The Office (2005–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Basketball - full transcript

Hey you're ready ?
All right, all right, secret sign.
Hey, Ryan ? very good,
excellent, excellent.
Michael !
Today at lunchtime we’re going to be playing the warehouse staff in a
friendly little game of basketball.
My idea. The last time I was down there I noticed they put up a couple of hoops.
And I play basketball every week-end,
so I thought "This might be kind of fun". And so I started messing around,
and, I'm sinking a few, you know swish swish swish,
nothing but net ! And their jaws just drop to the floor.
African Americans !
You know it's really just a good friendly game,
a reason for everybody to get together.
Pam Pam thank you Ma'am. Messages please there you go.
Michael can I talk to you for a second please ?
Privately, in your office ?
- I think I should be on the team. - No.
And that's not me being mean Dwight,
- that is based on your past behavior. - Oh please.
- When I let him come to my pick up game... - I apologized for that.
I vouched for you, I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight.
Here's what I’m going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower.
You are not going to play basketball,
but I need somebody to come in,
and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
- I can handle that. - Good.
- Excellent, it'll be fun, - Yeah.
because corporate wants somebody to be here on Saturday,
so we're going to have to have a couple of people coming in on the weekends,
and I know nobody's going to want to do it, everybody’s going to complain and bitch and,
I don't want to have to deal with that.
That's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Yes it is.
- Assistant to the regional manager. - Same thing.
- No it's not. It's lower so. - It's close.
So we need someone to work this Saturday, and I think that that should be...
Jim.
God this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power
I've ever seen go to someone's head.
- Phyllis, can you believe this ? - Keep me out of it.
My fiancé has plans for us this Saturday
so I really hope Dwight doesn't make me work.
Maybe I should sleep with him.
I'm kidding. Kidding. Totally kidding.
All right, managing by walking around !
This is our warehouse, or as I like to call it, the whorehouse.
But don't you call it that,
- I've earned the right. - Fine, don't worry about that.
And here we have "Miter’ Roger’s neighborhood".
Come on over here, hey,
- This is Ryan he's temping upstairs. - What's up ?
- And this is the foreman, "Miter’ Rogers". - It's not my real name.
No, it's Darryl, Darryl is "Miter’ Rogers".
- Darryl Rogers. - Darryl Filben,
then Bridges, then Rige, then Roger, then Miter’ Rogers.
That is Lonny and this is Roy, Roy dates Pam,
- you know the best looking one upstairs. - Yeah yeah.
You're still getting it regular man ?
I mean I can tell her it's part of the job.
Repel her.
No no I know that the warrantee is expired,
but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years, if it isn't effective ?
Ok fine three years.
Pam gets a little down. Her toaster having broke,
which she got at her engagement shower,
for a wedding that still has yet to be set.
And that was three years ago.
So, one o clock sharp, and we've got a game on.
Well none at one !
Oh I see, you're chickening out, you're bailing on me.
No we got a truck going out at one fifteen so, that's a busy time.
Well, I'm glad that sometime is a busy time because whenever I'm down here,
It doesn't seem too busy to me.
You can dish it out but you can't take it.
Ok, fine, have it your way.
All right fine, you know what ?
- One o clock. - All right, see you at one.
Are we ready for the game ?
I know, grumble grumble,
but you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumbling all the way.
Like that dwarf, from "Lord of the Rings".
- Gimli. - Nerd.
- That is why you're not on the team. - Just trying to be helpful.
Oh ul, I'll ul. Dragon Slayer. Ten point power sword.
That's him.
Ok, so let's put together the starting lineup shall we ?
- Stanley, of course. - I'm sorry ?
- What do you play, center ? - Why of course ?
What's that supposed to mean ?
I don't know, I don't remember saying that.
- I heard it. - People hear a lot of things, man.
Other starters... me of course. I heard it that time.
I'd like to play, if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
Uh, yeah, who else ?
We have Jim, we have Ryan, the new guy, right untested,
willing to prove himself right now, lot of passion, lot of heart...
But I'm getting paid to skip lunch right ?
Yes.
Yes, this is business. The business of team building and moral boosting.
- Uh, who else ? - I can help out if you need me.
I will use your talents come baseball season my friend, or if we box.
- I have a hoop in my drive way. - No.
I have sport's bra. No, no ! Ridiculous.
Michael look !
Close all right. Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight. Sorry fellows.
- Can I be team captain ? - No I'm team captain.
- Can I be team manager ? - No I am the team manager,
- you can be assistant to the team manager. - Assistant team manager ?
No.
Ok we'll see who is working this weekend then.
Jim, you're in charge of the vacation's schedule now.
Oh my god...
Threat neutralized.
Off the backboard !
- Please don't throw a garbage at me. - Oh Pam with this anger.
Hey Pam, how would you like to be our cheerleader today ?
You know, some pink tails,
little halter top you can tie that up,
and you know something a little... just useful for a change, just this once.
I don't think so Michael.
Besides I can't cheer against my fiancé.
I'll do it.
Wear a little fancy skirt if you want.
Yeah I bet you would, just try not to be too gay on the court.
And by gay I mean, you know, not in a homosexual way at all,
I mean, you know, like the bad at sports way.
I think that goes without saying.
- Maybe Angela would cheerlead ? - Yeah right.
- I'll do it. - That's worse than you playing.
Cause you know what ? We need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt.
That's where we need you.
Bless would be those who sit and wait.
You made it ! Suit up you're on the team !
All right. Cool ! Very good.
A spy from the warehouse, trying to figure out our players eh man ?
Just getting a tea-bag.
