The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 11 - Booze Cruise - full transcript

Hey.
Hello.
Jim!
- What's up, buddy? - This is not funny.
Why is my stuff in here?
Wow, that's weird.
Ooh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.
Yeah, well I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay?
I know you did this 'cause you're friends
with the, uh, vending machine guy.
Who Steve?
- Yeah, Steve. - Oh, sorry.
- Or whatever his name is. - What do I want?
Ooh, it's a pencil cup.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's my pencil cup.
Um, I don't think so, I just bought it.
Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me.
I love these.
Okay, fine.
My wallet?
Um.
Oh, there it is. J1.
- Here, you know what? - I don't have any...
You can have some nickels.
5, 10.
15, 20, 25...
Hello, everyone.
Morning, Michael.
Where are we going this afternoon?
Nah, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo.
"It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event.
"So pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush,
"rubber-soled shoes,
and a ski mask."
A ski mask and a swimsuit?
So that he can have us rob a bank
and then escape through the sewers.
And brush our teeth.
Yeah?
Michael.
Stanley... bo banley.
I need to know...
Banana fanna fo fanley.
- What we're doing. - Me mi mo manley.
You said bring a toothbrush.
Stanley.
Is this an overnight?
Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it?
Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow?
Maybe, I don't know.
Not maybe, yes or no.
Well, no, but... okay, don't spoil it for everybody.
All right?
But, we are going on a booze cruise
on Lake Wallempaupack.
In January.
It's cheaper.
This is not just another party.
This is a leadership training exercise.
Right?
I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation
and education into a single, mind-blowing experience.
It is now time to unveil
the destination of this year's retreat.
We are going on a harbor cruise
of Lake Wallempaupack.
It's a booze cruise.
All right.
I have a test for business school tomorrow night.
Is it okay if skip the cruise and study for that?
No, this is mandatory.
But don't worry, you know what?
You're going to learn plenty.
This is going to turn your life around, Ryan.
I'm already in business school.
Wait, Michael?
Yeah?
Um, why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?
To throw you off the scent.
Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.
Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
I took the tags off already.
Well, that's not my fault, okay?
Just... we're not going to pay for a bathing suit.
Okay.
I know what you're all thinking.
Who is this smart little cookie?
Her name is Brenda...
something, and she is from corporate.
And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.
I am a great motivational speaker.
I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and...
It wasn't the actual course.
You have to pay for the actual course.
But, it talked about the actual course.
And I've incorporated
a lot of his ideas into my own course.
Leader... ship.
The word ship is hidden inside the word leadership,
as its derivation.
So, if this office is in fact a ship,
as its leader...
I am the captain.
But...
We're all in the same boat.
Teamwork.
Last year, Michael's theme was "bowl over the competition."
So, guess where we went?
Now, on this ship that is the office,
what is the sales department?
Anyone?
How about the sales department is the sails?
Yes, Daryl.
The sales department makes sales.
Good.
Let me just explain.
I see the sales department
as the furnace.
- A furnace? - Yeah.
Yeesh, how old is this ship?
How about the anchor?
What does the furnace do?
All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace.
This just...
It's the sales...
I see the sales department are down there.
They're in the engine room
and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right?
I mean who saw the movie Titanic?
They were very important in the movie Titanic.
Who saw it? Show of hands.
Not really sure what movie you're talking about.
You sure you got the title right?
Titanic.
I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
No, I'm...
Leo DiCaprio, come on!
Michael stands in the front of the boat
and says that he's king of the world within the first hour,
or I give you my next paycheck.
Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
No... thank you, spoiler alert.
You saw the movie, those of you who did.
They're happy down there in the furnace room.
And they're dirty and grimy
and sweaty.
And they're singing their ethnic songs.
And... actually, that might be Warehouse.
What?
The... no...
No, I didn't...
Okay, well, the...
Okay, in a nutshell what I'm saying is leadership.
We'll get... we'll talk more about that on the boat.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Pam, you are Mary Ann.
We have...
The Professor and Ginger.
Welcome aboard.
Angela, you are Mrs. Howell.
Lovey.
Uh, the native.
Sometimes they come from neighboring...
Oh, uh, we have, uh...
one of the Globetrotters.
I am the Skipper.
And Dwight, you will be Gilligan.
Cool.
Actually, I'm the Skipper.
