The Office (2005–2013): Season 2, Episode 9 - E-Mail Surveillance - full transcript

It is Friday morning.

And it is another beautiful day,

In Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Oh my God !

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

We have a serious problem here.

Alright everybody. Lock the doors.
Turn off the lights.

Pretend you're not here.

Are we in danger ?

There's no time to think about it. This is real.

Just shh, everybody.



Michael, should I call the...

What ?

The I.T. tech guy and me, did not
get off to a great start.

Synchro : Occeane
Transcript : Nikki

Yeah I tried to install it myself.

But, you guys have these things
so password-protected.

That just means you have
to enter your password.

What's your password, Michael ?

It's...

- 1, 2, 3, 4.
- Yes.

Michael !

- Sorry.
- Please don't do that.

Okay, I'm sorry. What is going
on in there ?

Why is he here ?



What are you doing?

I can't tell you.

- You have to tell me.
- I don't have to tell you anything.

Look, Michael.

I know you don't want
to have to think about this.

But if something were to happen to you,

God forbid, then I would need
to know in order to take over.

Dwight, nothing is going
to happen to me, okay ?

I'm in the best shape of my life.

Look at this.

Yeah, but that doesn't matter,
you could get a brain aneurysm.

- I'm not going to get a br-
- Or get hit by a car.

- Stop.
- Or a bus or a train.

You could get poisoned.
Fall down a well.

- Step on a mine. Choke.
- Okay,

If I step on a mine in
Scranton, Pennsylvania,

and die, you can have my job, okay ?

Why don't you just go away ?

There are certain things a boss
does not share with his employees.

His salary.

That would depress them.

His bed.

It...

And I am not going to tell them
that I'll be reading their e-mails.

- So how do you search ?
- By keyword phrase.

Try profits.

No, try Michael Scott.

Michael, boss, and funny.

Oh my God !

E-mail from Stanley.

Stanley, terribly nice guy.

"Sorry I didn't write back sooner."

"I can't go to the game tonight
because my boss, Michael is an ass"

"And making me stay late."

Well, Stanley's an ass.

Not one of our harder workers.

Hey, what's the deal Michael ?

Why are you spying on our computers ?

Oh, no. Everybody, Oscar's gone crazy.

What other ghost stories
have you got for us ?

That I'm a robot ?

I will destroy, everything in my path.

Actually, we just...

- Okay.

- Oil can. Oil can.

Tin man.

Actually we just got a memo from I.T,

saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.

Oh, what ?
No, that defeats the whole purpose.

So it's true ?
You have access to our e-mails ?

You know what the problem is ?

I think I do.

The problem is that when people
hear the term "Big Brother",

They immediately think
it's scary or bad.

But I don't, I think,
"Wow. I love my Big Brother".

I gotta erase a lot of stuff.

A LOT, of stuff.

Oh, hey. Just so you know.
If you have any sensitive e-mails,

they need to be deleted immediately.

- I know.
- Good.

Hey.

Something just happened.

Dwight just told Angela that she has
to delete all of her sensitive e-mails.

- Immediately !
- What ?

I know.

- Do you they're like...
- No.

Right, no.

Maybe.

It's like squishing a
spider under a book.

It's gonna be really gross.

But I have to look and make
sure that it's really dead.

So...

If you guys see anything.

Hey, Dwight ?

My friend is kind of into these
two girls that he works with.

Nice.

One is tall and brunette.

And the other is short and blond.

And perky and kind of judgmental.

Who do you think he should choose ?

Does he have access to
their medical records ?

I think on of the greatest things
about modern America,

is the computerization
of medical records.

As a volunteer sheriff,

I can look up anyone's psychiatric
records or surgical histories.

Yeast infections.

There are a huge number of
yeast infections in this county.

Probably,

because we're down river,
from that old bread factory.

Meredith has an E-vite, from Jim.

"Barbecue at Jim's tonight."

Tonight ?

Wonder where my e-vitation is ?

Click on guest list.

Angela, Stanley, Oscar...

Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed.

Must be...

No.

Hey, Angela. How's it going ?

It's okay.

Listen, are you bringing anyone
to Jim's party tonight ?

No. Are we supposed to ?

No. I mean, I don't know.
I don't think so.

Excuse me.

There's always a distance between
a boss and the employees.

It is just nature's rule.

It's intimidation, mostly.

It's the awareness that they are not me.

I do think that I am very...

approachable as one of the guys.

But maybe I need to be even approachabler.

- That's pretty.
- Yeah.

Are you going to eat with us ?

Of course. Hanging with my crew.

Crew that I am one of.

Hanging with my Cup of Noodles.

This is a meal in a cup, right here.

Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college.

Lived on this stuff.
Brain food.

You know what I really,
really miss about college ?

The parties.

