The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 6 - Strike Up the Band or Else - full transcript
To pay off a gambling debt, Oscar talks Felix into having his band perform doing country music.
Hello? New York Herald?
Oscar Madison, please.
He's not in?
Well, let it ring, Operator.
Sometimes he can't find
the phone under the rubble.
Hello? Sports Department?
Is Oscar Madison there, please?
What? He's out on an interview?!
Well, doesn't he know
he's over an hour
late for dinner?
That I've got a
meatloaf in the oven
that's slowly turning
into a footrest?!
Why doesn't he tell me before
he goes out on these things?
No, this is not his father.
No. No message.
I'm sure he'll come home
in his own good time.
Well, Oscar, old buddy,
you got any more questions
you want to ask me
about my football team?
No. No, I got enough
material for my column.
Now, this is the way a
man should work, see?
Ten questions and a
winning hand, I'll telling you.
Oh, and Sam, you
still contemplatin', boy?
We're only in New York
for the weekend, you know.
Don't rush me.
I got five card, but
only two eyes. (laughs)
Listen, Oscar, I'm givin'
this here charity bash
Saturday night, and,
uh, I'd be mighty pleased
if you and the... the
filly of your choice,
uh, would consent to come.
Thanks. I'll be there.
Yeah, it should be
quite a hoedown.
I got the top-notch band, boy.
I'm flyin' Ma Gump and her
Tumbleweeds in from El Paso.
Ma Gump?
The kindest, sweetest,
most toe-tappin'
lady you ever saw.
58 years old,
and tobacco spittin'
champ of Dawson County.
No kidding?
Now, I got four red
cards, one black.
I'm yellow. I quit.
Well, it looks like it's
just you and me, Oscar.
Yeah, Billy Joe, cost
you $100 to see me.
I hope that's not
gonna scare you.
Shoot, I tipped the cabdriver
more than that yesterday.
Okay, buddy, here's
your hundred, and, uh...
Okay.
I raise you $500.
You raise me $500?
Listen, I got you beat,
but I'm all tapped out.
Well, let's not hassle
over a few measly dollars.
I'll trust you for it.
You will? That's what I
love... a gentleman's game.
I got a full house...
Three kings, two queens.
Sorry about that. Uh, uh!
I'm afraid I got you
whipped, Oscar.
Two pair.
Since when does two
pair beat a full house?
When they're two pair of aces.
Four aces?
That's all there are.
Well, you're a
little short, buddy,
but 500 bucks...
that ain't much.
No, that ain't much.
Shoot, I tipped my doorman
more than that yesterday.
Billy Joe, I got
bad news for you.
It looks like Ma Gump ain't
gonna be able to make it up
from El Paso this
week for the dance.
She's in a family way.
I thought you said
she was 58 years old?
Well, now, she's
a right pretty girl
when she's got her teeth in.
Now, look, Dick, buddy,
you gonna have to get me a
real country band pronto, boy.
That ain't gonna
be easy, Billy Joe.
All the good bands is
down in Nashville this week
for that Country Music Roundup.
Now, listen, buddy,
you are my business manager.
Now, come Saturday, I want
to hear a band, not excuses.
I'll get right on it, Billy Joe.
Oh, Oscar? Yeah?
About that $500
you owe Billy Joe?
Yeah? He'll take your check.
Well, that's no good.
You see, this month's service
charge wiped me out, see?
Uh-huh.
Will he take an IOU?
Well, the last fella that tried
to give Billy Joe an IOU
got about as far as the "O"?
As far as the "O"? Yeah.
They found him a
couple days later,
coughing up the ace of spades.
Well, won't he give me
some time to pay him back?
Well, how much
time you gonna need?
Well, let's see, there's
the back alimony,
the bookie, the
food, there's the rent.
See, but I could the
stall the food and the rent.
About 11 months.
Billy Joe allows only 24 hours.
Oh, okay.
I'll get it from my roommate.
As long as you get the $500 up
by 7:00 tomorrow night.
Well, don't worry,
he's my best friend.
When I tell him I'm in trouble,
he'll give me the
money like that.
I'll tell him what happened.
I had a full house,
the guy put four aces.
He understands
about things like that.
I'll trick him into it.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(door opening)
Hi, buddy.
Don't ask me about my arm.
I don't want to upset you.
Oh, boy, what a pleasure
it is to come home.
Look how you set a
nice table, you know?
No matter what kind
of a jungle it is out there,
it's always so
nice to come here.
Flowers, everything so nice.
All right, Felix,
what's the matter?
Something's wrong.
I can tell by your conversation.
You're late.
I'm sorry.
You're over an
hour and a half late!
All right, I'm sorry.
Come on, let's eat.
We'll talk about my
sore arm later, okay?
"Come on, let's eat.
We'll talk about it later."
What am I supposed to do,
go and get your food for you?
What am I, your slave?
From now on, you're gonna get
your own food, do you hear that?
What I'm doing now... I'm
never gonna do this again.
What is this that's next
to my sore arm that hurts?
It's your ex-meatloaf.
Rest in peace.
It's not bad.
Just needs some
ketchup, that's all.
See if I can open it.
Oh.
I don't know why I cook for you,
'cause people like you don't
even appreciate a decent meal.
That's why they have TV dinners.
I said I was sorry.
That covers it, huh?
Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
No way!
I want your solemn promise
this will never happen again.
Do I have your promise?
Yeah, I promise, I promise!
I've got a closet
full of your promises.
What's the matter with your arm?
You noticed. I didn't want...
I didn't want you to
notice, upset you like that.
What is it? What's
the matter? No, no...
Oh. Well, I was on the subway.
Yeah. 42nd Street.
A guy got on, he
must have been drunk.
His head got caught
right in the doors.
I went over, I rushed,
I opened the doors.
Oh, but he got his head
out, but right on my shoulder.
Oh! Right on my shoulder.
