The Office (2005–2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - Diversity Day - full transcript

- Hey ya, may I help you on here ? - I'm all set thank you.
Good, I *go with the rows*. That's a good idea.
Today is diversity day,
and someone is going to come in and talk to us about diversity,
something that I've been pushing,
that I've been wanting to push for a long time, and corporate mandated it,
I never actually talked to corporate about it,
they kind of beat me with the punch,
those bastards !
But I was going to, and I think it's very important that we have this,
I'm very very excited.
That's the thing, it's a very sturdy paper,
and on the back it says : 100% post customer contempt.
What ? Hello, haha, wait what ?
I'm sorry mister Decker, I think I'm losing you.
Hello ? Hello ? Yeah, hold on one sec, hold on one second.
- Do you really have to do that right now ? - Yes I do.
I should have done this weeks ago actually.
Mister Decker, I'm sorry about that, would you wait one second ?
Yeah, just one second. Thanks.
Hello ? That's it, perfect. So what I was saying was... hello ?
- Thanks Dwight. - "Retaliation". Tit for tit.
- That is not the expression. - Well that should be.
This is my bigger sale of the year.
They love me over there, for some reason, I’m not really sure why,
but you know I make one call over there, every year, just to renew their account.
And that one call ends up being 25% of my commission, for the whole year.
So you know, I buy a mini bottle of champagne, and celebrate.
And this year, I'm pushing recycle paper on them, for one percent more.
I know, getting cocky right.
- Solitaire ? - Yeah, free cell.
- A 6 on 7. - I know, I saw that.
- So then why didn't you do it ? - I'm saving that,
- cause I like it when the cards go... - Who doesn't love that ?
- Hey ! Oscar, how you doing man ? - All right.
A good week end going there ?
- It was fun. - Oh yeah bet it was fun
- Oh hey ! This is Oscar. - Martinez.
- See, I didn't even know, first thing basis. - We're all set.
Oh hey, diversity everybody let's do it.
Oscar works in here.
- Jim can you rapid up please ? - Yeah.
It's diversity day Jim,
wish everyday was diversity day.
You know what, I'm actually gonna have to call you back.
Thank you, sorry about that.
- Thank you - Get in the cars ! Get in the car !
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
Ok thanks for filling these, I promise this will be quick.
At diversity today our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations,
we believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.
You know what ? This is a color free zone here.
Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.
See, this is what I'm talking about, we don't have to pretend that we're colorblind.
- Exactly. We're not colorblinds. - That's fighting ignorance with - With intolerance.
No, with more ignorance. Right exactly. Instead we need to celebrate our diversity.
Let's celebrate.
"Celebrate good times. Come on !" Let's celebrate diversity right ?
Yes, exactly. Now, here's what we're gonna do, I’ve noticed that uh...
You know what, here's what we're gonna do.
What if we go around and everybody, everybody,
say a race that you are attracted to sexually, I will go last. Go.
I have two. White and Indian.
Actually I prefer not to start that way.
Michael I would love to have your permission to run this session, can I have your permission ?
- Yes. - Thank you very much.
And it would also help me if you were seated.
Thank you. Ok.
Now, at the start of the session I had you write down an incident
that you found offensive in the workplace.
- Now what I'm gonna do is choose one and we're gonna act like... - A few other ground rules ?
Why don't you run it by me and I run it by him ?
OK. Can we steer away from gay people ?
I'm sorry it's an orientation, it's not a race.
Plus a lot of other racists are also intolerant at gays so,
paradox.
Well we only have an hour.
- Why don't we just refer to Mr. uh ? - Mr. brown.
Oh all right ! ok !
First test, I will not call you that !
Well it's my name it's not a test, ok ?
So. Looking few cards I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident,
which is ironic,
because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to.
Now how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine ?
Very good, ok.
How come Chris rock can do a routine,
and everybody finds it hilarious, and ground breaking,
and I go into the exact same routine, same comedy timing,
and people file a complaint to corporate ?
Is it because I’m white, and Chris is black ?
So we're gonna reenact this with a more positive outcome.
I will play the Chris rock guy !
I would like to see someone else pull this off.
