The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 1 - Fun Run - full transcript

I really didn't think I was gonna
have a good time, but I did.

I totally did. I love camping.
Anything can happen.

Oh, it wasn't camping. It was
more of a wilderness retreat.

Morning.
Michael.

Ryan invited some of the branch
managers and Toby into the woods

for a get-to-know-you weekend.
Michael wasn't invited.

Apparently they already knew everything
they needed to know about him.

Did you sleep
in cabins?

Under the stars. It
was really beautiful.

You should come. Bob and I took
rock climbing lessons once.

Michael wasn't invited
on Ryan's camping trip.



Toby went,
but Michael didn't go.

He wasn't invited.

Who went? Me, Dan from
Buffalo, Mark Chisholm,

Jack from Albany, and Ryan, obviously.
We ate so many s'mores

I finally had to say, "No more s'mores.
No more s'mores."

Ryan invited me to go on his
wilderness adventure retreat.

It was this amazing,
beautiful...

Hey. Nobody cares.
Nobody cares.

I need that room at some
point, so just wrap it up.

Michael wasn't invited.

Hypothetically, if I were
to ask you to go camping.

And... Do you know
what "hypothetical" means?

Not real.
Got it.

So if I were to hypothetically
ask you to go camping with me,



would you go?
Absolutely. Yes.

When Michael plays the hypothetical
game, I always say yes.

Really?
Yeah.

Oh, do you want
to go today?

And I am always busy.

Oh, I can't go today
because I'm donating blood.

How often can you
actually donate blood?

Is there a limit?
I don't...

Your body only
has a certain amount.

Well. Is that it? Or...

Yeah. Just this whole
Toby camping thing.

I don't know, seems a little lame.
I mean... How so?

A bunch of guys
in a tent making s'mores.

What's that? Oh, I'm
on Broken Mountain.

Here's the thing. That's
not how you go camping.

I think you go camping
by yourself in the wilderness.

It's not with a group of guys frolicking
around in tents. It's one guy

or two guys, if your plans change.
They're not

I want to do it myself.
You know, I want to go

and find out something
about myself.

I want to get out of here. All the cliques
and the office politics, fluorescent lights.

And the asbestos.

I thought we had
that looked at.

I'm sick of it, Jim.
I'm sick of this place.

When Jan and I had satellite, we used to
watch a reality show called Survivorman.

And it was interesting because it
was about a guy who would go out

into the middle of nowhere
and just try not to die,

try not to get eaten
by an animal,

or be overexposed.

Okay, I will only need two things,
a roll of duct tape and a knife.

I'm on it. Okay. Thirty
minutes or less.

Please come back.

Save the receipts.
Hey, what...

Let's see if any of these will work.
Hey. Hey. Dwight. Dwight...

I keep various weaponry strategically
placed around the office.

I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper
spray I had Velcroed under my desk.

People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep
weapons in the home or the workplace."

Well, I say it's better to be hurt
by someone you know, accidentally,

than by a stranger on purpose.

Dwight and I are going out. He
will return later, but I will not.

I will also be taking
a personal day tomorrow

and perhaps the next day.

Do you want me to ask
where you're going?

No.

Great. Dwight will be driving me

deep into the Pennsylvania
wilderness. Oh.

Where he will
then leave me

to either die or to survive.
The choice is yours.

No. The choice is actually yours.
Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes. And I am leaving you in charge of
the office for the rest of the day,

and for the next several days.
Do not try to follow me.

Okay. Great. This is a very
personal, private experience

in the wild that I wish to
share with me, myself and I.

Yep.

When I return, I hope to be a
completely changed human being.

That'd be great.

Do I believe that Michael
possesses the skills

to survive in
a hostile environment?

Let's put it this way.
No, I do not.

This is what a true
Survivorman does.

You simulate a disaster,
like a plane wreck.

You can only wear the
clothes that you have on,

and you can only use the stuff
that you have in your pockets.

Now in this case, this
disaster is a serial killer,

creepy guy who's abducted me, and is
taking me out into the wilderness

to leave me for dead. No. I
would never leave you for dead.

You would never escape. Well, yes, I would.
And I would survive.

I would make sure that
you were dead. No.

Then I would remove your teeth
and cut off your fingertips

so you could not be identified.
You...

And they would call me
the Overkill Killer.

You are as creepy as a real
serial killer, for real. Okay...

What are you doing? I am putting
this on so I have no familiarity

with my surroundings.

Now this way I can't
retrace my steps.

I don't know what streets we...
Ow! What are you doing?

It would be better if you
were unconscious. No.

Here... God. Dwight, stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.

Do you want to do
this right or not?

Just please allow me to have one
cathartic experience in my life.

