The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 2 - Dunder Mifflin Infinity - full transcript
There's a new boss in town - Much to the dismay of Michael and many of the employees, Ryan return to the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin to bring the company into the digital age. Angela is still upset about her cat.
Hey.
Hey.
I got you one.
Oh, wow. Thank you.
Yeah.
I'm just going to
grab some chips.
You want some?
No, thanks.
We're still having
lunch today, right?
I guess.
How dare you.
Hey, Toby, what's this?
"I just want to
remind everyone
about the company rules
"involving PDA,
or public displays
of affection"?
Yes. Some people
in the office have
complained...
Oh, really?
...about some other people
engaging in PDA,
and, you know, I just want
to remind that it's not
appropriate to do that.
Is this about me and Jan
in my office?
Because I will have
you know that that
was consensual.
What we did
has nothing to do
with you or anyone here.
I don't think anyone
heard anything.
We were very discreet
and most people had
left by that point.
Okay...
So I don't think
it's any of your business.
What I think you
should do is roll up
the memo real tight...
Okay, hey, look,
the memo was not
about you.
F'or the record, I have never
been involved with anyone
at work in any capacity.
All right, everyone.
Look. It...
All right, the complaint
was about Jim and Pam.
So...
No way.
What?
You guys are together?
Um...
Yep.
Yes, we are.
Wow!
Tuna!
Awesome!
I knew it.
MICHAEL: You guys!
To the two of you.
MICHAEL: Yes! Yes!
Toby, was this your
fun little way of
congratulating us?
Yes.
Okay, mind is exploding.
Get over here. Come on.
Come here. Okay.
Okay, stand up.
Okay, here we go.
Everyone, this is a day
that will live in infamy,
because today is the day
that Jim and Pam become one.
Actually we've been
dating for a couple
of months.
I love you guys so much.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Phone's ringing.
No, no, no,
Pam, let them ring.
Let the bells of
Dunder Mifflin chime
out your love,
because this is really good.
This is really good.
My heart soars
with the eagle's nest.
I don't see it.
I think they both
could do better.
It's not a surprise
to me. Pam is the
office mattress.
Jim Halpert's
off the market.
Guess who just became
the best-looking single
guy in the office?
Hey, can you make
that straighter?
That's what she said.
Did you plan that?
No.
"Can you make
that straighter?
"That job looks hard.
"You should put
your mouth on that."
How can you even use
that one naturally?
Blowing up balloons,
I thought.
PAM: "You might want
to trim it a little."
Michael...
Oh, is Ryan coming
back today?
Yeah, he is.
Oh.
Pam and Jim are together.
Ryan is visiting.
Only thing that could
make this day better
is ice cream.
What do you want?
To give you this.
What is that?
It's a feral barn cat.
I trapped him last night
and I'm giving him to you
as a replacement cat
for the one I destroyed.
Her name was Sprinkles.
And his name is Garbage.
Mose calls him Garbage,
'cause he likes to
eat garbage.
Don't you, Garbage?
(IMITATES CHEWING)
I can't believe you
just thought you could
replace Sprinkles.
Before she's even
in the ground.
You haven't buried her yet?
Don't rush me.
I'm grieving.
Garbage can be very
helpful, okay?
He's a useful cat.
He killed an entire family
of raccoons. Look at him.
I don't want Garbage.
I want Sprinkles.
(SIGHS)
(MEOWS)
Hey, Toby.
Hey, you two.
JIM: Hey.
So, now that
we are dating,
we just wanted to
know if we had to
sign one of those
"we're dating" things
for the company.
Oh, well, you know
those are only for,
you know, "relationships."
So if this is just
a casual thing,
there's no need.
Really.
Oh.
Well, I won't speak
for Jim, but it's, like,
pretty official.
Uh-huh.
Sorry, so do we need
to sign one or...
Let's just wait and
see what happens. Yeah.
What?
Let's just wait.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Great.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, Ryan, welcome back...
Hold on one second.
Hey, Pam,
it's great to see you.
Is Michael in?
Yeah.
MICHAEL: Hey. There
he is. There he is.
He's back
and he's with a beard.
(LAUGHING)
He has facial hair.
Look at him.
All grown up
and no place to go.
Hello, Mr. Sonny Crockett.
I'm Tubbs.
Okay. Should we get started?
Oh, yeah,
let's get started because...
Yes, 'cause this is
very serious business.
Yeah. Exactly.
This is a
business meeting.
Business meeting.
F'ire guy.
Stop that!
(LAUGHING)
That's right.
MICHAEL: That's right.
F'ire guy.
RYAN: Oh, you scared me.
He's the fire guy.
Don't start any fires.
(MAKING SOUND EF'F'ECTS)
F'ire guy.
You weren't here for that.
Here for what?
When he started the fire.
Look how big he is.
Look at you.
You are so mature and old
and little man now.
You're like our little man.
Okay...
Little old man-boy.
Michael, everybody...
With a beard.
KEVIN: Bearded man-boy.
MICHAEL: Wow!
Let me say something.
I know I used to be
a temp here,
but now everything
is different.
I'd like your respect.
I am your boss now.
You're gonna have to treat me
the same way you treated Jan.
Oh, wow.
So...
Mmm. That's a little kinky.
I don't swing that way.
Okay.
(LAUGHING) Woo!
I think Ryan has
a gay crush on me.
Enough! Okay?
This is inappropriate
and it stops right now.
Do you understand?
Yes.
Everybody, come on,
settle down.
Let's get serious here.
Ryan has a very
special important
presentation to do,
which we will be
doing in the conference
room in 10 minutes.
Perfect.
Sound good?
Okay. All right.
Yeah, Ryan snapped at me.
But there was this twinkle
in his eye that I picked
up on, which said,
"Dude, we're friends.
I'm doing this for
appearances.
"I am the big boss now,
"and I have to
seem like an ogre,
but you know me
"and you trust me
and we like each other,
"and we'll always be friends
and I would never take
you for granted
"in a million years.
"And I miss you, man,
and I love you."
His words.
Dunder Mifflin Infinity
represents a
floor-to-ceiling streamlining
of our business model.
The centerpiece
of the campaign
is a new business-to-business
website interface
that will allow us to
compete directly
with big-box chains.
Wait a second,
last time I checked,
Dunder Mifflin
already has a website.
And quite frankly,
I'm not really sure
what's wrong with it.
This is a
massive overhaul.
We're getting
younger, sleeker
and more agile with
the way that we adapt
to the marketplace.
All essential personnel
will be issued BlackBerries
for company use.
Oh, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme.
I'll stick around
for a while to help you
set them up afterwards.
Any questions? Dwight?
What if we don't want to use
a BlackBerry because they
are stupid and pointless?
This is company-wide, Dwight.
DWIGHT: Got it.
RYAN: Andy?
You should call it
Dunder Mifflinfinity.
You know,
push the words together.
Any other questions?
Kelly Kapour?
Can we speak privately
about our relationship?
Thank you, everybody.
Ryan Howard, everybody.
Good job.
That was some fun stuff.
When does the
website go up?
As fast as possible.
We want to start
retraining people ASAP
so we can hit the ground
running with the new system.
Cool beans.
We're screwed.
Who is?
Us. You and me.
The old-timers.
I am not old. You are old.
You are, like, 100.
You're over 40.
That's the cut-off.
Are you listening to
what he's saying?
"Retraining,"
"new system," "youth."
I'm telling you this kid
is the Grim Reaper.
You deal with this
or you, me, Sammy,
Phyllis, the chick you hit
with the car, we're goners.
I swore I wouldn't tell
anybody this, but
in the interest of
revealing secrets...
