The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Subway Story - full transcript
Oscar is fed up with being in New York City. To show him how much fun the city can be, Felix shows him around and they get stuck together in a stalled subway car.
(Murray laughing)
(laughing)
You reading the funnies?
(laughing)
No, it's Oscar's
column today. Yeah?
I didn't read it
yet. What's in it?
Oh, it's f...
It's all about his
softball league
in Central Park. Ah!
(laughing) L-Listen,
listen to this.
"A funny thing happened on
my way across Central Park.
I got across."
(laughing)
"People see there's a
lot of crime in New York.
"That's just a vicious rumor
started by a half
a million victims."
(laughing)
I don't think that's so funny.
Hey. "Now spring is here,
and the park is beautiful.
The tree was green,
the bird was singing."
(laughing)
Wait, wait... Must be
something wrong with me.
I don't know.
"Men and women
holding hands... up."
(laughing)
That's disgusting!
Stop it, you're killing me!
How can you laugh
at tripe like that?
Well, it's funny tripe.
Hey, Murray, how you doing?
Hey, Oscar, this is funny! Yeah?
Funny. Thanks.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself. Why?
This is our beloved
city you're making fun of.
Well, they're just jokes.
Just jokes? Yeah.
Just jokes, huh?
That's what the Polish
people started saying.
"They're just jokes, Stanislas."
Now look at them.
Felix, you're too sensitive.
You're darn right I'm sensitive!
This city has been plenty
good to me, and you, too.
And this is the way you
repay it, with stupid jokes.
"People are
holding hands... up."
(Murray and Oscar laughing)
That was a good one.
That was a good one.
Stop it! Stop it!
What's the matter with you?!
Don't you see where
this sort of thing can lead?
People will believe it.
Tourists will stop
coming to town.
Business will fall off.
People will lose their jobs.
And all because of your lies.
No, no, no, they're
not lies. They are lies.
No, they're not.
No, they're not.
They may be exaggerations,
but these jokes
are based on truth.
They're based on old,
worn-out, stupid clichés,
and I can prove it.
Go ahead, prove it.
Well, I...
No, go ahead... how
you gonna prove it?
I can... Go ahead. Sure you can.
If I can prove that
these clichés are false,
will you print a retraction?
Felix, if you can prove that
one of these clichés is false,
I'll print such a column
about New York,
everybody in the country
will want to move here.
You got yourself a deal,
Mr. Making a Fine Living
in a City You're Knocking.
Okay. But you better do it fast,
'cause I go on my vacation
to the Bahamas in three days.
Three days is all I need.
You're going to eat those words,
and I'm gonna pour the ketchup.
I think Felix is losing
his sense of humor.
Oh, forget about him.
Listen, you want
to hear about a joke
I'm gonna have in
tomorrow's column? Yeah.
I live in a very safe building.
Last night, there were three
cops in my lobby all night.
They were afraid to go outside.
(laughing)
That's not funny!
I wasn't afraid, it was cold!
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(car horn honks)
(car horn blaring)
(children laughing, shouting)
Those comedians with their
jokes about Central Park.
What's more beautiful than
New York on a Sunday afternoon?
It is nice, but what do you
hope to accomplish here?
Well, I've been going
about this the wrong way.
You don't stop New Yorkers
when they're rushing off to work.
They're, they're busy people.
They're building the world,
they've got things
on their mind. All right.
What do you want
me to do? Well...
I want to explode the cliché
that New Yorkers are rude.
Look at this.
Just look around;
it-it's beautiful.
Nobody's grouchy in
Central Park on a Sunday.
Look at that, people
playing volleyball,
they're playing shuffleboard,
people are feeding pigeons.
Look. Over there, you see?
Oscar's playing softball.
This won't take long, will it?
Why, what's your hurry?
Well, I've got to pick my
mother up at the airport.
Your mother?!
She's coming here? Mm-hmm.
Where's she going
to stay, with you?
Yes.
For how long? Couple of weeks.
You mean, she's going
to be there all the time?
I guess so.
You mean, we... I guess not.
Ah, boy!
(chuckles) I'm sorry.
You're sorry, and after
you just got over a cold.
(chuckles)
These things happen, you know.
Yes, they happen
all the time, to me.
(bat hitting ball)
OSCAR: I got it! I got it!
I got it! I got... oop!
Oh, I got it, I got it!
I caught it, fellas!
Game's over!
Game's over there! There you go!
Five dollars a man!
See you next week!
You cheated. Shh!
He cheated! You
didn't catch the ball!
Shut up, will you?
What are you doing here anyway?
I'm going to explode the cliché
that New Yorkers are rude.
Are you crazy?
The people here
are the same people
that threw garbage
at you yesterday.
Only it's Sunday; they're
taking a rudeness break.
All right.
I'll change my clichés.
I'm allowed to do that.
Come here, come here.
Miriam, help me, help me. Yeah.
Look, now, you two...
What do you want me to do?
Beat the hell out of Miriam.
(chuckles): What? What?
Yeah, yeah.
Then I'll explode the cliché
that New Yorkers are
indifferent to someone in trouble.
They'll come over to help.
Yeah, and I'll get arrested.
No. Then I'll explain to them
what's going on.
Go on, go on. Beat...
This is gonna be interesting.
