The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Hollywood Story - full transcript
Oscar lands a bit part in a Hollywood movie and Felix becomes his agent. Bob Hope guests.
Okay, Murray, I'm all packed.
(chuckling)
Packed yourself, huh?
Very funny.
Hey, Rome sticker!
When did you get to Rome?
I didn't. I went to Chicago.
My bag went to Rome.
I hope you and your
bag make it to Hollywood.
It wouldn't look good
for a movie star to
be without clothes.
What movie star? Now,
I'm only doing a cameo role,
a few lines... They
want authenticity,
sportswriters to
play themselves.
Dan Jenkins, the
famous sportswriter...
he's playing himself, too, see?
Oh, yeah.
You forgot to pack
handkerchiefs.
No, I packed one.
He's taking one
hanky to Hollywood.
I'm only taking one nose.
Pack these. Oh... You
see the way he packs?
Look at that bag.
Did you try to
fold your clothes?
Yeah.
Hey, I forgot my ticket.
Better check your room to
see if there's anything else
you forgot before I
have to board it up.
When Crazy Rhoda gets here,
tell her I'll be
right back, okay?
He's going to Hollywood
with Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman?
The studio sent him two tickets,
so he's taking her as
his private secretary.
(whistling)
You think you'll ever
get to Hollywood, Felix?
Hollywood... it's the
last place I want to go.
Land of sham, pretense.
(doorbell buzzing)
Plastic people.
Yes?
I'm Rhoda Zimmerman's sister,
and she ain't going no
place no time with nobody.
She's at home,
chained to the radiator.
You want to have some fun?
Don't count on the Zimmermans!
Ow.
Oh, that Crazy Rhoda.
She always does
something like this
at the last minute,
on every trip.
I guess you're just stuck
with an extra ticket, Oscar.
Yeah, but I don't
want to go alone.
I wonder who I should take.
MURRAY: I'd go with you,
but I'm a policeman,
and I can't shirk my duties.
My place is here on
the streets of New York,
protecting the... Who asked you?
I'm thinking of a girl.
Trouble is, all
the girls I think of,
you got to give at
least an hour's notice.
I know, maybe I'll meet
somebody nice on standby.
Okay, you go get the car.
Okay, okay. So long, buddy.
Bye, Oscar.
Have a nice trip.
I know you'll be wonderful in...
Oh, please take me with you.
Please, please!
My life is so boring here.
I'm crazy about Hollywood.
I'm dying to meet Rona Barrett.
Oh, please, please,
please take me with you!
Why didn't you say
something before?
I have my pride.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
FELIX: Doris Day.
There's a cigarette
butt on Doris Day,
and she doesn't even smoke.
Look... Red Buttons.
And Maurice Chevalier.
Remember Gigi? John Barrymore.
Your favorite, John
Barrymore. John Barrymore!
Look at that, my feet
are the same size.
And hands.
Oh, there's his profile.
Listen, take my picture
with my face in it.
Come on, people will think
you're a New York wino.
Will you get up? Come on!
Is my face in there? Yes.
Is my nose in his nose?
Yes.
Is my hair in his hair? Yes!
Good... take it.
(clicking) You've got
your hat in front of it.
(clicking)
Okay, now, you get down
and I'll take your picture.
I'm not gonna put
my face down there.
You're no fun on a trip.
WOMAN: Maps of the
stars! Maps of the stars!
Hey, we'll take two.
Who buys these mostly?
Burglars.
This is Toluca Lake,
so he's got to be around here.
Yeah, look, it's got
Helen Twelvetrees,
Wallace Beery...
how old is this map?
No, no, you look
for a street called...
Oh, why, yes... (mumbles)
You never would find it.
Look, there he is. Where?
There he is. Where?
There's Bob Hope. Where?
Right there.
Felix, what are you
doing? Excuse me.
Mr. Hope, Mr. Hope, hi!
We just got here from New York.
Relatives?
No, we're tourists.
Hope... hope we're
not regular tourists.
My name is Felix Unger,
this is Oscar Madison.
I couldn't find you on the map.
Good, good.
You take out your own
garbage, Mr. Hope?
Well, I usually
have it gift wrapped.
Isn't that marvelous?
You-you have a funny joke ready
for every situation,
haven't you?
I have a large
garbage file, yeah.
Can I have a piece of
your garbage as a souvenir?
Wouldn't you like
the main course first?
No, just an... oh,
an orange peel.
That would just be perfect.
Thank you so very much.
Crosby just squeezed those.
Ah.
Would you mind autographing it?
People will never believe...
they'll never believe
in a million years
that I got this from you here.
Isn't that wonderful?
They're just like
ordinary people.
Just marvelous.
Oh, thank you so
very, very much.
Sorry, would you... would...
would you mind
taking a picture with us?
Not at all. I don't
have my camera.
Do you have a camera?
Next time.
Felix, will you...
I gotta get a dog.
Garbage! Oh, boy, oh!
But the garbage of a star.
