The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Dog Story - full transcript
Felix kidnaps a famous dog actor from the hands of a bad agent.
Oscar?
Oscar? Come on. Come on.
Oscar?
You stay with me.
Hey, come back here.
Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Come back. You're
gonna love Oscar.
Funny guy. Wait
till you see him.
And wait till you see his room.
Only don't bury anything
in there, you'll never find it.
But if you get hungry...
But if you get hungry you
can look under his pillow.
You're sure to find food.
We'll get you something to
eat. Come on. Come here.
Come here.
Who slept on the floor?
I'll get blamed for the
mess, I'm sure, right?
Felix?
Oscar? Yeah.
Oscar, listen,
remember when I first
moved in, you
wanted to get a dog?
Yeah. Yeah.
And I didn't want
to have one. Yeah.
You said living with
one animal was enough.
Yeah, I changed my mind.
Take that in to... What is it?
Oh, my... What is that?
What a great dog!
Sit down.
What... Don't you recognize him?
Why? Is he a
relative or something?
This is the most
famous dog in the world.
This is Silver, the Wonder Dog.
This is the dog that
starred in the picture
I'll Bark Tomorrow?
Yes.
Movies, TV series, commercials.
This dog could buy and sell you.
Oh, I recognize him now.
What's he doing here? Good dog.
Well, listen... Today... Yeah?
I had a job to
take his portrait.
What's he doing here? Good dog.
You're a good dog. Oscar.
Yeah? I stole the dog.
What dog?
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
I always knew you were crazy
but now I'm ready to sign
the commitment papers!
You don't understand.
That's right. I don't understand.
If you'd listen to me, I'll
tell you what happened.
I just went to the studio
to take his picture.
Well, you know me,
Mr. Mind My Own Business.
Okay, Unger, let's get to it.
Hello, Mr. Hugo.
Oh, my, what a beautiful dog!
Hiya, fella!
Never speak directly to the dog.
He's only supposed
to respond to me.
Oh. I'm sorry.
You know what we want.
This is for Silver
Doggie Shampoo.
Uh-huh. So get the
highlights in the hair.
Well, no trouble with that coat.
Uh-uh-uh. Ah. It glistens.
That's the kerosene we rub in.
You rub kerosene in?
Doesn't... doesn't
that irritate his skin?
He's used to it.
Now, let's get started.
(whining) We've got a busy day.
After you, we have a Silver
Chow dog food commercial,
and then a ribbon-biting
ceremony in Newark.
The dog looks tired.
We flew in from
Australia this morning.
Aw, poor fella.
Why don't we take a little rest?
He'll get a rest later.
(firmly): Come here!
I meant him.
I brought along
some dog biscuits.
Uh, put them away.
I told you we're doing a
dog food commercial later.
We're not feeding
him until then.
Hmm. We want him
to tear into that food
so it'll look like
he really likes it.
Of course, I'm only
a... photographer,
but when did you
last feed this dog?
Well, you stick to your camera
or I'll get somebody else.
I don't blame you.
I wish I had a plate for you.
I know we should
be there by now,
but we just finished
a photo session
that took forever. (whining)
Yes.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Fine.
You know we need those
photos first thing in the morning.
You'll have 'em.
You'll have 'em. Good.
Mr. Hugo, Norm says it's all set
for the Alabama-Nebraska
football game on Saturday.
Good. Uh, call Harry
and tell him I'm counting
on a lot of publicity.
Nobody has ever dropped
a dog out of a plane
during half-time before.
Oh, and tell 'em to make sure
that they have a red,
white and blue parachute.
People'll love it.
Yes, Mr. Hugo.
You're going to drop Silver
out of an airplane?
My idea.
And they're
paying plenty for it.
Isn't that dangerous?
A dog doesn't know
how to use a parachute.
You pull the cord for him?
No, the parachute
opens automatically.
It's foolproof.
Well, how do you get him
to jump out of the plane?
You toss a stick out over
Alabama and say, "Fetch"?
I don't want to continue
this conversation.
Remember,
first thing in the morning
with those proofs.
I'd like to be your
trainer, Unger.
Silver, come!
Edna, come!
I don't blame you
for not coming.
I'm afraid of flying,
too, even first class.
Wish you were my dog.
(whining) There's
nothing I can do about it.
(Silver whining)
Aw, fella... Aw, gee whiz.
Look, I tell you if
you followed me out
and just happened
to get into my cab...
Come on.
That would be all
right, wouldn't it?
What do you say?
