The Office (2005–2013): Season 5, Episode 17 - Golden Ticket - full transcript

Yeah, that's no problem. Pam.
Sure. Pam, knock knock.
I'm on the phone. I know you are. Knock knock.
You can fax it over.
Yeah, 5-7-0-5-5-5... 4-9-1...
...0-1... ...7-4...
...7-5. Five-ling.
0-1 -7-5. Thank you. Bye-bye.
That really makes us look unprofessional.
They would never know it was me doing it.
Here we go. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Buddha.
Buddha who? Buddha this bread for me, won't you?
Great. I need something to wipe my hand.
Now, there's butter on my desk. That was melting.
It was a classic. I got a knock knock joke.
No. God.
Michael, please, please, please.
Please let me. All right.
Knock knock. Who's there?
KGB. KG...
We will ask the questions. What the hell was that?
- What are you doing? - What are you doing?
Hey, hey! Stop it! Stop it! Hey! Come on! You like that? You like that?
What are you doing? Mine was part of a hilarious joke!
Mine was retribution. What are you doing?
No more knock knock jokes.
That's it. Ding dong.
Who's there? KGB.
Dwight, get the door. I'm not answering it.
Answer the door. Ding dong.
- No way. It's the KGB. - Ding dong.
I'm not answering that. Yes, you're going to.
You answer it! I'm not going to answer it.
Ding dong. I'm not going to answer it. It's the KGB.
The KGB will wait for no one!
It's true.
Good morning, Michael.
No, no, no.
I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonka!
Good morning, Mr. Wonka. Here are your messages.
Why, thank you very much.
What are those? What are those? Tell me, please.
Jellybeans. No, no, no.
They are not just ordinary jellybeans, little girl.
These are extraordinary jellybeans.
The Willy Wonka golden-ticket promotional idea
is probably the best idea I have ever had.
It's probably the best idea anybody's ever had.
Three days ago,
I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments.
This entitles the customer to 10% off of their total order.
It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy and full of excitement.
And full of fantasy.
I've written these things
because it is my responsibility as manager of this branch
to profiligate great ideas.
And I think I have done my part with the golden-ticket promotion.
Now it is your turn.
I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine.
We own our own delivery trucks.
We could lease them out on the weekends... Too many words.
Good ideas are simple, golden ticket.
Free paper. No, Jim.
We're a business. Post-its, that is a golden-ticket idea.
NASA took five or six golden-ticket ideas to get men on the moon.
Golden Girls. That's a golden-ticket idea. Right?
I mean, how great was that show?
Golden Grahams. Another. It's a...
I don't get this.
No, you don't. No. It...
What will be the state of this company
if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas, right?
I think I should call her.
No. No. No.
Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today?
You're making it too easy for her.
You're just conveying, "I like you just the way you are."
But I do like her just the way she is.
Well, that's not what we agreed on.
What are you doing?
Why don't you just go on a date with her?
Try to spark up an ongoing joke and then, in a month or two,
if it feels right, you'll know. No.
You don't have to wait that long.
I mean, you don't have to wait a month to ask her out. Just ask her out.
You're asking him to give up all of his power.
What power?
Andy, Pam and Jim are all telling me
how to deal with this girl that I like, Lynn.
I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time.
I'm a textbook over-thinker.
You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you.
Every compliment has to be backhanded.
"I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair."
That's psychotic.
Do guys actually do that?
Guys with girlfriends don't.
That's low, Tuna.
Hey, Tom. What's that?
Oh, you found a golden ticket.
One of my clients found a golden ticket.
Yeah.
No, congratulations about that.
Yeah, I'll take that down right now. Tell me,
was it a spoiled little girl
with big lips? I'm on the phone.
Or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?
Hold on one sec. Invite them on the tour.
Hold on one sec.
It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania. Really?
Yeah. That's kind of a big client.
Hey, Oscar.
How much of a hit is 10% of our Blue Cross account?
10%? Yeah.
They're our largest client. Yeah.
- That's going to hurt. - Hold on one sec.
Hold on one sec, Tom. What's that?
You found five golden tickets?
And does it say limit one per customer?
Nope. It doesn't.
How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments?
I thought I did,
so no harm, no foul. Okay, well I'm going to go call corporate
to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales.
You didn't. It'll be fine.
It'll be good.
Hey, hey, hey. You idiot.
Start over.
Sir, I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes
and somehow they all ended up at Blue Cross.
How does this happen?
Were the boxes near each other?
Irrelevant.
I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week.
They use a lot of paper.
