The Office (2005–2013): Season 4, Episode 10 - Chair Model - full transcript

W.B. Jones is renovating their
offices, and their construction crews

are taking up some of the
parking spaces we used to get.

So we had to park at a satellite
parking lot over there.

Which just means we get to see
more of our lovely street.

Tell them what
we saw today, Jim.

Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking
the bones of a rotisserie chicken.

Nature.

I've been here
nine years,

now all of a sudden I'm supposed
to park half a mile away.

I lost a penny out
of my loafers, Oscar.

I will quit.



As God is my witness, I will
quit if this is not fixed.

Some of us like the walk
more than others.

It hurts like hell.

Did you pick a new chair?
It's been a while.

Pam, when I first
opened this catalogue,

I thought I was just going
to be picking out a chair.

But instead you found something to distract
you from ever picking out a chair.

Michael started the process of selecting
a new chair about three weeks ago.

And normally I wouldn't care,
but he promised me his old one.

It's way better.
It's one of these.

I really want it.

Have you ever
seen this woman?

Her?

The one in the really great mesh,
black, high-back swivel chair?



Look at her smile. It's the eyes.
Look at her eyes. She's got...

I don't know what it is, exactly.
She dresses like a professional,

and yet you know there is a side of her
that could just curl up on a couch.

Or in a great chair.

Yeah, maybe, but...

Remember, after my dinner party, when
I said that I was swearing off women?

I definitely remember
your dinner party.

I think what I meant was that I am
completely swearing off one woman.

Jan.

I think that fate put this
catalogue in my hands.

Actually, I put the catalogue in your hand,
'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

What is it like being single?
I like it. I like

starting each day with a
sense of possibility.

And I'm optimistic,

because every day I get a
little more desperate,

and kindly turn
to Page 85?

Yo, is this
his new chair?

No, he hasn't
picked one yet.

God!

When Pam gets Michael's old
chair, I get Pam's old chair.

Then I'll have two chairs.
Only one to go.

I am ready to start dating again.
I'm getting back on the market.

So, F'YI, for those of you who're
thinking about fixing me up

with any of your friends,

use the woman
on Page 85

as a template.

That will be all.

I left my cell phone
in my car.

Call us when you get there,
so we know you're okay.

Listen, man, I am
completely over Jan.

So, would you
set me up?

If I had somebody to set you up with,
Michael, then I'd take her for myself.

I thought you
were engaged.

Nope. Stacy broke up
with me.

What? God,
that's terrible, man.

She's crazy.

Are you still on good terms
with any of her friends?

Not anymore.
It's a bitter situation.

She's...
You don't deserve her.

All right.

Hello, Oscar Mayer
Weiner lover.

I bet that you have a bunch of
very liberal girl-type friends

who trust you implicitly,

because they know you'd never touch
'em because of your condition.

Michael?
What?

I have a friend who's single.
Oh.

Sandy.

She's gorgeous, and she's got
a feisty personality, too.

F'eisty? So she's not jolly or sassy?
Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?

No, she's a professional
softball player.

Catcher or infield?

I don't know, Michael.

Is she a dress-wearer
or a pants-wearer?

Could we share a rowboat?
Could a rowboat support her?

What are you asking?

I think I'm being very
clear what I'm asking.

Would an average-sized rowboat
support her without capsizing?

It bothers me that you're
not answering the question.

No, all right? No,
she can't fit in a rowboat.

Damn it! I knew it!
I knew it, Phyllis! Okay.

What is wrong with these people?
I would do anything for them,

and they're just
hanging me out to dry.

Dating shouldn't be hard
for somebody like me,

but it is, and you know why? Because
nobody here is willing to help me.

Nothing would ever get done in this office
without a formal request, would it?

Well, fine.
Here goes.

I don't think that this is...
Now, okay,

I know that this is
probably not appropriate.

But I need help.

Because I want to play ball with
my kids before I get too old.

And before that happens,
I need to get laid.

And before that happens,
I need to be in love.

And I don't wanna hear, "I
don't know, I can't help..."

No, no. I am a catch,
and I am not going to be

the one who got away.

So this is what
we're going to do.

Dwight is going to hand out index cards,
and I want you all to write down the name

of an eligible woman for me to
date by the end of the day.

No, by the end of the hour,
or you are fired.

Write legibly, people.

Because of the construction at W.B. Jones,
half of us have to park in the satellite lot.

It's, like, a ten-minute walk.
No, 30.

Well, look, I have an assigned
parking place in front, so...

