The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 14 - Goodbye, Toby - full transcript

W.B. Jones is renovating their offices, and their construction crews
are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there.
Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street.
Tell them what we saw today, Jim.
Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Nature.
I've been here nine years,
now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.
I will quit.
As God is my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.
Some of us like the walk more than others.
It hurts like hell.
Did you pick a new chair? It's been a while.
Pam, when I first opened this catalogue,
I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair.
But instead you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.
Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago.
And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one.
It's way better. It's one of these.
I really want it.
Have you ever seen this woman?
Her?
The one in the really great mesh, black, high-back swivel chair?
Look at her smile. It's the eyes. Look at her eyes. She's got...
I don't know what it is, exactly. She dresses like a professional,
and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.
Or in a great chair.
Yeah, maybe, but...
Remember, after my dinner party, when I said that I was swearing off women?
I definitely remember your dinner party.
I think what I meant was that I am completely swearing off one woman.
Jan.
I think that fate put this catalogue in my hands.
Actually, I put the catalogue in your hand, 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.
What is it like being single? I like it. I like
starting each day with a sense of possibility.
And I'm optimistic,
because every day I get a little more desperate,
and kindly turn to Page 85?
Yo, is this his new chair?
No, he hasn't picked one yet.
God!
When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair.
Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.
I am ready to start dating again. I'm getting back on the market.
So, F'YI, for those of you who're thinking about fixing me up
with any of your friends,
use the woman on Page 85
as a template.
That will be all.
I left my cell phone in my car.
Call us when you get there, so we know you're okay.
Listen, man, I am completely over Jan.
So, would you set me up?
If I had somebody to set you up with, Michael, then I'd take her for myself.
I thought you were engaged.
Nope. Stacy broke up with me.
What? God, that's terrible, man.
She's crazy.
Are you still on good terms with any of her friends?
Not anymore. It's a bitter situation.
She's... You don't deserve her.
All right.
Hello, Oscar Mayer Weiner lover.
I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl-type friends
who trust you implicitly,
because they know you'd never touch 'em because of your condition.
Michael? What?
I have a friend who's single. Oh.
Sandy.
She's gorgeous, and she's got a feisty personality, too.
F'eisty? So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?
No, she's a professional softball player.
Catcher or infield?
I don't know, Michael.
Is she a dress-wearer or a pants-wearer?
Could we share a rowboat? Could a rowboat support her?
What are you asking?
I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking.
Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing?
It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
No, all right? No, she can't fit in a rowboat.
Damn it! I knew it! I knew it, Phyllis! Okay.
What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them,
and they're just hanging me out to dry.
Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me,
but it is, and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me.
Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it?
Well, fine. Here goes.
I don't think that this is... Now, okay,
I know that this is probably not appropriate.
But I need help.
Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old.
And before that happens, I need to get laid.
And before that happens, I need to be in love.
And I don't wanna hear, "I don't know, I can't help..."
No, no. I am a catch, and I am not going to be
the one who got away.
So this is what we're going to do.
Dwight is going to hand out index cards, and I want you all to write down the name
of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day.
No, by the end of the hour, or you are fired.
Write legibly, people.
Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot.
It's, like, a ten-minute walk. No, 30.
Well, look, I have an assigned parking place in front, so...
All right, all right, all right.
Let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one.
Okay, yes, that would be bad. Yes!
That would be bad. Okay, so...
Help us out. Wish I could, but I can't.
Well, can, but won't.
Should, maybe, but, shorn't.
Michael, please...
What part of "shorn't" don't you understand, Kevin?
Look, I could probably handle it, yes, but...
I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves.
We won't let you down. You can't, because I don't care.
Listen! Don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards.
There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend, anyway.
He can just deal with it.
Who are you putting down?
Oh, you don't know her.
Who is it? Your mom.
Yeah, whatever.
Give that to me! Give that to me.
Okay, Wendy.
Hot and juicy redhead.
Let's give this a try.
Wendy's.
Hello, Wendy.
This is Kevin's friend, Michael.
This isn't Wendy.
I'm sorry. Could you put her on, please?
Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.
Damn it, Kevin. Okay...
Um...
Could I just have a F'rosty and a baked potato, please?
You have to come to the restaurant to order food.
Well, I'll send somebody to pick it up, just have it ready.
It's ready now.
Well, put it aside.
Um...
I've collected the rest of the ladies.
Good, good.
Because this batch was awful.
This one says "chair model"?
I wrote that.
Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you.
I will find her, and I will bring her to you.
And as God is my witness, she shall bear your fruit.
That sounds good. Go get her.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
F'irst, go to Wendy's, get my food, come back, and then go.
That is fantastic.
Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed.
The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency.
They gave me the name of the photographer.
The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency.
The agency gave me the following information.
Deborah Shoshlefski, 142 South Windsor Lane.
Dead, car accident. Case closed.
She's dead?
But she's so young. She was so young, and now, she is dead.
As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.
God.
Why don't you sit down, Michael? Come on.
There we go.
Michael, you didn't even know her.
Try not to be so hurtful, Jim.