Oh, but you saved that...
(groans) It hurts.
It hurts, huh?
Oh, yeah, but it's all
right, I can live with it.
I'm gonna get a beer.
You're coming with me.
I'm taking you
straight to the doctor.
I've already been to a doctor.
Now, I can do
without the operation.
What operation?
I told you forget the operation.
I can't afford it anyway.
Don't... Not with your teeth.
Let me do this for you.
Oh, thank you, buddy.
It's nice. Thank you.
Thank you.
How much is the operation?
$500.
Still, $500 is not so
much for an operation.
It is to me. You sit down.
I'm going to loan you the money.
Oh, no, I can't ask
you to do that, Felix.
I don't want to hear
another word out of you.
We're friends, aren't we?
You'd do the same for me.
Yes, I know, I mean, I can't
ask... You'd loan me $500.
I told you, I don't want
to hear another word.
I don't mean to do it, I swear I
don't. Where's my checkbook?
You usually keep it in the
middle drawer right here.
(gasps)
You bunco artist.
Have you no shame?
No.
It's not enough that you
come home late for dinner,
but you give me that sleazy
story about subways and arms.
All right, I gave it a shot.
It didn't work. I got
to find something else.
Thought you could play
on my sympathy, didn't you?
But I'm too smart for you.
That $500... I'm
telling you this, mister...
It's earmarked
for a trash masher.
Why don't you give it to me?
We'll live with loose garbage.
Now hear this,
Madison... new rules.
I'm laying down the law.
From now on, no
more late for dinner,
and no more crazy stories
about the subway, comprende?
Eat your meatloaf. It's good.
Will you stop nagging?
I'll eat it already.
And if you expect any
dinner tomorrow night,
you better be on time,
because I'm having
the Sophisticados in.
Who are the Sophisticados?
You know my band,
the Sophisticados.
Don't make any remarks. Come on.
How... how's it
doing, your band?
I told you, no smart
remarks, didn't I?
My band's doing all right.
We need one good
break, that's all.
Yeah... like Ma Gump
getting pregnant.
Ma Gump is pregnant?!
That's why you need
the $500, isn't it?
You're disgusting!
This is the last time
I'm getting your dessert.
(knocking on door)
Hey, Oscar. Hi,
Dick. How are you?
You raised the money.
You come to pay off.
Well, not exactly.
Boy, howdy! Wait
a minute, will you?
Now, did Billy Joe get
a band for the party?
No, he didn't, and
he's all riled up about it.
Don't worry. I'm
gonna rile him down.
Dad-burn it, I almost
got Ma Gump's sister,
Hoedown Harriet, to play for us,
but she won't work on
Gabby Hayes' birthday.
Uh, buddy, you come to pay up?
Well, listen, Billy
Joe, I've been thinking.
You're a rich man. Now,
what does money mean to you?
Everything.
Well, I was thinking
about paying you off
in something more
important than money.
What, you got oil?
Something more
important than that.
I can get you a
band for your party.
Don't play with me, buddy.
I'm not playing with you.
Now, I can get you a band...
It won't cost you a penny.
I'll donate it to
your favorite charity.
Hey, you know,
now that would really
pull me out of the well, buddy.
You can get me a
real country band?
The countriest.
Boy, you get me a country
band, and I'll forget the $500
you owe me. Hey, it's a deal!
Okay.
Hey, wait a minute, old buddy.
What's the name
of this here band?
Oh, uh, Felix "Red River"
Unger and His Saddle Sores.
Oh, and they play
the countriest music
you ever heard in your life.
♪ Do wah! ♪
Felix Unger and
the Sophisticados,
ladies and gentlemen.
(song ends)
(laughter)
Wow, that... that
is so sophisticated.
That is so good.
We have not lost
our touch, fellas.
We're good. We're good. Ah, boy.
Felix, if we're so good,
how come we can't get a gig?
We will, we will, Vern.
It just takes a
little time, that's all.
Don't get down.
Yeah, listen, I read somewhere
where it took Ishkabibble
a good six years
before he made it big.
There you are, there you are.
You said we'd work,
we'd be seen. We will.
There's a call for
sophisticated music...
Hey, your music sounded
terrific out in the hall.
Play another
one, will ya, fellas?
Yeah, okay, come on, let's go.
Did I hear anyone
say, "Horns up?"
You're late again.
What's your crazy
story this time?
Making a baby
shower for Ma Gump?
I'm sorry.
Stuff your sorrys
in a sack, mister.
Horns up.
Maybe you're not
interested in a job.
What job?
For you and the band.
That's why I'm late. Where?
At the Ritz Towers.
It's for some football fans.
They're here to
see the Jets game.
The Ritz Towers.
Fellas, I told you we'd work.
Oh, that's so great.
I'm sorry I snapped
at you, Oscar.
Stuff your sorrys
in a sack, mister.
Hey, that's a good one, Oscar.
How much do we get paid?
Try nothing.
Nothing? Yeah.
Nothing doing, buddy.
This is a charity. Your
band gets to be heard
by a lot of rich people.
Who knows what can happen?
Charity? Yeah.
Do we have to dance
with the singles?
No, no mixing. What do you say?
The Ritz Towers.
Hey, that's a very
sophisticated room.
Let's do it, guys.
What do you say?
(all talking excitedly,
piano plays)
Thank you. Let's
do a song for Oscar.
Yeah, I like a folksy one,
okay? Yeah, number 23.
Yeah, okay. Go ahead, folksy.
