The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 19 - Safety Training - full transcript

Good morning, Pam.
Oh, welcome back, Andy.
Drew. I'm Drew now.
Oh... Drew.
Sorry.
Apology not accepted.
Because it wasn't even necessary
in the first place.
Several weeks ago,
Andy Bernard had an incident.
Gaaah!
Ohh!
But after five weeks in anger management,
I'm back.
And I've got a new attitude.
And a new name.
And... a bunch of new techniques
for dealing with the grumpies.
Morning, Jim.
Hey, Andy. How are you, man?
Good. Drew.
What's that?
You can call me Drew.
No, I'm not gonna call you that.
Cool.
I can't control what you do.
I can only control what I do.
Andy.
Drew.
Dwight.
How's it going, man?
Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard
for the next three years.
Which I'm looking forward to.
It's an Amish technique.
It's like slapping someone with silence.
I was shunned from the age of four
until my sixth birthday
for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard
that he is being shunned.
Andy, Dwight says welcome back,
and he could use a hug.
Okay, tell him that that's not true.
Dwight says that he actually doesn't know
one single fact about bear attacks.
- Okay, no, Jim... - You guys.
Tell him bears can climb faster than they can run.
Jim!
Tell him!
Andy... Nah, that's too far.
Damn you.
Today is safety training day.
Toby is leading ours upstairs.
Yuck.
But I am giving everyone
a little bit of a treat.
We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation
to the warehouse.
And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.
Now...
this is the forklift.
You need... you need
a license to operate this machine.
That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it.
Quiz. Mike.
Hmm?
Should you drive the forklift?
I can, and I have.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I said should you?
You should not drive it.
You should not drive the forklift.
- You understand? - You're now allowed to drive the forklift.
It's not safe. You don't have a license.
Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift.
Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge.
I thought your name was Pudge.
No, it's always been Madge.
Okay.
Um, her.
Her, yes, "her" is qualified
to work a dangerous machine.
You are not.
Okay?
Ah... fine.
Do you understand that?
Yesh.
We do safety training every year.
Or after an accident.
We've never made it a full year.
This particular time,
I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf,
when one office worker who shall remain nameless
kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
"Hey, Darryl, how's it hangin'?"
And I fell and busted my ankle and...
I'm legitimately scared for my workers.
The bailer can flatten a car engine.
It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body
without skipping a beat.
Yeah!
It's on.
How many people a year do you think
get their arms cut off in a bailer?
Bail 'er? I hardly know her.
Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.
Anybody wanna take a guess?
Five bucks says it's over 50.
You really wanna bet?
Anybody?
Ever since March Madness ended,
I am so bored.
- How many? - Okay, you're on.
Ten people, Michael.
Ten people.
Would you like to be one of them?
No, don't worry about it.
We'll just go double or nothing.
On what?
I don't know. We'll figure something out.
What are you guys talking about?
These are very dangerous machines down here.
And the upstairs workers, Michael...
should not go anywhere near them.
Yes, yes.
But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world...
It would be the worst thing in the world, it would!
What the hell is wrong with this man?
It's a big, red trash compactor.
It's not a trash compactor!
It's a bailer.
Okay, I got it! I got it!
Only on the rarest of occasions...
No, do not touch it!
There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?
Toby now has the floor.
And he is going to try not to screw this up.
Like everything else in his life.
Let me rephrase that.
I believe that you can do safety training
and make it sound just as good as Darryl.
Here we go!
Okay, um... one thing you're gonna wanna look out for
is carpal tunnel syndrome.
It's recommended that you take
a ten-minute break from typing every hour.
For your circulation, um,
you're gonna wanna get up out of your chairs,
and, uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Yes, good, fine.
Like stretching and...
Um... yeah.
Your computer screen
can be a big strain on your eyes.
So it's also recommended that you step away
for about... about ten minutes every hour.
Wow, that is... that time really adds up.
That's like a half an hour every hour.
Take them at the same time.
Okay, you know what?
You're making it sound kind of lame.
So skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff.
Like sometimes, computers can explode.
Can they not?
No, no.
Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan
of some sort in case it gets drafty.
What about a long-sleeved tee?
Well, that'll work.
Long johns? A shawl?
You know, anything that warms you.
Okay, you know what?
I think that everybody is going to vomit
due to boredom.
Sorry, he is very lame.
Um... let's see.
Seasonal affective disorder.
"A depression that includes weight gain,
"fatigue, irritability,
brought on by the low light of winter."
Thank God we only had the bailer to deal with.
Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
Okay, guys, you know what?
I didn't interrupt
when you were having your presentation.
Actually, you did.
Yes.
Okay, let's do another one.
This is a good one.
"A particular concern for office workers
"is a sedimentary lifestyle,
which can contribute..."
