The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 12 - Scott's Tots - full transcript

You wanted to see me?
Yeah, have a seat.

Is it serious?

Wow. Andy's
a little scared.

Okay, right there.

Right there's the problem.

There have been reports
around the office

that you have been
talking baby talk.

Why would people
say that?

Well, I have it on good authority
that you said the following.

Can you read that
back to me?

"Andy have a boo-boo
tummy." Mmm-hmm.



Would you rather me say,

"Hey, guys, my irritable
bowel syndrome is flaring up."

Okay. "Crazy diarrhea
happening right now."

'Cause things can get
real adult real fast.

You are also on
record as saying,

"Wittle-ittle,
footie-wooties, num-nums,

"jammies, make boom-boom,
widiciwus, and Whode Island."

Do I sometimes
replace Rs with Ws?

Do I sometimes repeat a
word to get my point across?

Well, if I do,
Andy's sowwy.

You can't be a baby
in the office.

It makes me look
like I hire babies.

Well, if we're
complaining,

a lot of people think your
Elvis voice is annoying.



Okay. Who said that?

Just people.

For the record, I think
it's pretty fantastic.

Thank you.
Thank you a lot.

And for what it's worth, I
think your baby voice is tops.

Tank you, Mr. Elvis.

You're welcome, baby.

Dr. Tuna M.D., I have
some terrible news.

Wait, are you the patient
or the doctor?

The entire office
has come down

with a pernicious
case of the Mondays.

Wow. What do you put
our chances at?

0%.

Unless we perform an immediate
emergency morale transplant, stat!

Sounds risky.

Don't worry.
There is a surefire cure.

Employee of the Month. Every
awesome place I've worked had one.

Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers,
AIG, my summer at Enron.

Wow. That's not such a bad idea. Great.

Anything else?
Nope.

"Frankie's Dirty Joke
of the Day."

There's a bunch of those.
Keep.

There's a bunch of sent emails
that just say "delivered."

Should I delete those?

I want to keep those
so I can see what I sent.

That's why you have
a sent mail folder.

Keep.

There's about three news
alerts from Nip Slip.

For what?
Nip Slip.

Okay. I don't know
how those get on there.

Well...

Must be hackers.

Hey, what's up?

What if I told you I had
done the worst thing ever?

Would you still want
to be my friend?

Did you murder someone?

Worse than murder.

Oh, my God.

Lurk much?

I miss Pam.

I think she's okay.

Is that what we're
going for now? "Okay"?

We used to go
for "pretty good."

Great.

Hey, how do you feel
about starting

an Employee of
the Month program?

Yeah. You know what, that
actually might make me feel better.

I'm not in this for
the trophies, but...

You're not in it at all

'cause you can't be Employee
of the Month. You're a manager.

Well, technically
I am a co-manager

and I barely have
any responsibilities.

All right. Yeah. But I work
hard, I love this company,

and for those reasons I think I would
make a good Employee of the Month.

It would look bad. Sorry.

It would look good
on my mantle.

Jim's talking to
Michael right now.

They totally
went for our idea!

Yeah! Your idea.

My idea.

I just need Andy to
think it's his idea

so it won't get
traced back to me.

In approximately six hours Jim will
get a phone call from David Wallace.

He will be fired.

Hey, Pam, do you have a sec
to check over this itinerary?

Looks great.

Did you really look it over?
Felt like maybe you didn't.

Okay.

The Michael Scott Foundation
is still in existence.

There you are. I don't think
we have finished with my inbox.

What's "Scott's Tots"?

Has it really
been 10 years?

Michael, why did you
promise that?

To change lives.

No. Michael, why would you promise that?

You know...
Okay. I can't...

Call the school, cancel.
I can't go through with this.

We've already rescheduled seven times.

Michael, this is a terrible,
terrible thing you've done.

Well...

It's terrible.
Just terrible.

And the longer you put it
off, the worse it's gonna get.

I just... I fell in
love with these kids,

and I didn't want to see them
fall victim to the system.