Oh, my God,
this is gonna make
your brain explode.
Dwight and Angela
dating.
Have been for six months.
No.
Swear to God.
Oh, this is great.
I was actually gonna wait
and tell you on your birthday,
but this is much more fun.
No, they have been dating
for, like, two years.
Since before your barbecue.
Wait, what?
You knew?
And you didn't
say anything?
You didn't say
anything to me.
F'air enough.
Wow. We should have
started dating, like,
a long time ago.
PHYLLIS: Oh, sorry...
Can you believe that?
I didn't know you guys
were in here.
Oh, no.
We're just sitting here.
I couldn't see your hands.
Hey, Pam, by the way,
it's great that you're dating.
But when a new client calls,
you just have to randomly
assign them to a salesperson.
You can't base who gets
new clients on who you're
sleeping with that week.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
And that is why
we waited so long
to tell people.
Okay, what's up?
Yeah, okay,
I was just...
After the presentation I just
wanted to make sure that
vis-à-vis me in the office,
everything is
business as usual?
Well, it is business,
but not as usual.
Yeah, no, I understand.
We're making great
strides, we're updating,
but business as usual, no?
No. We're throwing out
the entire playbook,
we're starting from scratch,
we're implementing
a brand new system.
Good. So we're
on the same page.
No, we're not.
(GRUNTS)
Michael, I know exactly how
much time and manpower
are wasted in this branch.
This company is
getting younger, faster
and more efficient.
You need to
prepare yourself.
We had a foreign exchange
student live with us
when I was young
and we called him
my brother and that's
what I thought he was.
And then he went home
to what is now
formerly Yugoslavia,
taking all of my
blue jeans with him.
And I had to spend
the entire winter in shorts.
That is what Ryan is like.
A fake brother
who steals your jeans.
So, how are you?
Awesome. I am dating
a lot of guys.
Good.
A lot.
Black guys, mostly.
Kelly.
(LOUDLY) What?
PHYLLIS: Wait...
How do you touch
just one of these
buttons at a time?
I don't know.
Did you even try?
If the kid wants to
set mine up, I'll let him.
I can't see half the things.
It's too little.
Use the phone.
KELLY: I want you to tell me
that you care about me.
That is what I want.
RYAN: Kelly, I'm your
boss now, okay?
You can't keep
talking to me like
I'm your boyfriend.
Oh, big strong man,
fancy new whatever.
I don't think you
ever cared about me.
I never cared about you?
Six months ago,
Karen F'ilippelli
sent me an email,
asked me out,
I said no,
because I was committed
to our relationship.
Well, I hope
you're still committed,
because I'm pregnant.
And guess what, buddy?
I am keeping it.
Okay. Okay.
Do you feel
prepared to help me
raise a baby?
I can't...
I can't talk about this
right now, okay?
After work,
we'll go out to dinner.
We'll talk about it
then, okay?
We have a date.
Hello.
Hello, Dwight.
I've been thinking
about things
and I wanted to know
if you would have dinner
with me tonight.
Really?
Yes.
I'll make a reservation.
No, no. Let me cook for you.
Cauliflower and noodles.
Baked potato on the side.
I would prefer a public place.
See you after work.
(SIGHS)
Hi, Pam.
Hi.
Is Michael in?
In his office.
You can go right in.
Okay.
Hey.
Jan.
Ryan. Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.
So, elephant in the room,
I have your old job.
Well, not exactly
my job. I mean, I had
a different title.
Oh, well, excuse me.
Same office,
same responsibilities.
Different salary.
You'll get there.
Don't worry.
Well, you look great.
Thank you. Thank you.
Scranton suits you.
Best decision I ever made.
You were let go.
You know, I love the beard.
Keep it forever.
MICHAEL: Hey.
JAN: Hey.
What is the actual
deal with these things
in terms of testicles?
What?
I don't want to grow
weird sperm in case we ever
want to have kids.
So what's Ryan doing here?
Oh, I don't know.
They're launching a
big new business plan,
new website...
Blah, blah, blah.
He's being a real twerp
about it, too.
It's all about
youth and agility
and streamlining
and trying to squeeze out
the older people.
He's such a snake.
Well...
I hope he gets hit
with an ageism suit.
What is that word?
Ageism?
Companies, they can't
discriminate against people
due to old age.
Like a couple of years ago,
we tried to force out some
of the older branch managers
with a mandatory
retirement age.
And then Ed Truck,
your old boss,
threatened us
with a lawsuit,
so we had to back off.
So older people have
just as many rights as
younger people?
Yes, Michael.
They do.
Creed?
Yes, sir.
Everything okay?
Everything's cool, dude.
I'm 30. Well,
in November, I'll be 30.
Is there another
meeting scheduled?
I was gonna do
the BlackBerry
tutorial in here.
Michael told us to
wait in here.
We don't know why.
Oh, man.
Good. We're all here.
We can get started.
Michael.
Have a seat.
We're not doing this today.
Have a seat like
everybody else.
Okay. This is...
It's still my office,
Ryan.
Well, there has been
a lot of talk about new
ideas today.
Well, new ideas are fine,
but they are also illegal
because they are
a form of ageism.
What? Yes. I am right.
Did you know that,
"The age discrimination in
employment act of 1967
"prohibits employment
discrimination based on age
with respect to employees
"40 years of age or older"?
I did.
Mmm. Technically, he's right.
Hey, shut up, Toby.
Look, why do we,
as a society,
hate old people so much?
Because they're lame.
No! Creed, no, they are not.
In fact, many cultures
revere old people
because of their
storytelling ability.
Like the old lady
from Titanic.
Or the funny things that
they can do, like,
"Where's the Beef?"
Yeah?
Why do you have
the Big picture up again?
You used that already
when you burned your foot.
Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.
I was going to put up
some new pictures,
but all of the ink
in the printer was gone.
PAM: Oh.
Michael Scott?
That is me. Come on in.
Who is this old fart?
Did you just stagger off
the street out of a box
or something?
Who's this worthless
bag of bones?
Well, this guy is none
other than one of the
founders of Dunder Mifflin,
Mr. Robert Dunder.
MICHAEL: Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Yes!
Hi, everyone.
Michael, can I talk to
you for a second?
Sure thing.
Excuse me.
We have actual work to do.
F'ine.
Then I will call
David Wallace and you
can explain to him
why you threw the founder
of the company out
on his ancient butt.
Bob, how old are you?
I'm 87.
87 years young.
And still active.
That is great.
Did you know that Bob
is still a member of the
board of Dunder Mifflin?
Well, I haven't been
to a board meeting in years.
I send a proxy.
Ah! Still sends
his own proxy.
Good for you.
I'm gonna live for
a very long time.
My Grandma Schrute
lived to be 101.
My Grandpa Manheim is 103,
and still puttering around
down in Argentina.
I tried to go visit him once,
but my travel visa
was protested by
the Shoah F'oundation.
I started this
company in 1949.
Wow.
Back then it was an
industrial supplier
of metal brackets,
mostly, for construction.
Oh, boy.
And then Mifflin,
of course he killed
himself later,
uh, but I knew Mifflin
through the Rotary Club.
Great.
DUNDER: (CHUCKLING)
And he was...
He was at dinner with Beverly
and her husband...
What was his name?
Jerry. Jerry Trupianno...
I don't know.
...from South Jersey
and he was tall.
Both he and Mifflin
were tall guys.
Great. That's great.
Thank you for coming in.
Robert Dunder, everybody.
Thank you. That was wonderful.
Do you have a ride?
Well, I came here
in a cab.
Perfect.
Could you get me that...
That's nice.
Inspirational.
What have we learned?