All right, all right,
all right.

Let me try to think about what it
would be like to not have one.

Okay, yes, that would be bad.
Yes!

That would be bad.
Okay, so...

Help us out. Wish I
could, but I can't.

Well, can, but won't.

Should, maybe,
but, shorn't.

Michael, please...

What part of "shorn't" don't
you understand, Kevin?

Look, I could probably
handle it, yes, but...

I think it would be a good exercise
for you guys to do it yourselves.

We won't let you down. You
can't, because I don't care.

Listen! Don't forget to fill out
those cards. My love cards.

There's nobody I hate enough to
write her name on this card.

Well, I'm setting Michael up
with my fat friend, anyway.

He can just
deal with it.

Who are you
putting down?

Oh, you don't know her.

Who is it?
Your mom.

Yeah, whatever.

Give that to me!
Give that to me.

Okay, Wendy.

Hot and juicy redhead.

Let's give this a try.

Wendy's.

Hello, Wendy.

This is Kevin's friend,
Michael.

This isn't Wendy.

I'm sorry. Could you
put her on, please?

Dude, this is a
Wendy's restaurant.

Damn it, Kevin. Okay...

Um...

Could I just have a F'rosty
and a baked potato, please?

You have to come to the
restaurant to order food.

Well, I'll send somebody to
pick it up, just have it ready.

It's ready now.

Well, put it aside.

Um...

I've collected the rest
of the ladies.

Good, good.

Because this batch
was awful.

This one says
"chair model"?

I wrote that.

Michael, you shouldn't have to settle.
This is my pledge to you.

I will find her, and I
will bring her to you.

And as God is my witness,
she shall bear your fruit.

That sounds good.
Go get her.

Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait!

F'irst, go to Wendy's, get my
food, come back, and then go.

That is fantastic.

Thank you, thank you very much.
This is just what I needed.

The furniture company gave me the
name of the advertising agency.

They gave me the name
of the photographer.

The photographer, a Spaniard, used
a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency.

The agency gave me
the following information.

Deborah Shoshlefski,
142 South Windsor Lane.

Dead, car accident.
Case closed.

She's dead?

But she's so young. She was so
young, and now, she is dead.

As dead as every dead animal
who has ever died.

God.

Why don't you sit down,
Michael? Come on.

There we go.

Michael, you didn't
even know her.

Try not to be
so hurtful, Jim.

Jim, how dare you? Please,
not at a time like this.

Okay, Michael, you know what?
I might have someone for you.

Oh, really? What's her name?
Burger King?

No, I mean it.

She's really nice and sweet and you
guys might actually get along.

I don't think I'm ready.
Is she hot?

I'm setting Michael up with my landlady.
She's really sweet, and...

Whatever, I just can't
take Michael like this.

No question about it,
I am ready to get hurt again.

We need to assemble
the F'ive F'amilies.

No, not the
F'ive F'amilies.

We have to!

The F'ive F'amilies are the five
companies of Scranton Business Park.

The bosses rarely meet.

There's Michael Scott, Regional
Manager, Dunder Mifflin.

Bob Vance,
Vance Refrigeration.

Paul Faust
of Disaster Kits Limited.

They call him "Cool Guy" Paul.

W.B. Jones of
W.B. Jones Heating and Air.

Grade A badass.

And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Die.
Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Kevin, I don't have time
for this right now.

I'm trying to get a date
with Pam's hot friend.

And she needs
to meet me right now.

I'm calling
the meeting anyway.

Thank you very much.

Our suspect has straight brown hair. She
is wearing blue jeans and a black top.

So...

Behold our bachelorette.

Give her a 10 for her looks, and a three
for her ability to describe herself.

Hello, my lady.

Michael?

Uh...

Are you Michael Scott?

Is who Michael what?

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be
meeting someone named Michael.

That's not... Yeah, I'm not...
Michael?

Michael?

Large hot chocolate with caramel
and a shot of peppermint.

So you

get the rent checks
every month, and...

What happens next? What...

You're asking me what I do with the
checks that people write to me?

Just making
conversation.

Why is it so hard to meet people?
I... You know, it's...

All I want is somebody
nice, and sweet,

and someone I can talk to and share
an experience with, you know?

Why is it so hard
for people like us?

I don't know.

You want to see
what I walked out on?

This is going to blow your mind.
Look at that!

She's beautiful.
Yeah. Yeah.

And you can't see her whole body,
down here, she has a boob job.

Just...

She was just crazy smart and
really manipulative, and...

I don't know.

