The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Paul Williams Story - full transcript

Will you stop with that
terrible air freshener?

It's not air freshener,
it's disinfectant.

No wonder it
smells like the inside

of an ambulance here.

Put that cigar out, please.

No! I like it.

May I remind you that we
have a guest in the house?

My little daughter Edna is in
the other room with the sniffles.

Cigar smoke doesn't
bother sniffles.

Oscar, please, it's not nice

for a little girl with a cold



to have to breathe
cheap cigar smoke.

Put it out.

No. Give it to me!

You notice that Edna and I

are getting along a
little bit better now?

Yeah, that's terrific. Yeah.

Well, until her mother
comes back from Bermuda,

I think I've found the key.

You know what the secret is

for getting along with
kids today? What?

What the Beatles said.

Let them be. Let them be.

I'm gonna make her some tea.

Let the cigar be... I'm
gonna save it. No, no, no!



Whoa! It's got
disinfectant on it.

I'll smoke it at night.

It'll keep the bugs away.

I'm going to get the
concert tickets, Daddy.

Concert? Hey, classical, huh?

Classical.

She's going to a
Paul Williams concert.

Have you heard him?
He sings, not bad.

It's all in English.

He wrote great songs,

like "We've Only Just Begun,"

"You and Me Against the World"

and "Rainy Days and Mondays."

I know who Paul
Williams is. Oh, all right.

I'll see you in the
morning, Daddy.

(Felix stammering)

You'll see me in the morning?

How's that?

Well, some friends
and I are gonna stand

in line overnight to
make sure we get seats.

Overnight... on the sidewalk?

Well, sure, it's fun.

No, no, no, I don't
think that's fun.

No. Oh, come on, Daddy.

Don't be silly.

Even if you didn't have a cold,

I wouldn't let you stay
overnight on the sidewalk.

But Daddy... You will not go!

Yes, I will. You will not!

What happened to "let them be,

let them be"? Go to your room!

What happened to "let them be"?

You can't let them
be all the time.

What do the Beatles know?

To be a good parent,
you must be authoritative.

The child must know who's boss.

They respect that.

Edna, don't be mad at me.

Come on, I'll buy
you something...

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

My daughter hates me.

She's only been
here a short time.

Think how I feel about you.

Don't try to cheer me up.

This is serious.

I know why she wants to stand

in line all night long.

She's crazy in love
with that Paul Williams.

Better him than Alice Cooper.

A little girl stand...
she'll get pneumon...

Am I wrong? Tell me the truth.

Felix, sit down,
all right, sit down.

Will you promise, if
I tell you something,

you won't go overboard?

Please promise, all right? Yeah.

Now, don't jump,
please don't jump.

I think I can get you tickets

to Paul William" concert...
you're jumping. Oh, oh, oh!

See, I knew you were
gonna jump... I told you...

that's I didn't
want to tell you.

You'll make me a hero
for life, she'll love me.

How... how can you do that?

About a year ago,
I did an interview

with Paul Williams
about gliding.

Gliding? He does that? Yeah.

Yeah, he gets in a
plane with no motor,

a plane with a
motor takes him up,

lets him go and then he glides.

Goes up without a motor? Yeah.

Why would a man
do a thing like that?

Why would a man shampoo
a rug three times a week?

Because you... Never
mind, never mind.

If you do this for me, I'll...

anything, anything.

I'll cook anything
you want for a month.

Creamed chipped
beef on a doughnut?

Yeah. With raisins in it?

All right, now, now,
remember please,

I said it's a small chance.

He's a big singing
star, and I'm not sure...

Edna, Edna, we've got tickets

to the Paul Williams concert.

EDNA: Yippee!

♪ And oh, we
seldom get our due ♪

♪ When each day is through ♪

♪ I'll bring my
tired body home ♪

♪ You and me
against the world. ♪

There, there's the stamp
I wanted to show you.

It's from Brazil.

Look, sweetie... Did Uncle
Oscar say when he'd be home?

No, sweetheart. Well,
when he called before,

why didn't you ask him
if he had the tickets?

Because he couldn't talk.

He'd been gliding
with Paul Williams,

and he was in no
condition for a conversation.

Why not?

He was crying.

Look, sweetie, look.

He's home!

Oh, Mr. Unger?

Yeah. I'm Paul Williams.

Well, well.

Oscar, how was the gliding?

Uh, we ran into
a little turbulence.

Look out for the tree! Oscar!

Oscar, you're...
you're home now.

You're all right,
you're all right.

I prayed, Felix, and my
prayers were answered.

Felix, I promised God

tomorrow we'd move
down to the ground floor.