♪ Golly gee ♪
♪ Jeepers Creepers! ♪
♪ Where'd you get ♪
♪ Where'd you get
those peepers? ♪
♪ Jeepers creepers ♪
♪ Where'd you get ♪
♪ Where'd you get those eyes? ♪
♪ Where'd you get 'em? ♪
♪ Golly gee, when you
turn those heaters on ♪
♪ Woe is me ♪
♪ Gotta put my cheaters on ♪
♪ Jeepers creepers ♪
(scatting)
♪ Where'd you get those
peepers? ♪ (scatting)
♪ All those weepers ♪
♪ How they hypnotize! ♪
♪ Where'd you get those eyes? ♪
♪ Eyes, where'd you
get those eyes? Bah! ♪
(band harmonizing):
♪ Do wah... ♪
You don't want to
see this room, Felix.
FELIX: Of course
I want to see it.
I've got to check the
acoustics, the microphone.
I already checked them
out on the telephone.
How can you check
them on the teleph...?
What's this? What's what?
Straw on the
floor. What is this?
That's right, it looks
like straw, doesn't it?
What's this stuff, what is it?
Oh, this is fertilizer.
Felix, look at this...
A nice microphone,
goes up and down for a
nice singer like yourself.
What a mess.
Look who I'm talking
to about a mess.
The acoustics are pretty nice.
You hit the straw, it
comes right back to you.
Really hit the skids,
I'll tell you that.
That's real wires...
Felix Unger and the
Sophisticados are a class act.
We will not perform
in this ambience.
What are you talk...
this is a great ambience.
Maybe the other guys
will like this ambience.
BILLY JOE: Hey, Oscar.
Glad you're here, buddy. Oh, hi,
Billy Joe, nice to see you.
Billy Joe, I'd like you
to meet my roommate
and your conductor for tonight.
He came here to check the room.
Well, now, I'm mighty pleased
to shake your hand, Red River.
Red River?
Where are your Saddle Sores?
My what?
Come on, Red, let's go.
Uh, so this good ol' boy
is going to make my
people happy, huh?
Well, I want to keep
it moving, buddy.
I want this place to shake
like two tomcats in a gunnysack.
I want action, boy, action.
You're gonna have
this cleaned, aren't you?
Cleaned?
I had these decorations flown in
all the way from Texas
just for this here barn dance.
Barn dance? That's right.
♪ Ribs on a spit, beer in
the keg ♪ (snapping fingers)
♪ Grandpa's dancin'
on a wooden leg ♪
♪ He kept on spinnin'
around and around ♪
♪ Till he screwed hisself
right in the ground! ♪
Whoo-hoo! (laughing)
Can I talk to you for
a moment, Oscar?
And that's what Oscar
wants us to lower ourselves to.
Country music.
What's the difference
what kind of music you play?
A band's a band, right?
That from a man who had
a jukebox at his wedding.
All right, fellas, all
together, "No dice, Oscar."
And n...
Come on, and...
You mean you guys will play?
Maybe we should, Felix.
Look, I mean, I'm a policeman,
Alan's an interior decorator,
Bob's a butcher, and
Vern's a gynecologist.
I mean, we're just a bunch
of guys playing for fun.
Degradation is not fun.
It could be.
It will be fun.
Bob's a great
country fiddle player.
Yeah, Oscar could
play the washboard.
He's never even been
near a washboard.
Fellas, I'm warning
you, count me out.
ALAN, MURRAY & VERN: You're out.
Who will lead the band?
I'll lead the band.
Oh, that's a hot one.
Ho, ho, ho. Oh, come on.
You always make
a big deal out of it.
I could do it, it's easy.
What do you say, fellas?
Yeah, let's play, huh?
FELIX: Thanks a lot, fellas.
Just remember,
without Felix Unger
you're not a band,
you're just a mob.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have bigger fish to fry.
I think he's a little
peeved, Oscar.
Oh, he's a sore loser.
What do we do
now? We play a song.
Which one?
Billy Joe... you
know what he likes?
Uh, "Coming 'Round
the Mountain," okay?
All right, but you
better lead us
because we don't
know this one too good.
What do you want?
With the baton.
Oh, it'll be my pleasure.
Well, that's easy.
All right, here we go.
(band playing "Coming
'Round the Mountain" slowly)
What are you doing, fellas?
Come on, play it, will you?
Play the song. (tempo increases)
Not that fast.
Wait, wait, slow...
In the middle,
play it in the middle!
First you play it fast,
then you play it slow.
What is it? In the middle.
Well, you were leading us.
You mean you watch
the guy with the baton?
(scoffs)
It looked so easy.
Let's do something we all know
like "I Got Spurs
That Jingle Jangle."
Okay, anything, come on.
("I Got Spurs That Jingle
Jangle Jingle" playing)
♪ I got spurs that
jingle jangle jingle ♪
♪ As I go ridin' merrily... ♪
(trumpet playing loudly)
Wait, wait, wait, Vern,
you're playing in the wrong key.
Me? You guys are off.
All right, Oscar, who was
playing in the wrong key?
Yeah.
Sounded great to me.
Felix'd know who's off.
Oh, I sure miss Felix.
All right, we'll get him back.
How?
Well, play that Sons
of the Pioneers song,
"The Tumbling Weeds," what
is... "Tumbling Tumbleweeds."
Play that thing. ("The
Tumbling Tumbleweeds" playing)
(off-key): ♪ There they
go rumbling down ♪
♪ Pledging ♪
♪ Their love to the ground ♪
♪ There they go singing a song ♪
♪ Tumbling along ♪
♪ With the tumbling
tumbleweeds... ♪
All right, all together
now... "I'm sorry, Felix."
And... ALL: I'm sorry, Felix.
Very good. You were in
the wrong key before, Vern.
Yeah. All right,
that detestable
"Mountain" thing.
Horns up.
Con moto spirito, and...
("She'll Be Coming 'Round
the Mountain" playing)
♪ She'll be coming 'round the
mountain when she comes ♪
Yahoo!
♪ She'll be coming 'round the
mountain when she comes. ♪
Yeah, yeah, go!
