The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 13 - Job Fair - full transcript

This is ridiculous.
Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here?
Nobody likes to work late, least of all me.
Do you have plans tonight?
No, I don't.
Remember when you told us not to make plans, 'cause we were working?
Yes, I remember.
Hmm.
This is BS. This is BS. Why are we here?
I am gonna call corporate. Enough is enough. I'm...
God, I'm so mad! This is Michael Scott, Scranton.
Well, we don't want to work. No, we don't!
It's not fair to these people!
These people are my friends, and I care about them!
We're not gonna do it!
Everybody, I just got off the horn with corporate,
and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment.
Go enjoy your F'riday. Thank you, Michael.
All right.
All right. Happy F'riday.
Well, I think we dodged a bullet, there. I think you did.
I think we should celebrate.
How about you, Pam, mi casa. A little dinner, dancing, drinks?
Oh, I... You said you didn't have plans.
That's what you said.
Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least nine times.
And every time, we've been able to get out of it.
But I've got to give him credit. He got me.
Because I'm starting to suspect
that there was no assignment from corporate.
Michael, what time should I be arriving?
Dwight, it's couples only.
And besides, I only have six wine glasses. So it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim.
And Angela and Andy.
Hey, oh!
Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party?
- Hi. - Hello.
How are you? Come on in.
Good to see you. Chilly, huh?
I'm so glad we finally...
F'inally got to do this with you guys.
This is great.
You want to take their coats, babe?
Yes, I would. Okay.
All right. So, what have you been doing?
Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago? Yeah!
I have been getting ready, and then driving over here.
Well, we've been doing pretty much the same thing.
Really? Except driving.
We got you this.
Pam!
Thank you. That's so nice. Thanks.
This will be great to cook with. Really.
Well, have a seat, or come on in, or...
I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa.
- It's really nice. - It's great.
So, what do you guys think? Should we do the tour first,
should we have appetizers first?
Tour. Let's do the tour first. Okay.
You have a preference, babe? Upstairs first?
Totally your call, babe. All right, well, let's go, then.
All right. I say upstairs.
You guys doing a little construction?
Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door.
Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet. We are still a work in progress, here.
This is my office.
Yup. Never been used.
Not super-exciting. No.
And this is my work space. This is it.
Check that out. You smell that?
Uh-huh.
As you can smell, there's a lot of different odors going on in here.
So you have an office and a work space.
I do, you know. I just... I cannot create in the same space
that I conduct business. I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles.
Smell.
It's fire. Bonfire.
Bond! Men love this one.
James Bond-fire! "I am Bond-fire... James Bond-fire."
Michael Scott!
When I get frustrated, or irritated or...
Angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles!
And it just... Poof! Goes away.
Just like that. Just like that.
So this is the master bedroom.
And these walls, they used to be, like, white, like an asylum.
So I wanted it to be softer, so I had it painted an eggshell white.
Guess what? White and eggshell white are exactly the same color.
Babe... Exactly.
I thought you said that you were gonna tidy things up.
Well, I...
Shame on you.
What a cute bench.
Thanks. That's my bed.
Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy.
Really? 'Cause... It seems pretty narrow and short.
It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this!
See? He fits perfectly.
I finally
broke down and bought myself
a plasma TV.
Check it out. I actually hung this on the wall myself.
That's good. I want to show you something.
A lot of people in the room, you need more space...
Voilà. Right into the wall.
Wow!
Sometimes, I will just
stand here and watch television for hours. I love it.
I love this TV. And I also built this table.
What is that, chestnut?
No, I think that is either pine or Nordic cherry.
It's pine. Yeah.
Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, he tried to set up my TiVo for me, but then I didn't have audio for a week.
If you ever need any help, I'm just a phone call away.
I bet you are.
Well, I saw...
Oh, your Dundies.
I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see.
Well, it was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies.
So I said, "Honey, keep the trophies."
Oh, honey, I have the best trophy right here. Aside from my Dundies.
Oh, excuse us for just a second. I'll get it.
So glad we were finally able to do this.
So glad we... No. No.
Okay. Tuna!
What's up, Tuna? We gonna have some tuna for dinner?
