The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 19 - St. Patrick's Day - full transcript

Hello, hello.
Top of the morning to you.
Green M&M's. Nature's Viagra.
Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't want to bring my friends.
Why can't it just be the two of us?
Because it's St. Patrick's Day. People go out in groups.
Well, why don't you invite your friends?
Why are you being so weird about this?
Stop fighting! Just on St. Patrick's Day, okay?
Just one perfect day a year.
No hassles, no problems, no kids.
Why no kids?
Yeah, where are your kids?
Nope. Uh-uh. Not today.
It is St. Patrick's Day,
and here in Scranton, that is a huge deal.
It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
Welcome back, Dad.
Oh, thank you.
Hey. - Hey.
Hey!
Welcome back, Tuna.
Hey.
Very good. Okay, we'll get back to you on that right away. Thanks.
What do we got here?
Mega-desk. Of course.
Command central. Mmm-hmm.
Surveillance, gaming and business.
Okay.
What? Come on. Jim!
Tweedledee and Tweedle Dumbass
have been away on maternity leave,
but now Tweedle Dumbass is back and we have a problem.
Yes, getting hooked on mega-desk was my own damn fault.
I don't care about assigning blame.
All I care about is mega-desk.
That is all I care about. Getting more mega-desk.
Oh, I love this. So much fun.
There's such team spirit in this room.
Morning, darling. Morning.
Well, this is my last day at the Scranton branch for a while,
but I'm leaving it in the very capable hands
of some of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
You know, I'm gonna miss this place,
and the snow.
Do my dogs love peeing in that snow!
Makes me think they're onto something.
Oh, good morning, sweetheart.
Good morning, honey pile.
I'm sorry, but is that a gift I see in your hands?
It is. This is a little something for you
to remember your time here in Scranton by.
Is that a lump of coal?
Yes, it is.
I haven't been that naughty.
No, no, no. That is a good gift, actually.
Buildings here in Scranton are literally powered by coal.
Uh... Thank you very much.
We don't get much coal down in Tallahassee.
I mean, just alligators
and some of the worst Chinese food you've ever tasted.
Mmm, that sounds great, actually.
Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods,
you got a place to stay.
When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters,
and I don't care if you're a loser or you practice bestiality,
if Jo likes you, you are in.
And I am in.
Erin Go Bragh.
Andy "Go Bragh" to you.
Nice kilt. Thanks.
It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt.
Erin and I have our first date tonight and it has to be perfect.
Why? Because according to How I Met Your Mother,
that's the date that your kids are gonna wait patiently to hear about,
and you better have a good story for them.
Nope. Great.
No. Thank you.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on. Come on. Five more minutes.
Five more minutes of mega-desk? Please?
Is this yours or mine?
They say that no man is an island.
False. I am an island, and this island is volcanic.
Mega-desk!
And it is about to erupt with the molten hot lava of strategy.
Good Lord. I can't believe I'm missing this.
It's kind of like that lip thing she did last night,
like a half-snarl, half-smile.
I get the sense that she's very ironic.
Okay. Love you. We'll talk soon.
Must be amazing being a father, right?
The miracle of life.
It is. Big time.
Ah, that baby is just discovering a whole wide world right now.
It's pretty amazing. What up is, what down is,
who Mom is, who Dad is.
Must be tough being here with all that going on.
It's tough being here for a lot of reasons.
I mean, you're here at work
and the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father.
Is that what happened to you?
I'll tell you what happened to me.
I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life.
I thought my mother was my father and my wet nurse was my mother.
And that's a common mistake.
Turned out fine for me. But Mose?
Oh, same story, different ending.
Hey, are you sick?
Oh, no, I'm fine. I just have a little indigestion.
In your nose? Yes.
I'm a little sick, but I don't want to miss my date with Andy.
I'll get better.
Whenever I'm sick it goes away within a few hours,
except once when I was in the hospital from age three to six.
Now, after all the talking I've been doing, it's your turn.
This is a town hall meeting. I want to hear what y'all sound like.
That is a great idea, J.B. Thank you.
You know, I get way too many ideas from the top.
Now, I want to hear your ideas.
I mean, did you guys know that Liquid Paper,
that wasn't invented by some fancy engineer.
No, that was created by a lowly typist.
Oh, Jo, I have an idea for suntan lotion soap.
You know, it doesn't have to be an invention.
I have a question.
Oscar, homosexual accountant.
In the training manual, it says that
there's a minority executive training program in Tallahassee.
I am so proud of Sabre's Print In All Colors initiative.
Any Sabre employee of color is welcome to apply, okay?
Darryl?
Darryl. Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse.
Okay, hush now. Okay.
The Sabre shipping method could be more efficient.
Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper,
but printers and paper ship differently.
It would be faster to deliver them separately
instead of waiting on everything to come in.
