The Office (2005–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Alliance - full transcript

- Michael ! - Oh god, Dwight come on !
I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing.
There's no downsizing.
But if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager ?
- Assistant to the regional manager Dwight. - Yeah, so I don't have to worry ?
Look look look, I talked to corporate,
About protecting the sales staff and they said they couldn't guarantee it
If there's downsizing. Ok ? But, there's no downsizing.
Bottom line. Do I need to be worried ?
Maybe.
It looks like there's gonna be downsizing.
That is part of my job, but...
I hate it
I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump
Is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words "you're fired"
"You're fired", "you're fired".
He just makes people sad.
And an office can't function that way.
No way. "You're fired".
I think that if I had a catch phrase it would be,
"you're hired, and you can work here as long as you want".
But that's unrealistic so...
It's a real shame,
cause studies have shown that more information get passed through,
water cooler gossips than through official memos,
Which puts me in a disadvantage because
I bring my own water to work.
- Why did you do this ? - I didn't do it.
What do you mean ?
The water cooler was brought over here for...
Maintenance.
So why are you guys here ?
What's the schedule bud'?
Gets that, for operation moral improvement,
Starring Michael Scott.
Now I think I had a little stroke of genius,
in that I have had my assistant Pam,
smile Pam, I have had her go out and find out whose birthday,
is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it.
Not bad, not bad at all, all right.
And the birthday person is : Drum roll please....
who is it ? Whose the birthday ?
Actually we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
- Next person on the calendar. - Ok.
- That would be Meredith. - Yes all right.
- Come on down Meredith ! - But it's not until next month.
Ok.
Great ! you know, it will be a surprise.
- You still want to have a party ? - Yeah why not, sure,
go ahead ! Lead a little. Come on Pam.
Come on shake it up, shake it in.
Shake it up.
Spok, is there any signs of life down there ?
Well, let me check captain.
No captain no signs of life down there.
Just a wet blanket, named Pam.
Star Trek.
Well for decorations maybe we could...
- Stupid forget it. - What ?
I was just gonna say maybe we could have streamers but,
that's dumb. Everybody have streamers.
- Never mind - No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
What color do you guys think ?
Well there's green.
Blue.
Yellow.
- Red. - How about green ?
I think green is kind of whorish.
This was tough.
I suggested we flip a coin.
But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble.
Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
These are my party planning biatches,
Pulled off an amazing eighties party last year.
"Off the hook" !
So I was thinking, if you haven't already got the cake...
Maybe going for one of those ice cream cakes from Baskin Robbins...
they're very good. Very delicious.
Meredith is allergic to dairy so...
She's not the only one that's gonna be eating right ?
I think everybody likes ice cream cake.
It's not, not just about her so...
- It's her birthday. - Milk chocolate chip !
Would be good.
Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea...
if you and I formed an alliance.
Because of the downsizing.
I think an alliance might be a good idea.
You know, help each other out.
Do you want to form an alliance ?
With me ?
- Absolutely I do. - Good, good.
Excellent, ok, now we need to figure out who's vulnerable...
who's protected the...
At that moment I was just so happy.
I mean everything Dwight does, annoys me.
Did you get your tickets ?
To what ?
The gun show.
And I spend...
hours thinking of ways to get back at him...
but only ways that would get me arrested.
Then here he comes and he says "no, Jim, here's a way".
Just one other thing and this is important.
Let's keep this alliance totally a secret.
Yeah.
Don't tell anyone.
- An alliance ? - Oh, yeah.
What does that even mean ?
I think it has something to do with "survivor", but I'm not sure.
I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, Pam.
Jim ? Hey, Hi Pam.
Can I talk to you a second about the paper products ?
- Did you tell Pam about the alliance ? - No !
- Just now ! - Oh no, no, no !
Dwight no. I'm using her...
for the alliance, who knows the most information about this office ?
- Pam ! Right. - That's good, good, pursue this !
I'm trying to,. Do you see what I'm doing ?
But listen, I'm gonna have to talk to her a lot.
All right, there might chatting, and giggling,
And you got to just pretend to ignore it, wipe it away.
Done ! All right.
Can you get her, she's right there. That is Meredith.
The birthday girl.
And this...
Is Meredith card. "Happy Bird-day."
Let's see... Jim.
Jim wrote : "Meredith I heard you're turning forty-six but come on...
You're an accountant, just fudge the numbers"
Not bad, pretty funny.
I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though.
Here's the thing, whatever I write here...
has to be really really funny.
Because people out there are expecting it.
I've already set the bar really high.
And they're all worried about their jobs,
you know, it's kind of dark out there.
Can you imagine if I wrote something like :
"Meredith, happy birthday...
you're great, love Michael".
They seem awfully chummy. Don't you think ?