Wow!
Okay, imagine: Bob Hope.
Who's next?
Me! I want to go
back to the hotel,
where I can look at the
pretty girls around the pool.
All right, I'll go shopping.
(swimmers whooping,
chatting happily)
Oscar? (gasps)
(screams)
Have you seen so
many beautiful girls?
You will never in a
million years guess
whom I just saw in
the lobby of this hotel
standing not two
feet from me. Who?
Cuffy Crabbe.
Who?
Buster Crabbe's son, Cuffy.
He was standing right there.
I could've touched him.
He was buying shampoo
just like a regular person's son.
I got his autograph anyway.
Oh, Oscar, I'll never be
able to thank you enough
for bringing me here. Oh...
It's the most... guess!
Guess what's going to happen
right outside our
balcony in 30 minutes.
Cuffy's gonna wash his hair.
Doris Day walks her dog.
Felix, you gotta stop being
so crazy and starstruck.
Buying maps to
movie stars' homes.
I'm here on business,
remember? Ah, ah.
Gotta talk to you
about that. What?
I also found out
that when Dan Jenkins
was here for his cameo,
the studio got him a bungalow
with a sauna and a bar.
That's great for Dan, right?
Well, of course it's great.
You just got an ordinary room.
Well, nice, yeah. Well, look,
I'm sure it's only an oversight.
Look, I'm not a troublemaker,
but if the studio knew
about... No, no, no, no, no.
Don't you call the studio...
I'm very happy with what I got.
Please, Felix, will you
look at this? One little call.
I got a good view of the diving
board. These people know how to deal
with these things, believe
me. You don't understand.
J.B. Hoffstetter, the
head of the studio,
just called me, see?
Everything is terrific.
I told him I'm very happy
with what I got. J.B.
Hoffstetter called you?
Yes, he wanted to make sure
that I had the script,
and I told him I did have it.
Then it's official. Yeah.
You're in flicks.
That's right, buddy.
You're on your way.
Let me see... when
do we go to the studio?
No, we don't go to the studio.
Why, why? We're
going on location.
Oh, that's much better.
That's authentic, then.
I like that, let me see
the script. Home Run Kid.
Home Run Kid. I like
the title... isn't that good?
Yes, yes. It's kind of nice.
Wait-wait till you see
the part, it's terrific.
Oh, your part. Here it is, here.
See, I go in, and
then I say, Yeah, yeah.
"Tell us about your
career, slugger." Yeah.
And then... oh, there it is.
"Thanks for the interview."
That's it?
That's it.
They can't treat you this way.
You're a New York actor.
Felix, I'm a New
York sports columnist.
I don't care how many
lines they give me.
This whole thing is a lark.
Oscar, baby...
don't let these showbiz
heavies push you around.
If you're scared,
you're gonna be washed
up in the business.
I'm not scared. You're not?
No. Okay, show me your part.
Do it for me. Oh,
come on, I don't want to.
Do it for me, let me...
I want to rehearse you. Okay.
Let's see what you've got now.
How are you gonna do
it? Okay, oh, wait, um...
Tell us about your
career, slugger.
No, no, wait,
wait, I'll do it better.
Uh... Tell us about
your career, slugger.
Tell us about your
career, slugger!
Hey, slugger, tell us
about your career, see?
Hey, slugger, you better
tell us about your career.
You understand, slugger?
They're going to
waste talent like that?
Got any more changes?
Yeah, the locker room
scene was kind of choppy,
so I padded the part of
the New York sportswriter.
I gave him another two pages.
That's gonna mean
an extra day's shooting.
We'll have to give
Madison more money.
Yeah, what do you
think we should give him?
Well... (intercom buzzes)
Yeah?
Who?
Felix Unger?
I don't know any Felix Unger.
What does he do?
Oh, Oscar Madison's agent.
Good.
We'll settle this
matter right now.
Send him in, Pam.
Madison's got an agent?
(sighing): It's not funny.
I know! He's gonna
want $1,000 more.
I'll try to get him for $500.
(knock at door)
Hi.
J.B.
J.B... my client is not happy.
Now, person to
person, man to man,
agent to mogul, can't...
O.M.?
Oscar!
Yeah?
Hey, that you, buddy? Ah.
(laughing)
(sighs)
How you doing?
Fine, what were you doing?
Sunbathing.
Oh. That's my sunsuit.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, how's my favorite client?
Favorite what?
Felix, don't tell me
that after what I said to you,
you had the nerve,
the audacity, to go
down to that studio
and embarrass me.
Don't tell me that
you went down and...
What did you do?
You got me two extra
pages of dialogue?
Not only that,
I conned them into
giving you more money.
I got another $50 out of them.
It's a nice stadium
for a little place, huh?
It's a stadium.
Wow, I'm still stiff,
you know that?
Of course you're stiff.
80 miles down here in a hot bus.
Pahrump, Nevada.
Lizard capital of the world.
Downtown is a fruit stand.
Felix, this is the
location they wanted.
