The Office (2005–2013): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Negotiation - full transcript

So, do you want to see it or not?
I don't know.
I don't like Friday night crowds.
Oh, my God. You're, like, agoraphobic.
Agoraphobic?
- Really? - Yeah!
You would rather sit on your couch
then go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.
Absolutely correct.
Later, Jim.
- Kev, have a good weekend. - Bye.
Okay, so this is what's gonna happen.
And we're gonna go to dinner... - Okay.
And then we're gonna go to the movies.
- Sounds good. - Hey, Halpert!
Hey.
Roy! Ahh!
Roy, don't!
God!
Pam, please call security.
Every day for eight years,
I have brought pepper spray into this office
to protect myself and my fellow employees.
And every day for eight years,
people have laughed at me.
Well. Who's laughing now?
No need for consternation. Everything is under control.
Michael, last Friday
one of your employees
attacked another employee in your office.
It was a crime of passion, Jan,
not a disgruntled employee.
Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Is Toby there?
- No. - I'm here, Jan.
Wh-what is the situation, Toby?
Well, we fired Roy, obviously.
And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.
- Thank God. - Yeah.
Um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with...
No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months
and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.
All right, well, are you gonna take care of this?
Yeppers.
What did I tell you about "yeppers?"
I don't remember.
I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Ye... sh.
I really don't want to talk about it.
I don't mean to be rude,
but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened.
It sucked.
I guess... all things considered...
I was lucky Dwight was there.
And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray,
and not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.
Hey, man, I never got a chance to thank you.
For stopping Roy.
"Thank you" not necessary, and thus not accepted.
I saw someone breaking the law, and I interceded.
Okay.
Um... got you something.
Don't want it.
Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it.
Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.
It was a little glass display case for his bobble head.
That would have made his evening, I think.
He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy.
Even Steven.
No, don't call me a hero.
Do you know who the real heroes are?
The guys who wake up every morning
and go into their normal jobs,
and get a distress call from the commissioner,
and take off their glasses and change into capes,
and fly around fighting crime.
Those are the real heroes.
Angela.
Roy's check, he's coming in later to pick it up.
Man...
I cannot believe I missed the fight.
It was crazy.
You saw it? Describe it, please.
Well...
I heard some shouting.
And I look over, and Roy's by reception.
And you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody.
Jim says something.
Roy stomps all over there.
All of a sudden... bam!
Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there
like an action hero.
Oh!
It was insane.
Well... good for Dwight.
Okay, I want you to be Darryl
and ask me for a raise,
because I need to try out
some of these negotiation tactics on you.
Where'd you get that?
Wikipedia.
Wikipedia is the best thing ever.
Anyone in the world
can write anything they want about any subject.
So you know you are getting
the best possible information.
Okay, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Hey, Mike, since Roy left
I've been doing a lot more work,
Hmm, well, that's interesting, Darryl.
I think...
that maybe you should...
I can't hear you.
What I'm saying is that...
Still nothing.
Okay, see what I did? - No.
By leaning back and by whispering,
I established a dominant physical position.
Nice.
Okay, let's try another one. - Okay.
Walking out of the room unexpectently.
And what happens in this one?
That's a surprise.
- Go ahead, ask me for a raise. - Can I have a raise?
Sex, Steve Martin, Teri Hatcher. What?
What did you say?
I didn't say anything, I'm waiting to see what happened.
This is interesting, what your given.
I saw the perpetrator advance towards the victim,
at a high rate of speed.
His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked,
indicating an attack position.
Perp grabbed the victim,
I removed my weapon
from its secure hiding place.
- Which is where? - Irrelevant.
Discharged it at a distance
of a little over a meter,
Into the perpetrators eyes, nose and face area.
Rendering him utterly and completely disabled.
Then I contacted the authorities.
The end.
Thanks, Dwight.
That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
I can't imagine what I would've done.
I do.
You would've left me to fend for myself.
Like the time we were on the Ferris wheel
and that kid dropped a milkshake on me
and you just laughed.