Yeah, what do you think that's about ?
Only one way to find out.
Come on.
- You are not going to believe this. - What ? I believe it.
- Well, tensions were high in the kitchen. - I can tell from the body language.
- That looks good, what is it, turkey ? - Italian.
Oh Italian ! Nice. Wow.
Get the works there. Red onion, provolone...
Yeah.
Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Good ! Let them, That's fine it helps our cause.
Well I don't know. Because if Kevin is in accounting...
and Toby is in human resources... and they're talking ?
They're forming an alliance.
- I love their sandwich. - I love their sandwich too.
- Their bread is really good. - Their bread is very good.
Damn it ! God !
God !
Ok, listen.
We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance.
And is therefore trying to get us kicked out.
Damn it, why us ?
Because we're strong Dwight, because we're strong.
Meredith, Meredith...
"Mary had a little lamb"...
Meredith had a little lamb,
don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor...
Hey ! Oscar ! Come on in. What's up ?
- I'm sorry to bother you. - No not at all come on in.
- What's going on ? - My nephew is involved with...
With charity for Cerebral Palsy,
And I was wondering if maybe you would like to.
- You know, if... - What ?
A donate to the charity.
Oh God !'Course I would.
Get it over here ! Get that over here.
- Thank you. - No I'm always good...
For some serious buckage. Wow ! Two dollars, three dollars ?
People out here, do not care about...
diseases.
I'm going to give you twenty five dollars.
That's...
- That's, that's very generous. - Oh my gosh, well.
Listen Oscar, generosity and togetherness, and community...
all convalescences into...
Moral.
That's what I say, so...
- Hey Jim, can I talk to you for second ? - Sure, what's up ?
I don't know I'm just going a little crazy...
cause I keep overhearing all these conversations...
between Michael and corporate about like staff issues.
- Oh no ! - Yeah. He's making me take notes
on his meetings, and I'm like, these people are my friends.
- Right. - But he's all like
this is confidential you can't tell anybody but..."
I don't know I just feel like I want to...
Just promise me you're gonna say anything.
- I will not. I'm not gonna tell anybody - Ok.
- It's between you and me. - Yeah.
Jackpot.
That was beautiful. All her idea, too.
Awesome.
She's so great.
Meredith bad-breath. Meredith has bad breath.
- Hey - Hey
- You wanted to see me ? - Yeah. What do you know about Meredith ?
I don't think she'd be missed.
There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, ok ?
I just, I need to know a little bit more about...
My friend.
Name : Meredith Palmer.
Personal information : divorced twice, two kids.
Employer : Dundler Mifflin Paper Incorporated.
- Awards : multiple "Dundies". - I know that, I know,
I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know.
- Kind of fun, inside. - She had a hysterectomy.
- Which one is that again ? - That's when they remove the uterus.
Ho, God ! Dwight no !
I'm trying to write something funny here ok ?
What am I gonna do with a removed uterus ?
- It can be kind of funny. - You know what, I'm on a deadline here,
And just, ok, thanks, thanks for your help,
I'll work it out, thank you Dwight.
That wasn't a waste of time.
Ok, here's the deal, all right.
Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting...
- In the warehouse during Meredith birthday. - Oh, my god we have to be there.
I know ! But it's going to be a little tough
- Because there's no good place to hide. - No no ! Yes there is.
- Behind the shells. Oh my god. - What ? What ? What ?
- I know. I know exactly what to do. - Great.
I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad.
One thing about deer. They have very good vision.
One thing about me...
I'm better at hiding than they are at vision.
It's gonna be perfect, ok ? Centrally located,
Perfect cover, I can hear and see everything.
Good.
- Michael ? - Just a sec.
- Are you done yet ? - Almost there.
Ok. Just a second. It is perfect.
Thank you, excellent, here we go.
It is time, thank you, ok come one ! Let's go ! Get the cake, let's go.
Here we go ! Come on come on come on !
Be quiet.
Wait this isn't gonna work. The lid is open.
- So tape it down. - I can't do that,
- then you won't be able to breathe. - I can breathe just fine, ok ?
But if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
- Thank you. Thank you, - Ok.
Surprise !
- Surprise ! - No, it's...
It's surprise Meredith ! One, Two.
Happy birthday to you
- Find the key. - Happy birthday.
So you want me to stay here, and stand next to the box.
No, you need to go upstairs to the party.
- So people don't notice we're both gone. - Right. That's good.
Can I trust Jim ? I don't know.
Do I have a choice ? No.
Frankly I don't. Will I trust Jim ? Yes.
Should I trust Jim ?
You tell me.
Happy birthday to you, Meredith...
Happy birthday to you, and many more
- You were surprised weren't you ? - Yes.
You looked freaked, man, when we said surprise
You were like, "what ? What the hell is going on here ?
