The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 19 - Two Weeks - full transcript

I had no idea, when I got into that car to go to New York,
that I was going to be quitting.
I got on the ramp, and I was, like, "Two hours.
"Two hours to go. Feeling good. Crank some tunes.
"Should've peed before I left."
Michael, get to the good part.
Okay, so, get up to the building.
Revolving door, broken.
So I have to take the normal door.
Oh, my God. At least he's in the building.
No! No.
I was so nervous, it was the wrong building.
I had walked into the wrong building.
He finally has a story we really wanna hear.
And he knows it.
Okay, focus, focus.
You're in the right building, you're with the right people,
what happened?
I looked at Wallace and I said,
"I quit."
And as I turned to leave, I looked back,
and I said, "You have no idea how high I can fly."
You didn't tell him how sick of him you were?
Why would I do that?
Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that he's incompetent or...
That he's wasted 15 years of your life?
Maybe spit in his face?
You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have.
I just winged it.
I love a good quitting story.
It makes me feel like I have control over my own life.
Gives me hope.
Maybe I'll have one of my own someday.
But I dream.
So...
About a week ago, Michael gave his two-weeks' notice.
And surprisingly, there is a very big difference
between Michael trying and Michael not trying.
Michael, is that Scotch?
Scotch and Splenda.
Tastes like Splenda, gets drunk like Scotch.
Clinky. Clinky-clink. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
What am I gonna do?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna do a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
I'm gonna stay up all day.
I'm gonna sleep up all night.
I'm gonna give it a...
Ho! Hey Ho!
And I'm gonna stop worrying about calories.
Maybe you should go into your office, close the door
and make some calls about jobs.
I have a job.
For four more days.
Do you have any leads on a job?
Pam, what you don't understand, at my level,
you don't just look in the want ads for a job.
You're headhunted.
Have you called any headhunters?
Any good headhunter knows that I'm available.
Any really good headhunter will storm your village at sunset
with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife.
Right, 'cause that's what we're talking about.
I need you to go over these client lists
and indicate any wrong or false data.
Your "I need you to" is my command.
Okay.
Hey, Michael. Hey.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
You can talk to me for as long as you want,
because I have all the time in the world.
Oh, God.
Phyllis.
I just wanted to tell you that...
What's that? Oh! Hey!
What is this about?
You know, 'cause you're leaving and everything.
It's a farewell...
Right.
So I hope I get to work with you someday again.
Me, too. Me, too.
Is this wine? Busted. Yes.
I already have wine.
Hello. Hi.
Isaac Sylvie here for the interview.
Yes, please have a seat. It'll be a few minutes.
Thank you.
Are you interviewing, too?
Um. Hmm?
Interviewing?
For?
Regional manager.
Yes, I am.
For regional manager, I've decided to go with an outside hire.
For obvious reasons.
Where you from? Philly.
That's a drive.
Yeah, well, this is one of the few places that's hiring.
It's brutal out there.
Pam?
When will the new copier be ready?
I'm working on it, Kev.
You said it would be ready by today.
And it is today.
It'll be ready soon.
Soon could mean anything.
Soon could be three weeks.
Is that what soon means to you?
Sometimes.
Then come back soon.
During the course of business a copier goes through something called
normal wear and tear.
I think it's 75 cents.
That's a lot.
Bandit, no! No, no, no!
Yesterday, they delivered the new one.
But they didn't set it up.
So my day just got a little more interesting.
Thank you.
You work in paper long enough, you get to know the players.
Hi, you've reached Prince Paper.
We are sad to inform you that after 40 years of serving the community,
we are no longer in business.
Thank you for your support and may God bless you.
Bye!
What am I gonna do?
Yep? Do you want me to come into your office?
Okay.
All right.
Close your eyes. I'd prefer not to.
Just close your eyes.
I'm going to start my own paper company.
You're starting your own paper company. Yeah!
Why? Can you believe...
'Cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.
Do you that the industry's in decline?
Yeah. Oh, God, I practically invented decline.
Right.
I know paper, I know how to manage.
I have a name. Close your eyes.
No, I did that before. It added nothing.
Close them. Okay.
All right. Michael Scott Paper Company.
You want in? Do you want to be a part of this?
I am not going to do this.
Obviously.
