The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Odd Candidate - full transcript

(blender whirring)

Oh, Felix, with
the noise, will you?

Oh! Whoa!

You scared me.

You-You were in Chicago.

When-When did you come home?

Half a minute
ago. I just got in.

You traveled on
a plane like this?

Yeah.

How come? Why did they let you?

Never mind, I
don't want to know.



How-How was your trip?

Tiring.

Yeah?

The hotel I stayed at
booked two conventions...

Megaphone makers and
the guys who make bullhorns.

(laughing)

Every night in the stairwell
they had an argument.

Always a story when
you come back from a trip.

Yeah, very funny.

During the day, just for laughs,

they went around
paging each other.

I'm going to bed.
Your trips are a...

Don't you want a
bite to eat? Come on.

As a matter of fact, I am
hungry, you know that.



I'll tell you the truth, I
never can eat on a plane.

I can't use that
midget silverware.

Oh, good.

A lot of action around
here while you were gone.

You got lucky?

Don't talk dirty.

I mean the election.

That playground
issue is heating up.

What playground issue?

The playground issue.

The incumbent Councilman
Simpson is still sponsoring that bill

to destroy the playgrounds
and put up office buildings.

Oh, you made me
do article on that. Mm.

Yeah, I called it "The
Last Place to Swing."

I remember that.
Yeah, yeah. Article?

Boy, that was a manifesto.

The public reaction to
that article was so great,

it inspired us to
run a candidate

against Simpson this election.

Are you crazy?

Simpson's run unopposed
in this district for 14 years.

I know it and this time
he's going to be opposed.

Well, good luck.

What kind of an idiot agreed
to run against Simpson?

(chuckling)

He agreed?

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(bell jingles)

This is it.

Madison for Councilman
headquarters.

(door closes, bell jingles)

This is it? Yeah.

OSCAR: I've got four volunteers?

FELIX: No.

The old lady came
in for a banana cake

and I enlisted her.

This is a bakery.

Used to be.

Used to be Kraussmeyer's Bakery.

Have a number.

17. Lucky number.

What happened to Kraussmeyer?

Haven't you heard? No.

They closed him down. Why?

Yeah. In the back room, he
was running a massage parlor.

(metallic jingling)

Hi, Mr. Unger.

Hello, Phyllis.

Felix. Huh?

Who are they?

Gypsies.

What are they doing here?

They got here first.
It's a vacant store.

I'm sharing with them.

I gave them a chicken.

(Oscar groans)

See what you're
getting me into and...

Look, Oscar.

I know it looks crazy, but
this is the way you begin.

And you've got the issue.

Playgrounds.

And what's more important,

you believe in it and
people will believe you.

They will?

Of course they will. Trust me.

You see, what
I'm afraid of is...

I don't know how to campaign

and I'm liable to make
a fool out of myself, see?

You're talking to
Douglas Dignity.

Would I let you
do anything wild?

You'll talk to people
from your heart.

You'll shake their hands.

That's all. That's all?

That's all.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

All right. Great.

We have to be at the
Bronx Zoo in 30 minutes.

Why?

I want a picture of
you sitting on a giraffe.

"Madison Rides High."

What happened
to Douglas Dignity?

Mr. Madison? Yeah.

I can't afford a contribution,

but I could pierce your ears.

Thanks, but... I use clip-ons.

("Stars and Stripes
Forever" playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(song ends)

Hiya, Murray.

Oh, am I exhausted.

I've been all over town.

I hung up more
posters than the FBI.

I'm tired of looking at my face!

Go take a nap. You can't.

Why not? Felix called.

He wants you to meet
him at this restaurant.

Yeah, is it in a hotel?

I'm tired, I'm not hungry.

He said it's a big breakthrough

for your campaign, Oscar.

You got to go.

Yeah? Oh, come on.

I don't have a chance
in this campaign.

Sure you do.

Felix said you got
the Gypsy vote.

Now he's working on a
different group of people...

Folks who own their furniture.

I don't even have
change for the subway.

Here's some change. (muttering)

Consider it a
campaign contribution.

Hey, no special favors, Murray.

I'm a policeman.

Of course not.

We didn't come here to eat.

Well, what did we come
here for, the busboys' vote?

Do you know Howard K. Smith?

Yeah, I've seen him
do the news on TV.