If it's all right with you...
I never beat up a woman.
Where do you hit her?
Well, you just,
you take her, you...
(screaming) Felix!
FELIX: It's her
purse. Take her purse.
Give me that purse!
He's taking her purse!
All right, what do I
do? Hit her with it.
Hit her hard. Help!
Look what this
man is doing! Help!
Okay, run away.
Run off with the purse. Help me!
Hey, you, come back!
Come back here,
you... Don't come back.
You said come back. No, no, go!
Go, go, go!
Hold the purse high.
Look where, where he went!
Why doesn't
somebody help this girl?!
CROWD: Why don't you?!
Get up. You look ridiculous.
Get out of here!
It's her purse!
(no audio)
(no audio)
(whistling)
(doorbell buzzes) Come in.
Hi, Oscar.
Hi, Miriam.
Haven't you packed yet?
You're leaving
in a little while.
It only takes me a
minute to pack... there.
You're taking your dirty
laundry to the Bahamas?
That's my clean stuff.
Where's Felix?
He's out, trying
to explode clichés.
I feel so sorry for him.
He's really discouraged.
Is it raining out?
What happened, Felix?
Miriam, would you mind...
leaving me alone with
Oscar for just a minute or two?
Oh, sure. I'll see you later.
Have a nice trip, Oscar.
All right, honey, I'll see
you when I get back.
Bye-bye.
Why'd you send her out?
I didn't want her
to see me fall apart.
She thinks I'm macho.
What happened?
A vicious child splashed me.
Oh, go off to the Bahamas.
Go with your victory.
I concede it. I concede it.
Aw, come on, buddy.
Now, don't take it so hard.
Look, you're gonna still see
me off to the boat, aren't you?
Yeah, sure.
We'll go through the park.
We'll watch the lovers
holding hands... up.
Aw.
We'll see the
tree, hear the bird.
Aw, come on, Felix, please.
All right, I'll change my
clothes, we'll get a cab.
No, we-we're gonna
have to go by subway.
The cabs are on strike.
Is there no end?
Is there no end?
New York!
Why are you doing this to me?!
Why, why, why, why
me, your most loyal son?!
WOMAN (outside):
Shut up down there!
(window slams)
Could you see who it was?
Miriam's mother.
All right.
(subway engine chugging)
I don't believe it.
I don't believe I'm starting
a trip to the
Bahamas on the IRT.
At least you're leaving.
I ride the subway
every day of my life.
I haven't been on a
subway in five years.
I can't tell you how
much we missed you.
One of the reasons I
haven't been on it, see.
That man's got a big mouth. Shh.
Don't talk to nuts
on the subway.
Be happy, smile.
You're going off
on a wonderful trip.
You're wearing your
beautiful Bahamas shirt.
Oh, I'm gonna have
such a good time.
Oh, boy. For two weeks,
I'm gonna have fresh air,
a lot of women, gamble.
I'm gonna eat...
oh, it's gonna be...
I envy you, I envy you.
(screeching)
What are you, one
of the glitter people?
Come on, will you?
Again with the big mouth.
Where are we?
I don't know, we
seem to be in a tunnel.
MAN (over speaker):
Uh, this is the conductor.
We seem to have an
electrical breakdown.
All power is off.
We're stuck here indefinitely.
We'll try to keep the lights
on as long as possible.
At least we don't have
to look at your shirt.
You hear?
You see the hostility?
That's your typical New Yorker.
You thought you saw
hostility in the park?
Wait till you see
it here in the dark.
No, no, you're wrong.
Now you're really
going to see something.
I was right... you'll see.
Remember, during the blackout?
A crisis brings out the
best in New Yorkers.
It brings people
closer together.
Anybody gets closer to
me, they'll lose their face.
Just keep your mouth shut.
The secret is, you
get people involved.
You ask them to help.
Oh, shh, will you?
Say, folks...
anybody in this
car got a flashlight?
I don't hear anything.
What? It's dark.
They can't hear in the dark.
Anybody in our car?
Anybody got a flashlight?
Yeah, and if anybody
comes near me,
I'll hit him over
the head with it.
She heard you pretty good.
Would you turn it on, please?
It's broken.
Well, why do you carry it?
WOMAN: To hit people
over the head with.
It takes a little time.
CONDUCTOR: We've been
able to restore partial power.
However, the train will
be stuck here indefinitely.
Have a nice day.
I'll miss the cruise.
No, no, no, you're
going to make it.
And if I don't? It's not
the Staten Island Ferry.
They don't have one
leaving every ten minutes.
You're setting the wrong mood.
Relax, be friendly.
Mind if I borrow your
newspaper for a minute?
Hey, what am I, a library?
There you go. Give me the paper.
Can't be civil to
the New Yorker.
Folks... my name is Felix Unger.
Backwards, that's Xilef Regnu.
I didn't like it frontwards.
(laughing)
Now, I think we should all try
to cooperate in a crisis.
Don't you? I mean, after all,
that's what New
Yorkers are famous for.
Let's all see what we
can do for each other.
Well, I got some food.
My wife and I were
going on a picnic.
You see, you see?
Now, there's the right attitude.
I'll bet there are a lot
of people here who are hungry.
Well, I got some apples here.
A dollar apiece.
