The Office (2005–2013): Season 1, Episode 6 - Hot Girl - full transcript

Are you listening
to me, Michael?

Affirmative.

What did I just say?

You just said...
Let me, uh...

check my notes.

You just said...

Alan and I have created
an incentive program...

Hey!
Hey, how is Alan?

Tell Alan that the Mets suck.
Okay?

From me, big time.
Go Pirates!

Not gonna do that, Michael.



We've created an incentive
program to increase sales.

Uh-huh.

At the end of the month,
you can reward your top seller

with a prize worth
up to a thousand dollars.

Whoa, howdy ho.

Wow, 1,000 big ones.
That's cool.

Do I, uh, do I get
to pick the prize?

Uh... yes.
Yes, you can.

Um, question:

Does "top salesman" include
people who were at one time

such outstanding salesmen
that they've been promoted to...

No, Michael.

No, you can't win this prize.

I didn't mean me.



Well, first what we have to do

is find out what motivates
people more than anything else.

Sex.

It's illegal.
I can't do that.

Next best thing.

Torture.

Come on, Dwight.

Just help me out here.

That's stupid.

Um, Michael...

Pam!

Hey, there's...
Burger with cheese!

There's a person here...
And fries!

There's...
And shake!

What?
Go ahead.

There's a person here
who wants to sell handbags.

No, no, no.
No vendors in the office.

That is a distraction.

Okay, I told her you'd
talk to her at least...

Pam, come on, I'm busy.

So just tell her to go away.

Okay.

All right, I'll talk to her.

This one is hand-embroidered.

All right, girls, break it up.

You're being infiltrated.

Cock in the henhouse.

Cocks in the henhouse.
Don't say cocks.

Oh! Ahem!

What is your name, my fair lass?

Katy.

Ah, Katy.
Wow, look at you!

You are, uh, you're like
the new and improved Pam.

Pam 6.0.

Ohh, look!

Oh, hey, no cat fights, you two.

I'm against violence
in the workplace.

So am I. Nobody cares
what you think.

Doesn't matter.

So, uh, you know what?

I usually don't allow
solicitors in the office.

But today, I am going
to break some rules.

And you can
have the conference room.

It's yours, all day.

Wow, thanks.

There's an HR meeting
in there at 11:30.

Well, let's put them
in the hallway.

We'll give them some chairs.

Right?
Decisiveness!

One of the keys to success,

according to Small Businessman.

I do, I read Small Businessman.

I also subscribe to USA Today,

and American Way, um, magazine.

That's the in-flight
magazine.

Some great articles in that.

They did this great
profile last month

of Doris Roberts,

and where she likes to eat
when she's in Phoenix.

Illuminating.

This is my conference room.

So please, uh,
make yourself at home.

Whatever you need,

I'm right on the other side
of this wall.

Used to be a window here.

There's not anymore.

So that's where I will be.

So, ahem...

If you need anything else,

something to make you
more comfortable...

Just don't hesitate to ask.

I'm right here.

I guess a cup of coffee
would be great.

Wait a second!

Ah! I should have spotted
another addict.

Oh, gotta love the 'Bucks!

What?

It's like a slang for Starbucks.

They're all over the place.

Oh, man, that place is like
the promised land to me.

What a business model too.

Oh, too bad we don't
have the good stuff here.

Regular coffee is fine.

No, it's not, it's...

No, really, it is.

No, here's the thing.

You know, I do my best to...

to be my own man, and, uh...

go by the beat
of a different drummer.

And nobody gets me.

And they're always
putting up walls,

and I'm always
tearing them down.

Just breaking down barriers.
That's what I do all day.

So... a coffee.

Regular coffee.
For you.

High test or unleaded?

Bring it on.

Ooh, ho!
Whoo!

I will, I'll bring it on!
All right!

So... are you jealous

'cause there's
another girl around?

No.

She's prettier than you, though.

That's a very rude
thing to say, Kevin.

So you like the periwinkles
and the purples?

The purse girl hits
everything on my checklist.

Creamy skin, straight teeth,

curly hair, amazing breasts...

not for me, for my children.

The Schrutes produce
very thirsty babies.

There you go!

Nice, steaming hot cup of Joe.

Thank you.
I have an idea.

Why don't
I introduce you around?