They're gonna shoot
here, let's not gripe.
When Dan Jenkins
went on his location,
the studio sent him in an
air-conditioned limousine.
They did? You're
darn right they did.
Are you sure?
Of course, I'm sure.
It's just plain unfair.
Oh, cut it out.
Look, all right, Felix,
you got me some extra money,
you got me a few extra lines.
Let's not press our luck.
I just don't... I'm
happy with what...
Okay, everyone, we shoot
this sequence tomorrow.
Let's get the rehearsal going.
Have you got the
sportswriter scene?
Here you are, Mr. Lennox.
Oh, yeah, Madison. Madison?!
Yeah, here.
Ah! Right here.
Are you Madison?
No. I'm Felix Unger.
I'm Oscar Madison's agent.
I'm Oscar Madison. How are you?
You look like a sportswriter.
Thank you.
Griff? I want you
to meet our star.
Yes?
Griff Lockwood, this
is Oscar Madison.
He's the one who
does the interview.
Very nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Oscar.
I'm a big fan of yours.
And I'm a big fan of yours!
Griff Lockwood!
Oh, boy!
I saw you in Hotel Romp.
That's the one he made
with Rhonda Bisque.
Tell me, when you
were shooting that,
was there something
between you and Rhonda, huh?
Are you in the picture?
No. Good.
Call when you're ready.
Griff, Griff.
You're a married man...
Felix, It's bad enough
you read every gossip
column in the world,
do you have to believe 'em?
Where there's
smoke, there's fire.
So suppose he had a little
thing going with Rhonda?
Will you forget it?
Sure, we can forget it, but can
his wife, lovely Helen Lockwood
driven to drink by the
uncaring extramarital antics
of Hollywood's most famous star?
Will you cut it out?!
That was Rona's biggest scoop!
LENNOX: Okay,
let's go over the lines.
Get Griff's stand-in.
Get Griff's stand-in.
Now, Oscar...
Excuse me just a moment, Oscar.
Talk to you a minute?
Look, if you're going
to use Griff's stand-in,
don't you think you
ought to use Oscar's?
He doesn't have a stand-in.
Ally.
Doesn't have a stand-in?
What time does Mr. Madison
have to be at work tomorrow?
Six o'clock.
In the morning?
Yes.
I don't like that.
No, no, I don't like that.
Look, I'm perfectly willing to
work these things out reasonably
with you people, but
don't push Oscar Madison.
The man's a lunatic.
One word and he goes like that.
He's a walking volcano.
The man slapped Fellini.
What can I tell you?
He slapped Fellini.
Well, Mr. Unger, I
think I understand.
I knew I could talk to you.
Just let me make
one telephone call.
Take care of the whole thing.
Good.
While you're at it,
it might be a good
idea to get him a trailer.
I think he'd like that.
A trailer. Yeah.
Something nice and classy.
Something nice and classy.
Also a golf cart to take
him to take him to and fro.
I think that would
be the right thing.
A golf cart. Yeah.
Susan, get me that
sportswriter from Chicago.
I'm firing Madison.
You tell him.
Felix, look,
this is what they
want me to wear.
How's it look? Tell
me what you think.
What's the matter?
Felix, tell me what's
the matter... what is it?
(whispers): You're fired.
Fired? Why am I fired?
Oscar, you don't know this town.
Pahrump?
Hollywood! The whole business.
I asked for a stand-in for you.
I asked for a dressing room.
I suggested you don't have to
get up so early in the morning.
I didn't care
about those things!
Now you tell me!
I hope you get
bitten by a lizard!
(laughing)
Oh, the joke's really
on that studio, isn't it?
They bring us all the
way out here to California,
all expenses paid,
and then they don't
use us in the picture.
There'll be other opportunities.
Why should we have regrets?
Look at the swell
new clothes I got.
I saw Doris Day's dog.
What would you be
doing in New York now?
Unchaining Crazy
Rhoda Zimmerman.
Look, I-I sense that you're
a little down about this.
I can understand that.
You're the kind of fellow
who's easily depressed,
but don't let things bother you.
Bounce back.
Shrug them off. I do.
Come on. Let's see a smile.
A grin? A smirk?
Okay...
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
It's time I go down to that
studio and force their hand.
When I get through with
them, you're not only going
to have your part back,
but you're going to
have another raise.
Fair enough?
Shake.
You got a deal.
(door opens, closes)
What am I gonna do?
The sportswriter from Chicago
was so glad he got the part,
he dropped dead.
I gotta have Madison back.
I got no choice.
Pam, send in Unger.
Now, listen to me,
J.B., and listen good...
Okay, Madison's
back in the picture.
Do you mind if I give you
some constructive criticism, J.B.?
You need more backbone.
You're a... you're pretty
much of a marshmallow, fella.
You let me roll
all over you there.
I can tell you now I
was ready to squirm.
Five more minutes and you'd
have had me on my knees.
You gotta toughen up, guy,
or people'll walk all over you.
