The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 6 - Customer Survey - full transcript

Hey, sport!
I heard someone got engaged, you dog!
Yeah.
God!
Nothing can hurt you now.
You're a man in love!
I was there, and that dude is not engaged.
I'm not a big believer in therapy,
but I would go into my own pocket to cover his copay.
Big idea, double wedding!
Me, Angela, you, Holly.
No. We would never do that.
And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Yeah, we'd never do that.
Yeah, so there you go.
Michael, I got my bridesmaid's dress.
Wow, so quickly.
Yeah, and you said I could get it
in any color I wanted, so I picked white.
Michael, did you tell your mom yet?
Nope. Nope, not yet.
Why not? You wouldn't tell your mom?
- You love your mom. - Yeah, I do.
Call your mom, Michael.
Yeah, I'll call her and tell her tomorrow.
Call her! Call her! I don't wanna do it in public.
All right, I will call her.
She is going to freak out!
Speakerphone!
Not...
Thanks.
Hello?
Mom, I'm getting married.
No, you're not.
Why do you always do that?
Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me.
Are you getting married?
No.
Are you...
I'm not. I'm not getting married.
Psych.
So I've returned my bridesmaid dress
and it was on sale, so I'm out a hundred dollars.
And I'm out a fiancée.
Are those the customer surveys?
Yeah, this is all of them. Jim, Dwight,
Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and...
It's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress.
What's that doing there?
I'll take care of that for you. Thanks.
Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic, customer service rep.
And once a year, she will contact our clients
and find out how happy they are with our sales people.
Sort of a "Kapoor's List." Schindler's List parody.
That's not appropriate. No.
Those reports affect our bonuses,
which is kind of great for me,
because you wouldn't know from looking at her,
but Pam's a gold digger.
- Hey, New York ain't free. - Get back to work.
It's the world's tiniest Bluetooth.
I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the Village.
I got one for Jim, too.
Jim, say something.
Testing, testing, hello, everybody.
We wanted to stay on the phone all day,
but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls,
so we're not telling anyone.
Pam, what do you want on your coffee?
- Sprinkle of cinnamon. - Sprinkle of cinnamon.
I should go.
All righty, Dwighty, let's see how you did.
Bring it on. No.
Sorry.
Wow.
What does it say?
Dwight, your feedback is horrible.
That's impossible. A number of your clients
found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
I sell more paper than anyone. No, no, no, no.
Wait, is this a joke?
I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.
Do I look like I am joking?
No, but that's sometimes part of it.
If I were joking, you'd be laughing.
Do you look like you are laughing?
Impossible to say, I can't see myself.
You're not.
Yo, Tommy Tuna.
Did you get your scores yet?
No.
I got mine, they were really good.
I miss him.
You must be really proud.
Yeah, I'm pretty psyched. Whoa!
That's my mug.
Sorry, I was just... It was right here.
Right. Well,
it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one.
Okay, or maybe I could finish the coffee that's in here,
and you could use...
Snoopy! He's funny.
Don't give him Snoopy. That's mine!
That is a great mug, but it's not my mug.
That is my mug, so give it back.
How can you even be sure?
That's my face on it.
Make the face.
I don't see it.
Dude, that is my face.
What was that?
Wow. That was Dwight.
He seems upset about something.
Describe him exactly.
What color mustard is his shirt, yellow or Dijon?
It is spicy brown, actually.
What are you mumbling about?
How was your meeting with Michael?
None of your business.
Was it your scores?
These can't be my scores, Jim.
For your information, I'm being sabotaged.
Of course.
And I'm gonna find that person and punish them.
Absolutely.
Or you could just be nice to your customers.
You're an idiot.
There's the charm.
Jimbo, let's do this thing.
That is me. Wish me luck.
No way.
Good luck. Thanks.
I didn't say anything. I love you.
I love you, too.
What do you think I'm saying to you?
I'm not talking to you.
I caught Jim talking to himself several times today.
What a loser.
Get a friend, loser!
Yeah, I'm looking at it right now, it's really gorgeous.
You guys do great work.
I found the best "tentist" on the East Coast.
He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings.
And I got him. I got him.
Would you be able to do the same design, but with walls of gray?
And a top that's gray, too? Fabulous.
Come on.
What? You, too?
Did my scores drop a little?
Jim, they are poopy.
Jim?
Jim?
Are we even sure that's my file?
No.
Yes, I am sure, Jim, it...
Well, there's gotta be an explanation.
I agree.
Yeah. So, let's see
what we can find out from reading.
Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
I think he means smug.
Arrogance.
Michael, I'm just trying to...
And there is our smudgeness.
I need a decent bonus
because I'm actually in the process of buying my parents' house
so that they can retire.
And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong
buying a house you can't afford.
Pam doesn't know about the house, so it's a fun surprise.
Pam, sorry about that. Lost you for a second.
So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot
on my customer reviews this year.