Well, that was funny. That's why.
Oh, it was? - Mm-hmm.
that you think a murderer is in your apartment
in the middle of the night
and you call me to calm you down...
Can you stop?
Because I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan, I'm not.
There's a bunch of people back there maybe.
I call you in the middle of the night
to tell you that I love you. - Guys?
I don't think Michael intended to punish me
by putting Ryan back here with Kelly.
But if he did intend that... wow.
Genius.
Yeah.
You ready for me?
Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat.
You know what?
Actually, let's go into the conference room.
- Okay. - No, you know what? Let's stay here.
No, let's go to the con...
Yeah, let's go to the conference room.
Tactic number six.
Change the location of the meeting
at the last second.
Totally throws 'em off.
Number 14. Declining to speak first.
Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.
I am declining to speak first.
Okay, I'll start.
It's pretty simple really.
I, um, I think I deserve a raise.
I'm scheduled to get one in six months,
but I'd like that to be moved up to now.
Hmm.
Ohh, Darryl.
You are a good worker and a good man.
I just... you know, times are tight.
And I just don't think
corporate's going to go for this right now.
Are you wearing lady clothes?
What?
Are you wearing lady clothes?
Those look like lady pants.
No, this is a power suit.
That there's a woman's suit.
I do not buy women's clothes.
Would not make that mistake again.
I'm gonna call Roy, man. - Okay.
This is gonna make him feel better. - All right.
This is too good!
All right, you know what?
Pam, would you please tell Darryl
that this is not a woman's suit.
Oh, my God. That's a woman's suit.
You're wearing a woman's suit?
No, I do... I wear men's suits.
Okay, I got this out of a bin.
There were these huge bins of clothes,
and everybody was rifling through them like crazy,
and I grabbed one.
And it fit.
So I don't think
that is totally just a woman's suit.
At the very least it's bisexual.
Who makes it?
Um, MISSterious.
And it is mysterious,
because the buttons are on the wrong side.
That's the mystery.
It's got shoulder pads.
And did you see that lining?
Okay, would you stop it, please?
So, none of that tipped you off?
It's a European, okay? It's a European cut.
Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.
No, they don't. See?
Italians don't wear pockets.
It's been a really rough couple of days.
This helps a little.
Maybe you want to come over and raid my closet.
No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.
Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.
Let's just do this in 15.
Okay. Can you stand right there for one second.
I gotta send some emails.
Negotiations are all about controlling things.
About being in the driver's seat.
And... you make one tiny mistake, you're dead.
I made one tiny mistake.
I wore women's clothes.
So Karen, how do you feel
that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass
over another woman?
I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.
You must have been scared out of your mind.
It happened so fast, I didn't have time to be scared.
What happened exactly?
I wasn't here,
so I haven't really heard the whole story.
Um, well, Jim and I were talking.
Mm-hmm.
And Roy walked in looking super angry.
And he's a big dude, you know?
And all of a sudden,
Jim pushed me out of the way.
And Roy cocked his fist.
Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.
Goodness.
When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed.
My reaction was to have lots of long talks
with Jim about our feelings.
Roy just attacked him.
I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.
Let's get down to business.
Why don't you tell me
why you think you deserve a raise.
Well, it's simple Mike. We merged these two branches, right?
So now, we're shipping twice as many orders as we used too.
With Roy gone, we have a smaller crew,
and I'm picking up all his slack.
So, I think I should be compensated, fairly, by getting a raise.
Those are very good points.
What? I can't hear you.
Those are very good points.
I can't. What? Mike, are you...
You make very compelling arguments.
Sorry I almost got you killed.
Yeah.
That was nuts.
He could have broken your nose or something.
Crazy.
It's just so stupid.
I mean, getting back with Roy and everything.
I mean, what was I thinking, right?
No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Not anymore.
It's, um... it's completely over now.
We'll see.
I'm sure you guys'll...
find your way back to one another someday.
Jim...
I am really... sorry.
Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.
I'm going to give you a piece of paper.
I want you to write down how much you want,
then I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Why can't I just tell you?
