The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 8 - Frame Toby - full transcript

Are you
swallowing them whole?

You're eating them so fast, are
they even touching your tongue?

Yes.

Why aren't you
having any, Angela?

Oh, I ate so many already
when no one was looking.

Yeah, right.

My baby's dieting.

She wants to fit into a special
child-size wedding gown for our big day.

Why do those exist?

It's from
my pageant days.

I was Miss Tiny Mid-Atlantic
Bride when I was 10.



Probably heard of it.

Brownies, is it?

Pastry cubes
made of sugar and fat?

No, thank you.
I'll stick with my jerky.

So why'd you
come in here?

To socialize.
And inform.

Brownies!
I'm taking two,

so I can parcel them up and eat
them at my leisure later on.

Much healthier.

You taking two?

Yeah, but one of them
is for Toby.

Yeah. Why don't you send
that to him in Costa Rica?

I'm just gonna hand
it to him right now.

Okay, weirdo.



Why's that?
Why's that weird?

She said she was going to
give it to him right now.

She's probably going to because
they sit next to each other.

Yeah, they used to.

Toby works here again.

Oh, can you imagine?

Oh, no.
You don't know.

I don't know. What?

You should probably
just meander back there,

take a look,
see if he's back.

Dare I?

You know what? I'm going
to, for old time's sake.

Great practical joke, Jim.
Got me to go to the annex.

Hi, Michael.

No! God!

No, God, please, no!
No! No!

No!

I blame the two of you.
This is your fault.

Michael, Dwight and I
were talking about this,

and we both don't understand how
you didn't realize Toby was back.

I'm concerned
you may have brain damage.

You cannot expect me to keep
track of all of my personnel.

There are a lot of people here and a
lot of different shapes and sizes.

And there is nothing that is even vaguely
interesting about the way that he looks.

So, I'm off the hook.

Maybe you cleaned your ears
too vigorously with Q-tips.

I know where this is going.
You hurt the temporal lobe...

I'm not going to stop
putting Q-tips in my ears.

I don't care
how much it hurts!

Maybe I just block Toby
from my mind.

Oh, interesting.
Continue.

Like someone
who's molested.

Doesn't remember it for years.
Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Maybe it's
Stockholm Syndrome.

Maybe it's
China syndrome.

Could be any one of them.
It's a messed up world.

It is a messed up world.

But it's our messed up world.

Oh, come on!
Do you see this?

Disgusting.

Look at him.

With his stupid face.

Stupid tan.

Yeah. He looks great.
Well-rested.

No. He looks worse.

Yeah.

David Wallace
is on the line for you.

Thank God. David, hello.
We need your help.

Michael,
is everyone okay?

Oh, well,
I'm afraid not.

Toby Flenderson of HR has
made a sudden reappearance.

I don't understand.
Is anyone hurt?

Not on the surface, no. But I can
tell people are disturbed, David.

Michael, you texted me,
"911, call me."

Yes.
All in caps.

Do you know
what "911" means?

I learned a while back
that if I don't text "911,"

people will not
return my calls.

But now people
always return my calls,

because they think that something
horrible has happened.

Toby was hired back because
he knows the branch,

he was available, and I like him.
Okay? And that's that.

With all due respect, David,
this hardly seems like a dialog.

That's because
it isn't, Michael.

Now, what I'm curious about is how
you were able to go an entire week

without knowing a member
of your staff was there.

I did not want to
go back to the annex

because that is where Holly
worked, whom I loved.

Also, it's icky back there.

That's true.
People say it's icky.

Okay. I have to go.

David, wait.
No.

Is there no way
we can get rid of him?

Not without cause, Michael.

I have cause.

It is because I hate him.

You have to get
along with Toby.

No.
Yep.

I don't.

Goodbye, Michael.

Don't do that.

So, Tunes, you still going
to buy your old man's place?

Yeah, I am. Wait.
How do you know that?

