The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 17 - The Delivery: Part 1 - full transcript
Pam goes into labor and Jim is ready to take her to the hospital, but she refuses to go. Meanwhile, inspired by Pam and Jim's baby, Dwight and Angela try to reach a "business agreement" to have a baby of their own.
I just wanted to check and see
if there was anything you needed
before I went on my maternity leave.
Yeah. I'm pregnant.
Great. Well, I'll write up the order.
Wait a minute. Okay, thanks.
You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Hey, did I tell you we're gonna have a baby?
Thank you very much. I'm excited... Oh.
Definitely. No. No!
You need to come by your sales honorably.
There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life.
People like it.
Hey, there. Dwight Schrute here.
Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper?
Yeah, I could sure use the money.
My cousin came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus.
Oh, it's just horrific.
The doctor says he's never seen it beard so quickly.
Okay.
I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one.
Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life.
Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.
Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
I cooked my way through Julia Child's cookbook,
and now I'm halfway through The Twilight Cookbook.
Last night, I had Edward's cornflake chicken.
Hmm.
Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times,
so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals.
Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch and first dinner.
I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner.
One last ultra feast.
Mmm. That sounds great. What are you thinking?
I think it should be a surprise.
Getting there, huh?
No, no. I still have time.
I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart.
So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Yeah. We're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
If we check in after midnight,
I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
Not to mention the extra night's sleep
in the hospital will be very nice,
because once we bring the baby home,
if it's crying all night, one of us is gonna have to take care of it,
and I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
Oh.
Contraptions! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what?
I think that I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why.
I am a licensed Class C driver in the state of Pennsylvania.
Michael. I gassed up the car.
Actually, I put diesel in this time. Tried to save some money.
Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Happy to do it.
Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.
You know the baby's not gonna live here, right?
Well, the baby was conceived here,
so might as well live here a little bit, too.
Mmm. That logic's airtight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here.
Burning Man, Porta Potty.
Yuck! TMI. How was it?
I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital!
Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital.
We are waiting until midnight.
Ooh! Spooky. But why?
Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Everything's fine. We have plenty of time.
Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam.
Otherwise the baby's gonna become a teenager in there,
and you'll be up all night from the rock music.
Shut up, Nick. God! What a weird thing to say.
Weird IT nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
What are you looking at?
Nerd.
Did you know that labor can last weeks?
Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table,
and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.
Bear my child.
Excuse me?
I want to have a child for business reasons
and I want you to be the mother.
If you agree, say nothing.
If you disagree, say anything.
Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 p.m.
In our old meeting spot and bang it out.
That's seven minutes. Here we go.
Hold on. Hold on. This is happening.
It isn't midnight yet.
Are you serious? Pam.
No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.
I'm gonna be okay. We should really try to make it to midnight.
Pam, please.
Yeah, no, you really should,
'cause if your baby's born tomorrow,
he's gonna have the same birthday
as Buttmud Brooks, my old roommate.
Did you hear that? Buttmud Brooks.
Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Five minutes apart.
So the plan was seven minutes, but we're calling an audible,
because that's her call, 'cause she's the quarterback.
I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay. Stop watching me.
Okay, Crazy.
I think I have some better things to do with my day
than worry about you. Like sell printers.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, now until Friday, 20% off all toner cartridges, that's a big deal.
While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital
and just do a quick check?
Not till midnight.
Guys, a word of advice, speaking as a former baby.
Don't get too hung up on baby names.
I was named Walter Junior after my father,
until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.
I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Junior.
My brother was born
and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Junior name,
so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew,
which they got out of a baby-name book.
You know what? It's getting really crowded in here.
Maybe you guys should all go back to work 'cause the day's not out yet.
No, no, no. You know what?
You can't tell us what to do
because you are not co-manager anymore.
Yes!
I feel like this noise is gonna prevent Pam
from being able to listen to her body's signals.
Actually, the distractions are good.
I don't think I'm gonna make it till midnight
if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.
Distractions are good!
That means conference room, five minutes. No, no, five seconds!
Right now, right now, conference room.
Topic, potpourri. Let's go!
Um, I'm sort of a master of distraction.
When I was a kid, my mom received compliments
left and right from my teachers
on how I was always able to distract others in class.
Try to think, "What were the first 13 colonies?"
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
The purpose for this meeting
is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.
Can we do sleight-of-hand tricks?
I will allow that.
Yes! Can anyone do those?
I'm gonna go look at the Internet.
All right. That's a good one.
Okay.
Sorry, guys. Just keep talking.
Okay.
Oh, God, Pam. You are a woman warrior.
Oh. Thanks, Kelly.
Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies?
Uh, special skills?
Yes, this is the only time
I'm ever going to make this request. Yeah, Phyl.
Yeah. I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does
in The Breakfast Club.
No, no. I don't think anybody wants to see that.
I can do the Evolution of Dance dance.
That sounds good. Do you need some music or...
No, actually, music would just throw me off.
Okay. I need complete silence, okay?
You're clapping. I need complete silence.
Totally threw me off, so I'm gonna have to start over.
The Evolution of Dance dance.
"You let me in your bed But now I sleep alone
"Trapped with the forgotten In my detritus home"
Affirmed, Seattle Slew, Secretariat, Citation,
Assault, Count Fleet, Whirlaway, War Admiral, Omaha, Gallant Fox.
And... I know this.
Uh, the jockey was Johnny Loftus, sired by Star Shoot.
Good afternoon.
Have a seat.
What is this?
Before we conceive a child,
it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Of course.
It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
You know, I was thinking...
Now then, let's get to it, shall we?
Ltem one. Child will be breastfed by the mother
for exactly six months,
then weaned onto a nutrient-rich, winter vegetable mash
provided by the father, Dwight Schrute,
hereafter referred to as Morpheus.
Agreed? Agreed.
Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen.
Another 75 contractions and you are going to be there.
For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go give Dr. Rezvani a quick call.
He'll probably know...
Jim, please, happy thoughts here.
Happy times. Yeah, happy times. Come on.
Let's have happy times. All right.
Jim, as a matter of fact,
I've printed out 10 ways to induce labor,
and I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things
and we can slow down your labor.
Erin, read the first one.
"Stimulate the nipples."
Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples.
Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
I have a shirt like that in my car.
Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?
Okay, uh, the second one is "walk around."
We're already doing the opposite of that.
Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods.
Okay, the opposite of that.
Stick spicy food up her butt.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Come on. Let's go to the hospital. PAM: Jim. Jim.
Pam, let's go to the hospital now. Sweetie, I love you,
but you're really distracting me from my distractions. Mmm-hmm.
