The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 10 - Christmas Party - full transcript

Go. In the door.
Push!
Oh, God. Push.
No no no! Turn it around.
Turn it around. You're breaking...
Shove it through!
You shove it.
Shove it back!
Here we go.
Don't break the branches, Dwight.
Ah, I got a splinter.
Well, suck it up. We all have problems.
Hey, everybody!
Look what we have!
Nice, huh?
I've got it leveraged. Push!
One, two, three!
Ah!
Merry Christmas!
Did it work?
Well, sort of.
Why did you get it so big?
That's what she said.
And B: I wanted it to be impressive.
The biggest day of the year
deserves the biggest tree of the year.
But what are we gonna do with this hacked off part?
Well, that is perfectly good mini tree, Kevin.
And we are going to sell that to charity.
That's what Christmas is all about.
So this year, for the first time ever,
I got Pam in Secret Santa.
And I got her this teapot
which I know she really wants.
So she can make tea at her desk,
but I'm also gonna stuff it with some inside jokes.
Like, this is my high school yearbook photo.
She saw it at the party.
And it really makes her laugh.
I'm not sure why.
Um, what else?
Ooh, this is a hot sauce packet.
She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago
because she thought it was catsup.
And it was really funny, so I kept the other two.
This would take a little too long to explain.
So I won't.
And this is a card.
Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.
Is there anything we're missing?
Phyllis, you got the lights?
Yes, I got those cute little ones.
Do you think I should have gotten the big ones?
We'll see.
Angela drafted me into the party planning committee.
Her memo said that we need to
prepare for every possible disaster.
Which, to me, seems... excessive.
Merry Christmas!
Ho ho ho! Pimp!
I'm kidding!
What do we got? What do we got?
How many plates are we getting?
50. Ooh, double it.
Double everything. Double ice cream.
Double napkins. Double it.
On me.
It was a tough year.
I had to fire somebody this year.
This party has to really rock.
Check it out.
Christmas bonus, 3,000 Gs.
I got this for helping save the company money.
So I guess some good came out of
firing Devin after all.
Maybe I should call him, tell him that.
I want people to cut loose.
I want people...
making out in closets.
I want people hanging from the ceilings,
lampshades on the heads.
I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party.
And also, I want you to know,
and spread the word,
that I will have my digital camera.
And I will be taking pictures all the way.
And the best and craziest thing that happens
will be on the cover of the newsletter.
Incentive.
You do realize
that we can't serve liquor at the party.
Yeah, I know. Dammit.
Stupid corporate wet blankets.
Like booze ever killed anybody.
One, two, three.
You guys should use a hand truck.
Do we have one?
No.
Will you help me?
No!
No way. It... no.
Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat.
For just a couple of hours.
You wanna be Santa? Yeah.
Have you ever seen Santa?
Yeah, I've seen Santa. Who cares?
Well, I'm sorry.
It just doesn't work.
Michael, I would like to be the elf.
That makes sense, because he has elfish features.
Okay, everyone, listen up!
It is time to get your presents,
wrap them, and place them under the tree like so.
If you do not get your present
wrapped and under the tree
within the next five minutes...
you will be disqualified from Secret Santa.
All right? No exceptions.
Except Michael.
I got Angela.
She's into these posters of babies
dressed as adults.
I got her one of those.
I felt kind of weird buying that.
I got Creed.
And to tell you the truth,
I don't know anything about Creed.
I know his name's Creed.
I know he works right over there.
I think he's Irish and I...
I got him this shamrock keychain.
I got myself for Secret Santa.
I was supposed to tell somebody,
but I didn't.
You get something good this year?
Uh, I think I did a pretty good job.
Yeah? Who'd you have?
I can't tell you, 'cause it's a secret.
I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.
Yeah? Spent a lot of dough.
A lot of dough. Wow.
Well, there's a $20 limit, right?
Yeah, I wanted this party to be really special
so I sorta went above and beyond.
That's great... well, don't tell me who it is...
It was Ryan!
Yep, I have Ryan.
Gather 'round.
Secret Santa. Let's go.
Let's go. Come on.
Stanley... no, I'm gonna handle the cord, okay?
Safety reasons.
I know how to plug something in.
I wanna do it.
All right, let's count it down
like Rockefeller Center.
Ready?
Three, two, one.
Yeah!
Not great.
Sorry, everybody.
I think the tree looks nice.
Hey, I could get some flares from my car.
No, no.
Shake it off, everybody.
Just... let's do Secret Santa.
Presents are the best way to show someone
how much you care.
It is like this tangible thing
that you can point to and say,
"Hey, man, I love you...
this many dollars worth."
First present, Oscar.
A shower radio, neat.
Oh, great, that was from me.