Will you get outta here?!
That's good. That's good.
Keep it up.
Okay, here we go, fella.
Show 'em how it's done.
MAN: Places everybody.
Break a leg.
I will.
Griff, good luck in the scene.
Homewrecker.
Do you mind if I have my chair?
Now, listen, Griff, if I do anything
wrong, please let me know, okay?
Because this is all new to me.
Oscar, you're gonna
be sensational.
We're ready for the mayor.
Your Honor?
The Mayor?
Yeah, the Mayor of Pahrump.
He wouldn't give
us a shooting permit,
so I let him join the crew.
Your Honor?
Roll camera.
Mark it.
LENNOX: And... action.
Tell us about your
career, Slugger.
Now, Oscar, don't
rush your lines.
Take your time. Start
from the beginning.
We're still rolling.
Don't be nervous.
Don't be nervous. Take it easy.
Tell us about
your career, Felix.
See? It's your fault.
From the beginning.
Just start over.
Start over.
Tell us about your
career, Slugger.
Well, it all started
when I... Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to step on his toe.
I stepped on it. I'm sorry.
He tripped you!
GRIFF: I'm all right, Oscar.
It's an old trick.
Arthur Treacher did
that to Shirley Temple.
Still rolling. Gentlemen,
if we can, from the top.
We're still rolling.
Tell us about your
career, Slugger.
Well, it all started
when I tried out
for the minor league team
the Fort Worth Blues.
How old were you then?
I was 17.
Uh-huh. And how old are you now?
Twenty-two.
(snickering)
Shh!
Well, I was very green then,
but I finally made the team.
Uh-huh.
I made the team, yeah.
It must have been
quite a struggle.
Oh, it was. It was
a real struggle.
Hand me my shirt, will
you please, Oscar? Ooh!
(ripping)
Cut! Print it!
Wardrobe!
Congratulations.
Are you crazy? I
blew it. I was terrible.
That was great.
You were marvelous.
You saved that scene.
The scene needed a laugh.
You added three big screamos!
Are you out of your
mind? You go rest, baby.
You loosen up and rest. I
have to talk to the biggies.
LENNOX: What're we gonna
do? J.B., This is impossible.
Oh no, no, no. He'll
get the hang of it.
Can't you get somebody else?
No, don't do that. Please, J.B..
I don't want to postpone the
scene. We're all set up here.
You replace him, it
has to be here and now.
No, don't, please, I beg of you.
He'll get good.
We've got an hour to get
another actor up here from L.A.
Gee, I wish we had somebody here
who could step in, who knew the lines.
I do.
What?
I know all the lines.
You can try it.
Thanks.
Try it.
Oscar? Oscar.
Yeah? Yeah?
Baby... you're out of the flick.
What happened?
They're going for a younger man.
I fought like a banshee for you,
but they wouldn't listen to me.
Who'd they get to replace me?
Give me your hat and
your pad and wish me luck.
Action.
Tell me about your
career, Slugger.
Well, it all started when
I tried out for this team.
The minor league team...
The Fort Worth Blues.
Fort Worth. Yes.
That's in Texas.
Hot wind, blazing sun.
How old were you then?
I was 17.
A boy in a man's game.
How old are you now?
Why, 22.
(snickering)
FELIX: It was a tough struggle.
I was green, but
I finally made it.
It was a struggle, yes.
You grew up in
a grimy little cabin
in the middle of the
Texas panhandle.
No heat, no food!
For breakfast you had to
suck on a piece of cactus!
GRIFF: Hey...!
You never had
a toy to play with.
You never had a pair of
brown-and-white shoes.
You never even
took violin lessons.
But you knew that you
wanted to play baseball.
You couldn't afford
any equipment!
So you made a catcher's mitt
out of a satin pillow reading:
"Greetings from
Yellowstone Park!"
You couldn't afford a bat,
so you used your little brother.
The other kids wouldn't
play with that brave little lad
with the weird mitt
and the talking bat.
(snickering): Twenty-two!
Cut!
Unger, you're out!
No!
Felix, that was the worst acting
I've ever seen in my entire life
and I appreciate
it. But it worked!
I told you Unger had a plan.
I killed the hour. Now
they've gotta use you.
You know, I can't
figure you out.
One minute you're
driving me up the wall
the next minute you do a
crazy, beautiful thing like this.
You're a worse pip
than Crazy Rhoda.
Well, don't spread it
around that I'm a nice guy.
It'll kill me in the business.
All right, Unger,
get out of the way.
There you go,
baby, it's all yours.
Take over.
Madison... Yeah?
Out of the way, please.
Why? Who's going
to play the reporter?
None of your business!
Speed. Mark.
(clapper clacks)
Action.
Tell us about your
career, uh, son.
(yawning): Oscar?
Yeah.
Hey, I just had a nap,
and I had that dream again.
I dreamed the movie came out
and you were such a smash in it,
they put your handprints
in Grauman's Chinese.