But you wouldn't need more trucks? I mean...
Not at all. There's a way it can be scheduled.
I sketched this out downstairs.
Well, look at you.
Look at that picture that you drew. Nice job.
We are very proud of you.
You know what? We are going to tape that up
on the refrigerator in the kitchen.
I like this, Darryl.
I like this a lot.
Maybe you should be doing your sketching upstairs.
Would you like an office up here?
Are you serious? Yeah.
Take Jim's old office.
Oh, I set my stuff up in there.
So, just give me a few minutes to clean it out for you.
Yeah. I want to hear more from you.
Absolutely.
All right. Yeah, thank you.
Okay. Any questions? Anything on anybody's mind?
I'm leaving tonight.
This is your last chance for a while.
No! Say it's not so, Jo! We're gonna miss you.
We are gonna miss you so much!
Don't go away!
Okay. Florida ain't that far away.
Well, I'm heading down there.
Well, anytime, now. So, who...
How about July 4th weekend?
Oh, honey, you didn't buy a ticket.
I did.
Oh, honey, I am not home very often,
and me and my relatives, they take up the guest house.
I think you should check with my office
before you book any dates, okay?
You know what? In the spirit of full disclosure,
I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats
on a bunch of different flights,
but there are a couple flights that only have two tickets left,
so I think we should pull the trigger...
Enough!
All right, everybody. Just try to put a brave face on.
Let's follow the chain of events.
Jo likes Michael,
Jo invites Michael to house,
Jo doesn't like Michael anymore.
Mmm.
Moving on up To the east side
To a deluxe apartment in the sky
Hello. I want you to stop what you're doing right now.
You are stressed and I am taking you to lunch.
No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set.
No is not an option.
Yes, it is.
All right, well, if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall.
Knock once for yes, twice for no.
How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?
Okay. I'll be over there.
And I'm actually pleased
to be able to offer you printer cartridges and toner now.
Jim. Yeah.
Jim, sorry to bother you. What?
My headphones are broken. Right.
Can I listen to my music at a low volume?
That's great. Great.
Okay. Yeah.
The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little boy...
When was the last time you updated your printer?
"When you coming home, Dad?" "I don't know when"
No. You need to stop now.
We'll be together then, now We're going to have a good time then
Whether it's this time or the next time.
The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
No, we can definitely talk about it...
You know what? Can I call you back? That'd be great. Thank you.
We'll be together then We're going to have a good time
No, I know I need to work, I just...
I feel weird not being home.
I am not surprised that Dwight's using my baby to steal my desk.
I'm a little surprised that it's working.
This fax came for you.
Oh, no, no, no. Are you feeling ill?
Oh, no, honey, if you've got a bug, I want you to go on home.
I can't have you getting Callie and Jo Junior sick.
These dogs have gotta be in a commercial with Dwight Howard next week.
Oh. No, I feel like I could lift a car.
Yeah, but you sound like death, girl.
Now, why don't you go on home,
take care of yourself, get in bed,
and shred that and have them send me a clean fax, all right?
Well...
She should go home. It's not the end of the world.
We'll go on a date next week.
She's still going to like me in a week, right?
Yes?
I was just working at my desk and I wanted to run some new leads by you.
Oh, you're sick.
Dang it.
That's exactly why I sent that receptionist home.
No, no, I'm not.
Getting everybody sick in the office.
I have some good ideas that...
I don't need any heroes here, honey.
It's time for you to go on home now.
You sure? Yeah.
You'll probably feel better once you get some pants on. Come on.
Very nice. Not bad, huh?
Real Hoop Dreams story you got there.
Oh, man, you seem to have caught Jo's eye.
How'd you make that happen?
I impressed her with my good ideas.
Seriously. How did you do it?
I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good.
You were there.
How do I put this delicately?
Does her family owe your family something in terms of a past injustice?
Now, Mike, I have to ask you to leave
so that I can learn about this tiny television.
Mmm, okay. All right.
Hey, there. Hey, there.
So, I think I'm done.
Gonna head out, unless you want to chat, like we were doing earlier.
Well, there's chatting time and there's working time,
and I'm still on working time.
Mmm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so...
Well, if you feel like you've done a solid day's work.
Right.
What?
Well, I mean, if you can put your name on this day
and be proud of the amount of work you've done,
then by all means, you should toodle on home.
Mmm...
Okay.
Is there something else I can help you with?
No, no, no, that's super clear-ish.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Just because Jo has no life
does not mean that the rest of us don't have lives.
Oscar has a life. I think Ryan has a life.
This is outrageous.
Hey, Pac-Man.
Hey, what's up, Butt Plug?
How you doing, stud? You're already there?
Dude, I've been here since 3:00.
I've boot and rallied twice.
How's the lady situation?
Fat and ugly.
