring
your baby over here?

Okay.

She's beautiful. Yes.

Oh, thank you.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

Well, you're doing a good
job. Just stay relaxed

and I'll come back in a
bit to check on you. Okay?

Okay.
Please do.

Oh, shoot. Shoot,
she fell off.

Oh. Uh...

Try the torpedo thing.

Will you just grab
Clarke real quick?

No need. I saw him
do it. I can try it.

Jim, please, please, please. I think
it would be weird if you did it.

That makes sense. I'll
just go get the other guy.

Hey, what's up, kid?

Have you had a chance to look over the
revisions on the contract I prepared for you?

Nothing left to do except dot
the I's, the J's and the umlauts.

Why don't you meet me here
at exactly mid-late afternoon?

I look forward to it.

Very well.

Goodbye.

Jim. Jim, get her.

Hmm?

Get the baby.
Get her, come on.

Okay.
I know, I know.

Okay. Come here.

All right.
I got her.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Jim. She latched.
She latched!

That's amazing.

Oh, my God. I didn't even
have to do the C thing.

That's awesome.

Oh! We're doing it.

That's great.

We're really parents now.

Kevin, Erin would like
a few words with you.

Hey.
Hi.

I've really enjoyed
our time together.

Yeah. Me, too.

I want to continue
working on our friendship...

It was really, really fun.

...'cause I think our friendship
could be a really cool thing.

Yeah. Me, too.

And you're my friend.

Yeah. I hope that I'm your friend.

Yeah.
And...

Oh, my God.
This is agonizing.

Look, Kevin, do you really think
that you could have dated Erin?

You said she liked me.

Okay, even if someone told
you that, you should know

that that could
never be possible, Kevin.

And I'm surprised that you didn't
question me in the first place.

I've done better
than Erin.

No, you haven't.

Lynn was way hotter
than Erin, Michael.

Lynn was as hot as Erin.

Yeah, Michael, but
you dated Holly and Jan

and they were so
much hotter than you.

This isn't about me,
and that is debatable,

and I have a personality,
whereas you...

Yes, Andy?

Kev.

Nice going.

Knock-knock.

Oh, hey, Isabel.

Oh, hey.

Pam, she's gorgeous.
Can I hold her?

Yes.

She was a little
fussy earlier,

but she's totally
quieted down.

Here. Let me just burp her. I
don't want her to spit up on you.

Look at you.
Come here, sweetie.

Oh, my God.
- What?

Wrong baby.
What?

Wrong baby.
This is not our baby!

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Has she been
fussing long?

No. Not at all.
Perfect.

I was out like a light. Hey!

She's not hungry.

How's it going?
Well,

I feel like she needs to eat,
but she just won't latch on,

which is weird,
because the other baby...

Bottles are fine. A lot of
babies grow up using bottles.

So, you excited to
take your baby home?

We definitely are.
At 3:00, right?

You said we could
stay until 3:00?

Yeah. You can.

It's 2:35.
Half hour.

Well, 25 minutes.

And you're all set
with the car seat?

Yes. Car seat's
right there.

That bottom part
needs to go in the car.

Newsflash, the whole thing
needs to go in the car.

Be back in 25 minutes.

Or it can be a half hour,
if you need it to be.

Can we get
a late checkout?

I don't think
she heard me.

Hello?

Dwight? What...
What are you doing here?

Isabel, hello.

Yeah, the kitchen
was disgusting, so...

Wow.

New cabinets.
Yeah.

All I did was bring
macaroni and cheese.

Where's the fridge?

Oh, it's in the backyard.
I'll take this.

Well, I'll let you
get back to it.

Hey, listen, I know that I'm an adult,

but maybe I could come by
sometime for a teeth cleaning?

You know, just for fun.

Well, adults are supposed
to go to the dentist, too.

Are they, now? How some
people spend their money, right?

Yeah.
All right.

I'll call you, kid.

Do that.

You really sure
we should be leaving?

Yeah.

But you hear the baby
crying, right? Mmm-hmm.

Where's your car?

It's in the lot.

A lot of fathers
bring the car around.

Right. Okay. Yes. That
would be a smart thing to do.

Uh, Pam,
I will be right back.

Okay, please hurry.

Erin, I need you to send
this fax immediately.

It's really important,
so I'm gonna stand here

and wait for
the confirmation.

Okay. Good.

The fax says, "Erin, will you
have dinner with me? From, Andy."

And the number is
our office fax number.

It's
busy. Why don't I keep trying

and then I'll give you
the confirmation in a bit?

Sorry.
That's unacceptable.

I need you to send it
immediately or you're fired.

You can't talk to me like that.
I didn't do anything wrong.

I've been
having a tough day.

Oh, God, no.

Um...

Just read the fax.

You read the fax.

I'm asking you out.

Oh, my God.
That's amazing!

Let me just fax this
and I'll check my planner.

So, it's a date?
Yes!

Do you have
a day in mind?

Yeah, what day?
What day?

Every day is fine.

What's that one?

Thursday?
Okay. Let's do it.

We... Okay!

Would you like me to help
you up out of the chair?

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

We've just got a lot
of discharges today.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks.

All right, thanks.

All right.

Hey. You want to eat?
You want to try eating?

Okay.

Okay. Come here.

Just you and me.
Just you and me. Come on.

There we go.

Yeah. Oh, yeah!

Like that. Oh.
There we go.

You got it.

Five tickets on
the windshield.

Hey.
Hi.

We did it.

You used my move,
didn't you?

I used a variation
of your move.

There is no
greater feeling

than when two people who
are perfect for each other

overcome all obstacles
and find true love.

And that's what I thought that Erin
and Kevin were going to find today.

I think I'm going
to be sick.

Two forms of ID, please.

And now you.
Two forms of ID, please.

All right, all is in order.
I just need your signature.

What is it?

Nothing.

All right. How would
you like to celebrate?

Just pour yourself a cup
of apple juice. I feel sick.

What?

I couldn't find your iPod.

Give me a couple days.
Be out of your hair.