MURRAY, FELIX & OSCAR: ♪
She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪
♪ She'll be coming
'round the mountain ♪
Yeah! ♪ She'll be coming ♪
♪ 'Round the mountain
when she comes. ♪
Whoo-whoo!
("The Tumbling
Tumbleweeds" playing)
♪ I'll keep rolling along ♪
♪ Deep in my heart is a song ♪
♪ Here on the range I belong ♪
♪ Tumbling along ♪
♪ With the tumbling
tumbleweeds ♪
♪ Tumbling, tumbling,
tumbling, tumbling ♪
♪ Tumbling tumbleweeds... ♪
Red River Unger
and His Saddle Sores,
ladies and gentlemen.
♪ Doo-wah... ♪
Aha!
Hey!
Take five, men.
Don't mingle.
Oscar? Oscar.
Oscar. Hey...
you're a big hit
here, Red River.
I am in love with country music.
I love it.
What? This coming from the
leader of the Sophisticados?
I love it. What can I tell you?
Hey, Billy Joe,
having a good time?
Howdy, partner.
Pull up a barrel
and set a spell.
Think the rain'll
hurt the rhubarb?
Not if it's in the
can, it won't.
Aha! (laughing)
Oscar, I got to hand
it to you, old boy.
That band is
sharper than a cactus.
Aw, 'tain't nothing.
Aha!
Well, thank you, buddy,
you really know how to
pay off on a poker debt.
Ah...!
What poker debt?
I think I'll mosey on down now
to the punch bowl.
You just hold it right here.
What poker debt?
Felix, why don't you play
"Tumbling Tumbleweeds" again?
I love the way you do
it and they go crazy.
Oh, I'm getting the message.
What message? You got
into a great big poker game
with Billy Joe
Grissom, didn't you?
Yeah, well, I went
down to interview him...
Yeah, and you lost
your shirt, didn't you?
Well, it was a lot of money.
Then you had the bright idea
of paying off with
my band, right?
What was I going to
do? I owed him $500.
You sold out the Sophisticados
for 500 measly dollars?
How low can you get?
BILLY JOE: Hey, Red River,
our boots are cooling off, boy.
Let's have a square dance.
Yeah, Felix,
w-why don't you
call the square dance
and you can yell at me later?
You call it. What?
You call it.
It's your mess, you
clean it up for a change.
Are you crazy? BILLY JOE:
Boys, I don't hear any music.
You're on your
own, boy. Let's go!
Felix.
"Turkey in the Straw," okay?
(band playing)
♪ Lead with your left,
then lead with your right ♪
♪ Stand up, sit down,
fight, fight, fight ♪
♪ Then grab your
foot, hop up and down ♪
♪ Shooby-doo,
sit on the ground ♪
♪ Bend way over,
touch your toe ♪
♪ Shuffle off to Buffalo ♪
♪ Grab your partner,
drop your socks ♪
♪ A dozen bagels,
a pound of lox ♪
♪ Shave and a
haircut, two bits. ♪
Hold it.
Hold it!
Now, what in thunder was that?
I almost choked on my
garters on that last line, boy.
I'm sorry, Billy Joe.
You know, I think
I ought to take
about $500 out of your hide.
Well, wait a minute, see, I...
How'd you like the comedy
square dance, folks?
That's Crazy O and
his bunkhouse humor.
Let's hear it for him.
Okay, now we'll have
the real barn dance.
You ready, fellas?
Thanks, pal.
Nothing to it, partner.
♪ Bow to your
partners, corners all ♪
♪ Wave to the pretty
gal across the hall... ♪
(band begins playing)
♪ Allemande left
with your left hand ♪
♪ Back to your partner,
right and left grand ♪
♪ Keep on going till you meet ♪
♪ The one on whom
you're kind of sweet ♪
♪ Promenade with that girl ♪
♪ Then go on home
and swing and swirl ♪
(cheering)
♪ Ladies to the center
and back to the bar ♪
♪ Gents to the center,
now form a star ♪
♪ Girls, circle right
and next time around ♪
♪ Go home with a
fella you have found ♪
♪ One, two, three,
four, everybody swing ♪
(cheering)
♪ All join hands
and circle south ♪
♪ Let a little sunshine
in your mouth ♪
♪ Drop your hands
and single file ♪
♪ Go back home Indian style ♪
(all shouting) ♪ One,
two, three, four ♪
♪ When you get
there, swing and whirl ♪
♪ Swing and swing
that purty little girl ♪
♪ Okay, Oscar, show your style ♪
♪ Come on up and dance a while ♪
♪ No, thank you,
I'll stay right here ♪
♪ You have fun,
I'll drink my beer ♪
♪ I'm gonna tell your
buddy, Billy Joe ♪
♪ That you refused to do-si-do ♪
♪ Don't you squeal,
I'll do my dance ♪
♪ That's better than having
buckshot in my pants ♪
(all clapping rhythmically)
(cheering and whooping)
(whistling)
Whoo!
(cheering continues)
♪ Think this song
is about to end ♪
♪ 'Cause this old
man needs oxygen. ♪
("Goodnight Ladies" playing)
♪ Good night, ladies ♪
♪ Good night, ladies ♪
♪ Good night, ladies ♪
♪ Good night, good night ♪
This is Felix "Red River"
Unger and His Saddle Sores
from high atop the
beautiful Ritz Towers,
overlooking Gotham by the sea,
asking the musical
question, "Good night."
Now, au revoir, a
bit of a tweet-tweet,
a bit of a toodle-doodle,
bon cheerio, and...
(band harmonizing):
♪ Good night. ♪
Aha.
(Felix laughing)
Unger, you're the best
friend anybody ever had.
When I need you,
you're always there.
That's the cut of my
jib, partner, cut of my jib.
I should be angry at you, but
I had so much fun, I can't be.
Listen, there's just
one more thing. Yeah.
Don't let the band pack up.
Billy Joe wants
to sing one song.
Is there no end?
Is there no end?!