You know, you can kind of
get your foot in the door,

meet potential clientele, right?

Gosh, I'm...
I would love to,

but my purses, I should, um...

Oh, um, well,
we can have Ryan take a look.

Ryan, would you look
after the purses, please?

Uh, I'm installing File Share
on all the computers.

Yeah, well, blah
dee blooh dah blah blah.

Techno babble.

Just do it, okay?
We have company, right?

You should sell a lot here,

because this branch made
over $1 million last year.

Not that we're all millionaires.

I'm probably closest, so...

Here's Oscar!
Oscar, this is Katy.

I'm on the phone.

Ooh, ooh, oh, Oscar the Grouch.

Right?
I thought of that.

That was on Sesame Street.

I know, I know, I know.

I made the connection.

Can you believe
he'd never heard that

before he worked here?

No, I don't believe that.

I know, it's unbelievable.

It's nice having Katy around.

It's another person
for Michael to, um...

interact with.

Here is Toby
from Human Resources.

Katy, Toby.

Toby, Katy!
Hi, nice to meet you.

Did you go to Bishop O'Hara?

Yeah.
Yeah, me too.

Cool.
What year were you there?

'89.
Toby's divorced.

He, uh... God.

Recently, right?

Yeah.
You and your wife?

And you have kids?
A girl.

Oh, that's so...

That was really messy.

He slept one night
in your car too?

I should probably
get back to my table.

Okay, all right.

Cool.
See you in a bit.

Oh!
Hey, she's cute.

Cutie pie.
Back to work!

I live by one rule.

No office romances, no way.

Very messy, inappropriate.

No.

But...

I live by another rule.

Just do it.

Nike.

Hey, Jimmy, what do you think

about that little
purse girl, huh?

Cute, sure, yeah.

Why don't you get on that?

She's not really my type.

What, are you gay?

Mmm, I don't think so, no.

Well, what is your type?

Moms... primarily.

Yep, soccer moms,
single moms, NASCAR moms.

Any type of mom, really.

That's disgusting.

Stay away from my mom.

Too late, Kev.

Man, I would be all over that
if I wasn't dating Pam.

We're not dating, we're engaged.

Engaged, yeah.

Pam and I are good buddies.

I'm sort of Pam's
go-to guy

for her problems.

You know, with stuff like work

or, uh, her fiancí Roy.

Or, um...

Nope, those are pretty much
her only two problems.

She'd be perfect for you.

Mmm.

She's been talking
to Michael a lot.

So what?

You're Assistant
Regional Manager.

Assistant to
the Regional Manager.

Well, you know what, Dwight?

He's your work boss, okay?

He is not
your relationship boss.

That's true.

Plus, you have so much more

to talk to this girl about.

You're both, um, salesmen.

I mean, that's something
right there.

True.

Plus, I could talk to her

about the origins
of my last name.

It's all gold.

Guys are usually
my best customers.

They buy
the high-end stuff,

like the beads
and the sequins and stuff,

for gifts, you know.

They don't know
what they're looking at,

so I make suggestions.

All right,
here's the thing, okay?

You just keep talking to her.

If you hit a stall,
you have a perfect fallback.

What's that?
You buy a purse.

I don't want a purse.
Purses are for girls.

Dwight, that's not
necessarily true.

Do you read GQ?

No.
Okay, I do.

They're like mini briefcases,
all right?

Lots of guys have them.

Like those?
Yes!

Listen, you are spending
way too much time

talking to me when
you could be talking to her.

Okay, I'm just gonna
use the bathroom and then...

No, you don't need the bathroom.

You've got it.
Go.

Okay, shh. Stop.

Stop whatever you're doing,

'cause this is going to be good.

Hi, my name is Dwight Schrute,

and I would like
to buy a purse from you.

Good Lord, look at these purses!

This is something special.

Oh, my God, is this
Salvatore Dacinni purse?

Oh, definitely... definitely
step in and out of it like that.

Yes, well, I want
to stress test it.

You know,

in case anything happens.

Oh!
Oh!

That was really...

This is necessary to do

to really give it
a good workout.

This is the... ooh.

This is the prettiest
one of all.

I'm gonna be the prettiest
girl in the ball.

Oh, how much?

Oh, God, it's sad.

It's so sad.

Here he comes, shh.