Well, we have learned
that you can't teach
an old dog new tricks,
because it's illegal.
And you will go to jail.
I think that I should
help him get home.
No. No, don't help him.
He doesn't need help, Pam.
What a nice guy.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Good night, guys.
Well, today was a
fantastic waste of time.
I disagree. I think it
was very valuable.
Michael, technology
helps business, okay?
You should not resist it.
This is the way
the world is moving.
I happen to think that
the old ways of doing
business are better.
And I can prove it.
Okay. I look forward to
hearing your ideas.
Where do you want to go?
I don't know,
someplace romantic
and expensive.
Kelly, come on.
You know what,
you're right.
I'm feeling kind of
nauseous, anyway.
So, you know, skip it.
DWIGHT: Are you enjoying
your vegetarian noodles?
Very much.
How's your meat?
Dry. Delicious.
I heard a joke today.
Oh, that's funny.
Yes, it was.
Are you enjoying
your mineral water?
I can't do this.
I can't be with you.
Every time I look in
your eyes I see Sprinkles'
stiff, lifeless body.
Then don't look in
my eyes. Look right here.
It's an old sales trick.
I'm sorry. I gave this
everything I could.
No, please don't
do this, monkey.
I will leave your
toothbrush on top of your
tire tomorrow morning.
Smell that.
Do you smell that?
Dry rot?
No, Dwight,
that smells like
good business to me.
What I have done here
is I have collected
all the finest gourmet items
that Scranton has to offer.
(CHUCKLING)
Sweet, chocolate turtles.
Yes. No, no, those
are for our clients.
Actually, our ex-clients.
I'll explain later.
Ryan wants everything
in our company to be
about emails and IMs,
but I think he
is forgetting about the
original instant message,
letters attached to
baskets of food.
Excuse me, Angela.
Michael asked me to
turn in these receipts
for these gift
basket items.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Is that all?
Yes.
I miss you.
Elevators.
Dwight, you have
to listen to me.
We are not seeing
each other anymore.
Can you accept that?
F'ine.
Then I just want to
be friends.
Good.
Plus a little extra.
Also, I love you.
(ANGELA SIGHS)
I don't understand
what the big deal is.
You don't?
No.
You lied about
being pregnant.
Right. So?
You really don't
understand why that might
make me kind of angry?
No.
We're never
getting back together.
Why not?
Hey.
Hey.
All right,
I just have to ask,
now that we're public,
is the magic gone?
It's funny you bring that up
because, yes, it is.
I knew it. Oh, man.
Just like that, huh?
I think, I mean,
I don't know
what it is, but...
Be honest.
I now find you repulsive.
That's honest.
(SIGHING)
All right. F'air enough.
It was really fun
while it lasted,
though, wasn't it?
(INDIF'F'ERENTLY) Yeah.
F'or me it was.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
Hey, boss,
I didn't know you were
coming in today.
What is going on here?
I am glad that you asked.
Listen up, everybody.
In the last year,
we have lost seven
clients to the big chains.
These gift baskets
are our ticket back
into their lives.
We are going to show up
at these businesses
unannounced and we are
going to win them back.
With gift baskets?
With peanut brittle,
with macadamia nut cookies,
with chocolate turtles,
with raspberry jam,
and a little bit of
fat and salt.
Because you know what?
That's what people like.
Ever since I was a kid,
people have been
telling me that
I can't do things.
"You can't be on the team.
"You can't move on
to second grade."
Well, now they're telling me
that I can't win back clients
using old-fashioned
business methods.
We'll see about that.
And F'YI, I eventually aced
second grade, and I was
the biggest kid in class.
Okay, we're gonna split up
into teams. Jim, Phyllis.
Stanley, Dwight. Me, Andy.
I'm not driving with him.
I'll go with you,
Stanley.
Or him.
Why don't we just go
by ourselves?
Why don't we just go
as teams to demonstrate
our teamsmanship?
PHYLLIS: Michael?
Yes.
This is stupid.
Well, that's... Okay.
That's not helpful, Phyllis.
How is giving people
gift baskets going to
get our clients back?
Gift baskets are
amazing, Phyllis.
Gift baskets are
the essence of class
and fanciness.
They are the ultimate
present that a person
can receive.
What about cash?
With cash you can buy
whatever you want,
including a gift basket.
So, it's kind of the
best gift ever.
What about a gift basket
full of cash?
Yes. Cash basket.
Nice work, Tuna.
F'ine. I'm just gonna
go by myself.
And I am going to win them
back by myself because
this is important to me.
Michael, wait.
Let me go.
No, this is my quest.
Please. Let me go.
I need to win
those clients back.
Please.
MICHAEL: F'ine.
Then Godspeed
to both of us.
Good luck, Michael.
We don't need luck.
DWIGHT: Yeah.
But thank you.
That was really nice
of you to say.
DWIGHT: Thank you.
Business to business,
the old-fashioned way,
no BlackBerries,
no websites.
I would like to see
a website deliver baskets
of food to people.
Yes, I understand that, David.
I just felt that if we
were to downsize Kelly
and then outsource
customer service to India,
which a lot of companies...
Yeah. No.
Yes, Kelly is Indian.
I understand that's confusing.
Hey, bro, I've been
meaning to ask you,
can we get some
Red Bull for these things?
Sometimes a guy's
got to ride the bull.
Am I right? Later, skater.
Sweet ride.
American-made.
What happened
to the Sebring?
It is in the body shop.
I had to have the dent
taken out of the hood
where I hit Meredith.
Oh, that's a pain
in the ass.
I know.
So, who's next?
Larry Meyers.
Left us six months ago
for Office Depot.
FEMALE VOICE: Proceed
to the highlighted route, then
route guidance will begin.
Why do you
use that thing?
It lets them
know where you
are at all times.
Who?
The government,
spy satellites,
private detectives,
ex-girlfriends.
(SOBBING)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
Next night, I'm out
at a bar, 2:00 a.m.
I figure I'll get a sandwich,
'cause you can
get a sandwich
any time of the night,
I run into Vince Vaughn.
No way.
Literally.
Dude, you are so money,
but you don't even
know it, but you do.
Later, guys.
Yeah.
Later, dude.
Later, man.
(SIGHS IN AMAZEMENT)
Jim, how awesome
is Ryan now?
Yeah. He's
definitely something.
What does that mean?
That whole lifestyle,
his whole vibe,
you find that appealing?
(SCOF'F'S)
Tuna.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Tuna, Tuna, Tuna.
Tuna, Tuna, Tuna.
He has a killer job.
He's rich.
He smells like what
I think Pierce Brosnan
probably smells like.
He wears really cool
rich-guy clothes.
And he can get
any girl that he wants.
So, I'm sorry, Tuna,
but if you don't know
why that's awesome,
then
you need awesome lessons.
Tuna, check you later.
'Cause he's so money
that he doesn't even know it.
Wow, those things
are heavy.
There's a lot
of stuff in there.
We have macadamia
nut cookies,
the honey mustard pretzels.
Have you ever
tried focaccia crisps?
You know
we closed our account
with you, right?
Yes. We do.
We're with
Office Depot now.
Yes.
Yes. Yes, we know.
But we just have not
gotten over you.
Well...
And we are dedicated to
providing you with the very
best customer service...
This is...
...the very best
personal business
relationship...
That's exactly right.
...we can if you
ever decide to
come back to us.
Okay. I don't think
we're coming back.
Please come back.
Okay, you know what?
Just enjoy
the gift basket
and remember that we provide
a personal touch.
Remember what we had,
Larry.
I mean, really,
it's about money.
Well, just enjoy
the gift basket.
Okay, thanks.
All right.
I mean, their website's
really easy to use, too.