I didn't tell you that.

No, I was just
walking by your desk.

I saw some e-mails.

I got peepers
of an eagle.

That's really not cool.

So, Jim,

you're going to live
in the same house

that you used to
pee the bed in?

Yeah. I guess, technically,
Kev, you're right.

Today's a big day.
Today's the day

that I show Pam the house
that I bought for us.

Without telling her.

But it's my parents' house,
the house I grew up in.

And, yeah, I bought
it kind of impulsively.

I mean, the price was good,
and I was helping out my mom.

It's got shag carpets.

I mean, you can't blame my parents.
It was the '70s.

And why would you want to buy
ugly wood from trees

when you can have paneling and a
painting of some creepy clowns

that is apparently crucial to the
structural integrity of the building?

She's gonna love it.

Right?

Could you guys
all do me a favor

and just not talk about
this until I tell Pam?

That'd be great.

You haven't told the
missus about the castle?

You're in for a
spanking, my friend.

Myself and my lady,
no secrets.

Jim, don't listen to Andy.

I think it's so romantic.

Oh, thanks, Phyllis.

Bob bought our house without
consulting me and I loved it.

Yeah? You didn't mind
not choosing?

Oh, no. Not at all.

But Bob's so extravagant, I
knew it would be spectacular.

There's a maze in the
back like The Shining.

Where's your place?

It's on Linden Ave.,
by the quarry.

Cool beans, man.
I live by the quarry.

We should hang out by the quarry
and throw things down there.

Definitely, we should.

"To whoever made
the microwave mess.

"The microwave is
a shared kitchen appliance.

"By not cleaning it up, you are
basically telling whoever follows

"that their time
is less valuable,

"as they will have to scrub
out your disgusting splatter.

"Sincerely,
Disappointed."

That is just obnoxious.

No kidding.
Yeah.

Wait, what?
The mess or the note?

The note.
So "holier than thou."

I liked it.

Don't you think the
person who left the mess

is the obnoxious one?

No.

The note is way more
obnoxious than the mess.

"Sincerely, Disappointed." Get
off your high horse, richie.

Just because someone likes things
clean doesn't mean they're rich.

Nah. They're rich.

Yeah, I wrote the note.
Not ashamed of it.

I'm not proud of it.
It is what it is.

Everyone keeps asking me if I
wrote the note on the microwave.

It was rude and condescending
and a little snotty.

I wish I had written it.

The nerve!

You want to see some
real high-caliber acting?

Well, Mr. Kurt Russell,
you are about to be served.

Hey, Toby.

Great to have you back, man.
Seriously. Just...

Just a real pleasure
to see you again.

Thanks, Michael.

You're welcome.
Missed you.

Missed you
as part of our family.

Well, that's sweet.
I missed you guys, too.

So Costa Rica, that was...

Did you have fun?
That must have been fun.

Well, it was amazing, really was.
Thanks for asking.

Beaches were pristine.

Nice beaches,
pristine beaches?

Yeah.

The whole thing was
incredibly cathartic.

Why'd you come back?
Why didn't you stay?

Well, it's actually kind of
hard to meet people, I found.

I bet. For you.

And, yeah...
Plus, it was hot.

Hot. Why didn't
you get an air...

Should've gotten an air
conditioner for yourself.

Are you
all right, Michael?

Yeah, I am. I am.

I tried. I tried.

I tried to talk to Toby
and be his friend,

but that is like trying to be
friends with an evil snail.

I feel like
I'm dying inside.

I feel like Neve
Campbell in Scream 2.

She thinks she can go off
to college and be happy.

And then,
the murderer comes back

and starts killing off
all of her friends.

Learned a lot of lessons
from that movie.

This is just one of them.

Okay, just summarize.

Okay,
fireable offenses include

workplace violence
and sexual harassment.

That's it.
That's it, perfect.

We will get him
to hit on somebody,

and then we'll
catch him in the act.

