The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Frog - full transcript

Hey. Hey!

Look who's here. Hiya, Leonard.

Hi, Uncle Oscar.

What've you got in the box?
Show him what you've got in the box.

A frog. A frog?!

Yeah, he's got a frog
there. What's his name?

His name is Max. Max.

Max? Why'd you name him Max?

I named him. Yeah. Why?

Because he's one in a million.

Maximillion. Get it?



What kind of frog is he?

He's a jumper.
He's a jumper, yeah.

Can he answer one question?

Tell him, tell him...
See, he jumps.

Oh, he's a frisky one.

Yeah, what are you
gonna do with him?

I'm entering him in
a contest tomorrow.

He's entering him in the contest
tomorrow. Just a minute... what?

I'm entering him in
the finals tomorrow.

Finals, frog jumping
contest tomorrow.

Is he good? He's good, yeah.

Tell him. Tell him.

Yeah, He beat every frog
on the East Side. He did?

By two jumps. By two jumps.



We beat Leaping Lazzeri in the
semifinals this afternoon. Is that a fact?

Go wash your
hands. I don't want to.

Put the frog in the box
and wash your hands

and change your clothes.

Come on, go, go.

Go ahead, Leonard.
I'll see you later.

We're going out to dinner.

That's terrific.

A father, son and frog dinner.

We're leaving Max here.

Max is going to
eat in. Oh. All right.

Will you watch
him while we're out?

For a little while.

I've got a date
with Sylvia later.

(subdued): We won't be long.

Felix, what's the
matter? Nothing.

Come on, you can't fool me.

Usually when you're with
Leonard you're up, you're happy.

Now you seem depressed.
What's the matter?

I was politely invited

not to come to the frog
jumping contest tomorrow.

You mean, one of the officials
asked you to stay away?

Guess again.

Your son.

Yeah. Why?

Well, he says I butt in.

He says I try to run
everything, I don't know...

He says... Oh, so you'll
miss a frog jumping contest,

That's not it!

It's that he's excluding
me from his entire life.

I only see him weekends.

He doesn't even like me.

Oh, that's silly.

No, no, it's not.

Come on.

He thinks more of that
frog than he does of me.

(frog croaking)

So do I, and I just met him.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Hi, Felix. Hi, Leonard.

Hey, it's time you to go to bed.

You're tired.

I'm not tired, Dad.

You're not tired.
You can't even walk.

Tomorrow's a big day.

Say good night to Uncle Oscar.

Good night, Uncle Oscar.

Good night, Leonard.

Night, Dad.

Sleep well.

Okay, good night.

Don't go in Uncle Oscar's room.

You'll have
nightmares all night.

I'm a fun dad, you know that.

You're in a better
mood, aren't you?

Things are looking up. Yeah?

We had a very nice
time. We really did.

Very nice. We had a
wonderful dinner. Yeah?

You would have been proud of me.

I restrained myself.

I didn't interfere.

I let him do anything he
wanted to... really, really.

I let him go to the men's
room all by himself.

No kidding. I don't believe it.

I mean it. I mean it.

I let him order
anything he wanted.

I didn't say one word.

He had Boston cream
pie for appetizers.

He's a cute kid...
And you were terrific.

Thanks. What's the matter?

You've got the lid
off the frog's box.

Oh, yeah, I gave him
some pizza before.

I guess I forgot
to put it back on.

You gave a frog pizza?

He loved it.

Anyway, his name's
Lassere, isn't it?

That's the other frog... the
one he beat; the runner-up.

His name is Max,
one in a million, Maxi...

What's the difference?
He liked it. He's not in here.

What do you mean, not...?

Where is he? I don't know.

You fink!

I can't trust you with anything.

He's just a frog.

Just a frog?! Just a frog?!

That's like saying
Sabu is just an actor.

I'm sorry.

Well, you see how upset I am?

I'm sorry, Felix.

Talk is cheap, Mister.

Leonard's gonna
blame this on me.

Why would he do that? Because
everybody blames everything on me.