That's a big deal for us.
That guy was so...
How can they not know
how much better we are?
I don't know.
Sometimes people
are just impossible
and they make
you miserable.
That is true.
Like Angela
in accounting.
Yes. She is nuts.
(GROANS)
No, she's wonderful
at accounting.
But she drives me crazy.
FEMALE VOICE:
Make the next right turn.
How do they know?
How does this know
where to turn?
That's very impressive.
Hey, Pam,
I haven't settled on
a final design logo yet
for Dunder Mifflin Infinity
and I know you're
into graphic design.
Do you want to
give it a shot? Maybe try
and design the logo.
Totally.
Cool.
That would be great.
Can you do a couple mock-ups
and I'll take a look?
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Cool.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm going to do
some mock-ups and then
turn those into thumbnails,
maybe do some
splash frames...
I don't know what
I'm talking about,
but I'm excited.
And the last guy says,
"No, hairy body."
You know,
I have heard it before.
Ah. Well, it's
still very good.
(MAN CHUCKLING)
I bet I know someone
who hasn't heard that joke,
your daughter Emily.
How's she doing?
She's great.
Thanks for asking.
Great memory, by the way.
Is she gonna be,
like, 11 this winter?
Wow. They grow up so fast.
I have a few of my own
that I want someday.
Listen, I don't want to take
any more of your time.
I know you're
a very busy man.
The reason we have
stopped by is
to drop you off
this elaborate bag
of goodies and to ask
you to reconsider.
(CHUCKLING) Okay.
Okay. Okay.
So you'll reconsider?
Okay, thanks for the goodies.
Ah.
Is that all
you have to say?
It looks delicious.
I don't know.
You don't know?
Look, we want you back.
Can you offer lower prices?
Well, no.
Well, then,
we're not coming back.
He's not coming back.
It's over, Michael.
No, it's not.
No, he's right.
No.
Accept it.
Why would he come back?
Why would he come back?
I will tell you, Dwight.
He would come back
because we offer a wide
selection of products,
and because you're definitely
not getting the same sort
of customer service
that you get with us,
are you?
That's not gonna
change his mind.
He's moving on.
We had our chance
and we killed it.
(SIGHS)
Look.
We're also coming out
with a website soon.
It's a
state-of-the-art thing.
It'll be up and running.
It's gonna cut costs,
and it will make ordering
much, much easier.
Okay. Well, when it's up,
I'll check it out,
and if it really cuts costs,
maybe we'll come back.
Great. The magic of
the gift basket.
That I don't care
about as much.
Let me know
when the site's up.
Okay. Good.
Don't let Emily have
any of the Cajun almonds.
She's allergic.
FEMALE VOICE:
Proceed straight.
Well, we're 0 for 6.
Last chance is the
Elmhurst Country Club.
Other side of the lake
on the southeast side.
(SIGHING)
I don't get it.
I really don't get it.
I thought this would work.
I threw everything I had
at that guy and nothing.
That's how it goes
sometimes, you know?
You lose everything
and everything falls apart
and eventually you die
and no one
remembers you.
That is a very
good point, Dwight.
FEMALE VOICE:
Make a right turn.
Wait, wait. No, no, no.
It means bear right.
No. It said right.
It said take a right.
Up there.
No, no, no, look.
It means go up
to the right, bear
right over the bridge
and hook up with 307.
FEMALE VOICE:
Make a right turn.
Maybe it's a shortcut,
Dwight.
It said go to the right.
It can't mean that.
There's a lake there!
I think it
knows where it is going.
This is the lake!
The machine knows!
This is the lake!
Stop yelling at me!
No!
Stop yelling!
There's no road here!
Remain calm.
I have trained for this.
Okay.
Exit the window! Here we go.
FEMALE VOICE:
Make a U-turn, if possible.
Look out for leeches!
Michael! Are you okay?
Swim for it!
I got you. I got you.
Oh, God.
Michael! Michael!
Let go. Let go of me.
Michael.
DWIGHT: I got you! I got you!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
You sure you're okay?
F'ine.
Good. That is what's
most important.
Did you get the
rental insurance?
Because that is pretty
important, too,
at a time like this.
What a disaster.
This whole thing.
I'll call a cab.
These people just don't
realize what a gift basket
means. They don't get it.
Look at that. Still works.
Old-fashioned cell phone.
Yeah. What about that
last guy, Aaron?
Boy, is he a jerk.
I don't even know
if I want it.
"Their website is so easy."
Yeah, well,
you can have your
technology, jackass.
Look where it got us.
Yes, we need a cab
at Lake Scranton
at the end of
East Mountain Road,
in the lake.
Hang up.
You know what
we're gonna do?
We're walking back.
We're walking back
to that office
and we're going to
reclaim our gift basket.
Yes.
We're going to take
what's rightfully ours.
We're gonna take
a stand, Dwight.
We're gonna take a stand!
Take a stand!
So it plays on the
infinity thing without being
obvious, you know?
RYAN: Yeah. Definitely.
I'd love to do like
a color version,
just bring a little
color to it.
I like it a lot.
It's clear and subtle
at the same time.
It's really good.
You have a real talent
for this stuff.
Thanks.
I'd love to talk to you
about it more.
That would be great.
Do you want to go
out to dinner tonight?
Oh, is it...
Wear something nice.
No.
What?
I just...
I'm sorry.
I just want to have dinner.
I'm dating Jim.
You're kidding.
We're together.
That's great. I...
That's awesome.
Yeah. Great.
So, let me...
Yeah.
Let me look at these.
Okay. Great.
Cool.
Great.
I guess he can't get
any girl he wants.
Did you forget something?
What happened to you guys?
Give it back.
The gift basket.
Give it back.
Oh, what is this?
It's real simple.
If you don't appreciate
what we do, then give us
back our basket.
Maybe you should leave.
Yeah. Maybe we should...
Maybe we should leave.
Come on, let's leave.
But before we leave,
my wet friend and I are
gonna wait for our cabs
on your nice couches.
Can you call us a cab, please?
I'm gonna... Sorry.
MICHAEL: My clothes
are so wet.
DWIGHT: Nice leather.
Oh, my shoes are so muddy.
All right, here you go.
Take it back.
It's been opened.
Yeah, it was mine.
What's missing?
The turtles.
Summer sausage.
Where are the turtles?
Where are the turtles?
Come on, guys,
get out of here.
Where are the turtles?
Where are they?
Excuse me,
I have an announcement
to make.
We seem to be
missing a box of chocolate
turtles with pecans
and we will not be
leaving the premises
until we obtain them.
Hand over the turtles now!
I ate them, okay?
I ate the turtles.
They're gone.
We'll bill you.
May I have your
attention, please?
This office will not be using
any new technology ever.
Starting now.
That is not correct.
Ryan thinks that
technology is the answer.
Well, guess what?
I just drove my car
into a lake.
You did what?
I drove my car
into a (BLEEP) lake.
Why, you may ask,
did I do this?
Well, because of a machine.
A machine told me
to drive into a lake.
And I did it.
I did it because I trusted
Ryan's precious technology.
And look where it got me.
Into a lake.
Exactly.
Did you get
any clients back?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Time will tell.
But I will tell you one thing,
those gift baskets
never endangered
anybody's lives.
Game, set, match.
Point. Scott. Game over.
End of game.
(BOTTLES RATTLING)
MICHAEL: Everyone always
wants new things.
Everybody likes new
inventions, new technology.
People will never be
replaced by machines.
In the end, life and business
are about human connections.
And computers are
about trying to
murder you in a lake.
And to me
the choice is easy.
I'm not saying
I had a meteoric rise,
but I did.