I love catching
people in the act.

That's why I always
whip open doors.

Me, too.

Okay,
let's get this started.

Okay.

What are you doing?

I am the bait.

For what?

Men find me desirable.
No, no, no.

It's a good day, too.
I'm wearing my mustard shirt.

You're the bait for Toby?

No. For one thing,
he's not gay.

And if somebody
were to be bait,

it would be Jim
or Ryan or me.

Men find me desirable.

Yes.

Sure they do, Dwight.

When it comes down to it,
it's a health issue.

I should've written that.

Yeah.

Why aren't you as mad or
interested in this as me?

Oh, totally. Sorry, are we talking
about the microwave still?

Are you inching away
from me?

No.

Reach your arms out.

I'm always this close.

Pamtown ladies sing this
song doo-dah doo-dah

Hello, Pam.

Jim, may I have a moment
with Pam, please?

Yes. I just have to take
this call anyway, so...

His mistress!
No, I'm kidding.

No one would
ever cheat on you.

You are
the complete package, Pam.

What do you need, Michael?

Okay, what I would like you to
do is take this folded note

and deliver it to
Toby Flenderson.

I want you to just react to
whatever this note elicits.

Do not read it
beforehand.

Can you do that for me?

Sure.
Good.

No, no, no, no, don't...

"Please hug and kiss me,
no matter how hard I struggle.

"I am too shy to tell you
that I love you."

Damn it, Pam.
You gave me your word.

You have a good day?

Hey. Hey, guys, that's
really inappropriate.

What's up?

I got some photos
from Costa Rica

if you want to see them.

Yeah, yeah, I'll see them.
Cool.

Toby, can I see those?

What's the matter? What's the matter?
You scared?

Okay, those are
fighting words.

You mad?
You mad at me?

I hope he doesn't haul
off and just hit you.

Do you want to do that?
Do you want to hit me?

You want to punch me?

He might do it. I dare you to.
Punch him, Toby.

Come on.
Come on...

What's the matter?

Hit him.
Hit him, chicken!

Yeah, punch him.
Hey, hey.

Come on, Ryan.
Whose side are you on?

Ryan, come on, man.

No, do it. Do it.
I dare you.

Punch him as hard
as you possibly can

in the face.
I dare you, Flenderson.

Not... Not as hard as you can.

Just a good,
solid punch.

Come on, come on.

I'm not going to
punch you, Michael.

Are you really not
going to punch him?

No, why would I punch you?

Son of a bitch.

Should have hit him, man.
The guy was asking for it.

Once in a lifetime, man.

"Hey, whoever was bashing
the first note, grow up.

"The microwave is filthy
and no one here is a maid."

See? Someone
around here is sane.

"You are all a bunch of idiots and privileged
ass-wipes who weren't raised right.

"If I find you, I'm gonna
knock your teeth out."

Yikes. That's a
little over the top.

Their heart's
in the right place.

I thought you were going
to parcel those out

through the day.
Would you stop it?

You haven't done
anything helpful all day.

There's still one thing we
can do to get Toby fired.

What's that?

Frame him for using drugs.

Frame him?
Yeah.

It's illegal, but everything they
do on The Shield is illegal.

I've never framed a man before.
Have you?

No, I've framed
animals before.

I framed a raccoon for
opening a Christmas present.

And I framed a bear for
eating out of the garbage.

It just seems
awfully mean.

But sometimes, the
ends justify the mean.

Punch you, Michael.

Hello.
I've seen you guys around.

I'm Michael Scott,
Dunder Mifflin.

How you doing?

So I guess you
know why I'm here.

I need to
purchase something.

Like a fridge?
No.

I wanted...

I wanted to buy
some weed from someone.

What?

Grass, weed.

What makes you think
we'd have weed?

I heard you were drug...
I heard you dealt.

Hey, just hold on
one second.

I'm not wearing
a wire, so...

Why would you
even say that?

