The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 7 - Business Trip - full transcript

Did you know that in Morocco
it is common to exchange a small gift
when meeting somebody for the first time?
In Japan, you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment.
In Italy, you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
This is considered to be polite.
Why are you telling us this?
I am jetting off on an international business trip.
Where are you going?
To Canada.
Where is it?
Canada. Okay.
My boss is sending me abroad
to do a presentation to an international client,
and I have always been intrigued by all things international,
the women, the pancakes, the man of mystery.
Meredith, I would like you to pretend that you are from Abu Dhabi.
Hello.
I am ashamed at your naked face.
I must cover it with my jacket.
You are now sexy in your culture.
T-minus...
6.5 days.
One more week.
Pam comes back from New York next week,
and everyone here has just been so excited for me
and involved and intrusive and weird.
One more week.
Do you have your passport?
I have my passport.
Got your per diem?
I have my per diem.
I already know what I am going to spend this on.
I'm going to buy a sweater.
Michael, that's for your food.
Well, I'll just... I'll use different money for that.
I was happy to send Michael on this trip.
He's been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly
up to New Hampshire, and...
But this little perk really seemed to turn him around,
and it's pretty tough to find somebody
who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November.
And business-class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky.
Nothing but the best. Actually better than a five-star hotel
'cause you get a big, cushy seat
and you sit in a row of people
and to eat whatever the mind can imagine.
I think I am going to have a fillet with mushroom sauce.
Well, I'm just glad you're happy
because, you know, I felt bad.
Well, that is all in the past.
And in terms of nightlife, when you get there, just ask the concierge.
They have one of those?
Let's do this!
Wait, why do you need three suitcases?
Two are empty. For souvenirs.
You have your money belt?
I do. It is right here.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You wanna wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra.
No, I don't wanna wear a bra. Here, let me help you.
Stop it! Stop it!
Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country?
I wash my hands of this.
Okay, where's my translator?
- Ici, monsieur. - There he is.
I'm just bidding a bon voyage à la mon petite fiancée.
Translation, goodbye my petite fiancée.
Be good. I will try.
Meaning what?
Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid.
Yeah, baby. That's what I'm talking about.
That could be you if you hadn't forgotten French.
Where is my numbers man?
Here.
There we go! Our town car awaits.
It's just a van.
It's not just a van.
Look, I know my way around a van.
That is just a van.
Dwight, can you get those, please?
Welcome to Cribs, the business-class edition.
Check this out. Mimosa.
Sweet. Handed it to me as I sat down.
This was my hot towel. It is still wet.
Michael G. Scott rolling like a pimp.
Take a sip of that. Mmm-hmm.
Is that good?
Mmm! Don't drink all of it. Give some to Oscar.
That's really good. I'm good.
You want one of your own? I can hook you up.
I'm sorry, you'll need to keep moving.
Yes, this is Beth. This is my personal valet/flight attendant,
and she will be helping me this morning.
We need to keep the aisle clear.
Yes. Get back. Get back. Oh. All right.
Come on. Get back to the slums. Here we go.
Oh, boy.
You guys, check it out.
My own personal DVD player and 20 movies.
Andy brought one, too.
Harry and the Hendersons.
Keep it down.
I made egg-salad sandwiches. Do you want one?
Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane?
My God, Oscar, really.
Do you have a bag of baby poop in there, too, to share with everybody?
No, I'll be ordering my own food.
Thank you very much. Hi.
Hi.
I'd like to see a menu, please.
Oh, I'm sorry, there are no meals on flights less than two hours.
Okay.
Doesn't matter because I'm going to take a nap.
I think I'm going to use my complimentary blindfold.
I will don it and... Oh.
Look at that,
I can't see because I am in...
God!
And what would you like to drink?
Just checking out where I'm gonna be pretty soon
when Pam gets back.
It's gonna be close quarters.
Gonna be a lot of tension.
For you. I'm with Darryl.
This looks like where I'll probably do my pushups every day.
Is that supposed to impress me?
No, not gonna happen.
He has hurt me too much and too often,
and I am in a healthy relationship now,
so I'm not going to flaunt it, I'm not going to hurt him,
but that door is closed.
What are we doing? This is so wrong!
Yeah.
This is nice. This is nice.
Move in here. Very sweet.
- I'll check us in. - All right.
Very cool. Very cool.
We are going to find out where the action is, my friend.