Maybe it's 'cause you spent the whole year
flirting with the receptionist.
Little bit. Worth it.
Here's what's going to happen, I am going to have to fix you.
Manage you two on a more personal scale,
a more micro form of management.
Jim, what is that called?
Micro-gement. Boom. Yes.
Now, Jim is going to be the client.
Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him
without being aggressive, hostile or difficult.
Let's go.
All right, fine.
Ring, ring.
Hello?
Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin paper company.
Well, that's great, 'cause I need paper.
Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having
a limited-time offer only on everything.
Wow, this is my lucky day.
Ask him his name.
What is your name, sir?
I am Bill Buttlicker.
Really? That's your real name?
How dare you?
My family built this country, by the way.
Be respectful, Dwight. Please. Yes, Michael.
Could you hold on one second? That's my other line.
What? No, but I... I'm on hold.
Hello? Yeah.
No. I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb.
Probably just going to keep him on the line forever
and not buy anything.
Okay.
It's up to you to change his mind.
Sorry, that was a family emergency.
Oh, no, what's wrong?
You know what? That's private.
Boundaries, Dwight. Come on!
I'm sorry, Mr. Buttlicker.
As I was saying...
Sorry, you just have to speak a little bit louder,
I'm hard of hearing. He's hard of... He's an old man.
Okay, as I was saying, right now...
You're gonna have to talk louder.
Okay, our prices have never been lower...
Son, you have to talk louder.
Never been lower!
Louder, son!
Buttlicker, our prices have never been lower!
Stop it! Stop it! He...
That is totally inappropriate.
You never yell at the client.
You never yell at the client. Now you listen to me, sir.
Here we go.
The three words I would describe you as
is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.
Please, Mr. Buttlicker... I'm irate right now.
Give me the phone.
Please give me another chance.
Mr. Buttlicker, I have to put you on with my boss.
Well, I should hope so.
Who is this? Hello, this is Michael Scott,
regional manager.
Well, this is William M. Buttlicker.
Hello, Mr. Buttlicker, how may we help you?
Michael, I like the sound of your voice.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to buy $1,000,000 worth of paper products today.
See how it's done?
Thank you very much, sir.
I don't think you'll regret it. See what I did?
You are the master.
There is one condition, Michael.
Yes. You have to fire the salesman
that treated me so terribly.
Don't do it, Michael.
It's a million-dollar sale.
So it's called the Shangri-la Tent. It's two stories, heated,
and it has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet.
It's just really simple, really tasteful.
I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo.
Hobos live in trains.
Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long.
Well, Nana Mimi... Okay, look.
This tent is awesome,
and it's in high demand,
so I really think we should put a deposit down now.
Okay, fine. You can have your tent, but only if it's in a field.
A hand-plowed field.
Done and done-er.
There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars
through the roof slats, when you lay on your back.
And antique tools to look at when you roll over.
Do you have a specific place in mind?
No.
But anything within a five-to-eight mile radius is acceptable.
On it.
Dwight.
Dwight.
Get in. Are you serious?
Get in.
Okay, what are you...
They might be listening to us.
What's that? Who is "they"? They might be listening to us.
Customer service might be monitoring this conversation!
In this car?
You never know. Better safe than sorry.
What are you thinking here?
Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
The mob?
Maybe NASA.
Could be the mob.
But then Dunder Mifflin would need to
be a front for money laundering,
and there's little evidence of that.
Is there some evidence?
Cute shoes online.
How many shoes do you need?
I don't know, two, maybe three, if one wears out.
How many shoes do you need?
I'm not talking to you.
Who are you talking to? Pam.
She's not here, Jim.
No, she's not.
Yes!
I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed and breakfast
which is on a 60-acre beet farm, and even better,
I have an in with the owner.
Yeah, we work together.
It's Dwight Schrute.
As in Schrute Farms.
So I'd like to redouble my order.
If you could put me down for...
Wait, shut up! I'm sorry?
Do you hear that?
Hear what?
Breathing. Is that you?
Well, I am breathing, yeah.
Well, stop. Hold your breath.
I still hear it.
Who's there?
Kelly, is that you?
Hold on.
I need paper.
Oh, my God, you scared me!
Hear anything interesting?
What are you talking about?
I think you know.
You always say that, and I almost never know.
What are you up to, girl?
Did Phyllis put you up to this?
Stanley? Are they paying you?
Are you accusing me of something?
Of course I am. I know you're the mastermind,
but you're too stupid to do it by yourself.
Easy. Let's just head back to the desk.
You just can't come into my nook and call me stupid.
And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite,
then people wouldn't give you such bad customer reviews.
The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn't.
There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you're involved.
Dwight, get out of my nook.
That's what she said. That's what she said!
That's what she said!
Good one.
Hey. Sorry about Dwight, by the way.
Yeah, he's weird.
Well, we all handle it differently.
I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but...
Okay.
Hey, how are you and Darryl?
We're cool. Bye.
Bye.