He's running, but he can't hide, because you know what ?
one o clock you'd better bring your A game,
because me and my posse guys, we're going to be in your face.
Right in your face.
Why don't we make it more interesting ? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.
I like the way you think. You know what I'll take that one step further :
Loser works on Saturday.
No, that's not of much fun.
- You know what ? - Oh what ?
- You're on. - Ok.
Cool. You're on.
Don't screw this up !
Classic beginners mistaken, eating before game.
Has anyone seen the first aid kit ?
How many times have I told you ? I'm the safety officer, not you.
Basketball, was kind of my thing, in high school,
and yeah, I'm looking forward to play.
You know I think I'm going to impress a few people in here.
- You're coming down ? - Yeah I'm just forwarding the phones.
- Will you wish me luck ? - Yeah you're going to need it.
Wow ! Is that trash talk from Pam ?
I'm just saying Roy is very competitive,
and he wants to take the wave runners to the lake this Saturday, so...
Well I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so
if you want to save big on brand names, and Roy has to work, which he will,
because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
I think I'm going to be up at the lake.
I think I'll see you at the mall... yeah.
There he is. Secret weapon !
All right guys, come on ! Let's bring it in. Here we go.
OK. Listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right ?
We're all on the same team here, the Dundler Mifflin team.
Of course if you beat us, you're fired.
That's a joke !
Ok. Let's do it !
- Have a good game man ! - Yeah, you too, should be fun.
All right everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch, stretch it, full stretch.
- Ryan you want to stretch ? - I stretched before I came.
Ok Ryan you have Darryl. I have Roy.
Really ? I thought I'd take Roy.
No actually, I think Roy is their best player, not lying.
So Dwight you have the east German girl.
- Ok we'll be skins ! - No.
Come on Dwight.
- What ? Shirts on or off ? - On ! Put it on !
- You're sure ? - Yes.
Pam, you kind of have your foots on both camps here,
why don't you do the jump ball ?
Don't listen to him Pam, trust me.
Tip it my way or you'll sleep in the car !
Stanley !
What ? You got to be kidding me !
Here we go, who's at him who's at him ? Somebody get him !
Over here ! Three !
Let's go to zone, let's go on a zone !
Defense !
Defense !
Defense !
Defense !
Who's got Roy ?
Oh come on, what is wrong with me today ? Usually hit those.
Dwight I was open. All right, let's go.
Aw ! Ok, foul, charging,
That's foul. Ok I'll take it.
When I'm playing hoops,
all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away.
It's gone, in the zone.
Three ! What's with me today ?-
Who am I ? Am I Michael Scott ?
I don't know. I might just be a basketball machine.
What's Dundler Mifflin ? I've never heard of it.
Filing, paper works, who cares ? Possible downsizing ?
That's probably going to happen actually.
Jim right here, give me the ball, Ryan cut !
My bad.
Where you're at.
Where you're at.
Is that like the robot ?
Nice !
Just do one, that's cool, that's fine.
All right let's go.
Back off !
Come on ! Hey Dwight !
Yeah, in your face !
Dwight !
Football, is like rock'n'roll, it's just...
And basketball is like Jazz, you know you kind of...
downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like you...
Time out !
Come on, sellers, over here. Bring it in ! Come on !
What's going on ? You guys are playing like a bunch of girls.
- You know what ? Let me take Roy. - All right we'll switch,
Take it up a notch. Come on !
Foul ! Naked aggression !
Oh that is, you're all right Jim ? Suck it up.
Ouch ! How much does it hurt ?
Yes !
What the hell man ?
- Take it easy. - No you take it easy !
Same team Dwight.
Yes !
Yeah !
Yeah !
Yeah !
In your face !
- Angela, what's the score ? - You're ahead.
Yeah baby, here we go !
Jim, Jim right here ! Ouch ! Hold it !
I'm sorry. Are you all right ?
Foul !
God !
- That hurts, - I'm sorry.
- What's your problem man ? - I didn't mean to do this.
Just clack at me for no reason ?
- Take you shot man ! - NO no no !
That was a flagrant personal intentional foul.
- No way it wasn't. - Yes it was.
- I'm just being fair. - Oh really, I just moved my arm.
Game over ! That is it. I'm sorry you know.
I hate to do it this way, but you know that's just,
we're having a friendly game, it's a shame !
This is a damn shame !
We're like a family here, and that's just, that won't fly.
- This is a cold pack. - Give me that.
You have to break into your bag.
Thanks Dwight.
What does that mean ? What is it, a tie ? What's going on ?
- Let's just say, whoever was ahead won. - That was you...
It was us really ? I didn't know.
Great. Now you see who was work on Saturday, your face.
- No, I'm not coming in on Saturday. - Yeah this isn't happening.
Guys, you know, I'm the boss so...
Yeah, so what's that, we're coming on Monday right ?
Monday ?
You guys believed me ? Come on...
dogs you know, you should know me better than that.
No, do you think that would have been good for moral ? No.
Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed with even that close so. Now of course,
We're coming in Saturday.
Good game. Word.
So I talked to this accountant, it looks good. I haven't signed anything.
- Hey baby ! - Hey !
Larry bird, Larry legend.
Yeah he's pretty good uh ?
- Let's get you into a tub. - Yeah ? And you in a tub.
Hey. What a game, what a game !
What time do we have to come in ?
Come on, lets not be gloomy here man, we're on this together, we're a team.
You know what ?
Screw corporate !
Nobody's coming in tomorrow, you have the day off.
Like how even an extra day is going to prevent us from being downsized ?
Have a good weekend.
The great thing about sports is that it is all about character.
And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win.
But we did, because we were ahead.