Mr. Williams, I... Yes?

I want you to meet
my daughter Edna.

She's dying to meet you.

How do you do?

FELIX: Edna?

See?

I think she's in awe of you.

It's my curse.

Well, come in, would
you like a piece of fruit?

No, thank you,
I'm really in a hurry.

I wanted to... to
bring Oscar home

and give you the tickets
for the concert. Oh.

Oh, thank you, how very nice.

Edna, it was nice
talking to you.

Wouldn't you like to
have dinner with us?

How long are you
gonna be in town?

You look as if you
could enjoy a good meal.

Well, thank you, but,
uh, after the show tonight,

I go to Albany for the
weekend. Albany, huh?

A little club up
there that I play

where I got my start,
you know, so I go back.

Isn't that nice...
Loyalty, I like that.

Would you like to
go instead of me?

Just kidding.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, Daddy!

(laughs)

Well, the old man's not
such a party pooper, huh?

Oh...

You feel warm to
me. No, I feel great.

No, no, you've got a
bit of fever, haven't you?

No, really, I'm fine.

Come on, we'll take
your temperature.

No, Daddy, really, I'm
fine. Come on, come on!

FELIX: How do you feel?

Oh, I'm great now.

"Yea, though I walk
through the valley

of the shadow of death..."

Mm-mm.

Take it again. Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm.

I'm sorry, honey,
I've taken it four times.

It still 102.

I've got to go to the concert.

You can't go,
darling, I'm sorry.

You're such a bummer!

Is that a nice way
to talk to your father?

Come on, cover up.

What's a bummer?

A person who never
likes to have any fun.

Me, not like to have fun?

Me? I'm the king of fun!

FELIX: Come on now.

Sit down here, sit down.

You can put your feet
up because you're sick.

Cover up, and we'll have
our own fun here at home.

We'll have a rock
concert right here.

We'll rock with opera.

La Traviata.

Oh, dynamite.

You know what La
Traviata means in Italian?

It means "the troubled girl",

and that's what you
are because you're sick,

but you're gonna get better.

Now, this girl in the
opera really has trouble

because she has consumption.

And you know why? 'Cause
she didn't keep covered up

when she had a bad cold.

Anyway, she's a
very lovely person,

but she's not quite
the kind of person

I'd like you to know,
because she is a...

member of the demimondaine.

She is a... she's a
lady of the evening.

You mean a hooker, Daddy?

Where do you
learn talk like that?

From your opera stories.

I gotta go to that concert!

I just gotta go to that concert!

(door closing)

Tell me the truth.

Am I a bad parent?

What should I do?

Tell me the rest of
that dirty opera story.

SPORTSCASTER: Well,
that was a great game.

We'll be back with the
start of our second game,

Alabama-Navy, right after
this message from our sponsor.

FELIX: Oscar? Yeah?

Look at this, look at that.

Today, it's 99,
isn't that great?

You see, I was
right not to let her go

to that concert
last night. Terrific.

Edna, soon you'll be normal!

With you as a father,
she'll never be normal.

(laughing)

That's cute, coming
from a nonparent.

Look, I've got to
cover a wedding.

Take care of her,
will you? Mm-hmm.

Just see that she's okay.

Don't let her go out.

That's the main thing. Okay.

Honey, I'm leaving now!

This is the bummer
saying good-bye.

You heard what I
told you, huh? Yes.

Okay.

Hello, Irwin... Oscar.

Yeah, I want to make a bet
on the Navy-Alabama game.

Well, I know I lost.

Give me a chance to
get even. I'm good for it.

Now what's the spread?

Three points? All right, give
me Navy and three points.

Yeah, they can't lose!

Okay, bye-bye, Irwin.

SPORTSCASTER:
Okay, folks, here we go.

Here come the
Midshipmen out on the field.

Wait a minute, there's some
kind of commotion down there.

Uh-oh, it's bad news
for you Navy fans.

The quarterback was
just bitten by the mascot.

He's out of the game.

For you mascot fans, he's fine.

Yeah? I'd like to see a
goat throw a forward pass!

Hello, Irwin... oh, you're busy!

Now I can't get the bet off.

Come on... oh, I can't
believe I... (mumbling)

Edna!

Edna?

I'm home, honey.

Guess who's home.

We're still pals.

(whispering): How is she?

Well, you know, she...

"I'm leaving.

"I can't take it anymore.

I can't stand being
treated like a child."

Oh, Oscar, we've been
through this 1,000 times.

Turn it over.

"I'm going to follow
Paul Williams.

Good-bye. Edna."