And you are not going to, either.
Agreed. Except...
Here's the thing.
What I wish for you is that you land a job at a company
that A, exists, and B, has a salary,
because they're set up to do that kind of thing.
What's up, Chuck?
Jim, what are you doing?
Nothing. Just talking.
Okay. Michael handed in his two-week notice.
Did you also hand in your two-week... I didn't.
No? Okay.
After you. No, I'm staying.
Okay.
Do you want me to translate the German instructions for you?
No, I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.
Typical American arrogance that got us involved
in a war we never should have been in.
That's a really... World War ll.
Well, fine, did the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?
Let me see here.
That is either an incense dispenser
or a ceremonial
sarcophagus. Hmm.
My German is preindustrial and mostly religious.
Pam, listen.
This order form, instead of saying Dunder Mifflin at the top,
is there any way I could get it to say something else?
Like Michael Scott Paper Company?
You...
Somebody's been talking in bed. Pillow talk.
Yeah. Listen, Michael.
Have you really thought this through?
'Cause it's a pretty big risk.
This is a dream
that I have had since lunch and I am not giving up on it now.
Yeah. You could give it up, though, right?
And almost no one would know.
Before you got here, I'm the one who landed all of these clients.
Half of them. At least.
I can do it again. I know the market.
I know the price points.
I'm on it. Don't worry.
So, how do I do that?
Well,
you can scan it, and then you can upload the image,
and then you can copy a new image...
Could I take a piece of paper
and just tape it with transparent tape?
Yeah. Good.
Thank you very much.
So that is why I have to leave at 5:00 on Tuesdays.
It's to pick up my little sisters from school.
We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians.
You know, you can run this stuff by Toby.
Yeah, I don't like talking...
Come in. I'm sorry.
I didn't realize you were with anyone.
But I just wanted to bring you the brochure on that accounting seminar
that I was telling you about earlier.
Okay, we're in the middle of something, Angela, so...
Actually, you know, it was so much fun last year.
There was a sundae bar.
I mean, I didn't have any.
You know, to stay trim.
Did Michael just let anybody in his office?
Yes. He loved to facilitate communication.
He loved it. He invited us in all the time.
He was, like, "Come in." Yeah.
I am aware of the effect I have on women.
So you should be heading back to your desk.
Okay. Bye, Charles.
Well, you'll let me know. Goodbye.
She's such a special person.
She's turning 50 this year.
I'm starting my own paper company.
No way! Yeah.
In this climate?
In all climates.
It's going to be worldwide.
And I'm looking for some talented salesmen to join me.
That's where you come in.
Well, it's a very intriguing concept, isn't it?
Michael is starting his own paper company.
What do you think about that?
Your own paper company?
Can you believe it? Well, we'll see.
We'll see. Wow.
It's just a... It's a nugget of an idea right now.
Right.
Potential. Lots of potential. Yes.
What a courageous venture.
It's very courageous and very exciting.
Location is hard for me with the farm...
That's what I was thinking.
...and the responsibilities, so... That's what I was thinking.
With the farm. You getting to wherever... It's so crucial...
...I'm gonna put my thing.
Okay. So, think about it.
Yeah. Let's put a pin in it for now.
You know, I would love to put a pin in that.
Everyone, can I have your attention?
This is the moment you've all been waiting for.
Right?
Little Miss Thing wants attention.
Thanks, Meredith.
Oh!
So...
G-44.
It's not ready, Kevin!
I am at a crucial point where I have sunk four hours
into that copier.
And I am not gonna let it beat me like that wireless router did.
You put a note in my food? I made it sterile.
Just saying sterile doesn't make it so.
I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar,
to come work for me.
Do you have a business plan?
A funding request, market research, financials...
No, no, no!
You need those things...
Most new businesses,
they don't make a profit till at least two years.
And then your margins will be razor-thin.
Best-case scenario,
you don't cut yourself a salary for at least five years.
Can you go five years without a salary, Michael?
Okay. Five years?
You already have the job.
You don't have to convince me.
It's just not prudent, Michael.
Stanley.
Can't you see I'm urinating?
Listen. Listen, Stanley, you don't need to answer me now.
No.
Just... I want you to think about it.
I am starting my own company.
No.
