The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 5 - Employee Transfer - full transcript

Wow, you guys look amazing.
Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween.
He wears it so he can sleep at his desk.
Who are you? I'm Carrie Bradshaw
from Sex and the City.
I like your shoes.
Thank you.
Will you help walk me to the fax machine?
Sure.
I got her. I got her. I can help you.
You look amazing.
Inappropriate. Thank you.
Who are you, Larry King?
Gordon Gekko.
From the insurance commercials.
Yeah.
Whoa! Awesome.
Let's put a smile on that face.
Damn it, Creed.
I've been up since 4:00.
Sweet 'stume, dude.
Who are you supposed to be?
Dave.
Cool.
And you are?
A cat?
We were looking for kitten.
Give me one second.
- Jim Halpert. - Hey.
Hey, New York. Happy Halloween.
Thanks.
My costume's getting a lot of attention.
So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here.
I wish I had known that
before I used greasepaint for my mustache,
and I can't even take off my hat because then I'm Hitler.
Want to see a magic trick?
I'm going to make a pencil...
...disappear.
Okay, I think we are set.
We have puzzles, string for cat's cradles.
Burned this last night. Little road-trip CD.
Puppets.
Look at all this stuff. It's only seven hours.
When corporate found out that we were dating, they decided
they were going to transfer Holly back
to her old branch in Nashua, New Hampshire.
Michael's taking a personal day to move me out.
Road trip!
Right?
Breaker 1-9, copy?
Copy that, breaker!
Those Duke boys are at it again.
Hey, do not touch my radio.
We're not. Kidding.
We're not doing anything.
It's been a weird week since we found out I had a transfer.
Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton,
and I said, "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?"
And he said, "I asked you first,"
and I said first at the same time he did,
and then I said, "Jinx."
And then we never talked about it again
and haven't been back to the conversation, so...
All right, everybody, I am out of here.
Jim, you are in charge.
I'll walk you out.
You are quite the gentleman.
You can let people go a couple minutes early if you want.
All right, we'll see. I am off to New York.
My brother Pete from Boston and my brother Tom from New Jersey
are taking Pam and I out for lunch to celebrate the engagement.
Or maybe to beat me up.
I can never tell with those two.
Morning, temp.
Morning.
Wow. Good morning, Dwight.
I thought I'd go casual today.
Morning, everyone.
Good morning.
Hello.
How you doing? How are you, Phyllis?
That's funny.
Take that sweatshirt off.
Hey, buddy.
Andy.
Do you remember when I jokingly
yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off?
Totally joking, but you should know those colors are sacred.
Not that I care, but if you're not a Cornell man,
you probably shouldn't wear them.
No, I get it.
I totally understand, and I just want to assure you that
I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying.
Come on. You think you could get into Cornell?
Well, if someone who barely outsells Phyllis
can get in, then I should be fine.
I'm sitting right here, Dwight.
I meant that as a compliment
to you, Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy.
Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself
through higher education.
If it makes Andy angry, so be it.
I have to unpack this weekend, but maybe next weekend
we go to the outlets. Cool.
Mike, you driving this every weekend?
We're going to switch back and forth with the driving.
Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. Be fun.
Wait a sec. I love this song.
Life is a highway I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way I wanna drive it all night long
If you're going my way
Hey, there.
So, how do you think we're going to do against Penn this year?
Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong.
Well, he's had a pretty good season so far. Stop saying "we."
You did not go to Cornell, okay?
You're just doing this to screw with me.
Not so.
Cornell is an excellent school.
Without its agricultural program,
we probably wouldn't have cabbage,
at least not modern cabbage.
I know it's an excellent school, Dwight.
I went there. My blood runs Big Red.
Someday we'll both get together in Comstock Hall
and just laugh about all of this.
Hey.
Hey, future baby sis.
How are you, Tom?
Nice to see you. Good.
I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play
a prank on Jim at lunch.
Pretty awesome, right?
I think they're into the idea.
They're probably thinking, "That Pam Beesly,
"she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet.
"She's the best, the absolute best."
Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.
I'm going to say that before ceramics class I took off my ring,
and then when I changed back out of my smock,
it wasn't in my pocket anymore and I lost it.
That's perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious?