Oh let's have someone who wasn't involve in the reenactment ?
Ok, I will play guy listening.
Great, guy listening.
- Ok anyone else remember ? - I remember.
Great you're the Chris rock guy and you're the guy listening.
Kevin is a great guy,
he's a great accountant, he is not much of an entertainer.
Basically, there are two types of black people.
And black people are actually more racists,
because they hate the other type of black people.
Every time the one type wants to have a good time,
then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.
Ok I’m sorry, I’m sorry he's ruining, he's butchering it, could you just let me...
Every time, every time black people want to have a good time,
some biiiip ass biiiip, I take care of my kids !
... always want credit for something they're supposed to do !
Stop it !
What do you want ? Cookie ?
Now this is a simple acronym, H.E.R.O.
At diversity today we believe it's very easy to be a hero.
All you need are Honesty, Empathy, Respect and Open mindedness.
- Excuse me ? I'm sorry but that's not all it takes to be a hero. - Oh great, what is a hero to you ?
A hero kills people. People that wish him harm.
Ok.
A hero is part human, part supernatural,
a hero is born out of a child with trauma, or out of a disaster,
that must be avenged.
- Ok, you're thinking of a superhero. - We all have a hero in our heart.
Now I need you to take these forms,
this is the kind of expresses the joint experience we had today.
and I want you to look them over and sign them, as a kind of a group pledge.
I don't think I can sign this.
I can't leave until you do.
It says here that I've learned something,
and I knew all this stuff already so...
You know I could sign something that says that I taught something
or that I helped you teach something so, Pam, where's she ?
- Pam could we change something on this ? - Michael can I talk to you candidly ?
- Sure. - We both know that I’m here because of the comments that you've made.
Here's the thing, this office, I think it's very advanced,
in terms of racial awareness.
And it's probably more advanced than you're used to.
- That's probably throwing you off. - It's not throwing me, I need your signature.
- Ok I know you told me that, several times. - Yes, but you're not listening to me,
- yours is the only signature I need. - Oh ok.
Those are my instructions from the corporate offices
is to put your through this seminar, for the comments that you made,
and the only reason why I made copies for everyone was that you wouldn’t be embarrassed.
Well here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training,
and you don't.
- Don't worry about dating. - I won't.
- Ok thank you. - Yep.
I regret my actions, I regret offending my co-workers.
I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness,
openmindedness is that a word ?
Into the workplace, in this way I can truly be a hero.
Signed, daffy duck.
He's gonna lose it when he reads that.
Hi, is Mr. Decker around ?
Oh well could you just have him call me after lunch ? Thank you.
I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart.
I do believe in that part of the pledge that I just read,
but a pledge, come on, who are we ? The girls scouts ? No.
Look, the, the guy Mister brown, he got us half way there, he got us talking.
Well no, I got us talking. It got us nothing,
he insulted us and he abandoned us.
You call that diversity training ? I don't.
Were there any connections between any of us ?
Did anyone look each other in the eye, were there any emotion going on ?
No ! Where was the heart, I didn't see any heart,
where was my Oprah moment ?
Ok, get as much done as you can before lunch, because afterward,
I’m gonna have you all in tears.
All right everybody pretty, come on, here we go, it's time. Let's do some good.
Hey we are not all gonna seat in circle in it so are we ?
- Get out ! - I'm sorry.
No this not a joke, ok ?
It was offensive, and lame, so double offensive.
This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.
Ok let's go, let's do it come on let's have some fun everybody.
Here we go, take a seat, cop a squat, and thank you for coming in.
Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress, as I’ve always said.
But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.
Hi I’m Michael Scott, I’m in charge of Dundler Mifflin paper products
here in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
But I'm also the founder of diversity tomorrow,
because today is almost over.
Abraham Lincoln once said that if you're a racist
I will attack you with the north.
And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
Ok, questions ? Comments ? Anybody, Jim ?
- Uhh, is that it ? - Yes I only had an hour to put it together,
- but I’m gonna add onto it later on. - It was kind of hard to hear.
Uh yes that probably has something to do with the camera work. Anybody else ?
- I have a customer meeting. - Yeah well if you leave we'll only have to...