Oh, look, what do you know,
you're out here in the hall.
(Silver barking)
And that's the way it happened.
You stole the dog.
Haven't you listened
to one word I've said?
I told you how they
treated this poor animal.
What choice did I have?
You could have minded
your own business.
Felix, they could
put you in prison. Ah.
You want to be known as
the Dogman of Alcatraz?
Don't be ridiculous.
You gotta get that
dog outta here. No!
Felix, you get
that dog outta here
or I'm gonna call the police.
You would squeal
on me, Swell Felix?
Listen, Swell Felix,
maybe you don't realize
what you have done.
By bringing that dog home
you have made me an
accomplice to a crime.
I could go to prison!
I am willing to take that risk.
Look at this beautiful dog.
No, you don't understand.
No, Felix, you don't...
"Beautiful" and "stolen"
don't go together.
"Prison" and "stolen,"
they go together.
Now that's it, Felix.
I want to have
nothing to do with it.
All right! Okay.
Let it be on your head.
Let what be on my head?
If anything happens to that
dog Saturday at half-time,
if he lands in a tuba,
let it be on your head.
Felix, I'm not the one who's
pushing him out of the airplane.
I just want to push him out
of this apartment, that's all.
Is it all right if I feed him
before you just throw
him out into the street?
15 minutes. Feed the dog.
15 minutes. I'm
gonna be firm this time.
I'm not kidding. I've had it.
15 minutes and out goes the dog.
That's it, 15 minutes, boy.
15 minutes.
15 min... 15...
You gotta half hour.
Out goes the dog.
This is really going
to be delicious.
You're going to love this.
There you go.
I hope he's a fast eater.
Don't listen to Oscar Legree.
Eat slowly and chew your food.
(doorbell buzzes)
Don't answer it.
Don't answer it.
Why not? Because, because
we don't know who it is.
That's how I'm gonna find out.
Who is it? It's Mr. Hugo.
Why are you making such a face?
Who's Mr. Hugo?
That's Silver's trainer.
(doorbell buzzes) Good,
I'm gonna let him in.
No, no. You tell him that
the dog followed you home.
No, no, no, no.
You tell him that you
kidnapped the dog.
I'm telling you.
Mr. Hugo, come in.
Oh, I want you to meet my
roommate, Oscar Madison.
How do you do.
This isn't a social visit.
Silver has run away.
Run away?
Zounds!
You were the last
one with him, Unger.
You didn't leave that
door open, did you?
No, no, no! No, I
closed that door.
Dumb dog.
This isn't the first
time he's run away.
Hmm. I've had to hunt him down
and drag him back three times.
But when I find
him this time, I'll...
Teach him a little respect
with that stick, huh?
It's the only thing
he understands.
Hmm. How about the muzzle?
He must be punished.
My father used to do that to me.
Well, I... I better
keep looking.
I've wasted enough time.
And I better get
the cops on this.
Ungrateful dog!
Elevator, stay!
Somebody oughta
put a muzzle on him.
Bless you, Oscar.
Beneath that gruff
exterior beats a heart...
Of a patsy. I know.
But Monday afternoon, it goes.
After the jump, it goes.
Now, Hugo or no Hugo, right?
That's all I ask. Okay.
♪ I dream of Silver ♪
♪ With the light brown hair ♪
♪ Prettier than any dog ♪
♪ Even a "Labra-dare" ♪
♪ I love ♪
♪ My Silver ♪
Felix.
♪ With the light brown...
♪ Felix, Felix, listen.
Will you listen, please? Shh.
I just ran into
Murray in the hall.
Did he see the dog or
didn't he? (laughing): Oh, no.
He came in and I hid
Silver in the kitchen. Oh.
Then he said he
wanted a drink of water,
so I told him we had
a busted water pipe.
Ah, that's why he went
down to the basement.
He's gonna fix our pipes.
(Silver whining)
You see how smart he is.
He knows he has to go out.
Yeah, he's gotta go out or else.
But, Felix, he can't.
Everybody's looking for him.
Ha, ha, ha! What?
The Unger mind at work.
Come here, Silver.
I got a disguise for him.
Come here, come
here. What is that?
See that?
A beagle mask?
Come on, Felix,
that's not gonna work.
That is the most
ridiculous thing
I ever saw in my life.
Hey, fellas, I gotta go home.
I couldn't find the busted pipe.
But I'll be back tomorrow.
Hey, I didn't know you
guys bought a beagle.
That's nice.
