The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 19 - Two Weeks - full transcript

I had no idea, when I got into
that car to go to New York,

that I was going
to be quitting.

I got on the ramp, and I
was, like, "Two hours.

"Two hours to go. Feeling good.
Crank some tunes.

"Should've peed
before I left."

Michael,
get to the good part.

Okay, so,
get up to the building.

Revolving door, broken.

So I have to take
the normal door.

Oh, my God.
At least he's in the building.

No! No.



I was so nervous,
it was the wrong building.

I had walked into
the wrong building.

He finally has a story
we really wanna hear.

And he knows it.

Okay, focus, focus.

You're in the right building,
you're with the right people,

what happened?

I looked at Wallace
and I said,

"I quit."

And as I turned to leave,
I looked back,

and I said, "You have no
idea how high I can fly."

You didn't tell him
how sick of him you were?

Why would I do that?

Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell
him that he's incompetent or...



That he's wasted 15
years of your life?

Maybe spit in his face?

You guys have thought about
this a lot more than I have.

I just winged it.

I love a good
quitting story.

It makes me feel like I have
control over my own life.

Gives me hope.

Maybe I'll have
one of my own someday.

But I dream.

So...

About a week ago, Michael
gave his two-weeks' notice.

And surprisingly, there
is a very big difference

between Michael trying
and Michael not trying.

Michael, is that Scotch?

Scotch and Splenda.

Tastes like Splenda,
gets drunk like Scotch.

Clinky. Clinky-clink. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna do a little bit of
this and a little bit of that.

I'm gonna stay up all day.

I'm gonna
sleep up all night.

I'm gonna give it a...

Ho! Hey Ho!

And I'm gonna stop
worrying about calories.

Maybe you should go into
your office, close the door

and make some
calls about jobs.

I have a job.

For four more days.

Do you have any
leads on a job?

Pam, what you don't
understand, at my level,

you don't just look in
the want ads for a job.

You're headhunted.

Have you called
any headhunters?

Any good headhunter knows
that I'm available.

Any really good headhunter will
storm your village at sunset

with overwhelming force and cut off
your head with a ceremonial knife.

Right, 'cause that's
what we're talking about.

I need you to go over
these client lists

and indicate any
wrong or false data.

Your "I need you
to" is my command.

Okay.

Hey, Michael.
Hey.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

You can talk to me for
as long as you want,

because I have all the
time in the world.

Oh, God.

Phyllis.

I just wanted to
tell you that...

What's that?
Oh! Hey!

What is this about?

You know, 'cause you're
leaving and everything.

It's a farewell...

Right.

So I hope I get to work
with you someday again.

Me, too. Me, too.

Is this wine?
Busted. Yes.

I already have wine.

Hello.
Hi.

Isaac Sylvie here
for the interview.

Yes, please have a seat.
It'll be a few minutes.

Thank you.

Are you interviewing, too?

Um. Hmm?

Interviewing?

For?

Regional manager.

Yes, I am.

For regional manager, I've decided
to go with an outside hire.

For obvious reasons.

Where you from?
Philly.

That's a drive.

Yeah, well, this is one of the
few places that's hiring.

It's brutal out there.

Pam?

When will the new
copier be ready?

I'm working on it, Kev.

You said it would
be ready by today.

And it is today.

It'll be ready soon.

Soon could mean anything.

Soon could be three weeks.

Is that what
soon means to you?

Sometimes.

Then come back soon.

During the course of business a
copier goes through something called

normal wear and tear.

I think it's 75 cents.

That's a lot.

Bandit, no! No, no, no!

Yesterday,
they delivered the new one.

But they didn't set it up.

So my day just got
a little more interesting.

Thank you.

You work in paper long enough,
you get to know the players.

Hi,
you've reached Prince Paper.

We are sad to inform you that after
40 years of serving the community,

we are no longer in business.

Thank you for your support
and may God bless you.

Bye!

What am I gonna do?

Yep? Do you want me
to come into your office?

Okay.

All right.

Close your eyes.
I'd prefer not to.

Just close your eyes.

I'm going to start
my own paper company.

You're starting your own
paper company. Yeah!

Why?
Can you believe...

'Cause I know paper. I know everything
there is to know about paper.

Do you that the
industry's in decline?

Yeah. Oh, God, I practically
invented decline.

Right.

I know paper,
I know how to manage.

I have a name.
Close your eyes.

No, I did that before.
It added nothing.

Close them.
Okay.

All right.
Michael Scott Paper Company.

You want in? Do you want
to be a part of this?

I am not going to do this.

Obviously.

And you are not
going to, either.