Felix, I never got in
the picture, remember?
I know, I know, but I won't rest
until I see your handprints.
Rest.
(chuckling)
Packed yourself, huh?
Very funny.
Hey, Rome sticker!
When did you get to Rome?
I didn't. I went to Chicago.
My bag went to Rome.
I hope you and your
bag make it to Hollywood.
It wouldn't look good
for a movie star to
be without clothes.
What movie star? Now,
I'm only doing a cameo role,
a few lines... They
want authenticity,
sportswriters to
play themselves.
Dan Jenkins, the
famous sportswriter...
he's playing himself, too, see?
Oh, yeah.
You forgot to pack
handkerchiefs.
No, I packed one.
He's taking one
hanky to Hollywood.
I'm only taking one nose.
Pack these. Oh... You
see the way he packs?
Look at that bag.
Did you try to
fold your clothes?
Yeah.
Hey, I forgot my ticket.
Better check your room to
see if there's anything else
you forgot before I
have to board it up.
When Crazy Rhoda gets here,
tell her I'll be
right back, okay?
He's going to Hollywood
with Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman?
The studio sent him two tickets,
so he's taking her as
his private secretary.
(whistling)
You think you'll ever
get to Hollywood, Felix?
Hollywood... it's the
last place I want to go.
Land of sham, pretense.
(doorbell buzzing)
Plastic people.
Yes?
I'm Rhoda Zimmerman's sister,
and she ain't going no
place no time with nobody.
She's at home,
chained to the radiator.
You want to have some fun?
Don't count on the Zimmermans!
Ow.
Oh, that Crazy Rhoda.
She always does
something like this
at the last minute,
on every trip.
I guess you're just stuck
with an extra ticket, Oscar.
Yeah, but I don't
want to go alone.
I wonder who I should take.
MURRAY: I'd go with you,
but I'm a policeman,
and I can't shirk my duties.
My place is here on
the streets of New York,
protecting the... Who asked you?
I'm thinking of a girl.
Trouble is, all
the girls I think of,
you got to give at
least an hour's notice.
I know, maybe I'll meet
somebody nice on standby.
Okay, you go get the car.
Okay, okay. So long, buddy.
Bye, Oscar.
Have a nice trip.
I know you'll be wonderful in...
Oh, please take me with you.
Please, please!
My life is so boring here.
I'm crazy about Hollywood.
I'm dying to meet Rona Barrett.
Oh, please, please,
please take me with you!
Why didn't you say
something before?
I have my pride.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
FELIX: Doris Day.
There's a cigarette
butt on Doris Day,
and she doesn't even smoke.
Look... Red Buttons.
And Maurice Chevalier.
Remember Gigi? John Barrymore.
Your favorite, John
Barrymore. John Barrymore!
Look at that, my feet
are the same size.
And hands.
Oh, there's his profile.
Listen, take my picture
with my face in it.
Come on, people will think
you're a New York wino.
Will you get up? Come on!
Is my face in there? Yes.
Is my nose in his nose?
Yes.
Is my hair in his hair? Yes!
Good... take it.
(clicking) You've got
your hat in front of it.
(clicking)
Okay, now, you get down
and I'll take your picture.
I'm not gonna put
my face down there.
You're no fun on a trip.
WOMAN: Maps of the
stars! Maps of the stars!
Hey, we'll take two.
Who buys these mostly?
Burglars.
This is Toluca Lake,
so he's got to be around here.
Yeah, look, it's got
Helen Twelvetrees,
Wallace Beery...
how old is this map?
No, no, you look
for a street called...
Oh, why, yes... (mumbles)
You never would find it.
Look, there he is. Where?
There he is. Where?
There's Bob Hope. Where?
Right there.
Felix, what are you
doing? Excuse me.
Mr. Hope, Mr. Hope, hi!
We just got here from New York.
Relatives?
No, we're tourists.
Hope... hope we're
not regular tourists.
My name is Felix Unger,
this is Oscar Madison.
I couldn't find you on the map.
Good, good.
You take out your own
garbage, Mr. Hope?
Well, I usually
have it gift wrapped.
Isn't that marvelous?
You-you have a funny joke ready
for every situation,
haven't you?
I have a large
garbage file, yeah.
Can I have a piece of
your garbage as a souvenir?
Wouldn't you like
the main course first?
No, just an... oh,
an orange peel.
That would just be perfect.
Thank you so very much.
Crosby just squeezed those.
Ah.
Would you mind autographing it?
People will never believe...
they'll never believe
in a million years
that I got this from you here.
Isn't that wonderful?
They're just like
ordinary people.
Just marvelous.
Oh, thank you so
very, very much.
Sorry, would you... would...
would you mind
taking a picture with us?
Not at all. I don't
have my camera.
Do you have a camera?
Next time.
Felix, will you...
I gotta get a dog.
Garbage! Oh, boy, oh!
But the garbage of a star.
Wow!
Okay, imagine: Bob Hope.
Who's next?