RONA BARRETT (on TV): And
what Hollywood hero with the initial S
has a bone to pick
with his manager?
The wicked whisper is
that the international
personality has been kidnapped,
but in this reporter's opinion,
the star willingly
took off in a "ruff."
The well-known
manager claims foul play,
but this reporter knows
that this is not the first time
the pair hasn't seen eye to eye.
This is Rona
Barrett in Hollywood.
(sportscast playing on TV)
ANNOUNCER: And
after that unusual halftime,
we'll be back with
the second half
of the Alabama-Nebraska
game, following this commercial.
(turns off TV)
Barbarians.
Savages.
Aw...
Well, Oscar, you missed
the half-time activities.
They didn't have Silver,
so they dropped a
goat down on the field.
He landed on the 50-yard-line
and then turned around
and ate his parachute.
And I missed it?!
Aw, you're safe now, fella...
Now we can take him back, okay?
Aw, please? Oh, Felix.
Now we had a
bargain... One more day?
No. Now don't
make it more difficult.
We made a promise
to each other, right,
that we were going
to stick to the bargain.
I don't know when we'll
see each other again, Silver.
(crying): I'll sure miss you...
Listen, in a couple of weeks,
he would've gotten
on your nerves anyway.
Listen, we'll make an
anonymous phone call to the police,
and we'll tell them
where he is, okay?
(sniffling)
(crying)
Hi, fellas.
Just hold it a second.
Mr. Hugo?
That's my dog!
That's him.
I had a hunch about you guys,
and I was right.
Silver, come.
Officer, do your duty.
I'm sorry, fellas, but
you're under arrest.
Now, come on down
with me to the station.
Let's go. Come on.
(sighs)
Well, you sure had me fooled.
I thought it was a beagle.
All rise.
Judge McCormick, presiding.
This court is now in session.
The State v. Madison and Unger.
Is the prosecution ready?
Uh, yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Is the defense ready?
Uh, Your Honor, my client,
Mr. Madison, and I are ready.
Who is defending Mr. Unger?
If it please the court...
I will serve as my own attorney.
Will the defendants please rise.
Rising.
You are charged
with grand theft.
Mr. Madison, how do you plead?
Guilty, Your Honor.
Are you out of your mind?
It's all arranged.
There'll be fine
and I'm out of it.
Now, that's it.
Plea bargaining. (gavel pounds)
Mr. Unger, how do you plead
to the charges against you?
I plead... unequivocal
innocence.
Does... Does that
mean "not guilty"?
Do bees buzz?
Yes. Not guilty.
Uh, Your Honor,
my client will accept
a sentence now.
I object, Your Honor.
Any penalty visited upon
my codefendant at this time,
will only serve to increase
the seeming
culpability of my client...
Felix Unger.
I ask the sentencing be
delayed till after my trial.
Denied.
Did you say, denied?
Do bees buzz?
That's a hanging judge.
Mr. Madison, you
will pay a fine of $300.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Chicken!
The prosecution will begin
its case against Mr. Unger.
To begin my case,
I would like the court to
meet the subject in question:
Silver the Wonder Dog.
Oh! Look at that nice doggie!
Bailiff!
This beautiful animal,
who never hurt anybody,
but brought joy to millions
of people all over the world,
was brazenly
stolen from his home
and held prisoner by this man!
And tell me, Mr. Hugo,
is the man who stole your
dog in this courtroom now?
Yes. The gentlemen
sitting right there!
That's all.
Mr. Unger, cross-examine.
Cross-examine?
I rather think not, Your Honor.
Though I reserve the
right to recall the witness.
Prosecution rests.
The defense calls,
as a surprise witness...
Oscar Madison.
(quietly): You'll be
my character witness.
Boy, we're going
to have fun up there.
You'll help me.
Eh, now come on.
Didn't expect that one, did you?
Blind you with my footwork, huh?
A lot more surprises
in this package, buddy.
Mr. Madison...
you are employed
as a sportswriter,
is that not correct? Yes.
Would you say that
you are well-paid?
I would say that.
You would.
How much of your
salary do you spend on...
gambling?
Well, a small percentage...
A small percentile?
Yes, I... Would you
say ten to 20 percent?
I might say that?
25 to 30 percent?
Maybe if you add it up...
Maybe 40 to 50 percent?
Maybe if you really...
60 percent? Well, I...
As a matter of fact,
you spend 61 percent
of your salary on gambling.
Something like that.
Exactly like that.
Mr. Madison... are you married?
I'm divorced.
