The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 13 - Secret Santa - full transcript

Attention, everyone!
Jim and I, on behalf of the Party Planning Committee
have an... Too loud. Too, too loud. Too loud.
But effective. Look. On behalf of Jim and I, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. Good.
My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas.
My heart just melts with the sound of children singing.
Not really. I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know.
Maybe I'm depressed.
It is time to unveil the tree.
Hey, Rockefeller Center!
Yeah.
Uh, I've actually been to Rock Center
and this is nothing like that.
This is all we have. Ugh!
Nope, it's not "ugh."
It is office camaraderie.
It is warm feelings.
Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it?
Thirty, 29, 28...
Why would you start so high? 27...
Three, two, one.
...26...
Ooh!
You didn't decorate it.
No. Exactly.
We didn't, because we think it would be better to do it together.
Everyone. Why would you wrap it in a sheet
if you're not covering anything up?
Is... Is it fake? Pam.
Yes! We are unveiling an artificial tree that will never die.
Yes. Like the spirit of Christmas.
And we're supposed to applaud you
for taking a giant diaper off a fake tree?
This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work!
Merry Christmas.
Hello. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys.
I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet,
but whoever is giving me the 12 Days of Christmas
as my Secret Santa,
please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove.
The French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest.
Please stop.
What psycho would send that as a gift?
I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa,
and I decided to give Erin the 12 Days of Christmas.
Bowtie time.
Is it my fault that the first eight days there's basically 30 birds?
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Merry Christmas, boys and girls. It's me, Santa Claus.
Hey, Santa.
They finally let you do it. Yeah.
Congrats, Phyl.
It's so edgy.
I have been wanting to be Santa for years.
I believe I have the right temperament
and the figure to do the job well.
I slipped a note to Jim 11 weeks ago, and he said I could do it.
It's been a long journey.
But I'm Santa Claus!
So, Santa, what can we expect from this party?
It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good.
What if you've been bad?
Then nothing but a lump of coal for you.
What if you've been really, really bad?
More evil than strictly wrong.
Hey, Creed? We covered it. Lump of coal.
Yeah.
For the past several weeks,
my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine
that I've been attempting to assemble.
I'm suspicious of this, because I had the exact same idea
for catching Osama bin Laden.
I would simply send him a different piece each day.
He would assemble it to find himself
in jail!
You know, Oscar, every time I make this lasagna
people ask me if it's a family recipe,
but really, I just get the recipe from the box.
That's funny.
Is it funny? I thought it was more interesting than funny.
I think my water just broke.
That's too funny.
Oscar and the warehouse guy.
Go, Oscar! Go, gay warehouse guy!
Here's Santa!
Hey, little girl, what would you like for Christmas?
Ooh! You have been a very naughty girl, I see.
Michael, we already have a Santa. Phyllis.
What the hell is going on?
Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa?
Yeah. Phyllis.
Yeah. I told her a long time ago she could do it.
Take it back. That is absurd.
No. I'm not gonna do that.
No, Jim, come on!
I think she's doing a good job.
Lately, there have been serious rumors that our company's going bankrupt,
so David Wallace asked me to keep morale high.
So I asked around about what people wanted with Christmas,
and I told them to get creative.
And they didn't really get creative, exactly.
Secret Santa, karaoke, food,
kind of the usual thing that we do here, which is great.
And people usually argue about food,
so I told everybody to bring their favorites.
I made an organized signup sheet for karaoke
so that there was no fighting
and no crying.
I'm doing a good job, I think, because this year,
I care.
It's weird. I know.
It's insane! A woman Santa? Where does it stop?
No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here.
Doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious,
me not playing Santa? Come on!
I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa.
Fine. Then do it anonymously. Ransom-note style. You can...
You know what? I have a bunch of letters
cut out of magazines in my desk.
You can use those.
If this were Russia, yeah, sure,
everybody would go to one Santa,
and there would be a line around the block,
and once you sat on her lap
and she asked you what you wanted,
you would say, probably, freedom,
at which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia.
It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.
Name?
Kelly.
And what would you like for Christmas?
I would like the photographer, please, Santa.
We'll talk.
So far, people really seem to like the party this year.
We took some chances and it's working out.
Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!
Why pay more to sit next to old Trannie Claus over there
when you can sit on my lap?
Phyllis is only pretending to be a man. I'm the real thing!
Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt!
Okay. Okay.
No, it's not, like, penis-wise.
Hello, little boy! What's your name?
Michael, it's me, Kevin.
Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap.
Oh, I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you and hates your body,
but Santa remembers a reindeer
that was just a tiny bit different as well.
When can I sit on your lap?
Right now! Come on over here, big boy!
