The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 11 - Shareholder Meeting - full transcript

Not again.
Bow down before Recyclops.
Five years ago corporate said we had to start
a recycling program for Earth Day,
so Dwight took the lead on that,
and introduced us to a very close friend of his named Recyclops.
Happy Earth Day, everyone. I'm Recyclops.
Did you know that an old milk carton
can be sawed in half and used as a planter?
The next year, he really stepped things up.
Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?
A year after that, Recyclops really began to take shape.
Recyclops will drown you in your over-watered lawns!
Then tragedy struck Recyclops when his fictional planet
was attacked by some other fictitious thing, I can't remember.
Recyclops will have his revenge!
I think this was also the year that he renounced Earth Day
and vowed to destroy the planet he once loved.
Oh, my God, you guys, look! It's Recyclops!
Recyclops destroy!
Oh, is today Recyclops Day? Yes.
I thought you were killed by Polluticon or something.
Polluticon wishes.
That's aerosol spray. It's terrible for the environment.
Humans are terrible for the environment.
The thing I like most about Recyclops
is that he's creating a different world for our child.
Hmm.
A world where you truly can be anything you want.
God bless you, Recyclops,
and your cold robot heart.
Okay. Okay. How about this?
That's great.
I want it to be better than great, Pam.
How about I remain seated and I just do a little bit of a nod,
sort of a humble thing? Sure.
No. Then my face is down. They can't see my face.
And it looks like you're taking a dump.
Alan Brand who's the CEO of the company,
if title is important to you,
has personally invited moi to go to New York
to the shareholders' meeting
and sit up on the stage with the board of directors.
And at some point, they're going to introduce me
as the most successful branch manager that they have.
And then Michael Scott turns and waves to the crowd.
And the crowd goes wild.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Scranton, Pennsylvania,
please welcome Michael "The Machine" Scott!
Oh.
Don't do the twirl. Lose the twirl.
Twirl sucks. Michael, I hated the twirl.
Hate the twirl.
Okay, obviously I'm not going to do the twirl.
I only did it because I nailed the wave.
Yeah, good. Don't do it.
I'm not going to do the twirl, all right?
It's not even a twirl. It's a spin.
I might do the spin.
The long-term problem is bad investments that they need to dump.
And the short-term problem is the company
has no cash and there's nowhere to get it.
Okay, Oscar. I don't need the whole enchilada, just bullet points.
Those are the bullet points.
Well, could you condense it, please?
That's as simple as I can make it.
Michael, the limo's here for you.
It's not a limo, it's a town car.
Town cars are actually better, though,
better torque, better handling.
He said limousine, so...
Check it out, guys, there's a limo down here.
Michael, look.
Oh, man! It's a limo.
They sent a limo.
Town cars suck. A town car
is something that a company sends when they're in trouble.
A limousine is something that a company sends
when they have cause for celebration.
And in this case, I think we are celebrating me.
Move it! Quick!
Wow! Wow!
Oh, no way! Yeah!
What kind of mileage does this baby get?
It's like what high school kids take to prom on TV shows.
So typical of management to spend money on this.
Bunch of boobs!
Hate to break it to you, Oscar, but some of us like boobs.
Calves. Calves all the way.
I'm so jealous right now.
Hey, you know who you should be jealous of?
Yourself.
Because you're invited, and you're invited,
and you're invited, and you, and you,
and you and you and you and you... Car seats eight.
What? The car seats eight.
The limo seats eight.
Okay, then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest.
No. No, thanks.
I'll use it when you're done.
Mmm.
Whoa.
The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is DMI.
Do you know what that stands for?
Dummies, Morons and Idiots,
because that's what you'd have to be to own it.
And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.
I wish the windows weren't tinted
so people could see us in here.
Hey, guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Definitely. Definitely. Smells like it.
Look, they got pillows.
That, that's bigger than my bed.
Word. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Who's playing with the button?
Hey, Ryan, could you start consolidating
all our Rolodex information into Outlook?
Doesn't seem like there's much of a point
if the company's going under.
But if the company doesn't go under,
then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program.
Company's probably going under, though. It could go either way.
Seems like it's leaning one way.
Maybe we should just wait and find out.
Definitely. Okay.
So should we wait to find out before we start doing all this stuff?
Nah. Might as well do it now.
Michael, what if somebody asks you a question at this meeting?
Are you just going to wave or what?
I will have to answer.
I'll ask you a question.
Make it a softball.
Something he can, like, crank out of the park.
Michael Scott, you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin.
Yeah. How do you do it?
No, no, that's too hard. Say, your name is Zamboni,
and then I will say, "Well, we're sort of on thin ice."
Uh-oh!
I won't say that. I'll say something like that.
This is your big day. Come on.
Whoo. Oh, my God. This is it.
Mr. Scott? Yes.
I'm Laurie. Oh, hi.