I don't wonder.
Tell me, how far behind are
you on your alimony payments?
A few weeks.
Speak up so the
whole jury can hear you.
Would you hazard a guess
as to how many weeks?
Forty-seven.
Forty-seven weeks!
For almost a year, this
man neglected his ex-wife
to squander
a large part of a very
excellent paycheck
on gambling.
Yet this divorced gambler...
this man, who in this
very court plead guilty
to major theft, this
convicted felon...
held compassion for Silver.
I apologize to the court
for parading a person
like this before it.
Witness dismissed.
You may slink away.
(muttering angrily)
Help me out, help me out.
I'll help you out!
No further questions.
I would like to
recall to the stand
Mr. Hugo.
You've seen my razzle.
Now I'm going to
show you my dazzle.
Just a few questions, Mr. Hugo.
Tell me... what do
you do for a living?
I'm the owner, trainer,
manager and agent
for Silver the Wonder Dog.
Aha-ha.
And, uh... do you like animals?
I love this one.
You love this one.
That's very interesting.
Very interesting,
indeed, Mr. Hugo.
Hmm... Uh... (clears throat)
Mr. Unger, that's, that's mine.
Mr. Hugo... is it not true
that you poke and
hurt this animal,
that you hit him to
make him do his tricks?
Of course, it's true.
You admit it?
Any top animal trainer
will tell you it's necessary.
In his last picture,
Silver had to run
into a forest fire
and rescue a mannequin
dressed as Dean Jones.
Would you do that
if I didn't hit you?
Mr. Hugo, when I was a lad...
Yea high... I had a pup.
And pup spelled
backwards is still pup.
But dog spelled backwards...
I suggest you think
that over, Mr. Hugo.
JUDGE: Mr. Unger...
would you approach
the bench, please?
If you don't get to the point,
I'm going to smash your fingers.
If it please the court.
It would. It would.
Mr. Hugo, have
you ever considered
that perhaps Silver
would be happier
without all this glamour
and success and tinsel?
More content as an ordinary dog?
Then he wouldn't be Silver,
and he loves being Silver,
the great international
star, the Wonder Dog.
Oh, really?
Really, how very interesting.
Hmm... Well, Mr. Hugo...
isn't it true that
you were kicked out
of your high school dramatic
society for incompetence?
Well, I-I don't see...
That in your only
college production,
you were booed off the
stage on your entrance?
Well, I...
That you were the
laughingstock of summer stock?
Well, I don't
see the relative...
relevance in any of this.
I'll show you the relevance!
You always wanted to
be an actor, didn't you?
Well, yes, but... But
you couldn't cut it.
So you live vicariously
through the dog.
You wish you could run into
that fire and save Dean Jones,
but you can't!
And why?!
Because you can't act!
Oh... Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!
It's true! It's true! It's true!
I always wanted to be an actor.
I mean, I love acting.
I mean, Silver keeps me
close to show business.
But I never meant any harm.
May I ask the court to
show leniency to this man.
Why not?
He's not on trial, you are.
Then may I ask the court
to show leniency to me?
JUDGE: Ms. Forelady,
have you reached a verdict?
We have, Your Honor.
And how do you find?
We find the
defendant, Felix Unger,
guilty as charged.
Now I know how Dreyfus felt.
JUDGE: Mr. Unger,
you've been found
guilty, and rightly so.
This crime was inexcusable,
as was your nutsy
behavior in this court...
However, I know you
were motivated by love
for this animal
and your intentions were,
essentially, harmless.
Therefore, it is the
decision of this court
that you should see the bailiff
and pay a fine of one dollar.
Mr. Hugo,
I hope you will heed
what has been said here
and that you will be better
to this wonderful doggie.
And Mr. Unger, I hope you
stay out of the law business.
Court adjourned.
Mr. Unger, I want to thank you.
I now know what I have to do.
I'm going to give
Silver a long vacation,
and I'm going back
to acting school.
Thank you.
Oh, and I won't be needing this.
Thank you.
Good-bye, Silver.
Silver, come.
Well, everybody's happy.
They fined you a dollar?
I don't understand.
A man steals a dog
and brings him home
to my apartment.
I spend the night in jail.
I have to sleep on a
pair of wino's shoes.
I pay a lawyer, and I
gotta pay a $300 fine.
I am humiliated in court.
I have a criminal record.
And you ask me if I'm happy?
I'm sorry, Oscar.
Never mind being sorry.
Lend me the $300.
No, I can't do that.