Remember that thing we did when
Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?
Right. That would be hilarious.
Yeah, we should totally dog her about being an artist,
never making any money.
That is awesome.
Like, she basically has a hobby for a job.
Oh, yeah.
So, not the ring, then?
The... Not doing the ring, though?
This is better. The other thing will get Jim...
This is nice and it's fun. It's fun.
Okay, okay.
He hates it when we pick on his girlfriends.
Okay.
They came up with that idea really fast.
This trip is longer than I thought.
Yeah, it did look shorter on the map.
Hey.
Wow, I was having a nightmare.
You were sleeping? Yes.
You were talking before.
Was I?
Really? Was I saying anything interesting?
Not really.
All right, what's the scoop? How far?
Four hours. Almost halfway there.
We're only halfway?
Halfway, okay.
You know what I want to do? I want to pull over
and find a little bed and breakfast
for when we meet in the middle.
Emphasis on the bed and the breakfast.
Next exit isn't for 5 miles.
Let's check there.
Hey, guys. How are you?
Hi. Good to see you.
Nice to see you again, Pam.
Pam, I haven't seen you in so, so long.
All right, so now we can sit
and get comfortable.
There's nothing out here, man.
Yeah.
I don't know. I just imagined a hotel right here,
pool over here, little breakfast place
with really good bacon. Just...
Here we go. Fourth time's the charm.
Life's like a road where...
It's one day here and the next day there
Sometimes you deal with the things you don't
Sometimes you... Walk
There's a world out there...
Hey, are you crying?
No.
Allergies? No.
Did Darryl touch you?
What?
No. Darryl did not touch me.
Can we just keep going, please?
What's the matter?
No. It's not going to work.
There's too much distance. Sure it is.
No, no, no. It's going to work. It'll be fine.
Michael, we've only been dating each other for a few weeks.
Listen to me, I like you so much.
I like you, too.
And I've dated almost four women in the last...
I dated four guys last year, too.
Not last... No, in, like, the last 10 years
I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid.
Michael, no, don't. It is...
Don't make it harder than it has to be.
I'm...
That's what she said.
Holly thinks that this relationship is over.
Well, you know what?
I am not going to give up that easy.
I'm going to make this way harder than it needs to be.
Take that down.
Excuse me?
Take that down.
You know, I once dated a couple guys from Cornell.
They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
It's pronounced "Colonel." It's the highest rank in the military.
It's pronounced "Cornell." It's the highest rank in the Ivy League.
Andy, let's just talk about this man to man after work.
Fine. What do you say, okay?
Yeah. Good. Can we...
That's Big Red Bear.
That's a bobble Big Red Bear. God!
And if you leave on Friday by 5:00,
you'll be rolling in at midnight at best...
Yeah.
...and then sleep in Saturday.
That only leaves us less than 24 hours
before you have to go back again.
Okay. Okay.
I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip
so we're talking constantly all the way.
I'll tell you everything that I see, everything that I pass by,
things that I witness on the road.
Well...
Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend.
How long can we keep that up?
Years.
Years? Yeah.
Years of just a few hours every weekend?
Here's my wish,
I want you to meet a great guy and I want you to be happy.
Thank you.
My wish has come true, incidentally,
because you've met me and you are happy.
Clever, Mike.
So, Pam, how much money does an artist make
after they leave art school?
Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right?
That's not really true.
There's a lot of things you can do with an art degree, actually.
Maybe Pam should pay the check
by drawing a picture on this napkin.
Wow, that's a little rude.
What's your deal?
Hey, just having fun, Jimmy.
Yeah. Right, Pam?
Yep.
You know what? I think we're a great couple.
I think we are a classic couple.
I think we are like Romeo and Juliet.
I think we go together so well.
We're like peanut butter and jelly.
Don't you think? I do. I think so, Mike.
Well, then don't do it. Please don't do this!
Please don't do this!
Hey, what's up? Just thought I'd try you.
Thinking about that story where
you ran into the girl you used to baby-sit.
I don't know what I am gonna do.
Please call me back.
Please... I promise you.
I'm not going to be okay. Please...
No, I won't.
I'm not strong. I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan.
Oh, God.
You might be...
What?
Dwight...
