The Office (2005–2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - Health Care - full transcript

Pam ! Pamela,
Pamelamela Ding Dong ! Making copies.
- I'm not making any copies. - Let's go !
Messages, date, lots to do lots to do...
Information superhighway !
- Nothing new... - Let them unw...
- There's nothing new. - That's not what you said earlier.
Oh do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before ?
For the...
The most sacred thing I do is care, and provide for my workers, my family.
I give them money.
I give them food.
Not directly, but through the money...
I heal them.
Today I am in charge, of picking a great new healthcare plan.
Right ? That's what this is all about !
Does that make me their doctor ?
Yes... In a way...
Yeah, like a specialist.
So which health plan have you decided on ?
I am going to go with best, Jan.
I am going to go with the one with
the acupuncture, therapeutic massage...
- You know, the works... - Wait acupuncture ?
None of the plans have acupuncture.
Have you looked at them closely Michael ?
I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the "gold plan".
- The gold plan ? - Yep.
I'm not even on that plan.
Well I recommend it, it's very good.
- You have to crack this things open. - You know the whole reason we're doing
this, is to save money.
So,
you just need to pick a provider, and then choose the cheapest plan.
Well that is...
kind of a tough assignment.
- It's not gonna be a popular decision around the old orifice. - It's your job... so
It's a suicide mission, you know...
- Michael, - I, I Know
- Maybe, I, I mean... - There... there
You know sometimes a manager...
like yourself,
has to deliver the bad news to the employees, I do it all the time.
- Yeah, when have you ever done that ? - I'm doing it, right now.
To you.
Last night on "Trading spouses"...
- There's... have you seen it ? - No, I have a life.
- Interesting, what's that like ? - You should try it sometime.
Wow
- But then who would watch my TV ?
So I like that
Ding Dong !
There's a decision that needs to be made.
And I'm having a unbelievably busy day.
So, I'm going to let you pick
a healthcare plan for our office,
and then explain it
to your co-workers.
- Gosh ! - Yeah !
That is a great offer. Thank you.
I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
- Really ? - Yeah.
I just don't thing that this is the kind of task, that
I am going to do...
You know who would be great for this ?
Anytime Michael asks me to do anything I just tell me that Dwight should do it.
Yes ! I can do it ! I'm your man.
Right now this is just a job.
If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career.
And a...
Well if this were my career,
I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Ok first, let's go over some parameters,
how many people can I fire ?
None, you're picking a healthcare plan.
Ok we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'm gonna need an office.
I think the conference room should be fine.
You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Yes, I have an office.
- Bigger than his ! - No, you cannot use it.
- Ok I take it back it's a workspace. - Temporary workspace, you can use it.
Thank you.
If Dwight fails and that is strike too and good for me,
for giving him a second chance.
And if he succeeds, then, you know,
no one would be prouder than I am. I've groomed him.
I made him what he is today.
Unless he fails and,
talked about that already.
What did I do ? I did my job.
I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money.
Was I too harsh ? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.
In the wild, there is no healthcare.
In the wild healthcare is "How, I hurt my leg...
I can't run, a lion eats me, and I'm dead. "
Well, I'm not dead.
I'm the lion.
You're dead !
There's no dental, there's no vision,
there is a 1200 dollars deductible.
Dundler Mifflin this is Pam.
Pam, Michael Scott, how's tricks ?
Where are you ?
Oh, I'm in my office, I am swamped.
I have work up to my ears
and busy busy busy, can't step away, I just wanted to check in and
see how everybody's dealing. Everybody cool out there ?
Actually, people are really unhappy
Dwight send around this memo
- And people are freaking out cause... - Pam, you, I'm sorry I'm sorry
I, I, I got to go I'm getting a call.
No you're not.
I have to make a call after I finish, my work
You know what ? Don't let anybody in my office
Under any conditions today I'm just too busy, too swamped, you know ?
I'm unreachable. I'm incommunicado capisce ?
- Ok - Thank you,
God here we go again, got to go, I have to take this.
Still no one calling.
- Dwight, what is this... - Uh, knock, please.
- Please knock, this is an office. - It says workspace.
- Same thing. - If it's the same thing,
then why'd you write "work space".
Just knock, please, as a sign of respect for your superior.
- You are not my superior. - Gee, then why do I have an office ?
- Thought it was a workspace, Dwight. - Ok, Dwight.
Are you really in charge of picking an healthcare plan ?
Yes. And my decision is final.