Why not?
How would you
ever learn a lesson?
Oscar? Come on. Come on.
Oscar?
You stay with me.
Hey, come back here.
Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Come back. You're
gonna love Oscar.
Funny guy. Wait
till you see him.
And wait till you see his room.
Only don't bury anything
in there, you'll never find it.
But if you get hungry...
But if you get hungry you
can look under his pillow.
You're sure to find food.
We'll get you something to
eat. Come on. Come here.
Come here.
Who slept on the floor?
I'll get blamed for the
mess, I'm sure, right?
Felix?
Oscar? Yeah.
Oscar, listen,
remember when I first
moved in, you
wanted to get a dog?
Yeah. Yeah.
And I didn't want
to have one. Yeah.
You said living with
one animal was enough.
Yeah, I changed my mind.
Take that in to... What is it?
Oh, my... What is that?
What a great dog!
Sit down.
What... Don't you recognize him?
Why? Is he a
relative or something?
This is the most
famous dog in the world.
This is Silver, the Wonder Dog.
This is the dog that
starred in the picture
I'll Bark Tomorrow?
Yes.
Movies, TV series, commercials.
This dog could buy and sell you.
Oh, I recognize him now.
What's he doing here? Good dog.
Well, listen... Today... Yeah?
I had a job to
take his portrait.
What's he doing here? Good dog.
You're a good dog. Oscar.
Yeah? I stole the dog.
What dog?
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
I always knew you were crazy
but now I'm ready to sign
the commitment papers!
You don't understand.
That's right. I don't understand.
If you'd listen to me, I'll
tell you what happened.
I just went to the studio
to take his picture.
Well, you know me,
Mr. Mind My Own Business.
Okay, Unger, let's get to it.
Hello, Mr. Hugo.
Oh, my, what a beautiful dog!
Hiya, fella!
Never speak directly to the dog.
He's only supposed
to respond to me.
Oh. I'm sorry.
You know what we want.
This is for Silver
Doggie Shampoo.
Uh-huh. So get the
highlights in the hair.
Well, no trouble with that coat.
Uh-uh-uh. Ah. It glistens.
That's the kerosene we rub in.
You rub kerosene in?
Doesn't... doesn't
that irritate his skin?
He's used to it.
Now, let's get started.
(whining) We've got a busy day.
After you, we have a Silver
Chow dog food commercial,
and then a ribbon-biting
ceremony in Newark.
The dog looks tired.
We flew in from
Australia this morning.
Aw, poor fella.
Why don't we take a little rest?
He'll get a rest later.
(firmly): Come here!
I meant him.
I brought along
some dog biscuits.
Uh, put them away.
I told you we're doing a
dog food commercial later.
We're not feeding
him until then.
Hmm. We want him
to tear into that food
so it'll look like
he really likes it.
Of course, I'm only
a... photographer,
but when did you
last feed this dog?
Well, you stick to your camera
or I'll get somebody else.
I don't blame you.
I wish I had a plate for you.
I know we should
be there by now,
but we just finished
a photo session
that took forever. (whining)
Yes.
Uh-huh.
All right.
Fine.
You know we need those
photos first thing in the morning.
You'll have 'em.
You'll have 'em. Good.
Mr. Hugo, Norm says it's all set
for the Alabama-Nebraska
football game on Saturday.
Good. Uh, call Harry
and tell him I'm counting
on a lot of publicity.
Nobody has ever dropped
a dog out of a plane
during half-time before.
Oh, and tell 'em to make sure
that they have a red,
white and blue parachute.
People'll love it.
Yes, Mr. Hugo.
You're going to drop Silver
out of an airplane?
My idea.
And they're
paying plenty for it.
Isn't that dangerous?
A dog doesn't know
how to use a parachute.
You pull the cord for him?
No, the parachute
opens automatically.
It's foolproof.
Well, how do you get him
to jump out of the plane?
You toss a stick out over
Alabama and say, "Fetch"?
I don't want to continue
this conversation.
Remember,
first thing in the morning
with those proofs.
I'd like to be your
trainer, Unger.
Silver, come!
Edna, come!
I don't blame you
for not coming.
I'm afraid of flying,
too, even first class.
Wish you were my dog.
(whining) There's
nothing I can do about it.
(Silver whining)
Aw, fella... Aw, gee whiz.
Look, I tell you if
you followed me out
and just happened
to get into my cab...
Come on.
That would be all
right, wouldn't it?
What do you say?
Oh, look, what do you know,
you're out here in the hall.