Okay. But you could be Gilligan.
Oh, I'd rather die.
Hi. I am Michael Scott.
I am the Captain of this party.
I'm Captain Jack.
- I'm captain of the ship. - Ahh!
I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship.
Hi, welcome aboard.
Okay.
In an office, when you are ranking people,
manager is higher than captain.
On a boat, who knows?
It's nebul-ose.
Hey, look.
I'm king of the world!
Woo!
Woo!
Okay, all right.
Welcome aboard.
I am your captain, Captain Jack.
And I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin,
Michael Scott.
Welcome, welcome.
- Okay, so, um... - Okay, so.
Please... the, uh, life preservers.
They are located
underneath the seats all along the perimeter
But don't worry. of the boat.
You are not going to be needing life preservers tonight.
- Well, we might be, okay? - This is just gonna be...
- Please let me finish, okay? - Well...
Thank you.
So the Coast Guard requires
that I tell you where the safety exits are.
Now, on this ship, it's very easy.
Anywhere over the side.
Not only am I your ship's captain,
I am also your party captain!
Woo, we're going to get it going here in just a few minutes...
And I am your party captain too!
And you are going to put on your dancing shoes
later on. Hey, Mike, Mike.
So, we are gonna...
- Uh, if you don't mind. - Rock it... what?
Please, okay?
If the boat's a-rocking, don't come knocking.
Michael! Yup.
Uh, your company employees
are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?
We're all gonna have a good time tonight.
Hey, hey, listen, Mike.
Why don't you let me and my crew do our job?
You just sit back... Mm-hmm.
And have a good time, okay? Okay, yup.
All right?
You guys,
it's like we're in high school
and we're at the cool table.
Right?
Yeah.
Kim, were you a cheerleader?
No, she was total little Miss Artsy Fartsy in high school.
She wore the turtleneck and everything.
That's hilarious.
It's not hilarious, but...
Where'd you go to school?
Fisher Bohara.
"Piss la poo cares-uh?"
We played you.
You... you really look familiar.
Did you, uh... You cheered for them, didn't you?
Mm, no.
Yes, I did.
- Having fun? - Yeah.
Everybody's really nice.
Good, well, that is what Scranton is all about.
Not like you "New Yawkers."
When are you going to start the, uh...
What? The, uh, presentation?
Well, I already sort of started it back at the office
and on the dock with the Gilligan thing.
So, right now, I was thinking.
Yes.
Okay!
Listen up,
all you, Dunder Mifflinites!
I would like to talk
to you all about
life preservers.
Now, one important life preserver
in business is IT Support.
Not now Mike, we're doing the limbo!
That's right, partiers.
It's time to limbo, limbo, limbo.
So, okay. All right!
I need a volunteer
to come up here and hold my stick.
Huh, who's it gonna be?
Me. Me, me, me.
Me, me, me.
Uh.
Usually, it's a woman.
I'm stronger.
Hey, I got an idea.
How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight?
Keep us on a steady course.
Keep a sharp eye out, I'm counting on you.
I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history.
When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit
and fly the plane with him.
And I was four and I was great!
And I would have landed it,
but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
All right, all right.
That was great, now it's time for the dance contest!
Why don't we do that after I do my presentation and...
Nope.
Dance contest!
All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest.
Hit it!
Yeah, okay.
Dancing.
It is a primal art form used in ancient times
to express yourself with the body.
And communicate.
Sometimes you have to take a break
from being the kind of boss
that's always trying to teach people things.
Sometimes you have to just to be the boss of dancing.
Hey, come inside and talk to me.
I can't.
Do you want us to run aground, woman?
Snorkel shots, snorkel shots!
Snorkel shots, snorkel shots!
Snorkel shots!
Woo! Who's next?
Come on, Pammy, come on, come on!
No, I'm not doing that.
Come on!
Ay ay ay ay ay!
Tequila!
Woo! Oy!
That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, why don't we find,
like, a quieter place to hang out?
You know what, I've just got to wait for Daryl to do his shot.
Just a minute.
Come on, Daryl, Daryl!
It's getting kind of rowdy down there.
Yeah.
"Daryl, Daryl, Daryl."
Sometimes I just don't get Roy.
Well.
I mean, I don't know.
So.
What's it like dating a cheerleader?
Oh... um.