My father blamed
me for the Depression.

Don't laugh.

It's serious.

But you're acting silly.

I'm not silly. Now,
where's the frog?

I don't know. He's
around here somewhere.

You just... I'll show you.

Come on, Max.

(kissing sounds)

Come on, Max, come
on, Max, where are you?

Are you calling a dog?

You don't call a frog like that.

How do you call a frog?

(imitating frog):
Ribbet... ribbet...

Ribbet. Ribbet, ribbet.

Ribbet, ribbet.

Do you have to say
everything I say?

We're looking for the same frog.

(doorbell buzzes)

Come in.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Felix,

Hi, Murray. Hi, Murray.

Hey, boys, I found it.

Found what?

That's a half a dollar.
Finders keepers.

We're looking for a frog.

A frog?

Oscar lost my son's frog.

Well, maybe
he's not really lost.

Maybe he just changed
into a handsome prince.

How long has the
frog been missing?

Just a little while.

I left him with Oscar.

Last seen with
Oscar Madison, eh?

Can you describe this frog?

Oh, he's a beautiful
frog, Murray, really.

He's emerald green.

He's got the most
amazing blue eyes.

He's about two inches tall.

Should be easy
to spot in a lineup.

What are you doing, Murray?

I'm a policeman, Oscar.

I believe in going by the book.

Now just let me take
charge here, okay?

Go ahead. All right.

Where was the frog last?

He was over there on the TV set.

On the TV set, huh?

Okay. In the box?

Yes. Yes.

In the box.

Now, how far can this frog jump?

About six feet.

Six feet?

One... two... three...
four... (whistles)

(emphatic whistling)

He went out like a champ.

OSCAR: Felix,
now don't fall apart.

You know what
went out that window?

My entire relationship
with my son.

Oh, come on, will you?
You're exaggerating.

Every weekend
is a total disaster.

I don't know.

Last weekend, I
took him to the circus.

A zebra misbehaved on his foot.

Do you think he's gonna
remember this weekend

for the Boston cream pie?

No, this is the weekend
his father murdered his frog.

I'm telling you everything's
gonna be all right.

Sitting there, being depressed
is not going to help anything.

You know what we'll do?

We'll go out, we'll
get him another frog.

They all look alike. He
won't know the difference.

Counterfeiter.

You can't fool that
kid! He's an Unger.

All right, we'll
tell him the truth.

We'll tell him we lost the frog.

We'll give him another one.

Where are we gonna
get another frog?

We'll find a pet
store or something.

Come on, let's hurry up.

It's late. We'll try, come on.

What about your date? Oh,
I'll call her later, Come on.

Murray, will you
stay with Leonard?

Just for a little while.

I've got to go on a
special assignment later.

Now, wait a minute, now look...

Maybe he didn't
jump out the window.

You go around and
call around a little bit.

His name is, what was
that... Lassky... No, no.

Lazzari.

His name is Max.

Maximillion... one
in a million Max.

Max... Max... Take
any frog that answers.

(Felix honking)

(honking)

What's the matter?

They must have
a flamingo in here.

I'm very allergic to flamingos.

Have you got any
allergy pills with you?

No, I've got my inhalator.

(honking)

Kill all the animals,
but don't hurt me.

It's not a stick-up.

He's allergic to the flamingos.

Makes my nose itch.

Hi, I'm Buck. What
can I do for you?

We're looking for
something in a frog.

Should be young,
athletic, a good jumper.

We'll go as high as
a buck and a quarter.

No, no, no, money is no object.

Well, then, if money's
no object, uh...

how about buying the store?

No, we just... we
just want a frog.

Well, I've only got
one frog, it's true.

Only got one frog
in the whole store?

Mm-hmm. I don't
generally carry frogs.

If you want a frog,
you go out in the lake.

I only carry pedigrees.

Well, then we'll
take a pedigree.

Show us what
you've got, will you?

I've got a Y.S.F...
Yugoslavian swamp frog.