So I made them
a promise.

I told them that if they
graduated from high school,

I would pay for their
college education.

I have made some empty
promises in my life,

but hands down, that
was the most generous.

Just tell me it is going
to be okay, all right?

No!

I'm not a bad-news person.
I bring good news,

like when I promised those
kids I'd pay for college.

Okay. All right.

You have to tell them.

Would you come with me? You know,
like old times? Instead of...

I can print out a new
itinerary with Pam's name on it.

It's fine.
Erin, you're gonna go,

and you're gonna make sure
Michael tells the truth.

Oh, God. You know what?
Could this day get any worse?

Hey, Jimmy, what's up?

Not much.

Cool. Very cool.
I bet if you tried,

you could grow the best beard
of anyone in this office.

Thanks, Dwight.

That laugh is
so infectious.

You're creeping me out.
I'm gonna go.

I didn't mean any of
those things I just said.

And you can expect the same
thing from everyone in this office

if you don't nip this whole Employee
of the Month situation in the bud.

Make it about
the work.

Let me guess. You
think you should get it.

This encompasses
all available data.

Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed
sick days, participation.

Everyone has been assigned
a random number

for total fairness
and transparency.

Also, this should be
accompanied by a monetary prize.

Well, in an ideal
world... In an ideal world

I would have all 10
fingers on my left hand,

so my right hand could
just be a fist for punching.

Okay. If it's all
the same to you,

I'm just gonna take away
survival skills and self-defense.

I'm gonna run this
by Toby and Accounting

and have them
assemble the data.

It's okay,
I'll do it.

Mr. Scott?

Hey! Mikela Lasker!
How are you?

I'm good.

Good to see you.
Where's your saxophone?

It's in the music room,
Mr. Scott.

Eighth-grade graduation,
she gave a rendition

of When the Saints Go Marching In
that would blow your freaking mind.

Wow.

Well, you didn't
even hear it.

Everyone's so excited
that you're here today.

Oh, good.
Now,

I know you probably
want to see everyone,

but I was wondering if I could
ask you some questions first.

Sure.
You're famous.

I'm sure you remember
this place. Oh, yeah.

Do you want to go in?

No, not at all.
Nope. Come on.

You know what? You know,
I shouldn't go in there.

I'm pretty busy.
I shouldn't...

We just want
to say thanks.

Mr. Scott!
Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott!

Mr. Scott!

Mr. Scott,
I know you're a busy man

and your schedule
moves around a lot,

but for all your generosity
through the years, your tots,

who are ready
to graduate,

thought it was time to
give you a proper thank you.

Hey, Mr. Scott,
what you gonna do

What you gonna do
Make our dreams come true

Hey, Mr. Scott,
what you gonna do

What you gonna do
Make our dreams come true

You came into our lives and made
a promise That made us honest

Made us realize
We don't need to compromise

'Cause we can have it all

'Cause you made it possible
For us to achieve the improbable

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey, hey

Hey, Mr. Scott,
what you gonna do

What you gonna do
Make our dreams come true

Wow!

Hey. So Jim thought
it would be ideal...

Hey.
...if we all pitched in...

So, Jim thought
it would be ideal

if we all pitched in a 20 for this
whole Employee of the Month thing.

Jim said that?

He thought you were doing
an incredible job last month.

Jim said that?

You seem surprised.

No, no, that makes
total sense.

Hey, buddy.
So everyone...

Five minutes ahead of
schedule. Right on schedule.

Politicians are
always coming around,

telling us they're gonna fix our
schools, promising this and that.

But you, Mr. Scott,
you are actually doing it!

You have taught these kids, with
hard work, that anything is possible.

You are a dream maker,
and I thank you.

I thank you. I thank you,
I thank you, I thank you.

There were a lot of
times over the years

where I was pressured
to get into the drug game.

But I always thought back
to my guardian angel

and the gift
that you gave me.

So I just want to thank you
for giving me the opportunity

to go to college,
educate myself,

and become
the next President Obama.