(Silver barking)
And that's the way it happened.
You stole the dog.
Haven't you listened
to one word I've said?
I told you how they
treated this poor animal.
What choice did I have?
You could have minded
your own business.
Felix, they could
put you in prison. Ah.
You want to be known as
the Dogman of Alcatraz?
Don't be ridiculous.
You gotta get that
dog outta here. No!
Felix, you get
that dog outta here
or I'm gonna call the police.
You would squeal
on me, Swell Felix?
Listen, Swell Felix,
maybe you don't realize
what you have done.
By bringing that dog home
you have made me an
accomplice to a crime.
I could go to prison!
I am willing to take that risk.
Look at this beautiful dog.
No, you don't understand.
No, Felix, you don't...
"Beautiful" and "stolen"
don't go together.
"Prison" and "stolen,"
they go together.
Now that's it, Felix.
I want to have
nothing to do with it.
All right! Okay.
Let it be on your head.
Let what be on my head?
If anything happens to that
dog Saturday at half-time,
if he lands in a tuba,
let it be on your head.
Felix, I'm not the one who's
pushing him out of the airplane.
I just want to push him out
of this apartment, that's all.
Is it all right if I feed him
before you just throw
him out into the street?
15 minutes. Feed the dog.
15 minutes. I'm
gonna be firm this time.
I'm not kidding. I've had it.
15 minutes and out goes the dog.
That's it, 15 minutes, boy.
15 minutes.
15 min... 15...
You gotta half hour.
Out goes the dog.
This is really going
to be delicious.
You're going to love this.
There you go.
I hope he's a fast eater.
Don't listen to Oscar Legree.
Eat slowly and chew your food.
(doorbell buzzes)
Don't answer it.
Don't answer it.
Why not? Because, because
we don't know who it is.
That's how I'm gonna find out.
Who is it? It's Mr. Hugo.
Why are you making such a face?
Who's Mr. Hugo?
That's Silver's trainer.
(doorbell buzzes) Good,
I'm gonna let him in.
No, no. You tell him that
the dog followed you home.
No, no, no, no.
You tell him that you
kidnapped the dog.
I'm telling you.
Mr. Hugo, come in.
Oh, I want you to meet my
roommate, Oscar Madison.
How do you do.
This isn't a social visit.
Silver has run away.
Run away?
Zounds!
You were the last
one with him, Unger.
You didn't leave that
door open, did you?
No, no, no! No, I
closed that door.
Dumb dog.
This isn't the first
time he's run away.
Hmm. I've had to hunt him down
and drag him back three times.
But when I find
him this time, I'll...
Teach him a little respect
with that stick, huh?
It's the only thing
he understands.
Hmm. How about the muzzle?
He must be punished.
My father used to do that to me.
Well, I... I better
keep looking.
I've wasted enough time.
And I better get
the cops on this.
Ungrateful dog!
Elevator, stay!
Somebody oughta
put a muzzle on him.
Bless you, Oscar.
Beneath that gruff
exterior beats a heart...
Of a patsy. I know.
But Monday afternoon, it goes.
After the jump, it goes.
Now, Hugo or no Hugo, right?
That's all I ask. Okay.
♪ I dream of Silver ♪
♪ With the light brown hair ♪
♪ Prettier than any dog ♪
♪ Even a "Labra-dare" ♪
♪ I love ♪
♪ My Silver ♪
Felix.
♪ With the light brown...
♪ Felix, Felix, listen.
Will you listen, please? Shh.
I just ran into
Murray in the hall.
Did he see the dog or
didn't he? (laughing): Oh, no.
He came in and I hid
Silver in the kitchen. Oh.
Then he said he
wanted a drink of water,
so I told him we had
a busted water pipe.
Ah, that's why he went
down to the basement.
He's gonna fix our pipes.
(Silver whining)
You see how smart he is.
He knows he has to go out.
Yeah, he's gotta go out or else.
But, Felix, he can't.
Everybody's looking for him.
Ha, ha, ha! What?
The Unger mind at work.
Come here, Silver.
I got a disguise for him.
Come here, come
here. What is that?
See that?
A beagle mask?
Come on, Felix,
that's not gonna work.
That is the most
ridiculous thing
I ever saw in my life.
Hey, fellas, I gotta go home.
I couldn't find the busted pipe.
But I'll be back tomorrow.
Hey, I didn't know you
guys bought a beagle.
That's nice.
RONA BARRETT (on TV): And
what Hollywood hero with the initial S
has a bone to pick
with his manager?