And if they knew
how much I was paying
for my haircut now,
they wouldn't be
giving me a noogie.
It was $200.
Hey.
I got you one.
Oh, wow. Thank you.
Yeah.
I'm just going to
grab some chips.
You want some?
No, thanks.
We're still having
lunch today, right?
I guess.
How dare you.
Hey, Toby, what's this?
"I just want to
remind everyone
about the company rules
"involving PDA,
or public displays
of affection"?
Yes. Some people
in the office have
complained...
Oh, really?
...about some other people
engaging in PDA,
and, you know, I just want
to remind that it's not
appropriate to do that.
Is this about me and Jan
in my office?
Because I will have
you know that that
was consensual.
What we did
has nothing to do
with you or anyone here.
I don't think anyone
heard anything.
We were very discreet
and most people had
left by that point.
Okay...
So I don't think
it's any of your business.
What I think you
should do is roll up
the memo real tight...
Okay, hey, look,
the memo was not
about you.
F'or the record, I have never
been involved with anyone
at work in any capacity.
All right, everyone.
Look. It...
All right, the complaint
was about Jim and Pam.
So...
No way.
What?
You guys are together?
Um...
Yep.
Yes, we are.
Wow!
Tuna!
Awesome!
I knew it.
MICHAEL: You guys!
To the two of you.
MICHAEL: Yes! Yes!
Toby, was this your
fun little way of
congratulating us?
Yes.
Okay, mind is exploding.
Get over here. Come on.
Come here. Okay.
Okay, stand up.
Okay, here we go.
Everyone, this is a day
that will live in infamy,
because today is the day
that Jim and Pam become one.
Actually we've been
dating for a couple
of months.
I love you guys so much.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Phone's ringing.
No, no, no,
Pam, let them ring.
Let the bells of
Dunder Mifflin chime
out your love,
because this is really good.
This is really good.
My heart soars
with the eagle's nest.
I don't see it.
I think they both
could do better.
It's not a surprise
to me. Pam is the
office mattress.
Jim Halpert's
off the market.
Guess who just became
the best-looking single
guy in the office?
Hey, can you make
that straighter?
That's what she said.
Did you plan that?
No.
"Can you make
that straighter?
"That job looks hard.
"You should put
your mouth on that."
How can you even use
that one naturally?
Blowing up balloons,
I thought.
PAM: "You might want
to trim it a little."
Michael...
Oh, is Ryan coming
back today?
Yeah, he is.
Oh.
Pam and Jim are together.
Ryan is visiting.
Only thing that could
make this day better
is ice cream.
What do you want?
To give you this.
What is that?
It's a feral barn cat.
I trapped him last night
and I'm giving him to you
as a replacement cat
for the one I destroyed.
Her name was Sprinkles.
And his name is Garbage.
Mose calls him Garbage,
'cause he likes to
eat garbage.
Don't you, Garbage?
(IMITATES CHEWING)
I can't believe you
just thought you could
replace Sprinkles.
Before she's even
in the ground.
You haven't buried her yet?
Don't rush me.
I'm grieving.
Garbage can be very
helpful, okay?
He's a useful cat.
He killed an entire family
of raccoons. Look at him.
I don't want Garbage.
I want Sprinkles.
(SIGHS)
(MEOWS)
Hey, Toby.
Hey, you two.
JIM: Hey.
So, now that
we are dating,
we just wanted to
know if we had to
sign one of those
"we're dating" things
for the company.
Oh, well, you know
those are only for,
you know, "relationships."
So if this is just
a casual thing,
there's no need.
Really.
Oh.
Well, I won't speak
for Jim, but it's, like,
pretty official.
Uh-huh.
Sorry, so do we need
to sign one or...
Let's just wait and
see what happens. Yeah.
What?
Let's just wait.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Great.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, Ryan, welcome back...
Hold on one second.
Hey, Pam,
it's great to see you.
Is Michael in?
Yeah.
MICHAEL: Hey. There
he is. There he is.
He's back
and he's with a beard.
(LAUGHING)
He has facial hair.
Look at him.
All grown up
and no place to go.
Hello, Mr. Sonny Crockett.
I'm Tubbs.
Okay. Should we get started?
Oh, yeah,
let's get started because...
Yes, 'cause this is
very serious business.
Yeah. Exactly.
This is a
business meeting.
Business meeting.
F'ire guy.
Stop that!
(LAUGHING)
That's right.
MICHAEL: That's right.
F'ire guy.
RYAN: Oh, you scared me.
He's the fire guy.
Don't start any fires.
(MAKING SOUND EF'F'ECTS)
F'ire guy.
You weren't here for that.
Here for what?
When he started the fire.
Look how big he is.
Look at you.
You are so mature and old
and little man now.
You're like our little man.
Okay...
Little old man-boy.
Michael, everybody...
With a beard.
KEVIN: Bearded man-boy.
MICHAEL: Wow!
Let me say something.
I know I used to be
a temp here,
but now everything
is different.
I'd like your respect.
I am your boss now.
You're gonna have to treat me
the same way you treated Jan.
Oh, wow.
So...
Mmm. That's a little kinky.
I don't swing that way.
Okay.
(LAUGHING) Woo!
I think Ryan has
a gay crush on me.
Enough! Okay?
This is inappropriate
and it stops right now.
Do you understand?
Yes.
Everybody, come on,
settle down.
Let's get serious here.
Ryan has a very
special important
presentation to do,
which we will be
doing in the conference
room in 10 minutes.
Perfect.
Sound good?
Okay. All right.
Yeah, Ryan snapped at me.
But there was this twinkle
in his eye that I picked
up on, which said,
"Dude, we're friends.
I'm doing this for
appearances.
"I am the big boss now,
"and I have to
seem like an ogre,
but you know me
"and you trust me
and we like each other,
"and we'll always be friends
and I would never take
you for granted
"in a million years.
"And I miss you, man,
and I love you."
His words.
Dunder Mifflin Infinity
represents a
floor-to-ceiling streamlining
of our business model.
The centerpiece
of the campaign
is a new business-to-business
website interface
that will allow us to
compete directly
with big-box chains.
Wait a second,
last time I checked,
Dunder Mifflin
already has a website.
And quite frankly,
I'm not really sure
what's wrong with it.
This is a
massive overhaul.
We're getting
younger, sleeker
and more agile with
the way that we adapt
to the marketplace.
All essential personnel
will be issued BlackBerries
for company use.
Oh, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme.
I'll stick around
for a while to help you
set them up afterwards.
Any questions? Dwight?
What if we don't want to use
a BlackBerry because they
are stupid and pointless?
This is company-wide, Dwight.
DWIGHT: Got it.
RYAN: Andy?
You should call it
Dunder Mifflinfinity.
You know,
push the words together.
Any other questions?
Kelly Kapour?
Can we speak privately
about our relationship?
Thank you, everybody.
Ryan Howard, everybody.
Good job.
That was some fun stuff.
When does the
website go up?
As fast as possible.
We want to start
retraining people ASAP
so we can hit the ground
running with the new system.
Cool beans.
We're screwed.
Who is?
Us. You and me.
The old-timers.
I am not old. You are old.
You are, like, 100.
You're over 40.
That's the cut-off.
Are you listening to
what he's saying?
"Retraining,"
"new system," "youth."
I'm telling you this kid
is the Grim Reaper.
You deal with this
or you, me, Sammy,
Phyllis, the chick you hit
with the car, we're goners.
I swore I wouldn't tell
anybody this, but
in the interest of
revealing secrets...
Oh, my God,
this is gonna make
your brain explode.
Dwight and Angela
dating.
Have been for six months.
No.
Swear to God.
