The Office (2005–2013): Season 6, Episode 10 - Murder - full transcript

Got you! Broken arm.
Boom! Boom! Boom!

Broken nose! Boom! Boom! Boom!
Broken nose! Gonna flip you.

Once a year, Dwight holds
a seminar updating us

on the newest developments
in the world of karate.

Because,
as we all know,

the one thing that thousand-year-old
martial arts do all the time

is change.

How can I pose this to
you in a relatable way?

You are all members
of the Yakuza,

and you happen to be visiting
the Lackawanna Trolley Museum,

and you are attacked
by Triads.



How can you hold them off
until your clan arrives?

You cannot go wrong
with a throat punch.

Okay, so there's no defense
for that. Good to know.

No, there is a defense for
that. Let me demonstrate.

Someone attack me.
Kevin, go!

No way.

Last time, you pulled
my pants down,

and then you tried to
choke me with my shoelace.

False. I did choke you with
your shoelace. Now come at me!

Okay, with all due respect
to everyone here,

I think the most worthy
opponent of you is you.

That is correct, unless there
happen to be measles present.

So let's just say that Dwight has
come at you with the throat punch.

Now, how would you, Dwight,
defend against it?



Easy. Allow me
to demonstrate.

I am attacking myself with a
throat punch. Here it comes.

Block. Grasp wrist as such.

And what if he comes at
you with the other hand?

Because he does have two.

Good point. Second throat
punch. Absorb the blow.

Groin punch. Hit,
block, elbow to the gut!

Uh-oh! Up to the nose!
No, you're not!

Oh, my God, he's making
you look like such a fool.

He really is,
but not for long.

Ow! God! Instep!
Not again!

You let go! You let go! I can't hold on!

You two are so
evenly matched,

I don't know how one of you
is gonna get the upper hand.

The important thing
to remember, Jim,

we always have what is called
the element of surprise.

But I would say
my favorite art form

is a tie between sculpting
and stand-up comedy.

I did stand-up comedy once.

You did?
Yeah, I killed.

That sounds like
it was hilarious.

It was hilarious.

Michael?
Yes?

What is the meaning of this
e-mail that everyone got?

You'll have to be
more specific, Dwight.

I get like
eight e-mails a day.

This one. "From David Wallace
to all Dunder Mifflin."

Whoo-hoo! Shout-out.

"Hello, everyone. I'm sure you've
seen the item in the Journal.

"Just want to stress,
it's all conjecture.

"If there's any concrete
news, you will know ASAP."

Erin, do we have
the Journal?

Your "feelings journal"?

You told me to put it
in the time capsule.

Did you?
Michael,

he means The Wall Street
Journal online.

Oh, "The wall."

I found the article.

"On a day marked by panicked
corporate board meetings,

"one that is relatively
unsurprising is Dunder Mifflin's.

"It is rumored that
they will recommend..."

And the article cuts off.

It's $1.99 to
finish the article.

I wonder what
it was gonna say.

Are you serious?

I got it, I got it. Oh!
Tuna beat me to it.

"It is rumored that they will
recommend declaring bankruptcy?"

No, no. That doesn't
make any sense.

Oh, Lord, we're all
gonna lose our jobs.

Not necessarily. Bankruptcy
could mean a lot of things.

Maybe they're just
restructuring to get out of debt.

Right.
Oh, that sounds awful.

Or it could mean
the end of Dunder Mifflin.

Oh, God! Well, that's
an interesting theory.

You know what?

You can all have jobs at Schrute
Farms as human scarecrows.

It doesn't pay much
and you can't unionize.

I'm sorry,
Michael. David's in a meeting.

Ah, well, maybe you
should spy on him.

Oh, my God!
Wouldn't that be hilarious?

I'll just have him call
you back when he's free.

Okay, okay. Good.

I'll catch you on
the flippity-flip. Bye!

He's busy.
Call me back when he's free.

Michael, are you okay?
Did you throw up in there?

No, just pooping.
You know how I be.

But it smells like
throw-up in here.

Crazy world,
lot of smells.

You guys, what if this
is our last day at work?

