The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 18 - New Boss - full transcript

Michael, since it is your fifteenth anniversary at the company,
I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities
with a 15-minute round of applause.
I like it.
Followed by a 15-minute moment of silence.
I don't know.
Is it classy enough?
Jim, enough with the classy, okay?
I just feel like after 15 years at this company...
Bravo, by the way.
That we should celebrate with a very classy event, a night to remember.
I think you're right.
This party has to have all the excitement, drama
and intrigue of my time here.
And, of course, classy.
And classy, yeah.
Michael, you're just agreeing with him 'cause he's wearing a tux.
Don't you see what he's doing here?
Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code.
So, this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously.
Oh! Here's one. A string quartet playing classical music.
You know, that's good, but it's not classy. I need something
classy, like the opening of a car dealership.
That's it.
Or Mr. Peanut. Yes.
Mr. Peanut is not classy. He is.
He is a regular peanut.
He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat.
That's what makes him classy.
Okay, how about this?
An ice sculpture shaped like you
covered in chocolate-covered strawberries.
Dwight, you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy.
See, the thing about classy is, it's a state of mind.
Well, I'm sorry. I just don't know what classy is, then.
Okay, let's just try this one on for size,
and I apologize, 'cause it's right off the top of my head.
An ice sculpture of you completely surrounded
by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.
Strawberries?
That's inspired.
I said that!
Not classy.
Not classy at all.
Déclassé. French!
Classy.
Hi, can I help you?
Yeah, I'm Charles Miner, here to see Michael Scott.
Sure, just one second, please. Have a seat.
Yes? Michael,
there's a Charles Miner here to see you.
Miner? I hardly know her!
Hello?
Yeah, are you coming out now?
Uh-huh.
Well, well, well, who have we here?
It is Prince Charles Miner!
At your service. Everybody, this is Sir Charles Miner,
and he is the new VP for the Northeast region,
so just give it up for this big guy, right?
Give it up!
Here he is. There he is.
Hey. Hi.
Hi, everyone...
Wow! Hold that thought.
You know what? I want everybody to go into the break room.
I have a little surprise for you.
Go ahead. You, too.
Dwight, would you escort our guest in there?
Come on. Here we go. Don't be shy.
Don't be shy, you're one of us.
Dwight, stall him a little bit. I have to get the fish.
Hey. Yes?
Really wish you would've told me the new boss was coming today.
What? No! I didn't want to make everybody nervous.
No, I mean I could've brought a change of clothes, or...
You look dynamite.
What are you talking about?
Very slick. Okay, let me get the fish.
Originally founded in 1866,
Scranton quickly became one of Pennsylvania's
largest anthracite coalmining communities.
Surprise! There's nothing in here.
The real surprise is in the conference room.
Let's go!
God! Okay, come on! Come on!
I'll finish it up later, but essentially what we're talking about is...
Surprise!
As you can see, I turned the bagels
from O's into C's, for Charles.
Thank you. Took me all night.
This is what you did last night?
I met this guy at corporate last week,
and we were just digging each other's vibe.
I was totally grooving on him, and vice versa.
And besides, the last two people to have his job
were Jan and Ryan.
The former was my lover, and the latter my best friend, so who knows?
I do.
It's gonna be mental!
It's going to be mental.
Oh, my God, he's like a black George Clooney.
Really? I don't see it.
I mean, he's okay. He's not unattractive, he's...
Hey, how you doing?
I'm Jim Halpert, from sales.
Hey. Just wanted to say,
if you need anything, let me know.
Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
I didn't think you'd notice.
It's funny, actually. There's another salesman out here,
Dwight Schrute, he sent out this memo, as he always does,
and it was about professionalism in the workplace,
and of course he singled me out.
So I just had to mess with him.
You'd understand if you read the memo,
which I should probably get you.
There's probably one in the drawer.
It was pretty crazy.
But...
Not more crazy than wearing a tux at work.
I'll grant you that, so I'm gonna...
Your name's Jim? Jim Halpert, yep,
so just gonna let you get back to it, so...
He just had to wear his tux today.
I thought I'd be funny.
Took him 40 minutes to get ready.
All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops.
Accounting, front and center.
Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody.
This is the accounting department.
Hey. I come from accounting, too.
Nerd alert!
This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino,
and he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil,
who broke his heart, but he didn't bring any of that into work,
it did not affect his job performance whatsoever,
and I am very proud of him
for that.
Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you. Good.
This little hell-raiser is Angela.
She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office.
The one over there, in the orange.
Heyo!
Heyo. Where's the other...
You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin,
and he has no sexual history.
Hey!
How about I just say hi to everyone at one time?
Good! Good, good, good.
Everyone please give it up for Charles Miner.
Thank you, Michael. Thank you for the C-shaped bagels.
Well... Above and beyond. Great. That's great.
Hey, you know, we're in tough times,
and we're not immune to this economy.
That's true. But the goal is
to, you know, fight our way through this.
Stanley Hudson. Are there going to be layoffs?
No, absolutely not.
Hold on, Michael, thank you.