The sandwiches are four dollars,
and, uh, coffee
is 70 cents a cup.
That's outrageous.
It's expensive to eat out.
Four dollars for a sandwich?
They're individually wrapped.
I can't believe this. I can.
Listen, later, you'll be
begging for this food,
and then the prices will go up.
Listen, you got
a tuna fish salad?
Aw, no, no, no, no, no,
don't encourage him.
People, let's work together;
let's help each other.
Felix. Yes, sir.
How come you and your
friend are the only ones
sitting under the only
fan that's operating?
Good point.
Very good point.
Tell you what...
we'll take turns
sitting under the fan.
You see, people are
starting to cooperate.
I don't want to take turns.
Just a minute. Me first.
All right.
This lady is first.
Then in a little while,
somebody else
will sit under the fan.
When I'm good and ready.
Fair enough.
Claustrophobia.
You got that?
No, I just hope I don't get it.
What are you talking
about claustrophobia?
There's no need to panic.
If you want some fresh
air, we'll get some fresh air.
All you got to do
is... (screaming)
Help! Let me out!
Take it easy. Take it easy.
Just go sit down.
Everybody, don't get excited.
Don't panic. No need.
Just keep calm. Just keep calm.
Oscar.
Everybody, just be relaxed.
I think it's time for our
Harvey Hanky to come out.
Who's Harvey Hanky?
Don't you remember Harvey Hanky?
Give me your pen.
Saved many a dull party
in the old fraternity house.
That's right.
When people feel like panicking,
you take out Harvey...
What the heck is that?
(falsetto): Hi, there, folks.
My name is Harvey Hanky.
If you think it's stuffy
here in this subway car,
you ought to try
living in a pocket.
(cackling)
Well...
(normal voice): Well, what
are you doing, Harvey?
(falsetto): Well,
I thought I'd talk
to various people
here in the subway.
Excuse me, sir.
You look like a nice man.
What's your name?
(normal voice):
Say Oscar Madison.
(falsetto): What's your name?
Oscar Madison.
Oscar Madison!
That's a nice name.
Are you a native New Yorker?
Yes, I am.
Ah!
How long have you
lived in New York?
All my life.
Oh, that's why you're
a native New Yorker.
(cackles)
What are you doing
here in the subway?
Dying of embarrassment.
Well, Harvey, what are
you going to do now?
Well, I guess I'll talk
to some more people
around here in the subway.
Here's a nice-looking man.
What's your name, sir?
Harry Hit.
Get out of here with
that thing, will ya?!
Well, Harvey, I guess it's time
to put you back in my pocket.
Oh, no, no, no!
Please don't put me
back in your pocket.
Yes, yes, I'm afraid...
(muffled): Oh, no, no...
(muffled protesting)
Who else shall we
chat with around here?
Pencil, Felix?
Pencil. Yes, that's
a very good idea.
I'll have a pencil. How much?
Two dollars.
Two dollars for a pencil?
Okay, swell.
Thank you very much.
This pencil's all chewed.
Don't you have a better one?
There we are. Thank
you. Thank you.
Ah, I got a pencil here.
Well, no need to feel bored
or restless on the subway,
plenty to keep you
amused around here,
if you just have your eyes open.
"Learn to draw."
Anybody want to draw?
I got a two-dollar pencil.
What'll I do with this pencil?
Okay...
Well, let's see
what we've got here.
Oh... "Find employment
through the New York Herald."
Oh, isn't that clever
how they abbreviate
all the words,
just like in an ad.
"Incrs ernings. Get gd jb."
Bet a lot of people here
would like to get a "gd jb."
Oscar, would you like a "gd jb."
I'm gonna shut "yr mth."
"Meet Miss Rapid Transit of
the Month: Arlene Patulski."
Oh, she's a very
good-looking girl,
much better than last month.
Boy, they touch these
pictures up plenty, I'll tell...
You are... Yes.
You're Arlene Patulski.
Yes. Oh, wow!
We've got a
celebrity in our car!
Hey, this is Miss Rapid Transit.
Meet her.
Hey, wouldn't you like to
say something to her? Felix!
Wouldn't you like to go
outside and kiss the third rail?
Come on.
Don't be shy, ask her something.
Well, how about
getting this train moving?
How's that? Me?
Yeah, if you're such a
big shot around here,
let's see some action.
What can I do? Folks.
Sure, sure, Miss Rapid Transit.
Probably the
conductor's girlfriend.
You said it, pal.
Sure, if I played footsie
with the conductor,
my picture would
be up there, too.
I don't know.
I am nobody's girlfriend.
Well, then, what are
you doing tonight?
Because I'm gonna
miss the cruise.
I know a place... Oscar, Oscar.
What? Please.
Please, uh, I'm only a model.
This is my first time
on a subway... I...
Oh... wha...?
Oh...
That's supposed to
be up there all month.
Some people are so crude.
This is a job for Harvey Hanky.
Oh, it's... oh, it's worse.
Why don't you and
that rotten hanky
sit down and leave
everybody alone?
It's a nose job.
OSCAR: All right.
Give me a sandwich.
What have you got?
Have you been eating
up all the profits?
That's why we'll
never get ahead.
All I got is
liverwurst. I'll take it.
That's eight dollars now.