What if we never see
each other ever again?

I like Erin.
There, I said it.

I was kind of hoping
she would ask me out,

but things have not
panned out on that front,

so, it's time
for the Nard-Dog

to take matters
into his own paws.

Everything is gonna

We have to do something, because
people are losing it out there,

wondering what's
gonna happen.

Okay, we need some sort of
distraction for everybody.

Is there anything new
on YouTube? Michael...

Doesn't even need
to be good. Oh, God!

I can't think.
I need more Mullins.

Listen, Wallace said these
were just rumors, right?

So we have no reason to think that
the company's anything but fine.

So if we just go on
with our work,

you and me,
they'll follow along.

Monkey see, monkey do.

That's it.
Monkey pee all over you.

That rhymes. So what have
we on the docket today?

We have a monthly
staff meeting.

All right!
Let's conference room it up!

Here's the deal, guys. There
is no new information as of yet,

so I suggest we all
just keep working.

Sure, I'm a little nervous, but doing
our work will make us feel better.

I only slack off
when things are good.

Customers have to use the
coupon code from the website.

And as of now, there
is no differentiation

between the letter O and the zero,

but we are working on that.
Stay tuned for that.

He needs me.
Seat-save infinity.

Okay, great.

Also...
Oh, God! What?

Oh, my God.

What?
Michael, what happened?

Is there news?
There has been a murder!

What?
What?

There's been a murder
in Savannah.

Games have the power to
distract people from stressful situations.

Battleship got me through
my parents' divorce.

Operation got me through my
vasectomy, i.e., "My Operation."

I don't think

I would have been able to
endure my break-up with Holly

had it not been
for Toss Across.

"Belles, Bourbon, and Bullets, a
murder mystery dinner party game."

It is so much fun.

Everybody plays a character,
we go around the room,

we try to figure out
who did it.

Hey, I'm wondering if
this is a terrible idea.

This is my call, Jim. Big
picture stuff. It's about murder.

I thought we agreed that we
wouldn't do things like this.

Tube City.
You owe me one.

Co-managing is
a give and take.

You have to
pick your battles.

One of the battles
that I picked

was to stop Michael
from running plastic tubes

all over the office and
placing hamsters inside of them.

He was gonna call it
Tube City.

So, yes,
I do owe him one...

August 5th, 1955.

It's a sad day
down here in Savannah.

Local magnate Bill Bourbon
was killed last night,

and all y'all have
congregated tonight for a meal

to celebrate Bill as he
passes on to his great reward.

But you're not just here
to pay your respects.

You have to figure out which of y'all is
the no-account scoundrel who killed him.

This is ridiculous.

There will be food. You
leave, you do not get food.

What kind of food?
Sandwich platters.

I'm in.
Baby carrots.

Okay, here are your
character cards.

Take one, pass it down.
Here is your prop box.

Some of your characters
will have props.

Now, on your character card,
it tells you who you are

and what your alibi is.

Everything else is
up to your imagination.

So if you talk slowly
in real life,

your character could, say, have
been kicked in the head by a horse.

Cool. I'll try it.

Okay. Use your
imaginations.

Who did you get?

"Naughty Nellie Nutmeg,

"a vivacious young socialite
with a penchant for scandal."

Ooh!

Saucy.
How about you?

"Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local
bartender and Nellie's brother."

Michael, I don't like
this game. It's scary.

It's not scary.

I don't like
my character.

Who are you?

"Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch
doctor of the Savannah swamps."

I'm not comfortable
with this.

Well, how do you
think I feel?

I mean, I have to play "Caleb
Crawdad," handsome playboy.

Every night
a different woman,

being ogled, having to
hug and kiss and spoon.

I make them
feel beautiful.

Well, well, well!

What is this contraption,
I do declare?

It's my BlackBerry, Michael. I'm
trying to get updates on the company.

Who's Michael? I'm Caleb
Crawdad, I do declare.

You don't have to keep
saying, "I do declare,"

anytime you say something,
it means you're declaring.

That is the way
Southern people talk.

And what designing woman
are you basing that on?