Real clean.

One previous owner.

The, uh... the Y.S.F...

The Yugoslavian swamp frog...

He, uh... is he a good jumper?

He got out of
Yugoslavia, didn't he?

FELIX: Nice-looking frog. Yeah.

Why doesn't he move?

He looks bored.

Nobody likes a blasé frog.

Looks depressed.

Something been
bothering him lately?

The usual: inflation,
Watergate, Mideast...

Look, I'm getting ready
to close, you know.

Is there some sort
of warranty on a frog?

You're not buying
a television set here.

Can I bring him
back if he isn't right?

I guess so. How
do I bring him back?

Just let him out the door.
He'll hop in a cab, eh?

I don't need sarcasm.

I don't need the
froggy back, either.

Leonard hear anything?

No, he's sleeping like a log.

How are you doing
with Dubrovnik here?

Nothing. Nothing.
(frog croaking)

Maybe he's sick.

Feel his forehead.

He's not sick... he's
just not very intelligent.

Jump.

Jump.

You're the one that's
not very intelligent.

"Jump, jump."

He's a Yugoslavian frog.

He doesn't understand English.

How do you say
jump in Yugoslavian?

"Jumka."

Jumka!

Come on watch me... jumka!

Don't laugh.

Jumka.

Jumka.

Jumka.

He won't do it 'cause
you're laughing.

'Cause you look
so silly. No, it's him.

We've got to psych him out.

How do we do that?

Well, you see, he knows
that we're watching him.

They all love attention.
We'll ignore him.

Oh, you mean act casual? Yeah.

(whistling tune)

Hi, Dubrovnik, how you doing?

(humming tune)

Doing anything?

Nope.

But I am.

I'm making a fool out of myself

trying to act nonchalant
in front of a frog.

It's the laziest
frog I ever saw.

He probably sends out for flies.

We've got to get another frog.

What?

We've got to get another frog!

How are we going to
do that? We have to go...

All the pet stores are closed.

We have to go to the
lake in Central Park.

It's our only hope. Felix, you
think I'm going to break a date

with a girl who has
been waiting for two hours

to go to Central
Park to catch a frog?

A swell guy would.

Yeah, well, I'm not a swell guy.

What other choice have we got?

I'll tell you. Tell
Leonard the truth.

Tell the little boy
his frog is dead?

Yes. Break his heart?

He'll understand.

He's a bigger
kid than you think.

That's the trouble
with parents today.

They're not straightforward
with their children.

Dr. Spock, go. Go, you tell him.

Me? I give you permission, yeah.

All right, I will tell him.

You'll see, he'll understand.

It's better than going
to a lake in Central Park.

You'll see.

Leonard? Leonard?

Oh, hi, Uncle Oscar.

Hi, Leonard. Listen, I'm sorry

to wake you up, but I'm gonna...

Gee, I don't feel like
playing cards right now.

Oh no, no, no, I didn't wake
you up to play cards this time.

And I'm gonna pay you back
the money I owe you, too.

Then what's the matter?

Well, I want to talk
to you about Max.

He's a great frog, isn't he?

Oh, he's one in a million.

You kidding?

I can't wait until tomorrow.

I've never won a
contest in my life.

We would've won the Little
League pennant last year,

except I struck out
with the bases loaded.

They called me
"Leonard the Loser."

Oh, boy.

What'd you want
to say about Max?

Oh, just... Did you know

I'm writing a series of articles

on amphibian athletes?

I'm gonna start with Mark Spitz

and work my way up to Max.

Really? Thanks, Uncle Oscar.

Okay, listen, your Aunt
Miriam will look in on you

once in a while.

Your father and
I have to go out.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go jump in a lake.

I'm a fun uncle.

Good night, winner.

Good night.

Felix, you've been folding
your cuffs for ten minutes now.

Get into this lake with me!

I don't want to ruin the crease.

You get into this lake with
me right now or I'm going home!

All right.

I don't know why you
can't shoo the frogs

over to me nicely,
and I'll catch them.