Sedentary.
Yes, "which can contribute to heart disease."
Heart disease kills more people than bailers.
That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Mmm, no, no, it's...
Yeah, yeah. That's fat butt disease.
That's what you're suffering from?
No. Fat butt disease, Michael?
No, I...
Excuse me, Sea Monster, you weigh, like, 1,000 pounds.
Yeah, I bet you'd like to swim
with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Ryan!
Dude, please, tell your girl to shut up.
What? Kelly, you insulted the gentleman.
Please, apologize.
Are you kidding me?
All right, we out of here.
Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours.
So I...
Yeah, but ours was real, Michael.
- Yes. - That's what we been trying to tell you, Mike.
It's serious down there.
We do dangerous stuff, man.
This is shenanigans, foolishness.
NERF ball.
You live a sweet little NERF-y life.
Sittin' on your biscuit.
Never havin' to risk it.
Okay...
What, NERF isn't cool anymore?
Darryl thinks he's such a man
because he works in a warehouse.
Well, big deal.
I worked in a warehouse... Men's Wearhouse.
I was a greeter.
I'd like to see Darryl greet people.
Probably make 'em feel like wimps.
Not me. I...
Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse.
We have a special on khaki pants today.
This is one example.
Ten.
Really, ten? That's your guess?
You're a professional accountant.
There's, like, ten green ones.
42.
I'm gonna say 50.
51.
- Oh, don't be that person. - Come on, that is lame.
It's a strategy.
It's called being smart.
- Thank you. - Oh, jeez.
I don't know how the whole betting thing started,
but it's fun.
- Ten. - Kev's out.
Damn it!
47, 48, 49!
Jim wins!
Oh!
That is not fair.
He has spent hours up here
at reception with you.
Hours and hours.
Okay... okay.
No, constantly... like, for years.
Okay.
Pam, depression is as scary as a bailer, right?
I...don't understand the question.
"Working in a office can lead to depression
"which can lead to suicide."
I mean this is really serious stuff.
Yeah.
I... I...
Nobody commits suicide
because they work with a bailer.
And yet those guys are making fun of me.
Calling me a NERF. That...
It's really hard to demonstrate depression.
Their safety training had visuals.
Yeah... you are...
Ah, so right.
They have visual aids.
And all we had were the facts.
You don't go to the science museum
and get handed a pamphlet on electricity.
You go to the science museum
and you put your hand on a metal ball.
Your hair sticks up straight.
And you know science.
So you're okay?
Indubitably.
They use props.
They use visual aids.
And they just made us look like dopes.
Idiots!
God, what are we gonna do!
I don't know. I don't know.
Because you know what our killer is?
Depression. Wolves.
Depression.
Visual aids.
Yes.
A quilt... depression quilt?
No time to sew a quilt.
I got it.
Give me the number
for the Giant Big Box toy store.
You may be asking yourself,
"What am I doing on a trampoline?"
Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while,
relieve some stress, and then move on with my day.
Not!
Here's the plan.
Dwight is going to gather
all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys
and we're going to have another safety seminar.
Only this time, where's Michael?
Oh, my God!
He is on the roof!
Now I've got their attention.
I tell them about
the cold hard facts of depression.
And then I say,
"Hey, you ever seen a suicide?"
And I jump.
And they freak out.
And they get to see the dangers of depression
with their own eyes.
Nice side note... they might think,
hey, I should've been nicer to Michael.
But that's not why I'm doing this.
Then I land on the trampoline,
take a couple extra bounces for fun.
I climb off, walk around the corner.
Ta-freakin'-da!
So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue.
So number five becomes number four.
Number six becomes number five.
Number three becomes number two.
Etcetera, etcetera.
And let's just say
that I just sent back Love Actually,
which was awesome.
And they sent me Uptown Girls,
which is also awesome.
But guess what?
Now I want to see Love Actually again.
But it's at the bottom of the queue.
Oh no! What do I do?
What I do is this:
I go online, I go "click, click, click,"
and I change the order of the queue
so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to.
It's so easy, Ryan.
Do you really not know how Netflix works?
I guess I forgot.
You're such a ditz.
Ryan, well done. 2 minutes, 42 seconds.
Additionally, Pam, you win ten
because she said "awesome" 12 times.
And Jim, you win five
because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Okay, let's do this thing!
I'll go summon the troops.
Maybe we should test this first,
Letterman-style.
Throw a TV over.
We measured it once.
Go buy some watermelons.
Seedless?
Just...
Creed is eating an apple.
I found a potato.
Hey, Creed.
Hey!
- Hi. - Hello.
Yes!
Here you go.
Nice.
I don't know this place
as well as I thought I did.
I'm getting cleaned out.