Delta Burke, I do declare.

Now, shall we get
to the mystery?

I'll go.

"My name is Deborah Utante,
Deb for short."

That's clever.
Debutante.

"Bill Bourbon
was my uncle.

"I would have never hurt him any
more than I'd hurt a June bug."

Nice accent. You sound
like Forrest Gump.

I do not.

Well, you do, actually.

You got this kind of like
Florida Panhandle thing going,

whereas what you really want
is more of a Savannah accent,

which is more like molasses just
sort of spilling out of your mouth.

Oh, now do
the Swedish Chef.

I'm not familiar.
What province is he from?

He lives on Sesame Street,
dumbass.

You know, I think I'm supposed
to say something to Pam,

I mean, Deb. Okay.

"I overheard you asking the
butler where the pistol was kept."

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm the butler. What, you
were listening in on that?

Oh, you rich people,
you think you can do

whatever you want
to the servant class!

No, no, no. Don't turn
this into a political thing.

I will poison your food.

I reckon I got
something to say

to Miss Beatrix Bourbon,
if she don't mind.

Ooh, doggy!
We got a party now!

I do believe that
the game is a big hit.

People are really diving
into their characters.

Y'all...

I made a mistake.

Sorry, I'm late, boss.
What's going on?

Sir, there has
been a murder, and you are a suspect.

Okay. Hang on just a second. Let me
settle in, and I'll be right back.

Very good! Very good!

Now, no one was there
in the wine cellar.

Hey there, young lady.

Hello.

I would be remiss if I did
not ask the pretty young lady

out on a date
for this weekend.

Sounds like a plan, sugar.

All right!
A plan it is.

Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your
dalliance with the dark arts.

It's not my fault. I was
exposed to Harry Potter.

I know you did it!

I know she didn't do it. It's
never the person you most suspect.

It's also never the
person you least suspect,

since anyone with half a brain
would suspect them the most.

Therefore, I know the
killer to be Phyllis,

a.k.a. Beatrix Bourbon, the
person I most medium suspect.

Do you want to go out
on a date with me?

We can make out
by the horses.

Well, you know old Nellie is
always up for a romp in the hay.

How about
a threesome?

Yeah.
My boudoir's always open.

Nice.

I'm a little worried I might have
asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin.

Which would be a whole
lot less appealing,

because Naughty Nellie
says yes to everyone,

and she might be
a murderer.

Follow before...

I just got an e-mail
from corporate,

specifically for Accounting, to
stop all payments to our vendors.

What does that mean?

Well, maybe nothing, but it could
be a problem with liquidity...

Whoa! What's this
strange Yankee accent

coming out of
your mouth, son?

This here is Savannah.

Phyllis...

This... Plan...

This plantation, we're
running low on greenbacks,

and we're having problems
paying the people

who give us the seeds and
the dirt. We can't pay them.

Michael, I can't...

Basically, it could mean a lot of
things, but it is unprecedented,

so it's cause for concern.

Okay, I'm going back
to work.

No. No, no, no.
No. No, no.

I'm gonna skip forward to a
really big clue. Here we go.

Well, by now, you figured out
that old Beatrix Bourbon was the killer.

What?

Michael, I was
doing so well.

Are you going to believe
that? That is a...

That's a misdirection.

We still don't know
who the murderer is.

Nellie Nutmeg, come back in
here! I can't do this myself.

Voodoo Mama Juju.
What am I gonna do?

Okay, so corporate is
still in their meeting.

That could be
a good sign.

Hey, everyone, Kevin's gonna
give us his take on the situation.

Let's listen up.

All right, guys, it's a
workday, and you guys work here,

so let's go
do some work.

Now, Jim telling us
all to work,

I think that is
a very good sign.

Don't just say things.

Oh, good, Michael. Listen, I
wrote up those sales targets...

I do believe you have me
mistaken. My name is Caleb Crawdad.

Y'all skedaddled way too soon.
We need to reopen this case.

No, you're not re-opening
the case. The case is closed.

No, it ain't.

Frankly,
I'm not surprised.