Everybody'd go, the athletes,
the nerds, the professors.

The professors would go to the parties ?

Yeah. They were the most fun.

We always invited them.

It's true. I'm having a party.

I've got tree cases of imported beer.

Karaoke machine

And I didn't invite Michael.

So, three ingredients for a great party.

And it's nothing personal,
I just think that if he were there,

people wouldn't be able to
relax and you know, have fun.

And my roommate wants to meet everybody.

Because, I'm pretty sure he
thinks I'm making Dwight up.

He is very real.

What ?

Oh! Yes! Thank you.

Question.

On the internet, there are
several different options,

to get to your house
for the party tonight.

No, no, no. Keep that down.

Why ?

Because not everybody
knows about the party.

Like who ?
Who doesn't know ?

Michael.

Why just Michael ?

Because it's a surprise.

Is it ?

Oh, that's perfect.

So don't tell.

- I won't.
- Okay.

So, Dwight thinks that tonight
is a surprise party for Michael.

- Really ? That's great.
- I know.

Maybe we can get him
to hide and wait somewhere.

Oh man.

Oh, you know what ? Speaking of which,
I was just trying to get a handle on,

You know, the numbers
for food and stuff.

So do you think Roy's gonna come or...

Oh, no, he can't make it.

Oh, okay. Cool.

- Hey there.
- Hey.

Almost quitting time.

Yup. It's, 4:00.

One more hour to take care
of anything you forgot to do.

Hey, you know, I don't know
if you have any plans tonight.

But if you don't, we could hang out.

- I can't.
- You have plans ?

- Yeah, I do.
- Yeah, I do too, I do too.

- You do?
- Big plans. I do yeah.

Because you just...

- You wanted to hang out.
- Tonight, no I can't do it tonight.

Improv class. I have improv class.
Hanging out with...

- Really ?
- My improve buds.Yeah.

Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun.

Oh, it's the best. It's the best.

I would not miss it for the world.

But if something else came up,
I would definitely not go.

Improv sounds great.

It is.

Okay.

Alright.

What ?

I think Stanley just coughed.

Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk
you to your vehicular transport ?

- No thanks.
- Alright.

- Oscar, you have big plans tonight...
- I'm on a call.

Okay.

Kevin. Big man, big man !

What are you doing tonight ?
Where you off to ?

My brother is in town.

and we are going to see the
Alaska Film Festival...

- ...at the Si...
- Okay, alright.

Hey, Angela. Rushy, rushy.
Where you rushing off to ?

- I'm just leaving for the day.
- Yeah. Where are you headed ?

Charity. Bake Drive.

- Liar ! You are a liar.
- No, I'm not !

Dwight. Oh, Dwight, my loyal compadre.

You and I are hanging tonight.

The two of us. We are celebrating,
our freedom and our manhood.

You know what ? Why don't we watch that
show you've been wanting to watch?

That stupid Battleship Galaxy.

Battlestar Galactica ?

That's, whatever stupid show you
want to watch, we're watching it.

Unfortunately I've got plans.
I have to go to practice.

Soccer practice.

I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.

Clarinet.

You too, Dwight ?

Have fun tonight.

Whatever it is that you're doing.
And I'll see you Monday.

He has no idea.

Quick announcement everybody,
if I can get everybody's attention.

We do have wine in the kitchen.

And there is, ah, beer
available on the porch.

nd despite what you might think,
it's not all for Meredith and Kelly.

- So please enjoy.
- Jim !

You really think this is a good idea ?

A hide-a-key rock?

Hey, you must be Dwight.

- You don't work with us.
- That's because Mark's my roommate.

Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.

Thanks. Yeah.

I always keep an extra set in the car for special occasions.

Jim, come here.

When is the guest of honor coming ?

- Later-ish.
- He's going to love it !

Great.

I just wanted to let you guys know that
we will be taking the tour like I promised

Hey ! Just in time.

Do you want to go on a group tour ?
We were just about to leave.

Definitely.

Well, the group tour
is now leaving then.

Ladies and gentlemen !

Just a few things that we're going
to be pointing out to you today.

You will be able to see both bedrooms.

If we're lucky, maybe get a chance
to peek into the bathroom.

Who knows ? I have to remind you also
that flash photography is prohibited.

And as much as you can, please refrain from touching things.

I know you might want to.

Hey, is Katy coming ?

Actually, I haven't talked
to her in a while.

Is it cool if I call her?

We'll talk about that later.

Okay, let's get right into it.
I need two people for the first scene.

Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Kot-ter !

Okay, Michael. And...

Anybody ? How about Marybeth ?

- Okay.
- Come on.

- Okay, so you start us off, Marybeth.
-Alright, great.

Detective Michael Scarn,
I'm with the F.B.I.

Think about this.

What is the most exciting thing that can
happen on TV or in movies or in real life?