The wicked whisper is
that the international
personality has been kidnapped,
but in this reporter's opinion,
the star willingly
took off in a "ruff."
The well-known
manager claims foul play,
but this reporter knows
that this is not the first time
the pair hasn't seen eye to eye.
This is Rona
Barrett in Hollywood.
(sportscast playing on TV)
ANNOUNCER: And
after that unusual halftime,
we'll be back with
the second half
of the Alabama-Nebraska
game, following this commercial.
(turns off TV)
Barbarians.
Savages.
Aw...
Well, Oscar, you missed
the half-time activities.
They didn't have Silver,
so they dropped a
goat down on the field.
He landed on the 50-yard-line
and then turned around
and ate his parachute.
And I missed it?!
Aw, you're safe now, fella...
Now we can take him back, okay?
Aw, please? Oh, Felix.
Now we had a
bargain... One more day?
No. Now don't
make it more difficult.
We made a promise
to each other, right,
that we were going
to stick to the bargain.
I don't know when we'll
see each other again, Silver.
(crying): I'll sure miss you...
Listen, in a couple of weeks,
he would've gotten
on your nerves anyway.
Listen, we'll make an
anonymous phone call to the police,
and we'll tell them
where he is, okay?
(sniffling)
(crying)
Hi, fellas.
Just hold it a second.
Mr. Hugo?
That's my dog!
That's him.
I had a hunch about you guys,
and I was right.
Silver, come.
Officer, do your duty.
I'm sorry, fellas, but
you're under arrest.
Now, come on down
with me to the station.
Let's go. Come on.
(sighs)
Well, you sure had me fooled.
I thought it was a beagle.
All rise.
Judge McCormick, presiding.
This court is now in session.
The State v. Madison and Unger.
Is the prosecution ready?
Uh, yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Is the defense ready?
Uh, Your Honor, my client,
Mr. Madison, and I are ready.
Who is defending Mr. Unger?
If it please the court...
I will serve as my own attorney.
Will the defendants please rise.
Rising.
You are charged
with grand theft.
Mr. Madison, how do you plead?
Guilty, Your Honor.
Are you out of your mind?
It's all arranged.
There'll be fine
and I'm out of it.
Now, that's it.
Plea bargaining. (gavel pounds)
Mr. Unger, how do you plead
to the charges against you?
I plead... unequivocal
innocence.
Does... Does that
mean "not guilty"?
Do bees buzz?
Yes. Not guilty.
Uh, Your Honor,
my client will accept
a sentence now.
I object, Your Honor.
Any penalty visited upon
my codefendant at this time,
will only serve to increase
the seeming
culpability of my client...
Felix Unger.
I ask the sentencing be
delayed till after my trial.
Denied.
Did you say, denied?
Do bees buzz?
That's a hanging judge.
Mr. Madison, you
will pay a fine of $300.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Chicken!
The prosecution will begin
its case against Mr. Unger.
To begin my case,
I would like the court to
meet the subject in question:
Silver the Wonder Dog.
Oh! Look at that nice doggie!
Bailiff!
This beautiful animal,
who never hurt anybody,
but brought joy to millions
of people all over the world,
was brazenly
stolen from his home
and held prisoner by this man!
And tell me, Mr. Hugo,
is the man who stole your
dog in this courtroom now?
Yes. The gentlemen
sitting right there!
That's all.
Mr. Unger, cross-examine.
Cross-examine?
I rather think not, Your Honor.
Though I reserve the
right to recall the witness.
Prosecution rests.
The defense calls,
as a surprise witness...
Oscar Madison.
(quietly): You'll be
my character witness.
Boy, we're going
to have fun up there.
You'll help me.
Eh, now come on.
Didn't expect that one, did you?
Blind you with my footwork, huh?
A lot more surprises
in this package, buddy.
Mr. Madison...
you are employed
as a sportswriter,
is that not correct? Yes.
Would you say that
you are well-paid?
I would say that.
You would.
How much of your
salary do you spend on...
gambling?
Well, a small percentage...
A small percentile?
Yes, I... Would you
say ten to 20 percent?
I might say that?
25 to 30 percent?
Maybe if you add it up...
Maybe 40 to 50 percent?
Maybe if you really...
60 percent? Well, I...
As a matter of fact,
you spend 61 percent
of your salary on gambling.
Something like that.
Exactly like that.
Mr. Madison... are you married?
I'm divorced.
I don't wonder.