I bet you're sick of tuna, right? You probably have tuna every night.
All right. Tuna.
These are for you. Oh, how thoughtful.
Very nice. Except for one flower,
which is for my flower.
Aw.
What am I supposed to do with this?
Well, how about we do the short tour, and then I'll start dinner?
Oh, I can help starting dinner, if you need it.
Oh no, no, no, it's just the Osso Buco, needs to braise for about three hours.
Everything else is done.
Three hours from now, or three hours from earlier, like 4:00?
You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight.
When in Rome.
You have a preference? Upstairs first?
Whatever you say, babe.
F'ollow me.
All right.
How about a toast? Shall I? Here's to good friends.
Cheers. Cheers.
Mmm.
A sort of an oaky afterbirth.
What was that?
Music? Should we turn some music on?
That sounds good.
Do you guys remember my old assistant, Hunter?
He is an excellent songwriter. Wait until you hear this. Okay, here we go.
You know what? Hunter was a terrible assistant.
That is why Ryan fired him.
Well, I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam,
being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me.
Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes.
I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat.
Which I realize is a lot to ask for
at a dinner party.
Cow. No, it's a hump, there's a hump.
Joe Camel! Joe Camel! Yes!
Okay, yes. F'irst name of that animal,
and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital.
Montana. Joe Montana?
Yes! Yes!
Time's up! All right, two pieces!
Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback?
All right, my... my... my... my turn! My... my... my... my turn!
My... my... my... my turn!
Babe, can you just, like, really... What?
You're just, like, really...
What? What?
Could you just simmer down? Seriously.
I'm just making people laugh. No.
Yes, I was watching Jim's face. I was watching Jim.
And he was laughing.
No smile.
Look at him. He's laughing.
Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game.
And it's called, "Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests."
And they're both winning. So I am going to make a run for it.
You'll never guess. I just got a message from my landlord.
Apparently, my apartment flooded.
Something with the sprinkler. Oh, no!
Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage.
Oh! Okay.
Well, you don't need two of you to do that.
That's true...
Dinner sounded delicious.
Pam, I'll see you at home. Thank you so much.
Oh, Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here, all by itself.
I don't know, because everything I own is there.
You can buy new stuff, but you can't buy a new party.
That's true. That is a great point. Come on down here.
Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends,
and we're not gonna think about all your stuff being destroyed. All right?
Michael, you're up.
Here we go. This is gonna be fun.
- Ready... - Go!
All right. F'irst name is Tom.
No, no, no. No names. No names, no rhyming, no sound-alikes.
All right, okay. Okay. You're getting into my head!
F'irst name is blank, and he goes on a cruise.
He goes on a Caribbean cruise.
I don't know. Katie Holmes.
No, but he's married to her! Oh, Dawson's Creek.
No, it has to be a real person, Jim. Come on!
No, no, I'm gonna pass. I'm gonna pass.
Okay!
Rhymes with Parnold Sportsanegger. No rhyming!
Not really a rhyme.
Another clue! Another clue!
Okay, he's the governor of California.
He is the Terminator.
Those aren't helpful. Tom Cruise!
No! Time!
God! Does anybody read the paper?
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here.
The sliding glass door shattered.
So... It's okay.
It's actually a really cute story.
Do you want to tell it, babe, or should I tell it?
I don't like that story, babe.
Come on!
It's a cute story... Michael ran through the sliding glass door
because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.
Stop. Stop it!
I mean, I like ice cream, okay? Sue me.
Oh, no, don't.
I shouldn't say that jokingly, because she will sue me.
She loves to sue. She loves lawsuits.
You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.
You are so right. You are so right!
Because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges.
And I moved in and I cleaned it, so I guess that makes me the devil.
You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell!
I'm burning. Help me!
You shouldn't joke about that.
Is there more wine in the kitchen?
No, I will get it. I will get it.
What kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get my wine?
It's okay, I don't mind. No, no, no. In fact, you know what?
Girls' trip. Angela, come on. Girls' trip.
Oh, not even close.
So, you keep a very tidy house.
You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath.
But I don't have to tell you, Pam.
Oh, yeah...
What?
Oh, don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated.
Oh, are you joking?
No, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him.