Somebody has a gun.

That's why I always start with a gun,
because you can't top it.

You just can't.

I'm supposed to meet my doctor here.

Have you seen him ?
He's a very angry midget.

Boom ! Freeze ! Michael Scoon, F.B.I.

You know what you did

Yeah, you thought you could get away
with your little ruse didn't you?

Didn't you ? Well, you didn't.

Because I know where you hid the diamonds.

I've been on to you and
your little friends for weeks.

I'm not even in the scene.

Stop, stop ! Stop.

- Okay, you shot me. Great. Stop.
- Why...

You can't just shoot
everyone in the scene.

if you hadn't stopped the scene,
you would've seen where it was going.

Okay. What about the scene the set up ?

No, it wasn't.

No more guns. No. No. Michael.

I want you to give me all
the guns you have.

Just get rid of all your
guns and give them to me.

Great.

Okay.

Jim's bedroom.

See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour.

Cool. This is your desk.

- This is my desk.
- Your home office ?

Home office. This is it.

Yeah. You have to sit down
so I can get the full effect.

Okay. Sure, will do.

Okay, wait. So that would make me...

Like right here.

Yeah.

Yep, that feels about right.

And then Dwight would be like...

You know what ?
Let's just leave that image out of it.

Because this is a happy place.

Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.

- Yearbook.
- Yeah, you don't have to.

Alright, yes, that's not
gonna be awkward at all.

Oh, yeah.

You were so dorky !

Thank you.

- Freeze !
- I'm in.

You want to go over the
rules one more time ?

No, no, no.

I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.

I promise it's worth it.

Oh, I can see you walking out of here.

And you're thrilled with your reading.

What are you...

- Michael, what did you tell him ?
- Nothing.

Then why are his hands up ? Bill ?

He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.

Okay, let's call it a day.

That was good.

Good work, everybody.

Angela, burger, dog ?

Having fun?

I got sap on me.

Chicken, hot dog, burger.

I'm a vegetarian.

There's soda inside.

I didn't think the premium laser color
copy batch would sell as well as it did,

would sell as well as it did.

It surprised us all.
I'll tell you why, because.

I'm sorry, guys, can we
please not talk about paper ?

There's gotta be something
else that we can talk about.

I think it's alright. I mean,
Jesus drank wine.

Hey, Phyllis. Come here for a second.

Sure.

Have you heard anything about any
secret office romances or...

You tell me.

Well, you do mean you and Jim, right ?

Oh, God. I am so sorry.

I mean, I thought, you guys
hang out all the time.

And you're talking all the time.
I'm sorry, it's like...

It's okay. It's okay.

Not so fast, fire guy.

How do we get to Bernie's
Tavern from here ?

So, Bernie's, huh?

- Don't worry, we're all going to carpool.
- So, Bernie's ?

We're all going to Bernie's ?

Sorry. We're not going as a group.

It's just a private friend
who happens to know

all of us from different ways is
throwing a private birthday thing.

Right, right, right.

Well, guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's
with you but I have an office party.

Big office party I need to go to.
So, can't get out of it.

- Good job.
- Hey, see you later.

Nice job Bill.

Not.

hey, how's your new
side project going ?

- Oh, yeah, I gave that up
- Really ?

Yeah. It turns out I was,
just grasping at straws.

Just becase two people are hanging out,

it doesn't mean that they're together.

You know ?
Like people can just be friends.

And I think that it was really unfair of us,

to assume that there was
anything else going on.

"Just turn around now,
'cause you're not welcome anymore."

"And I- and I've got all my l..."

SURPRISE !

- Everybody.
- Dwight.

Who opened the morgue for this thing ?

I was just driving by.
Thought I'd drop in.

Here's some wine. I would love a
glass if you're gonna open it.

Hello temp. Take my jacket.

Oh, come on. That guy ?

He is a good guy. Not a terrorist.

Karaoke. I love it.

I am a karaoke fiend !

I call dibs, I've got next.
I've got next up.

Come on.
Let's, Let's get this party started !

Okay. Where's that wine ?

Okay, this is a duet, so, somebody else ?

Pam, you want to...
Come up and sing this one.

Need somebody else.
Takers, please.

"Baby when I met you there
was peace unknown"

Kelly ?

"I tried to get you with a fine tooth comb"

"I was soft inside, there was
something going on"

This is the part that goes to the, girl.

"You do something to
me that I can't explain."

Talk ! Just talk !

- I am...
- Shut up !

Funny story.

They way I got into improv was,

I got into improv,

The story about me getting into improv was,

that I was walking down the street,
that I waw walking down the street.

And the guy says :

"Hey, you're funny, you're the
funniest guy I've ever seen. "

"Or my name is not Dale Earnhardt."

And that was an improv.

The real way was that I found a flyer.