Agreed. Except...

Here's the thing.

What I wish for you is that
you land a job at a company

that A, exists,
and B, has a salary,

because they're set up
to do that kind of thing.

What's up, Chuck?

Jim, what are you doing?

Nothing. Just talking.

Okay. Michael handed in
his two-week notice.

Did you also hand in your two-week...
I didn't.

No? Okay.

After you.
No, I'm staying.

Okay.

Do you want me to translate the
German instructions for you?

No, I'm sure they're pretty much the
same as the English instructions.

Typical American arrogance
that got us involved

in a war we never
should have been in.

That's a really...
World War ll.

Well, fine, did the German instructions
say what this is supposed to do?

Let me see here.

That is either
an incense dispenser

or a ceremonial

sarcophagus.
Hmm.

My German is preindustrial
and mostly religious.

Pam, listen.

This order form, instead of
saying Dunder Mifflin at the top,

is there any way I could get
it to say something else?

Like Michael Scott
Paper Company?

You...

Somebody's been talking in bed.
Pillow talk.

Yeah. Listen, Michael.

Have you really
thought this through?

'Cause it's
a pretty big risk.

This is a dream

that I have had since lunch and
I am not giving up on it now.

Yeah. You could give
it up, though, right?

And almost no one would know.

Before you got here, I'm the one
who landed all of these clients.

Half of them. At least.

I can do it again.
I know the market.

I know the price points.

I'm on it. Don't worry.

So, how do I do that?

Well,

you can scan it, and then
you can upload the image,

and then you can
copy a new image...

Could I take a piece of paper

and just tape it
with transparent tape?

Yeah. Good.

Thank you very much.

So that is why I have to
leave at 5:00 on Tuesdays.

It's to pick up my little
sisters from school.

We're really tight.
We're like the Kardashians.

You know, you can run
this stuff by Toby.

Yeah, I don't like talking...

Come in.
I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
you were with anyone.

But I just wanted to bring you the
brochure on that accounting seminar

that I was telling
you about earlier.

Okay, we're in the middle
of something, Angela, so...

Actually, you know,
it was so much fun last year.

There was a sundae bar.

I mean,
I didn't have any.

You know,
to stay trim.

Did Michael just let
anybody in his office?

Yes. He loved to
facilitate communication.

He loved it. He invited
us in all the time.

He was, like, "Come in."
Yeah.

I am aware of the effect
I have on women.

So you should be heading
back to your desk.

Okay. Bye, Charles.

Well, you'll let me know.
Goodbye.

She's such
a special person.

She's turning 50 this year.

I'm starting
my own paper company.

No way!
Yeah.

In this climate?

In all climates.

It's going to be worldwide.

And I'm looking for some
talented salesmen to join me.

That's where you come in.

Well, it's a very intriguing
concept, isn't it?

Michael is starting
his own paper company.

What do you think
about that?

Your own paper company?

Can you believe it?
Well, we'll see.

We'll see.
Wow.

It's just a... It's a nugget
of an idea right now.

Right.

Potential.
Lots of potential. Yes.

What a courageous venture.

It's very courageous
and very exciting.

Location is hard for me
with the farm...

That's what
I was thinking.

...and the responsibilities, so...
That's what I was thinking.

With the farm. You getting to wherever...
It's so crucial...

...I'm gonna put my thing.

Okay.
So, think about it.

Yeah.
Let's put a pin in it for now.

You know, I would love
to put a pin in that.

Everyone, can I have
your attention?

This is the moment you've
all been waiting for.

Right?

Little Miss Thing
wants attention.

Thanks, Meredith.

Oh!

So...

G-44.

It's not ready, Kevin!

I am at a crucial point where
I have sunk four hours

into that copier.

And I am not gonna let it beat me
like that wireless router did.

You put a note in my food?
I made it sterile.

Just saying sterile
doesn't make it so.

I am offering you the opportunity
of a lifetime, Oscar,

to come work for me.

Do you have
a business plan?

A funding request, market
research, financials...

No, no, no!

You need those things...

Most new businesses,

they don't make a profit
till at least two years.

And then your margins
will be razor-thin.

Best-case scenario,

you don't cut yourself a salary
for at least five years.

Can you go five years
without a salary, Michael?

Okay.
Five years?

You already have the job.

You don't have
to convince me.

It's just not prudent,
Michael.

Stanley.

Can't you see
I'm urinating?

Listen. Listen, Stanley, you
don't need to answer me now.

No.

Just... I want you
to think about it.

I am starting
my own company.

No.

Okay, you're not
letting me finish.

And you just lost out
on a million dollars.