Stanley, you know, we can't make any promises,
but we'll try everything in our power to avoid that.
Do you have specifics?
Well, Michael should have filled you in last week.
Well, due to the economy, there's a lot of worry going around.
I didn't want to worry people. Well... You didn't tell them.
Why don't...
Yeah, what I told Michael...
Charles is going to tell you.
...is that we are cutting 3% across the board,
which means we will no longer be matching
401 contributions,
and all overtime requests will need
to come through the corporate office.
Fantastic. Well, it's not official.
It is official. It is official... Well...
And actually, guys, I'm encouraging branches
to consider a freeze on discretionary spending.
Such as salary benefits, etcetera, etcetera...
No, no.
...insurance. Not salaries.
Petty cash, supplies and parties. Things like that.
Well... No.
What about your party?
Okay, okay. You know what?
I think this has been great.
I think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it?
Charles Miner, ladies and gentlemen. He has a long trip home.
Thank you for coming in. We have to get back to work!
Michael, I'm going to stay for the day.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
I've got this covered. This was just a meet and greet.
No, this is a little more involved than that.
I'm gonna set up in here, okay?
I am thrilled that the new boss
has taken such an active interest
in all of the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have.
Thrilled.
David, it was my understanding
that I was not going to be managed.
What gave you that idea?
It was my understanding.
I see.
Listen, why don't we just leave that position vacant?
Truth be told, I think I thrive
under a lack of accountability.
Look, Michael, Charles is very qualified.
Get to know him.
I really think the two of you are going to make a great team.
But the branch is still mine?
You're still the branch manager, yes.
And if you need anything else at all, just let Charles know.
Ask him about the party.
Right. David, are you coming to my fifteenth anniversary party?
I'll give it my best shot, Michael.
No, no, no, the other thing.
Okay. If we hire Cirque du Soleil as salaried employees,
will that help us with the year-end tax stuff?
Think he hung up?
No.
I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I
should try to get to know each other better, and I agree.
So, what I would like you to do is tell me something
that you've never told anybody before.
No.
Come on. What's your wife's name?
Where did you work before you came here?
Saticoy Steel.
Beautiful!
See, African-Americans have such a rich history of unusual names.
No, I worked at a company called Saticoy Steel.
You're not from paper? No.
Does David know this? Yeah, he knows.
He just wants a good manager.
Well, that actually is an excellent segue into,
really, what is my only point... Yeah, what is that?
...and that is, I don't need to be managed, Charles.
And if you want to pick up some tips observing here
and take them to the other branches, it's all good,
but Jan would mostly come by when she was super horny
and Ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry, so...
Are we clear?
That's not how I plan on doing things.
Okay, okay.
Well, I'll just bounce that off David.
See what comes back.
I'll tell David what he needs to know.
Sorry. David wants it this way.
Whatever David wants.
Okay.
Michael Scott calling for David.
Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible. Thanks.
Michael, come on, no. You have to charm them.
David Wallace's office.
Hey there, gorgeous. How you doing today?
I'm good, thank you.
How's it hanging?
All right.
Good, listen. My name is Michael
Scotch,
and I just wanted to say
that I've got David Wallace's son in the trunk of my car.
If he doesn't get on this phone in five seconds,
I'm gonna start...
What are you doing? God!
Oh, my God.
David Wallace's office.
Hi, Stephanie, it's Michael Scott again.
I just spoke with Michael Scotch,
and the son's going to be returned.
Everything's fine.
Michael...
And I really, really need to talk to David.
Please hold.
Charles Miner.
Hello? Hello, who is this?
Who is this?
I was never given a name.
Hi, can I help you?
I don't think anyone here...
Pam. Hey, everyone, lunch is on me today.
Whoa!
Wow! That is so unnecessary.
Are you kidding me with this?
On the day that I bring in breakfast?
Hey, man, it's no big deal.
I wish you had told us sooner, because I was going to go
to the vending machine and get an egg salad.
You still have that option.
Thanks again, Charles. You're welcome.
Thank you.
Nobody thanked me for breakfast except Charles.
You say no more parties,
and then you spend all of this money on lunch.
I think it's a little hypercritical.
I do this for every branch I go to.
If you do not like it, then I think there are some bagels
left over from this morning.
Damn it, Stephanie, put me through to him.
Is that him in the background? David?
David. David, pick up the phone.
Should I seduce him?
No. No one wants to see that.
Michael.
Okay. Yep?
I just realized that I used the 2008 calendar
to do the spreadsheets for January and February.
I may need to come in this weekend to fix it.
Do some overtime.
Want to do some overtime this weekend?
You know what, Kevin?
I applaud your initiative.
Yes, you may.
No, sorry, Michael. No, Kevin, right?
Gonna need you to do that during office hours.
Okay. Okay. Thank you.
Kevin, this is my branch.
You don't ask Charles. You ask me.
I say approved.
That's not the way it's gonna work.
Yes, it is. No, it is not.
No, it is not.
Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Okay, so we're on the same page, great!
Okay, Michael. No, seriously.
Okay, Michael. No, seriously.