That was weird. What was?
Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly
where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?
No, actually. Did you do something to her?
I don't think so.
Well, something's off.
Hey, how's things?
All right. Yeah?
Living in the moment.
Do you have any reason to believe
that Kelly would be mad at me?
I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim.
Can I tell you something?
I played it full-on in New York.
I played it high stakes, for keeps.
Made it to the top, but look what it cost.
Can I tell you what else I learned?
Wait, that's pretty weird.
What?
Well, Andy has a mug just like that.
Yeah. Kelly gave them out as party favors.
Remember? You got one. No.
What party? Her America's Got Talent finale party
over the summer.
That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there.
You were there. I remember you being there.
I wasn't, but thank you.
Hey, do you know anything about this party?
Yes. I said you definitely should go,
but you wanted to visit me instead.
I can't be the only one who didn't...
Dwight, let me see your coffee cup.
No.
Is that it? No.
Why? No.
Okay, I'm going to assume that was it.
Here's the thing. I think you're right.
I think it was Kelly. I think she's mad at us for not coming to her party.
Man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?
Probably just Kelly.
Obviously. I knew it.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah. What?
You were right.
I was right.
You were right. I was right.
You knew it. I knew it.
You knew it the whole time, buddy.
I knew it the whole time, buddy!
- Wow! - Yeah!
Right Dwight is loud.
Yes! I knew it!
Yeah!
Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her.
No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight.
Let's just talk about this.
Get out of the way.
What's going on?
Why don't you tell us?
Nothing's going on.
Let me paint you a picture
of a little girl from southern India,
who despite being welcomed into this country
will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.
Dwight.
I was informed by these gentlemen
that the reports that you filed
may not entirely be accurate.
What? I don't know what you are talking about.
This is the first that I'm hearing about this.
Come on.
You juked the stats, cupcake.
We called about a dozen customers and
they all said that they gave us great marks.
What's going on?
I love your tie, Michael.
Kelly... I was raped.
You cannot say "I was raped"
and expect all your problems to go away, Kelly.
Not again. Don't keep doing that.
I'll give you one last chance to come clean.
Just tell me what happened.
Okay, all right. Okay, I did it. All right? I lied.
Whatever, just fire me.
But you know what? I did it because
you guys didn't come to my party,
and you said you would try to,
and then you didn't even show up,
and so you're bad friends.
We have our confession. I'm calling security.
Don't, don't. Get away from that,
Dwight, please.
You know what? She's got a point about you, too.
You do have a problem dealing with people.
See? I wasn't lying.
You were lying.
I was lying. Yes.
Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.
But I want to be here when you fire her ass.
I will call you when it is time.
I have an enormous amount of trouble
trying to get people to come to my place.
And I hate it.
I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole
I have ended up eating over the years.
I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities.
Here's what we're going to do.
We are going to sit here for a while,
make it look good.
And maybe you should cry.
Can you make yourself cry?
No problem.
I think you should do that.
Pam Beesly?
Hey. What are you doing here?
Who's that?
It's Alex.
It's Pam. I came to kidnap you.
There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go.
That's going to be great. Who's Chuck Close?
I love Chuck Close and his photorealist paintings.
But I have to work.
Well, actually, there's something else
I'd love to talk to you about.
Can we go somewhere else to talk about it?
Okay.
That's it. I want to talk to this guy.
Put me in his ear.
What's up?
I want to take a big leap.
And I want to tell you that I think that you should not
move back to Scranton.
Wow.
I want to make a bigger leap here.
He is into you.
Why did you come to New York in the first place?
Because they have a great design program,
and I wanted to see if I was any good at it.
And I wanted to work on my art, too.
Right.
And that's why I think you should stay here.
Because, I mean, you really just got here,
you know, and you can't do New York in three months.
You know, it has everything. All the opportunity is here,
all the... The whole art scene is in New York.
You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton
without getting to fully experience it.
Jim's in Scranton.
I know, but...
All I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny, tiny part of you
that really wants to be an artist,
then I think you should stay here, because you don't want
to wake up in 50 years
and look back and wonder what could have been.
And that is the end of my speech.
I planned it all. Anyway...
I will see you tomorrow.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Is that the Matsahashi B-400?
The world's tiniest Bluetooth.
May I? Don't.
Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
No, we haven't decided on anything yet.
We're still reviewing some options
and it's going to come down to the numbers.
Well, then, why don't you look over some of our materials,
while I describe to you the Excalibur package.
In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty
and smell of Schrute Farms,
I can promise you that our grounds can be catered
to fit your exact specifications.
I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months
and be at your constant disposal.
Please feel free to call or stop by any time of the day or night.
That's very generous.
Well, you, my good friend,
have nothing more to worry about.
This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Thank the good Lord. Deal!
Okay.
What are we talking pricewise?
You already said, "Deal."
Pay him whatever he wants.
Can't argue with that.
Dwight,
you are going to make us so happy.