Okay, great. Well, sorry.
Why don't you go do some work?
Great. I will do that.
Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled, and you know
how very rarely I use that word. I know.
"Frazzled." You don't like to be frazzled.
No, I don't. - Okay.
Oh. And by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally.
Someone's freaking.
Getting a little frazzled.
Yeah, he is.
I know Pam better than anyone in this office,
and obviously she's gone crazy,
but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy.
But I'm not crazy. She's crazy. I'm not crazy. She's crazy.
"Five to seven minutes."
"Five to seven minutes."
"Six minutes." Different, but not really.
"Five to seven minutes."
Acceptable names include, and are limited to,
Ebenezer. Jebediah.
Honus. Jedediah.
Worf.
No Star Trek names.
Okay. Fine.
What if it's a girl?
Irrelevant question.
Section 5A. "Child shall be male."
Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that.
You can't put that in here. Yes, you can.
No. It's as simple as keeping the womb
extremely warm for two days after sex,
and then extremely cold for five months.
Absolutely not.
Hey. Hey.
Oh.
I'm not gonna get in the car,
'cause I know if I do, you'll try to drive me to the hospital.
Ah!
You know me too well.
Okay, Jim. Yeah.
Everything is fine.
Totally. You don't have to worry.
Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay?
Did you say "she"?
I called the doctor, like, a week ago. I couldn't wait.
Oh, God, don't be mad.
Mad?
How could I be mad? We're having a little girl.
Mmm-hmm.
Wow. We're having a little girl.
Man! I know.
Whoo! All right.
Well, I definitely feel better. Good.
Yeah. All right. Okay.
Hey, did you change?
Oh, yeah. My water broke.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh! Whoa!
Pam? Pam! Okay. All right.
Okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please.
Is it midnight yet? No, it's 4:35.
4:35. All right. Almost made it. Almost made it.
Too bad you didn't have sex, like, seven-and-a-half hours later.
But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand.
Sometimes you have to go for it.
Let's go to the hospital, shall we?
No. Not yet, Michael.
We can do it.
Oh, wow! It's almost time for ultra feast.
Where's Kevin? What?
You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
That's Fancy Feast. Ultra feast is something they made up
so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
What is October Feast?
There is no rush to get to the hospital. I'm fine. I'll get there.
And if I don't get there, I don't get there.
Our ultra feast menu's theme,
Hollywood.
We have ratatouille from Ratatouille,
and tandoori chicken from Born Into Brothels.
I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I...
Are you okay?
Mmm.
Yes. I'm fine.
Are you sure?
Yeah, the doctor said that it's still considered a minor contraction
as long as I can talk through it.
Okay. Okay. Jim?
I think this feast is over... JIM: All right.
...and it's time to go to the hospital. Time to go.
No. That's right.
Let's do this. Let's give it a shot.
No, it's better. - Here we go.
That wasn't even the worst of them. I'm fine. JIM: Hey, come on.
They're not that bad still. Let's go to the hospital.
Pam. No, it's passing, it's fine.
Pam, it's time. Let's go to the hospital. Let's go, Pam.
It's okay. Michael says we should go now.
Yeah, I think we should head out. PAM: It's fine.
Pam. You know what? It passed. It's good.
Absolutely fine. Come on. Let's go. We gotta go.
Babe, I'm not going. We need to go.
It's fine. Hey, come on. We really gotta go.
No. I'm not going! I am not going, okay?
All right.
I'm not going today because I can't do it! I don't think I can do it!
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding?
If anyone can do this, you can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Pam, I'm scared.
I'm real scared. I'm scared, too.
I'm petrified.
But the best news is,
we're gonna have a baby today.
Yeah.
A really awesome baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
So let's have it at the hospital.
Let's do that.
How are we doing on contractions? Two minutes apart.
Two minutes. Oh, God.
Oh, no. I thought I told you...
It's okay. No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.
Jim, we waited too long. I know.
We waited too long. Two minutes doesn't do us any good.
What happened to four and three? MICHAEL: We're okay, Jim.
Okay, Pamela, you know what time it is?
I don't want to have my baby here.
You know... You're not going to.
You know where you're going? The hospital.
Yes you are, and you know what you're gonna have?
A baby. Yes.
We're going to the hospital and we're gonna have a baby.
I got it! I got it! Everybody, it's go time!
Action station! Stanley, man the phones!
Meredith, please grab a bottle of water.
Erin, call an ambulance, please!
No, no, no.
Ambulances are emergencies only.
You call the ambulance, I call the cops.
All right, we're driving ourselves, actually. MICHAEL: No, Jim.
You are in no condition to drive.
I will drive you. Check. Got it.
All right, I have my wallet. MICHAEL: Yes.
Go bag's in the car. Go bag? Where's my go bag?
Keys. I need my keys! Where's my go bag?
There's nothing in it.
You are telling me now that there is nothing in it! Okay, great.
Should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
The hospital will provide dictionaries.
Bring the thesaurus.
Did anyone check how dilated she is?
This is ridiculous. Dwight, get away.
No, no, no, Dwight, let Jim do that, please. Okay?
I didn't know we had a tape measure.
"We" don't.
Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys!
Found them. They're here. Here we go. Here we go.
- Here we go! - Good luck!
- Good luck, Pam. - Bye, Pam.
Thank you! Wish me luck!
Have fun!
Hey, it's 5:00.
Here we go. Here we go. On our way.
Hold it.
Come on, Stanley. Okay.
We're going now. No. One more.
Can I... No, no, no, no! Out, out, out! Idiot!
Dwight, what is the traffic like?
Doesn't matter. I'll escort you!
All right.
Let's go! - Easy, Dwight.
Michael! What?
Michael! What?
This is where I saw that deer last week.
Where? Right over by that fence.
By the bushes? Okay, Michael, focus!
Okay, go, go, go! Guys, come on!
Let's go!
I love escorting people.
In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service.
Got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.
All right, here we go. You're doing great.
Okay, just breathe.
She'll be here soon.
She? You found out?
Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised.
Michael! Yeah?
Stop texting. Put your phone away! Michael, come on!
I'm texting about you, okay?
Come on!
All right.
Let's move!
What? POLICE OFFICER: Pull over.
You're kidding me!
Pull over.
You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer.
Don't make this difficult, Dwight.
Wait! Wait, my iPod's not in here. Okay.
It has the birth song on it.
Okay, I know, but my iPod is in the go bag.
We'll be fine. Jim, I don't want the first thing
the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.
Okay, so what do you want to do? I don't know.
Let's go by the house and get it.
It's only 20 minutes past the hospital.
