The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 12 - Did I Stutter? - full transcript

So, the figures show improvement right there, Michael.
And again...
I'll call back.
You never call back.
Every time Michael's in a meeting,
he makes me come in and give him a Post-it note
telling him who's on the phone.
I did it once and he freaked out. He loved it so much.
The thing is he doesn't get that many calls.
So he has me make them up every 10 minutes.
Tell him I'll call him back.
You can't just work 200 days... Sorry.
Oh, no, no, no. I don't have time for this.
Tell him I'm in a meeting.
So.
You have to know how to work this. There's no excuse for this.
Yeah. I can get you a tutor if you need.
Oh.
Ah, this is a very important client,
but I have the most important client sitting right in front of me, my boss.
So I will call him back. Oh, no, no, no.
Customer service is obviously priority one. You can take the call.
No. Money isn't everything, Ryan.
And you're my friend, and I don't want to be rude.
Take the call, friend. I refuse. No.
My house, my rules. I insist.
I insist you take your work calls.
Okay. All right, Pam, would you put the call through?
Hiya, buddy.
I don't know, I just... I never felt welcome there, you know?
That's... It's such a boys' club.
Yeah. I hate that. Good.
So, here's the deal.
I am on my way to New York to be deposed
as part of Jan's wrongful termination lawsuit.
The company fired her for having the courage
to augment her boobs.
And they displayed
a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Yes. Yes. Pattern. "Pat-turn." My friend Pat took a turn.
That's how I remember that.
Could we pull over and put down the top?
My... I'm feeling a little... No.
...queasy. No, I want it up. My hair.
Remember, it's not just a pattern.
It's a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
"Dis-ray." My friend Dis Ray got new specs.
Dis Ray Spect.
My friend In-A-Pro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
Does this work for you?
Yep.
Tell them how much you're going to get if you win.
Come on, Michael, that's tacky. Million dollars.
4 million. $4 million!
Man, that is a lot of guacamole! Lot of the green. Lot of green.
That is why I have memorized Jan's answers
and I've also thrown in some "er's" and "ah's"...
No, Michael... just to make it seem like
it's not memorized. No, come on.
Perfect crime! Stop saying ridiculous things.
He's just going to tell the truth. The truth is very, you know, complicated.
So we went over it carefully,
and just so that we wouldn't leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment.
Could we please pull over and pull down the top?
I do not feel good. Michael, I told you, I'm not...
I'm getting carsick! ...putting the top down!
I'm going to puke. I think I'm going to throw up.
All right, fine. Just a second. Hold on.
Hey, Schneider, real quick,
what do you call a buttload of lawyers driving off a cliff?
A good start. And I think it's "busload."
Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus.
Where did you find this guy?
Hey, there he is. Hey, Michael.
Hey, hey. Jan.
I'm glad you're here. I actually need to talk to you for a second.
Yeah. Okay.
Can we talk off the record as friends?
I would love that.
Jan has put the company in a very tough position here.
Now, you've been with us for a long time. Over 10 years, right?
We just want to be sure that you won't do anything to hurt us with your testimony.
Do you understand? Abso-fruitly. Yeah.
I'll... I'll do anything for the company. Good.
That is great to hear.
It is.
Game, son!
All right, let's run it back.
The warehouse got a Ping-Pong table last week.
Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice.
My boyfriend is 12.
What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at Ping-Pong?
Hi, Kelly. Guess whose boyfriend it is?
I don't want to guess. I'll give you a hint, it's not my boyfriend.
I think it's a guy over here.
I don't talk trash. I talk smack.
They're totally different.
Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, "Your mama's so fat,
"she could eat the Internet."
But smack talk is happening, like, right now.
Like, "You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there."
Jim? Can I see you for a second?
Sure.
Wow.
Okay, it's not regulation size, but it'll do.
You have to practice. You have to get really good and beat Darryl.
Oh, I can't beat Darryl. Please.
Kelly's trash-talking me because Darryl's beating you.
What? Seriously? What is she saying?
Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.
Jim couldn't hit a Ping-Pong ball if it was the size of the moon.
Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at Ping-Pong?
So, you're asking me to defend your honor against Kelly?
Sort of. Yes.
Bring me a player. Okay.
Hi, everyone. Dianne Kelly. I'm the company's chief legal counsel.
Hi. No. No. Absolutely not. What is he doing here?
Toby? Are you renewing your divorce vows
before my deposition?
Michael, I'm your HR rep.