He did pick a good one.

You're horrible.

This one's really good
for a hot date.

Yeah, what's that?

I'm engaged.

Oh, congratulations.

You need a hot date
more than anyone.

Oh, I wish, right?

Giggle, giggle,
shooshy, shooshy.

I get it, I get it.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya
Sisterhood over here.

Right?

So, how was that coffee
from earlier?

Good.

Ah, I knew it.

Guzzled it down.
You greedy little thing.

So, uh, Pam,
is this your lunch break

or was that earlier,

when you were eating
in the kitchen with those guys?

Sorry.

Busted.

Come back?
Oh, hey!

I wanna show you something.

Come here.
I wanna show you something.

I know you are gonna like this.

Picked it up today.
1,000 big ones.

Is that from Starbucks?

Yes, this is a Starbucks
Digital Barista.

This is the mack daddy
of espresso makers.

Wow, is that for the office?

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

Ooh, you're not prying this
out of my hands.

But don't tempt me,
'cause I'll give it to you.

I wouldn't think of it.

Coffee is the great
"incentivizer" in the office.

It's a drug...
it is quite literally a drug

that speeds people up.

It's not the only drug
that speeds people up.

You hear stories about
Dunder Mifflin in the '80s

before everybody knew
how bad cocaine was.

Gah... man,
did they move paper!

Oh, the rotating, uh,
steam... wand.

What?
What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.
My ride just bailed on me.

Oh, oh, God, I'm sorry.

Is it...
Oh, no, it's...

Where you going?
Nearby?

Because I could give you a ride.

No.
Sure?

I don't wanna inconvenience you.

No, no, no, no, no!
No inconvenience.

I mean, I'm out of here
at 5:00 sharp.

At 5:00? I can go earlier,
'cause I'm the boss.

You know, whatever. I'm outta here...
slaves. Okay.

What?

Okay.
Okay!

I guess that would be...
I guess that would be okay.

Okay, sounds good, sounds good.

5:00 sharp, I will give
you and your purses a ride home.

Okay, cool.

Right! Great!

Cool.
Cool!

Cool!

Nyah, okay.

I should never have
let the temp touch this thing.

I had all these great icons,
and now I have four folders.

It's actually better this way.

No, it's not,
because I could just

click on the icon
and then I'm onto something...

Michael, could I
ask you something?

I wanted to ask your permission
to ask out Katy.

I know it's against
the rules and everything...

No, no, no, it's not
against the rules.

Ahem. She is not
a permanent employee,

so it's not.

Thank you, Michael.
I appreciate this so much.

But I think you should just know

that I am going to be
giving her a ride home later.

What?

She asked me for a ride,

and so I'm going
to give her a ride home.

Is that all it is?

Just a ride home?

Like a taxi cab?

Well, it might be a ride home.

Might be a ride home,
and we stop for coffee and...

dot, dot, dot.

Please... please...

I am your inferior,

and I'm asking you this favor.

Can you promise me that
it will just be a ride home?

No.
I cannot promise.

You cannot promise me
or you won't promise me?

Listen, Dwight...

Do you love her?

Dwight, no.

I... I don't know.

It's too early to tell.

I... I don't know
how I feel.

I think you've made
a really good choice.

She's really gonna like that.

Hmm.
Espresso?

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm!

Is that from the machine
that was in your office?

Mm-hmm.

I thought that
was the incentive prize

for the top sales person.

Very easy to clean.

Okay.

Like he's gonna win anyway.

Right?

So did we get any mail?

Yeah, I gave it to you.

Yes, you did.
Yes, you did.

Just checking.
Just checking, double checking.

Checking on the check.

Thoroughness is very
important in an office, and...

So can I...

Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Uh, Pam, one more thing.

Um, how do girls your age
feel about futons?

A futon?

He's a grown man.

That's what he said.

That's sad.

Or it's innovative.

Well, you know, the futon

is a bed and couch
all rolled into one.

What's up?

Hi.

Are you still mad at me?

Roy...

Come on.
Cut it out.

Come on, are you mad at me?

Stop it! Are you
still mad at me now?

Cut it out.
Are you mad at me now?

Stop!
Huh?

Huh?
Come on.

Come on, Pammy.
Stop, I can't breathe.