Oh, this is great.
I was actually gonna wait
and tell you on your birthday,
but this is much more fun.
No, they have been dating
for, like, two years.
Since before your barbecue.
Wait, what?
You knew?
And you didn't
say anything?
You didn't say
anything to me.
F'air enough.
Wow. We should have
started dating, like,
a long time ago.
PHYLLIS: Oh, sorry...
Can you believe that?
I didn't know you guys
were in here.
Oh, no.
We're just sitting here.
I couldn't see your hands.
Hey, Pam, by the way,
it's great that you're dating.
But when a new client calls,
you just have to randomly
assign them to a salesperson.
You can't base who gets
new clients on who you're
sleeping with that week.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
And that is why
we waited so long
to tell people.
Okay, what's up?
Yeah, okay,
I was just...
After the presentation I just
wanted to make sure that
vis-à-vis me in the office,
everything is
business as usual?
Well, it is business,
but not as usual.
Yeah, no, I understand.
We're making great
strides, we're updating,
but business as usual, no?
No. We're throwing out
the entire playbook,
we're starting from scratch,
we're implementing
a brand new system.
Good. So we're
on the same page.
No, we're not.
(GRUNTS)
Michael, I know exactly how
much time and manpower
are wasted in this branch.
This company is
getting younger, faster
and more efficient.
You need to
prepare yourself.
We had a foreign exchange
student live with us
when I was young
and we called him
my brother and that's
what I thought he was.
And then he went home
to what is now
formerly Yugoslavia,
taking all of my
blue jeans with him.
And I had to spend
the entire winter in shorts.
That is what Ryan is like.
A fake brother
who steals your jeans.
So, how are you?
Awesome. I am dating
a lot of guys.
Good.
A lot.
Black guys, mostly.
Kelly.
(LOUDLY) What?
PHYLLIS: Wait...
How do you touch
just one of these
buttons at a time?
I don't know.
Did you even try?
If the kid wants to
set mine up, I'll let him.
I can't see half the things.
It's too little.
Use the phone.
KELLY: I want you to tell me
that you care about me.
That is what I want.
RYAN: Kelly, I'm your
boss now, okay?
You can't keep
talking to me like
I'm your boyfriend.
Oh, big strong man,
fancy new whatever.
I don't think you
ever cared about me.
I never cared about you?
Six months ago,
Karen F'ilippelli
sent me an email,
asked me out,
I said no,
because I was committed
to our relationship.
Well, I hope
you're still committed,
because I'm pregnant.
And guess what, buddy?
I am keeping it.
Okay. Okay.
Do you feel
prepared to help me
raise a baby?
I can't...
I can't talk about this
right now, okay?
After work,
we'll go out to dinner.
We'll talk about it
then, okay?
We have a date.
Hello.
Hello, Dwight.
I've been thinking
about things
and I wanted to know
if you would have dinner
with me tonight.
Really?
Yes.
I'll make a reservation.
No, no. Let me cook for you.
Cauliflower and noodles.
Baked potato on the side.
I would prefer a public place.
See you after work.
(SIGHS)
Hi, Pam.
Hi.
Is Michael in?
In his office.
You can go right in.
Okay.
Hey.
Jan.
Ryan. Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.
So, elephant in the room,
I have your old job.
Well, not exactly
my job. I mean, I had
a different title.
Oh, well, excuse me.
Same office,
same responsibilities.
Different salary.
You'll get there.
Don't worry.
Well, you look great.
Thank you. Thank you.
Scranton suits you.
Best decision I ever made.
You were let go.
You know, I love the beard.
Keep it forever.
MICHAEL: Hey.
JAN: Hey.
What is the actual
deal with these things
in terms of testicles?
What?
I don't want to grow
weird sperm in case we ever
want to have kids.
So what's Ryan doing here?
Oh, I don't know.
They're launching a
big new business plan,
new website...
Blah, blah, blah.
He's being a real twerp
about it, too.
It's all about
youth and agility
and streamlining
and trying to squeeze out
the older people.
He's such a snake.
Well...
I hope he gets hit
with an ageism suit.
What is that word?
Ageism?
Companies, they can't
discriminate against people
due to old age.
Like a couple of years ago,
we tried to force out some
of the older branch managers
with a mandatory
retirement age.
And then Ed Truck,
your old boss,
threatened us
with a lawsuit,
so we had to back off.
So older people have
just as many rights as
younger people?
Yes, Michael.
They do.
Creed?
Yes, sir.
Everything okay?
Everything's cool, dude.
I'm 30. Well,
in November, I'll be 30.
Is there another
meeting scheduled?
I was gonna do
the BlackBerry
tutorial in here.
Michael told us to
wait in here.
We don't know why.
Oh, man.
Good. We're all here.
We can get started.
Michael.
Have a seat.
We're not doing this today.
Have a seat like
everybody else.
Okay. This is...
It's still my office,
Ryan.
Well, there has been
a lot of talk about new
ideas today.
Well, new ideas are fine,
but they are also illegal
because they are
a form of ageism.
What? Yes. I am right.
Did you know that,
"The age discrimination in
employment act of 1967
"prohibits employment
discrimination based on age
with respect to employees
"40 years of age or older"?
I did.
Mmm. Technically, he's right.
Hey, shut up, Toby.
Look, why do we,
as a society,
hate old people so much?
Because they're lame.
No! Creed, no, they are not.
In fact, many cultures
revere old people
because of their
storytelling ability.
Like the old lady
from Titanic.
Or the funny things that
they can do, like,
"Where's the Beef?"
Yeah?
Why do you have
the Big picture up again?
You used that already
when you burned your foot.
Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too.
I was going to put up
some new pictures,
but all of the ink
in the printer was gone.
PAM: Oh.
Michael Scott?
That is me. Come on in.
Who is this old fart?
Did you just stagger off
the street out of a box
or something?
Who's this worthless
bag of bones?
Well, this guy is none
other than one of the
founders of Dunder Mifflin,
Mr. Robert Dunder.
MICHAEL: Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Yes!
Hi, everyone.
Michael, can I talk to
you for a second?
Sure thing.
Excuse me.
We have actual work to do.
F'ine.
Then I will call
David Wallace and you
can explain to him
why you threw the founder
of the company out
on his ancient butt.
Bob, how old are you?
I'm 87.
87 years young.
And still active.
That is great.
Did you know that Bob
is still a member of the
board of Dunder Mifflin?
Well, I haven't been
to a board meeting in years.
I send a proxy.
Ah! Still sends
his own proxy.
Good for you.
I'm gonna live for
a very long time.
My Grandma Schrute
lived to be 101.
My Grandpa Manheim is 103,
and still puttering around
down in Argentina.
I tried to go visit him once,
but my travel visa
was protested by
the Shoah F'oundation.
I started this
company in 1949.
Wow.
Back then it was an
industrial supplier
of metal brackets,
mostly, for construction.
Oh, boy.
And then Mifflin,
of course he killed
himself later,
uh, but I knew Mifflin
through the Rotary Club.
Great.
DUNDER: (CHUCKLING)
And he was...
He was at dinner with Beverly
and her husband...
What was his name?
Jerry. Jerry Trupianno...
I don't know.
...from South Jersey
and he was tall.
Both he and Mifflin
were tall guys.
Great. That's great.
Thank you for coming in.
Robert Dunder, everybody.
Thank you. That was wonderful.
Do you have a ride?
Well, I came here
in a cab.
Perfect.
Could you get me that...
That's nice.
Inspirational.
What have we learned?
Well, we have learned
that you can't teach
an old dog new tricks,
because it's illegal.
And you will go to jail.
I think that I should
help him get home.