- Ice cake. Why don't you have some ? - I can't.
- Come on, a little bit, a little bit. - No I can't eat dairy.
Oh right. Oh god too bad it's so good.
That makes me sick.
You know what if I were allergic to dairy I think I'd kill myself.
This is way way too good.
- He's in a box ? - Pam, he's in a BOX.
He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor near the shells.
So you just go down there, and work your magic.
Hey ! Where are you ? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here !
What ?
Oh my Gosh !
That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier !
I just don't know what some of the people in like accounting are gonna do.
It's not specifically that...
Hey Jim, good party eh ?
Just a little some’ wiped up you know a little moral boost, no big deal.
Speaking of which I meant to tell you, very impressive,
the donation you gave to Oscar's charity.
- Was that twenty-five bucks ? - Well no, yeah you know.
Money isn't everything Jim. Not the key to happiness.
You know what is ? Joy.
You should remember that, maybe give more than three dollars next time.
Yeah well, three dollars a miles will end up like fifty bucks.
So, god, can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
Is Oscar around ?
I just thought it was a kind of a flat, you know,
twenty-five dollars one time donation.
Didn't think it was a per-mile kind of deal, you know so...
- Well, that's what a walk-athon is. - I know.
It says here right on the sheet.
Look look at the sheet, it says "it's however many dollars per-mile".
Got it, yes so it does.
I just think it's kind of cheap to undonate money to a charity.
No, no no no. I wasn't I wasn't, no no,
It's it's not about the money.
It's just it it... It's the ethics of the thing,
Oscar.
How's your nephew ? Is he in a good shape ?
- Yeah. - How many miles did he do last year ?
- Last year he walked eighteen miles. - Son of a bitch !
That is impressive, good for him.
- Happy birthday Meredith. - Read it out loud !
Say who wrote everything. So we know whose is the best.
Happy bird-day.
"Meredith, good news ! You're not actually a year older,
Because you work here, where time stand still."
- Not bad. - That was Stanley.
"Meredith, happy birthday
You're the best, love Pam."
Thanks darer.
This is from Michael :
"Meredith. Let's hope that the only downsizing that happens to you...
Is that someone downsizes your age."
Because of the downsizing. Rumours.
And because you're getting old.
No, I, I get it.
- It's funny. - You didn't get the joke.
That's cool, that's you know what actually
I have a bunch of these,
good ones that I didn't use.
What was that ? Oh ok ! Here's a good one.
"Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back".
Cause Meredith has been divorced like, twice. Is that right ?
- You're right. - Is that right ?
- Ok. - You're right. Yes
Divorce...
Oh ok, "Meredith is so old..."
- "How old is she ?" - Right everybody, you can do it ?
"Meredith is so old..."
- How old is she ? - "She's so old...
She went into an antique store and they kept her".
That wasn't even mine, I got that off the internet. Website.
Don't get mad at me.
- Nice party Michael. - This isn't my fault.
Ladies, not your best effort. Streamers ?
You could have done better than that don't you think ?
- Phyllis wanted red, I didn't. - Oh, boy.
Ok we, all right people hold on hold on.
Just a second ok, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here.
And that is that we are...
A group of people who work together.
I was, I really wasn't gonna with on this.
I've made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephews
walk-athon.
Twenty-five dollars.
- Per mile. - Per-mile, yes.
When I retire I...
I don't want to just disappear to one island somewhere.
I want to be the guy who gives everything back.
A check for the kids, and for the teen.
I want it to be like :
"Who donated that hospital wing that is saving somebody's life ?
Well, I don't know that was anonymous.
Guess what ?
That was Michael Scott.
But it was anonymous, how do you know ?
Because I met him."
Thank you Michael.
Come here.
Don't cash that until Friday ok ?
- Really today ? - Yeah.
- Happy birthday. - Nice.
- I could say something... - No don't do that.
Ok, ok, I have something that totally tops the box.
Oh tell me, tell me.
I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stanford
and spy on our other branch, no no no, but before he does so,
I told him that he should die his hair, to go undercover.
If we can get him to drive to Connecticut
and put some bright side in his hair.
What the hell is this ?
What, are you trying to cop a feel or something Halpert ?
- No, Dude no. Dude no ! Just listen ! - Hey hey, come on !
God, I don't even know how to explain this.
Dwight asked me to be in an alliance,
And then...
We've just been messing with him
because of the whole alliance thing...
- It's just office pranks. - It's stupid, it's just office pranks.
Dwight, what the hell is he talking about ?
I have absolutely no idea.
Come on.
Do I feel bad about betraying Jim ?
Not at all.
That's the game. Convince him we're on an alliance.
Gets him information, throw him to the wolves.
That's politics baby, get what you can out of someone,
Then crush them.
I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.