Pam, no. Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now.
Guys, guys, stop fighting. Come on.
Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer?
Right?
Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. Ready?
Dwight Schrute.
Hello, Dwight.
Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by,
pick it up and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday.
Then why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday?
I kept IM-ing you how bored I was.
Okay. Dwight!
Go to my house, get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table.
Do not touch anything else.
The key is under... I don't need a key.
Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen, it's under the...
No, don't. Don't. Don't tell me.
Dwight, just listen. It's underneath...
Okay. You all right?
Yeah.
Do you have everything, guys?
Michael, just go park the car.
Okay. All right.
Sir! Dunder Mifflin. It's okay.
You can't park here.
I just did.
Pam's doing great. Uh, she's 10 inches dilated now.
Sorry, meters... Centimeters.
And she's also fully effaced, which I don't know what that is.
But no baby yet. It's only been six... Nineteen hours.
And I was sent out for some ice chips
because I might have passed out a little bit,
but these are very refreshing, very...
Daddy? She's ready to push.
Okay!
Where's my little niblet? Halpert, room D1. All right.
Family only beyond this point. Thank you.
Here we go.
Doing great. Push again!
Not yet.
No, don't push. Pull! Pull!
Why don't you get some more ice chips?
No, Jim, stay!
Okay. Really push this time, Pam.
Okay.
Nope. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.
Gotta go wash my eyes.
That kid's gonna have a lot of hair.
Have you guys seen her? She hasn't popped yet.
What? Damn it! She was supposed to come out yesterday.
I decided to give Baby Halpert
the newspaper from the day she was born.
This frame set me back 55 bones.
But she decided to take her sweet time,
so now I have to switch it with today's paper.
This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here.
I think it's gonna be any minute now.
But you don't know that. We could be here another half an hour.
Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Oh, my God! Go! Go! Go! Are you insane? All right.
Guys? Hello?
You're doing great. Just relax. Um...
Sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna...
You're kind of losing them.
God!
Oh, my God. Look at her.
The baby, she's so beautiful.
Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see?
Sir.
Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Okay.
Put it out. All right.
Can't smoke anywhere these days.
She's incredible.
You want to count her fingers and toes again?
No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there are still 12 of each.
Okay.
Guys, guys!
Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.
Eleven pounds, four...
She's seven pounds, two ounces, 18 inches. Seven pounds.
Mother and daughter are doing great.
Congratulations. That's great.
There.
Hey, Grandma's back.
Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria,
but I have returned with the coffee. Great.
Thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months.
- May I? - Yes.
Somebody has a full diaper.
Oh. Let me get it.
I am a diapering master.
I have done little else in the past two months.
There is nothing I cannot diaper.
Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.
Where's the baby? I want to see the baby.
Oh! Oh.
Helene, hi.
Oh, my goodness. What are the odds of this?
Congratulations on being a grandma.
Hello, Michael. Hello.
Oh. How are you?
I worry about you.
You know, I think it's time for me to go.
Oh. Okay.
Love you.
Love you as a friend.
Love you, Mom.
Oh!
I want to hold the baby.
Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first.
Oh, right.
Again. No pants.
Oh. Okay.
Ready? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, wow.
Michael. Michael.
That's so weird. She was saying it just before you got here.
Yesterday I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod.
I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it.
What I did find was mold, and lots of it.
So, I did what anyone would do.
I read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep,
and I made plans to eradicate it.
I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets.
Time to get to work.
There she sat. Her name was Pam.
She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal.
There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman.
The odds of them getting together were insurmountainable.
I made a family. I got these two together and I made a family.
This man has a gift.
Who else here is single?
I'm not single. I have a man.
I am offering up my services to you all.
You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.
Why don't you find someone for yourself
instead of meddling in our affairs?
Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world
where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any?
Who else? Come on. People, I know models.
Plus-size models, maybe.
You got that right. Meredith? Come on. You're obviously single.
You know it. I am never getting married.
Like Clooney.
Andrew? What about you?
Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so...
Not good timing.
Yes, I'm gonna ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align.
Literally.
I have a small skylight in my bedroom,
and I'd like for the moon to be visible.
Well, when you least expect it, expect it.
I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love.
I am going to fill that empty hole
in your body with another person.
And like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.
Remember yesterday, when we were terrified of being parents?
We were just kids. What did we know?
Hey, how we doing?
Good. Great.
Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?
Doesn't she sleep here? She can.
But a lot of parents choose to have the baby
spend the first night in the nursery
to get some rest. You've been through a lot.
I think we'll be okay.
Okay, great.
Big yawn.
Ready, one, two, three.
One, and then wrap around.
It's okay.
I don't understand. Hold that arm down.
I can't. She's too strong. Careful, though.
You don't want to break it.
She's not going to... Just...
I got it. All right. - Go. Go.
I'm done. Nurse?
How you doing?
I don't know.
I just... I can't tell if she's getting anything.
Really?
It doesn't feel right.
Well, you're pushing the milk out, right?
How would one do that?
Well, isn't it kind of like... Like that?
Do you want to try it, Jim? Mmm-mmm.
I think you're good. Doing a good job.
Somebody buzzed?
Oh, really? Must have sat on it, Pam.
I can't tell if she's getting anything.
It just doesn't really feel right.
Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while.
I can take her to the nursery
and then bring her back and try again a little bit later.
Even if she's not getting anything?
Yeah, she'll be fine.
I can always give her a bottle once we're in the nursery.
No. I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Oh, good. You know everything.
I mean, she's just really tentative about latching,
and I just want to keep her self-esteem up.
I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay?
All right. All right.
It's gonna be all right.
Yeah, maybe it'll be good 'cause then
she can, like, socialize with the other babies.
No, yeah, that would be good.
You wanted to see me?
What would you say
if I told you that I was about to change your life?
Oh, boy!
What's that sound?
Ta-da!
I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Yes.
I don't know what to say.
Say nothing. You will learn to love me.
Okay, hold on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You got to let the cookies cool
before you pop them in your mouth. Okay.
Why don't you guys get to know each other, maybe have lunch together?
Erin, would you have lunch with me?
Okay.
Good. Yes!
Michael, can I talk to you privately?
Sure. Kevin, please leave.
Bye. - Bye.
I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression
that I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy.
Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
I'm not so sure.
Kevin has an enormous heart.
Literally, he has an elephant heart.
He had a transplant when he was 17.
Had some problems... Really?
No. Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart, but he is very sensitive,
and it won't kill Erin to just go and have lunch with him in the break room,
like I promised him.
I bet his heart is enlarged, though.
I don't want anyone to die.
Just don't let him sit on you.