I'm cold.
So, what's this presentation all about?
Ah, see, this is of general interest.
It is about... priorities.
And making decisions
using the boat as an analogy.
What is important to you?
If the boat is sinking, what do you save?
Women and children.
No, no.
Salesmen and profit centers.
That's a stupid analogy.
Oh-kay, well, obviously,
you don't know anything about leadership.
Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat
during Desert Storm.
Wow, you should be the motivational speaker.
Him, oh-kay.
Yeah, he gives me real responsibility, Michael.
Captain Jack delegates.
He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.
I'd like to be engaged.
How did you manage to pull that off?
Um.
Uh, I've been engaged for three years
and there's no end in sight.
So, you don't want to ask my advice.
Suppose your office building's on fire.
Jim.
Who would you save?
Um... let's see, uh...
The customer.
'Cause the customer is king.
Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.
He's just sucking up.
When you were in the Navy,
did you, um, ever almost die?
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
And I wasn't thinking about
some customer.
I was thinking about my first wife.
The day I got back on shore, I married her.
You know what, I would save the receptionist.
I just, wanted to clear that up.
Hey, everybody,
could I have your attention for just a second?
Would you listen to me for a second?
Um, we were up at the front
and we were talking about what's really important and...
Pam, um...
I think enough is enough.
I think we should set a date for our wedding.
How about June 10th?
- Woo! - Come on, let's do it.
- Finally. - Come on, baby!
Oh, my God, congratulations!
Congratulations.
Yes!
Oh, my God!
I love you, baby. Come on!
Woo, congratulations!
You know what, I don't want to take credit for this.
But Roy and I were just having a conversation
about making commitments and making choices, right?
Did I motivate you?
No, it was, it was Captain Jack.
Well... Captain Jack!
Could have been either one of us
because, pretty much, we were saying the same thing.
Congratulations, that is great.
We gotta celebrate!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, I got an idea, I got an idea.
I can marry you right now as captain of the ship, huh?
Yes, I can marry you as Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin!
No, no, no, no, I want my mom and dad to be there.
Then, I'll give you away!
No, thank you.
Do you think that'll ever be us?
No.
What is wrong with you?
Why did you even bring me here tonight?
I don't know.
Let's break up.
Wh-what?
This is where old Captain Jack drives the boat.
Wow.
Seasick?
Captain Jack says you should look at the moon.
Captain Jack's a fart face.
I'm on medication.
Really, what?
Vomicillin.
Okay, all right, it's time to be bossy.
Time to motivate, let's blow some minds here.
Okay, guys, guys, guys, cool it.
Everybody.
Dunder Mifflin and Scranton employees.
Brenda.
I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody.
Right now, listen up.
The ship... is sinking.
Okay?
We're going down, right now.
Just wrap your heads around the reality of that.
What?
Shh, please, everybody, it's my turn now, okay?
Captain Jack is gone.
In five minutes, this ship is going to be
at the bottom of the lake.
And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboats.
Who are we going to save?
- Do we save sales? - No, no!
Do we save customer service?
Do we save accounting?
This is a business scenario, right?
Hey, hey!
It's a scary...
- What the hell's going on here? - It's a predicament.
Get outta here, what the...
And it's something that each and every one of us
have to think about.
I'm in the brig, see?
Boat size corporate friendly, as advertised.
What is the deal with the guy jumping overboard?
What was...
If he had just waited and heard what I had to say,
he would be motivated right now and not all wet.
Somebody there?
What happened to you?
Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Oh, right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking?
Yeah. He just totally lost it.
If you ask me, he caused the panic.
What a night.
Well, it was nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
She was always engaged.
Roy said the first one didn't count.
That's... great.
To tell you the truth, I...
used to have a big thing for Pam.
So.
Really, you're kidding me.
Y-you and Pam?
Wow.
I would have never... put you two together.
You really hid it well, God!
I usually have a radar for stuff like that.
You know, I made out with Jan.
Yeah, I know. Yeah, yup.
Well, Pam is cute.
Yeah.
She's really funny and...
She's warm and she's just...
Anyway.
Well, if you like her so much, uh, don't give up.
She's engaged.
Pfft... BFD!
Engaged ain't married.
Huh.
Never, ever, ever give up.
Don't worry, Michael.
I'm taking us to shore!
It's a fake wheel, dummy!