No, I didn't.

You know what?

I had a great time at prom.

And no one said yes
to that, either.

How's it working?

Let's see.

Yeah, it's fine.

Good.

I did it. I learned everything
about this machine.

I know all the buttons.
Even the inside ones.

I know all the error messages.
I could do a bound book

in plastic
with offset colors,

which feels...

Hey, Hank.

You ready?
Yeah.

Okay.

Michael?

I can't pretend
I haven't seen that.

So I'm gonna ask you
to stand up, walk out

and you can't
take anything.

Okay.

I have immunity.
It's my two weeks.

Not if you're starting

a competing paper
company, Michael.

Hank.

Okay, Michael.
Hank?

You really think Hank is
going to be loyal to you?

Hank, please escort Charles
from the building.

Come on, man, let's go.

I always thought
Michael got a bad rap.

He's a good guy.
And he's super funny.

Yeah, maybe I should
tell him before he goes.

He's all the way over there.

Well, here we are.
I would just like to...

No. No, no, no.

You're done, Michael.

All right then, everybody,
I'm out of here!

What is he doing?

It looks like
he's saying something.

I think he's singing.

I can't believe this
is really happening.

And I feel free!

And just like that, as
mysteriously as he arrived,

he was gone.

The whole office
feels darker.

You know?

It's just a sad, dark day.

Andy, he's gone.

I know.

You don't have to
kiss his ass anymore.

Michael's like
a movie on a plane.

You know, it's not great,
but it's something to watch.

And then when it's over,
you're, like,

how much time is left
on this flight?

You know. Now what?

Michael?

Don't look down.
Look straight up.

Come on. Please.

These are for employees only.

Angela, Kevin,
help me out.

I just need a few things,
and then I'll be gone.

Michael, why is it that
you asked everyone

except me, Angela,
Creed and Meredith?

I was going to.
I wanted to.

But I had to
start somewhere.

And you didn't want
to start with us?

No.

Of course not.
But now I want everybody.

Jim.

Buddy.

Buddy. Jimbo.

Did you have time to
think about my offer?

I did have a chance
to think about it,

but then I thought
about something else.

So, which way
are you leaning?

Well, it is tempting, but I am
100% leaning towards passing.

That's...

Did anyone see
the client list

that Michael was supposed
to be working on?

No.

Okay, let me know
if you find it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay,
we don't have much time.

Just act normal.

Don't look at me.
People, stop.

Don't look down. Don't look down.
He's gonna see me.

Not all the way up. Keep
them at a normal height.

Okay? This is not Michael
Scott talking right now.

This is your future. Hello.

I am your future.

You are older and
you are very happy now,

because you went with
Michael Scott, right?

So, everybody,
come on down.

And let's just crawl out of
here together, all right?

Come on! Are you doing
your best here?

Are you being the best
that you can be?

All right, everybody
who's gonna go with me,

I want you
to stomp your foot.

Okay.

All right. Come on.

Come on.

You're coming with me.
Come on, Phyllis.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Michael, get up.
Oh, God, okay.

All right, all right.
Time to go.

Time to go. Jim, let's go.
Come on.

Come on!
Michael!

What are you doing?

I think maybe Hank
should be here.

Hank? You know,
I don't need Hank.

You're gonna mess with me?
Is that what you're gonna do?

I'll tell you something, Charles.
I don't even care,

because I've got
nothing to lose.

Okay.
Oh, my God. No, God! No!

No. All right.
It's not worth it.

Oh, no.
What?

I'm going with him.

What? Pam.

I'm going!

Pam, you can't be serious.

Michael, wait!

I'm coming with you.

You are?

Yeah.

Okay. It's gonna be great.

Great. Except I don't want to
be a receptionist anymore.

Right.

Executive assistant.

Salesman.

All right. Okay.

Deal.
Deal.

Okay, well, Jim?

Still no.

Okay.
Yeah.

Well, let's go.

All my stuff is
still upstairs.

Are people watching?

Probably.

Michael, it's not how you leave an office.
It's how you...

Jim, Jim, Jim.

We're having
a company meeting here.

I will bring all your stuff home.
Okay.

All right.
I'll see you later.

Bye.
See you later.

So, we had
a personnel change today.

Shouldn't affect
our day-to-day,

but until we get a new receptionist,
I want Kevin on the phones.

Phones?

Also, there's been
way too much wasting time.

So, Stanley?
Yes?

Yeah, I want you
on top of that.

Okay, I want you to be
my productivity czar.

Okay? Good.

Okay, that's it on my list.

So, no excuses, guys.
Let's get going, okay?