I'm kidding. You'll have fun.
It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is.
Go to him.
Hi. Hi.
Nice. She touched my shoulder.
Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.
Oh.
Hi. Hi.
Sorry. Hi. So sorry.
Careful.
Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.
I know.
Did you see that? I'm pretty sure she's...
Hey.
Did you grow up around here?
No.
So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Yes.
Why was I hiding behind the plant?
Well, in college I took a botany class,
and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh...
Kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them
by hiding behind different plants in the botany class.
And then they would say things like,
"Oh, this guy's gonna fail this class,"
or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?"
And then I would jump out at them
and confront them and be like,
"You think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted."
Oh. The reason?
The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation
was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off,
and I was jealous.
Uh, hi. Pam Halpert?
Yes.
Hi, I'm Clarke.
Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
Yep.
Um, yeah, that would be great.
Really great. When's she available?
Actually, I'm the consultant.
Got milk?
All right, let's see what we're working with.
So, the biggest thing besides not being able to get her to latch...
I'll get that for you. Oh, thank you.
...is that I can't tell if I'm really producing.
I don't know if she's getting anything.
Let me feel here. Okay.
Yeah, it's quite full.
Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand?
Okay. When you're feeding you want
to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Does that hurt?
No, it feels pressure. Okay.
You sure it doesn't hurt? No.
It just feels like pressure.
Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? PAM: Mmm-hmm.
Like that? It's stimulated. Mmm-hmm.
Yep. Yep. - Mmm-hmm.
So you just want to do that and that will...
Perfect.
The baby should grab onto that.
I think she will.
I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if...
We'll figure it out, probably. CLARKE: It doesn't...
Why don't you bring your baby over here?
Okay.
She's beautiful. Yes.
Oh, thank you.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed
and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay?
Okay. Please do.
Oh, shoot. Shoot, she fell off.
Oh. Uh...
Try the torpedo thing.
Will you just grab Clarke real quick?
No need. I saw him do it. I can try it.
Jim, please, please, please. I think it would be weird if you did it.
That makes sense. I'll just go get the other guy.
Hey, what's up, kid?
Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I prepared for you?
Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's and the umlauts.
Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?
I look forward to it.
Very well.
Goodbye.
Jim. Jim, get her.
Hmm?
Get the baby. Get her, come on.
Okay. I know, I know.
Okay. Come here.
All right. I got her.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Jim. She latched. She latched!
That's amazing.
Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the C thing.
That's awesome.
Oh! We're doing it.
That's great.
We're really parents now.
Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you.
Hey. Hi.
I've really enjoyed our time together.
Yeah. Me, too.
I want to continue working on our friendship...
It was really, really fun.
...'cause I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Yeah. Me, too.
And you're my friend.
Yeah. I hope that I'm your friend.
Yeah. And...
Oh, my God. This is agonizing.
Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
You said she liked me.
Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know
that that could never be possible, Kevin.
And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
I've done better than Erin.
No, you haven't.
Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.
Lynn was as hot as Erin.
Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan
and they were so much hotter than you.
This isn't about me, and that is debatable,
and I have a personality, whereas you...
Yes, Andy?
Kev.
Nice going.
Knock-knock.
Oh, hey, Isabel.
Oh, hey.
Pam, she's gorgeous. Can I hold her?
Yes.
She was a little fussy earlier,
but she's totally quieted down.
Here. Let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you.
Look at you. Come here, sweetie.
Oh, my God. - What?
Wrong baby. What?
Wrong baby. This is not our baby!
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Has she been fussing long?
No. Not at all. Perfect.
I was out like a light. Hey!
She's not hungry.
How's it going? Well,
I feel like she needs to eat, but she just won't latch on,
which is weird, because the other baby...
Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles.
So, you excited to take your baby home?
We definitely are. At 3:00, right?
You said we could stay until 3:00?
Yeah. You can.
It's 2:35. Half hour.
Well, 25 minutes.
And you're all set with the car seat?
Yes. Car seat's right there.
That bottom part needs to go in the car.
Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.
Be back in 25 minutes.
Or it can be a half hour, if you need it to be.
Can we get a late checkout?
I don't think she heard me.
Hello?
Dwight? What... What are you doing here?
Isabel, hello.
Yeah, the kitchen was disgusting, so...
Wow.
New cabinets. Yeah.
All I did was bring macaroni and cheese.
Where's the fridge?
Oh, it's in the backyard. I'll take this.
Well, I'll let you get back to it.
Hey, listen, I know that I'm an adult,
but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning?
You know, just for fun.
Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.
Are they, now? How some people spend their money, right?
Yeah. All right.
I'll call you, kid.
Do that.
You really sure we should be leaving?
Yeah.
But you hear the baby crying, right? Mmm-hmm.
Where's your car?
It's in the lot.
A lot of fathers bring the car around.
Right. Okay. Yes. That would be a smart thing to do.
Uh, Pam, I will be right back.
Okay, please hurry.
Erin, I need you to send this fax immediately.
It's really important, so I'm gonna stand here
and wait for the confirmation.
Okay. Good.
The fax says, "Erin, will you have dinner with me? From, Andy."
And the number is our office fax number.
It's busy. Why don't I keep trying
and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?
Sorry. That's unacceptable.
I need you to send it immediately or you're fired.
You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong.
I've been having a tough day.
Oh, God, no.
Um...
Just read the fax.
You read the fax.
I'm asking you out.
Oh, my God. That's amazing!
Let me just fax this and I'll check my planner.
So, it's a date? Yes!
Do you have a day in mind?
Yeah, what day? What day?
Every day is fine.
What's that one?
Thursday? Okay. Let's do it.
We... Okay!
Would you like me to help you up out of the chair?
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
We've just got a lot of discharges today.
Okay. Okay.
Thanks.
All right, thanks.
All right.
Hey. You want to eat? You want to try eating?
Okay.
Okay. Come here.
Just you and me. Just you and me. Come on.
There we go.
Yeah. Oh, yeah!
Like that. Oh. There we go.
You got it.
Five tickets on the windshield.
Hey. Hi.
We did it.
You used my move, didn't you?
I used a variation of your move.
There is no greater feeling
than when two people who are perfect for each other
overcome all obstacles and find true love.
And that's what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Two forms of ID, please.
And now you. Two forms of ID, please.
All right, all is in order. I just need your signature.
What is it?
Nothing.
All right. How would you like to celebrate?
Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick.
What?
I couldn't find your iPod.
Give me a couple days. Be out of your hair.
before I went on my maternity leave.
Yeah. I'm pregnant.
Great. Well, I'll write up the order.