Yeah, he eats here.

There, you see him, you see him?

I'm going to get him to
mention you on his TV show.

Do you know him?

He lives right next door to us.

Do you know him?

Well, I pass him on
the street all the time.

I nod, I say hello.

Mr. Smith?

Hi, Felix Unger.

I want you to meet
the next city councilman

from your district,
Oscar Madison.

How do you do,
sir? Hi, sit down.

We can only stay a moment.

I'm, uh, having lunch.

Oh, we already ate.

I'll get right to the point.

Do you mind if I have my food?

Oh, sure, surely.

Two starches, huh?

Why don't we let the
gentleman have his lunch?

You see? You see
the kind of man he is?

Full of concern for
his fellow citizen.

Mr. Smith, are you
aware of the issue

in the Madison versus
Simpson campaign?

No, what is that?

Good versus evil.

Strong issue.

Where do you stand on it?

You looking for something?

My coleslaw. Ah.

Waiter!

Mr. Smith's coleslaw.

I'll have an iced tea.

You want something?

Hemlock.

Separate checks.

Excuse me, um,

I don't like to talk
politics while I'm eating.

You're right. May I eat?

Surely.

We'll wait.

Clean your plate.

FELIX: Oscar, hurry, you're
going to miss the commentary.

Tonight's commentary concerns

a local election
here in Manhattan.

A sportswriter
named Oscar Madison

is waging an underdog
campaign for the city council.

I met Mr. Madison and
his campaign manager

over lunch today.

After they made
sure I ate it all

and trimmed the fat
and chewed it thoroughly,

they told me the issue.

Mr. Madison is trying to save
our neighborhood's playgrounds.

He is trying to spread his
word without much money.

In fact, they stuck me for
the price of the iced tea.

But it's a word that
should be heard.

They're making up in
drive and in enthusiasm

for what they lack in
resources and in manners.

There's a place for
these two men in politics,

but not at my table.

Good night, Harry.

Am I a campaign manager?

Boy, that's terrific.

It went coast-to-coast,
right? Yeah.

Now everybody in the
country knows you're a pest.

Let 'em.

(patriotic music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(song ends)

All right, everybody.

Volunteers.

Everybody, give
me your attention.

Now, Oscar Madison has
been out on the streets of this city

since early morning,
working his heart out

for you and you and you and me.

I think that when he comes back,

we should greet him
with a rousing welcome.

What do you say?

Good, okay.

Back to the barricades.

Oh, boy, there's really a
great feeling in this room,

isn't there? Yeah,
where is Oscar anyway?

He's out making contact
with another group,

another ethnic group.

I thought he'd
hit 'em all by now.

We leave no stone unturned.

(bell jingles)

There he is.

Hey, you look sensational.

Did we get the Indian vote?

All three of 'em.

Yeah.

Did you hear the
great news? What?

Miriam took another poll.

You're up to 17%.
(door opens, bell jingles)

Hey, that's pretty
good, isn't it?

Hey, did you see
the afternoon paper?

No. I did.

(laughing)

Murray. What happened?

Oscar. What?

Simpson concedes on
the playground issue.

You're kidding. Everybody,

give me your attention.

Great news.

Gypsies, everybody.

Simpson has conceded on
the issue of the playgrounds.

We keep our playgrounds.

(cheering) Yeah!

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, do you know what this means?

Yeah, it means
we get to go home.

What are you talking about?

No, she's right.

We got into this campaign
to settle the playground issue.

We did it.

Hey, you all did
some terrific job.

Thank you all. I'm
going to the racetrack.

No, Oscar.

Oscar, Oscar, come back.

Oscar.

You can't quit now.

I won't let you.

(singsongy): Oscar.

Breakfast.

(patriotic music playing)

(music continues playing)

(needle scratches, music stops)

I do not choose to run.

Aw, come on.

Wh-Where's your patriotism?

What do you want me to be,

the father of Lexington Avenue?

I won the campaign
that I wanted to win,

and that's all there is to it.

Mm. But if you were councilman,
you could do so much more.

You could put great, big,
handsome trash baskets

on every corner.

You could wash
the Statue of Liberty.

You could put those ugly
fire hydrants underground

so the dogs wouldn't
have a tendency.

Look, it's a... it's ridiculous
to think that I could win.

Why?! Why?

One reason... we have no money.