Me! I want to go
back to the hotel,
where I can look at the
pretty girls around the pool.
All right, I'll go shopping.
(swimmers whooping,
chatting happily)
Oscar? (gasps)
(screams)
Have you seen so
many beautiful girls?
You will never in a
million years guess
whom I just saw in
the lobby of this hotel
standing not two
feet from me. Who?
Cuffy Crabbe.
Who?
Buster Crabbe's son, Cuffy.
He was standing right there.
I could've touched him.
He was buying shampoo
just like a regular person's son.
I got his autograph anyway.
Oh, Oscar, I'll never be
able to thank you enough
for bringing me here. Oh...
It's the most... guess!
Guess what's going to happen
right outside our
balcony in 30 minutes.
Cuffy's gonna wash his hair.
Doris Day walks her dog.
Felix, you gotta stop being
so crazy and starstruck.
Buying maps to
movie stars' homes.
I'm here on business,
remember? Ah, ah.
Gotta talk to you
about that. What?
I also found out
that when Dan Jenkins
was here for his cameo,
the studio got him a bungalow
with a sauna and a bar.
That's great for Dan, right?
Well, of course it's great.
You just got an ordinary room.
Well, nice, yeah. Well, look,
I'm sure it's only an oversight.
Look, I'm not a troublemaker,
but if the studio knew
about... No, no, no, no, no.
Don't you call the studio...
I'm very happy with what I got.
Please, Felix, will you
look at this? One little call.
I got a good view of the diving
board. These people know how to deal
with these things, believe
me. You don't understand.
J.B. Hoffstetter, the
head of the studio,
just called me, see?
Everything is terrific.
I told him I'm very happy
with what I got. J.B.
Hoffstetter called you?
Yes, he wanted to make sure
that I had the script,
and I told him I did have it.
Then it's official. Yeah.
You're in flicks.
That's right, buddy.
You're on your way.
Let me see... when
do we go to the studio?
No, we don't go to the studio.
Why, why? We're
going on location.
Oh, that's much better.
That's authentic, then.
I like that, let me see
the script. Home Run Kid.
Home Run Kid. I like
the title... isn't that good?
Yes, yes. It's kind of nice.
Wait-wait till you see
the part, it's terrific.
Oh, your part. Here it is, here.
See, I go in, and
then I say, Yeah, yeah.
"Tell us about your
career, slugger." Yeah.
And then... oh, there it is.
"Thanks for the interview."
That's it?
That's it.
They can't treat you this way.
You're a New York actor.
Felix, I'm a New
York sports columnist.
I don't care how many
lines they give me.
This whole thing is a lark.
Oscar, baby...
don't let these showbiz
heavies push you around.
If you're scared,
you're gonna be washed
up in the business.
I'm not scared. You're not?
No. Okay, show me your part.
Do it for me. Oh,
come on, I don't want to.
Do it for me, let me...
I want to rehearse you. Okay.
Let's see what you've got now.
How are you gonna do
it? Okay, oh, wait, um...
Tell us about your
career, slugger.
No, no, wait,
wait, I'll do it better.
Uh... Tell us about
your career, slugger.
Tell us about your
career, slugger!
Hey, slugger, tell us
about your career, see?
Hey, slugger, you better
tell us about your career.
You understand, slugger?
They're going to
waste talent like that?
Got any more changes?
Yeah, the locker room
scene was kind of choppy,
so I padded the part of
the New York sportswriter.
I gave him another two pages.
That's gonna mean
an extra day's shooting.
We'll have to give
Madison more money.
Yeah, what do you
think we should give him?
Well... (intercom buzzes)
Yeah?
Who?
Felix Unger?
I don't know any Felix Unger.
What does he do?
Oh, Oscar Madison's agent.
Good.
We'll settle this
matter right now.
Send him in, Pam.
Madison's got an agent?
(sighing): It's not funny.
I know! He's gonna
want $1,000 more.
I'll try to get him for $500.
(knock at door)
Hi.
J.B.
J.B... my client is not happy.
Now, person to
person, man to man,
agent to mogul, can't...
O.M.?
Oscar!
Yeah?
Hey, that you, buddy? Ah.
(laughing)
(sighs)
How you doing?
Fine, what were you doing?
Sunbathing.
Oh. That's my sunsuit.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, how's my favorite client?
Favorite what?
Felix, don't tell me
that after what I said to you,
you had the nerve,
the audacity, to go
down to that studio
and embarrass me.
Don't tell me that
you went down and...
What did you do?
You got me two extra
pages of dialogue?
Not only that,
I conned them into
giving you more money.
I got another $50 out of them.
It's a nice stadium
for a little place, huh?
It's a stadium.
Wow, I'm still stiff,
you know that?
Of course you're stiff.
80 miles down here in a hot bus.
Pahrump, Nevada.
Lizard capital of the world.
Downtown is a fruit stand.
Felix, this is the
location they wanted.
They're gonna shoot
here, let's not gripe.