I was just kidding.
You know I didn't mean it.

Jim's a great guy.

He's like a brother to me.

We're, like,
best friends in the office.

And I really hope
he finds someone.

You seem to like
to touch things.

You should try the velvet.

I don't like
to necessarily touch things.

I'm just...
I'm shopping.

Oh, no, it's fine that you...

Here, what about
the raspberry one?

It's really, um,
kind of festive.

It's got a lot of personality.

Hey, how's it going?
Fine.

Good, could I talk to you
for a second, in private?

I don't think so.
I'm really busy.

It'll just take a second.
I can't.

Just for a minute. Please?
I really can't.

I wanted to talk to you
in private because

I wanted to ask you
out on a date.

No.

Okay, was that "no"
to talking to me in private

or was that "no" to the date?

Both.

What colors do you like?

Gray, dark gray, charcoal.

Brian...
Yeah?

Would you like to help me
with a special project?

I would love to.
Well, all right.

Okay, just throw out
all the empties.

You don't want to recycle them?

Um... yes.

Throw them away
in the recycling bin.

Do you want this?

No.

What about this bottle
of power drink?

Uh, what flavor?

Blue.

Blue's not a flavor.

It says,
"Flavor: Blue Blast."

Oh, Blue Blast, yes.
Put that in the trunk.

And there should be an unopened
Arctic Chill back there.

I want that
in the passenger's cup holder.

Thank you.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Jim, by the way.
I'm Katy.

Hi, Katy, nice to meet you.

You sit out there, don't you?
I do.

That's what I'm best known for.

Sitting out there.

All right,
let's talk about purses.

Okay, um...

Katy, but, you know what?

Don't try to sell me one.

Okay, seriously.

'Cause I'm just here to learn.

Okay.

So I know about most
of these, but... Okay.

Whoa, stop! Whoa!
That's my Drakkar Noir.

No, this says
Rite Aid "Night Swept."

No, it is a perfect
smell-alike.

I'm not paying for the label.

Right here, give it.

It's empty.
No, it's not.

There's some in the straw.

There.
Now you may throw it out.

Wow. How many
Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?

That's over
several months, Ryan.

Still...

What's up?

I'm bored.

Thank you for choosing me.

No, I'm kidding.

Um, so you got
big plans this weekend?

Uh... well, I think
I'm gonna see Katy.

Really?

Yeah.

What are you guys gonna do?

Oh, man, I don't know.

Uh, dinner, drinks, movie...

matching tattoos.

That's great.
Big stuff.

That's, mmm.
Yeah.

What are you doing?

I was gonna say
I think that, um...

we're gonna
help Roy's cousin move.

Okay.
'Cause Roy's got a truck.

That's cool.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

That is cool.

But I'll see you
Monday, though, right?

Great.

Okay. Okay. I'm gonna head back.

All right.

I think, in order
to be a ladies' man,

it's imperative that people
don't know you're a ladies' man.

So I kind of play that
close to the chest.

I don't know, what can I say?
Women are attracted to power.

And I think...

other people have told me
I have a very symmetrical face.

I don't know.
I don't know.

Maybe they're right.
I don't know.

Sure you don't want me
to help you with that?

'Cause I can grab that,
no problem.

It was nice to meet some of you.

See ya later!
Good night!

Good night, Jim.

Good night, Michael.

Where you going?

I don't know.
Grab a drink, I think.

With us?

I, um, I probably
should have told you,

I don't need a ride now

'cause Jim can
take me home after.

So you're off the hook.

Okay, great, off the hook.
Excellent.

- Okay, cool.
- I got this.

Have fun.
Don't drink and drive.

Take it easy.

Have a good night.
You too.

Have a good night!
You got that?

Oh, yeah.

You sold a lot, so it's lighter.

I bet.

Well, here...

All right, now,
I'm gonna warn you.

Don't freak out, okay?
Why?

This is a really nice car.

In case you haven't noticed,
this is a Corolla, okay?

It's a very nice car.

So you're not gonna freak out?

Do I have a special someone?

Uh, well, yeah, of course.

A bunch of 'em.

My employees.

If I had to choose between
a one-night-stand

with some stupid cow
I pick up at a bar

and these people,

I'd pick them every time.

Because with them,
it is an every day stand.

And I still know
their names in the morning.