That's why. Did
Washington have money?

Somebody bought
those cute wigs for him.

He had spirit.

That's what he had! Yeah.

He believed in what he
was doing, and he had spirit.

(whistling "Yankee
Doodle Dandy")

(drums banging loudly)

(phone ringing)

(whistling continues)

Hello.

Yes, Mr. Bryant. Yes.

Will stop it already
with the drums?!

It's my publisher.

Yes, Mr. Bryant.

Well... Well, to be honest,

I-I was thinking
of withdrawing, sir.

I agree with you.

That would be a stupid idea.

Well, it was just
a fleeting thought.

I mean, I... I certainly would.

Yes, sir.

Okay. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

What? What?

You're not gonna
believe this. What? What?

The publisher... he wants me
to continue with my campaign.

Hmm?

He said that spot
with Howard K. Smith,

it gave the paper a
lot of publicity. Yeah?

He doesn't like Simpson...
But listen to this...

He's gonna finance our campaign!

MIRIAM: Oh, my goodness!

Oh!

Congratulations...!

All right, all right,
all right, all right now!

Everybody got what
they want. Please.

Now, come on. It's
early in the morning.

Let me have my breakfast, okay?

I mean, it's so early. My...
(whistling "Yankee Doodle Dandy")

Give me the sticks!

(imitates drumroll)

Oh!

(applause and cheering)

♪ ♪

What is this?

I thought we were
going on television.

This is television.

This is The Igor Show.

Igor is a big star, buddy.

We're gonna talk in
front of horror film fans?

They vote.

Horror shows are big.

Five seconds, Igor. Let's go.

You guys get off
the set. Sorry, Sorry.

Three seconds, Igor.

Where's Igor?

I don't know.

(hinges squeaking)

(lisping): We shall return

to tonight's horror movie,

The Mysterious Planet Debbie,

right after this word from
Councilman Simpson,

who is running for reelection
in the 34th Council District.

Mr. Simpson!

Ah!

(coffin lid closes)

Thank you, Igor.

You're welcome.

Good evening, friends.

On behalf of my
lovely wife, Edith,

and my little girl, Irene,
and my son, James,

I would like to thank
you for the privilege

of having served you
for the last 14 years.

During this campaign,

I have been opposed
by Mr. Oscar Madison,

a public spirited citizen

who has brought to my attention

several pressing
community problems.

And, uh, for this, I would
like to thank him sincerely.

Mr. Madison.

However,

when you go to the polls
tomorrow to cast your vote,

I urge you to place
your confidence

in a man with experience.

I would like to remind you

that it was I who got the
additional police protection

for our neighborhoods.

And I would like you to remember

that it was I that
engineered the federal funds

with which we
improved our schools.

Lastly, I would
like to remind you

that a vote for Simpson
is a vote for progress.

Thank you very much.

We're going home
now to pop some corn.

Thank you, Councilman.

Now boys and ghouls,

back to The Mysterious
Planet Debbie.

As you recall, our
hero, Dr. Rontor,

was struggling
with the awful curse

of the Casaba people.

(goofy laugh)

(hinges squeaking)

Seems like a nice guy.

Igor? He's a pussycat.

Not Igor. Simpson!

Did you fall for
all that malarkey?

Listen, you're the
man of the people.

You're gonna wipe him out.

I don't know. He
looked pretty appealing.

His kids were so cute,

I wanted to go
and hug 'em myself.

You're on in ten minutes.

Where you going?

I'll be right back. I'll be
back. Where? Where?

Look, you watch the
film on the monitor.

It's a real goodie. I've
seen it seven times.

Here comes the part

where the giant cockroach
swallowed Rhode Island.

Rhode Island?

Big Deal. Three bites.

Igor?

Next week, the bagpipe
and the octopus engage.

No, no, no... Oh...

The cockroaches are still
eating Rhode Island. (moans)

That's all right.
Go back. I'm sorry.

(squeaking)

(squawking)

(squeaking)

Aw, don't cry, folks.

It was only Rhode Island.

Didn't you just love the part

where he spit out Providence?

(goofy laugh)

Now, right after
this commercial,

we'll be hearing

from Councilman
Simpson's opponent,

Oscar Madison.

MAN: Commercial rolling!

Oscar?

Please.

Thank you, Igor.