Hey, it's going
to be $500.

How much?
$500.

It's a good price.
It's a steal.

How many pounds
is that?

It's two pounds.

I'm losing money on this,
man, just give me the money.

Okay.

All right. Walk away,
walk away, walk away.

Hey, Pam? I just
wanted to let you know,

I'm totally on your side with
the whole microwave situation.

Thank you.
I was just back there

to make some Cup-a-Soup, the
thing is still a huge mess.

I know.
Can you believe it?

Yeah, it's crazy.

But I guess the thing is, at
some point, notes or no notes,

someone's going to have to just
get in there and clean it up.

I guess that's why
we have a temp, huh?

Oh, no, trust me, I would
just make it worse.

How would wiping it with a
paper towel make it worse?

I would find a way.

You've seen things clean
before though, right?

I... Pam, I am hopeless
at that stuff.

Hi, Michael.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I forgot...
I forgot...

Yes. I repeat,

a drug dealer is on the
premises of Dunder Mifflin.

His name is
Toby Flenderson.

And he recently returned from a
mysterious vacation in Central America.

I have risked a great deal
to tell you this information.

My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew
Bernard, that's my name.

See you soon.

Pervert!

Angela, I didn't
do that.

So is this what they taught
you at your fancy art school?

Why would I draw
a penis on my own note?

Why do you wear bright colors?
For attention, Pam.

Everyone, I have
an announcement to make.

I'm the person who put the
first note on the microwave.

But I did it because
it needed to be said.

Why did you hide
behind anonymity?

Because I was scared.
But if that's my only crime,

is it a worse crime than
leaving a filthy microwave?

Amen.

Don't.
This is for real.

Just clean it up yourself
if it bothers you so much.

It's not my mess.

It would've taken less time to clean
it up than to write all those notes.

That's not the point.

Listen, New York,
that might fly...

Why? Because I went to New
York for three months?

That and the black sweater,
Manhattan.

Okay, yes. I went to
New York, everybody.

I'm not gonna apologize
for it.

I experienced more there in one week
than I experience here in three months.

I love New York.

You know, I especially love that people
there cleaned up after themselves.

Well, I work too hard all
day to be maid here, too.

I got a mess to clean up at home,
plus I'm a part-time maid.

And what about
the penises?

I thought those were funny.

- I didn't do them, Phyllis.
- It's the anonymity

that I find so cowardly, Pam.

Really? Can you just
get over that part?

Why should I? You couldn't get
over the messy microwave.

What?

I can't do this.

Can't do what?

It's not fair to you and
it's really not fair to me.

Wait, what are you saying? I broke up
with Darryl so I could be with you.

That was your choice.
Don't put that on me.

I'm just going
on a little trip.

Can I come?

It's not
that kind of trip.

I'm going to Thailand with
some friends from high school.

Well, a high school.

And if I don't do it now,
I'll never get to go.

And I'll always
resent you for it.

You don't want me
to resent you, do you?

So you're dumping me?

Let's be adults about this.

Let's have sex
one more time,

and if you have any extra
cash, that would be amazing.

Okay.

Hi. We received a call.

I don't know
anything about that.

We were tipped off about a
possible narcotics situation.

Here?

Hey, Pam, hey,
I got this, okay?

Hello, officers.
Dwight Schrute,

former volunteer
sheriff's deputy.

Listen, I may have
inside information

that someone is hiding
drugs in this very office.

Just pretend like we're
talking until the cops leave.

Those are real cops.
Real guns.

Wonder what's going on.

Officers, I reveal to you
the perpetrator.

Hey, what is this?
Search his things.

Sir, could you step away
from your desk, please?

Why? Sir, please step
away from your desk.

Hey, what's going on?

You don't have my
permission to do this.

They don't need your
permission, Flenderson.

They've got the
company's permission.

Hey, hey,
what are you...

Why are you doing this?

You know what?
I think this...

This is probably
a misunderstanding.