A lot of the evidence
seemed to be based on puns.

I was just thinking about
Weekend at Bernie's.

So funny. The guy's
dead the whole time.

I haven't seen it.

Speaking of weekends, you excited
about our date this weekend?

Of course, Nathaniel.

Okay.

Where are you taking me?

Well...

The finest
steakhouse in all Savannah.

Savannah? That's a far way
from Scranton.

Did you mean
a real date?

No.

Did you?

Totally not.

I thought
it was for real.

So I was excited, but
it was part of the game.

You're sure it was water?
It couldn't have been acid?

I already declared you,
it was too dark to tell!

Stop playing games
with me, Crawdad!

This is not a game!
This is my life!

You are out of order, sir! Answer me!

You are out of order!
You are out of order!

I think Michael
may have snapped.

Or maybe he's just
stuck in character.

Well, which is worse?
Snapped or stuck?

Both.
They're both worse.

It's gonna be all right.
We're a good company.

We'll figure this out.
We're not going under.

Jim, what if we both
lose our jobs?

I'm trying to think of a way
that this all ends up fine,

and I can't
think of one.

Deb, what in the world?
Do you have the vapors?

Michael! Not now.
Can't wait.

We have to get you to our
witch doctor right now.

Come on, come on!

I should just go.

Where to now, Caleb?

To Mama Juju Booboo.

Michael, can I...

Okay, I'm just gonna skip right
past the what and go with why?

Because this is the
recreation of a crime scene.

I'm the dead body, and
these are my brain chunks.

Hey, shut up.
You're dead.

Michael, can I talk
to you in your office?

No Michael here. My name is... Caleb!

Today, of all days?
No! You shut up!

They need this game, Jim.

Let us have this stupid
little game, all right?

Oh, you startled me!

My stars, my heart nearly
leapt out of my chest.

What can I do you for?

Wallace is on the phone.
He's returning your call.

Detective Wallace?

I don't think so. I think it's
David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin.

Oh, shucks!
Tell him I'm not here.

You're not gonna
answer the phone?

No, I only answer
to Detective Wallace,

'cause I got a warm body
in the other room.

I'll take it.

Hey, David.

Hey. Sorry to be getting
back to you guys so late.

Things are still
a bit unclear.

We didn't officially
decide anything yet.

Oh, okay.

But if I can be candid with
you here, Jim, it's not good.

We fully expect to be out of
money by the end of the year.

Insolvent.

So, well, you know what?
I'm sorry. I have to run.

But we will talk soon, okay? Sure.

Okay. Oh, you know, while I have you,

today I was working on this
pitch for a supermarket chain...

Great... and it would
actually be a big account.

Okay, look,
you know what?

I can't really get my
head around anything

like that right now,
but that's great.

Keep after it,
but I gotta run.

Okay.
Thanks, Jim.

See you.

What's the news?

Nothing yet.

Well, I guess
that's not...

Well, there is
some bad news.

There has been
another murder.

A murder, you say?

I do declare.

Conference room, everyone.

Do we have to play?

No.
Super.

Oh, this could be
a juicy one.

Get in there!
Get in there!

I think today was a
good day to have two managers,

because if you're a family stuck on
a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean,

one parent might want
to just keep rowing.

But if the other parent
wants to play a game,

it's not because
they're crazy.

It's because they're doing it
for the kids. And I get that now.

There has been
a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue.

My little heart can
barely take it no more.

Today is the hardest
I have worked in a long, long time.

I didn't do it!
Okay.

Everybody just calm down. I am calm.

Count of three, we're all
gonna put down our guns.

I have crossbows.

We'll put down our weaponry
on the count of three.

Okay.

You ready?
- I'm ready.

One, two...

Two.

Three.
Three.

Andy revealed himself
to be a double agent,

at which point,
Dwight felt comfortable

revealing that he also
was a double agent,

and then, Michael
announced to everybody that,

get this,
he was a double agent.

Oh, and it is 6:00.

Really?

It wasn't me! I'm not
going down for this!

Hey, I want
to go home.

Get the keys out of my
purse, start the car.