- Ready? - Let's do it.
Drop that sucker.
Yeah, bingo!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, crap!
Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
Okay.
Find out whose car that is.
If it's Stanley's,
call the offices of James P. Albini.
See if he handles hate crimes.
Got it.
Also, take apart the trampoline,
stick it in the bailer.
We're not allowed to use the bailer.
Have Patch do it...
or the sea monster.
I'm on it!
Eh...
I'm temporarily lifting the shun.
Thank you.
It means nothing.
I need you to do something for me.
Anything.
Okay, calm down.
I need you to acquire
an inflatable house and/or castle.
You mean a moon bounce?
What do you think? You've got an hour.
I'm gonna need petty cash.
Shunning resumed.
Do you... do you want a drawbridge?
Un-shun.
Yeah, that sounds good. Re-shun.
Oh, yeah, this is much better.
Safer.
An excellent decision.
Yes. Thank you for seeing that.
When you land,
try and land like an eight-year-old.
These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
I don't know if I want to do this.
Do you want to do another test?
I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk.
No.
No more; the tests are going terrible.
If we keep doing them, I'm not gonna want to jump.
This is about doing, not thinking.
Right, doing!
Totally doing! It's rock and roll!
Rock and roll! Yeah!
You're right; I'm not thinking.
Yes, yeah!
I am ready to do this!
I'm ready to make a point!
Hey, guys, listen up.
Michael is up on the roof
and acting strange.
Whoa, what's the situation?
Un-shun.
I think he's suffering from depression.
Re-shun.
Okay, when's the shunning thing gonna end?
Un-shun... never! Re-shun.
I think he wants you all
to come out to the parking lot
and watch him die.
Is it nice outside?
It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Do I need my jacket?
No, really, it's very nice.
Come on!
Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?
Everyone's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Come on, hurry up, you guys!
My life!
Oh, my life...
Michael, what's wrong?
Everything's wrong.
The stress of my modern office
has caused me to go into a depression.
Depression?
Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Depression is a very serious illness.
Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year,
according to a 2004 study.
Is that the last year to date it was available?
Yes.
My head is in such pain and turmoil!
Don't do anything rash.
Dwight, where are the warehouse guys?
I didn't...
I didn't think you need them for this part.
Okay... that's...
- You said to just... - That's the whole point, dummy.
Okay, I'm on it.
Okay.
Attention blue collar workers!
What are the odds that this
is in any way real?
I'd say, like, 10,000 to 1.
Okay, I'd like ten bucks on those odds.
If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything,
you take it.
If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar,
I am going to be a very rich dude.
Michael's up on the roof
and he's acting strange!
Oh, my life!
Michael, what's wrong?
Everything's wrong, Dwight!
The stress of my modern office
has made me depressed.
Depressed?
Isn't that just a fancy word
for feeling bummed out?
Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Well, you know,
the first performance was a little off.
But I really think they hit their stride
in the second show.
Um...
Might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee.
And that is why...
Oh, excuse me. It's my favorite part.
I am going to jump off this roof.
This is just offensive.
At least we're outside.
Hey, check it out.
There's a castle over there.
Oh, my God. There is a castle.
No, there's nothing to see over there, people.
There's nothing to see.
They found the castle, Michael.
Damn it.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God!
He's gonna jump.
Oh.
He's going to kill himself
pretending to kill himself.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, Michael.
Don't jump on the bouncy castle.
You can't do that
'cause you are going to get horribly, horribly injured.
Hey, Michael.
I have a present for you
but you have to come down and get it.
What is it?
Come down and open it and you'll see.
Dwight, find out what the present is.
Okay, uh... I don't see anything.
She might be bluffing.
Dwight.
What are you...
Oh.
It's, uh...
A Repliee Q1 Expo female robot.
They're only available in Japan.
Dwight, you are such a liar.
Pam, really, what is it?
Mike, this is the opposite of safety.
You jump, you're gonna seriously hurt yourself.
You told me that I lead a...
a cushy, wimpy, NERF life.
Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.
What do I have to live for?
A lot... of things.
Uh, you, uh...
What about Jan?
Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man.
It's going good, right?
It's complicated with Jan.
And I don't know where I stand
or what I want.
The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.
Mike...
you're a very brave man.
I mean, it takes courage just to be you.
To get out of bed every single day
knowing full well you gotta be you.
Do you really mean that?
I couldn't do it.
I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.
I'm braver than you?
Way braver!
You Braveheart, man.
I Braveheart.
I am.
Come on down, okay?
Okay.
Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.
An office is as safe as the people in it.
And sometimes those people
can drive you to do crazy things
to show the dangers of the office.
That's the danger I found myself in today.
I saved a life... my own.
Am I a hero?
I really can't say.
But, yes.