Ugh!

Ugh! (groaning)

What's the matter?

Ooh! Ooh, the mud
on the bottom here.

What did you expect, carpeting?

But it's such ooze and slime.

Feels like I'm walking
on ripe bananas.

When did you do that?

It was a fraternity stunt.

I don't want to talk about it.

It's your idea and I
think it's a stupid one.

It's a good idea.

Now empty the
Yugoslavian frog in here,

and he'll attract
the other frogs.

Come on. Come on.

(frog croaking) Here
we go. Here we go.

Here we go... ribbet, ribbet.

Nobody's gonna come to him.

Now just stick your
hand in the water

and see if you can find a frog.

Do I have to touch them?

Not unless you can
catch them with your teeth.

What is it with you?

Didn't you train Max?

Yes, but I knew something
about his background.

He wasn't wallowing
in mud like this.

Ribbet, ribbet.

I'm going to have
to disinfect my feet

before I put my shoes
and socks back on.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Where are your shoes and socks?

I'm wearing them.

Ribbet... Hey, I
found something.

A frog? A frog?

A sombrero!

Huh. Wonder how it got here.

Maybe this is where the
SS Acapulco went down.

Come on, cut the
comedy, will you? It's late.

Ribbet, ribbet.

I don't believe it.

Ribbet, ribbet.

I'm a grown man, I'm
standing in mud up to my knees,

surrounded by old
Yiddish newspapers...

half an orange peel,
and you're imitating a frog.

Ribbet, ribbet.

I wish I had felt this
way 20 years ago.

I coulda gotten out of the Army.

Just say to yourself, "Nothing
else can happen tonight."

Ribbet.

Here comes a girl.

That is the ugliest girl
I ever saw in my life.

Shh! She can hear you.

(high-pitched): Hi, fellas.

I think it's a lady
of the evening.

Sure. She'd be afraid to
show that face in the afternoon.

Hey, guys, it's me, Murray.

Murray?

Our Murray?

In the flesh.

This is your special assignment?

Yeah. We're trying to catch
some of your more shady types.

And you're the bait?

This time of night, the muggers
don't get a great selection.

It's either me or Kowalski,
and he's really let himself go.

What are you guys doing?

We're looking for frogs.

You won't find
any frogs in there.

The kids cleaned
it all out last week

for the big contest tomorrow.

We tried, Felix. We tried.

Even the Waltons couldn't
do more for their kid.

Wipe your feet.

Oh, look at the way he wipes.

I'm sorry. I didn't... feet...

Oh, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

I have no words
to ease thy pain.

(frog croaks)

Don't kid around
now, Oscar, please.

I didn't do anything.

(frog croaks)

Oscar, I beg you, I'm
not in the mood for it now.

I thought you... Look at this!

Oh, you typed on him.

He didn't jump
toward the window,

he jumped here
in the typewriter.

Look at him.

Poor little fellow.

Oh, his leg is hurt.

Oh! Oh, poor little boy.

He's limping.

Yes, he's hungry.

Get him something to eat.

What's a frog eat?

Flies, of course.

Where am I going to
get a fly this time of night?

In your room! Go!

What? What do you want?

It's an emergency. Please.

(knocking) It's a crisis.

It's a personal thing.

Will you help us, please?

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

All right.

This is a real emergency.

We're sorry.

Our frog is sick.

Oh, the frog freaks.

That's an emergency?

My wife ran off with
a flea collar salesman.

Did I come over and wake you up?

My little son is going
to be heartbroken

if the, if the frog doesn't
jump in the big contest.

Just take a look
at him, will you?

All right, I'll
look at the frog.

Yeah, this is not the
Yugoslavian frog we bought.

That's an American frog.

An American frog?
You bet I'll fix him.

Ah... What do you
see? Is he all right?

Well, here's your trouble.

You know he's got
a letter E on his leg?

Yeah, we know that.

He got caught in a typewriter.

Gee, if you'd hit the W
it could have killed him.