Okay. Where's the concierge?
Yes, Wallace said there would be one of those.
Bingo.
Follow moi, bro-sieur.
Wow.
What about a nice sushi place?
Maybe a place with a view?
Oh. Matsuki. It's a good one.
You may walk there if you wish,
or you may take the number 17 bus until 9:00.
Other than that, you can take the taxi,
and the number is right there.
Wow. Wow, I'm blown away by this.
I...
This is great. Thank you.
One final question.
Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight?
Oh. The Huntsman is good.
The Huntsman?
Down here, the financial district.
A concierge is the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha.
This is a woman who has been
trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure,
and when you meet one, it is intoxicating.
Just what the doctor ordered.
I can't believe this.
Are you sure?
I just talked to my advisor. Failing.
Wow. I thought you were good at Flash.
I was. And then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark.
I hate computers.
Okay, okay, it's no big deal.
So you're not a computer geek.
I have to stay and retake it.
Wow. Um...
Well, okay.
That means another 12 weeks.
Can you do another three months of this?
It's not... It's not about me.
I mean, this is your dream.
And you went to New York to do this.
So when you come back, you come back the right way, right?
Right.
You okay?
My cell battery's low, so I have to let you go.
Okay. All right. All right.
Love you. Bye.
Love you, too.
Guys. She's in there.
Engaging wings.
I'm probably going to leave after one drink. Let's do this.
Yeah, with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand.
Excuse me. Hello. Concierge Marie. Michael Scott.
Good to see you again.
Hello. Good to see you.
This is my associate from Dunder Mifflin, Oscar Martinez.
Nice to meet you. Oscar.
Works in accounting.
This is Concierge Marie, who works at our hotel.
You look, how you say, radiant tonight.
Thank you.
And it is, how you say, a beautiful night.
Michael, why?
She's foreign. I...
For madame et monsieur.
Thank you.
You're very welcome.
Thank you, Andy.
Thank you.
Let me get a picture of you guys.
Everybody's going to end up dying some day,
and I think it's better to die
with some people that you like,
like Oscar and Andy and Concierge Marie,
than to know that there's somebody out there
that you love that you're not with.
All right, I've scoped out the joint.
Those two dudes are as good as naked.
How do you even know they're gay?
Come on, it's Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there.
Mademoiselle, beer me deux Long Island Iced Teas, s'il vous plaît.
Bad decision in a glass.
I don't care if you're gay, straight, engaged,
whatever, a guy needs intercourse.
You will thank me when they spank thee.
Don't do this.
You guys like apples?
What?
Do you like apples?
Sorry, what?
How do you like these apples?
All right, on a scale of one to 10,
how hot is that dude?
Is he your boyfriend or something?
No, but he could be yours if you play your cards right.
Dude, leave us alone, all right?
Gentlemen.
What are you doing? Dude, you struck out.
They're totally stuck up. Here. Drink up.
How about this one. It's Christmas Eve... Mmm-hmm.
...and everything is closed and you need to get some dry-cleaning done.
12:00, midnight, where do you go?
What do you do?
What do you do? Come on, what do you do?
Uh... Astro Cleaners on St. James Place
is the only place that is open on that day.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
If you don't mind me asking...
Anything. You can ask me anything.
Okay. I'm your wingman.
It's just that I've sat next to Angela
for a very long, very long time.
Right-oh.
How could anyone stand that woman?
What? What do you see in her?
What do you see in Angela? What do I see in Angela?
I wanna know.
I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle.
She is teaching me to be a better person.
She's working really hard on that.
And she has the softest skin I've ever seen,
and I can't wait to have sex with her.
You haven't had sex?
No.
Are you guys waiting to get married? Or...
Honestly, I don't know what we're waiting for.
Andy, something is wrong with that woman.
What is wrong with her?
I'd like to know. You should call her and ask her.
I'd like to know what's wrong with her.
I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her?
Do it. It's a... Call her.
Oh, my God, don't call her. Don't call her, Andy.
Andy! Oh, my God! It's too late.
It's too late. It's dialing.
Now it's ringing.
Hello? Hello?
What is wrong with you?
Why won't you do Andy?
What? That's Oscar,
and he wants to know why you won't do me,
and I think it's a valid question.
Are you drunk?
This is Andy Bernard!
I know who this is.
I want to take you to sex school.
What?
Who is that, monkey?