Wait a minute. Okay, thanks.
You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales.
Hey, did I tell you we're gonna have a baby?
Thank you very much. I'm excited... Oh.
Definitely. No. No!
You need to come by your sales honorably.
There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life.
People like it.
Hey, there. Dwight Schrute here.
Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper?
Yeah, I could sure use the money.
My cousin came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus.
Oh, it's just horrific.
The doctor says he's never seen it beard so quickly.
Okay.
I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one.
Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life.
Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd.
Kevin, you're such a gourmand.
I cooked my way through Julia Child's cookbook,
and now I'm halfway through The Twilight Cookbook.
Last night, I had Edward's cornflake chicken.
Hmm.
Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times,
so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals.
Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch and first dinner.
I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner.
One last ultra feast.
Mmm. That sounds great. What are you thinking?
I think it should be a surprise.
Getting there, huh?
No, no. I still have time.
I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart.
So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Yeah. We're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
If we check in after midnight,
I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
Not to mention the extra night's sleep
in the hospital will be very nice,
because once we bring the baby home,
if it's crying all night, one of us is gonna have to take care of it,
and I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
Oh.
Contraptions! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what?
I think that I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why.
I am a licensed Class C driver in the state of Pennsylvania.
Michael. I gassed up the car.
Actually, I put diesel in this time. Tried to save some money.
Michael, you shouldn't have done that.
Happy to do it.
Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office.
You know the baby's not gonna live here, right?
Well, the baby was conceived here,
so might as well live here a little bit, too.
Mmm. That logic's airtight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here.
Burning Man, Porta Potty.
Yuck! TMI. How was it?
I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital!
Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital.
We are waiting until midnight.
Ooh! Spooky. But why?
Because the insurance company only covers two nights.
Everything's fine. We have plenty of time.
Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam.
Otherwise the baby's gonna become a teenager in there,
and you'll be up all night from the rock music.
Shut up, Nick. God! What a weird thing to say.
Weird IT nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd.
What are you looking at?
Nerd.
Did you know that labor can last weeks?
Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table,
and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself.
Bear my child.
Excuse me?
I want to have a child for business reasons
and I want you to be the mother.
If you agree, say nothing.
If you disagree, say anything.
Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 p.m.
In our old meeting spot and bang it out.
That's seven minutes. Here we go.
Hold on. Hold on. This is happening.
It isn't midnight yet.
Are you serious? Pam.
No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes.
I'm gonna be okay. We should really try to make it to midnight.
Pam, please.
Yeah, no, you really should,
'cause if your baby's born tomorrow,
he's gonna have the same birthday
as Buttmud Brooks, my old roommate.
Did you hear that? Buttmud Brooks.
Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Five minutes apart.
So the plan was seven minutes, but we're calling an audible,
because that's her call, 'cause she's the quarterback.
I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay. Stop watching me.
Okay, Crazy.
I think I have some better things to do with my day
than worry about you. Like sell printers.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, now until Friday, 20% off all toner cartridges, that's a big deal.
While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital
and just do a quick check?
Not till midnight.
Guys, a word of advice, speaking as a former baby.
Don't get too hung up on baby names.
I was named Walter Junior after my father,
until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds.
I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Junior.
My brother was born
and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Junior name,
so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew,
which they got out of a baby-name book.
You know what? It's getting really crowded in here.
Maybe you guys should all go back to work 'cause the day's not out yet.
No, no, no. You know what?
You can't tell us what to do
because you are not co-manager anymore.
Yes!
I feel like this noise is gonna prevent Pam
from being able to listen to her body's signals.
Actually, the distractions are good.
I don't think I'm gonna make it till midnight
if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.
Distractions are good!
That means conference room, five minutes. No, no, five seconds!
Right now, right now, conference room.
Topic, potpourri. Let's go!
Um, I'm sort of a master of distraction.
When I was a kid, my mom received compliments
left and right from my teachers
on how I was always able to distract others in class.
Try to think, "What were the first 13 colonies?"
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
The purpose for this meeting
is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.
Can we do sleight-of-hand tricks?
I will allow that.
Yes! Can anyone do those?
I'm gonna go look at the Internet.
All right. That's a good one.
Okay.
Sorry, guys. Just keep talking.
Okay.
Oh, God, Pam. You are a woman warrior.
Oh. Thanks, Kelly.
Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies?
Uh, special skills?
Yes, this is the only time
I'm ever going to make this request. Yeah, Phyl.
Yeah. I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does
in The Breakfast Club.
No, no. I don't think anybody wants to see that.
I can do the Evolution of Dance dance.
That sounds good. Do you need some music or...
No, actually, music would just throw me off.
Okay. I need complete silence, okay?
You're clapping. I need complete silence.
Totally threw me off, so I'm gonna have to start over.
The Evolution of Dance dance.
"You let me in your bed But now I sleep alone
"Trapped with the forgotten In my detritus home"
Affirmed, Seattle Slew, Secretariat, Citation,
Assault, Count Fleet, Whirlaway, War Admiral, Omaha, Gallant Fox.
And... I know this.
Uh, the jockey was Johnny Loftus, sired by Star Shoot.
Good afternoon.
Have a seat.
What is this?
Before we conceive a child,
it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Of course.
It's been a long time since we've come down here separately.
You know, I was thinking...
Now then, let's get to it, shall we?
Ltem one. Child will be breastfed by the mother
for exactly six months,
then weaned onto a nutrient-rich, winter vegetable mash
provided by the father, Dwight Schrute,
hereafter referred to as Morpheus.
Agreed? Agreed.
Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen.
Another 75 contractions and you are going to be there.
For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go give Dr. Rezvani a quick call.
He'll probably know...
Jim, please, happy thoughts here.
Happy times. Yeah, happy times. Come on.
Let's have happy times. All right.
Jim, as a matter of fact,
I've printed out 10 ways to induce labor,
and I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things
and we can slow down your labor.
Erin, read the first one.
"Stimulate the nipples."
Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples.
Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle.
Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt.
I have a shirt like that in my car.
Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it?
Okay, uh, the second one is "walk around."
We're already doing the opposite of that.
Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods.
Okay, the opposite of that.
Stick spicy food up her butt.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Come on. Let's go to the hospital. PAM: Jim. Jim.
Pam, let's go to the hospital now. Sweetie, I love you,
but you're really distracting me from my distractions. Mmm-hmm.
Okay, great. Well, sorry.
Why don't you go do some work?
Great. I will do that.
Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled, and you know
how very rarely I use that word. I know.
"Frazzled." You don't like to be frazzled.
No, I don't. - Okay.
Oh. And by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally.