You know I almost did hit the W?

BUCK: Worse yet,

if you'd hit him with the back
space, he'd never have babies.

Is he going to be all right?

Yeah, yeah, he's
gonna live a long life,

but his jumping days are over.

Oh, no! Come on! You're a pro!

You can do something for him!

Well, you can try
a little massage,

a little heat, maybe
a tranquilizer, but...

FELIX: That will help him?

Well, no, it'll help you.

No!

They didn't give
up on Black Beauty!

They didn't give up on Bambi!

They didn't give up on Flicka!

What do you know?

Don't yell at me in
front of the animals.

Get out of here before
I call a police dog!

People like you
don't belong in pets.

At least I never typed on one!

(dog barking)

Thanks for nothing,
Mr. Flamingo-seller!

Well, Morris, there certainly
are some cuckoos in this town.

Okay, here's some more aspirin.

You're going to make it, boy.

You're going to make it.

How's he look?

He's coming along.

There's a little
aspirin. Come on.

He looks the same
as he did before.

Come on. You're an Unger.

We're gonna get you going.

Come on.

Felix, are you crazy?!

What's the matter with you?!

What are you trying to
make here, a frog malted?

No, I'm giving him
a whirlpool bath...

Come on, will you, buddy?

I massaged him.

I know... it's 7:00
in the morning.

You've been at it for hours.

I'm telling you he's
never gonna jump.

He's got to jump.

Leonard's up already.
He's getting ready.

I gave him a heating pad,

Hi, Dad. Hi, Uncle Oscar.

It's the big day.

This is the big day, Leonard.

Hi, Max.

Come on. Jump, jump.

Right here... OSCAR: I
don't think he's gonna jump.

FELIX: Of course,
he's going to Why not?

Tell him, will you, Felix?

I believe he's going to jump.

Tell him what Buck said.

What? I believe in faith.

I believe in the power
of positive thinking.

How about that? He did it!

You did it! I don't believe it!

He's gonna win, Leonard!

It's gonna be a
great thing to see.

It sure will.

Well, good-bye, Dad.

Leonard, Leonard?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

You're not going to take
your father with you, huh?

Well, I thought about it.

And I really would like him to
go, but you know how it gets.

Like at the Little League team,

he tried to show the umpire
how to clean off home base.

Yeah, I know what he's like,

but you know he
really means well.

I know.

Let me tell you what
happened yesterday.

Max jumped into the
typewriter and I sprained his leg.

(honking)

You can honk
because an expert said

that he would never jump again.

But he just did.

Yeah, you know why?

Because your father spent hours.

He massaged him,
gave him warm baths.

He did everything for him.

But why?

Because he didn't
want to disappoint you.

Dad?

(frog croaks)

Dad, come on.

We're gonna be
late for the contest.

Oh, I... I've got
a million things

to clean up here.

You don't want me to go along.

Okay, I'll go.

We're gonna win,
too, you'll see.

You push the elevator button.

I'll be right with you. Okay.

Boy, blood is
thicker than water.

He wanted me all the time.

Hey, listen, whoa-whoa!

Before you go, do me a favor.

Please remember,
it's Leonard's day.

Let him have fun his way, okay?

It doesn't matter
how he starts Max.

It doesn't matter if Max wins.

It doesn't matter
if the kids cheat.

Please, let him
have fun, all right?

Thanks, Oscar.

And, listen, if there's
any action, put $20 for me.

I know Max is good, okay?

I'm just... I'm just
too emotional, Oscar.

Would you care
to say a few words?

Max, for winning
the frog contest

and jumping above and
beyond the call of duty,

even though you had a
typewriter-sprained leg,

we're gonna set you free.

Want you to go, want
you to have a good time,

find a lot of
friends, live happy.

Go, Max! Live!

Back to nature, Max. Go!

♪ Born free ♪

♪ As free as the wind blows ♪

♪ As free as the grass
grows, born free... ♪

Dad! Dad... do you
want to be friends?

Yeah.

Don't sing.