I have never, ever dated
or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever.
Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever.
I've noticed how you look at him at the office.
Mmm-hmm.
So, I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand.
So, Jim, I noticed you checking out Jan's candles.
Oh, no, she just put it in front of my face.
Yeah, did you know that candles
are the number-one fastest-growing product in the scent-aroma market?
$2 billion a year industry. And for only $10,000,
you could become a co-owner of "Serenity by Jan."
What do you think about that? Thought about it. I'm in.
I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company?
I'm sorry.
What now?
Coming.
Hello.
What are you doing here?
We came here to eat dinner and to party. This is a dinner party, right?
Awesome! What is he doing here?
Yes, what are you doing here?
Dwight is my friend.
We weren't invited?
You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple,
and because we didn't have enough wine glasses.
Dwight brought glasses and a person.
F'ine. Whatever you want.
Just like always. Whatever you want.
Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want.
It's fine, Michael. When I wanted to see Stomp
and you wanted to see Wicked,
what did we see? We saw Wicked...
When I said that I wanted to have kids,
and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do?
And then, when you said that you might want to have kids,
and I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed?
And then when you said you definitely didn't want to have kids?
Who had it reversed back?
Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap!
I did! Okay...
You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!
And I bought this condo
to fill with children.
I am so sorry
that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world.
Okay? But look... I'm sorry, too.
- If you want to have kids, then fine, you win. - Let's have a kid!
Do you mean it? You want to have a kid?
I hate my life.
So, can we come in?
Mmm.
Great turkey leg.
Okay, I'm just gonna check on dinner.
Angela, would you like some of my beet salad?
I hate beet salad.
It's actually really good.
Hey, hey, hey.
I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times.
The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit.
Pam...
I hope she didn't do anything to the food.
Like what?
I can't prove it,
but I think she might be trying to poison me.
Hey, looks great, babe.
Yeah, it really does.
I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that.
But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table,
wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover.
Can you not do that? It's disgusting.
You know I have soft teeth. How could you say that?
Oops.
Excuse me for a second.
So, how do you guys know each other?
I was his babysitter.
And now you guys are dating?
Purely carnal, that's all you need to know.
Would you write down your e-mail? Because I have, just,
so many questions. E-mail?
Never mind. Okay.
All right. There we go.
There.
Okay.
That's nice. Everybody enjoying their meal?
- Hey, babe. - Yeah.
How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave,
and then we can discuss it?
No, no. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together.
Okay.
Jan thinks Hunter's very talented.
You know what? I don't think he's that good.
At least he's an artist.
BF'D, I'm a screenwriter.
And I'm a candle maker, but you don't hear me bragging about it!
No, all you do is you get me to try to work on my rich friends.
F'or an investment opportunity!
Man, I would love to burn your candles!
You burn it, you buy it!
Oh, good, I'll be your first customer!
You're hardly my first.
That's what she said!
That is a $200 plasma screen TV that you just killed!
Good luck paying me back
on your zero-dollars-a-year salary plus benefits, babe!
I'm gonna get going.
F'ine, get out of here.
It's getting late. We should...
You know what, you guys? She'll be out of the bathroom soon.
Of course.
Get out of my way. I'll take care of this.
Okay, what seems to be the problem, Officers?
Not now, Dwight. We got a call about a disturbance.
No. Nope. Nothing disturbing here.
Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party.
Your neighbors say they heard some shouting.
Yes, there was screaming, but...
My girlfriend threw a Dundie at my TV, plasma.
You want to press charges?
Would she get into trouble?
Yeah, she'd be charged.
I will take the fall. I did it.
You know, you don't have to press charges. You could just try to be more quiet.
Michael! Yes.
Wait, what are you doing to him?
Sir, do you have any other place you could stay?
Maybe with one of your friends, here?
Michael can come home with me.
Jim, Pam?
Oh, my apartment's on fire.
F'looded. F'looded.
You people!
Come on, you're sleeping with me. No.
I'm gonna take you home, Michael. No.
All right.
Bye, babe!
This is the best burger I've ever had, babe.
Babe, I should have told you, but... I did something bad.
I stole this. F'or you, babe.
One night
I love that.