Because, that is the way these things are done.
In films.
No, slide... slide it, yes.
There you go.
Oh...
Come on... be serious.
I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise.
That's what I want.
I can't give you that.
I-I don't make this much.
Come on, be for real, Mike.
I don't.
I'll prove it to you.
There is a pay stub.
Are you serious? You're earning this?
Plus perks, yes.
Mike, this is barely more than I make.
You've been here ten years, dog.
14 years.
Hoho!
No, please... please don't...
Some of my folks got to hear about this one.
Ah.
Okay, let's take 15 again.
A boss's salary isn't just about money.
It is about perks.
It... for example,
every year, I get a $100 gas card.
Can't put a price tag on that.
Okay, if you don't want a gift at least let me buy you a beer,
or lunch or something.
When Han Solo returns to the Death Star
in the Millennium Falcon,
and shoots down the Tie Fighter and saves the rebel cause...
Do you think he does so for a free beer?
- Boy, I... - No!
And why are you so interested in buying me something, Jim
What's your angle?
It's like when he annoys me and I want ot screw with him to get him back.
He never sees it coming.
But now I want to be nice to him and actually give him something.
He's like an eel, I just can't grab onto him.
It's infuriating.
Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Yes, that's probably what it is.
So, what do I do?
Hmm.
I don't know. Maybe you should
go back out there and sell paper, so we can go on a trip.
Michael.
Hmm?
Here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.
- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.
I heard you might need it.
So... just take it.
Here's the $40 you gave me.
I didn't give you $40.
In a way you did.
Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes.
I still think he's way overpaid.
14 years. 14.
I know.
Okay, I gotta go. Late.
Okay.
Okay, here's the straight dope.
No tricks, no Wikipedia.
What?
I talked to corporate,
and they told me
that I can only give you a 5% raise.
That's 'cause of you, Mike.
They're not gonna give the working man
more than the boss.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Get your own raise.
You gotta get out there and earn, son.
I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now.
That is ridiculous.
Well when they merged the two branches together,
they put you in charge.
Okay, and we shippin' more now than we ever have.
That's true.
You gotta call your girl... and get paid.
Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
You know what? I should.
Yeah you should.
I have been an loyal employee for a long time.
14 years long.
You know what? I deserve a bump.
Make it happen, Captain.
I am makin' it happen... Sergeant.
I remember it was very late at night, about 11:00 or 11:30
Big fellow came in screaming about God knows what,
I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car.
The big fellow pulls out a sock full of nickels.
Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter.
You're useless.
We'll talk next month after the quarter ends.
No, Jan.
I've never asked for a raise in 14 years.
This is long overdue.
I wanna do it today.
Today? All right.
Well, if you want to do it today...
We should do it in person and can you get here by Five?
Yeah! yeah, I'll leave right away.
Well, uh, listen, because of our, uh, situation,
we're gonna need to have a third party present.
Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
D-Darryl from the warehouse?
Mm-hmm. No, Michael.
We... we need an H.R. rep.
So uh, you should just bring Toby.
Hey... I'd rather kill myself.
Michael, he's your branch's H.R. rep.
- Toby is terrible. - And we need someone else in the room
- Toby is the worst human being - because of our relationship.
- I've ever known... You know this. - Michael!
Either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it.
Fine.
- You are so mean. - I don't know what you're talking about.
Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You call me "stupid."
Toby, come on, let's go.
Where? Where?
I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer.
Come on, let's go.
All right.
- Comfortable, Mike? - Yeah.
- What about you? You comfortable? - No.
Don't ever touch a black man's radio!
Chris Tucker. Rush Hour.
You know?
I won't touch yours, by the way.
Thank you. Well...
I haven't been to New York in a long time.
Maybe I'll stay overnight.
Got a cousin live down there.
How would we get home?
Oh, you could stay too. He's got a big place.
- Maybe I'll stay. - It's not that big.
The busses will get ya home quick.
And then all of a sudden, Dwight stood up
and was like, "No!"
Then what'd he do?