There we go! Oh, my God.
That's really comfortable.
What would you like for Christmas, little boy?
I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.
Well, what did you think was going to happen?
I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.
All right, just say some toys, please.
Can you give me some choices?
'Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list.
Damn it, Kevin. Come on.
What about if I tell you the things I don't want?
Okay, get off! Get off! Off!
Oh, God!
I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted.
Okay, you know what you get?
You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you
so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.
Awesome.
Foot's asleep.
Oh, God. My whole leg.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
All right, that's better. Who's next?
Well?
I'm trying, Phyllis. You're Santa.
The only Santa. That's what I want.
You promised me this. Don't make me get Bob involved.
What would Bob do?
Never mind. I shouldn't have said that.
Check it out.
In fourth grade, Bronwyn Reinhart stabbed me with a pencil,
scarred me for life.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, I see it.
Yeah, so I know how it feels.
Does it hurt?
It stings a lot.
Hmm.
I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts.
I know, right?
So far no one will admit to it.
Is it you?
Yeah!
Totally. I admit it. It's me.
Seriously?
Seriously?
Are you serious? Is... What... Is it you?
When you're... I don't... Are you...
Oh, no, no, no. I'm saying... Are you asking...
I'm saying, are... I don't...
It's you... No... Is it...
Yeah. Totally serious. I'm your Secret Santa. Busted!
There he is.
Hey, man. Hey.
Is Matt around? I've got his check.
Matt is on a delivery. Just leave it here. I'll take it.
I'll just wait for him.
You'll wait?
You're gonna wait to give a guy you don't know his check?
Spirit of Christmas.
Right. Christmas.
Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think?
I'll just leave it here with you.
All right, thank you.
Come here! Come here! Come here!
I'm doing something over here. Come on! Ah!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Come on, I need this. Come over here!
Just sit down!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Is everything okay? Yeah. Yeah.
Ryan and I are just having some fun.
Can I just talk to you for a second? Yeah.
No, now. Okay, what?
You can't yell out, "I need this, I need this,"
as you pin down an employee on your lap.
Okay. You know what, Jim?
With two Santas in the room, things get ruthless.
Yeah. Do you understand? You forced my hand.
Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa.
Do we? Do we? Is that what we want?
Why don't we take a vote on it?
Great.
Hey! Okay, everybody.
The office is being pulled apart. I realize that.
There are traditions at stake.
And there are women... Who wants Phyllis as Santa?
No, no, no! Wait! No! There are other choices.
There's information that we... Are you kidding me, Kevin?
After you almost killed me?
Michael, I had you. I just want to try Phyllis.
And if you want Michael as Santa, raise your hand.
Can I get you some punch?
I... No, I'll get some punch. That looks delicious.
Michael!
Excuse me.
Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun,
I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger.
How do you know it's a gun?
What else does it look like?
Not a gun.
Well, I don't have all the pieces yet.
Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun.
Not a gun.
In the North Pole, I spend many nights alone tinkering with toys.
So today, let's put a twinkle in old Kris Kringle's eye.
Let the party begin!
I don't ask for much for Christmas. I really don't.
It's not like I am begging people to buy me diamonds
and broach pendants.
Oh!
"Buy me something expensive, or I'm gonna kill myself." That's not...
I don't care about that! All I want to be is Santa.
And you want to take that away from me, fine.
Go ahead.
But when you need my help
because I am ruining everything,
don't look at me!
Behold,
Jesus Christ.
And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings.
I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas.
Those of you who wish to join me, that's great.
I am excited by that,
and those of you who don't,
I forgive you, but I never forget.
Wow, Michael. This must be obvious how wrong this is.
The Antichrist.
Okay, you can't...
Look, you cannot push religion.
But I can push drugs in here.
Is that what you're saying? No.
Well, you have to pick one or the other. Your choice.
Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime,
I am going to spread my goodness all over this company!
Hello, workers.
Salt of the earth.
Listen to what I am saying unto you.
I am Jesus.
Okay, I need everybody to stop what you're doing
and watch this.
Thank you, Darryl. Thank you, my son.
Everyone, I have heard your cries for rest,
and I am inviting you up to our Christmas party,
where you can eat and drink and have fun.
Hell, yeah. Let's go, y'all. Thanks, Mike.
Everyone, everyone, please welcome our friends from the warehouse.
I command thee to mingle and make merriment.
Libations and food, please, enjoy.
Enjoy.
That was very nice of you.
Yes, actually nicer than Santa. Jesus doesn't judge.
The only problem is we only have food for us.
So would've loved a heads up on this.
Well, would've loved to have been the central gift-giving figure,
but I guess neither of us is getting what we want, right?