How long does it take
to sing one little song?
Everything'll be
all right, come on.
Oscar Madison, please.
He's not in?
Well, let it ring, Operator.
Sometimes he can't find
the phone under the rubble.
Hello? Sports Department?
Is Oscar Madison there, please?
What? He's out on an interview?!
Well, doesn't he know
he's over an hour
late for dinner?
That I've got a
meatloaf in the oven
that's slowly turning
into a footrest?!
Why doesn't he tell me before
he goes out on these things?
No, this is not his father.
No. No message.
I'm sure he'll come home
in his own good time.
Well, Oscar, old buddy,
you got any more questions
you want to ask me
about my football team?
No. No, I got enough
material for my column.
Now, this is the way a
man should work, see?
Ten questions and a
winning hand, I'll telling you.
Oh, and Sam, you
still contemplatin', boy?
We're only in New York
for the weekend, you know.
Don't rush me.
I got five card, but
only two eyes. (laughs)
Listen, Oscar, I'm givin'
this here charity bash
Saturday night, and,
uh, I'd be mighty pleased
if you and the... the
filly of your choice,
uh, would consent to come.
Thanks. I'll be there.
Yeah, it should be
quite a hoedown.
I got the top-notch band, boy.
I'm flyin' Ma Gump and her
Tumbleweeds in from El Paso.
Ma Gump?
The kindest, sweetest,
most toe-tappin'
lady you ever saw.
58 years old,
and tobacco spittin'
champ of Dawson County.
No kidding?
Now, I got four red
cards, one black.
I'm yellow. I quit.
Well, it looks like it's
just you and me, Oscar.
Yeah, Billy Joe, cost
you $100 to see me.
I hope that's not
gonna scare you.
Shoot, I tipped the cabdriver
more than that yesterday.
Okay, buddy, here's
your hundred, and, uh...
Okay.
I raise you $500.
You raise me $500?
Listen, I got you beat,
but I'm all tapped out.
Well, let's not hassle
over a few measly dollars.
I'll trust you for it.
You will? That's what I
love... a gentleman's game.
I got a full house...
Three kings, two queens.
Sorry about that. Uh, uh!
I'm afraid I got you
whipped, Oscar.
Two pair.
Since when does two
pair beat a full house?
When they're two pair of aces.
Four aces?
That's all there are.
Well, you're a
little short, buddy,
but 500 bucks...
that ain't much.
No, that ain't much.
Shoot, I tipped my doorman
more than that yesterday.
Billy Joe, I got
bad news for you.
It looks like Ma Gump ain't
gonna be able to make it up
from El Paso this
week for the dance.
She's in a family way.
I thought you said
she was 58 years old?
Well, now, she's
a right pretty girl
when she's got her teeth in.
Now, look, Dick, buddy,
you gonna have to get me a
real country band pronto, boy.
That ain't gonna
be easy, Billy Joe.
All the good bands is
down in Nashville this week
for that Country Music Roundup.
Now, listen, buddy,
you are my business manager.
Now, come Saturday, I want
to hear a band, not excuses.
I'll get right on it, Billy Joe.
Oh, Oscar? Yeah?
About that $500
you owe Billy Joe?
Yeah? He'll take your check.
Well, that's no good.
You see, this month's service
charge wiped me out, see?
Uh-huh.
Will he take an IOU?
Well, the last fella that tried
to give Billy Joe an IOU
got about as far as the "O"?
As far as the "O"? Yeah.
They found him a
couple days later,
coughing up the ace of spades.
Well, won't he give me
some time to pay him back?
Well, how much
time you gonna need?
Well, let's see, there's
the back alimony,
the bookie, the
food, there's the rent.
See, but I could the
stall the food and the rent.
About 11 months.
Billy Joe allows only 24 hours.
Oh, okay.
I'll get it from my roommate.
As long as you get the $500 up
by 7:00 tomorrow night.
Well, don't worry,
he's my best friend.
When I tell him I'm in trouble,
he'll give me the
money like that.
I'll tell him what happened.
I had a full house,
the guy put four aces.
He understands
about things like that.
I'll trick him into it.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(door opening)
Hi, buddy.
Don't ask me about my arm.
I don't want to upset you.
Oh, boy, what a pleasure
it is to come home.
Look how you set a
nice table, you know?
No matter what kind
of a jungle it is out there,
it's always so
nice to come here.
Flowers, everything so nice.
All right, Felix,
what's the matter?
Something's wrong.
I can tell by your conversation.
You're late.
I'm sorry.
You're over an
hour and a half late!
All right, I'm sorry.
Come on, let's eat.
We'll talk about my
sore arm later, okay?
"Come on, let's eat.
We'll talk about it later."
What am I supposed to do,
go and get your food for you?
What am I, your slave?
From now on, you're gonna get
your own food, do you hear that?
What I'm doing now... I'm
never gonna do this again.
What is this that's next
to my sore arm that hurts?
It's your ex-meatloaf.
Rest in peace.
It's not bad.
Just needs some
ketchup, that's all.
See if I can open it.
Oh.
I don't know why I cook for you,
'cause people like you don't
even appreciate a decent meal.
That's why they have TV dinners.
I said I was sorry.
That covers it, huh?
Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
No way!
I want your solemn promise
this will never happen again.
Do I have your promise?
Yeah, I promise, I promise!
I've got a closet
full of your promises.
What's the matter with your arm?
You noticed. I didn't want...
I didn't want you to
notice, upset you like that.
What is it? What's
the matter? No, no...
Oh. Well, I was on the subway.
Yeah. 42nd Street.
A guy got on, he
must have been drunk.
His head got caught
right in the doors.
I went over, I rushed,
I opened the doors.
Oh, but he got his head
out, but right on my shoulder.
Oh! Right on my shoulder.
Oh, but you saved that...
(groans) It hurts.
It hurts, huh?