Okay, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest.
What is a pallet?
My golden-ticket idea, okay.
Why would anyone think that this is my golden-ticket idea?
There's a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody's golden-ticket idea.
That...
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Hi, David.
No, I'm sorry. He's not back from the civil rights rally.
I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.
When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is.
"Stopping a fight in the parking lot.
"An Obama fashion show." Whatever that is.
Or "Trapped in an oil painting." I'm going to save that one.
Nobody panic. The good news is
they can't fire all of us, right? They can.
No, they can't. Yes, they can.
Well, Oscar, you don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?
All right, then we're screwed.
I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas
and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy so...
Okay, well, I lost a ton of money today.
And I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed, too.
Thank you. Jim is with me.
Absolutely not. I'm mad at you.
Well, you know what, Jim, it is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam.
- That is why carnations exist. - That's not why.
Okay, we need a gold-ticket idea to get us out of this mess. Yes?
Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?
Good one.
Okay, don't get that. Please.
I've got a golden-ticket idea.
Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?
That is not constructive.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Oh, hi, David.
He's having a colonoscopy.
All right. I'll find out if he's out yet.
Hello, David. I just got back from my procedure, so...
Michael, what the hell is going on here?
How are you doing?
Fine. What is going on? My colonoscopy
was an examination of my large colon
and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
Why did you okay this golden-ticket idea?
We're going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?
Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen,
and I just don't... I don't know.
How could you not know, Michael?
I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant.
You might have... Okay, what firm?
You're breaking up. Michael.
Okay. I think it might have been an inside consultant.
Was it the sales department?
Yes.
Was it Jim? No.
Okay. Was it Dwight?
Yes.
Come on in. Good to see you. Have a seat.
I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden-ticket idea.
That was your idea.
Whoa, wow, who told you that? You did.
No. Several times.
I don't think I ever did. Over and over again.
That was your idea, Dwight. You were dressed as Willy Wonka.
I'm not taking credit for that. So... Wasn't my idea.
Would love to, but I can't. Wait a second, wait a second.
Wait a second. I wrote it down in my diary.
You don't keep a diary. Yes, I do. You've just never seen it.
March 4th, "Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets."
Hold on.
March 4th,
"Michael Scott came up with golden-ticket idea to give five customers
"10% off for one year."
Why do you have a diary?
To keep secrets from my computer.
Okay, you know what, you came up with this idea.
I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie
when you were growing up. Impossible.
Yes, you did. I wasn't given candy as a child,
so a movie that fetishized it that much would've made no sense to me.
Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies, so do the math.
What are you writing?
"Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine.
"Discussed movies."
Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?
With all my heart.
You guys are throwing a lot at me.
Well, all I'm saying is it's the first date, so just keep a respectful distance.
Right.
I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.
No, that is what I mean.
Kevin, a playful touch on the arm or on the back,
it can show your interest, and it's really romantic.
Like that? No. Stop it.
Don't touch her, don't talk to her, don't look at her.
He wants to be more than just friends. Put your heart out there,
it's liable to just turn into this blackened, carbon brick,
where it has barbeque sauce of shame and rage.
And two hot people with a perfect relationship
would not understand that.
We think a lot alike.
Sometimes you will think something, and I will say what you're thinking.
Okay, what am I thinking right now?
Nacho chips. No.
I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.
Okay. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight.
I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Oh, not gonna happen.
I did fall on my sword once.
I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.
Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean, what's the point?
You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming.
You're not dating Angela anymore.
It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold-ticket idea.
It doesn't matter.
Me, on the other hand, I would be lost without this place.
You, way too manly.
What about Shoe La La?
It's not ready yet.
I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La.
And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life.
Like the day that you get married, or the day your wife has a baby,
or for just lounging around the house.
May I have your attention, please? I have an announcement.
Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together.
And although I probably will never do it again, I had fun.
I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight. These aren't announcements.
Yes, they are. You just don't care about the information.
I love working here, and I do not want to leave.
He doesn't love it that much.
Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
Well... I mean, like we were talking about,
that is why he has come to the conclusion...
We discussed the fact that I'm cooped up here
instead of experiencing the whole wide world.
Right. You know, plowing my own acres.
Going around shirtless all day. You know, experiencing freedom.
That's it. That's it. You can't put a price on freedom.
Try me. That's why you've made the decision.
That's why you made...
I haven't made a decision yet. You kind of have.
No. Yes, you have.
You cannot take the fall for him.
He said he would do the same for me.
He can do the same for you right now by getting fired instead of you.