Look, I can barely pretend to like the people up here.
What am I supposed to say to Artie?
Hey, Phyllis?
Could you not reveal to Erin that I'm her secret Santa?
All right, sweetie, I'll just tell her it's Michael.
Okay.
Santa, if you were a woman, I'd kiss you.
Are either of you guys friends with,
or ever hang out with any cleaning ladies?
Um, I have to find a new one, 'cause mine died.
First training session is free.
I'll show you the ropes, and get you on track with the nutrition side.
My goal is to look like you,
like a big, white, you.
How do I feel about the warehouse guys showing up at our Christmas party?
Well, I could tell you,
or I could show you.
This is how I feel.
I saw three ships come sailing in
Have you talked to him?
What?
Matt.
Is it that obvious?
No. Hey.
Hmm.
Good pâté, right? Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar?
I don't think so.
Hey, Oscar, come here.
Oscar, this is Matt, and Matt loves your pâté.
I had some.
Oscar's pâté's great.
I could eat it all day, every day. Mmm.
How come the good ones are never straight, right?
Oscar likes biking,
and classical movies, French films mostly, right?
Mmm... Yeah?
Okay. That's all I'm gonna say. Classical music.
And new music. Radiohead.
I like Radiohead.
We should all go to a concert together.
Are we still doing that thing
where we take new people to the office to a concert?
Okay, Pam. Okay.
Look. Pigs in a blanket.
So, Victor, is it?
Yeah. Victor.
Nice meeting you.
Nice to meet you.
Yes. They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.
So, guys, this is more like finger food.
Uh-oh! A lasagna. Look out, Garfield.
Uh-oh! What does that mean?
Oh, they call me Garfield.
I've never seen a lasagna and not eaten the whole pan.
I wish you wouldn't.
Oh, well, I can't help myself.
Can you imagine what it's like for me,
that it has that power over me?
I gotta have some.
Sorry, guys. Everybody get some?
I got mine. Okay.
All right, I just got out of the restroom, and it stinks.
The warehouse needs to go.
Okay, wait. How do you know it's someone from the warehouse
who stunk up the bathroom?
They stink up the bathroom with their smelly poos,
because they don't eat as quality food as us
'cause they're poor. It's science.
That is so offensive
and thought out.
Maybe if we just took some time to try to get to know them,
rather than constantly complaining... Garfield! Garfield!
Garfield! Garfield! Garfield!
Do it, girl.
That woman is a beast. Garfield! Garfield!
Garfield! Garfield...
Yeah!
I am so very glad that you joined us here on this festive occasion.
You look like Gandalf.
No, I'm Jesus, and we're celebrating my birthday.
Seriously, though, Mike, you should take that off, man.
It's offensive, even to me.
Merry Christmas, Creed.
Thanks, Santa. I love it.
And he doesn't even know what it is.
And it's probably terrible, so save the receipt.
Get the receipt, Creed.
This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch.
We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot!
Uh-oh! What's Dwight gonna get? What is it?
Yes!
Oh, yes! It's space garbage.
Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.
Deck the halls with crappy gifts
And Stanley, ho, ho, ho, you've been very good this year.
I have.
Yeah, except for cheating on your wife.
Adultery's a sin. Look it up in the Bible, people.
What'd he get?
He got scented candles.
Well, that's appropriate. A lot of fire where you're going.
Better get used to it.
You're going to H-E-L-L, double hockey sticks.
Going to hell, Stanley.
Amen.
And this brings us to you, little one.
I can't see from here, people. Somebody shout it out.
Don't make me get up.
It's fabric. I really wanted this.
That's fantastic! You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
Andy, was this you?
It's a secret.
No, Andy had Erin. - It was a secret.
- Michael! - You...
What? Was I not supposed to say?
What? Turn it back on.
No.
Yes, Michael. What is so urgent?
David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ.
He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
Michael...
I am Jesus, David, and you know why?
Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa.
Michael... What?
This is a very, very bad time.
Really? What's going on?
Stephanie, can you hop off, please?
Sure, David.
What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time?
Do you want me off this call too, Michael?
Hey, what? Get off! Get off the phone!
Listen, I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer.
The board will have no choice but to approve,
and they are going to clean house.
What does that mean?
I'll be fired.
Well, can't Alan protect you?
Alan will be out, too. All of us.
All of us?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'm sorry you can't be Santa.
I do have to go. Goodbye, Michael.
Earlier today, this office needed a Santa.
And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus.
And now,
it needs a Michael.
And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into.
Hey, how's everybody doing?
Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half.
That was a different guy. That was Jesus.
Jesus sort of ruined the party.
Hurt, petulant Jesus.