Eight dollars...
are you kidding?
Give me half.
Nothing doing.
I'm not cutting up
my last sandwich.
Who wants to go halvies
on a liverwurst sandwich?
Chiseler.
All right, here's
the eight dollars.
Wait, there's tax.
In your ear, there's
gonna be tax.
Hey, there.
How are you, fella, huh?
What's the matter?
Something wrong with this dog.
He looks okay to me.
Dog looks okay to you?
Can you see this dog?
Big dog.
You're not blind.
Shh!
Here... take another pencil.
Have you no shame?
All right.
It's my brother Bernie's dog.
I always take him out
when I need a few bucks.
Man, it's bright in here.
I give up.
That's it.
You're right, you win.
The whole thing is impossible.
Well, you know, there really is
something wrong with this dog.
She's going to have puppies.
Who are you, Marlin Perkins?
We don't have to be an expert
to know that she's
about to give birth.
Hey, and she's about ready.
Can you do anything to help her?
I don't know how.
She don't know how from Ohio.
Somebody's gotta help the dog.
My brother's a doctor.
Is he on the train? No.
Well, what are you
wasting my time for?
How about Felix?
How about him?
Well, he knew how
to make a hanky talk.
I figure he knows everything.
Yeah, hey, your friend
Felix can help the dog.
Why should he?
He's fed up, and
I don't blame him.
Boy, you guys would take
the spirit out of anybody.
You with your newspaper
and your smart cracks.
You with your
eight-dollar sandwiches.
Yeah, a phony blind guy
selling chewed-up
pencils for two dollars.
Boy, you guys sure
took it out of him.
You know, he was the
last loyal New Yorker left.
I'm gonna tell you
something, we're lucky
if he doesn't move
out of the city forever.
Well, we should help the dog.
Come on. Yeah.
All right, we'll do something.
I don't know what to do,
maybe we can help him.
(murmuring)
Felix, if you do know something
about helping the dog,
you should do it, you know?
Dogs don't need any help.
They know how to
do it all by themselves.
They do? Of course.
Hey, I better tell them.
They're really
worried. No, no, no.
Why not?
Now you're going to
see a cliché exploded.
Felix, listen!
We've all been
talking, and we're sorry.
The guy with the
newspapers, he'll give you one.
And the fellow
with the sandwich,
you can have anything he has.
And you can even
sit under the fan,
but if you know anything
about helping that dog,
could you tell us how to do it?
Well, let's take a little look.
See what we ought to do here.
Hey, here comes Felix.
Okay, let's give
the dog plenty of air.
Lie down, sweetheart, lie down.
I tell you, we need newspapers.
Here, you can have my paper.
We'll spread newspapers on the floor.
That's right... now,
next thing we need,
we need hot water.
Who's got hot water?
I do. I was saving it for tea,
but I'll take the loss.
Good, good, great.
Now... Can I help?
Yes, we need bed sheets.
Where am I gonna find
bed sheets on a subway?
Hmm, good question.
Men's shirts.
All the men, give
me your shirts.
Yes... not you, you
don't have to do it.
Now, you fan the
dog with your shirts,
give him... give
her plenty of air
and just be patient,
don't get her excited.
You see that?
You see what I'm talking about?
That gruffness,
that's just a pose.
That's just a mask.
This is the real New Yorker.
This is what people
come from out of town
to meet and to love.
(murmuring, whispering)
They sure fooled
me, I'm telling...
Felix, I'm gonna write an
article about this situation
that's gonna make
you very happy.
You're going to apologize
to New York, huh?
I apologize, New York.
And I think you
owe me an apology.
I apologize, Felix Unger.
(falsetto): And I think you
should apologize to me, too.
I'm not going to
apologize to Harvey Hanky.
That's it... no, sir, no, sir.
I'm not going to
apologize to him.
(scatting)
(laughing, cheering)
Put these lights on him.
(brakes screeching)
(cheering, whooping)
Hey, fellas!
Everybody, give
me a telephone call.
We'll all go to a
movie next week.
So long, Mel!
Don't forget, we're
having lunch soon.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Felix. Good-bye.
Be careful now,
don't get her excited.
They're very, very
protective now.
(growling)
CONDUCTOR:
Passengers, attention.
Please transfer to
the opposite platform.
This train is going to the
railroad yard for repairs.
You'll take your
cruise ticket back,
and you'll get a refund.
And then, you'll
spend your vacation
in the most popular
vacation spot on earth.
Where is that? New York City.
I live in New York City.
You ever been
to the top of the Empire
State Building? No.
You ever seen the
Statue of Liberty? No.
You're a typical New Yorker.
We'll take the bus
to Orchard Beach,
you'll put on your army shoes.
You'll walk in the sand.
And you'll see what a
railroad yard looks like.
Hi, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing?
Pretty good, thanks.
Do you know what today is?
Thursday.
Uh-uh. Guess again.
What?
It's a very important
anniversary.
Oh, yes, Belmont
Racetrack's 40th year.
Wrong.
Absolutely dead wrong.
What?
It is eight weeks to the day
that we were
trapped in the subway.
So?
I brought you a little memento.
What?
(puppy whimpering)
Aw, I don't believe it.
Isn't that something?
Isn't that something?
What are you gonna call him?