So what are you going to do?
I'm going to go back to work, after I write you up for insubordination.
There he is.
Oh, my God. Dwight! Dwight, get in.
What's it going to be? What are you going to do?
What's it going to be? Are you going to do this thing for me?
Dwight?
Hey, David, how are you? Michael.
Good to see you. Nice surprise. Hey.
Yeah.
Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation.
That's too bad.
Yes, it is. But it had to be done, didn't it?
Hopefully, nothing that can't be undone because, Dwight, I owe you an apology.
The head of Blue Cross just called.
They were so excited by the golden-ticket discount
that they have decided to make Dunder Mifflin their exclusive provider
of all office supplies.
Congratulations, Dwight.
David,
you're welcome. Yeah.
I just want to say that this golden-ticket idea
is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I've ever seen at this company.
And how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute?
All right, Dwight!
This is huge. That's what she said.
Hey, Dwight, great idea. Dwight, Dwight, great idea.
How'd you come up with that idea?
Inspiration. Really?
How were you inspired? Never know when it's going to strike.
How did it pop into your head, Dwight? Just boom.
Just give me the details of how that happened.
You're talking to Dwight Schrute, the biggest Wonka fan I know.
I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years.
What?
You know what, I even made fun of you
when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea,
and, for that, I apologize.
Apology rejected.
Thanks so much for helping the company, Dwight.
Oh, Pam.
Good work, kid.
Thanks, old man.
This is... This is great.
Okay, look, I want to get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York.
- They should meet you. - Great idea. Yeah.
Pam, could you set up a call in there in about 15 minutes, please?
Sure. David. David.
David. David. 'Cause I've got this idea for a...
Yeah? Could I be part of the meeting also?
You probably have too much to do around here.
I don't want to take up your time with another meeting.
Yeah, let's face it, this meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only.
He's never seen the movie.
All right.
Hey, guys, I have with me Dwight Schrute. Dwight, take it away.
Okay, guys, listen up. Here's the deal. I love candy, sweet, sugary candy,
from the second it touches my tongue
to the moment it's metabolized by my stomach acid,
so naturally I liked Willy Wonka.
Wait, do you guys hear that?
There's not a dog listening in, is there? I hear panting.
No. No dogs.
So I love Willy Wonka.
The golden-ticket scene is so inspiring to me
that that's where I came up with that idea.
There is no movie called Willy Wonka!
It's called Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.
It's actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I can't vouch for that. Pam.
But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea.
That is my idea. We are going to call you back, guys.
What is going on here? Okay, here's what happened, David.
It was all my idea.
You called me, and you were really angry at me,
and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall.
But now it turns out that it's a great idea,
and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that?
No. No. It is my idea.
How dare you, Dwight? It is my idea.
I'm filled with good ideas. Are you?
Thousands of good ideas. You are?
Yeah. Good ideas?
Hey, did you come up with Toilet Buddy?
It's a net, a circular net you put inside the toilet
to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet,
formerly known as Toilet Guard. Horse Boat.
Oh, please. A canoe built around your horse
so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down.
Horse Boat. Toilet Sponge.
It's a hollowed out sponge... Give me a break.
...that is more absorbent and softer than toilet paper.
I have a lot of toilet ideas. That's 'cause they're easy.
They're not easy. Guys. Guys.
Everybody... Women's urinal.
Everybody has to go to the bathroom! Enough. Please, enough.
Well, is this true, Dwight? I mean, is this true?
Yes, it's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death.
Thank you.
I don't know what... What do you want me to do now, Michael?
What am I supposed to do now?
Well, David, I will be honest with you.
I do want the credit without any of the blame.
Okay. I am going back to New York.
Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes.
Okay.
I am gone.
When they look back on this day in the history books,
all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea.
And that's what I'm going to write down in my diary.
And that is what I want you to write down in yours.
Oh, I am. In my own words.
I want to see it. No.
I want to see that. No, Michael.
Give me the diary. No. No!
Hi. Lynn,
I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.
Okay. I think you have the best smile.
I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Okay.
Nice...
...boobs.
Well, it's his funeral, so...
Ding dong.
Who is it?
KGB. All right.
I just got out of the shower. I'll be one second.
When you are done, open the door.
Hello in there?
Yeah, I'm late for work so I have to brush my teeth.
It's a whole routine.
We have other houses to visit.
If you want to come back, then that would be fine.
We'll come back at...
How's 4:45?
I get home from work around 6:00.
How about 5:15?
You can try. That might work.
Very well, we will come back at 5:15.
All right.