Are you serious? That is so offensive.
You know what's even more offensive,
is bailing on this party because some jerk ruined the first part of it.
Dwight, come here.
Here's my debit card. I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas
and meet me in the conference room.
What's your pin number?
I don't want to say.
But it's fun to stay at the...
It's fun to stay at the...
Where? Holiday Inn. I don't...
I thought that you would like it.
It was a little much, Andy.
Well, it's the thought that counts.
What were you thinking?
I suppose a gentleman might throw in the towel at this point.
Guess what. Not gonna happen.
You know what? Christmas isn't about Santa or Jesus.
It's about the workplace.
The exact opposite of what you just said is true.
See, that's exactly something that Jim would say,
and I love him for it.
All of you feel like my family.
Ryan, you are my son, and Pam, you're my wife, and Jim...
And Angela and Phyllis, you are my grandmas.
And Oscar, you just moved in next door
because of urban renewal.
And Stanley, you're our mailman.
And I can't help but look at all of your wonderful, beautiful faces
and think, "How could they do this to us?"
What?
How could we do what to you?
That's not... Never... Nothing. - Why would we...
We deserve to know.
I didn't say anything!
We're going out of business!
What? What?
You are kidding me.
Wait, wait, wait. Who said that?
David told me on the phone. David told me.
When? When did he tell you, today?
Earlier today, he said we have been sold.
What?
- Dwight! Jesus. - Come on!
Michael, wait. So they said we are sold.
David is gone, Alan is gone. We're all gone.
Okay, but we haven't gone under.
We've been sold, and that can mean many different things.
It's hard for me to imagine a scenario
where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not.
No offense, Meredith. No, I get it.
Did he say anything about the warehouse?
No, but he's always held you guys in high regard.
You two are the worst bosses!
You are. You never know anything.
It's like the blind leading the blind. "Guess, guess, guess."
Relax. Okay, I can still fire you.
We better get some answers soon, or it's gonna get real litigious up in here.
Like, you're gonna sue? Who're you gonna sue? For what?
You have no idea. The law protects the plaintiffs.
I'll call him. I'll call David.
No you won't, because he's not picking up his phone.
Yes, I will, because I always know how to get through to him.
He told me where his kids go to school.
I call the school. I tell them I'm the pediatrician.
They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice.
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.
Hey, sweetie, what is it?
It's not sweetie. It's Michael Scott.
What the hell? Stephanie, could you hop off, please?
Michael, I have never...
David... ...never, ever...
David, you are on speakerphone
with the entire branch and the warehouse.
Hi, David. - Hey, David.
Hi, everyone.
David, they do not believe me
when you told me that everyone was canned.
You weren't supposed to tell anyone, Michael.
Well, I think we're past that now.
I am not supposed...
Okay, fine. Guys, I was really
only talking about Alan, myself,
and a few other execs you don't know.
Oh, my God. David, that's horrible.
How about us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.
Look, they're buying the company for the distribution.
You guys are the only thing about this company that works.
So congratulations.
We're not fired?
No. Congratulations.
All right! Yeah!
Come on!
It's a Christmas miracle!
Yeah!
Walk a lonely road
Only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's all to me and I walk alone
It's true. Yes.
We all walk alone. Jim.
Jim. - Come on. Shall we?
Jim.
My shadow's the only one That walks beside me
Take it away, Andy.
Wow.
Yeah. That was the idea. Thank you.
Awesome. Thanks, man.
Christmas tree Thou leaves are so unchanging
Of course!
You got it?
What is that?
I have no idea.
Well, maybe those will help.
Michael, please. Come on.
Sorry. Sure.
Nice to meet you, Oscar.
Nice to meet you, Mark.
It's Matt. Right, Matt.
I know what I'm doing, Pam.
Oh, man!
I can use this for so many nuts.
Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans,
almonds, clams, snails.
Not in front of the kid.
This is a great party.
Did you buy the company just to save your Christmas party?
I promise I will never buy a company without telling you first.
Hi, Santa.
Hi, Michael.
Okay.
I'd like to make a wish.
What?
I would like an Xbox and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox.
And I'm sorry.
An Xbox it is, because I've decided you're a good boy.
Scott, what in the hell is going on here?
No, no, no. We worked it out. You called Bob? Phyllis!
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It was earlier today.
Okay.
Hi, sweetheart. You okay, baby?
I'm good, baby.
Oh, God. Get a room, Santas.
Fresh nut?
I don't mind if I do. Thank you.
Thank you, Santa.
Okay, happy holidays.
It's real slippery out here.
Oh, my God.
Twelve drummers drumming.
Merry Christmas, Erin. Take it away, boys!