Yes, enjoy, absolutely. "Namaste".
Ok, well, since I am leading this
let's get down to business, and why don't I, just kind of introduce myself, ok ?
I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish,
sort of a virtual United Nations.
But what some of you might not know, is that I am also part native American Indian.
What part, native American ?
- 2/15th - That fraction doesn't make any sense.
Well, you know what it's kinda hard for me to talk about it. It's suffering
So who else ? Let's get it popping, come on. Whose gone ?
Let's go here, Oscar, right here, you're on !
Ok Michael, both my parents were born in Mexico
and they moved to the united-states a year before I was born,
so I grew up in the united states and my parents were Mexicans.
That is a great story, that's the American dream right there, right ?
Thank you, yeah
Let me ask you is there a term besides Mexican, that you prefer ?
Something less offensive ?
- Mexican isn't offensive ! - Well it has certain connotations.
- Like what ? - Like... I don't know
- What connotations Michael ? - No...
- It must have been something - No, remember
- I'm just curious - Honesty, Empathy, Respect,
Jim ?
Hello ?
I have something here, I want you to take a card
put it on you fore... don't look at the card !
I want you to take the card, I want you to put it on you forehead and
take a card, any card
and I want you to treat other people like the race
that is on their forehead. So everybody has a different race
nobody knows what their race is, so
I want you to really go for it, cause this is real
you know this isn't just an exercise this is real life and
I have a dream that you all really let this spark fly
get it done !
Why ? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine
There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King,
tend to be more violent.
I'm not gonna do it but it's
oh this is a good one
- Hum, hi how are you ? - Fine, how are you ?
- Push it - Great
I admire your culture success in America.
Thank you.
Come on ! Olympics of sufferings right here Slavery versus Holocaust, come on !
- Whom am I supposed to be ? - It's called role play
well, that was an invert, we didn't actually plan that
Lot's of cultures eat rice, That doesn't help me
- Shalom, I'd like to apply for a loan. - That's nice, Dwight.
OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
OK, I like your food.
Uh, Outback Steakhouse, I'm Australian, mate !
- No... - Pam..."I like your food"?
No come on, stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam !
Let's do it, let's get ugly, let's get real.
OK, if I have to do this,
based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with,
you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Aw man, am I a woman ?
You'll notice, I didn't have anybody being Arab.
I thought that would be too explosive, uh, no pun intended.
But I just thought, "too soon" for Arabs.
Maybe next year. You know, the ball's in their court.
- What's you're watching ? - Supershow
- really ? - Yeah, I downloaded it on her computer
- I hope she doesn't mind, she has a lot of extra space. - No way ! I think she really likes this stuff
- she's cute hein ? - Yeah, she's engaged but
- oh, no, the girl on the... sketch - oh, yeah, she's hot
- Hey. - Hey.
- You wanna go to the beach ? - Sure.
- You wanna get high ? - No.
- I think you do, mon. - Stop it
you need to push it, you know you could go a little bit further
- Kelly, how are you ? - I've had one of the longest meeting I've ever...
Welcome to my convenient store. Would you like some gookie cookie ?
I have some very delicious gookie cookie, only 99 cents plus taxes
try my gookie cookie
all right, yes
that was great, she gets it
now she knows what it's like to be a minority.
Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sell day do we ? Excellent, ok
Let me just get your... what's that ?
No we didn't close last time...
I just need your...
oh, what code were you given
oh ok
yeah, no that's actually another sells-man here, yeah, I can re-do it if you want to do that
oh he gave you discount ? No, I don't blame you
I just hated it when that guy was in here,
Mr. brown ? If that was his real name !?
I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our things
I just wanted to do it our way, you know ?
On our own
man I should have gotten some food
- maybe some spaghetti - ok, Kevin you can take off that thing, ok ?
That would have really showed him up, wouldn't it ?
I've brought some burritos, some color greens, some pad thai, love pad thai
it's colored greens
doesn't really make sense, cause you don't call it colored people
that's offensive
ok, it's after five, so thank you very much
Buena vista Oscar thank you
good job oh my man !
Thank you brazil nice
hey, we can go
not a bad day !