The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 11 - Night Out - full transcript

I really didn't think I was gonna have a good time, but I did.
I totally did. I love camping. Anything can happen.
Oh, it wasn't camping. It was more of a wilderness retreat.
Morning. Michael.
Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods
for a get-to-know-you weekend. Michael wasn't invited.
Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.
Did you sleep in cabins?
Under the stars. It was really beautiful.
You should come. Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once.
Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip.
Toby went, but Michael didn't go.
He wasn't invited.
Who went? Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm,
Jack from Albany, and Ryan, obviously. We ate so many s'mores
I finally had to say, "No more s'mores. No more s'mores."
Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat.
It was this amazing, beautiful...
Hey. Nobody cares. Nobody cares.
I need that room at some point, so just wrap it up.
Michael wasn't invited.
Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping.
And... Do you know what "hypothetical" means?
Not real. Got it.
So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me,
would you go? Absolutely. Yes.
When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, do you want to go today?
And I am always busy.
Oh, I can't go today because I'm donating blood.
How often can you actually donate blood?
Is there a limit? I don't...
Your body only has a certain amount.
Well. Is that it? Or...
Yeah. Just this whole Toby camping thing.
I don't know, seems a little lame. I mean... How so?
A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores.
What's that? Oh, I'm on Broken Mountain.
Here's the thing. That's not how you go camping.
I think you go camping by yourself in the wilderness.
It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy
or two guys, if your plans change. They're not
I want to do it myself. You know, I want to go
and find out something about myself.
I want to get out of here. All the cliques and the office politics, fluorescent lights.
And the asbestos.
I thought we had that looked at.
I'm sick of it, Jim. I'm sick of this place.
When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called Survivorman.
And it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out
into the middle of nowhere and just try not to die,
try not to get eaten by an animal,
or be overexposed.
Okay, I will only need two things, a roll of duct tape and a knife.
I'm on it. Okay. Thirty minutes or less.
Please come back.
Save the receipts. Hey, what...
Let's see if any of these will work. Hey. Hey. Dwight. Dwight...
I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office.
I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had Velcroed under my desk.
People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace."
Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally,
than by a stranger on purpose.
Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not.
I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow
and perhaps the next day.
Do you want me to ask where you're going?
No.
Great. Dwight will be driving me
deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness. Oh.
Where he will then leave me
to either die or to survive. The choice is yours.
No. The choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?
Yes. And I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day,
and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me.
Okay. Great. This is a very personal, private experience
in the wild that I wish to share with me, myself and I.
Yep.
When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
That'd be great.
Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills
to survive in a hostile environment?
Let's put it this way. No, I do not.
This is what a true Survivorman does.
You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck.
You can only wear the clothes that you have on,
and you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets.
Now in this case, this disaster is a serial killer,
creepy guy who's abducted me, and is taking me out into the wilderness
to leave me for dead. No. I would never leave you for dead.
You would never escape. Well, yes, I would. And I would survive.
I would make sure that you were dead. No.
Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips
so you could not be identified. You...
And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
You are as creepy as a real serial killer, for real. Okay...
What are you doing? I am putting this on so I have no familiarity
with my surroundings.
Now this way I can't retrace my steps.
I don't know what streets we... Ow! What are you doing?
It would be better if you were unconscious. No.
Here... God. Dwight, stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
Do you want to do this right or not?
Just please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life.
Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.
Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?
Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?
I do remember, yeah. It's birthday month.
Creed's is today, Oscar's is week after next, Meredith's is at the end of the month.
Michael usually goes with red and white streamers...
You know what? I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big, shared party?
What?
There are 13 people working in this office, so 13 times a year,
Michael gets a cake and balloons
and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast.
And there are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are...
Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack. Not crack the drug.
And the other is something inappropriate or horrible or both.
What else? He only sings the high harmony to Happy Birthday.
And he is a very big believer in surprise parties.
Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
So I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive.
Yeah.
We can just have one big, fun party. And everybody's happy
and nobody wastes their time.
I don't like it.
Wow. You're shaking things up a bit, huh?
It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?
Do you think it's a good idea? No. I think it's a great idea.
Hmm.
We're here.
Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest.
Just the two of us from this point out.
Here we go. Just the two of us.
Here we go into the wild, to the mighty forest.
Can you smell the trees and the nature?
Keep going. You're fine.
Just some bushes and some thickets.
Keep going.
You wanted wilderness. You got it.
You know, try sending them another invoice.
Okay. All right.
Oh, did you see my memo, by the way?
"Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are,
"we all can use a break from the constant cakes.
"So let's celebrate birthday month in style today."
This is really cool.
Right? I was just thinking...
No. Totally. Totally.
This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.
Right. Exactly.
I knew I could count on you.
As good a spot as any.
What are you doing? Stop it.
Dwight, just stop it. I'm just...
Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction.
Behold.
All right, good. Thank you, Dwight.
Here's your knife. Thank you.
And here's your duct tape. Good.
All right. Very good.
Okay. Yeah.
Good luck, Michael. Thanks for the ride.
Okay.
Leave me be, Dwight.
Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake? What's that?
I really prefer Devil's F'ood Cake.
Oh, sure.
Yes. Okay.
Awesome.
Wow. That was easy.
Yeah. People like me, I guess.
Jim.
I hate Devil's F'ood. Well, I think Meredith was...