No. No, don't help him.
He doesn't need help, Pam.
What a nice guy.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Good night, guys.
Well, today was a
fantastic waste of time.
I disagree. I think it
was very valuable.
Michael, technology
helps business, okay?
You should not resist it.
This is the way
the world is moving.
I happen to think that
the old ways of doing
business are better.
And I can prove it.
Okay. I look forward to
hearing your ideas.
Where do you want to go?
I don't know,
someplace romantic
and expensive.
Kelly, come on.
You know what,
you're right.
I'm feeling kind of
nauseous, anyway.
So, you know, skip it.
DWIGHT: Are you enjoying
your vegetarian noodles?
Very much.
How's your meat?
Dry. Delicious.
I heard a joke today.
Oh, that's funny.
Yes, it was.
Are you enjoying
your mineral water?
I can't do this.
I can't be with you.
Every time I look in
your eyes I see Sprinkles'
stiff, lifeless body.
Then don't look in
my eyes. Look right here.
It's an old sales trick.
I'm sorry. I gave this
everything I could.
No, please don't
do this, monkey.
I will leave your
toothbrush on top of your
tire tomorrow morning.
Smell that.
Do you smell that?
Dry rot?
No, Dwight,
that smells like
good business to me.
What I have done here
is I have collected
all the finest gourmet items
that Scranton has to offer.
(CHUCKLING)
Sweet, chocolate turtles.
Yes. No, no, those
are for our clients.
Actually, our ex-clients.
I'll explain later.
Ryan wants everything
in our company to be
about emails and IMs,
but I think he
is forgetting about the
original instant message,
letters attached to
baskets of food.
Excuse me, Angela.
Michael asked me to
turn in these receipts
for these gift
basket items.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Is that all?
Yes.
I miss you.
Elevators.
Dwight, you have
to listen to me.
We are not seeing
each other anymore.
Can you accept that?
F'ine.
Then I just want to
be friends.
Good.
Plus a little extra.
Also, I love you.
(ANGELA SIGHS)
I don't understand
what the big deal is.
You don't?
No.
You lied about
being pregnant.
Right. So?
You really don't
understand why that might
make me kind of angry?
No.
We're never
getting back together.
Why not?
Hey.
Hey.
All right,
I just have to ask,
now that we're public,
is the magic gone?
It's funny you bring that up
because, yes, it is.
I knew it. Oh, man.
Just like that, huh?
I think, I mean,
I don't know
what it is, but...
Be honest.
I now find you repulsive.
That's honest.
(SIGHING)
All right. F'air enough.
It was really fun
while it lasted,
though, wasn't it?
(INDIF'F'ERENTLY) Yeah.
F'or me it was.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
Hey, boss,
I didn't know you were
coming in today.
What is going on here?
I am glad that you asked.
Listen up, everybody.
In the last year,
we have lost seven
clients to the big chains.
These gift baskets
are our ticket back
into their lives.
We are going to show up
at these businesses
unannounced and we are
going to win them back.
With gift baskets?
With peanut brittle,
with macadamia nut cookies,
with chocolate turtles,
with raspberry jam,
and a little bit of
fat and salt.
Because you know what?
That's what people like.
Ever since I was a kid,
people have been
telling me that
I can't do things.
"You can't be on the team.
"You can't move on
to second grade."
Well, now they're telling me
that I can't win back clients
using old-fashioned
business methods.
We'll see about that.
And F'YI, I eventually aced
second grade, and I was
the biggest kid in class.
Okay, we're gonna split up
into teams. Jim, Phyllis.
Stanley, Dwight. Me, Andy.
I'm not driving with him.
I'll go with you,
Stanley.
Or him.
Why don't we just go
by ourselves?
Why don't we just go
as teams to demonstrate
our teamsmanship?
PHYLLIS: Michael?
Yes.
This is stupid.
Well, that's... Okay.
That's not helpful, Phyllis.
How is giving people
gift baskets going to
get our clients back?
Gift baskets are
amazing, Phyllis.
Gift baskets are
the essence of class
and fanciness.
They are the ultimate
present that a person
can receive.
What about cash?
With cash you can buy
whatever you want,
including a gift basket.
So, it's kind of the
best gift ever.
What about a gift basket
full of cash?
Yes. Cash basket.
Nice work, Tuna.
F'ine. I'm just gonna
go by myself.
And I am going to win them
back by myself because
this is important to me.
Michael, wait.
Let me go.
No, this is my quest.
Please. Let me go.
I need to win
those clients back.
Please.
MICHAEL: F'ine.
Then Godspeed
to both of us.
Good luck, Michael.
We don't need luck.
DWIGHT: Yeah.
But thank you.
That was really nice
of you to say.
DWIGHT: Thank you.
Business to business,
the old-fashioned way,
no BlackBerries,
no websites.
I would like to see
a website deliver baskets
of food to people.
Yes, I understand that, David.
I just felt that if we
were to downsize Kelly
and then outsource
customer service to India,
which a lot of companies...
Yeah. No.
Yes, Kelly is Indian.
I understand that's confusing.
Hey, bro, I've been
meaning to ask you,
can we get some
Red Bull for these things?
Sometimes a guy's
got to ride the bull.
Am I right? Later, skater.
Sweet ride.
American-made.
What happened
to the Sebring?
It is in the body shop.
I had to have the dent
taken out of the hood
where I hit Meredith.
Oh, that's a pain
in the ass.
I know.
So, who's next?
Larry Meyers.
Left us six months ago
for Office Depot.
FEMALE VOICE: Proceed
to the highlighted route, then
route guidance will begin.
Why do you
use that thing?
It lets them
know where you
are at all times.
Who?
The government,
spy satellites,
private detectives,
ex-girlfriends.
(SOBBING)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
Next night, I'm out
at a bar, 2:00 a.m.
I figure I'll get a sandwich,
'cause you can
get a sandwich
any time of the night,
I run into Vince Vaughn.
No way.
Literally.
Dude, you are so money,
but you don't even
know it, but you do.
Later, guys.
Yeah.
Later, dude.
Later, man.
(SIGHS IN AMAZEMENT)
Jim, how awesome
is Ryan now?
Yeah. He's
definitely something.
What does that mean?
That whole lifestyle,
his whole vibe,
you find that appealing?
(SCOF'F'S)
Tuna.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Tuna, Tuna, Tuna.
Tuna, Tuna, Tuna.
He has a killer job.
He's rich.
He smells like what
I think Pierce Brosnan
probably smells like.
He wears really cool
rich-guy clothes.
And he can get
any girl that he wants.
So, I'm sorry, Tuna,
but if you don't know
why that's awesome,
then
you need awesome lessons.
Tuna, check you later.
'Cause he's so money
that he doesn't even know it.
Wow, those things
are heavy.
There's a lot
of stuff in there.
We have macadamia
nut cookies,
the honey mustard pretzels.
Have you ever
tried focaccia crisps?
You know
we closed our account
with you, right?
Yes. We do.
We're with
Office Depot now.
Yes.
Yes. Yes, we know.
But we just have not
gotten over you.
Well...
And we are dedicated to
providing you with the very
best customer service...
This is...
...the very best
personal business
relationship...
That's exactly right.
...we can if you
ever decide to
come back to us.
Okay. I don't think
we're coming back.
Please come back.
Okay, you know what?
Just enjoy
the gift basket
and remember that we provide
a personal touch.
Remember what we had,
Larry.
I mean, really,
it's about money.
Well, just enjoy
the gift basket.
Okay, thanks.
All right.
I mean, their website's
really easy to use, too.
That's a big deal for us.
That guy was so...
How can they not know
how much better we are?
I don't know.