When Dan Jenkins
went on his location,
the studio sent him in an
air-conditioned limousine.
They did? You're
darn right they did.
Are you sure?
Of course, I'm sure.
It's just plain unfair.
Oh, cut it out.
Look, all right, Felix,
you got me some extra money,
you got me a few extra lines.
Let's not press our luck.
I just don't... I'm
happy with what...
Okay, everyone, we shoot
this sequence tomorrow.
Let's get the rehearsal going.
Have you got the
sportswriter scene?
Here you are, Mr. Lennox.
Oh, yeah, Madison. Madison?!
Yeah, here.
Ah! Right here.
Are you Madison?
No. I'm Felix Unger.
I'm Oscar Madison's agent.
I'm Oscar Madison. How are you?
You look like a sportswriter.
Thank you.
Griff? I want you
to meet our star.
Yes?
Griff Lockwood, this
is Oscar Madison.
He's the one who
does the interview.
Very nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Oscar.
I'm a big fan of yours.
And I'm a big fan of yours!
Griff Lockwood!
Oh, boy!
I saw you in Hotel Romp.
That's the one he made
with Rhonda Bisque.
Tell me, when you
were shooting that,
was there something
between you and Rhonda, huh?
Are you in the picture?
No. Good.
Call when you're ready.
Griff, Griff.
You're a married man...
Felix, It's bad enough
you read every gossip
column in the world,
do you have to believe 'em?
Where there's
smoke, there's fire.
So suppose he had a little
thing going with Rhonda?
Will you forget it?
Sure, we can forget it, but can
his wife, lovely Helen Lockwood
driven to drink by the
uncaring extramarital antics
of Hollywood's most famous star?
Will you cut it out?!
That was Rona's biggest scoop!
LENNOX: Okay,
let's go over the lines.
Get Griff's stand-in.
Get Griff's stand-in.
Now, Oscar...
Excuse me just a moment, Oscar.
Talk to you a minute?
Look, if you're going
to use Griff's stand-in,
don't you think you
ought to use Oscar's?
He doesn't have a stand-in.
Ally.
Doesn't have a stand-in?
What time does Mr. Madison
have to be at work tomorrow?
Six o'clock.
In the morning?
Yes.
I don't like that.
No, no, I don't like that.
Look, I'm perfectly willing to
work these things out reasonably
with you people, but
don't push Oscar Madison.
The man's a lunatic.
One word and he goes like that.
He's a walking volcano.
The man slapped Fellini.
What can I tell you?
He slapped Fellini.
Well, Mr. Unger, I
think I understand.
I knew I could talk to you.
Just let me make
one telephone call.
Take care of the whole thing.
Good.
While you're at it,
it might be a good
idea to get him a trailer.
I think he'd like that.
A trailer. Yeah.
Something nice and classy.
Something nice and classy.
Also a golf cart to take
him to take him to and fro.
I think that would
be the right thing.
A golf cart. Yeah.
Susan, get me that
sportswriter from Chicago.
I'm firing Madison.
You tell him.
Felix, look,
this is what they
want me to wear.
How's it look? Tell
me what you think.
What's the matter?
Felix, tell me what's
the matter... what is it?
(whispers): You're fired.
Fired? Why am I fired?
Oscar, you don't know this town.
Pahrump?
Hollywood! The whole business.
I asked for a stand-in for you.
I asked for a dressing room.
I suggested you don't have to
get up so early in the morning.
I didn't care
about those things!
Now you tell me!
I hope you get
bitten by a lizard!
(laughing)
Oh, the joke's really
on that studio, isn't it?
They bring us all the
way out here to California,
all expenses paid,
and then they don't
use us in the picture.
There'll be other opportunities.
Why should we have regrets?
Look at the swell
new clothes I got.
I saw Doris Day's dog.
What would you be
doing in New York now?
Unchaining Crazy
Rhoda Zimmerman.
Look, I-I sense that you're
a little down about this.
I can understand that.
You're the kind of fellow
who's easily depressed,
but don't let things bother you.
Bounce back.
Shrug them off. I do.
Come on. Let's see a smile.
A grin? A smirk?
Okay...
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
It's time I go down to that
studio and force their hand.
When I get through with
them, you're not only going
to have your part back,
but you're going to
have another raise.
Fair enough?
Shake.
You got a deal.
(door opens, closes)
What am I gonna do?
The sportswriter from Chicago
was so glad he got the part,
he dropped dead.
I gotta have Madison back.
I got no choice.
Pam, send in Unger.
Now, listen to me,
J.B., and listen good...
Okay, Madison's
back in the picture.
Do you mind if I give you
some constructive criticism, J.B.?
You need more backbone.
You're a... you're pretty
much of a marshmallow, fella.
You let me roll
all over you there.
I can tell you now I
was ready to squirm.
Five more minutes and you'd
have had me on my knees.
You gotta toughen up, guy,
or people'll walk all over you.
Will you get outta here?!
That's good. That's good.
Keep it up.