Oh, yeah, but it's all
right, I can live with it.
I'm gonna get a beer.
You're coming with me.
I'm taking you
straight to the doctor.
I've already been to a doctor.
Now, I can do
without the operation.
What operation?
I told you forget the operation.
I can't afford it anyway.
Don't... Not with your teeth.
Let me do this for you.
Oh, thank you, buddy.
It's nice. Thank you.
Thank you.
How much is the operation?
$500.
Still, $500 is not so
much for an operation.
It is to me. You sit down.
I'm going to loan you the money.
Oh, no, I can't ask
you to do that, Felix.
I don't want to hear
another word out of you.
We're friends, aren't we?
You'd do the same for me.
Yes, I know, I mean, I can't
ask... You'd loan me $500.
I told you, I don't want
to hear another word.
I don't mean to do it, I swear I
don't. Where's my checkbook?
You usually keep it in the
middle drawer right here.
(gasps)
You bunco artist.
Have you no shame?
No.
It's not enough that you
come home late for dinner,
but you give me that sleazy
story about subways and arms.
All right, I gave it a shot.
It didn't work. I got
to find something else.
Thought you could play
on my sympathy, didn't you?
But I'm too smart for you.
That $500... I'm
telling you this, mister...
It's earmarked
for a trash masher.
Why don't you give it to me?
We'll live with loose garbage.
Now hear this,
Madison... new rules.
I'm laying down the law.
From now on, no
more late for dinner,
and no more crazy stories
about the subway, comprende?
Eat your meatloaf. It's good.
Will you stop nagging?
I'll eat it already.
And if you expect any
dinner tomorrow night,
you better be on time,
because I'm having
the Sophisticados in.
Who are the Sophisticados?
You know my band,
the Sophisticados.
Don't make any remarks. Come on.
How... how's it
doing, your band?
I told you, no smart
remarks, didn't I?
My band's doing all right.
We need one good
break, that's all.
Yeah... like Ma Gump
getting pregnant.
Ma Gump is pregnant?!
That's why you need
the $500, isn't it?
You're disgusting!
This is the last time
I'm getting your dessert.
(knocking on door)
Hey, Oscar. Hi,
Dick. How are you?
You raised the money.
You come to pay off.
Well, not exactly.
Boy, howdy! Wait
a minute, will you?
Now, did Billy Joe get
a band for the party?
No, he didn't, and
he's all riled up about it.
Don't worry. I'm
gonna rile him down.
Dad-burn it, I almost
got Ma Gump's sister,
Hoedown Harriet, to play for us,
but she won't work on
Gabby Hayes' birthday.
Uh, buddy, you come to pay up?
Well, listen, Billy
Joe, I've been thinking.
You're a rich man. Now,
what does money mean to you?
Everything.
Well, I was thinking
about paying you off
in something more
important than money.
What, you got oil?
Something more
important than that.
I can get you a
band for your party.
Don't play with me, buddy.
I'm not playing with you.
Now, I can get you a band...
It won't cost you a penny.
I'll donate it to
your favorite charity.
Hey, you know,
now that would really
pull me out of the well, buddy.
You can get me a
real country band?
The countriest.
Boy, you get me a country
band, and I'll forget the $500
you owe me. Hey, it's a deal!
Okay.
Hey, wait a minute, old buddy.
What's the name
of this here band?
Oh, uh, Felix "Red River"
Unger and His Saddle Sores.
Oh, and they play
the countriest music
you ever heard in your life.
♪ Do wah! ♪
Felix Unger and
the Sophisticados,
ladies and gentlemen.
(song ends)
(laughter)
Wow, that... that
is so sophisticated.
That is so good.
We have not lost
our touch, fellas.
We're good. We're good. Ah, boy.
Felix, if we're so good,
how come we can't get a gig?
We will, we will, Vern.
It just takes a
little time, that's all.
Don't get down.
Yeah, listen, I read somewhere
where it took Ishkabibble
a good six years
before he made it big.
There you are, there you are.
You said we'd work,
we'd be seen. We will.
There's a call for
sophisticated music...
Hey, your music sounded
terrific out in the hall.
Play another
one, will ya, fellas?
Yeah, okay, come on, let's go.
Did I hear anyone
say, "Horns up?"
You're late again.
What's your crazy
story this time?
Making a baby
shower for Ma Gump?
I'm sorry.
Stuff your sorrys
in a sack, mister.
Horns up.
Maybe you're not
interested in a job.
What job?
For you and the band.
That's why I'm late. Where?
At the Ritz Towers.
It's for some football fans.
They're here to
see the Jets game.
The Ritz Towers.
Fellas, I told you we'd work.
Oh, that's so great.
I'm sorry I snapped
at you, Oscar.
Stuff your sorrys
in a sack, mister.
Hey, that's a good one, Oscar.
How much do we get paid?
Try nothing.
Nothing? Yeah.
Nothing doing, buddy.
This is a charity. Your
band gets to be heard
by a lot of rich people.
Who knows what can happen?
Charity? Yeah.
Do we have to dance
with the singles?
No, no mixing. What do you say?
The Ritz Towers.
Hey, that's a very
sophisticated room.
Let's do it, guys.
What do you say?
(all talking excitedly,
piano plays)
Thank you. Let's
do a song for Oscar.
Yeah, I like a folksy one,
okay? Yeah, number 23.
Yeah, okay. Go ahead, folksy.
♪ Golly gee ♪
♪ Jeepers Creepers! ♪
♪ Where'd you get ♪
♪ Where'd you get
those peepers? ♪
♪ Jeepers creepers ♪
♪ Where'd you get ♪
♪ Where'd you get those eyes? ♪
♪ Where'd you get 'em? ♪
♪ Golly gee, when you
turn those heaters on ♪
♪ Woe is me ♪
♪ Gotta put my cheaters on ♪
♪ Jeepers creepers ♪
(scatting)
♪ Where'd you get those
peepers? ♪ (scatting)
♪ All those weepers ♪
♪ How they hypnotize! ♪
♪ Where'd you get those eyes? ♪
♪ Eyes, where'd you
get those eyes? Bah! ♪
(band harmonizing):
♪ Do wah... ♪
You don't want to
see this room, Felix.