Sometimes people
are just impossible
and they make
you miserable.
That is true.
Like Angela
in accounting.
Yes. She is nuts.
(GROANS)
No, she's wonderful
at accounting.
But she drives me crazy.
FEMALE VOICE:
Make the next right turn.
How do they know?
How does this know
where to turn?
That's very impressive.
Hey, Pam,
I haven't settled on
a final design logo yet
for Dunder Mifflin Infinity
and I know you're
into graphic design.
Do you want to
give it a shot? Maybe try
and design the logo.
Totally.
Cool.
That would be great.
Can you do a couple mock-ups
and I'll take a look?
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Cool.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm going to do
some mock-ups and then
turn those into thumbnails,
maybe do some
splash frames...
I don't know what
I'm talking about,
but I'm excited.
And the last guy says,
"No, hairy body."
You know,
I have heard it before.
Ah. Well, it's
still very good.
(MAN CHUCKLING)
I bet I know someone
who hasn't heard that joke,
your daughter Emily.
How's she doing?
She's great.
Thanks for asking.
Great memory, by the way.
Is she gonna be,
like, 11 this winter?
Wow. They grow up so fast.
I have a few of my own
that I want someday.
Listen, I don't want to take
any more of your time.
I know you're
a very busy man.
The reason we have
stopped by is
to drop you off
this elaborate bag
of goodies and to ask
you to reconsider.
(CHUCKLING) Okay.
Okay. Okay.
So you'll reconsider?
Okay, thanks for the goodies.
Ah.
Is that all
you have to say?
It looks delicious.
I don't know.
You don't know?
Look, we want you back.
Can you offer lower prices?
Well, no.
Well, then,
we're not coming back.
He's not coming back.
It's over, Michael.
No, it's not.
No, he's right.
No.
Accept it.
Why would he come back?
Why would he come back?
I will tell you, Dwight.
He would come back
because we offer a wide
selection of products,
and because you're definitely
not getting the same sort
of customer service
that you get with us,
are you?
That's not gonna
change his mind.
He's moving on.
We had our chance
and we killed it.
(SIGHS)
Look.
We're also coming out
with a website soon.
It's a
state-of-the-art thing.
It'll be up and running.
It's gonna cut costs,
and it will make ordering
much, much easier.
Okay. Well, when it's up,
I'll check it out,
and if it really cuts costs,
maybe we'll come back.
Great. The magic of
the gift basket.
That I don't care
about as much.
Let me know
when the site's up.
Okay. Good.
Don't let Emily have
any of the Cajun almonds.
She's allergic.
FEMALE VOICE:
Proceed straight.
Well, we're 0 for 6.
Last chance is the
Elmhurst Country Club.
Other side of the lake
on the southeast side.
(SIGHING)
I don't get it.
I really don't get it.
I thought this would work.
I threw everything I had
at that guy and nothing.
That's how it goes
sometimes, you know?
You lose everything
and everything falls apart
and eventually you die
and no one
remembers you.
That is a very
good point, Dwight.
FEMALE VOICE:
Make a right turn.
Wait, wait. No, no, no.
It means bear right.
No. It said right.
It said take a right.
Up there.
No, no, no, look.
It means go up
to the right, bear
right over the bridge
and hook up with 307.
FEMALE VOICE:
Make a right turn.
Maybe it's a shortcut,
Dwight.
It said go to the right.
It can't mean that.
There's a lake there!
I think it
knows where it is going.
This is the lake!
The machine knows!
This is the lake!
Stop yelling at me!
No!
Stop yelling!
There's no road here!
Remain calm.
I have trained for this.
Okay.
Exit the window! Here we go.
FEMALE VOICE:
Make a U-turn, if possible.
Look out for leeches!
Michael! Are you okay?
Swim for it!
I got you. I got you.
Oh, God.
Michael! Michael!
Let go. Let go of me.
Michael.
DWIGHT: I got you! I got you!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
You sure you're okay?
F'ine.
Good. That is what's
most important.
Did you get the
rental insurance?
Because that is pretty
important, too,
at a time like this.
What a disaster.
This whole thing.
I'll call a cab.
These people just don't
realize what a gift basket
means. They don't get it.
Look at that. Still works.
Old-fashioned cell phone.
Yeah. What about that
last guy, Aaron?
Boy, is he a jerk.
I don't even know
if I want it.
"Their website is so easy."
Yeah, well,
you can have your
technology, jackass.
Look where it got us.
Yes, we need a cab
at Lake Scranton
at the end of
East Mountain Road,
in the lake.
Hang up.
You know what
we're gonna do?
We're walking back.
We're walking back
to that office
and we're going to
reclaim our gift basket.
Yes.
We're going to take
what's rightfully ours.
We're gonna take
a stand, Dwight.
We're gonna take a stand!
Take a stand!
So it plays on the
infinity thing without being
obvious, you know?
RYAN: Yeah. Definitely.
I'd love to do like
a color version,
just bring a little
color to it.
I like it a lot.
It's clear and subtle
at the same time.
It's really good.
You have a real talent
for this stuff.
Thanks.
I'd love to talk to you
about it more.
That would be great.
Do you want to go
out to dinner tonight?
Oh, is it...
Wear something nice.
No.
What?
I just...
I'm sorry.
I just want to have dinner.
I'm dating Jim.
You're kidding.
We're together.
That's great. I...
That's awesome.
Yeah. Great.
So, let me...
Yeah.
Let me look at these.
Okay. Great.
Cool.
Great.
I guess he can't get
any girl he wants.
Did you forget something?
What happened to you guys?
Give it back.
The gift basket.
Give it back.
Oh, what is this?
It's real simple.
If you don't appreciate
what we do, then give us
back our basket.
Maybe you should leave.
Yeah. Maybe we should...
Maybe we should leave.
Come on, let's leave.
But before we leave,
my wet friend and I are
gonna wait for our cabs
on your nice couches.
Can you call us a cab, please?
I'm gonna... Sorry.
MICHAEL: My clothes
are so wet.
DWIGHT: Nice leather.
Oh, my shoes are so muddy.
All right, here you go.
Take it back.
It's been opened.
Yeah, it was mine.
What's missing?
The turtles.
Summer sausage.
Where are the turtles?
Where are the turtles?
Come on, guys,
get out of here.
Where are the turtles?
Where are they?
Excuse me,
I have an announcement
to make.
We seem to be
missing a box of chocolate
turtles with pecans
and we will not be
leaving the premises
until we obtain them.
Hand over the turtles now!
I ate them, okay?
I ate the turtles.
They're gone.
We'll bill you.
May I have your
attention, please?
This office will not be using
any new technology ever.
Starting now.
That is not correct.
Ryan thinks that
technology is the answer.
Well, guess what?
I just drove my car
into a lake.
You did what?
I drove my car
into a (BLEEP) lake.
Why, you may ask,
did I do this?
Well, because of a machine.
A machine told me
to drive into a lake.
And I did it.
I did it because I trusted
Ryan's precious technology.
And look where it got me.
Into a lake.
Exactly.
Did you get
any clients back?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Time will tell.
But I will tell you one thing,
those gift baskets
never endangered
anybody's lives.
Game, set, match.
Point. Scott. Game over.
End of game.
(BOTTLES RATTLING)
MICHAEL: Everyone always
wants new things.
Everybody likes new
inventions, new technology.
People will never be
replaced by machines.
In the end, life and business
are about human connections.
And computers are
about trying to
murder you in a lake.
And to me
the choice is easy.
I'm not saying
I had a meteoric rise,
but I did.
And if they knew
how much I was paying
for my haircut now,
they wouldn't be
giving me a noogie.
It was $200.