I'm sorry, Felix.

Well, say something, will you?

Will you scream,

will you holler,
will you hit me?

Here, pour beer on
me, ketchup, anything.

Don't be silly, I'm
not going to be crazy.

I'm not going to be dumb.

No time for recriminations.

It's a time to... think.

Other parents have
had to live with the pain

of a child running away.

Now I have to
live with that pain.

What am I going to do?

I have to go to Albany...
That's the thing to do...

And you're going
with me. Of course.

Thanks for being so
nice about it, Felix.

But first, I'll pour beer...

I can't do it, I can't do it.

Well, you should
because I deserve it.

I'll do it to myself...
Look at that.

PAUL WILLIAMS: ♪ Though
we seldom get our due ♪

♪ When each day is through ♪

♪ I'll bring my
tired body home ♪

♪ Look around for you ♪

♪ And me against the world ♪

♪ It feels like you and
me against the world ♪

♪ And for all the
times we cried ♪

♪ I always felt that God ♪

♪ Was on our side ♪

♪ And when one of us has gone ♪

♪ And one is left alone ♪

♪ To carry on ♪

♪ Then remembering
will have to do ♪

♪ Our memories alone ♪

♪ Will see us through ♪

♪ Think about the days ♪

♪ Of me and you ♪

♪ You and me
against the world. ♪

(song ends, applause)

Thank you.

Edna? Bless you.

I love coming back...

Edna? To you nice people.

It's good to be back
at the Tippietoe Room.

Are you here? I'm here.

Shh!

I'm being as quiet as I can be.

Let me guess... You're
looking for a table.

Rick, can we have a little light

for these elderly gentlemen?

We've got to get
them to a table.

Right in front.

Don't be ashamed.

Buy him a cup of Sanka... on me.

I gotta tell ya, I don't
do "Melancholy Baby"

until the second show.

(laughter)

I know these guys.

♪ It's just an
old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ Playing on the radio ♪

(audience applauding)

♪ And wrapped around the music ♪

♪ Is the sound of someone
promising they'll never go ♪

Edna!

Hey, that's not Edna.

I'm sorry.

What's the matter with
you? Will you relax?

We'll look for her after.

♪ We've come to know ♪

♪ You'll swear you've
heard it before ♪

♪ As it slowly
rambles on and on ♪

♪ No need in bringing 'em back ♪

♪ 'Cause they've
never really gone ♪

♪ It's just an
old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ Coming down in
three-part harmony ♪

♪ It's just an
old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ One I'm sure they
wrote for you and me ♪

♪ It's just an
old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ Coming down in
three-part harmony ♪

♪ It's just an
old-fashioned love song ♪

♪ One I'm sure they
wrote for you and me. ♪

(scatting)

(applause) Thank
you, you've been nice.

Good night.

(girls and women
screaming, clamoring)

Look at that waitress.

Wow!

What's the matter
with you? That's Edna.

It is?

Edna?

Daddy!

Oh, Edna.

Oh, my little girl, a waitress!

Look at all that
paint on your...

May I borrow this, please?

Daddy, oh, please
stop making a scene!

FELIX: I'm not making a scene!

Will you sit down, please?

I want to know what's going on!

Sit down and order something.

I order you to come home!

I'm sorry, we're
all out of that.

I will not have my daughter

be a waitress in a motel!

You're embarrassing me.

Will you please take a
walk, let me talk to her?

Please calm down. Go ahead.

She's underage!

Quiet, will you?

Man.

Sit down.

Here, have a seat, sweetheart.

Honey, I've got
to tell you the truth.

See, I'm kind of
like your father.

I'm surprised.

You always seemed so sensible.

I'm still sensible.

You call running
away like this sensible?

It seems pretty crazy to me...

unless, honey,
you've got some plan.

I-I have a plan... to
follow Paul Williams.

Why, you figure maybe
someday you'll get

to marry him or something? No.

Well, do you think or you feel

you're in love with him?

No.

Then, see, I don't understand.

You see, that's just it.

Neither does my father.

But Paul Williams
understands me.

Did you talk to him?

Did he tell you this? No.

I can tell by his songs.

He-He sings the
things that I feel.

Vivian, no mixing.

They want you in the kitchen.

I really have to get back

to work now, Uncle Oscar.

Okay.

Well, what did she say?

I don't understand.

You don't understand
her, either?

No, that's what she said.

I don't understand her,
you don't understand her.

Only Paul Williams
understands her.

Only Paul Williams understands.

Where was Paul Williams
when she had the mumps?

Where was Paul Williams
when she had the measles?