Tell me, how far behind are
you on your alimony payments?
A few weeks.
Speak up so the
whole jury can hear you.
Would you hazard a guess
as to how many weeks?
Forty-seven.
Forty-seven weeks!
For almost a year, this
man neglected his ex-wife
to squander
a large part of a very
excellent paycheck
on gambling.
Yet this divorced gambler...
this man, who in this
very court plead guilty
to major theft, this
convicted felon...
held compassion for Silver.
I apologize to the court
for parading a person
like this before it.
Witness dismissed.
You may slink away.
(muttering angrily)
Help me out, help me out.
I'll help you out!
No further questions.
I would like to
recall to the stand
Mr. Hugo.
You've seen my razzle.
Now I'm going to
show you my dazzle.
Just a few questions, Mr. Hugo.
Tell me... what do
you do for a living?
I'm the owner, trainer,
manager and agent
for Silver the Wonder Dog.
Aha-ha.
And, uh... do you like animals?
I love this one.
You love this one.
That's very interesting.
Very interesting,
indeed, Mr. Hugo.
Hmm... Uh... (clears throat)
Mr. Unger, that's, that's mine.
Mr. Hugo... is it not true
that you poke and
hurt this animal,
that you hit him to
make him do his tricks?
Of course, it's true.
You admit it?
Any top animal trainer
will tell you it's necessary.
In his last picture,
Silver had to run
into a forest fire
and rescue a mannequin
dressed as Dean Jones.
Would you do that
if I didn't hit you?
Mr. Hugo, when I was a lad...
Yea high... I had a pup.
And pup spelled
backwards is still pup.
But dog spelled backwards...
I suggest you think
that over, Mr. Hugo.
JUDGE: Mr. Unger...
would you approach
the bench, please?
If you don't get to the point,
I'm going to smash your fingers.
If it please the court.
It would. It would.
Mr. Hugo, have
you ever considered
that perhaps Silver
would be happier
without all this glamour
and success and tinsel?
More content as an ordinary dog?
Then he wouldn't be Silver,
and he loves being Silver,
the great international
star, the Wonder Dog.
Oh, really?
Really, how very interesting.
Hmm... Well, Mr. Hugo...
isn't it true that
you were kicked out
of your high school dramatic
society for incompetence?
Well, I-I don't see...
That in your only
college production,
you were booed off the
stage on your entrance?
Well, I...
That you were the
laughingstock of summer stock?
Well, I don't
see the relative...
relevance in any of this.
I'll show you the relevance!
You always wanted to
be an actor, didn't you?
Well, yes, but... But
you couldn't cut it.
So you live vicariously
through the dog.
You wish you could run into
that fire and save Dean Jones,
but you can't!
And why?!
Because you can't act!
Oh... Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!
It's true! It's true! It's true!
I always wanted to be an actor.
I mean, I love acting.
I mean, Silver keeps me
close to show business.
But I never meant any harm.
May I ask the court to
show leniency to this man.
Why not?
He's not on trial, you are.
Then may I ask the court
to show leniency to me?
JUDGE: Ms. Forelady,
have you reached a verdict?
We have, Your Honor.
And how do you find?
We find the
defendant, Felix Unger,
guilty as charged.
Now I know how Dreyfus felt.
JUDGE: Mr. Unger,
you've been found
guilty, and rightly so.
This crime was inexcusable,
as was your nutsy
behavior in this court...
However, I know you
were motivated by love
for this animal
and your intentions were,
essentially, harmless.
Therefore, it is the
decision of this court
that you should see the bailiff
and pay a fine of one dollar.
Mr. Hugo,
I hope you will heed
what has been said here
and that you will be better
to this wonderful doggie.
And Mr. Unger, I hope you
stay out of the law business.
Court adjourned.
Mr. Unger, I want to thank you.
I now know what I have to do.
I'm going to give
Silver a long vacation,
and I'm going back
to acting school.
Thank you.
Oh, and I won't be needing this.
Thank you.
Good-bye, Silver.
Silver, come.
Well, everybody's happy.
They fined you a dollar?
I don't understand.
A man steals a dog
and brings him home
to my apartment.
I spend the night in jail.
I have to sleep on a
pair of wino's shoes.
I pay a lawyer, and I
gotta pay a $300 fine.
I am humiliated in court.
I have a criminal record.
And you ask me if I'm happy?
I'm sorry, Oscar.
Never mind being sorry.
Lend me the $300.
No, I can't do that.
Why not?
How would you
ever learn a lesson?