(whistle) FELIX: Come on.

Where have you been?

I'll be on the air
in ten, 15 seconds.

Come on. What
are you...? Come on.

Who are these people?

All right, just...
Campaign... Scoot a bit.

Felix, what are you doing?

Who are they? Put
your arms around them.

Why? I don't even know them.

What are you doing?
Put your arms...

Who are they?

Those are your loved ones.

My loved ones? Oh,
no, no, no. Yes, yes.

I know what you're doing.
They're not my loved ones.

No, get... No, no,
I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it!

MAN: Three, two. Please!

One! Go!

Good evening, everyone.

My name is Felix Unger,

and I have the great
good fortune and honor

to be the campaign
manager for Oscar Madison,

who was unfortunately
called away

to help a needy person.

I am surrounded by
Mr. Madison's loved ones.

But who wouldn't love
the brave hero of Anzio,

who single-handedly
saved an entire platoon...

The famous 143rd
Melting Pot Platoon?

Italians, Jews, Puerto Ricans...

You name 'em, he saved 'em.

Felix?

Felix? And here
is Oscar Madison.

How are the needy people?

They're fine,
Felix, they're fine.

My campaign manager,
Felix Unger, gets carried away

and has a great sense of humor.

Now, these are
not my loved ones.

They're very nice
people, I'm sure,

but they're not my loved ones,

and I was not a hero at Anzio.

I would like to be
your councilman.

I think I did a good job
on the playground issue,

and if you do elect me,

I'll try harder to do
even more for you.

Thank you very much.

MAN: We're into commercial.

Thank you. Thank you.

Here's your dollar.

Here's your dollar. Thank you...

Here's your dollar.

I don't know why
you're so mad at me.

If I made a mistake,

it's only because
of overzealousness.

Yeah. I went too far, all right.

Try to get me votes from,
who, ghouls in Transylvania?

I admit that ethnically,
it wasn't probable,

but she's gonna vote for you.

She's gonna vote
for you. Felix...

What are you gonna do, fire
me as your campaign manager?

No, I don't want to fire you.

I just don't want to go
through that craziness.

"These are your loved
ones." How do I handle that?

All right, no more
craziness. No more craziness.

We got one more day,
and, baby, we're gonna go.

Where?

To the top!

(marching band
plays patriotic tune)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

FELIX (to "I've Been Working on the
Railroad"): ♪ Oscar Madison for council ♪

♪ He is A-OK ♪

♪ His enthusiasm mounts
till the election day ♪

♪ Never frowning,
always smiling ♪

♪ Oscar cannot miss ♪

♪ Cute and sweet
and so beguiling ♪

♪ A face you love to kiss! ♪

(loud cheering,
whistling and applause)

MAN: And so, election night
draws to a close over New York,

ending one of the most
harrowing campaigns

in local history.

The 34th District had
the largest voter turnout,

and the final count is now in.

It's Simpson with 5,413 votes,

and Madison, 5,280 votes.

Simpson retains
his council seat.

Now back to our
regular programming.

(Igor laughing goofily)

IGOR: Simpson is the winner.

(Igor laughing)

Hey, come on here.

What's the matter
with you people?

We got 48% of the vote.

What are you depressed about?

Do you realize we almost
took an election away

from a man who's
been around 14 years?

I guarantee you, Simpson'll
be on his toes from now on in.

You know who's
responsible for this mostly?

My best friend

and my campaign
manager, Felix Unger,

and he'll explain
it better than I will.

Go ahead.

(tambourine jingling,
Oscar speaks indistinctly)

(crying): I wanted to win!

(crying)

It's all right, buddy.

It's all right...

(ball bouncing)

PHYLLIS: Hershel,
the chicken's ready!

Felix, it's an hour
and a half already.

You're not listening to me.

Now, hear this.

Now hear this. You
did very, very well.

Your problem was that
you had dreams of grandeur.

You even pictured me as
the president, didn't you?

Come on, buddy!

Let's go out of here proud.

I can't tell you...

You did a great job,
and I'm so proud of you,

and I want to thank you
for everything you did.

Come on, buddy, let's go home.

You were terrific.

(sighs)

Thank you, Oscar.

(laughs)

Come on, let's go.

Ah, this is all over.

(door jingles)

Now, hear this, World,

you won't have Oscar
Madison to kick around anymore.