Well, you should just read the report that Toby did.
He took everyone's stories.
Customer Service, this is Kelly.
Yes, I can help you with that.
Let me pull up your file.
Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper.
Oh, 12 reams.
Hey, guys.
Jan is ready for you.
Okay.
And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.
Yes, sir! Remember that.
I'll be right outside if you need me.
All right.
I want him to get the raise.
I...just can't help myself.
Hey, man, uh...
I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Can I, like...
see you after work for coffee or something?
I don't know.
Please.
I just got some stuff I gotta say to you.
Jim!
Roy. Look out!
Thanks, Kev. I'm... good, though.
Thank you, Hunter.
Hello, come in.
Who's the boy toy?
My new assistant.
Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek
I have to call you when I get a new assistant now?
It would be nice to get a memo, We are lovers.
Hi, Jan.
Hi, Toby.
First off, Michael, this a salary negotiation.
All matters regarding our personal relationship
have to be set aside.
Are we clear?
Bippity boppity.
Right now, we can offer you a 6% raise.
6%? Mm-hmm.
After all we've been through?
Oh, God. I got you jade earrings.
- Michael... - No. No.
No. You're gonna play it like this?
You give me a good raise,
or no more sex.
What are you writing, perv-ball?
Just preparing for the deposition.
This may be the first time that a male subordinate
has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise
by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior.
It will be a groundbreaking case...
when it inevitably goes to trial.
I'm so sorry, Pammy.
I really wasn't gonna do anything.
But then I... kept thinking about you two together, and...
I just thought you guys were really good friends or...
or maybe he was gay or something.
Not that that's wrong.
I'm sorry too.
I just... I think that we both made some bad choices.
So you gonna start datin' Halpert, then?
Um... no.
No, he has a girlfriend.
Oh, yeah.
Wait a minute, you broke off our wedding for the guy.
No.
There were a lot of reasons.
You mean you're not even gonna try to go out with him?
I don't get you, Pam.
I know.
What's this?
What's what?
"Certificate of Bravery
"from the Scranton Police Department.
"Recognizing outstanding citizenship
from a very brave young man, Dwight K. Schrute"?
Wow, I guess word got around.
That's a nice honor.
Please, they hand these out to little kids.
Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.
Mm... didn't think you'd notice.
Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart.
This is me, Jan. This is me!
Michael, why don't we just take a break?
Okay.
No, no, no, no.
You do not try tactic number 8 on me.
I invented tactic number 8.
Okay, Toby how about if you... - Sure.
What's wrong with you?
Ohh. It was a weird day.
I accidentally cross-dressed.
And then Darryl made me feel bad
for not making any money.
And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby.
And then...
your assistant,
is all young and hot...
Okay, Michael...
I can offer you a 12% raise.
But...
you have got to ask for 15.
That's ridiculous. I'm never gonna make...
No, just...
I just need you to ask for it...
so I can record that you asked for it.
'Kay?
Ah, so...
All right, Levinson.
Here's the rub.
I would like a 15% raise.
No! But we can offer you 12.
But you just said 15.
Negotiation is an art.
Back and forth, give and take.
And today, both Darryl and I took something.
Higher salaries. Win, win, win.
But, you know, life is about more
than just salary.
It's about... perks.
Like having sex with Jan.
Michael!
I've been doing some very interesting reading.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Tales of bravery.
Hmm. Good stuff?
Mm-hmm.
I was thinking tonight, we could...
read it together.
That sounds...
fun.
I...
will never say a word.
And now... we are even.
I graduated from anger management the same way
I graduated from Cornell... on time.
Now I'm back, got a second chance,
and I'm not gonna blow it.
So look out, Dunder-Mifflin!
I mean "look out" in a fun way.
You know, not like, "I'm gonna hurt you."
Hey, guys!
Guess who's back?
Aah! Aah!
Ohh, God!
No need to thank me.
I am not a hero.
I am a mere defender of the office.
You know who's a real hero?
Hiro from "Heroes."
That's a hero.
Also Bono.