Someone's freaking.
Getting a little frazzled.
Yeah, he is.
I know Pam better than anyone in this office,
and obviously she's gone crazy,
but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy.
But I'm not crazy. She's crazy. I'm not crazy. She's crazy.
"Five to seven minutes."
"Five to seven minutes."
"Six minutes." Different, but not really.
"Five to seven minutes."
Acceptable names include, and are limited to,
Ebenezer. Jebediah.
Honus. Jedediah.
Worf.
No Star Trek names.
Okay. Fine.
What if it's a girl?
Irrelevant question.
Section 5A. "Child shall be male."
Hey. Uh-uh. I cannot control that.
You can't put that in here. Yes, you can.
No. It's as simple as keeping the womb
extremely warm for two days after sex,
and then extremely cold for five months.
Absolutely not.
Hey. Hey.
Oh.
I'm not gonna get in the car,
'cause I know if I do, you'll try to drive me to the hospital.
Ah!
You know me too well.
Okay, Jim. Yeah.
Everything is fine.
Totally. You don't have to worry.
Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay?
Did you say "she"?
I called the doctor, like, a week ago. I couldn't wait.
Oh, God, don't be mad.
Mad?
How could I be mad? We're having a little girl.
Mmm-hmm.
Wow. We're having a little girl.
Man! I know.
Whoo! All right.
Well, I definitely feel better. Good.
Yeah. All right. Okay.
Hey, did you change?
Oh, yeah. My water broke.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh! Whoa!
Pam? Pam! Okay. All right.
Okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please.
Is it midnight yet? No, it's 4:35.
4:35. All right. Almost made it. Almost made it.
Too bad you didn't have sex, like, seven-and-a-half hours later.
But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand.
Sometimes you have to go for it.
Let's go to the hospital, shall we?
No. Not yet, Michael.
We can do it.
Oh, wow! It's almost time for ultra feast.
Where's Kevin? What?
You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital?
That's Fancy Feast. Ultra feast is something they made up
so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony.
What is October Feast?
There is no rush to get to the hospital. I'm fine. I'll get there.
And if I don't get there, I don't get there.
Our ultra feast menu's theme,
Hollywood.
We have ratatouille from Ratatouille,
and tandoori chicken from Born Into Brothels.
I tried to bake a cake like that District 9 prawn thing, but I...
Are you okay?
Mmm.
Yes. I'm fine.
Are you sure?
Yeah, the doctor said that it's still considered a minor contraction
as long as I can talk through it.
Okay. Okay. Jim?
I think this feast is over... JIM: All right.
...and it's time to go to the hospital. Time to go.
No. That's right.
Let's do this. Let's give it a shot.
No, it's better. - Here we go.
That wasn't even the worst of them. I'm fine. JIM: Hey, come on.
They're not that bad still. Let's go to the hospital.
Pam. No, it's passing, it's fine.
Pam, it's time. Let's go to the hospital. Let's go, Pam.
It's okay. Michael says we should go now.
Yeah, I think we should head out. PAM: It's fine.
Pam. You know what? It passed. It's good.
Absolutely fine. Come on. Let's go. We gotta go.
Babe, I'm not going. We need to go.
It's fine. Hey, come on. We really gotta go.
No. I'm not going! I am not going, okay?
All right.
I'm not going today because I can't do it! I don't think I can do it!
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding?
If anyone can do this, you can do this.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Pam, I'm scared.
I'm real scared. I'm scared, too.
I'm petrified.
But the best news is,
we're gonna have a baby today.
Yeah.
A really awesome baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
So let's have it at the hospital.
Let's do that.
How are we doing on contractions? Two minutes apart.
Two minutes. Oh, God.
Oh, no. I thought I told you...
It's okay. No, I told you to warn me at five minutes.
Jim, we waited too long. I know.
We waited too long. Two minutes doesn't do us any good.
What happened to four and three? MICHAEL: We're okay, Jim.
Okay, Pamela, you know what time it is?
I don't want to have my baby here.
You know... You're not going to.
You know where you're going? The hospital.
Yes you are, and you know what you're gonna have?
A baby. Yes.
We're going to the hospital and we're gonna have a baby.
I got it! I got it! Everybody, it's go time!
Action station! Stanley, man the phones!
Meredith, please grab a bottle of water.
Erin, call an ambulance, please!
No, no, no.
Ambulances are emergencies only.
You call the ambulance, I call the cops.
All right, we're driving ourselves, actually. MICHAEL: No, Jim.
You are in no condition to drive.
I will drive you. Check. Got it.
All right, I have my wallet. MICHAEL: Yes.
Go bag's in the car. Go bag? Where's my go bag?
Keys. I need my keys! Where's my go bag?
There's nothing in it.
You are telling me now that there is nothing in it! Okay, great.
Should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
The hospital will provide dictionaries.
Bring the thesaurus.
Did anyone check how dilated she is?
This is ridiculous. Dwight, get away.
No, no, no, Dwight, let Jim do that, please. Okay?
I didn't know we had a tape measure.
"We" don't.
Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys!
Found them. They're here. Here we go. Here we go.
- Here we go! - Good luck!
- Good luck, Pam. - Bye, Pam.
Thank you! Wish me luck!
Have fun!
Hey, it's 5:00.
Here we go. Here we go. On our way.
Hold it.
Come on, Stanley. Okay.
We're going now. No. One more.
Can I... No, no, no, no! Out, out, out! Idiot!
Dwight, what is the traffic like?
Doesn't matter. I'll escort you!
All right.
Let's go! - Easy, Dwight.
Michael! What?
Michael! What?
This is where I saw that deer last week.
Where? Right over by that fence.
By the bushes? Okay, Michael, focus!
Okay, go, go, go! Guys, come on!
Let's go!
I love escorting people.
In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service.
Got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends.
All right, here we go. You're doing great.
Okay, just breathe.
She'll be here soon.
She? You found out?
Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised.
Michael! Yeah?
Stop texting. Put your phone away! Michael, come on!
I'm texting about you, okay?
Come on!
All right.
Let's move!
What? POLICE OFFICER: Pull over.
You're kidding me!
Pull over.
You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer.
Don't make this difficult, Dwight.
Wait! Wait, my iPod's not in here. Okay.
It has the birth song on it.
Okay, I know, but my iPod is in the go bag.
We'll be fine. Jim, I don't want the first thing
the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack.
Okay, so what do you want to do? I don't know.
Let's go by the house and get it.
It's only 20 minutes past the hospital.
Pam, no. Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now.
Guys, guys, stop fighting. Come on.
Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer?
Right?
Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. Ready?
Dwight Schrute.
Hello, Dwight.
Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by,
pick it up and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday.
Then why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday?
I kept IM-ing you how bored I was.
Okay. Dwight!
Go to my house, get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table.
Do not touch anything else.
The key is under... I don't need a key.
Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen, it's under the...
No, don't. Don't. Don't tell me.
Dwight, just listen. It's underneath...
Okay. You all right?
Yeah.
Do you have everything, guys?
Michael, just go park the car.
Okay. All right.
Sir! Dunder Mifflin. It's okay.
You can't park here.
I just did.
Pam's doing great. Uh, she's 10 inches dilated now.
Sorry, meters... Centimeters.
And she's also fully effaced, which I don't know what that is.
But no baby yet. It's only been six... Nineteen hours.
And I was sent out for some ice chips
because I might have passed out a little bit,
but these are very refreshing, very...
Daddy? She's ready to push.
Okay!
Where's my little niblet? Halpert, room D1. All right.
Family only beyond this point. Thank you.
Here we go.
Doing great. Push again!
Not yet.
No, don't push. Pull! Pull!
Why don't you get some more ice chips?
No, Jim, stay!
Okay. Really push this time, Pam.
Okay.
Nope. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.
Gotta go wash my eyes.
That kid's gonna have a lot of hair.
Have you guys seen her? She hasn't popped yet.
What? Damn it! She was supposed to come out yesterday.
I decided to give Baby Halpert
the newspaper from the day she was born.
This frame set me back 55 bones.
But she decided to take her sweet time,
so now I have to switch it with today's paper.
This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here.
I think it's gonna be any minute now.
But you don't know that. We could be here another half an hour.
Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do?
I have an ice cream cake in the car.
Oh, my God! Go! Go! Go! Are you insane? All right.
Guys? Hello?
You're doing great. Just relax. Um...
Sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna...
You're kind of losing them.
God!
Oh, my God. Look at her.
The baby, she's so beautiful.
Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see?
Sir.
Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Okay.
Put it out. All right.
Can't smoke anywhere these days.
She's incredible.
You want to count her fingers and toes again?
No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there are still 12 of each.
Okay.
Guys, guys!
Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert.
Eleven pounds, four...
She's seven pounds, two ounces, 18 inches. Seven pounds.
Mother and daughter are doing great.
Congratulations. That's great.
There.
Hey, Grandma's back.
Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria,
but I have returned with the coffee. Great.
Thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months.
- May I? - Yes.
Somebody has a full diaper.
Oh. Let me get it.
I am a diapering master.
I have done little else in the past two months.
There is nothing I cannot diaper.
Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you.
Where's the baby? I want to see the baby.
Oh! Oh.
Helene, hi.
Oh, my goodness. What are the odds of this?
Congratulations on being a grandma.
Hello, Michael. Hello.
Oh. How are you?
I worry about you.
You know, I think it's time for me to go.
Oh. Okay.
Love you.
Love you as a friend.
Love you, Mom.
Oh!
I want to hold the baby.
Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first.
Oh, right.
Again. No pants.
Oh. Okay.
Ready? Mmm-hmm.
Oh, wow.
Michael. Michael.
That's so weird. She was saying it just before you got here.
Yesterday I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod.
I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it.
What I did find was mold, and lots of it.
So, I did what anyone would do.
I read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep,
and I made plans to eradicate it.
I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets.
Time to get to work.
There she sat. Her name was Pam.
She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal.
There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman.
The odds of them getting together were insurmountainable.
I made a family. I got these two together and I made a family.
This man has a gift.
Who else here is single?
I'm not single. I have a man.
I am offering up my services to you all.
You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.
Why don't you find someone for yourself
instead of meddling in our affairs?
Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world
where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any?
Who else? Come on. People, I know models.
Plus-size models, maybe.
You got that right. Meredith? Come on. You're obviously single.
You know it. I am never getting married.
Like Clooney.
Andrew? What about you?
Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so...
Not good timing.
Yes, I'm gonna ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align.
Literally.
I have a small skylight in my bedroom,
and I'd like for the moon to be visible.
Well, when you least expect it, expect it.
I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love.
I am going to fill that empty hole
in your body with another person.
And like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.
Remember yesterday, when we were terrified of being parents?
We were just kids. What did we know?
Hey, how we doing?
Good. Great.
Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night?
Doesn't she sleep here? She can.
But a lot of parents choose to have the baby
spend the first night in the nursery
to get some rest. You've been through a lot.
I think we'll be okay.
Okay, great.
Big yawn.
Ready, one, two, three.
One, and then wrap around.
It's okay.
I don't understand. Hold that arm down.
I can't. She's too strong. Careful, though.
You don't want to break it.
She's not going to... Just...
I got it. All right. - Go. Go.
I'm done. Nurse?
How you doing?
I don't know.
I just... I can't tell if she's getting anything.
Really?
It doesn't feel right.
Well, you're pushing the milk out, right?
How would one do that?
Well, isn't it kind of like... Like that?
Do you want to try it, Jim? Mmm-mmm.
I think you're good. Doing a good job.
Somebody buzzed?
Oh, really? Must have sat on it, Pam.
I can't tell if she's getting anything.
It just doesn't really feel right.
Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while.
I can take her to the nursery
and then bring her back and try again a little bit later.
Even if she's not getting anything?
Yeah, she'll be fine.
I can always give her a bottle once we're in the nursery.
No. I read in the book about nipple confusion.
Oh, good. You know everything.
I mean, she's just really tentative about latching,
and I just want to keep her self-esteem up.
I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay?
All right. All right.
It's gonna be all right.
Yeah, maybe it'll be good 'cause then
she can, like, socialize with the other babies.
No, yeah, that would be good.
You wanted to see me?
What would you say
if I told you that I was about to change your life?
Oh, boy!
What's that sound?
Ta-da!
I would like you to meet your new boyfriend.
Yes.
I don't know what to say.
Say nothing. You will learn to love me.
Okay, hold on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You got to let the cookies cool
before you pop them in your mouth. Okay.
Why don't you guys get to know each other, maybe have lunch together?
Erin, would you have lunch with me?
Okay.
Good. Yes!
Michael, can I talk to you privately?
Sure. Kevin, please leave.
Bye. - Bye.
I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression
that I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy.
Okay. This is going to kill Kevin.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
I'm not so sure.
Kevin has an enormous heart.
Literally, he has an elephant heart.
He had a transplant when he was 17.
Had some problems... Really?
No. Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart, but he is very sensitive,
and it won't kill Erin to just go and have lunch with him in the break room,
like I promised him.