Thank you for joining us. Come with me.
Well, thank you. And please call...
Continue to call me Mr. Scott.
Okay.
If you just want to follow me I'll take you up to the lounge.
Well, I guess this is as far as I can take you guys, so...
Good luck, Michael. See you later.
Officers. Thank you.
After you, Mr. Scott.
Thank you.
Michael. Hello.
So glad you could make it. Thank you.
How was the ride?
Oh. It was awesome. Very, very sublime.
I'm glad. I want to introduce you to everyone.
Okay. First we'll start with Alan Brand.
Alan, CEO.
Michael Scott, Branch Manager, Scranton.
It's nice to meet you, Michael. Nice to meet you, too.
It's an honor and a privilege.
Seated, we have the former congressman, Chris O'Keefe.
Your eminence.
For those of you with questions, please line up
behind one of the four microphones
that have been placed in the aisles.
Coming through!
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Damn it!
What... Okay.
I was hoping to lob Michael a softball question early.
I wanted to swing by the Garment District,
pick up a few crates of my shirts.
I got a shirt guy.
Would you believe this?
The money they spent on this convention hall!
Excuse me, miss.
Just want to take this stupid board of directors by their necks.
This is so simple.
Yeah. Idiots!
Well, you should do that. Get in line.
Oh, what a great idea, and lose my job. No, thank you.
Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids
you stood up for yourself
during America's biggest financial crisis?
How is he going to have grandkids?
You guys ever protect the President?
No.
What about Madonna or Obama twins? Anybody famous?
Not supposed to talk about it.
Nelly Furtado.
All right, guys.
Are you ready?
Rock and roll.
Dunder Mifflin is still a strong company,
and we are poised to come through this
more streamlined and profitable than ever.
This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
It was fun when we weren't on the brink of bankruptcy.
We're going bankrupt, you think?
They are really angry.
The shareholders need to empower our leadership...
I'm just going to run to the bathroom.
Will you save my place? Sure.
No. He will not.
Excuse me?
Oh, I'm sorry. Were you raised in a household with no consequences?
Lt'll just be a second.
Oh.
If onlys and justs were candies and nuts
then every day would be Erntedankfest.
...and we're confident there are many things
to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future.
And one of them is here with us today.
Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.
Yes!
In these uncertain times,
Michael has managed to maintain steady profits
from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael.
Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape,
our new waste pulp repurposing plant in Milford.
Hey, Phyllis, are you just getting back from lunch now?
Mmm. Bob took me to Capello's.
We got a little tipsy.
Okay.
Shouldn't be telling me that stuff,
and also shouldn't be taking two-hour lunches without telling me.
Oh, it's okay. Michael doesn't really care about these things.
I care about them. And I'm just as much of a boss as Michael.
What's so funny? I'm a co-manager.
That doesn't make you a boss.
It's not like you can fire people or anything.
Who... How did you... Who told you this?
We can't say. Ryan.
Sorry. I'm plastered.
Okay, who else has heard the rumor
that I am not as much in charge as Michael?
Stuff gets around. I don't participate.
Who here heard it from Ryan?
Does an e-mail count?
Yes.
Then, yeah.
I am just as much of a boss as Michael,
and I can do anything that Michael can do.
All right?
Who here believes that I have as much power as Michael?
I forgot I have to support him, no matter what.
Close one.
These questions are bush league.
You should get up and say something.
You got to be true to what's in there.
Don't be a wuss.
I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel.
In high school I organized a walkout over standardized testing.
Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs.
At the last second, I chickened out, took it anyway.
Got a 1220. Always regretted it.
I feel lachrymose.
Believe me, everyone is working very hard,
working weekends, struggling, trying to right the ship.
You're criminals!
Hey, hey, hey, I'm sorry. These are not criminals.
They're nice. They invited me to come here today.
They invited me to their hospitality suite,
where I had free food and it was delicious.
Get this, you know how nice they are?
They sent a stretch limo
all the way to pick me up in Scranton.
Limousine? Yes.
You're all corrupt! You should be in jail!
Quiet! Quiet, please! Please, quiet!
Quiet, please! We want to hear your questions.
Do you love her, or do you love the idea of her?
I don't know, man. I just don't know.
I've got to make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?
Can you actually fire people?
To be honest, I don't know.
But maybe I could just yell at him in front of people.
Well, I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone.
Oh, I yell. You've heard me yell.
Okay. I've heard you exclaim.
Like the time you said, "Hey, look, we parked over here!"
Well, that was apple-picking day.
There was no need to yell that day.
You know, I was just excited to find the car.
Perfect end to a perfect day.
Well, you'll figure it out.
Okay, we're going to take a 15-minute break,
and then we're going to answer more questions.
You haven't said anything yet
and we're headed for bankruptcy!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah, well, that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen.
We'll be back with some answers.
- What? - What answers?