I'm calling him Yawbus.
Yawbus... what's that?
"Subway" spelled backwards.
(laughing)
You reading the funnies?
(laughing)
No, it's Oscar's
column today. Yeah?
I didn't read it
yet. What's in it?
Oh, it's f...
It's all about his
softball league
in Central Park. Ah!
(laughing) L-Listen,
listen to this.
"A funny thing happened on
my way across Central Park.
I got across."
(laughing)
"People see there's a
lot of crime in New York.
"That's just a vicious rumor
started by a half
a million victims."
(laughing)
I don't think that's so funny.
Hey. "Now spring is here,
and the park is beautiful.
The tree was green,
the bird was singing."
(laughing)
Wait, wait... Must be
something wrong with me.
I don't know.
"Men and women
holding hands... up."
(laughing)
That's disgusting!
Stop it, you're killing me!
How can you laugh
at tripe like that?
Well, it's funny tripe.
Hey, Murray, how you doing?
Hey, Oscar, this is funny! Yeah?
Funny. Thanks.
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself. Why?
This is our beloved
city you're making fun of.
Well, they're just jokes.
Just jokes? Yeah.
Just jokes, huh?
That's what the Polish
people started saying.
"They're just jokes, Stanislas."
Now look at them.
Felix, you're too sensitive.
You're darn right I'm sensitive!
This city has been plenty
good to me, and you, too.
And this is the way you
repay it, with stupid jokes.
"People are
holding hands... up."
(Murray and Oscar laughing)
That was a good one.
That was a good one.
Stop it! Stop it!
What's the matter with you?!
Don't you see where
this sort of thing can lead?
People will believe it.
Tourists will stop
coming to town.
Business will fall off.
People will lose their jobs.
And all because of your lies.
No, no, no, they're
not lies. They are lies.
No, they're not.
No, they're not.
They may be exaggerations,
but these jokes
are based on truth.
They're based on old,
worn-out, stupid clichés,
and I can prove it.
Go ahead, prove it.
Well, I...
No, go ahead... how
you gonna prove it?
I can... Go ahead. Sure you can.
If I can prove that
these clichés are false,
will you print a retraction?
Felix, if you can prove that
one of these clichés is false,
I'll print such a column
about New York,
everybody in the country
will want to move here.
You got yourself a deal,
Mr. Making a Fine Living
in a City You're Knocking.
Okay. But you better do it fast,
'cause I go on my vacation
to the Bahamas in three days.
Three days is all I need.
You're going to eat those words,
and I'm gonna pour the ketchup.
I think Felix is losing
his sense of humor.
Oh, forget about him.
Listen, you want
to hear about a joke
I'm gonna have in
tomorrow's column? Yeah.
I live in a very safe building.
Last night, there were three
cops in my lobby all night.
They were afraid to go outside.
(laughing)
That's not funny!
I wasn't afraid, it was cold!
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(car horn honks)
(car horn blaring)
(children laughing, shouting)
Those comedians with their
jokes about Central Park.
What's more beautiful than
New York on a Sunday afternoon?
It is nice, but what do you
hope to accomplish here?
Well, I've been going
about this the wrong way.
You don't stop New Yorkers
when they're rushing off to work.
They're, they're busy people.
They're building the world,
they've got things
on their mind. All right.
What do you want
me to do? Well...
I want to explode the cliché
that New Yorkers are rude.
Look at this.
Just look around;
it-it's beautiful.
Nobody's grouchy in
Central Park on a Sunday.
Look at that, people
playing volleyball,
they're playing shuffleboard,
people are feeding pigeons.
Look. Over there, you see?
Oscar's playing softball.
This won't take long, will it?
Why, what's your hurry?
Well, I've got to pick my
mother up at the airport.
Your mother?!
She's coming here? Mm-hmm.
Where's she going
to stay, with you?
Yes.
For how long? Couple of weeks.
You mean, she's going
to be there all the time?
I guess so.
You mean, we... I guess not.
Ah, boy!
(chuckles) I'm sorry.
You're sorry, and after
you just got over a cold.
(chuckles)
These things happen, you know.
Yes, they happen
all the time, to me.
(bat hitting ball)
OSCAR: I got it! I got it!
I got it! I got... oop!
Oh, I got it, I got it!
I caught it, fellas!
Game's over!
Game's over there! There you go!
Five dollars a man!
See you next week!
You cheated. Shh!
He cheated! You
didn't catch the ball!
Shut up, will you?
What are you doing here anyway?
I'm going to explode the cliché
that New Yorkers are rude.
Are you crazy?
The people here
are the same people
that threw garbage
at you yesterday.
Only it's Sunday; they're
taking a rudeness break.
All right.
I'll change my clichés.
I'm allowed to do that.
Come here, come here.
Miriam, help me, help me. Yeah.
Look, now, you two...
What do you want me to do?
Beat the hell out of Miriam.
(chuckles): What? What?
Yeah, yeah.
Then I'll explode the cliché
that New Yorkers are
indifferent to someone in trouble.
They'll come over to help.
Yeah, and I'll get arrested.
No. Then I'll explain to them
what's going on.
Go on, go on. Beat...
This is gonna be interesting.
If it's all right with you...
I never beat up a woman.
Where do you hit her?