Michael?
Hello, Michael?

Well, I'm gonna head out.

Oh, okay.

Well, I enjoyed
this conversation.

It was very nice.

It was like talking to the
sweet, old lady on the bus.

That's incredibly rude.

Now you ruined it.

Where's Scott?

Michael Scott could not make it today
due to an unforeseen prior engagement.

Let's just meet
back in an hour.

Gentlemen, please.

We called
this meeting.

Andrew Bernard

is the name of me, and this is
my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.

I have things.

All right,
what do you want?

Well, first of all, I'd just
like to say what an honor it is

to be sitting here with you gentlemen.
You have about 10 seconds.

We want our parking
spaces back.

Whose parking spaces?

W.B. Jones' construction guys park
in our parking spaces every morning,

and some people have to
park really far away

and walk all the way
to the office.

And some people sweat too
much for comfort, and...

My God.

I don't have time for this, guys.
Just give them back their spaces.

Okay.
We good? Okay.

Could've done this
over e-mail.

After Stacy left, things did
not go well for a while.

And it was hard to see...

It's just nice
to win one.

Margaret the landlady? Really, Pam?
Is that what you think of me?

She's sweet and cute.
I thought you would get along.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm looking for a
passionate affair, not companionship.

I'm a man of intensity.

Of cool, and youth,

and passionately. God...

Margaret?
I know...

You just got yourself
kicked out of your apartment.

Oh, I don't care. I didn't really
like that place that much, anyway.

I'll just move.

Oh, really?

Who's gonna take you in? You're messy.
You're a klutz, you spill everything.

And you leave the volume
on the TV way too loud.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend,
'cause he's kind of a slob, too.

Okay. Sure.
Let's do it.

No, I... Well, I'm not gonna...
I'm...

I'm not gonna move in with
anyone unless I'm engaged.

Have I not proposed
to you yet?

I don't... No.
Oh.

Well, that's coming.

Oh, right now?

No. I'm not gonna do it right here.
That would be rather lame.

Okay, so then when?

Pam, I'm not
gonna tell you.

I hate to break it to you,
but that's not how that works.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Wait, I'm serious.

It's happening.
Okay.

And when it happens, it's going
to kick your ass, Beesly.

So, stay sharp.

I've been warned.

I am not kidding.

Got it a week after
we started dating.

I don't know, man. I was
with Jan for so long...

I was excited about meeting somebody new.
Put my heart out there.

You know what
you need?

Closure.

You're right.

What do you mean, though?

There was a woman in your life
who affected you very deeply,

and she left before you could say goodbye.
I think you need to say goodbye.

Hmm.

Come on.
I'll drive.

We did it!
I did it.

We got our
spaces back.

Nice job.

Nice.
Yeah.

There it is.
You're welcome.

Did I do this
for me? No.

I did this for the little guy.
For Joe Six-Pack,

the guy who wakes up every morning
in his $400-a-month apartment,

wonders how he's gonna
pay his mortgage that month.

Wonders how he's gonna
fill his car up with oil.

Wonders, "How am I going to pay
my kids' orphanage bills?"

That guy shouldn't have to
wonder where he's gonna park.

How did she die?

I guess you could say
she died of

blunt-force trauma
and blood loss.

She got in a car accident and plowed
into the side of an airplane hangar.

God...
Yeah.

She was so innocent.

She was stoned,
apparently.

You know,
I used to think that

I had this perfect person
out there, waiting for me.

But now I know
that that's just silly.

Because she's dead.

What do you do?

You wait till next year's
chair catalogue comes out,

and you find someone
who's still alive.

You move on.
Yeah.

Where do you want
to go for dinner?

I don't know. I kind of hate all
our regular places right now.

Oh!

You know what?
That one...

Hey, Pam?

Will you wait for me one
second while I tie my shoe?

I hate you.
What?

My shoe is untied.
What is your problem?

Oh, my God!
You thought I...

No, no, no. How could
I have thought that?

How could I have
thought that?

Bye, bye

Miss chair model lady

I dreamt that we were married
and you treated me nice

We had lots of kids

Drinking whiskey and rye

But why'd you have
to go off and die?

Why'd you have
to go off and die?

You believe in rock 'n' roll?

Can music save
your mortal soul?

And then, can you
have to dance

real slow?

Well, I know
that you're in love with him

'Cause I saw you
dancing in the gym

Kicked off their shoes They
both turned off their shoes

No more rhythm and blues!
No verdict was returned!

Rhythm and blues

This will be the day
that I die