Screw Meredith. I don't think it's fair
to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
Everybody's birthday. Today is actually my birthday
and I want to pick the cake. What do you want?
I want pie. I want peach pie. You want birthday pie?
I want a nice cobbler.
I'll talk to Angela and we're going to see what we can do about a pie.
I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
It'll be Angela. You tell her it's for Creed.
She'll know what that means.
Day one. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness.
I have brought with me only the bare essentials,
a knife, a roll of duct tape
in case I need to fashion a shelter or make some sort of water vessel.
It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant,
which would make it about 2:00 in the afternoon.
Really beating down on me now.
I think that I want to get a little more comfortable
because the sun is depleting my resources.
Okay. There we go.
Watch that I don't hit my carotid artery here.
I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not.
I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support.
But I will never help him.
I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die.
But I will never let him lose his dignity.
There we go. Much better.
Now everything I brought with me can be used.
My sport coat here
can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts.
I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs.
See, this is a beautiful piece of material.
This can be used for all sorts of things, some sort of kerchief
to keep my neck nice and comfortable.
Jimbo. Andy.
Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? F'udgie the Whale.
Not your birthday. Well, I'm just saying, you know,
if you want to make people happy, namely me,
you will have a F'udgie the Whale.
All right. I'll look into it, but the answer's no.
Well, okay. Harsh.
Just don't expect me to show up.
Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make. Loud and clear.
All right.
Pizza rolls. Okay, I'm going to go into this office here
to do some work so I will be in here.
Mushroom caps.
I am totally alone right now with only my thoughts.
I love it. I'm loving it.
I can literally say anything I want. No one is going to hear me.
Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat.
Jan has plastic boobs.
I have hemorrhoids.
Doesn't even matter.
Michael's a man of great depth and passion.
I don't know what he's searching for out here.
But I hope he finds it.
Lunch.
Well. It is a little chillier than I had thought.
So I have fashioned my hat back into my pants.
Several hours in, it's time for me to find some nourishment.
Now these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life.
Things like squirrels,
a nice, juicy rabbit would be delicious.
About two more minutes.
I have made this spear with which I will impale my dinner.
And that couldn't come a moment too soon,
because I have been without food for a good
three hours or so.
Starting to feel it a little bit.
It's Creed's birthday today.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Creed
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, buddy.
What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday. So what if there's a lot of them?
Yeah. I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break.
Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today.
If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
Why don't you just have an apple?
Why don't you mind your business?
Listen, I figured this out.
Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago so he doesn't care.
I think the power went to his head. Yeah.
Hey, Jim. Hey, guys.
What are we talking about? Nothing. Nothing going on.
We're talking about nothing. Come on, gang.
Well, if you take a look at this, I tented my pants.
I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter.
And this little guy may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.
Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope.
Safety is on.
Hey, Jim.
Toby.
Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays.
Oh. Great idea.
Oh, thanks, man. Yeah.
Is there anything I can...
My birthday was two months ago.
Oh, okay.
There was no party.
What? Well, there was but Michael scheduled it for
4:58 on a F'riday. People sang in the parking lot.
I remember that.
I don't know, I just thought maybe you
could include me. Seriously?
I just thought you could add me in. I don't know what the harm in that is.
Toby's great. He's great. But sometimes he can be a little bit much.
"I don't see the harm in that." Well, it's a cake, Toby, so come on.
Okay, yeah, you know what, we're just going to throw you in
because the more, the merrier, right?
No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim.
You can't just change plans willy-nilly and expect these little magic party elves
to do your bidding. We already have Devil's F'ood,
peach cobbler, F'udgie the Whale, mushroom caps...
I'm allergic to mushrooms.
That's a bummer. Okay.
Then we need to...
Hey, everybody. Hi, how are you doing? Could I have your attention, please?
'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing.
Conference room? Yes. Conference room. F'ive minutes.
No. No. We're going to solve it right here.
We're going to actually talk about it out here.
So who has problems with the birthday thing?
One, two, three, everybody. Okay, so then we just shouldn't do it.
What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?
I'll take them. Well, nobody's touching my cobbler.
Hey, Michael. I mean Jim.
Yeah. Phyllis called me Michael.
And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.
Under this tree, I think I struck the mother lode.
Those are nature's best mushrooms.
Wild, and I have to say, these little buggers are damn tasty as well.
Stop. No. No, Michael.
No. No. No.
Get them out.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Creed
Happy birthday to you
Yeah. All right.
Skip around the room. Skip around the room. We won't...
Okay, all right, yikes. Don't do that. You're going to break something.
Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth
and clothing and television,
and hamburgers, and to walk upright,
and to have a soft futon at the end of the day.
He didn't want to have to struggle to survive.
I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk.
I don't need fresh air
because I have the freshest air around, AC.
And I don't need wide open spaces.
Check it out.
I can also make it the sky.
Hi, buddy. Hey.
What's up?
I'm sure glad you're back.
You are relieved.
You have no idea.
So what did I miss?
Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
Oh. So, terrible idea.
Yeah. Okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.
You did do it? Yeah. Just wait.
Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years, but...
That's what I said.
That's what she said.
That's what who said?
I never know.
But I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know,
to lighten the tension when things sort of get hard.
That's what she said.
Hey. Nice.
Really good.
Bravo, my young ward.