I'm on your side. Never.
I want him gone. I don't talk until he leaves.
Michael, just relax, okay?
You know what, I think they're ready for us now, so...
Okay. All right.
Mr. Scott, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth?
Yes. Mr. Scott,
can you describe the circumstances of Ms. Levinson's termination?
Well, it was not just a termination.
It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Oh, very good. Well put.
People underestimate Michael.
There are plenty of things that he is well above average at,
like ice-skating.
He is a very good ice-skater.
Hey, Kevin, Jim needs to see you.
About what?
He needs help balancing some travel receipts.
Are you sure he wants me?
Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts.
Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically.
He's in the conference room.
Awesome!
How long have you known the plaintiff?
I haven't actually seen it,
but I have seen The Firm
and I'm planning on renting The Pelican Brief.
How long have you known Ms. Levinson?
Six years and two months.
And you were directly under her the entire time?
That's what she said.
Excuse me?
That's what she said.
Ms. Levinson told you that she was your direct superior?
What? Why would she say that?
Can we just move on to another question? No, wait,
I don't understand. Who's on record as saying this?
With all due respect, I'm in the middle of a line of questioning.
Now, Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms. Levinson said
regarding your employment status with respect to her corporate position?
Come again? That's what she said? I don't know what you're talking about.
If I may, he was just telling a joke before, so can we move on to another question?
Oh, are you sure? Yes.
Can you go back to where this digression began?
Mr. Schneider, "And you were directly under her the entire time?"
Mr. Scott, "That's what she said."
Well, delivery's all wrong. She's butchering it.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?
She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them.
Could you be more specific. Who are the twins?
To be delicate, they hang off milady's chest.
They make milk.
You don't need to go any further.
Her breasts? Yes.
She thought it had something to do with her recent breast-enhancement surgery?
Yes. And frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant.
What about your romantic relationship with Ms. Levinson?
Could that have played a part in her termination?
Well, if it did,
then the company is breaking its own rules.
Interesting. How so?
Because before we started dating, we disclosed our relationship to HR.
And I have the proof right here.
Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr. Scott,
if that's okay with you? I will allow it.
Would you mind, please, just
taking a quick look at this photograph, please?
That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica, is that correct?
Uh-huh.
And that photograph was taken more than two months
prior to the start of your relationship, does that sound right?
Mr. Scott, the timeline here is actually very important.
Please, when did your relationship actually begin?
Well, it depends on how you define begin.
I mean, if it's from the first time we shook hands, like, six years ago.
If it's from the first time we kissed, it's, like, two years ago.
Excuse me? If it was from the first time we kissed sober,
it was, like, four months after that.
Can we take a short break?
No. Are you telling me that your relationship
began two years ago and not in F'ebruary as you previously testified to here?
Line. I'm sorry, what?
He asked for a line, like in a play.
"Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?"
"I did." "Yes, you did." "Can I go to the bathroom?"
"No." "I really have to. I've been drinking lots of water."
"You went five minutes ago." "That wasn't to go to the bathroom,
"that was to get out of a question."
"You still have to answer it." "F'irst, can I go to the bathroom?" "No."
Good game, Meredith.
Don't patronize me.
All right, what is going on here? Dwight!
Thank God you're here.
As it turns out, one of our biggest clients is a Ping-Pong master.
And I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account.
Can you help me out? Will you help me practice?
What the hell? I told you.
All of my heroes are table-tennis players.
Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao,
Joerg Rosskopf and, of course, Ashraf Helmy.
I even have a life-sized poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall.
And the first time I left Pennsylvania
was to go to the Hall of F'ame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.
Jan and I had an on-againloff-again relationship for two years.
And I know this destroys her case and I am sorry,
but I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.
Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know.
Wait.
We'd like to enter into the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing with my diary?
This is plaintiff's exhibit 107. No.
I quote from an entry dated
January 4 of this past year.
"Just got back from Jamaica, tan almost everywhere.
"Jan, almost everywhere. Hee, hee.
"Oh, Diary, what a week.
"I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere.
"Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere,
"that it was a onetime mistake.
"But we had sex six times, so you tell me.
"I am definitely feeling very eerie."
Irie.
Irie. Sorry.
"More tomorrow. X-O-X-O, Michael."
It would appear that neither you nor Ms. Levinson
considered you had a relationship
in any sense of the word. Is that correct?
We're going to need to see a copy of that entire journal before we proceed.