You might actually have a chance.
Oh, damn, that sounds great.
Unfortunately I am stuck here because my boss is making us work late.
Oh, here's what you do. Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon,
borrow some balls and come meet me.
Yeah, maybe next year.
Maybe next queer.
Hey, ladies, who wants some bangers and mash?
Oh, Andy! Hi.
I'm in my jammy-jams.
That's okay. I'm in my worky-works.
You look amazing.
Thanks.
Come in. Okay.
Hey, me and Creed are in. Are you guys in?
Oh, I'm in. I'm in.
All right.
Oh, you don't become the most powerful woman in Tallahassee
by slacking off.
You do it by working hard.
Or marrying rich.
I did both.
Got a little client meeting at Shanny O'Gannigans tonight.
It shouldn't go all night long,
so if you'd like me to, I can swing by your house
so the baby can experience a strong male presence.
No? Nothing?
Okay, have fun working.
Hi there, Jo. Sorry to interrupt.
This evening I have...
Hello? Hey, Jo, it's Jim Halpert.
I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 with a very important client,
and it's so weird, 'cause we never have meetings after 5:00 p.m.,
but I was hoping that maybe just this once it would be okay.
Well, sure. You know, you go ahead and push some printers.
You know I will.
And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this.
Okay. Okay.
All right.
Sorry, sugar. What did you want?
Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting with a client.
I'm gonna just reschedule for next week.
Thank you.
Thanks again, by the way.
Hey, what are you fellows doing up here?
We're here to bust you out.
I wish, but I...
Dude, is your shirt tucked in?
Oh, yeah.
I must have did that when I used the bathroom.
All right, then. Let me get to it.
All right.
See you later.
Your hand's cold.
It is? I'm sorry. Yeah.
Have some more blanket.
Oh, thanks.
What's up?
You're awake?
Andy, this is my brother, Reed.
I didn't know you had a brother.
He's my foster brother.
Well, any brother of Erin's is a friend of mine.
Nice to meet you. Andy Bernard.
Cold hands.
Are we rotating seats or...
Yeah, you're the guest.
Go take the easy chair. Best seat in the house.
Plus, you don't have to sit next
to this big dork and her smelly feet.
Hey. My feet aren't smelly. They smell like roses. Smell them.
Whoa.
So how does the whole foster sibling thing work?
Do you guys share one parent or...
None. We were in the same house from ages 10 to 12
and then from 15 to 18.
Right. Formative years.
Nice skirt.
It's a kilt.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Yes, I am anxious to get out of work,
but let me be clear,
it's not to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.
It's so I can protest St. Patrick's Day.
Overnight all my damn bags home.
I'm carrying nothing but my sable gloves.
I've had it with Homeland Security.
And I want you to put all those tracking numbers in my BlackBerry.
How late are we gonna work tonight?
You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here until midnight,
sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.
Why does she do that?
Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?
Yeah. That'd be awesome. I could get a girlfriend.
I wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year.
But I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead.
Do I really want to turn out like Gabe?
Twenty-six, single,
tied to my desk, no life, no family.
I want to have been married by the time I would have turned 30.
That's just... That's just depressing.
Hello, Jo.
Anything I can do for you, pudding?
There is, as a matter of fact. It's getting sort of late.
It's 8:30 and it's St. Patrick's Day,
which is a world ethnic holiday,
so I have decided I'm going to dismiss my employees.
Hmm.
I'm thrilled with the work they've done today,
both the quality and the quantity.
Great performance. Very, very solid all the way around.
All right, then.
Okay. Happy St. Patrick's Day.
And also,
I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to Tallahassee,
although I do look forward to our professional relationship.
Michael? Yes?
I look forward to that, too.
Oh.
It's coming down out there. Yes.
Thank you for coming all the way here.
No, no. My pleasure. I'm sorry I was so sick.
Great. Now I'm gonna get sick.
Excuse me! Excuse me! Hey, guys, how are you?
Drinks are on me.
No, no, no, put your credit cards away! It's on us.
All right!
Did I mess up my career today
or my future prospects at Sabre?
I don't know. There is a chance, yes.
I'll tell you, I love my job,
but Jo wants me to put on a show for her and pretend to work late?
Nah.
I spent all day trying to make her like me,
but I forgot to ask myself something.
Do I even like her?
As the Irish poet Bobby McFerrin said, "Don't worry, be happy."
Whoops.
Okay. Okay. All right.
Best night ever.
What the hell is going on back there?
Yeah. We should be able to have that over to you by Monday.
Yeah, no problem.
Thank you.
What the hell is this?
Oh! This is not mega-desk.
No, it's not. They call it "quad-desk."
That's ridiculous. This is made up of three desks.
Oh, my God.
We're gonna have to rename it then, aren't we?
Hello. Dwight Schrute.