You mean, I should
talk to Paul Williams.

I think so, buddy.

(sighs)

I'm sorry, sir,
you can't go back.

I've got to see Paul
Williams. I'm sorry.

I've got to see Paul
Williams or I'll die.

It's always a matter
of life and death

with you groupies.

He's resting backstage.

We're friends of his.

I know, everybody says that.

Can you take him a note, please?

A quarter?

What is this, your allowance?

Oh, very funny.

Here, here, here, will
you take him the note?

Okay, I'll take it.

He's not gonna come out.

They never do.

Too busy with their fast women

and their fancy hair dryers.

Felix, will you relax?

It's only been ten minutes.

This is my daughter!

I know, but sit
down, try to relax.

What are you doing?

You told me to sit down.

Why don't you sit over there?

I'd be lonely over there.

This is a chair for two.

I'm very grateful that
you came along with me.

Oh... I don't have to tell you

I was getting a
little bit hysterical.

Yeah, it was hard not to notice,

the way you kept
trying to grab the wheel,

blow the horn...

And the bus
driver yelling at me,

"Sit down, sit down!"

Felix, Oscar?

I told you he'd come.

I thought that was you.

I can't believe you came.

I mean, nobody comes to Albany.

You saw my note?

Oh, it's beautiful.

You... you must really
love your daughter. Mm.

Will you talk to her?

Felix, I can't talk to her.

That would be lecturing.

I'm a... a singer, not a talker.

Oh, big deal,

Mr. Golden Record,
teenage idol...

Now, that's not fair, Felix.

I don't have to be
fair, I'm a crazy person.

Felix... relax.

Why don't you give me just a
minute alone with her inside?

I-I might be able to help.

Really, trust me.

You're not a crazy
person, either.

You're a nice man.

I'm gonna drag her home.

That's what I'm... Come on now.

Give him a shot, all right?

I'm going to get a cigar.

(sighs)

Don't ever have children.

(playing gentle melody)

Edna, sit down there, would you?

I just finished a new song.

I'd kind of like to
get your opinion of it.

Mine? Yeah, sit down, sit down.

A fellow gave me a note.

I read it; it... kind
of inspired me.

I... it said what I
think I'd want to say

to my daughter, you know,

if I ever have one, you know?

Listen.

♪ And even though
I'm not around ♪

♪ To pick you up the
times you're down ♪

♪ You know I think about
you each and every day ♪

♪ And though I
feel a love for you ♪

♪ That's always
growing, always new ♪

♪ The things I'm quick to feel
I'm sometimes slow to say ♪

♪ So I lay awake and worry ♪

♪ Are you hungry,
are you warm? ♪

♪ Why, there's nothing in
this world too good for you ♪

♪ And then I turn
around and make a list ♪

♪ Of things that
you can't have ♪

♪ I only hope my good
intentions still show through ♪

♪ You know the ones who love
you expect the most from you ♪

♪ Once I held a perfect baby ♪

♪ You slept soundly in my arms ♪

♪ Now a woman is
awakening in you ♪

♪ And I'll probably be jealous ♪

♪ When your first
love rolls around ♪

♪ I guess that calls for
extra understanding too ♪

♪ We'll order up a cup
of tolerance for two ♪

♪ You know the ones who love
you expect the most from you. ♪

Oh, that was beautiful.

Do you like it?
It was really nice.

You know who wrote that?

Your father wrote that.

Daddy? I swear.

I swear, the... the words are...

are changed around a little,

but the feelings, they're his.

Oscar, buy you a short beer.

Did you really write that?

I didn't write the music, but...

The words...

I never heard you
talk like that before.

I never said those
things before.

Sometimes it's very
hard to say things.

I know, it's hard for me, too.

How'd the wedding
go the other day?

When you've seen one Polish
wedding, you've seen them all.

Daddy, remember
when I was little,

when you used to
take me on your jobs?

It was the most fun I ever had.

Me, too.

Do you have a job tomorrow?

No.

Oh.

Well, that's okay, we
can do something else.

You're getting so big.

That's 'cause I'm
standing on the stage.

You look so cute
in this uniform.

You know, when you set a table,

never put your fingers
on the inside of a glass.

I love you, too.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

You know, something
good came out of all this.

Edna and I are closer together

than we ever were before.

I'll tell you something.

I owe it all to you.

Oh... No, I really do.

You're a wonderful
friend, Oscar.

I just hope you know that...

if the situation were reversed,

I'd do the same for you.

Just like that Paul
Williams song...

♪ It's you and me
against the world ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels it's you
and me against the world. ♪

I'm betting on the world.