How old are you? How old are you?
Oh, no.
I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do.
The more infantile, the more upset he is.
And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking-butt thing.
He never skips it.
This is bad.
Five years old. Five years old.
Dude, stop.
Michael! This is great.
- Michael, stop doing that! - This is great.
- ...a whole mess of trouble. - Stop it!
I'm going to walk away.
I'm going to walk away.
Stop doing that!
I'm kidding around. Wow! Relax, everybody.
It's just a joke. It's fine.
Boy, so touchy. PPC, let's continue our morning meeting
in the conference room.
And then out of that cake pops another stripper holding a smaller cake,
and then an even smaller stripper pops out of that one.
What is that smaller stripper holding?
A cupcake. Nice.
It's cupcakes and strippers all the way down.
Okay.
What exactly is the PPC?
That's the Party Planning Committee.
They spend hours planning parties.
Excuse me, guys.
What's going on in here? Party Planning Committee.
Not your concern, Charles.
This doesn't seem like a good way to spend company time.
Really? Well, then, how would we come up
with great ideas like Jim's? Go ahead.
No, I would like to get back to work, actually.
- Please. - What you got, Jim?
What is a two-way petting zoo?
You pet the animals, they pet you back.
It's a great idea. And we have a cake
in the shape of a bale of hay.
It's really just a regular-shaped cake...
- But it's cool, and it's... - No.
This isn't a good use of company time, Michael.
Whoa. You're talking about my anniversary party, so...
Okay, everyone except for Michael, go back to your desks.
Thank you very much. Yeah, why don't you do that?
Yeah, here we go. Okay. Okay.
Okay, Michael, I'm dissolving this committee.
What? Yeah, I mean, come on!
This is a workplace. It isn't designed for your vanity.
Newsflash. I've been here for 15 years.
Headline. You have been here one day.
End of story.
You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party.
End of story. End of story! End of story!
I don't care if I've hurt your feelings
or you do not agree with my methods, but it is over.
Okay, no, no, no, you know what? I'm going to New York,
and I am going to talk to David Wallace.
I'm going to tell him everything,
and I'm sorry to say, you're screwed.
And you know what?
You are gonna be through.
And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do that to you.
Right.
Do you even know how paper is made?
It's not like steel.
You don't put it into a furnace!
If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen?
You'd ruin it!
Come in.
Hey! Hey.
All right, Charles, I gotta be honest.
I think we really got off on the wrong foot here,
and, truth be told, I'm a pretty smart guy and a hard worker
and I'm a great number two for the office.
Number two?
Second-in-command to Michael.
I didn't know that position existed.
That's because at first it was a made-up position for Dwight,
just to make him feel better.
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
But then he lost that, and Michael gave it to me.
So you're the Assistant to the Regional Manager?
Assistant Regional Manager, yeah.
Any responsibilities come with it?
No, not exactly.
Do you want to keep this made-up position?
It's important to you?
All right, I will...
I'm just going to let you get back to it. Yeah, would you...
Yep. Thanks.
Hello, Stephanie. Okay, where is he?
Michael.
So is this the meeting you've been in all day?
How did you get here, Michael?
I drove.
Okay.
Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party.
Just pulled the rug out from under me.
He said no figs. I've already bought them,
and I don't have a place to store them.
So I feel like I've been sort of boned.
Michael... Did you talk to him about this?
You've talked to him all day, obviously.
Did you talk to him about this?
Well, I didn't know about the figs specifically...
No, okay, then I don't get it.
It doesn't make any sense to me,
because I thought the new system was
that I was supposed to talk to Charles,
and then Charles was supposed to talk to you,
and that would dilute any need for me
to ever talk to you again.
That's not exactly the system...
Clearly that's what you wanted.
No...
Fifteen years I've been here,
and I have sacrificed a lot.
Yes.
I've put having a family on hold.
We didn't ask you to do that.
And I have never gone hang-gliding.
And I've never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington.
Okay.
- Nice meeting everyone. - All right.
I'll see you in a couple of weeks. Cool.
Excellent.
It was very nice meeting you, Charles Miner.
Okay.
See you.
See you!
Bye!
And for my next trick, I will make my career disappear.
I could see our kids facing obstacles,
being half black and half Indian,
but it's so worth it, you guys.
There's just me here.
I am going to get him to buy me a prime rib tonight.
I think he left. What?
Move!
Hello? Charles?
Charles?
Hey!
Is that his scarf?
No!
Charles and Kelly? Absolutely not.
He is a sophisticated man.
He does not need to go dumpster-diving for companionship, okay?
I don't understand that, after 15 years of service here,
I have to get in a car and drive to New York in order to talk to you.
That doesn't seem right to me.
That doesn't seem fair, and I think
that I've earned more than that.
Yep.
You're right, yes. I get it. I get it, Michael.
Okay. Here's what I'm gonna do.
Okay.
We will move some money around,
and I will personally see to it that you have your party,
you have your figs. I will be in attendance.
It's gonna be great. How's that?
I quit.
What?
Michael. You have no idea how high I can fly.