Well, you just,
you take her, you...
(screaming) Felix!
FELIX: It's her
purse. Take her purse.
Give me that purse!
He's taking her purse!
All right, what do I
do? Hit her with it.
Hit her hard. Help!
Look what this
man is doing! Help!
Okay, run away.
Run off with the purse. Help me!
Hey, you, come back!
Come back here,
you... Don't come back.
You said come back. No, no, go!
Go, go, go!
Hold the purse high.
Look where, where he went!
Why doesn't
somebody help this girl?!
CROWD: Why don't you?!
Get up. You look ridiculous.
Get out of here!
It's her purse!
(no audio)
(no audio)
(whistling)
(doorbell buzzes) Come in.
Hi, Oscar.
Hi, Miriam.
Haven't you packed yet?
You're leaving
in a little while.
It only takes me a
minute to pack... there.
You're taking your dirty
laundry to the Bahamas?
That's my clean stuff.
Where's Felix?
He's out, trying
to explode clichés.
I feel so sorry for him.
He's really discouraged.
Is it raining out?
What happened, Felix?
Miriam, would you mind...
leaving me alone with
Oscar for just a minute or two?
Oh, sure. I'll see you later.
Have a nice trip, Oscar.
All right, honey, I'll see
you when I get back.
Bye-bye.
Why'd you send her out?
I didn't want her
to see me fall apart.
She thinks I'm macho.
What happened?
A vicious child splashed me.
Oh, go off to the Bahamas.
Go with your victory.
I concede it. I concede it.
Aw, come on, buddy.
Now, don't take it so hard.
Look, you're gonna still see
me off to the boat, aren't you?
Yeah, sure.
We'll go through the park.
We'll watch the lovers
holding hands... up.
Aw.
We'll see the
tree, hear the bird.
Aw, come on, Felix, please.
All right, I'll change my
clothes, we'll get a cab.
No, we-we're gonna
have to go by subway.
The cabs are on strike.
Is there no end?
Is there no end?
New York!
Why are you doing this to me?!
Why, why, why, why
me, your most loyal son?!
WOMAN (outside):
Shut up down there!
(window slams)
Could you see who it was?
Miriam's mother.
All right.
(subway engine chugging)
I don't believe it.
I don't believe I'm starting
a trip to the
Bahamas on the IRT.
At least you're leaving.
I ride the subway
every day of my life.
I haven't been on a
subway in five years.
I can't tell you how
much we missed you.
One of the reasons I
haven't been on it, see.
That man's got a big mouth. Shh.
Don't talk to nuts
on the subway.
Be happy, smile.
You're going off
on a wonderful trip.
You're wearing your
beautiful Bahamas shirt.
Oh, I'm gonna have
such a good time.
Oh, boy. For two weeks,
I'm gonna have fresh air,
a lot of women, gamble.
I'm gonna eat...
oh, it's gonna be...
I envy you, I envy you.
(screeching)
What are you, one
of the glitter people?
Come on, will you?
Again with the big mouth.
Where are we?
I don't know, we
seem to be in a tunnel.
MAN (over speaker):
Uh, this is the conductor.
We seem to have an
electrical breakdown.
All power is off.
We're stuck here indefinitely.
We'll try to keep the lights
on as long as possible.
At least we don't have
to look at your shirt.
You hear?
You see the hostility?
That's your typical New Yorker.
You thought you saw
hostility in the park?
Wait till you see
it here in the dark.
No, no, you're wrong.
Now you're really
going to see something.
I was right... you'll see.
Remember, during the blackout?
A crisis brings out the
best in New Yorkers.
It brings people
closer together.
Anybody gets closer to
me, they'll lose their face.
Just keep your mouth shut.
The secret is, you
get people involved.
You ask them to help.
Oh, shh, will you?
Say, folks...
anybody in this
car got a flashlight?
I don't hear anything.
What? It's dark.
They can't hear in the dark.
Anybody in our car?
Anybody got a flashlight?
Yeah, and if anybody
comes near me,
I'll hit him over
the head with it.
She heard you pretty good.
Would you turn it on, please?
It's broken.
Well, why do you carry it?
WOMAN: To hit people
over the head with.
It takes a little time.
CONDUCTOR: We've been
able to restore partial power.
However, the train will
be stuck here indefinitely.
Have a nice day.
I'll miss the cruise.
No, no, no, you're
going to make it.
And if I don't? It's not
the Staten Island Ferry.
They don't have one
leaving every ten minutes.
You're setting the wrong mood.
Relax, be friendly.
Mind if I borrow your
newspaper for a minute?
Hey, what am I, a library?
There you go. Give me the paper.
Can't be civil to
the New Yorker.
Folks... my name is Felix Unger.
Backwards, that's Xilef Regnu.
I didn't like it frontwards.
(laughing)
Now, I think we should all try
to cooperate in a crisis.
Don't you? I mean, after all,
that's what New
Yorkers are famous for.
Let's all see what we
can do for each other.
Well, I got some food.
My wife and I were
going on a picnic.
You see, you see?
Now, there's the right attitude.
I'll bet there are a lot
of people here who are hungry.
Well, I got some apples here.
A dollar apiece.
The sandwiches are four dollars,
and, uh, coffee
is 70 cents a cup.
That's outrageous.