This is a ridiculously awful plan.
Because you cut everything.
- Times are tough, Pam, deal with it. - You cut more than you had to, didn't you ?
Sure.
Then why did you do that ? You work here, don't you want good insurance ?
Don't need it, never been sick, perfect immune system.
Ok well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
I don't need them, superior genes.
I'm a Schrute... And superior brain power.
Through concentration I can raise
Why would you want to raise your cholesterol ?
So I can lower it.
He literally won't come out of his office.
He's got to come out sometime.
- To go to the bathroom. - Kevin, that's inappropriate !
Michael can I talk to you ?
I would like to, but I'm really busy, rain check ?
Michael, Michael please
Can we talk about this memo ?
- What ? Which memo ? - Dwight's healthcare memo
- I told you about it. - Is it a good plan ?
It's a great plan ! It saves the company a fortune.
- It's like a paid decrease. - Michael, he made huge cuts.
Cuts ? what ? Dwight did you make cuts ?
- Yeah you said go in the... - No no no no no. You know what ?
I said nothing specific because I was so busy.
Why don't you go in there Dwight ?
and find these people a plan that will work for them. Ok ?
- I can handle it. - Ok. All right.
We feel good ? All right, good !
Plus,
There's some other good news.
Today at the end of the day,
I will have for all of you
a big surprise. Ok ?
So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day.
Right ?
- This is not good. - It's ridiculous.
Did you talk to him ?
What was that ?
You let him off all over you it's just pathetic.
- What are you guys talking about ? - Nothing Kevin.
Do I know what the surprise is ? Hell no !
Doesn't matter, the point is, they're not unhappy anymore.
They're out there thinking "Wow ! My boss really cares about me.
He has a surprise, he's cool.
What a great guy, I love him.
I love him. "
Ok everyone, gather’ round.
Step forward.
It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan,
so what I'd like you to do,
is to fill this out and write down any diseases that you have,
That you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Okay you know what Dwight ? We can't write our diseases down for you,
- because that's confidential. - Ok,
well I didn't say to write your name down, did I ?
Fill that out, leave it anonymous.
Or don't write any disease down at all, and they won't be covered.
Sound fair ? Good. All right, I'll be in my office.
Workspace.
You know what ? Come with me.
We are going on a little mission.
"Operation surprise. "
Where are you going ?
Headed out. Part of my busy day.
You know, meetings.
Couldn't find the knock.
So basically, I want to do something nice for my employees.
Atlantic City. Ok ?
They have this thing where they send a bus,
Right for free, picks everybody up,
and head down there, get to the hotel, the room is count.
They give you a big pile of chips, and your food.
Everything just kind of a all inclusive free kind of weekend.
I don't know of anything like that.
But, you know what you might want to do is just call the casino directly,
- Maybe. - Yep yep, yep.
I did, so.
Wait what are you writing ?
Don't write Ebola, or mad cow disease.
All right ?
Cause I'm suffering from both of them.
- I'm inventing new diseases. - Oh great.
So let's say that my teeth turn to liquid
And then, they drip down the back of my throat.
What would you call that ?
I thought you said you were inventing diseases ?
That's spontaneous "dentohydroplosion"
- Nice. - Thank you.
Calling to ask you a little favor Rooney my friend.
I'm trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost
And I was thinking that
maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
You mean the elevator that takes you down in the mine shaft ?
It's not really a ride.
It says here that it's a...
300 foot drop.
Well that goes 300 feet in the earth but it moves really slowly.
So it's not a free fall ?
It's a industrial coal elevator.
All right. Once you get down into the mine,
what, you got laser tag or something ?
OK ok so I don't know what the surprise is, am I worried ?
Nooo. No way. You see I thrive on this.
This is my world, this is improv, this it "whose line is it anyway".
Damn it ! damn it ! Jim !
All right, who did this ?
I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it, so I can punish them.
What are you talking about ?
"Someone", forged medical information, and that is felony.
Ok "wow", cause that is a pretty intense accusation.
How do you know that they're fake ?
Uh, Leprosy ?
Flesh eating bacteria.
Hot dog fingers.
Government created killer nano robot infection
- You did this didn't you ? - Absolutely not.
- Yes you did. - No I didn't.
I know it was you. Ok fine, you know what ?
I'm gonna have to interview each and everyone of you
Until the perpetrator makes him or herself known.
And until that time, there will be no healthcare coverage for anyone.