Okay, I know that you're mad at me
and you're mad at all of them...
How are you going to fix the company?
Okay. All right.
All right.
We are going to go out there during this break
and we're going to come back with a plan.
We're going to come back with a plan for you.
It's a 45-day plan.
Forty-five days to get us back on track.
Forty-five points.
It's a 45-day, 45-point, one point per day,
we get to 45 points, we're back in business!
And you can take that to the bank!
And, limo lady,
we are going completely carbon-neutral!
I love you, New York!
You! You!
Hey, Ryan, how's it going?
Here's the thing.
I've tried it, like, five different ways in my head and...
Oh. Got one. I'm such a perfectionist
that I'd kind of rather not do it at all than do a crappy version.
Simple data entry, though. So there's really only one way to do it.
Sounds like you have a really specific vision for it.
Do you want to maybe just take a whack at it?
You know what? What?
I think I know the problem. Great.
I think you seem distracted.
Yep, that is the problem.
And you know what, I came up with something
that I think is really gonna help.
Well, I'm glad you're finally being proactive, Jim.
I am, too. Let me show you.
Wow, things are really picking up.
What was that about?
What?
You were supposed to wave.
I did wave. I did a lot more than wave.
What are we supposed to tell them now?
Okay, you've dug us quite a hole.
We tell them the plan. Right?
There is no plan.
Here's what we're going to do.
The 45-day thing that I outlined, we go with that.
Day 45, company saved.
Day 44, go, what have we got?
We have 15 minutes.
Excuse me?
Just whatever comes to mind, shout it out.
Who the hell is this guy?
I am the guy who roused that crowd.
Yes. Got them on their feet.
They were so happy down there. Yes. Yes.
Who cares?
Okay. All right.
Well, I know a guy, this Mexican guy, he's a math wiz.
He knows economics as well as he knows bullfighting.
And I am going to call in a little favor.
No, no, no. Don't call anybody, Michael.
Well, I'm texting him, so.
Please do not text anybody now, Michael.
It's done.
Oh.
There he is. Come on in, come on in.
Gentlemen, I would like you to meet Oscar.
Come on in, don't be shy.
This is Oscar Martinez.
Oscar, why don't you come over here? Let me present you.
Step up, step up there.
Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the Scranton branch,
and he has a wonderful idea
as to how to get us out of this murky, murky situation.
Take it away.
I think this is really going to help.
If you could just hold up here one second.
Hey, guys, just a quick announcement.
If I could have everyone's attention.
Just figured you needed a place where you could concentrate.
And not be bothered by bothering people.
Okay.
Let me show you what I mean.
Your new office. How great is that, right?
For a job well done. Well, not done.
I will do my work right now.
I will stay late tonight. Right.
I'm very sorry about everything.
You're a good kid. You know what,
it gets bigger once you're in there.
Enjoy it.
Is there Internet?
Tell them what you told me. This is genius.
Tell them about the cash flow
and the dumping of properties and...
This is all good. It's all good stuff.
Lay it on them.
I feel, as does Mr. Scott,
that we are in the best of hands,
capable hands.
That wasn't what you were saying to me.
He was much more articulate
and that was better, much better.
I think this has gone very well and I thank you.
Okay.
Oh.
Hey, hey. What were you doing?
Michael, I didn't ask to come up here.
Wow, man! What?
That was embarrassing.
For me. For me, too.
For you and me? You embarrassed me.
Well...
That was a waste of a text.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
I think that we might be in trouble.
We don't seem to have a plan,
so I'm thinking I go down there,
maybe rattle off a few jokes, congressman can follow.
He's our best manager? Where's the off button on this moron?
I'm not a moron.
Time after time, my branch leads in sales.
I have personally won over 17 Dundie Awards, so I am not a moron.
And I'm just trying to help, you know? So, you're the moron.
Yes, it is a thrill to be honored by one's company.
To have the people that you work for stop for a minute
and say, "Wow, great job!" That's what it's about.
He can take the bus. He's had his limo ride.
That is what it is all about.
Not the perks. The perks...
The perks, I could take or leave the perks.
Oscar, Oscar! Come on!
But limos are for people who make the company money,
not lose millions and have no plan.
There he is, there he is!
So we're leaving early.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Michael! Oh, yeah!
After all, we are the only ones with anything to celebrate.
Scranton! Scranton! Scranton! Scranton!
Dunder Mifflin!
The gentleman in the glasses.
Dwight Schrute, Scranton Branch.
I just want to say that I have been standing in this line all day.
And if this line is any indication
of how this company is being run,
then we are in big trouble.
Thank you. Right, I know.
And I just want to say that
I believe that there are options out there.
A take-a-number option, like they have in a deli.
What about line varieties?
Like an express line for quick comments of 10 words or less.
That could move much more efficiently.
What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to?
Thank you.
Thank you for your suggestions.
Yes.