Jim, we need to order a
cake for Creed's birthday.

Oh, wasn't it just
someone's birthday?

Yes. Kelly's was
last week, remember?

I do remember, yeah.
It's birthday month.

Creed's is today, Oscar's is week after next,
Meredith's is at the end of the month.

Michael usually goes with
red and white streamers...

You know what? I have an idea. Why don't
we just do one big, shared party?

What?

There are 13 people working in
this office, so 13 times a year,

Michael gets a cake
and balloons

and some sort of joke gift
and makes a toast.

And there are two types of toasts. One
is a joke about how old you are...

Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack.
Not crack the drug.

And the other is something
inappropriate or horrible or both.

What else? He only sings the
high harmony to Happy Birthday.

And he is a very big believer
in surprise parties.

Maybe even, arguably,
possibly to a fault.

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

So I think, yeah, I think getting these
out of the way might be productive.

Yeah.

We can just have one big, fun party.
And everybody's happy

and nobody
wastes their time.

I don't like it.

Wow. You're shaking
things up a bit, huh?

It's a pretty good idea,
don't you think?

Do you think it's a good idea? No.
I think it's a great idea.

Hmm.

We're here.

Dwight will take my blindfold off
when we are deep in the forest.

Just the two of us
from this point out.

Here we go.
Just the two of us.

Here we go into the wild,
to the mighty forest.

Can you smell the trees
and the nature?

Keep going.
You're fine.

Just some bushes
and some thickets.

Keep going.

You wanted wilderness.
You got it.

You know, try sending
them another invoice.

Okay.
All right.

Oh, did you see my memo,
by the way?

"Let's be honest,
as fun as birthdays are,

"we all can use a break
from the constant cakes.

"So let's celebrate birthday
month in style today."

This is really cool.

Right? I was
just thinking...

No. Totally.
Totally.

This way we get it all out of the way
at once and it could actually be fun.

Right. Exactly.

I knew I could
count on you.

As good a spot as any.

What are you doing?
Stop it.

Dwight, just stop it.
I'm just...

Spin. I'm trying to confuse
your sense of direction.

Behold.

All right, good.
Thank you, Dwight.

Here's your knife.
Thank you.

And here's your duct tape.
Good.

All right.
Very good.

Okay. Yeah.

Good luck, Michael.
Thanks for the ride.

Okay.

Leave me be, Dwight.

Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?
What's that?

I really prefer
Devil's F'ood Cake.

Oh, sure.

Yes.
Okay.

Awesome.

Wow.
That was easy.

Yeah. People like me,
I guess.

Jim.

I hate Devil's F'ood. Well,
I think Meredith was...

Screw Meredith.
I don't think it's fair

to let someone else pick
the cake on my birthday.

Everybody's birthday. Today
is actually my birthday

and I want to pick the cake.
What do you want?

I want pie. I want peach pie.
You want birthday pie?

I want a nice cobbler.

I'll talk to Angela and we're going
to see what we can do about a pie.

I don't care who you talk to.
Just make it happen.

It'll be Angela. You
tell her it's for Creed.

She'll know
what that means.

Day one. I'm in the interior of
the vast Pennsylvania wilderness.

I have brought with me
only the bare essentials,

a knife,
a roll of duct tape

in case I need to fashion a shelter
or make some sort of water vessel.

It's hot today. The sun is in the
two-thirds easterly quadrant,

which would make it about 2:00
in the afternoon.

Really beating down
on me now.

I think that I want to get
a little more comfortable

because the sun is
depleting my resources.

Okay. There we go.

Watch that I don't hit
my carotid artery here.

I lied to Michael. I said that I would
leave him alone, but I will not.

I will remain close by to
provide unseen moral support.

But I will never help him.

I will let harm befall him.
I will even let him die.

But I will never let him
lose his dignity.

There we go.
Much better.

Now everything I brought
with me can be used.

My sport coat here

can be fashioned
into a backpack of sorts.

I'm going to wear what was
once one of my pant legs.

See, this is a beautiful
piece of material.

This can be used for all sorts
of things, some sort of kerchief

to keep my neck
nice and comfortable.

Jimbo.
Andy.

Me likey the ice cream cake, okay?
F'udgie the Whale.

Not your birthday. Well,
I'm just saying, you know,

if you want to make
people happy, namely me,

you will have
a F'udgie the Whale.

All right. I'll look into
it, but the answer's no.

Well, okay. Harsh.

Just don't expect me
to show up.

Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make.
Loud and clear.

All right.

Pizza rolls. Okay, I'm going
to go into this office here

to do some work
so I will be in here.

Mushroom caps.

I am totally alone right now
with only my thoughts.

I love it. I'm loving it.

I can literally say anything I want.
No one is going to hear me.