I don't think anyone in this room has a right to read my diary.
It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it.
Okay, let's make 10 copies of this diary.
Could you make it 11?
Eleven. Sure. And we'll break for lunch, so everyone can have a look.
Can I sit here?
You know, I know a little bit about what you're going through in a way.
When I was a kid, my parents got divorced.
They both wanted custody
and they both asked me to testify against the other one in court.
So, I don't know. I didn't want them to get divorced in the first place, you know?
I love them both so much.
I just wanted...
How could you give up my diary like that?
I had to. I'm sorry, but I need to win this.
We need to win this.
How did you even find it?
You keep it under my side of the mattress.
I don't like the lump. I'm really upset about this.
All right, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer.
You e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company.
Let's call it even.
F'ine. I love you.
I love you, too.
Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan,
who you refer to here as "Just as hot as Jan, but in a different way."
Not a woman, just a cool, great-looking, best friend.
Aren't we trying to determine
whether Michael and Jan were engaged in a romantic affair?
Not Michael and this Ryan person.
- Excuse me. - All right.
All right, this is the way I see it.
Yes, I had sex with Jan and, yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend,
however, Jan clearly did not consider me to be her boyfriend.
So her actions are completely rightful.
Okay, Mr. Scott, it's admirable
the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent
about her relationship with you.
Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that.
Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce.
And she was drinking a lot.
Okay.
Of water.
Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review.
Would you mind reading the date on that, please?
"March 17."
And that would be a month after your relationship became official,
is that correct? Yes.
You may read
the highlighted portion out loud if you'd like to.
"I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks.
"Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself
"to be an unmanageable employee and a poor branch manager.
"I recommend he be removed from that position
"and reassigned to sales where he belongs."
Mr. Scott, after hearing that,
wouldn't you say that Ms. Levinson's judgment
is at least very seriously flawed?
Mr. Scott?
How's it going?
Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.
Check this out, though. Spin serve.
Works, like, 80% of the time, so...
Nice.
So, should I schedule the rematch with Darryl now?
I think I'm ready.
I'll make the call.
Wait a minute, Darryl is the client?
No, no, no, he works here, dumb ass!
Right.
Spin serve!
How could you do that to me?
You can respond. Just remember it's all going into the record.
Michael, I'm not the enemy, okay? Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.
Dunder Mifflin has always treated me
with the utmost respect, with loyalty.
They were going to give me your job, and I should have taken it.
All right, wait, before you go any further,
let me show you what kind of loyalty they have, okay?
Lester, please read that part of Wallace's deposition.
Starting at paragraph six.
Counsel, "Mr. Wallace, regarding Michael Scott,
"was he a contender to replace Jan Levinson?"
David Wallace, "Yes."
See? I was number-one contender. I was being groomed.
Counsel, "Was he your first choice?"
David Wallace, "Michael Scott is a fine employee
"who has been with the company many years."
Counsel, "Was he in the top five of contenders?"
David Wallace, "What do you want me to say?
"Come on, he's a nice guy. There were many people that I considered."
Counsel, "Was he being seriously considered for the corporate job?"
David Wallace, "No."
I have one more question, Mr. Scott.
Wouldn't you agree with Ms. Levinson
that the company exhibits a pattern of disrespect
toward its employees?
Absolutely not.
Yes! Way to go! See that?
Yeah. The floppy-haired girl you date won a point.
Nineteen serving four.
Nice, baby! Nice one!
Hey, hey, you, you I don't like your boyfriend
'Cause, 'cause, 'cause, 'cause 'Cause he sucks at Ping-Pong
You know what? I'm sick of this. Let's go. You and me!
What? Let's go! Pick up a paddle.
Okay. Bring it on. I am.
You think you can handle this?
In my sleep.
Okay, volley for serve. "P."
"O."
"P."
"O."
Do you want to go play on the table upstairs?
- "P." - "O."
Yes.
"P."
Michael, I am very sorry.
Oh, hey, no biggie. Just...
No, no, no. This was rough.
We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this.
I'm very sorry.
Hey, David?
Yeah?
I think you're a nice guy, too.
Thanks, Michael.
Why did I do it?
I don't know.
Jan said that it was because of the photo
that she revealed the diary.
But she already brought the diary with her to New York. So...
You expect to get screwed by your company,
but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.
What do you want to do for dinner?
How about Chinese?
We should really try to save some money.
How about something cheap?
That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion.
Can you do fast food? F'ine.
F'ast food's fine.