The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 20 - Product Recall - full transcript

It's kinda blurry.
That's better.
Question.
What kind of bear is best?
That's a ridiculous question.
False. Black bear.
Well, that's debatable.
There are basically two schools of thought...
Fact. Bears eat beets.
Bears. Beets.
Battlestar Galactica.
Bears do not... What is going on?
What are you doing?
Last week, I was in a drugstore,
and I saw these glasses.
Uh, $4.
And it only cost me $7.
To recreate the rest of the ensemble,
and that's a grand total of...
$11.
You know what?
Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.
So I thank you.
Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!
Millions of families suffer every year!
Michael!
Oh, that's funny.
Michael!
Yes, I understand.
Can I transfer you to Customer Relations?
Absolutely.
I couldn't be more sorry about this.
I know, I know.
We're all trying to get to the bottom of this.
I am upset. Don't I sound upset?
I totally agree.
Well, we're going to be recalling all of that paper.
We have a crisis.
Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill
decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark
on our 24-pound cream letter stock.
500 boxes has gone out
with the image of a beloved cartoon duck
performing...
unspeakable acts upon a...
certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like.
I've never been a fan.
Everybody in here, STAT.
No time to lose.
Cry-Man Squaw, F and C, double time.
Cry-Man Squaw?
Crisis Management Squad.
F and C, double time?
Front and center,
twice as fast as you would normally go.
Why are you talking like that? To save time, Jim.
Actually, I think you could make the argument
that it wastes time.
Yeah, she has a good point.
I mean, for example, with the last thing you said,
by the time you explained it,
it actually took up more time.
You know what? Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Forget it. Where's Creed?
Creed, quality assurance. Here.
Your job.
I really think you screwed the pooch on this one, Creed.
Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours
and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill.
And, of course, the one year I blow it off,
this happens.
We have a lot of angry customers out there.
This puts us at threat level Midnight.
Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.
That's really not our job.
Midnight, Oscar!
Don't worry, Kelly will be training you first.
Kelly's training us?
This day is bananas.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
This day is bananas.
B-A-N-A...
I don't have a headache.
I'm just preparing.
Jim, big fire in your house.
Your client, Dunmore High School,
sent out their prom invitations on this paper.
- Went home to all the kids. - Yeah, I got a call out on them.
No, no, no. Not good enough.
This is a keystone account.
I want you in the school. In person.
- Sure. I want you to bring a partner.
We need somebody who's actually made a sale.
Andy, you go.
William Dolittle,
at your service.
AKA, Will Do.
Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone.
No, no. I need two men on this.
That's what she said. No time!
But she did. No time!
Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Yes! You're entering the "No Spin Zone."
We're having a press conference?
No, Pam, the press is just gonna find out by themselves.
Not.
Here's the thing.
best thing to do is to call a press conference.
Alert the media, and then you control the story.
Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you.
That's what happened to O.J.
I have invited Barbara Allen,
one of our oldest clients, to come in here
and meet with me for a personal apology.
The press wants a story. I will give them a story.
Oh, did the press ask for a story?
Here is your headline.
"Scranton-area paper company, Dunder-Mifflin,
"apologizes to valued client.
"Some companies still know
how business is done."
Okay?
Battle stations, everybody. Let's go, go, go, go, go!
Yes, hello.
Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance.
Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton.
I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers
last week for a quality inspection,
and he or she wasn't there.
And I'm trying to remember who it was.
Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week?
Debbie Brown. And which day was that?
Wednesday the 11th. Perfect.
The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job.
I will do whatever it takes to survive.
Like I did... when I was a homeless man.
Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants
is 'cause you're not good at interacting with people.
But guess what?
From now on, you guys are no longer losers.
So give yourselves a round of applause.
I wonder how many phone calls you're missing
while you're teaching us to answer calls.
I know, right? Probably a lot.
Can you just tell us
what we need to do so we can go?
Okay, Angela. I love your enthusiasm.
All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say,
"Customer Service. This is Kelly."
Except don't say Kelly. Say your own name.
Or, if you're bored, you can just make up a name.
Like one time I said I was Bridget Jones,
and I talked like this
for the whole conversation.
Ooh, can I be...
Australian, mate?
Absolutely!
'Ello, mate.