Andy, I've been meaning to ask you.
Which a cappella group should I join?
The Harmoniacs? Or the Do-Re-Migos?
Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it's irrelevant,
because I called admissions and it looks like
I will be conducting your university interview.
That's a conflict of interest.
Yeah. Big one.
So should I not let you in now?
Or do you want to do the interview
and then I won't let you in?
Interview. Excellent.
When the hour glass strikes 3:00, then in the room
whence employees confer.
What? The conference room.
Okay.
Who are your role models?
If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage,
I would say he has none percent chance.
So, Dane Cook,
Jack Bauer and Eli Whitney.
You're doing great.
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
Oh, wow. This is my niece Vanessa.
She's a trumpeter, and look at her.
Cute. That must be really fun
for you and Marci, huh? Yep.
She only knows how to play When the Saints Go Marching In.
I love that one.
Yeah, but she doesn't think
she's going to be, like, a career musician, right?
Here we go again. What is your deal today?
I'm just saying how many famous trumpeters
can you name besides Louis Armstrong?
Miles Davis. One.
Chet something. Half.
The point is, Pam, that there are jobs...
Dizzy Gillespie. Also good.
...and there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything,
but you don't see me trying to get on the Mets.
You don't. Pete, you couldn't make the Mets.
She's at Pratt.
You played JV baseball.
Will you lighten up a little bit?
I'm just calling it like I see it.
I don't know if I'm going to make any money
with art. Pam, don't worry about it.
I mean, it's a very competitive field, but I have a professor
who says that I have a lot of promise,
and if I don't try now, I never will, so...
Guys, what is going on?
We pranked you.
It was Pam's idea.
Pam was the mastermind.
Got you.
That was killer. I was so close to blowing it.
Let's see how well you know your Big Red history.
Bring it.
Who was Cornell's eighth president?
Dale Raymond Corson.
I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was, in fact,
James A. Perkins.
"Comprehension skills subpar."
"Interviewing skills, subpar."
What are you writing?
You can't even give Cornell your full attention.
On the contrary, I'm helping Cornell
by evaluating their interviewers.
Nobody wants that to happen.
Well, when they get my evaluation,
we'll see if they're interested.
"Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer,
"showing low moral character."
"Interviewer is threatening applicant
"with an arbitrary review process."
"Applicant is wasting everyone's time
"with stupid and inane accusations."
"Interviewer has suspect motives."
"Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid."
"Interviewer has turned off applicant's interest in Cornell
"and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth."
Ever heard of it?
I think I have everything I need.
I think I have everything I need.
You'll be hearing from the Cornell Application Department.
And you will be hearing from the Cornell Application Department.
And you will not be pleased with the result!
And your affiliation with Cornell will end completely.
That is all, sir. You may go.
There's another dolly in the truck, Mike.
You can take more than that lamp.
For the record, I wanted to go another direction,
which was way better.
Well, I'll be the judge of that.
What do you got?
Okay, I lost my engagement ring
in ceramics class, left it in my smock.
I had this whole thing where I go back to class,
wrongly accuse another girl. Look, I even used makeup
to put a ring around my finger.
You can hardly see it.
It's very subtle. That is good.
Thank you.
Truthfully, anything would have been
better than that prank.
Text message from my brother. "Pam cool. Welcome to the family."
Hey, how about at Thanksgiving
we "prank" Tom about being bald?
This is the last of it.
That's mine, actually.
Maybe put it back in the truck.
You're not staying?
You know, I have some things
I need to do this weekend.
I just remembered, so...
I'll just ride back with you.
But you want me to put it back in the truck?
I'll be down in just a sec.
Holly?
So...
I think I'm going to go back with Darryl.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay, bye.
I know it's hard, Mike.
Breakups hurt.
We didn't break up.
Looked like it.
Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues.
Okay.
That's a really pretty song.
No, no, check it out, look.
When I do that... Okay.
...that's when you hit me with what's getting you down.
All right.
No, wait, you're supposed to...
Never mind.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I thought I'd come in casual today.
Man, hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet?
Where did you get those?
What, these?
Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state.
I see what you are doing,
but I do not know where you are going with this.
Well, you will as soon as you visit my new beet farm.
You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?
Cornell.