- Killer Nano Robots ? - It's an epidemic.
The problem Jim, is that people who are really suffering
from a medical condition, won't receive the care they need,
because someone in this office has coming up with all those ridiculous stuff
- "Count Choculitis. ". - Sounds tough.
Why did you write that down Jim ?
- Is it because you know I love Count Chocula ? - Do you ?
I think you need to confess the fact.
- Yeah. - What are you doing ?
- What ? - Those are my keys.
- Good luck. - Jim ! Damn it !
No ! Jim let me out. Jim, let...
The light green is a green.
- Jim Halpert. - Let me out.
- Who is this ? - Let me out or you're fired.
- No, you can't fire me. - Yes I can, I'm manager for the day.
Clean out your desk.
Ok, can you hold on one second, I'm getting a bip.
- Jim Halpert. - Hey Jim, it's Pam.
Hey Pam ! How are you ?
- Jim open the door ! - Good. How are you ?
- I'm doing ok, - Busy ?
- Getting excited for the week end now. - Yeah.
- Yeah, what are you up to ? - I'm not bothering you am I ?
- No not all. - You don't have anything you're doing.
- I have nothing to do. - Oh great.
Yeah no, this week end nothing I'm not really doing anything.
- Might go to the mall. - The mall ?
- I need new shoes. - How interesting, what kind of shoes ?
- Hello ? - Hello.
This is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levinson-Gould.
This is Jan.
Hi, Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager Scranton branch,
Listen I need your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
- Who is this ? - Dwight Schrute.
- From sales ? - Well.
- Where is Michael Scott ? - He is not here right now.
He put me in charge of the office.
Dwight, listen to me very carefully, you are not a manager of anything.
- Understand ? - That's not entirely true,
Because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.
- Really ? - Yeah.
Ok.
when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
- Call you immediately, good. - Yes.
Listen, since I have you on the phone,
- Can I fire Jim ? - No.
Please don't use my cell phone ever again.
This is your cell, I thought this was your off...
Everybody ice cream sandwiches.
There you go take one take one it's all good.
Phyllis, safe pass.
I see Angela right, Angela !
Hey, temp, why don't you take two.
Because you don't get healthcare, and faster metabolism.
Did you get the kind with the cookies, instead of the ?
Why don't you just eat it ? Ok.
Here you go Stanley the "manly" !
- Thanks. - There you go.
This isn't the big surprise is it ?
Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Nope, nope.
This isn't the surprise.
It's surprising, because you didn't expect it.
But you'll, you'll know it when you see it.
Michael, Michael !
I tried being rational. Ok, and what happened ?
The employees went crazy, I got no hope from corporate,
so that leaves me with no options.
I'm now gonna read aloud your submitted medical conditions.
When you hear yours read, please raise your hand, indicate that it is real
If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
- What about confidentiality ? - You know what ?
You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults.
But obviously, I'm the only adult here.
Number one, inverted penis.
Could you mean vagina ? Because if you do I want that covered.
I thought your vagina was removed during you hysterectomy.
A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Ok great. "Germatitus". Thank you Angela,
I'll make sure that's covered. Ok now, who wrote this, this hysterical one ?
- Anal fissures. - That's a real thing.
Yeah but no one here has it.
Someone has it.
- Do you think we should go. - I don't know, Kevin this is important.
I don't want futileness.
- What is he doing ? - I don't know.
Well ?
Well, what ?
- You could be referring to anything. - Ok,
The healthcare plan.
Why did you put Dwight in charge of that, he did an horrible job.
Dwight ?
- Did you raise benefits ? - I most certainly did not.
come on ! That's horrible !
Thanks Dwight for a crappy plan.
Damn.
I wish I had time to change it, but...
Jan needs it by five and... What time is it ? What time is it ?
It's after five.
It's awful.
So well, ok.
See you guys on Monday.
What about the surprise ?
Yes exactly.
Thank you Angela for reminding me.
Terrific.
Before I tell everybody what the big surprise is,
would you like to tell me, what you think the big surprise is ?
We all think you don't have a surprise.
All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise.
And... here it is, here we go...
And
the big surprise is...
Drum roll.
When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive.
See I learned improv from the greats, like...
Drew Carey and Ryan Styles.
Robin Williams, oh man, would I love to go head to head with him.
That would be exciting ! "Hi, I'm Mork from Ork. "
"Well I'm Bork for Smork".
"anounanouzoubliblublu"
Jan wants you to call her.