Oh, God.

Okay, ladies and
gentlemen, welcome.

I know you're all very excited,
but no matter who gets this,

I just want to say
that you guys are all

Employees of the Month
in my eyes.

And the winner is employee
number nine, and that is...

Number nine,
number nine, Jim Halpert.

- What?
- What?

Are you kidding me?
Oh, no.

Okay, wait.
I was not...

I did not get...

"I did not...
That was not...

"How come not..."

Guys, listen.

This was anonymous,
all right?

There's no way I could
have given it to myself,

because I didn't even know
who was on here.

I just gave it to the employee
with the highest overall score.

To my tally, you just won
back your own parking spot,

a vacation day, and a nice tidy
quarter of $1,000 from all of us.

Will everybody just
stop for a second?

'Cause obviously I'm
not taking any of it.

A mistake has been made
and we'll figure it out.

Second of all,
there was no cash prize.

Yes!

Dwight?
Yeah, you said,

"In an ideal world, there
would be a cash prize."

Isn't that what you
said? No, Dwight, I meant,

yes, in a perfect world, someone
would get money, but not...

Yeah, but, in your perfect
world, only you get money.

- Yeah, that's...
- Don't do this...

I know, all right? Don't do...

Let's put your hands together
and give a warm welcome

for the man of the hour,
Mr. Michael Scott.

Thank you.

All right. Wow.

I am never going to
forget today. Not a chance.

I don't think I could ever give back
to you what you have given me today.

Who here's done something
stupid in their lives?

Like skipped out
on study hall

or mix up the difference
between A gym and B gym,

that sort of thing?
Show of hands.

Anybody? Yes,
a bunch of you. Okay.

Well, me, too. I've done something
stupid, which I would like to share.

Um...

Should we go?

No, no, we're okay.
It's a double period.

All right. I came here today
because I promised you tuition,

and tuition is
very valuable.

But you know
what's invaluable?

Is intuition.
You know what that is?

That is the ability to know when
something is about to happen.

Does anybody out there
have intuition?

Know what's gonna
happen next?

Nobody? Okay. You're
gonna make me say it.

All right. I am so proud of all of you.

Derrick and Lefervre
and Ben and Ayana

and Mikela and Nikki
and Jason and...

I'm sorry, okay, I'm
sort of spacing your name.

I'm Zion. I'm Mikela's younger brother.

Well, Zion, I am not going
to be paying for your tuition.

Which brings me
to my main point,

and that is that I will not be
able to pay for anybody's tuition.

I'm so, so sorry.

- What?
- You're kidding.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry.

Explain yourself, sir!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You lied to us.

Yep. I lied to myself, too.
I'm not a millionaire.

I thought I would be by the time
I was 30, but I wasn't even close,

and then I thought maybe
by the time I was 40,

but by 40 I had less
money than when I was 30.

Maybe by my 50s,
I don't know.

I wanted to pay
for your education.

I really did.
It was my dream.

Some people have evil dreams,
some people have selfish dreams,

or wet dreams. My dream
was in the right place.

You owe this to us.

Okay, hold on. Hold on.

Now, I can't pay
for your college,

but you don't have to go
to class to be in class.

Online courses
are a viable option

to a traditional
college experience,

and the best way to
access those courses

is with your own
personal laptop,

which is rendered
useless without batteries,

and I have one
for each of you.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold
on, hold on. They're lithium.

Look, there was a big mistake,
obviously, so I will fix it. Okay?

This was
your idea anyway.

Correction.
It was my idea.

Okay.

My idea.

Guys, I'm starting to think
Pam's not even pregnant.

Okay, for the record,
I am pregnant,

and obviously there's been
some kind of a mistake,

so why doesn't Jim just pick the
next highest score on the list

and we'll move on.

Yeah, okay.
That's fair.

Excellent idea, Pam.
Thank you.

That would be employee
number three, which is...

Son of a bitch!

Pam Halpert.
- What?

How is that possible?

No offense, Pam, but how
the hell is that possible?