FELIX: Of course
I want to see it.
I've got to check the
acoustics, the microphone.
I already checked them
out on the telephone.
How can you check
them on the teleph...?
What's this? What's what?
Straw on the
floor. What is this?
That's right, it looks
like straw, doesn't it?
What's this stuff, what is it?
Oh, this is fertilizer.
Felix, look at this...
A nice microphone,
goes up and down for a
nice singer like yourself.
What a mess.
Look who I'm talking
to about a mess.
The acoustics are pretty nice.
You hit the straw, it
comes right back to you.
Really hit the skids,
I'll tell you that.
That's real wires...
Felix Unger and the
Sophisticados are a class act.
We will not perform
in this ambience.
What are you talk...
this is a great ambience.
Maybe the other guys
will like this ambience.
BILLY JOE: Hey, Oscar.
Glad you're here, buddy. Oh, hi,
Billy Joe, nice to see you.
Billy Joe, I'd like you
to meet my roommate
and your conductor for tonight.
He came here to check the room.
Well, now, I'm mighty pleased
to shake your hand, Red River.
Red River?
Where are your Saddle Sores?
My what?
Come on, Red, let's go.
Uh, so this good ol' boy
is going to make my
people happy, huh?
Well, I want to keep
it moving, buddy.
I want this place to shake
like two tomcats in a gunnysack.
I want action, boy, action.
You're gonna have
this cleaned, aren't you?
Cleaned?
I had these decorations flown in
all the way from Texas
just for this here barn dance.
Barn dance? That's right.
♪ Ribs on a spit, beer in
the keg ♪ (snapping fingers)
♪ Grandpa's dancin'
on a wooden leg ♪
♪ He kept on spinnin'
around and around ♪
♪ Till he screwed hisself
right in the ground! ♪
Whoo-hoo! (laughing)
Can I talk to you for
a moment, Oscar?
And that's what Oscar
wants us to lower ourselves to.
Country music.
What's the difference
what kind of music you play?
A band's a band, right?
That from a man who had
a jukebox at his wedding.
All right, fellas, all
together, "No dice, Oscar."
And n...
Come on, and...
You mean you guys will play?
Maybe we should, Felix.
Look, I mean, I'm a policeman,
Alan's an interior decorator,
Bob's a butcher, and
Vern's a gynecologist.
I mean, we're just a bunch
of guys playing for fun.
Degradation is not fun.
It could be.
It will be fun.
Bob's a great
country fiddle player.
Yeah, Oscar could
play the washboard.
He's never even been
near a washboard.
Fellas, I'm warning
you, count me out.
ALAN, MURRAY & VERN: You're out.
Who will lead the band?
I'll lead the band.
Oh, that's a hot one.
Ho, ho, ho. Oh, come on.
You always make
a big deal out of it.
I could do it, it's easy.
What do you say, fellas?
Yeah, let's play, huh?
FELIX: Thanks a lot, fellas.
Just remember,
without Felix Unger
you're not a band,
you're just a mob.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have bigger fish to fry.
I think he's a little
peeved, Oscar.
Oh, he's a sore loser.
What do we do
now? We play a song.
Which one?
Billy Joe... you
know what he likes?
Uh, "Coming 'Round
the Mountain," okay?
All right, but you
better lead us
because we don't
know this one too good.
What do you want?
With the baton.
Oh, it'll be my pleasure.
Well, that's easy.
All right, here we go.
(band playing "Coming
'Round the Mountain" slowly)
What are you doing, fellas?
Come on, play it, will you?
Play the song. (tempo increases)
Not that fast.
Wait, wait, slow...
In the middle,
play it in the middle!
First you play it fast,
then you play it slow.
What is it? In the middle.
Well, you were leading us.
You mean you watch
the guy with the baton?
(scoffs)
It looked so easy.
Let's do something we all know
like "I Got Spurs
That Jingle Jangle."
Okay, anything, come on.
("I Got Spurs That Jingle
Jangle Jingle" playing)
♪ I got spurs that
jingle jangle jingle ♪
♪ As I go ridin' merrily... ♪
(trumpet playing loudly)
Wait, wait, wait, Vern,
you're playing in the wrong key.
Me? You guys are off.
All right, Oscar, who was
playing in the wrong key?
Yeah.
Sounded great to me.
Felix'd know who's off.
Oh, I sure miss Felix.
All right, we'll get him back.
How?
Well, play that Sons
of the Pioneers song,
"The Tumbling Weeds," what
is... "Tumbling Tumbleweeds."
Play that thing. ("The
Tumbling Tumbleweeds" playing)
(off-key): ♪ There they
go rumbling down ♪
♪ Pledging ♪
♪ Their love to the ground ♪
♪ There they go singing a song ♪
♪ Tumbling along ♪
♪ With the tumbling
tumbleweeds... ♪
All right, all together
now... "I'm sorry, Felix."
And... ALL: I'm sorry, Felix.
Very good. You were in
the wrong key before, Vern.
Yeah. All right,
that detestable
"Mountain" thing.
Horns up.
Con moto spirito, and...
("She'll Be Coming 'Round
the Mountain" playing)
♪ She'll be coming 'round the
mountain when she comes ♪
Yahoo!
♪ She'll be coming 'round the
mountain when she comes. ♪
Yeah, yeah, go!
MURRAY, FELIX & OSCAR: ♪
She'll be coming 'round the mountain ♪
♪ She'll be coming
'round the mountain ♪
Yeah! ♪ She'll be coming ♪
♪ 'Round the mountain
when she comes. ♪
Whoo-whoo!