- Don't search my stuff.
- Sir.

I have a reasonable
right to privacy.

Save your whining for the
jury there, Flenderson.

Yeah, let's just
cancel this, okay?

Michael?

Sir, did you recently return
from a trip to Central America?

Oh, my God.

I went to Costa Rica
for a few months.

No, no, no. That was legitimate.
What is going on?

- That was totally legitimate.
- Hey, check this out.

Oh, God!
That is not mine.

Turn around please. I have
never seen this before.

No, no, no, no, God!
What is going on here?

No, that's... I don't
know what that is.

Do you have any weapons?
Of course not!

I bet he has nothing
to do with that.

That's mine.

No, Michael, no!

Yes, it's mine.

Some basil.

And salad dressing,
I think.

Salad dressing?

Yeah, it's a Caprese salad.

There's a little bit of
mozzarella right there.

Are you kidding me?

That's my salad.

So wait a minute.
There's no drugs?

No.

Oh, damn it. Come on!

We got a fake tip.

Wait, officers,
are you sure you

don't want to
interrogate him?

No. You have laws
that protect you

in any kind
of interrogation.

Why don't you use them?

You must feel pretty good
about yourself right now.

I didn't put Caprese salad in
my drawer, Michael. Did you?

Since when is it illegal to
put Caprese salad anywhere?

You know, the police
could have been out there,

catching real criminals, instead
of here, searching my stuff.

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?

That's what
you're worried about?

You're worried
about the cops' time.

You think I framed you and you're
worried about the taxpayer?

God!

Welcome back,
jerky jerk-face.

You said you were leaving, and
you made liars out of all of us.

I did leave.

Yes, you did.

And then you came back.

Which makes you the
biggest liar of history.

I don't see it
that way.

Do you want to
hear a lie?

What?

I think you're great.

You're my best friend.

Hey, do you mind if we make
a stop on the way home?

Sure.
Cool.

What are we doing at
your parents' house?

I have a surprise for you.

All right. Ready?
Close your eyes.

And now, open your eyes.

Ta-da!

I don't get it.

I bought it.

It's ours.

Let's go inside.
I'll show you inside.

So if you can believe it,
I did it without a realtor.

Saving on closing costs is good.

And we can put all the money
to de-shag the carpet.

Which I think will
help the color situation.

Yeah, I am really
sorry about this.

I tried to move it, but he
is really nailed in there.

Worried about
art theft, I guess.

A lot of art thieves
in this neighborhood.

This is the master bedroom, but
I'm actually not allowed in here.

So, I'm still in the process
of converting the garage.

It's got great light
in here.

And I was thinking it could
be perfect for an art studio.

Look, I know.

I bought this
without asking you.

And it doesn't look great.
I know that.

And if you really hate it, I
totally understand. It's just...

I love it.

You do?

Yeah, I love it.

Really?

I mean,
you bought me a house.

Oh, my God.

You bought me a house!

Yeah, I did.

Do we have to sleep
in your parents' bedroom?

No. No, we'll just
board that up.

It'll be that weird spare room
that people ask us about.

And the clown?

Yeah, I really
can't move him.

What is my perfect crime?

I break into Tiffany's
at midnight.

Do I go for the vault? No, I go for
the chandelier. It's priceless.

As I'm taking it down,
a woman catches me.

She tells me to stop.

It's her father's business.
She's Tiffany.

I say no.
We make love all night.

In the morning, the cops come and I
escape in one of their uniforms.

I tell her to
meet me in Mexico,

but I go to Canada.
I don't trust her.

Besides, I like the cold.

30 years later,
I get a postcard.

I have a son and
he's the chief of police.

This is where
the story gets interesting.

I tell Tiffany to meet me
in Paris by the Trocadero.

She's been waiting
for me all these years.

She's never
taken another lover.

I don't care. I don't show up.
I go to Berlin.

That's where
I stashed the chandelier.