It's expensive to eat out.
Four dollars for a sandwich?
They're individually wrapped.
I can't believe this. I can.
Listen, later, you'll be
begging for this food,
and then the prices will go up.
Listen, you got
a tuna fish salad?
Aw, no, no, no, no, no,
don't encourage him.
People, let's work together;
let's help each other.
Felix. Yes, sir.
How come you and your
friend are the only ones
sitting under the only
fan that's operating?
Good point.
Very good point.
Tell you what...
we'll take turns
sitting under the fan.
You see, people are
starting to cooperate.
I don't want to take turns.
Just a minute. Me first.
All right.
This lady is first.
Then in a little while,
somebody else
will sit under the fan.
When I'm good and ready.
Fair enough.
Claustrophobia.
You got that?
No, I just hope I don't get it.
What are you talking
about claustrophobia?
There's no need to panic.
If you want some fresh
air, we'll get some fresh air.
All you got to do
is... (screaming)
Help! Let me out!
Take it easy. Take it easy.
Just go sit down.
Everybody, don't get excited.
Don't panic. No need.
Just keep calm. Just keep calm.
Oscar.
Everybody, just be relaxed.
I think it's time for our
Harvey Hanky to come out.
Who's Harvey Hanky?
Don't you remember Harvey Hanky?
Give me your pen.
Saved many a dull party
in the old fraternity house.
That's right.
When people feel like panicking,
you take out Harvey...
What the heck is that?
(falsetto): Hi, there, folks.
My name is Harvey Hanky.
If you think it's stuffy
here in this subway car,
you ought to try
living in a pocket.
(cackling)
Well...
(normal voice): Well, what
are you doing, Harvey?
(falsetto): Well,
I thought I'd talk
to various people
here in the subway.
Excuse me, sir.
You look like a nice man.
What's your name?
(normal voice):
Say Oscar Madison.
(falsetto): What's your name?
Oscar Madison.
Oscar Madison!
That's a nice name.
Are you a native New Yorker?
Yes, I am.
Ah!
How long have you
lived in New York?
All my life.
Oh, that's why you're
a native New Yorker.
(cackles)
What are you doing
here in the subway?
Dying of embarrassment.
Well, Harvey, what are
you going to do now?
Well, I guess I'll talk
to some more people
around here in the subway.
Here's a nice-looking man.
What's your name, sir?
Harry Hit.
Get out of here with
that thing, will ya?!
Well, Harvey, I guess it's time
to put you back in my pocket.
Oh, no, no, no!
Please don't put me
back in your pocket.
Yes, yes, I'm afraid...
(muffled): Oh, no, no...
(muffled protesting)
Who else shall we
chat with around here?
Pencil, Felix?
Pencil. Yes, that's
a very good idea.
I'll have a pencil. How much?
Two dollars.
Two dollars for a pencil?
Okay, swell.
Thank you very much.
This pencil's all chewed.
Don't you have a better one?
There we are. Thank
you. Thank you.
Ah, I got a pencil here.
Well, no need to feel bored
or restless on the subway,
plenty to keep you
amused around here,
if you just have your eyes open.
"Learn to draw."
Anybody want to draw?
I got a two-dollar pencil.
What'll I do with this pencil?
Okay...
Well, let's see
what we've got here.
Oh... "Find employment
through the New York Herald."
Oh, isn't that clever
how they abbreviate
all the words,
just like in an ad.
"Incrs ernings. Get gd jb."
Bet a lot of people here
would like to get a "gd jb."
Oscar, would you like a "gd jb."
I'm gonna shut "yr mth."
"Meet Miss Rapid Transit of
the Month: Arlene Patulski."
Oh, she's a very
good-looking girl,
much better than last month.
Boy, they touch these
pictures up plenty, I'll tell...
You are... Yes.
You're Arlene Patulski.
Yes. Oh, wow!
We've got a
celebrity in our car!
Hey, this is Miss Rapid Transit.
Meet her.
Hey, wouldn't you like to
say something to her? Felix!
Wouldn't you like to go
outside and kiss the third rail?
Come on.
Don't be shy, ask her something.
Well, how about
getting this train moving?
How's that? Me?
Yeah, if you're such a
big shot around here,
let's see some action.
What can I do? Folks.
Sure, sure, Miss Rapid Transit.
Probably the
conductor's girlfriend.
You said it, pal.
Sure, if I played footsie
with the conductor,
my picture would
be up there, too.
I don't know.
I am nobody's girlfriend.
Well, then, what are
you doing tonight?
Because I'm gonna
miss the cruise.
I know a place... Oscar, Oscar.
What? Please.
Please, uh, I'm only a model.
This is my first time
on a subway... I...
Oh... wha...?
Oh...
That's supposed to
be up there all month.
Some people are so crude.
This is a job for Harvey Hanky.
Oh, it's... oh, it's worse.
Why don't you and
that rotten hanky
sit down and leave
everybody alone?
It's a nose job.
OSCAR: All right.
Give me a sandwich.
What have you got?
Have you been eating
up all the profits?
That's why we'll
never get ahead.
All I got is
liverwurst. I'll take it.
That's eight dollars now.
Eight dollars...
are you kidding?
Give me half.
Nothing doing.
I'm not cutting up
my last sandwich.