Jim, how dare you? Please, not at a time like this.
Okay, Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you.
Oh, really? What's her name? Burger King?
No, I mean it.
She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along.
I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?
I'm setting Michael up with my landlady. She's really sweet, and...
Whatever, I just can't take Michael like this.
No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.
We need to assemble the F'ive F'amilies.
No, not the F'ive F'amilies.
We have to!
The F'ive F'amilies are the five companies of Scranton Business Park.
The bosses rarely meet.
There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin.
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited.
They call him "Cool Guy" Paul.
W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air.
Grade A badass.
And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Die. Bill Cress is super old and really mean.
Kevin, I don't have time for this right now.
I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend.
And she needs to meet me right now.
I'm calling the meeting anyway.
Thank you very much.
Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top.
So...
Behold our bachelorette.
Give her a 10 for her looks, and a three for her ability to describe herself.
Hello, my lady.
Michael?
Uh...
Are you Michael Scott?
Is who Michael what?
I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.
That's not... Yeah, I'm not... Michael?
Michael?
Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.
So you
get the rent checks every month, and...
What happens next? What...
You're asking me what I do with the checks that people write to me?
Just making conversation.
Why is it so hard to meet people? I... You know, it's...
All I want is somebody nice, and sweet,
and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know?
Why is it so hard for people like us?
I don't know.
You want to see what I walked out on?
This is going to blow your mind. Look at that!
She's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah.
And you can't see her whole body, down here, she has a boob job.
Just...
She was just crazy smart and really manipulative, and...
I don't know.
Michael? Hello, Michael?
Well, I'm gonna head out.
Oh, okay.
Well, I enjoyed this conversation.
It was very nice.
It was like talking to the sweet, old lady on the bus.
That's incredibly rude.
Now you ruined it.
Where's Scott?
Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement.
Let's just meet back in an hour.
Gentlemen, please.
We called this meeting.
Andrew Bernard
is the name of me, and this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.
I have things.
All right, what do you want?
Well, first of all, I'd just like to say what an honor it is
to be sitting here with you gentlemen. You have about 10 seconds.
We want our parking spaces back.
Whose parking spaces?
W.B. Jones' construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning,
and some people have to park really far away
and walk all the way to the office.
And some people sweat too much for comfort, and...
My God.
I don't have time for this, guys. Just give them back their spaces.
Okay. We good? Okay.
Could've done this over e-mail.
After Stacy left, things did not go well for a while.
And it was hard to see...
It's just nice to win one.
Margaret the landlady? Really, Pam? Is that what you think of me?
She's sweet and cute. I thought you would get along.
Oh, okay. Well, I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship.
I'm a man of intensity.
Of cool, and youth,
and passionately. God...
Margaret? I know...
You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment.
Oh, I don't care. I didn't really like that place that much, anyway.
I'll just move.
Oh, really?
Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything.
And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.
Yeah.
Maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend, 'cause he's kind of a slob, too.
Okay. Sure. Let's do it.
No, I... Well, I'm not gonna... I'm...
I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged.
Have I not proposed to you yet?
I don't... No. Oh.
Well, that's coming.
Oh, right now?
No. I'm not gonna do it right here. That would be rather lame.
Okay, so then when?
Pam, I'm not gonna tell you.
I hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Wait, I'm serious.
It's happening. Okay.
And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly.
So, stay sharp.
I've been warned.
I am not kidding.
Got it a week after we started dating.
I don't know, man. I was with Jan for so long...
I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there.
You know what you need?
Closure.
You're right.
What do you mean, though?
There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply,
and she left before you could say goodbye. I think you need to say goodbye.
Hmm.
Come on. I'll drive.
We did it! I did it.
We got our spaces back.
Nice job.
Nice. Yeah.
There it is. You're welcome.
Did I do this for me? No.
I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-Pack,
the guy who wakes up every morning in his $400-a-month apartment,
wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month.
Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil.
Wonders, "How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?"
That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.
How did she die?
I guess you could say she died of
blunt-force trauma and blood loss.
She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hangar.
God... Yeah.
She was so innocent.
She was stoned, apparently.
You know, I used to think that
I had this perfect person out there, waiting for me.
But now I know that that's just silly.
Because she's dead.
What do you do?
You wait till next year's chair catalogue comes out,
and you find someone who's still alive.
You move on. Yeah.
Where do you want to go for dinner?
I don't know. I kind of hate all our regular places right now.
Oh!
You know what? That one...
Hey, Pam?
Will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?
I hate you. What?
My shoe is untied. What is your problem?
Oh, my God! You thought I...
No, no, no. How could I have thought that?
How could I have thought that?
Bye, bye
Miss chair model lady
I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice
We had lots of kids
Drinking whiskey and rye
But why'd you have to go off and die?
Why'd you have to go off and die?
You believe in rock 'n' roll?
Can music save your mortal soul?
And then, can you have to dance
real slow?
Well, I know that you're in love with him
'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym
Kicked off their shoes They both turned off their shoes
No more rhythm and blues! No verdict was returned!
Rhythm and blues
This will be the day that I die