I bet his heart is enlarged, though.
I don't want anyone to die.
Just don't let him sit on you.
I'm kidding. You'll have fun.
It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is.
Go to him.
Hi. Hi.
Nice. She touched my shoulder.
Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy.
Oh.
Hi. Hi.
Sorry. Hi. So sorry.
Careful.
Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.
I know.
Did you see that? I'm pretty sure she's...
Hey.
Did you grow up around here?
No.
So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Yes.
Why was I hiding behind the plant?
Well, in college I took a botany class,
and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh...
Kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them
by hiding behind different plants in the botany class.
And then they would say things like,
"Oh, this guy's gonna fail this class,"
or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?"
And then I would jump out at them
and confront them and be like,
"You think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted."
Oh. The reason?
The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation
was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off,
and I was jealous.
Uh, hi. Pam Halpert?
Yes.
Hi, I'm Clarke.
Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant.
Yep.
Um, yeah, that would be great.
Really great. When's she available?
Actually, I'm the consultant.
Got milk?
All right, let's see what we're working with.
So, the biggest thing besides not being able to get her to latch...
I'll get that for you. Oh, thank you.
...is that I can't tell if I'm really producing.
I don't know if she's getting anything.
Let me feel here. Okay.
Yeah, it's quite full.
Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand?
Okay. When you're feeding you want
to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Does that hurt?
No, it feels pressure. Okay.
You sure it doesn't hurt? No.
It just feels like pressure.
Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? PAM: Mmm-hmm.
Like that? It's stimulated. Mmm-hmm.
Yep. Yep. - Mmm-hmm.
So you just want to do that and that will...
Perfect.
The baby should grab onto that.
I think she will.
I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if...
We'll figure it out, probably. CLARKE: It doesn't...
Why don't you bring your baby over here?
Okay.
She's beautiful. Yes.
Oh, thank you.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed
and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay?
Okay. Please do.
Oh, shoot. Shoot, she fell off.
Oh. Uh...
Try the torpedo thing.
Will you just grab Clarke real quick?
No need. I saw him do it. I can try it.
Jim, please, please, please. I think it would be weird if you did it.
That makes sense. I'll just go get the other guy.
Hey, what's up, kid?
Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I prepared for you?
Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's and the umlauts.
Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon?
I look forward to it.
Very well.
Goodbye.
Jim. Jim, get her.
Hmm?
Get the baby. Get her, come on.
Okay. I know, I know.
Okay. Come here.
All right. I got her.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Jim. She latched. She latched!
That's amazing.
Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the C thing.
That's awesome.
Oh! We're doing it.
That's great.
We're really parents now.
Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you.
Hey. Hi.
I've really enjoyed our time together.
Yeah. Me, too.
I want to continue working on our friendship...
It was really, really fun.
...'cause I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Yeah. Me, too.
And you're my friend.
Yeah. I hope that I'm your friend.
Yeah. And...
Oh, my God. This is agonizing.
Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
You said she liked me.
Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know
that that could never be possible, Kevin.
And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
I've done better than Erin.
No, you haven't.
Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael.
Lynn was as hot as Erin.
Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan
and they were so much hotter than you.
This isn't about me, and that is debatable,
and I have a personality, whereas you...
Yes, Andy?
Kev.
Nice going.
Knock-knock.
Oh, hey, Isabel.
Oh, hey.
Pam, she's gorgeous. Can I hold her?
Yes.
She was a little fussy earlier,
but she's totally quieted down.
Here. Let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you.
Look at you. Come here, sweetie.
Oh, my God. - What?
Wrong baby. What?
Wrong baby. This is not our baby!
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Has she been fussing long?
No. Not at all. Perfect.
I was out like a light. Hey!
She's not hungry.
How's it going? Well,
I feel like she needs to eat, but she just won't latch on,
which is weird, because the other baby...
Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles.
So, you excited to take your baby home?
We definitely are. At 3:00, right?
You said we could stay until 3:00?
Yeah. You can.
It's 2:35. Half hour.
Well, 25 minutes.
And you're all set with the car seat?
Yes. Car seat's right there.
That bottom part needs to go in the car.
Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car.
Be back in 25 minutes.
Or it can be a half hour, if you need it to be.
Can we get a late checkout?
I don't think she heard me.
Hello?
Dwight? What... What are you doing here?
Isabel, hello.
Yeah, the kitchen was disgusting, so...
Wow.
New cabinets. Yeah.
All I did was bring macaroni and cheese.
Where's the fridge?
Oh, it's in the backyard. I'll take this.
Well, I'll let you get back to it.
Hey, listen, I know that I'm an adult,
but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning?
You know, just for fun.
Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too.
Are they, now? How some people spend their money, right?
Yeah. All right.
I'll call you, kid.
Do that.
You really sure we should be leaving?
Yeah.
But you hear the baby crying, right? Mmm-hmm.
Where's your car?
It's in the lot.
A lot of fathers bring the car around.
Right. Okay. Yes. That would be a smart thing to do.
Uh, Pam, I will be right back.
Okay, please hurry.
Erin, I need you to send this fax immediately.
It's really important, so I'm gonna stand here
and wait for the confirmation.
Okay. Good.
The fax says, "Erin, will you have dinner with me? From, Andy."
And the number is our office fax number.
It's busy. Why don't I keep trying
and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit?
Sorry. That's unacceptable.
I need you to send it immediately or you're fired.
You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong.
I've been having a tough day.
Oh, God, no.
Um...
Just read the fax.
You read the fax.
I'm asking you out.
Oh, my God. That's amazing!
Let me just fax this and I'll check my planner.
So, it's a date? Yes!
Do you have a day in mind?
Yeah, what day? What day?
Every day is fine.
What's that one?
Thursday? Okay. Let's do it.
We... Okay!
Would you like me to help you up out of the chair?
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
We've just got a lot of discharges today.
Okay. Okay.
Thanks.
All right, thanks.
All right.
Hey. You want to eat? You want to try eating?
Okay.
Okay. Come here.
Just you and me. Just you and me. Come on.
There we go.
Yeah. Oh, yeah!
Like that. Oh. There we go.
You got it.
Five tickets on the windshield.
Hey. Hi.
We did it.
You used my move, didn't you?
I used a variation of your move.
There is no greater feeling
than when two people who are perfect for each other
overcome all obstacles and find true love.
And that's what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Two forms of ID, please.
And now you. Two forms of ID, please.
All right, all is in order. I just need your signature.
What is it?
Nothing.
All right. How would you like to celebrate?
Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick.
What?
I couldn't find your iPod.
Give me a couple days. Be out of your hair.