("The Tumbling
Tumbleweeds" playing)
♪ I'll keep rolling along ♪
♪ Deep in my heart is a song ♪
♪ Here on the range I belong ♪
♪ Tumbling along ♪
♪ With the tumbling
tumbleweeds ♪
♪ Tumbling, tumbling,
tumbling, tumbling ♪
♪ Tumbling tumbleweeds... ♪
Red River Unger
and His Saddle Sores,
ladies and gentlemen.
♪ Doo-wah... ♪
Aha!
Hey!
Take five, men.
Don't mingle.
Oscar? Oscar.
Oscar. Hey...
you're a big hit
here, Red River.
I am in love with country music.
I love it.
What? This coming from the
leader of the Sophisticados?
I love it. What can I tell you?
Hey, Billy Joe,
having a good time?
Howdy, partner.
Pull up a barrel
and set a spell.
Think the rain'll
hurt the rhubarb?
Not if it's in the
can, it won't.
Aha! (laughing)
Oscar, I got to hand
it to you, old boy.
That band is
sharper than a cactus.
Aw, 'tain't nothing.
Aha!
Well, thank you, buddy,
you really know how to
pay off on a poker debt.
Ah...!
What poker debt?
I think I'll mosey on down now
to the punch bowl.
You just hold it right here.
What poker debt?
Felix, why don't you play
"Tumbling Tumbleweeds" again?
I love the way you do
it and they go crazy.
Oh, I'm getting the message.
What message? You got
into a great big poker game
with Billy Joe
Grissom, didn't you?
Yeah, well, I went
down to interview him...
Yeah, and you lost
your shirt, didn't you?
Well, it was a lot of money.
Then you had the bright idea
of paying off with
my band, right?
What was I going to
do? I owed him $500.
You sold out the Sophisticados
for 500 measly dollars?
How low can you get?
BILLY JOE: Hey, Red River,
our boots are cooling off, boy.
Let's have a square dance.
Yeah, Felix,
w-why don't you
call the square dance
and you can yell at me later?
You call it. What?
You call it.
It's your mess, you
clean it up for a change.
Are you crazy? BILLY JOE:
Boys, I don't hear any music.
You're on your
own, boy. Let's go!
Felix.
"Turkey in the Straw," okay?
(band playing)
♪ Lead with your left,
then lead with your right ♪
♪ Stand up, sit down,
fight, fight, fight ♪
♪ Then grab your
foot, hop up and down ♪
♪ Shooby-doo,
sit on the ground ♪
♪ Bend way over,
touch your toe ♪
♪ Shuffle off to Buffalo ♪
♪ Grab your partner,
drop your socks ♪
♪ A dozen bagels,
a pound of lox ♪
♪ Shave and a
haircut, two bits. ♪
Hold it.
Hold it!
Now, what in thunder was that?
I almost choked on my
garters on that last line, boy.
I'm sorry, Billy Joe.
You know, I think
I ought to take
about $500 out of your hide.
Well, wait a minute, see, I...
How'd you like the comedy
square dance, folks?
That's Crazy O and
his bunkhouse humor.
Let's hear it for him.
Okay, now we'll have
the real barn dance.
You ready, fellas?
Thanks, pal.
Nothing to it, partner.
♪ Bow to your
partners, corners all ♪
♪ Wave to the pretty
gal across the hall... ♪
(band begins playing)
♪ Allemande left
with your left hand ♪
♪ Back to your partner,
right and left grand ♪
♪ Keep on going till you meet ♪
♪ The one on whom
you're kind of sweet ♪
♪ Promenade with that girl ♪
♪ Then go on home
and swing and swirl ♪
(cheering)
♪ Ladies to the center
and back to the bar ♪
♪ Gents to the center,
now form a star ♪
♪ Girls, circle right
and next time around ♪
♪ Go home with a
fella you have found ♪
♪ One, two, three,
four, everybody swing ♪
(cheering)
♪ All join hands
and circle south ♪
♪ Let a little sunshine
in your mouth ♪
♪ Drop your hands
and single file ♪
♪ Go back home Indian style ♪
(all shouting) ♪ One,
two, three, four ♪
♪ When you get
there, swing and whirl ♪
♪ Swing and swing
that purty little girl ♪
♪ Okay, Oscar, show your style ♪
♪ Come on up and dance a while ♪
♪ No, thank you,
I'll stay right here ♪
♪ You have fun,
I'll drink my beer ♪
♪ I'm gonna tell your
buddy, Billy Joe ♪
♪ That you refused to do-si-do ♪
♪ Don't you squeal,
I'll do my dance ♪
♪ That's better than having
buckshot in my pants ♪
(all clapping rhythmically)
(cheering and whooping)
(whistling)
Whoo!
(cheering continues)
♪ Think this song
is about to end ♪
♪ 'Cause this old
man needs oxygen. ♪
("Goodnight Ladies" playing)
♪ Good night, ladies ♪
♪ Good night, ladies ♪
♪ Good night, ladies ♪
♪ Good night, good night ♪
This is Felix "Red River"
Unger and His Saddle Sores
from high atop the
beautiful Ritz Towers,
overlooking Gotham by the sea,
asking the musical
question, "Good night."
Now, au revoir, a
bit of a tweet-tweet,
a bit of a toodle-doodle,
bon cheerio, and...
(band harmonizing):
♪ Good night. ♪
Aha.
(Felix laughing)
Unger, you're the best
friend anybody ever had.
When I need you,
you're always there.
That's the cut of my
jib, partner, cut of my jib.
I should be angry at you, but
I had so much fun, I can't be.
Listen, there's just
one more thing. Yeah.
Don't let the band pack up.
Billy Joe wants
to sing one song.
Is there no end?
Is there no end?!
How long does it take
to sing one little song?
Everything'll be
all right, come on.