Thanks, Kelly.
You know, I was gonna get one of these...
Okay, okay, that's enough.
Let's keep it moving on.
Jim.
Oh, cool.
That's from me.
Great. Where'd you get it?
I don't know, it was so long ago.
He obviously forgot to get me something.
And then he went into his closet
and dug out this little number.
And then threw it in a bag.
Yep, that's exactly what happened.
Pam.
Oh, my God!
Thank you very much, Santa.
Whoever you are. It's awesome.
There's a little more to it.
All right, next.
Ryan.
No!
Whoa. Video iPod.
Ho ho, wow, geez.
Somebody really got carried away
with the spirit of Christmas.
It was me.
I got carried away with the spirit.
Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gifts?
This is 400 bucks.
You don't know that.
Yeah, you left the price on.
I did... what? Oh, shoot.
Wow, okay.
Well, who cares?
It doesn't matter what I spent.
What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?
Michael.
Oh, hey. For me?
What is in here?
Oh, come on.
I knitted it for you.
An oven mitt?
So Phyllis is basically saying,
"Hey, Michael, I know you did a lot
"to help the office this year.
"But I only care about you
a homemade oven mitt's worth."
I gave Ryan an iPod.
Uh, should we just keep opening up the presents?
We don't do anything
until Michael gives us further instructions.
I got it!
We are going to turn Secret Santa
into Yankee Swap!
What is Yankee Swap?
One person chooses a gift.
The next person can either choose a gift
or steal that person's gift.
If your gift gets stolen, then you can
steal someone else's gift or choose a new gift.
I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.
Yeah, we call it White Elephant.
Well, I call it fun!
Why are we doing this?
Because it's better. Because it's more special.
It sounds mean.
Shut...
No... it's not.
Okay, just give it a shot.
Michael should have asked
the party planning committee first.
He's not just supposed to just
spring things on us out of nowhere.
Okay, Meredith is up first.
Here's the deal.
You can either pick a new gift,
or you can steal somebody else's gift
they've already gotten.
Like the oven mitt.
I'll take the teapot.
Oh, shouldn't we...
I bought that specifically for Pam.
Yaaankee Swap.
That's what makes it fun.
Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now.
I'll take the iPod.
And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice?
Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt,
the old shirt, or the shower radio.
Or pick a new gift.
That was meant for Kelly.
Yeah, I figured.
I think this is going great.
Yikes.
Well, it's for Angela, so...
That's like the creepiest thing
that I've ever seen.
Angela, you're up.
I'll take the poster.
Some people like these.
I will steal the iPod.
Everyone wants the iPod.
It is a huge hit.
It is almost a Christmas miracle.
Ah, well, Oscar, you little gourmand,
you have the next turn.
I'll take the teapot.
Dammit.
Okay, moving along,
Meredith, let's go.
I really want the iPod.
A-ca-ca-ca. It's already been stolen
this round, pick something else.
I hope nobody takes this baby,
'cause this is great.
Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship.
Somebody really put a lot of work into that.
It's beautiful.
I'll take the oven mitt.
Ssssssssucka!
See, I wanted somebody to take it.
Boom. Reverse psychology.
Reverse psychology is an awesome tool.
I don't know if you guys know about it.
But, basically, you make someone think
the opposite of what you believe.
And that tricks them into doing something stupid.
Works like a charm.
In addition to these paint ball pellets,
your gift includes two paintball lessons
with Dwight Shroot.
You and me, Michael. Yes!
Who wants to take paintball lessons?
How is that better than an iPod?
I never said it was better than an iPod.
Michael keeps bragging about his iPod.
But, you know what?
Two paintball lessons with someone
as experienced as I am,
is worth, easily, like, two grand.
Take, that, Saddam.
Last gift, Kevin.
I want the footbath.
That's the thing I bought myself.
I'm really psyched to use it.
Maybe I should have taken the iPod.
Oh, shoot.
Pam, steal something or pick the final gift.
I want the iPod. Dammit.
Sure you don't want the teapot?
I mean, it's an iPod.
Right. Sorry.
No no, definitely.
Okay, well, I guess I will take
that book of short stories.
Yes! There you go.
I want the teapot. Gracias.
You gotta be kidding me.
Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets...
Christmas.
What is she so upset about?
Maybe because you hated her present so much.
Come on... I think Yankee Swap was a big hit.
I think it was a success.
And I'm the one who ended up
with Dwight's stupid paint ball pellets.
Yeah, but Michael, the point is
is that we all bought gifts for specific people.
And you should have just bought a $20 gift
like everyone else.
Well, I didn't!
I got a big bonus because I fired Devin,
and I used the money to buy something awesome.
Sue me!
You got a bonus check?
How much?
Uh, it wasn't...