I like ice cream. I need a boyfriend.
I like ice cream, too, mate.
Alli-gators
and dingo babies.
Beer me.
What's that?
Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me."
Gets a laugh, like, a quarter of the time.
So how's what's-her-name?
You know her name.
Who, Karen?
Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends.
Mm. How's the apartment hanging?
It's fine.
Nice.
Check out this sunshine, man.
Global warming, right?
Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.
What about music? Do you have any music?
Uh, yeah. Should have said so.
I was thinking more like a CD or...
a CD?
Your call, dude.
My girlfriend made an awesome mix.
Beer me that disc.
Lord, beer me strength.
So, Tuna, when we get in there,
let's do a really good job, okay?
Did that really need to be said?
Well, not everything a guy says needs to be said.
Sometimes it's just about the music of a conversation.
Whoa, what the...
why is my girlfriend here?
Oh, is she that teacher in the white?
No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.
Which one is she?
The one in the green hoodie.
Wow!
I wonder if she's, like,
a guidance counselor or something?
No.
I don't think so.
- She's probably a tutor. - Nope.
- She's probably a te... - No.
- She's... - No.
Okay, press conference in 45.
Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.
On it.
Okay, Karen, Ryan, Pam.
Pam, run a comb through your hair.
First rule in roadside beet sales:
put the most attractive beets on top.
The ones that make you pull the car over and go,
"Wow, I need this beet right now."
Those are the money beets.
Hey!
Look sharp.
Hey, uh, hi.
Hello. Dwight Schrute.
And you must be, uh, from The Washington Post.
Scranton Times.
Chad Lite. "Lighter Side of Life."
And "Breaking Corporate News."
And obits.
Oh, dear God.
You've been granted level 3 security clearance.
Don't get too excited. That's out of 20.
Right this way.
Regional Manager Michael Scott
will be addressing the client in the press room shortly.
Have a seat. Can I get you a beverage?
- Uh, yeah, I'd like a... - Great.
Oh, Andy, you know what?
We don't have a lot of time,
so we should probably...
- Jamie. - Andy... oh!
- What are you doing here? - Andy?
Are you a student here?
Oh... yeah.
You never told me you were in high school.
This is weird.
I gotta go to Spanish.
Oh, my God!
Oh my God.
I had no idea.
Well... that's not gonna hold up in court.
We didn't do anything illegal.
Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Sir, yes, you have a valid point.
I'm sorry.
No, I am so sorry.
Really? Dickson City.
Excuse me?
Well, I don't see how that's our fault.
the official position of Dunder-Mifflin is apologetic.
So I don't know what you want from me.
Okay, first I just wanna say
that you are doing so good.
Look, you have so many good qualities
that the one that you might wanna work on
is... apologizing?
When I went over Wednesday for the spot check,
I got a call from Debbie Brown
saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Emergency dentist appointment.
Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu.
I'm a trusting guy, but, uh...
I just wish Debbie Brown had been there.
We would have caught this.
Yes.
I'll be sure someone returns your call.
I'm so sorry. Bye.
Hello. I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Mrs. Allen is our most important client.
Because every client
is our most important client.
Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.
And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us,
I would like to say
that Dunder-Mifflin truly regrets
this unfortunate incident.
And, as a gesture of gratitude
for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen,
I would like to present you with this novelty check
for six months of free paper, or 25 reams,
whichever comes first.
You look good in this.
So... let us consider this matter ended.
Well, it isn't ended.
I'm... I'm very angry. I could have lost business.
I know. I know you're angry.
And we are truly, truly sorry.
I don't accept your apology.
The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
Well...
we are extremely sorry.
I don't accept.
I'll be with you in a moment.
Alright.
Who was that guy she was talking to... at here locker?
Not important. Because you're not dating her.
Because it's a felony.
But who was that guy?
Probably another high school student.
The issue with the watermark is very serious.
We teach our students that character counts.
And you should.
You don't teach it well enough.
One of your students is a bitch.
Andy is having a real rough day today.
I wanna take out an ad in your school yearbook.
Whole page, two words.
Good luck.
That's not what I had in mind.
Ask where he's from.
Where are you from?
Ohio? That's nice.
So what do you want?
He's upset about the watermark.
Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error,
and we're doing everything we can do to fix it,
and that you're sorry.