There must be some reasonable
explanation for this.

Wait, come on.
I didn't miss a day,

I came in early,
I stayed late,

and I doubled my
sales last month.

Oh, really? From what? Two to four?

Yep.

Guys, this isn't some
elaborate scam, okay?

Hi, I have an order here for
a custom cake. Jim Halpert.

Okay. That is me, but
I didn't order the cake.

Look who it is.

He knew all along.

I'm gonna
have some cake.

David Wallace's office.

This is Kevin Malone.
Is David there?

No, he's in his weekly staff
meeting. Can I take a message?

Tell him I'm mad at Jim 'cause
he's asking us to give money to Pam.

This is Stanley Hudson.
Jim Halpert is a menace.

It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things
are getting really bad down here.

Hey, Mr. Scott.

Erin, can you
give us a second?

That was messed up
what you did.

Yeah, yeah,
I know. I know.

I know, I'm sorry.

Who does something
like that?

Who promises that
to a bunch of kids

and then just doesn't
come through like that?

What can I do?

You could pay
for my college.

I can give you an extra laptop
battery. Not everyone took one.

How about this?

If you can find a way to pay for your
tuition, let me buy your books, okay?

They're expensive.

Yeah, well, I owe you
that at least, right?

It's about $1,000.

Really? Wow.

That's over $200 a year.

No, $1,000 each year.

For... Okay. Okay.

Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna
write four checks for $1,000 each.

I'm going to date them
one year apart.

Now, you are to use
one check a year,

and please call me
before you cash the check,

'cause I've got monies to
move around. Yeah, yeah.

Okay? Make it out to my Aunt Rosa.

That's a lot of zeroes.

This is Jim.

Jim, what the hell
is happening there?

Hey, David.
Yes?

So, there was a little bit of
a miscommunication here today.

It's been a little wild,
but I am on it.

Just so I understand, you
started Employee of the Month,

give it to yourself,

then people complain, so
you give it to your wife?

No.
Am I missing something?

I really don't know
how it happened, David.

I know how it happened.

Jim, I bumped you up because I
thought you could make my life easier.

If you can't do that, we're
gonna have a separate discussion.

All right, it will
not happen again. I promise.

I am sorry. I am taking this out on you.

No. But things have been crazy here.

You know I think you're
doing a great job, right?

What? No.
Yeah. Thank you.

Okay. We still
on for dinner this weekend?

What?
Yes.

Okay. See you.
You're kidding me!

Damn it!

Hey, Mr. Scott,
what you gonna do

What you gonna do
Make our dreams come true

Hey, Mr. Scott,
what you gonna do

Please stop.

Fifteen lives.

I destroyed
15 young lives today.

No.
Yes.

No, there's
financial aid.

They could join
the Army or the Navy.

Maybe...
You're, what, like, 12?

The principal
told me that

90% of Scott's Tots are
on track to graduate,

and that's 35% higher
than the rest of the school,

so I think that if you
hadn't made that promise,

a lot of them
would have dropped out,

which is something to
think about, I think.

I think you're
doing a great job.

Really?

What do you want
from this job,

provided the company
doesn't go out of business?

Well, I've always wondered what it
might be like to be an accountant.

Really?

Yes, but I'm
terrible at math.

Well, you know,
when I hired Kevin,

he was actually applying
for a job in the warehouse.

Seriously?
Yeah.

I just sort of had
a feeling about him.

Have a feeling
about you, too.

Hey, Mr. Scott,
what you gonna do

What you gonna do
Make our dreams come true

Hey, Mr. Scott,
what you gonna do

What you gonna do
Make our dreams come true

Yeah!

See you
tomorrow, Dwight.

Apparently.

How's it going? Good day? Not now, temp.

Okay. So, listen, I know
about your diabolical plan.

What? Diabolical plan? I
wouldn't even know how to begin...

I found a copy of it
in the copier tray.

So what do you want?

I want the same thing
you want.

I want to take Jim
Halpert down. I want in.