Okay, you're not letting me finish.
And you just lost out on a million dollars.
No, I didn't.
You know what?
I had a great time at prom.
And no one said yes to that, either.
How's it working?
Let's see.
Yeah, it's fine.
Good.
I did it. I learned everything about this machine.
I know all the buttons. Even the inside ones.
I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book
in plastic with offset colors,
which feels...
Hey, Hank.
You ready? Yeah.
Okay.
Michael?
I can't pretend I haven't seen that.
So I'm gonna ask you to stand up, walk out
and you can't take anything.
Okay.
I have immunity. It's my two weeks.
Not if you're starting
a competing paper company, Michael.
Hank.
Okay, Michael. Hank?
You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you?
Hank, please escort Charles from the building.
Come on, man, let's go.
I always thought Michael got a bad rap.
He's a good guy. And he's super funny.
Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes.
He's all the way over there.
Well, here we are. I would just like to...
No. No, no, no.
You're done, Michael.
All right then, everybody, I'm out of here!
What is he doing?
It looks like he's saying something.
I think he's singing.
I can't believe this is really happening.
And I feel free!
And just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived,
he was gone.
The whole office feels darker.
You know?
It's just a sad, dark day.
Andy, he's gone.
I know.
You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.
Michael's like a movie on a plane.
You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch.
And then when it's over, you're, like,
how much time is left on this flight?
You know. Now what?
Michael?
Don't look down. Look straight up.
Come on. Please.
These are for employees only.
Angela, Kevin, help me out.
I just need a few things, and then I'll be gone.
Michael, why is it that you asked everyone
except me, Angela, Creed and Meredith?
I was going to. I wanted to.
But I had to start somewhere.
And you didn't want to start with us?
No.
Of course not. But now I want everybody.
Jim.
Buddy.
Buddy. Jimbo.
Did you have time to think about my offer?
I did have a chance to think about it,
but then I thought about something else.
So, which way are you leaning?
Well, it is tempting, but I am 100% leaning towards passing.
That's...
Did anyone see the client list
that Michael was supposed to be working on?
No.
Okay, let me know if you find it.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, we don't have much time.
Just act normal.
Don't look at me. People, stop.
Don't look down. Don't look down. He's gonna see me.
Not all the way up. Keep them at a normal height.
Okay? This is not Michael Scott talking right now.
This is your future. Hello.
I am your future.
You are older and you are very happy now,
because you went with Michael Scott, right?
So, everybody, come on down.
And let's just crawl out of here together, all right?
Come on! Are you doing your best here?
Are you being the best that you can be?
All right, everybody who's gonna go with me,
I want you to stomp your foot.
Okay.
All right. Come on.
Come on.
You're coming with me. Come on, Phyllis.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Michael, get up. Oh, God, okay.
All right, all right. Time to go.
Time to go. Jim, let's go. Come on.
Come on! Michael!
What are you doing?
I think maybe Hank should be here.
Hank? You know, I don't need Hank.
You're gonna mess with me? Is that what you're gonna do?
I'll tell you something, Charles. I don't even care,
because I've got nothing to lose.
Okay. Oh, my God. No, God! No!
No. All right. It's not worth it.
Oh, no. What?
I'm going with him.
What? Pam.
I'm going!
Pam, you can't be serious.
Michael, wait!
I'm coming with you.
You are?
Yeah.
Okay. It's gonna be great.
Great. Except I don't want to be a receptionist anymore.
Right.
Executive assistant.
Salesman.
All right. Okay.
Deal. Deal.
Okay, well, Jim?
Still no.
Okay. Yeah.
Well, let's go.
All my stuff is still upstairs.
Are people watching?
Probably.
Michael, it's not how you leave an office. It's how you...
Jim, Jim, Jim.
We're having a company meeting here.
I will bring all your stuff home. Okay.
All right. I'll see you later.
Bye. See you later.
So, we had a personnel change today.
Shouldn't affect our day-to-day,
but until we get a new receptionist, I want Kevin on the phones.
Phones?
Also, there's been way too much wasting time.
So, Stanley? Yes?
Yeah, I want you on top of that.
Okay, I want you to be my productivity czar.
Okay? Good.
Okay, that's it on my list.
So, no excuses, guys. Let's get going, okay?