It was an unfortunate error. We're fixing it.
And you already got your money back...
And you're sorry.
And the company has already apologized,
so you can take that apology or not.
I think he had Tourette's or something.
We are going to do everything humanly possible
to ensure that this never happens again.
Well, it doesn't help.
Because it already happened to me.
The watermark... it's a one-time thing.
I don't care. It was disgusting!
Cartoon characters having sex?
May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual.
Both animals were smiling. - Okay.
I grew up on a farm.
I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable.
Goat on chicken, chicken on goat.
Couple of chickens doing a goat.
Couple of pigs watching.
Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
What... can I do for you?
For starters, I think that you should resign.
Well...
Okay. Well...
Um, wasn't really my fault.
The guys at the paper mill... You're the head...
It was a guy at the paper mills. No, no, no.
I'm the head of the company? Yes, and that makes it your responsibility...
No, I'm a regional manager.
Okay, this is insane. You can get out of here.
Get out! That's insane. Fine.
We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
It's nontransferable.
Doesn't matter. Out, please!
I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.
Yeah, well, I'm calling the Ungrateful Bee-otch Hotline!
Did you get all that?
Everything.
We gotta do something.
This is spinning out of control, Pam.
This is just not...
It's just The Scranton Times.
No, then Newsweek picks it up.
And then CNN does a story about it.
And then... YouTube gets a hold of it.
I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over
in, like, a week or two.
You're right. It will blow over.
But it's not going to take...
a week or two.
Do you know what this is for?
Yes.
Michael likes me to run the camera
when he makes his apology videos.
He says he needs a woman's touch.
Okay, I think that's good.
"Hello, I am Michael Scott,
"Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton.
"By now, you are probably sick of hearing about
"Dunder-Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner.
"Let me tell you something. Something from the heart.
"I am not leaving this office.
"It will take a SWAT team
"to remove me from this office,
and maybe not even that."
Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
That's how devoted I am to this job.
- I'm just saying. - I know.
They would flank you, throw in a concussion grenade.
I understand that, Dwight. - You'd be on the ground...
Do you think you're taking it a little...
literally, Dwight?
And now we're wasting tape.
I'm gonna have to cut this all out.
Can you say "cut"... - Cut.
So I know where to... - Cut.
I'm asking Pam to do it, please.
Cut. Okay, ready?
Kevin, what's four plus seven?
Eleven.
Yeah, well, you didn't know that
when you filled out this payroll form.
Yeah, well, at least I didn't suck at customer relations.
Ooh, yes!
Facial!
Yes.
You two are apes.
I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.
I'm sorry.
That you're both morons.
But you still said, "I'm sorry."
I called you morons. Still said it.
Still said it, so...
Five, four, three.
"There is no way
"I will resign.
"It wouldn't be fair.
"Not to the good workers I work with,
"not to my clients,
"and especially not to me.
"Let's not forget
"who this whole resigning business is about, anyway.
"If I could leave you with one thought,
"remember... it wasn't me.
"They're trying to make me an escape goat.
"If I am fired, I swear to God
"that every single piece of copier paper in this town
"is going to have the F-word on it.
The F-word."
You have one day.
One day for what?
That's... they always give an ultimatum.
Okay.
Good? Cut.
Cut.
That was your best apology video ever.
I thought so too.
Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown.
I thought maybe you'd like to sign it.
Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her.
She's got some children.
I feel terrible about Debbie Brown.
She got fired because of Dwight.
So I thought I'd pass around a good-bye card.
Maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks
to help her through these difficult times.
Why do bad things always happen to the good people?
It's tragic. Just tragic.
You want music?
I don't care.
Come on, man. Just give it a couple days.
I think you'll be all right.
Yeah.
You know what? I-I don't...
Sweet.
Pam?
Hey, Dwight.
You look really nice today.
Psh! I look like an idiot.
Hey, Karen.
Hey, Dwight. Lookin' sharp.
Yeah, that's 'cause I'm...
your boyfriend, Jim Halpert.
Hey, Karen,
and have sexual intercourse, 'cause you're my girlfriend?
- Do you? - No.
- Okay. - I'm good. Thanks.
Look at that.
I'm Jim Halpert.
Spot on.
Blah, blah, a little comment.
Yeah.