Who wants to go halvies
on a liverwurst sandwich?
Chiseler.
All right, here's
the eight dollars.
Wait, there's tax.
In your ear, there's
gonna be tax.
Hey, there.
How are you, fella, huh?
What's the matter?
Something wrong with this dog.
He looks okay to me.
Dog looks okay to you?
Can you see this dog?
Big dog.
You're not blind.
Shh!
Here... take another pencil.
Have you no shame?
All right.
It's my brother Bernie's dog.
I always take him out
when I need a few bucks.
Man, it's bright in here.
I give up.
That's it.
You're right, you win.
The whole thing is impossible.
Well, you know, there really is
something wrong with this dog.
She's going to have puppies.
Who are you, Marlin Perkins?
We don't have to be an expert
to know that she's
about to give birth.
Hey, and she's about ready.
Can you do anything to help her?
I don't know how.
She don't know how from Ohio.
Somebody's gotta help the dog.
My brother's a doctor.
Is he on the train? No.
Well, what are you
wasting my time for?
How about Felix?
How about him?
Well, he knew how
to make a hanky talk.
I figure he knows everything.
Yeah, hey, your friend
Felix can help the dog.
Why should he?
He's fed up, and
I don't blame him.
Boy, you guys would take
the spirit out of anybody.
You with your newspaper
and your smart cracks.
You with your
eight-dollar sandwiches.
Yeah, a phony blind guy
selling chewed-up
pencils for two dollars.
Boy, you guys sure
took it out of him.
You know, he was the
last loyal New Yorker left.
I'm gonna tell you
something, we're lucky
if he doesn't move
out of the city forever.
Well, we should help the dog.
Come on. Yeah.
All right, we'll do something.
I don't know what to do,
maybe we can help him.
(murmuring)
Felix, if you do know something
about helping the dog,
you should do it, you know?
Dogs don't need any help.
They know how to
do it all by themselves.
They do? Of course.
Hey, I better tell them.
They're really
worried. No, no, no.
Why not?
Now you're going to
see a cliché exploded.
Felix, listen!
We've all been
talking, and we're sorry.
The guy with the
newspapers, he'll give you one.
And the fellow
with the sandwich,
you can have anything he has.
And you can even
sit under the fan,
but if you know anything
about helping that dog,
could you tell us how to do it?
Well, let's take a little look.
See what we ought to do here.
Hey, here comes Felix.
Okay, let's give
the dog plenty of air.
Lie down, sweetheart, lie down.
I tell you, we need newspapers.
Here, you can have my paper.
We'll spread newspapers on the floor.
That's right... now,
next thing we need,
we need hot water.
Who's got hot water?
I do. I was saving it for tea,
but I'll take the loss.
Good, good, great.
Now... Can I help?
Yes, we need bed sheets.
Where am I gonna find
bed sheets on a subway?
Hmm, good question.
Men's shirts.
All the men, give
me your shirts.
Yes... not you, you
don't have to do it.
Now, you fan the
dog with your shirts,
give him... give
her plenty of air
and just be patient,
don't get her excited.
You see that?
You see what I'm talking about?
That gruffness,
that's just a pose.
That's just a mask.
This is the real New Yorker.
This is what people
come from out of town
to meet and to love.
(murmuring, whispering)
They sure fooled
me, I'm telling...
Felix, I'm gonna write an
article about this situation
that's gonna make
you very happy.
You're going to apologize
to New York, huh?
I apologize, New York.
And I think you
owe me an apology.
I apologize, Felix Unger.
(falsetto): And I think you
should apologize to me, too.
I'm not going to
apologize to Harvey Hanky.
That's it... no, sir, no, sir.
I'm not going to
apologize to him.
(scatting)
(laughing, cheering)
Put these lights on him.
(brakes screeching)
(cheering, whooping)
Hey, fellas!
Everybody, give
me a telephone call.
We'll all go to a
movie next week.
So long, Mel!
Don't forget, we're
having lunch soon.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Felix. Good-bye.
Be careful now,
don't get her excited.
They're very, very
protective now.
(growling)
CONDUCTOR:
Passengers, attention.
Please transfer to
the opposite platform.
This train is going to the
railroad yard for repairs.
You'll take your
cruise ticket back,
and you'll get a refund.
And then, you'll
spend your vacation
in the most popular
vacation spot on earth.
Where is that? New York City.
I live in New York City.
You ever been
to the top of the Empire
State Building? No.
You ever seen the
Statue of Liberty? No.
You're a typical New Yorker.
We'll take the bus
to Orchard Beach,
you'll put on your army shoes.
You'll walk in the sand.
And you'll see what a
railroad yard looks like.
Hi, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
How you doing?
Pretty good, thanks.
Do you know what today is?
Thursday.
Uh-uh. Guess again.
What?
It's a very important
anniversary.
Oh, yes, Belmont
Racetrack's 40th year.
Wrong.
Absolutely dead wrong.
What?
It is eight weeks to the day
that we were
trapped in the subway.
So?
I brought you a little memento.
What?
(puppy whimpering)
Aw, I don't believe it.
Isn't that something?
Isn't that something?
What are you gonna call him?
I'm calling him Yawbus.
Yawbus... what's that?
"Subway" spelled backwards.