Okay, here we go, fella.
Show 'em how it's done.
MAN: Places everybody.
Break a leg.
I will.
Griff, good luck in the scene.
Homewrecker.
Do you mind if I have my chair?
Now, listen, Griff, if I do anything
wrong, please let me know, okay?
Because this is all new to me.
Oscar, you're gonna
be sensational.
We're ready for the mayor.
Your Honor?
The Mayor?
Yeah, the Mayor of Pahrump.
He wouldn't give
us a shooting permit,
so I let him join the crew.
Your Honor?
Roll camera.
Mark it.
LENNOX: And... action.
Tell us about your
career, Slugger.
Now, Oscar, don't
rush your lines.
Take your time. Start
from the beginning.
We're still rolling.
Don't be nervous.
Don't be nervous. Take it easy.
Tell us about
your career, Felix.
See? It's your fault.
From the beginning.
Just start over.
Start over.
Tell us about your
career, Slugger.
Well, it all started
when I... Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to step on his toe.
I stepped on it. I'm sorry.
He tripped you!
GRIFF: I'm all right, Oscar.
It's an old trick.
Arthur Treacher did
that to Shirley Temple.
Still rolling. Gentlemen,
if we can, from the top.
We're still rolling.
Tell us about your
career, Slugger.
Well, it all started
when I tried out
for the minor league team
the Fort Worth Blues.
How old were you then?
I was 17.
Uh-huh. And how old are you now?
Twenty-two.
(snickering)
Shh!
Well, I was very green then,
but I finally made the team.
Uh-huh.
I made the team, yeah.
It must have been
quite a struggle.
Oh, it was. It was
a real struggle.
Hand me my shirt, will
you please, Oscar? Ooh!
(ripping)
Cut! Print it!
Wardrobe!
Congratulations.
Are you crazy? I
blew it. I was terrible.
That was great.
You were marvelous.
You saved that scene.
The scene needed a laugh.
You added three big screamos!
Are you out of your
mind? You go rest, baby.
You loosen up and rest. I
have to talk to the biggies.
LENNOX: What're we gonna
do? J.B., This is impossible.
Oh no, no, no. He'll
get the hang of it.
Can't you get somebody else?
No, don't do that. Please, J.B..
I don't want to postpone the
scene. We're all set up here.
You replace him, it
has to be here and now.
No, don't, please, I beg of you.
He'll get good.
We've got an hour to get
another actor up here from L.A.
Gee, I wish we had somebody here
who could step in, who knew the lines.
I do.
What?
I know all the lines.
You can try it.
Thanks.
Try it.
Oscar? Oscar.
Yeah? Yeah?
Baby... you're out of the flick.
What happened?
They're going for a younger man.
I fought like a banshee for you,
but they wouldn't listen to me.
Who'd they get to replace me?
Give me your hat and
your pad and wish me luck.
Action.
Tell me about your
career, Slugger.
Well, it all started when
I tried out for this team.
The minor league team...
The Fort Worth Blues.
Fort Worth. Yes.
That's in Texas.
Hot wind, blazing sun.
How old were you then?
I was 17.
A boy in a man's game.
How old are you now?
Why, 22.
(snickering)
FELIX: It was a tough struggle.
I was green, but
I finally made it.
It was a struggle, yes.
You grew up in
a grimy little cabin
in the middle of the
Texas panhandle.
No heat, no food!
For breakfast you had to
suck on a piece of cactus!
GRIFF: Hey...!
You never had
a toy to play with.
You never had a pair of
brown-and-white shoes.
You never even
took violin lessons.
But you knew that you
wanted to play baseball.
You couldn't afford
any equipment!
So you made a catcher's mitt
out of a satin pillow reading:
"Greetings from
Yellowstone Park!"
You couldn't afford a bat,
so you used your little brother.
The other kids wouldn't
play with that brave little lad
with the weird mitt
and the talking bat.
(snickering): Twenty-two!
Cut!
Unger, you're out!
No!
Felix, that was the worst acting
I've ever seen in my entire life
and I appreciate
it. But it worked!
I told you Unger had a plan.
I killed the hour. Now
they've gotta use you.
You know, I can't
figure you out.
One minute you're
driving me up the wall
the next minute you do a
crazy, beautiful thing like this.
You're a worse pip
than Crazy Rhoda.
Well, don't spread it
around that I'm a nice guy.
It'll kill me in the business.
All right, Unger,
get out of the way.
There you go,
baby, it's all yours.
Take over.
Madison... Yeah?
Out of the way, please.
Why? Who's going
to play the reporter?
None of your business!
Speed. Mark.
(clapper clacks)
Action.
Tell us about your
career, uh, son.
(yawning): Oscar?
Yeah.
Hey, I just had a nap,
and I had that dream again.
I dreamed the movie came out
and you were such a smash in it,
they put your handprints
in Grauman's Chinese.
Felix, I never got in
the picture, remember?
I know, I know, but I won't rest
until I see your handprints.
Rest.