Is somebody there?
Are you drunk?
I have needs.
We'll discuss this later.
Naked! What?
We'll discuss it later naked.
I wanna see you naked.
Do you want to get some breakfast or something?
I'm so tired. Okay.
How does everyone know already?
Know what?
Pam failed art school.
Wow. Doesn't surprise me.
Excuse me?
Have you seen her painting, Jim?
The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions.
Dwight, stop it.
What? Are there two suns?
- My God. - Come on.
Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda Galaxy.
All right. I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.
It's totally unrealistic.
There are no lines in the parking lot.
Oscar! Hey.
That was fun last night.
Yeah, it was.
You know, it's true what they say.
Long Island Iced Teas are way stronger in Canada.
Hey, thanks for trying to hook me up.
Are you kidding me? That's what I do.
Get the whole nine nards.
I can't believe we called her up.
Totally.
It's crazy. Wait.
Who?
I'm talking about Angela.
I can't believe we called her up last night.
We called Angela?
You... You called her.
That was real?
I thought I dreamed that.
Oh, God. Oh, God! All right.
Okay. This is so bad.
Good morning, Michael.
Are you ready for the meeting?
Slept like a baby.
This can't happen again.
This has to happen again.
Darryl can't happen again. Look at me.
Do you want me to do more pushups? Yeah.
Okay. You have to break up with Darryl.
I already typed out a text message for you.
All you have to do is press send.
I don't know. I mean, it's well-written and all, I just...
Has to be done. We'll press send together.
Oh, my God, he's gonna kill us.
I'd like to see him try.
Oh.
He says it's cool. He said it's cool!
That's all he wrote?
That's all he wrote.
Can I see it? Mmm-hmm.
Didn't you two date for, like, a long time?
Mmm-hmm. This is like a fairytale.
I'll be honest with you. We've been talking with Catalyst Paper.
Their prices are better than yours.
Look, people continue to come back to us time and time again
because they feel cared for here.
They feel respected, and they feel that their needs matter.
They are treated like human beings.
Everything okay? Yes.
Oh, man, she is so pissed.
She's taking us back to first base.
What's first base with Angela?
I get to kiss her forehead.
I had a good time hanging out this weekend.
I had a good time, too.
Wingman for life. W-M-F-L.
Thank you.
You up for a chest bump?
No.
Bro hug?
Back to basics. I like it.
I had to go all the way to Canada
to get to know a guy who sits 20 feet away from me.
And he's delightful.
Hey, I just heard you guys made the sale.
Yeah, we locked him up for two years.
Good. Very good!
See? I told you. Sounds like somebody had a good trip.
No, actually, the trip sucked.
Excuse me?
The trip sucked, David.
It blew chunks.
It was terrible. It was a bad trip.
I did not like the trip. What are you talking about?
Well, starting with the airport shuttle,
which was basically just a van,
and business class... Okay.
...which was basically just coach,
and the hotel, which sucked big time.
The hotel. What...
It was not... It sucked. Okay.
I'm sorry to hear the hotel was bad.
The Crestmore...
And thanks for the tip on the concierge. That was great.
That was great. That was a...
Okay.
...that was a really good choice.
Hey, hey, hey. Michael.
Please listen for a second.
No, David, you listen to me.
Why'd you send her away? That...
God. You knew I liked her and you just sent her away, and that...
That was a sucky thing to do, man. Michael.
That was a really sucky thing to do.
Sometimes... Sometimes...
Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long?
Certainly not because of the paycheck
'cause I could be making more money as a doctor
or a professional athlete.
I think it's because they respect me.
A boss that will not fire you
even though you just tell him off
right to his face over the phone,
that's respect.
You did it, man. Day one.
Congrats.
Thanks, man.
I'm coming back the wrong way.
It's not because of you.
I don't like graphic design. That's it.
Stop smiling. I really didn't like it.
It's just designing logos and stuff, and I miss Scranton,
but it is not because I missed you.
I just really wanted to come home.
And I know you said to come home the right way,
but you can't tell me what to do. Got it?
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
You're back.
Yeah.
Good.
I need you to make five copies of these.
I'm not going inside.
All right. First thing in the morning, then.
Welcome back.
We're back together again, baby.
We're back.
They tried to keep us apart, but they couldn't.
It was like destiny.
I realized that, for whatever reason,
I just couldn't do better than Kelly.
Aw!
Yeah.