It wasn't that much.
It was 3,000.
All right, I'm done now.
Unbelievable.
I do the nicest thing that anyone's ever done
for these people and they freak out.
Well, happy birthday, Jesus.
Sorry your party's so lame.
That comes to 166.41.
All right, now, you're the expert.
Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
15 bottles of vodka?
Yeah, that should do it.
Cool cool, box it up.
I bought this teapot for Pam,
and I know she really wants it.
So can I trade you for it?
No trades. Come on.
It's a shamrock keychain. Good luck.
A real man makes his own luck.
Billy Zane, Titanic.
Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight.
Can I buy it from you?
No, I want it. I'm going to use it.
You don't even drink tea.
True, but I get sinus infections.
And sinus infections can be cured
by making a tea from green tea leaf stems
and pouring it directly into your nose like so.
To think that my gift to Pam
will be used for that...
it's a little too much to handle.
It's a little too much to handle.
This is awesome.
I know, it's totally gonna change the way
I work out.
Yeah, and I was gonna get you one of these
for Christmas. Now I don't have to.
I'm gonna save a ton of money.
So what are you gonna get me instead?
I don't know.
Probably like a sweater or something.
Uh oh, looks like Santa was a little naughty.
What is that?
This is Christmas spirit.
As in spirits. Booze.
We can drink?
We're really not supposed to serve alcohol.
Zip it, Toby.
Just... I mean, it's a party, come on.
If I can't throw a good party for my employees,
then I am a terrible boss.
Who wants a drink? Me, please.
Go! Here we go!
The deal is that this is my last hurrah.
'Cause I made a New Year's resolution
that I'm not gonna drink anymore
during the week.
Hi, guys.
Uh, does everyone know my boyfriend
Bob Vance?
Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance. Vance refrigeration.
Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance. Vance refrigeration.
Ryan Howard. Bob Vance.
Vance refrigeration.
What line of work are you in, Bob?
What line of work are you in, Bob?
I got... I lost Culpepper at TO, it was over, man.
Oh yeah, I need McNabb and Deon Branch
to have big games or else I'm done.
It's possible.
I can't believe you traded Sean Alexander, man.
I had to, I needed defense.
Come on! Sean Alexander?
He's the best back in the league!
Defense. Oh, no, that's not worth it.
It is worth it.
Are you kidding? You wait.
Anybody making out in here?
No yet, give it time.
Oh, hey, Ebenezer.
Boink.
Okay, how's it going in here?
We're running low on cups.
Do you want me to just run out and...
No no no no no.
We'll find some. Don't leave the party.
One, two, three!
Gaah! Ho ho ho!
Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee!
Oh, no, I really did not do anything.
No false modesty, my friend.
You know, you don't have to answer calls
during a party.
Just thought you should know.
No, I was just, um, checking out my present.
I traded with Dwight.
Um, just... I figured, you know,
you went to a lot of trouble and that means a lot.
And also Roy got me an iPod
or was going to get me an iPod, so...
Well, either way.
This is an amazing gift because it comes with
bonus gifts.
Look inside.
Oh, my God!
The yearbook picture!
Yeah, I think I made the right choice.
Oh, my God. This is incredible.
Is this the bottle timer?
I didn't think you were gonna get that one.
I really didn't know.
This is so awesome.
Not bad... and if it couldn't go to Ryan,
you are the guy I'd want it to go to.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Merry Christmas, Asswipe. No way!
Oh, you're kidding me. Packer!
Yes!
Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen.
What's up, my nerds?
Check it out! Oh, no.
Oh, look at that!
Icing on the cake!
Pacman need a drinky.
Oh, let's fix you up.
Who wants to fix up... Toby?
Toby's gonna fix you up.
Whoo! Yeah.
Daryl, here you go.
You earned it.
No no no no no, I really want you to have it.
All right. Thanks, man.
Hey, Merry Christmas.
Whose butt is that?
Mine.
Oh, how did I not guess that?
Lampshade on the head!
It's happening!
Hey. Oh, hello there.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
You shouldn't do things like that.
The man is supposed to do that.
Thanks for the party, Michael.
Listen up, we're going to Poor Richards.
Who's in? I'm in.
Yes. Michael?
Poor Richards?
Yeah, that sounds good.
Christmas is awesome.
First of all,
you get to spend time with people you love.
Secondly, you can get drunk
and no one can say anything.
Third, you give presents.
What's better than giving presents?
And fourth, getting presents.
So four things.
Not bad for one day.
It's really the greatest day of all time.
Hey, Meredith, heading over to Poor Richard's?
Yep. Cool cool cool.
You need a ride?
All right, let's head out.
Sounds good. Do you have a coat?
Yeah.
Ohhhhhhkay.