Wish I could have gone with
Ryan on that cool retreat.

Jan has plastic boobs.

I have hemorrhoids.

Doesn't even matter.

Michael's a man of great
depth and passion.

I don't know what he's
searching for out here.

But I hope he finds it.

Lunch.

Well. It is a little chillier
than I had thought.

So I have fashioned my hat
back into my pants.

Several hours in, it's time for
me to find some nourishment.

Now these woods are full of creatures
that can sustain human life.

Things like squirrels,

a nice, juicy rabbit
would be delicious.

About two more minutes.

I have made this spear with
which I will impale my dinner.

And that couldn't come
a moment too soon,

because I have been
without food for a good

three hours or so.

Starting to feel it
a little bit.

It's Creed's birthday today.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Creed

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, buddy.

What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday.
So what if there's a lot of them?

Yeah. I work hard all day. I like knowing
that there's going to be a break.

Most days I just sit
and wait for the break.

I took an extra shot of insulin in
preparation for this cake today.

If I don't have some
cake soon, I might die.

Why don't you just
have an apple?

Why don't you
mind your business?

Listen,
I figured this out.

Jimmy had his birthday three
weeks ago so he doesn't care.

I think the power went to his head.
Yeah.

Hey, Jim.
Hey, guys.

What are we talking about?
Nothing. Nothing going on.

We're talking about nothing.
Come on, gang.

Well, if you take a look at
this, I tented my pants.

I've made myself
a nice pants tent shelter.

And this little guy may be
Dunder Mifflin paper some day.

Nothing to worry about.
Just using the scope.

Safety is on.

Hey, Jim.

Toby.

Hey, I just got the word
on the communal birthdays.

Oh.
Great idea.

Oh, thanks, man.
Yeah.

Is there anything
I can...

My birthday
was two months ago.

Oh, okay.

There was no party.

What? Well, there was but
Michael scheduled it for

4:58 on a F'riday. People
sang in the parking lot.

I remember that.

I don't know, I just
thought maybe you

could include me.
Seriously?

I just thought you could add me in. I
don't know what the harm in that is.

Toby's great. He's great. But sometimes
he can be a little bit much.

"I don't see the harm in that." Well,
it's a cake, Toby, so come on.

Okay, yeah, you know what, we're
just going to throw you in

because the more,
the merrier, right?

No. No way.
I am not a machine, Jim.

You can't just change plans willy-nilly
and expect these little magic party elves

to do your bidding.
We already have Devil's F'ood,

peach cobbler, F'udgie the
Whale, mushroom caps...

I'm allergic to mushrooms.

That's a bummer. Okay.

Then we need to...

Hey, everybody. Hi, how are you doing?
Could I have your attention, please?

'Cause we have to talk
about this birthday thing.

Conference room? Yes. Conference room.
F'ive minutes.

No. No. We're going
to solve it right here.

We're going to actually
talk about it out here.

So who has problems
with the birthday thing?

One, two, three, everybody. Okay,
so then we just shouldn't do it.

What am I supposed to do
with two cakes and a pie?

I'll take them. Well,
nobody's touching my cobbler.

Hey, Michael.
I mean Jim.

Yeah. Phyllis
called me Michael.

And I will always and forever
be haunted by that fact.

Under this tree, I think I
struck the mother lode.

Those are nature's
best mushrooms.

Wild, and I have to say, these little
buggers are damn tasty as well.

Stop. No. No, Michael.

No. No. No.

Get them out.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday,
dear Creed

Happy birthday to you

Yeah. All right.

Skip around the room. Skip
around the room. We won't...

Okay, all right, yikes. Don't do that.
You're going to break something.

Man became civilized for a reason. He
decided that he liked to have warmth

and clothing
and television,

and hamburgers,
and to walk upright,

and to have a soft futon
at the end of the day.

He didn't want to have
to struggle to survive.

I don't need the woods.
I have a nice wood desk.

I don't need fresh air

because I have the
freshest air around, AC.

And I don't need
wide open spaces.

Check it out.

I can also
make it the sky.

Hi, buddy.
Hey.

What's up?

I'm sure glad
you're back.

You are relieved.

You have no idea.

So what did I miss?

Well, I tried to put all the
birthdays together at once.

Oh.
So, terrible idea.

Yeah. Okay, I did that.
Rookie mistake.

You did do it?
Yeah. Just wait.

Ten years,
you'll figure it out.

Well, I don't think I'll be
here in ten years, but...

That's what I said.

That's what
she said.

That's what who said?

I never know.

But I just say it. I say
stuff like that, you know,

to lighten the tension when
things sort of get hard.

That's what she said.

Hey. Nice.

Really good.

Bravo, my young ward.